Paula Abdul never lets me down. She was so mild and calm during last night’s episode and then suddenly right after Glamberace’s second performance, she dropped a beautiful morphine-laced jewel in all our laps. The lidocaine she injected into her eyeball during the commercial break must have kicked in. NO, I didn’t say that! It’s just her natural craziness. The completely sober Paula said, “You’ve set the bar so high in the sky! I hope you’re collecting frequent flier miles. You will be flying for free everywhere.” Honey, you’re the only one flying high in that room and that’s why my no-heart thumps for you. Paula then twitched a little and looked like a homeless crazy junkie trying to flick off the invisible fleas that the government planted there to read her thoughts. I love her so.

As for the performances, does Kris Allen really have to go? Just when I was getting used to his seizure mouth, he’s going to slide away. Even if he got all nakies and his peen sang “America the Beautiful” in perfect pitch, it still wouldn’t be enough. And that’s gross, because his version of Kanye West’s “Heartless” was thee best of the evening. I didn’t fart once during it and that’s a compliment. I’ve been waiting for Gay Fish to pop the CAPS-KEY and proclaim, “THIS IS A FUCKING FARCE!!!1!!! BITCH, BOGUS!“, but he probably didn’t watch, because he’s too busy creating high art for the world to ponder.

Kris doing Kanye made up for his microwaved squash version of “Apologize” which obviously needed more Felix Cane. I blame Kara for this, because she sucks at everything. She sucks at moving her jaw correctly and she sucks at picking songs for dreamboats.

Before I went to bed, I prayed to The Empress of Lucite to please bring the machete down on Danny Chokey’s head! I am so sick of his FACE and his dyke-approved glasses. And that caca-eating grin. Ugh. I just want to cover him in baby wipes and throw a diaper over his mouth. Both of his performances last night she could have come complete with a tub of piping hot Purell, because that shit made me feel like all filthy-like (and not in a good way). Chokey is just so damn slimy with the way he slithers around the stage and tries to manipulate us. His performance of “You Are So Beautiful To Me” was like getting a Hallmark card filled with butt jelly. Yeah, I guess can he sing alright, but I’d rather get ear fucked by a porcupine than have to listen to him again.

Now on to the big queen of the hour… No, not Gaycrest. I’m talking about Glamberace! It doesn’t matter what I say. This bitch will win. He already won. I can already see the wings started to sprout out of his ass and the glittery halo above his head. He’s already an angel to the judges and half of America.

I wish they would just give him the tiara already and put us out of our misery! His performance of “One” had me until the screeching pussy in heat jumped out of his mouth again. And even though his version of “Cryin‘” had my ears crying from all that hollerin’, I still loved that he chose it. Glamberace totally kicked Danny in the ass bone for completely murdering an Aerosmith song last week. For that reason alone, he deserves to be in the finals. Any hater of Gokey is a best girlfriend of mine!

On to the predictions:

Who will be executed: Kris, right? But please twist your nipples and hope for a Gokey execution!

P.S. – Was it just me or did anybody notice the stain on Simon’s t-shirt. It was right near his furry tittay. Gaycrest needs to aim better next time!

Crystal Samuel had her eatin’ shirt on and was all ready to get crazy on an All-Star breakfast at a Waffle House in Clarendon County, SC, but that shit never came! Crystal said that all her friends got their food and started eating, but she sat there waffle-less. That’s when their waitress, Yakeisha Ward, told them they couldn’t eat from carryout trays inside of the restaurant. Yakeisha told them to take their waffles and get the hell out, but Crystal said they had not paid yet so she didn’t understand why they were being kicked out.

After exchanging a few words with Yakeisha, Crystal did the unthinkable. She threw a waffle at Yakeisha! A waffle! Why would you waste that scrumptious piece of griddle heaven?! Throw an egg at her ass or something. Not a waffle!

Well, Yakeisha did not appreciate getting a waffle to the face, so she jumped over the counter and the two started brawlin’. The fight quickly turned into some serious shit when Yakeisha ran to her car and grabbed a gun! Yakeisha shot at Crystal and one bullet grazed her arm. Before the police finally arrived, Yakeisha also hit Crystal in the head with the gun.

Yakeisha was arrested, booked and bailed out. And get this shit, bitch went back to work at Waffle House the next day! They took her shooter ass back! You know they named her head of security too. That’s how Waffle House does it.

If you happen to get her as your waitress, make sure to keep your eyes down and order the All-Star but “hold the pistol whip.” Oh and make sure to leave a 95% tip or you may have a bullet coming your way!

Crystal pretty much summed up the whole experience by saying, “Bad customer service.”

