https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeD4WaA8E_s

Alexander Skarsgård (40)
Alexandra Burke (28)
Blake Lively (29)
Rachel Bilson (35)
Kel Mitchell (38)
Ben Falcone (43)
Jo Dee Messina (46)
Claudia Schiffer (46)
Cameron Mathison (47)
Rachael Ray (48)
Tom Hollander (49)
Blair Underwood (52)
Billy Ray Cyrus (55)
Ally Walker (55)
Tim Burton (58)
Elvis Costello (62)
Rob Halford (65)
Gene Simmons (67)
Tom Skerritt (83)
Regis Philbin (85)
Sean Connery (86)
Monty Hall (95)

Sarah Paulson went to an event wearing an ensemble that looks like the broken condom baby of a June bug and Dorthy Michaels from Tootsie, and I love it! – Lainey Gossip

Yolanda Hadid says she’s close to declaring victory in her battle against Lyme – Reality Tea 

Professional vacationer Lindsay Lohan is still on vacation – Drunken Stepfather

First of all, Kate Upton looks too human-like to look like a Kartrashian. Second of all, she better carry around several cans of pepper spray, because Khlozilla is going try to maul her if they ever meet in the streets – Celebitchy

Bella Thorne might be bumping coochies with her brother’s ex-girlfriend whose also named Bella. I’ve seen this Jerry Springer episode before…. – The Superficial 

A thing I did today: Spend way too long staring at Kristen Stewart’s butt because the headline made me – Popoholic

The Gay Bachelor says that he can’t stand fakeness. Well, then he’s gone to the right place, because we all know that reality shows are anything but fake! – Towleroad

Usain Bolt plucked another blossom from the garden of elegance – Hollywood Tuna

Speaking of blossoms from the garden of elegance, here’s two whose petals are also covered with demureness and gentility – The Nip Slip 

Connie Britton is probably phasing herself out of Nashville. Take Scarlett with you, Rayna! I beseech you! – Jezebel

This video for The View’s new theme song is some fuckery, but it’s not “Mary J. Blige’s Burger King commercial” levels of fuckery – OMG Blog

Renee Zellweger is talking about aging in Hollywood again – Just Jared

Kate Gosselin still exists and she’s still talking about her kids’ private lives for quick cash – HuffPo

Since Ryan Lochte is losing around $1 million in endorsements, he may be hungry for a check and where do sort-of famous tricks go when they need a check and some more attention? Dancing with the Stars, of course! – Popsugar

I still would – SOW

Pic: Getty

Someone in Hollywood has finally stepped up and is making a highly-detailed and accurate historical biography about an extremely important American figure and that someone is Lifetime! The Hollywood Reporter says that Lifetime will follow up their Emmy-winning (in my head) biopics of Elizabeth Taylor, Anna Nicole Smith, Whitney Houston, Brittany Murphy, Donatella Versace and Aaliyah with a television masterpiece on the life and times of Brit Brit Spears. Jiffy Pop better come out with a very special Cheetos-flavored popcorn for this momentous occasion, because I’m going to need something to snack on while hate-watching this magnificent disaster.

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The Rock v. Vin Diesel beef mostly smelled like candy, ass and boiled Muscle Milk, but if you put your nostrils close enough to it, you’d swear that you could also smell the scent of STUNT (which smells like every Taylor Swift perfume mixed together). Life & Style says that you smelled right. Their sources claim that the two buff billiard balls do have their differences, but they decided to take their feud, pull its pants down and shoot its ass up with gallons of steroids. They are playing up their beef so they can “have it out” in a WWE match that will promote Fast 8. Fast 8 opens on April 14, 2017 and WrestleMania 33 is happening on April 2, 2017.

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Earlier this month, professional cranky old man Clint Eastwood did an interview with his mimbo son Scott Eastwood for Esquire in which he proceeded to make like everyone’s loudmouth grandpa at an awkward family dinner by griping about “political correctness” and the “pussy generation.” It turns out Scott is proudly on Team No Pussies with his papa. And he has just as much to say about this generation of candy-ass coddled pussies as Clint.

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So far today we’ve posted about abortion, anorexia, racist trolls and even more disturbing, the relationship between Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift, so I figured this place needed some lightness and cuteness. So here’s this awww-inducing video from Russia (aka the country that Lindsay Lohan will soon be the First Lady of) starring a 16-year-old cat named Rosinka and the abandoned baby squirrel monkey named Fyodor who now calls her mама. The Associated Press says that Fyodor became an orphan after his mom decided that, you know, she just doesn’t want to be tied down to a child and wants to run off to the big city to try to be a singer. Story as old as time!

Fyodor and his EX-MOM were living at a zoo in the Siberian city of Tyumen and the director, Tatyana Antropova, took him home with her one day. Tatyana’s cat Rosinka and Fyodor immediately bonded, and even though she’s old and over it (see: picture above), she still plays with him. Fyodor will eventually go back to the zoo in a month, but for now, he’s loving life with his pussy mom. This video of them features a guest appearance by the Russian Anne of Green Gables.

It’s nice knowing that there’s a tinge of sweetness in this shitty world. (P.S. – If you later read that Rosinka had it with Fyodor and ate him, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. It’ll be our first secret.)