The Real Star Of The Patridge Family!

October 27, 2010 / Posted by:

Ceiling Eyes has the charisma of a microwaved lima bean and now we know why! Bitch’s mom kept it all for herself. After Audrina Patridge was bathed in the red light of death on Dancing with the Scars last night, she went to Beso for her final meal and her mother Lynn drowned her sorrows in everything on the cocktail menu and then some. White Oprah better walk faster, look over her shoulder every ten seconds and schedule an appointment with her chiropractor, because Mama Lynn is coming to snatch her game. Necks will snap!

While smoking a Skydancer outside of the restaurant, a drunken Mama Lynn delivered a poignant monologue where she verbally massacred everyone from Lauren Conrad (“pissy little fashion shit”) to the girls on The Hills (“Fucking Hills girls? Hills TRAMPS!“). Mama Lynn then goes on to call her daughter a classy girl who is going on to bigger and better things including a reality show which she’s starring in (YES!). If this mess of a speech was a cocktail it would contain Peach Schnapps, the saliva produced from a slur, a wet cigarette butt, whatever kind of wine was on special at Albertson’s and a chewed up piece of gum found stuck to a Nine West heel. That cocktail would be called a “Jibby Kibble.

This is my favorite rendition of Rose’s Turn EVER! I swear, this is some beautiful shit you usually only see 3 hours after happy hour in the parking lot of a Bennigans in the Valley.

And they say that flowers can’t grow in between sidewalk cracks. Well, this is more than a flower, this is a straight up STAR and she’s shooting all the way into the air. Happy America!

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