Source: WLTX19 (Thanks Linda)

Jon & Kate’s dramz is on the cover of 4 magazines this week and that’s kind of a good thing. I mean, the more attention Kate’s raggedy beast hair gets, the better. Maybe this can convince other women to visit their local JcPenney salon and ask for the “Gosselin.” The world really needs more special needs beaver heads roaming the land. Anycunty….

It’s been Gosselin fevah these past couple of weeks and it’s reaching a boiling point. It’s called publicity, people! You gotta pass that pussay to sell a book. The truth!

Most of the covers focus on Kate’s maybe affair with her married silver fox bodyguard who looks like he grits his teeth when he cums. UsWeekly says that the two aren’t doing much to hide their horniness for each other (why did I type that?). One source said, “She was gently poking him, giving him little love pats, totally unlike the slapping she does with Jon. She and Steve were joking around so much, I actually wondered if they were having an affair. There’s a lot of open affection between them.”

Um. That’s not “love pats” she’s giving Jon. That’s called “ripping his nutsack off with her bare claws!”

Star says that Jon thinks Kate IS rubbing her 8-mile snatch all over her bodyguard. A source also said that Kate is okay with Jon hittin’ underground pussay as long as he stays on the show. Kate has apparently put a contract together and is making Jon sign it.

Now on to People! They got an actual interview with the Cunt Queen herself! Kate says that her marriage has been at the bottom of a toilet for a while now and she’s ready to flush it if that’s what it comes to. She said, “I don’t know that we’re in the same place anymore, that we want the same thing (Ed note: Yeah, he wants a pussy that doesn’t belong to you). I’ve been struggling with the question of ‘Who is this person?’ for a while. I remember where I was the first time I heard her name. It’s one of those things where you can try to make it go away, but there’s blaring, red flashing lights. I will never give up hope that every member of our family can be absolutely happy again.”

She forgot to add, “BUY MY BOOK! WATCH MY SHOW! PET MY HAIR!”

Paulina Porizkova has a new Birfday memory! Every year, she can think back to the birfday where Ty Ty quit her ass! Last night on Craig Ferguson, Paulina said she received a call on her birfday from the America’s Next Top Model producers telling her to get all her shit out and sit on the curb, because she was fa-fa-fa-fired! Paulina said, “The reason I was told I was fired was because it seemed that America’s Next Top Model has gotten too fat and they needed to cut some fat and the fat was me. So I figured it was either that or my gigantic huge ego. Which I wasn’t aware of until I was told by the producers that I have an ego problem.”

When I read the last part, I had to swallow my coffee really fast, because I knew that shit would come squirting out in a quick millisecond. Cut the fat?! Huge ego?! I’m staring at Ty Ty and laughing with my eyes. That’s the pot calling the kettle an egotistical fat ass. Yeah, Paulina was a bitch, but that’s how I like ’em. Ty Ty really just can’t handle another bitch in the room.

At this point, they shouldn’t even bother getting another model to replace Paulina. In fact, they should fire all the judges. All except Ty Ty, of course. They should just get several cardboard cut-outs of Tyrannosaurus Banks and sit them at the judges table. Crazy ass Ty Ty can do all the voices for them. I mean, that’s where this shit is headed. Ty Ty can also be all the contestants too. And SPOILER ALERT, she’ll win in the end. America’s Next Top ME starring Ty Ty.

VIA Entertainment Weekly

Most crackhouses (so I’ve heard) look like the inside of a dumpster outside of a strip club and HoHan’s is no exception! Yesterday, the po po were told to investigate possibly thievery at HoHan’s crack den after the security alarm was set off. HoHan was not at home, because she was too busy famewhoring in Paris with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan.

After checking everything out, the police found no signs of a break-in. However, they did find signs of a dirty dirty bitch who is straight-up nasty and doesn’t clean up after herself. That’s not a look of surprise on your face, right?

Officer Karen Rayner told the Associated Press, “Is it normally like this, or did the intruders do it?” They initially thought it was the work of a burglar, because the place look ransacked. HoHan probably misplaced an 8-ball. You know how those junkies get when they can’t find their bad shit. They cut open the mattresses, pull up the floor boards and digs holes in the backyard. They get all crazy. Besides, how can we expect her to Windex shit when the mirrors are always in use?

Here’s more pictures of PiggyHan and Ali with fresh morning meth faces in Paris today.

9 months later the world got Posh Spice – El Bastardo

Runners-up:

Pigs everywhere are in a panic now that one of them has been infected with the Whore Flu. – moistiest

A kiss before frying. – suze

The pig would rather be next to eggs and toast. – RecessVillain

Thanks Jess