Athena Cage!

Athena Cage was an R&B and pop chanteuse of the 90s and early aughts, and she had a few small hits like “Hey Hey” and “All Or Nothing.” Athena still performs today. But the song of hers that she’s probably most known for is “Nobody,” the duet she did with Keith Sweat.

I was at a restaurant last night when “Nobody” filled my ears hole and it took me back to awkward ass high school dances. “Nobody” came out in 1996 and they played it at pretty much every high school dance I went to. The visual definition of cringeworthy in 1996 was a bunch of teenagers grinding on each other to “Nobody” and the dudes mouthing Keith Sweat’s part and the chicks mouthing the Athena Cage part.

My fellow loser friend and I would sit and make fun of the girls as they mouthed, “Who can sex you like meeeeee?” Bitch stop! That song probably helped raise the teenage pregnancy rate in 1996 and it definitely helped raise the “losers rolling their eyes at the popular kids at high school dances” rate in 1996. And Athena Cage’s eyebrow situation in the video is an exquisite work of art. Nobody plucks like Athena Cage’s brow artiste:

And yes when this song played in the restaurant last night, you know I mouthed the “Who can lay your bod-aaaaaay down” part.

El DeBarge (55)
Lucky Blue Smith (18)
EJ Johnson (24)
Mollie King (29)
Evan Lysacek (31)
Bar Refaeli (31)
Brandon Jenner (35)
T.J. Miller (35)
Robin Lord Taylor (38)
Jeremy Bieber (41)
Russell Brand (41)
Angelina Jolie (41)
Theo Rossi (41)
Michele Hicks (43)
Nikka Costa (44)
Noah Wyle (45)
Izabella Scorupco (46)
Rob Huebel (47)
Horatio Sanz (47)
Scott Wolf (48)
Al B. Sure! (48)
Sam Harris (55)
Julie White (55)
Keith David (60)
Parker Stevenson (64)
Michelle Phillips (72)
Bruce Dern (80)
Dr. Ruth (88)

First David Bowie, and then Prince, and now Muhammaid Ali has died. 2016 is straight up butt fucking us all until we’re totally raw. NBC News reports that after spending a few days in a Phoenix area hospital with respiratory problems, The Greatest Of All-Time  has gone on to the great beyond where he’s out-floating all the butterflies and out-stinging all the bees. He was 74. A rep for the family released this statement:

“After a 32-year battle with Parkinson’s disease, Muhammad Ali has passed away at the age of 74. The three-time World Heavyweight Champion boxer died this evening.”

He is survived by his wife Yolanda Williams and his 9 children including boxing champ Laila Ali.

Rest in peace, Ali.

MySpace pin-up Tom Hardy apparently changes his phone and number often, because he gets hacked a lot and probably isn’t trying to get his dick pics out there. That also explains why he hasn’t answered all the sexts you sent him. I’m sure he’ll answer you once he gets his new number and I’m also sure that whoever got those tit pics of you is very grateful – Celebitchy

Hide yo skinny blond models, France, because Leonardo DiCatchAHo and The Wolf Pack are in Paris – Lainey Gossip 

Lindsay Lohan may have achieved her greatest grift yet: getting her Russian sugar daddy sonny to marry her without a prenup – The Superficial 

RiRi’s ass is in a bikini again and that’s great and everything, but where do I get one of those swans covered in beachgoer tattoos? – Drunken Stepfather

Even Kelly Brook’s magnificent chichis can’t take my eyes away from the print of her dress, which looks like wallpaper found in the powder room of a rich grandma’s Palm Beach mansion – Hollywood Tuna

What in 90s bull fighter on casual Friday HELL is Kendull Jenner wearing? – Popoholic

I see that Taylor Swift’s PR team is letting the intern leak their fanfic to the press – IDLYITW

Awwwww, widdle Justin Bieber still hasn’t weaned off of his Binky, or he’s on Ecstasy – OMG Blog

Another day, another possible Kartrashian/Jenner sex tape – Starcasm

Tamar Braxton should look into getting some Glycerine if she wants to make her reality show cry fests look real – Jezebel

