Oh, those were the days…… When Posh Beckham could hold a baby that weighed more than her while walking on a pair of stilts. But those days are long gone and it’s the end of a high-heeled era.

To me, Posh Beckham was always one of those tricks who could not walk unless her heels were elevated at least 5 inches above the ground. Like if she put on flats, she’d just stand there all stunned like a cat with a sock around its waist, but way bitchier. But I guess 2016 is one of those years where the WTF becomes real-life (see: the election), because Posh has pretty much broken up with high heels. High heels used to be her main bitch and now they’re just her sometime fuck buddy. I guess after years upon years of wearing heels, her feet hurt like your ears whenever she sings live. In an interview with The Telegraph about fashion stuff, Posh says that she mostly wears flats and will wear high heels sometimes.

“I just can’t do heels any more. At least not when I’m working,” she says. “I travel a lot.” True. She’s just returned from half term with the children in LA after the New York show, and is off to Hong Kong for the opening of her second store there in three weeks. “Clothes have to be simple and comfortable.”

“Clothes have to be simple and comfortable.” Who is this Posh? Did Kunty Karl Lagerfeld get jealous of her growing fashion empire and cast a spirit into her? A spirit whose feets hate heels and says things like “Clothes have to be comfortable“? What’s next? John Travolta is going to burn all of his Shih Tzu wigs and let his bald head breathe in air at all times? Shauna Sand is going to melt all of her exquisite Lucite heels and only wear cork heels from now on because they’re better for the environment? Why can’t you just suffer through the pain, Posh? WHY? (And yes, that’s coming from a dude who is barefoot 99% of the time and wears flip flops the other 1% of the time.) Well, it’s a happy day for Posh’s war torn hooves, but it’s a sad day for high heels. Every high heel wearer’s feet are crying out a tear for Posh’s high heel retirement. Or maybe they’re crying out a tear because they hurt from wearing heels.

And now let’s take a high-heeled walk down memory lane….

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty, FameFlynet

Elton John is turning 69 years old next month. I’ve always felt that if you’re lucky enough to reach your sexiest year, you should reward yourself by doing the bare minimum required. Elton John could be wheeled onto the stage on a rolling chair like Mimi with a boombox blasting “Crocodile Rock” and I’d say, “He’s earned that, he’s 69.” But that’s apparently not going to happen, because Elton isn’t interested in saying, “Fuck it,” to effort just yet. And he’s definitely not interested in watching performers who do.

Elton made it known that he does not play with people who fake their vocals when he accused Madonna of lip syncing back in the day. After calling Madonna a “fairground stripper,” the two kissed and made up…for now. I guess he needed a new person to hiss at, because now he’s coming for Janet Jackson. During a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Elton John took a swipe at Miss Jackson by accusing her performance vocals of being about as real as [insert the Jackson joke of your choice here].

“You know, fucking music magazines writing a review of Janet Jackson saying, ‘This is the greatest show – four and a half stars.’ It’s fucking lip-synced! Hello! That’s not a show! I’d rather go and see a drag queen. Fuck off.”

To be honest, I too would rather spend my pennies on a drag queen version of Janet Jackson. But that’s mostly because I really really want to see Coco Montrese’s perfect paint-by-numbers Janet nose in person.

I know Elton is all about integrity or whatever, but I think he’d probably really like lip syncing. Elton is a showman at heart, and if Britney Spears has taught us anything, it’s that lip syncing allows you to concentrate on the more important aspects of performing. Like armography. And yes, I know armography would technically prevent him from playing the piano, but do you want to put on a show or not, Elton? Speaking of artistry, here’s Elton and his husband David Furnish, who is teaching an expert-level class in how to work the hell out of a cute lil’ neckerchief.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

The new Ghostbusters movie is coming out this July, so we should cover ourselves with a tarp and prepared to be hit with a whole lot of slime-covered merchandise. The good news that has made us 80s kids extra thirsty is that they’re re-releasing the nectar of the gods that is Ecto-Cooler! I can’t wait to guzzle it, bathe in it and get a colonic with it, and yes I’m going to do that all at once. The gross news (which no, isn’t grosser than me guzzling, bathing and colonic-ing Ecto-Cooler at the same time) is, that just like they did when Shrek came out, Hostess is putting out a Twinkie that looks like it was bit by a zombie. The Ghostbusters Twinkie is filled with “key lime slime” and Foodbeast thinks it’ll be out around early June.

It makes sense, because of the Twinkie scene in the original Ghostbusters movie (see below). But that thing looks like it’s filled with the foam that would come out of Slimer’s mouth if he had rabies. It looks like it had a bareback threesome with Gerard Butler and Parasite Hilton in a Port-A-Potty at the Gathering of the Juggalos. It looks like it really needs to go to the free clinic in a bad way.

With that being said, I’d still put it in my mouth.

