We have Emmy-winning hot piece Cary Fukunaga to thank for this. Ever since he worked and conquered the man braid, any douche and trick thinks he can use his little sister’s Topsy Tail to serve up some sexy braided man hotness. This is all your fault, Cary. You can make it up to all of us by posting a picture of your newest braid and by that I mean post a picture of your French braided pubes. It’s the least you can do.

Two weird things happened at the GQ and Z Zegna party in Hollywood last night: Nick Jonas hosted the event and he kept his top on the entire time AND somebody invited Casper “Do These Glasses Make Me Look” Smart to that shit. Nick Jonas and The Glory Hole Lothario hung out together afterward. Someone really needs to tell Nick that Casper has shouted from the top of JLo’s ass that he’s not gay, so Nick can stop with the shameless queerbaiting already. TMZ says that after the party, JLo’s driver pulled up to the kids pick-up area and her former boy toy jumped in. They went to another event and TMZ says that they’re back together. Gossip Cop says otherwise.

I never understood why JLo got with and stayed with Casper the Friendly Boy Toy for so long. She can get the hottest boy toy money can buy and she chooses Casper? But now it all makes sense to me. JLo is with Casper for his hot sexy style, because what pussy doesn’t throb at the sight of a man with hair that looks like a hairy armadillo’s ass?

Pics: Splash

It’s a sad day at the Horny Chipmunk Compound; according to several sad Instagram posts, Miley Cyrus’ beloved pet blowfish Pablow has swum up (down?) to Fishy Heaven. Frankly, I wasn’t aware that Miley Cyrus even had a blowfish. But she did, and just hours after his tragic passing, she picked herself up from wherever on the floor she had collapsed into a pile of sticky icky sadness, put on her best black lace nipple veils, and went down to the Shamrock Social Club to honor Pablow’s memory with a tattoo of his likeness.

This is the second time Miley has gotten a tattoo in honor of a deceased pet, the first being the one she got of Floyd back in July. Except this time it doesn’t look like it was done using an old sewing needle and a stolen bottle of expired liquid eyeliner by a middle-aged tweaker high on home-made bath salts, so that’s nice.

I’ve been the owner of an awful lot of fishies, some of which made it to the ripe old age of 2, but I’ve never thought to get a tattoo of any of them when they died. But it’s actually a surprisingly cute tribute for someone whose funeral probably took place in a toilet. Plus, I knew nothing about Pablow The Fish, but I already love Pablow The Tattoo so much. Never have I seen a more perfectly confused “The fuck am I even doing here?” face. I bet it’s the same face the ghost of Pablow made when he saw his likeness permanently drawn on his former owner’s arm.

And Miley hasn’t released an official cause of death, but $10 that shady coyote who took out Floyd has something to do with it.

Pic: Instagram

Okay, does this mean that the tabloids can stop calling referring to Alicia Cargile as Kristen Stewart’s “gal pal”? Every time I read “gal pal” I think of my tia called my boyfriend a “special friend.” Oh, tia, just call him my full-time sloppy butt fuck buddy. It won’t make my ears curl the way that “special friend” does.

Kristen Stewart’s true loves, the paparazzi, got in her face yesterday as she walked through LAX holding Alicia’s hand. So that’s why the news reported (no, they didn’t) this morning that hundreds of thousands of torn off tonsils were found scattered all across the country. It was from the ROBSTENIS4EVER crazies screaming their lymphoid tissues off while looking at these pictures. Kristen and Alicia (possible couple names: CarStew? CarArt?) were coming back from the wedding of Elvis’ granddaughter Riley Keough in Napa. There’s also a story going around that Alicia is moving into KStew’s loft in Downtown L.A. So when the Skinny Jeans And Caps Twinsies strolled through LAX yesterday, the paps asked them if they’re getting married (because, you know, they just went to a wedding) and if it’s true they’re moving in together. The paps really lost their gift of subtlety, because the paps I know would’ve asked Kristen, “Kristen, Kristen, does your coochie convert to Judaism every time it bumps against Alicia’s Star of David crotch tattoo?” I know, they used to be so subtle and tactful.