The death of chivalry is your fault, you wimmuns. Zachary Levi told me so, so that must mean it’s true – Pajiba

They’re still going through with another Pitch Perfect movie, but Elizabeth Banks isn’t going to direct it anymore – Just Jared

And it’s Friday so here’s Sam Claflin’s hairy nipples – Popsugar

Two Programming Notes: Apologies for not posting that much today. My dog has had the barfs for the past couple of days so I had to tend to him. I hear you saying that he probably got sick from walking into the bathroom as I was coming out of the shower. Shut up, bitch! I was getting out of the bathtub, for your information. Also, Martin is out this weekend, so Dlisted’s resident guest blogger (and resident mess) J. Harvey will be filling in for him.

Pic: Splash

The California Primary is this Tuesday, so everywhere I go, someone from someone’s side has asked my ass if I’m registered or if I’ve already voted and if not they’ll give me their first born if I vote for (enter Sanders’ or Clinton’s name here). The next time a volunteer asks me that, I’m going to ask them if they’ve voted for a much more important race: Hot Slut of May!

May’s Hot Slut of the Month contest is a battle between two 80s icons, the real star of the Met Gala and a memorable whiner (not Kanye). I say this every single time, but since many of us have the memory of a goldfish with amnesia, I’ll say it again. The first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes for the month, and the last one is a wild card picked by me. Your choices are:

João Paulo – The blogger from Brazil who showed the hos of the Met Gala how it’s really done by recreating their looks with household stuff.

Zeus – The cry baby Siberian Husky who loves playing in water so much that he will lose his shit if you deny him bath time.

Day-To-Night Barbie – The Barbie who showed you girls that you can do anything like easily taking your look from bubblegum pink business woman glamour to disco princess glamour.

Shannon – The International Queen of Freestyle who blessed our ears with classics like “Let The Music Play” and “Give Me Tonight.”

Voting is below and the winning HSOTM will be announced next Friday. If you’re a citizen of California and haven’t decided who you’re voting for, feel free to write in one of the Hot Sluts above on your ballot this Tuesday.

Mark Salling, aka Puck from Glee, joined the Club of Famous Creeps a little over five months ago when he was arrested for possession of child pornography. The last time a Famous Creep was caught being a fucking creep, it was Subway Jared, and he was thrown into the system faster than a cold cut combo into a hungry mouth. The evidence against Puck from Glee was only a little less stomach-churning than that against Subway Jared, which I guess is why it took five months to get the ball rolling on this situation. But now that it’s in motion, things for Puck don’t look so good.

TMZ, UsWeekly, Entertainment Tonight, and just about everyone else is reporting that Mark Salling has surrendered to federal authorities earlier today. Mark was indicted on two counts of child pornography last week, and was scheduled to appear in court this afternoon for his arraignment. According to a report, prosecutors think Puck is a flight risk and have recommended that he remain in custody. They also think that there’s a chance he won’t show up for any more hearings if he’s granted bail. Well, it’s not as if he’ll be missing any work if he’s kept in custody. You know, since being indicted for child porn got his ass fired from his most recent acting gig.

I have no idea what this means for Puck. Maybe he’s going to jail? Maybe there will be a trial? Maybe he’ll plead guilty for a reduced sentence? Who knows. All I know is that Mark Salling probably won’t be getting any more calls from Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk unless they begin work on an anthology series for FX called American Annoying Story: The People vs. The Cast of Glee. And even then, it will only be a call to let him know his character has been cut due to the audience feeling super gross every time his name is mentioned.

UPDATE: According to People and TMZ, Mark plead “not guilty” to two counts of child pornography possession this afternoon. A judge has ordered he stay at least 100 yards away from schools, parks – basically anywhere a kid might be. He’s also not allowed to be around minors, has to wear an ankle bracelet, and can only use the internet with special permission. His bail was set at $150,000, $100,000 of which was posted by himself (a friend covered the rest).

Here’s Mark Salling at the bank getting his bail money ready yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com