The last ballot I cast was in the election that saw Hottié McStud become Prime Minister of Canada, so I don’t get to vote in this one. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s going on. I know one of the candidates is a dry Buffalo chicken tender in a suit. I know that the other one is Hillary Clinton. I also know that they’ve got to make a lot of money before the election, so they hold fundraisers. Yesterday, a fancy money-making lunch was held in honor of Hillary at the Los Angeles home of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel.

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R.I.P. Here lies Pickled Peter, who died of multiple strokes. – nightflyer001

Upvote winner:

Fore!!…skin – Lefty

Pic: Radass

Ivena “Ivy” Smailes, the centenarian hero who asked for “hunky and burly firefighters” for her 105th birthday and got it!

When you’ve gone through 100 years or more of living on this planet, you’ve earned the right to ask for whatever you want on your birthday. Some keep it simple and ask for a mug of whiskey and to be left the fuck alone, and others, like Ivy Smailes asks for some memaw nipple-tingling hotness in the form of mens in uniform. Ivy lives at the Addison Court Care Home in the English village of Crawcrook in Tyne and Wear, and one of the workers there tells ABC News that every year she makes a few special requests for her birthday party. For her big 1-0-5, Ivy asked for singers, dancers, a cake and HOT FIREMAN ASS.

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Alex O’Loughlin (40)
Sofia Richie (18)
Rupert Grint (28)
Chad Michael Murray (35)
Kaki King (37)
Karrine “Superhead” Steffans (38)
John Green (39)
Dave Chappelle (43)
Marlee Matlin (51)
Craig Kilborn (54)
David Koechner (54)
Jared Harris (55)
Cal Ripkin Jr. (56)
Steve Guttenberg (58)
Stephen Fry (59)
Kevin Dunn (60)
Anne Archer (69)
Vince McMahon (71)

Pic: CBS

Bella Thorne came out as bisexual on Twitter after a fan saw her kissing another chick on Snapchat and asked her if she’s into peen and poon. I saw Bella kissing a girl on Snatchchat yesterday, because I have an account and I also follow her on there. So yeah, since I’m obviously your 13-year-old daughter named MyKaylee, I’m going to need you to give me some money, because my friends and I are going shopping at Forever 21 after school tomorrow – Just Jared

Amal Clooney looks like she’s trying to keep from exploding with joy while riding on the back of George Clooney’s Harley – Lainey Gossip 

Usain Bolt celebrated his birthday by getting on a piece who wasn’t his girlfriend – Celebitchy

Lindsey Vonn captioned this pic, “I love Mondays…especially when you get to the gym and your trainer starts laughing at you because your dog ate your pants…literally.” Uh huh, like she didn’t put those holes in her leggings herself just so she’d have an excuse to show her nalgas. Blaming it on the dog. Shameless! – Drunken Stepfather

IMPRISON THOSE DECEPTIVE GUTTER HEFFAS IMMEDIATELY! – The Superficial 

Amber Rose may go from the champagne room to the ballroom – Reality Tea 

ScarJo must have had one major cold sore – Popoholic

The Frank Ocean album that his fans have been waiting 5,894 years for will debut at #1 on the Billboard Top 200 chart – Towleroad

It’s not really a Ryan Murphy anthology series unless Sarah Paulson is in it, so she’s playing Geraldine Page in Feud – Pajiba

Another day, another story about Tyga owing somebody money – Jezebel

Cool story time, I once hooked up with a dude who had a duvet cover with the same print as Jessica Alba’s dress. And after looking at that print, you’ll probably wonder if the dude I hooked up with was a 72-year-old grandma from Georgia – Hollywood Tuna

Tampa took one of Amy Schumer’s jokes seriously – WWTDD

Hillary Clinton was the carne in a Biel and Timberlake sandwich – HuffPo

Sleigh Bells is suing Demi Lovato for sampling their song without asking them – OMG Blog 

Exes Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield hung out together and that’s great and everything, but for why is he wearing your granddaddy’s favorite sweater? – Popsugar

KFC made the perfect sunscreen for those of you who have always wanted to be attacked by stray dogs on the beach – SOW

Pic: Bella Thorne’s Snatchchat

Warning: Do not stare at that picture too long. DMX is so damn fertile that if you keep your eyes on that pic long enough, you may find yourself squirting out the latest member of his ever-growing child army, and no, you won’t get a child support check out of it

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have 19 kids and that might be it for them. But it looks like DMX’s weapon of mass procreation isn’t done shooting raw nuts at ovaries just yet and he may beat Jim Bob and Michelle’s record. 45-year-old DMX became somebody’s father for the 15th time (that he knows of) last Friday after his girlfriend Desiree Lindstrom gave birth to her first child and his latest in NYC. TMZ says that DMX and Desiree named their son Exodus Simmons (or as DMX is going to call him, “Um, which one are you again?“).

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