Pic: @ENMSALES

Sometimes at the end of a long day of doing whatever it is the hell I do, I like to lounge and relax with a glass of wine, a fully stocked bong and some porn. But well, pro football player turned actor Terry Crews ends his day a whole lot differently than I do, because he doesn’t fuck with porn anymore. Terry says that for a big chunk of his life, he made the lotion executives a little richer by spending all day jacking it to porn until his peen almost left off. That explains those huge arm muscles.

That piping hot piece of man meat has talked before about his addiction to porn, but during the past couple of weeks, he’s really gotten into it on Facebook. Terry says that when he was only 12 years old, he discovered his crack and it was porn. For years and years, Terry would jack it like a tween who just discovered what cumming is. Terry would fap to porn in the morning and he’d fap to porn at night. 47-year-old Terry said he couldn’t stop and it got so bad that his wife Rebecca King (Yes, the wife he went on a 90-day fast from fucking with) threatened to leave him after she took their broken laptop to the Genius Bar and the tech told her that blobs of dried cum stuck in the keys were keeping it from working right. (No, I made that up.) Terry didn’t know how to beat it. Well, he knew how to beat it, obviously, but he didn’t know how to beat his addiction to beating it to porn. Terry went to rehab and was able to overcome his addiction. That was around 6 or 7 years ago, and now Terry is trying to help others who may be porn-a-holics.

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Last week, a 29-year-old bikini model named Ashley Graham made Sports Illustrated history when she became the first plus-size (or “curvasexalicious“, as she calls it) bikini model to appear on the cover of the 2016 Swimsuit Issue. Well, there’s one person who is pissed about Ashley’s cover, and that person is three-time SI Swimsuit Issue cover girl Cheryl Tiegs.

Cheryl was stopped by E! News at the Global Green USA Pre-Oscar Party last night and asked what she thought about society embracing a fuller-figured bikini model. According to Cheryl, putting someone with a waist bigger than 35-inches on the cover is “glamorizing” an unhealthy lifestyle. And Cheryl knows that’s a true fact, because she heard it from the most trusted man in television medicine, Dr. Oz.

But Cheryl isn’t all hate. Cheryl did make sure to congratulate Ashley’s skinnier SI Swimsuit Issue cover co-star Hailey Clauson on having a “thin, ‪‎healthy‬, strong body.” Okay, but do you know she’s strong, Cheryl? Have you personally seen her carry an old Sony Trinitron up a flight of stairs?

I know Cheryl thinks she’s the Michael Moore of obesity truth, but damn if she doesn’t need to calm down. It’s just a non-skinny in a bikini on the cover of a magazine for dads to read while they’re taking a dump. Besides, Cheryl lost all credibility when the name “Dr. Oz” passed through her lips. Just because Dr. Oz says it, doesn’t mean it’s right. Case in point: Dr. Oz told me I should replace my pasta with carb-free shirataki noodles. There’s a reason why you can’t spell “shirataki” without the word “shit“; it was like trying to swallow a load from The Soggies. Anyone who encourages you to stay healthy by eating something that gross can’t be trusted, Cheryl.

“Okay, I’ll stop being a Twitter meanie to Halsey, but first you have to tell me what a Halsey is.” – pretty much everyone who reads this site, probably.

Halsey doesn’t only sound like a cutesy nickname for halitosis. Halsey is also the name of a 21-year-old electropop singer from New Jersey who might have (and might still be) bumping punanes with gayelle dreamboat Ruby Rose. Halsey is in England promoting her album Badlands, and she set the assholes of some of her 1.2 million Twitter followers on fire today. Halsey did an interview and performance at BBC Radio 1, and as she made her way into the building, some of her fans were outside asking for pictures and autographs. Halsey apparently ignored them and ran on in, which made them run their fingers all over their iPhone keyboards while bashing her ass on Twitter. They apparently labeled her an ungrateful diva bitch for not greeting her loyal subjects. I haven’t read what kind of hate they spilled about her on Twitter. But I’m guessing their tweets read something like this: “Halsey? More like, Halsey that bitch singing to empty clubs after she loses all her fans for being an asshole!” Yes, I may as well call it a day and log out for the week, because it doesn’t get any better than that.

The cuntiness on Twitter got so bad for Halsey that she had to press pause on her busy, busy day to come out and mouth burp out a plea for them to stop being so mean to her. It’s the kind of speech that a newbie substitute teacher (or “supply teacher” as you Brits and some Canadians call it) gives a classroom full of loud brats on her first day on the job. Get into Halsey’s “Don’t cry for me, fans outside of BBC Radio 1″ whine speech:

Halsey is new to the game, so somebody should tell her that the best way to deal with these crazy fans is to either ignore them, Bjork them or do my personal favorite: the Ian Somerhalder trick. Halsey should’ve told them that she’s not going to sign autographs or pose for selfies with them, because it’s HER day. Today, February 25th, is International Halsey Day and on this day, she takes a quick sabbatical from signing shit and posing for pictures. It’s Halsey Day, leave her alone!

Pics: Wenn.com