And these pictures are truly BREAKING NEWS material, because this may be the first time in months that Kristen Stewart was photographed holding something other than her morning cup of coffee. Somewhere, a morning cup of coffee is feeling rejected and lonely because Kristen Stewart isn’t holding it.

Pics: Splash

But only because I get the creeps from seeing people get with the older versions of themselves, Quantum Leap-style. Also because I can’t stop thinking about all the weird dirty daycare viruses Ellen DeGeneres picked up from being in such close contact with perpetually runny-nosed toddler Justin Bieber.

Regardless, the Justin Bieber “I’m A Good Boy Now” Apology Tour made another stop at Ellen, and while there he and Ellen surprised some unsuspecting women by hiding out in a stall and pretending to be shocked when they were “caught” making out. I don’t know if they give out awards for pranking, but I’d like to nominate Justin and Ellen for the highest honor, because I truly cannot think of anything more traumatizing than accidentally walking in on that swaggy preteen hamster awkwardly putting his tiny hands on an adult woman.

I have no clue why Justin was on Ellen this week, besides trying for the 1,984th time to convince us that he’s no longer a throbbing dick cyst. Remember when he released that weird video of himself crying about how he’s not going to anything that might put him in the time-out chair anymore? No? Well, good news – here he is reciting it pretty much word for word for Ellen:

Raise your hand if as you were watching Jusin Bieber push out a pouty “I’m Sowwy”, you had a flashback to any episode of Full House where Michelle is forced to apologize for something. I could practically hear Danny and Uncle Jesse saying “Now, Michelle…” as that sad learning-a-lesson sitcom music played in the background.

Yesterday was Bobby Brown’s 46th birthday and he spent it like none of us should ever have to spend our 46th birthday: by releasing a statement about his daughter Bobbi Kristina from the ICU. But I guess his family decided that life hadn’t handed him a crappy enough birthday present, so they all got together and gave him a drunken brawl that ended with the police being called and one person driving themselves to the hospital. Somewhere in Heaven, Whitney is screaming at all those fools to kiss her ass.

TMZ says it all went down shortly after Bobby B’s birthday dinner last night at the W Atlanta Midtown hotel. Bobby B’s family was getting next-level hammered at the hotel bar and a fight broke out between Bobby sister Tina Brown and their cousin Shayne Brown. A source says it started when Shayne called Aunt Tina a “crackhead”, but instead of replying with the classic “crack is cheap…crack is whack“, Aunt Tina responded by spitting in Shayne’s face before grabbing a bottle and cracking it over Shayne’s head. Multiple punches were then thrown, and NBC says that’s when a busted-up Shayne called a time-out on their family bonding session and drove himself to a nearby hospital, where he was treated for lacerations to his head.

Meanwhile, Aunt Tina decided she didn’t want to be around when the cops showed up, so she got the hell out of there. No word on whether or not charges will be laid against Aunt Tina, but I get the feeling this isn’t the first time a dirty bottle fight has broken out at a Brown family gathering.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go lie down and give my neck a rest from shaking my head so much at this gross situation.

If that picture was taken yesterday, Tom Brokaw would be thinking to himself, “Grrrrr… I just want to stick a rolled-up pink slip up that lying sack of lie’s ass, pull it out, stick it in his smuggy lie hole and make it so that he can’t even get a job reviewing butt plugs at 3am on Public Access in Stockton, CA.”

On Wednesday night, the world we live in became a confusing and unfamiliar place and most of us wandered the land not knowing what to believe when Brian Williams admitted that he was never in a chopper that was hit by RPG fire in Iraq in 2003. Brian was actually safely traveling in a different chopper. How can we believe anything now that Brian Williams has dribbled out lies to us? When Brian Williams says, “Good evening, I’m Brian Williams and this is the Nighty News,” do we know for sure it’s the evening and that it’s a good evening and that his name really is Brian Williams? Is that picture of Brian Williams’ supposed bulge a picture of his actual bulge or did he just stuff his khakis with the sack he keeps his lies in? Everything is squint-worthy now!!!

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