Either Nicole Kidman’s stylist does a lot of acid and also hates her, or she’s done a lot of acid and hates herself. Because Nicole started the week at the Palm Springs International Film Festival looking like what happened when a low-budget wax museum re-styled their melting Nicole Kidman wax figure as a Taylor Swift circa 2007 wax figure. And at tonight’s Golden Globes, Nicole Kidman showed up looking like a grown Little Bo Peep after she lost her sheep herding job and had to turn tricks at a brothel where the Tin Man and his Tin Man friends came in and busted a bukkake all over her dress. She also looks like a chorus girl in a Las Vegas show about Westworld.

The shit she wore in Palm Springs and the shit she wore tonight both look like they were chosen by a 5-year-old girl on shrooms. So I hope she keeps that theme going and shows up to the Oscars wearing a giant Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper.

Pics: Getty

The Golden Globes, Oscar’s high school dropout little brother who holds the record for getting kicked out of Dave & Buster’s the most times, are tonight. And that means it’s that time of year when many of us get drunk at home while watching drunk movie stars throw shady eyes at the peasants (read: people on TV). The flu has taken over my body, so I’ll probably be the one who gets so plastered on TheraFlu Sours (TheraFlu and whiskey) that I’ll be cheering for Lily Collins and Jonah Hill to win.

Don’t feel guilty about filling your eating hole with all kinds of deep fried deliciousness tonight, because you’ll burn at least 10,000 calories from rolling your eyes at everything the GGs host Jimmy Fallon does. Since Jimmy is hosting, he probably won’t make fun of the famous rich bitches in the room like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Ricky Gervais did. Jimmy will save his energy for kissing their asses and playing Wheel of Musical Impressions with Meryl Streep (as Florence Foster Jenkins). Actually, I’d be into that second one.

And now that leads me to today’s Open Post: the oh-so-scandalous speech that Bette Midler gave in 1980 when she won the Golden Globe for New Star of the Year in a Motion Picture for The Rose. Bette busted out a titty-licious Golden Globes pun and then acted like she was going to suck off her trophy. This speech is practically G-rated today, but apparently back in 1980, it made parents THINK OF THE CHILDREN by covering their kids’ eyes and ears.

That will forever be one of my favorite GG speeches, but I hope someone tops it tonight by actually deep throating their award. (I’m talking to you, Ryan Gosling.)

Pic: Getty

One example of “annoying” would be a sexually insecure straight dude in a traditionally gay occupation, over-correcting whatever his psychic trauma is by being a homophobic dickhead. Another example of “annoying” would be the same dude charging $2,275 for an ugly leopard-print diaper bag. Did I mention he’s a Melania Trump stan? Stefano Gabbana has “annoying” perfected.

Unlike many in the fashion industry, Stefano is more than happy to clothe Donald Trump’s wife in his fashions. He posted a pic of Melania wearing a Dolce & Gabbana dress on Instagram, thanking her and labelling her a “#DGwoman.” Someone came for him (via The Advocate):

“Sad when a gay designer doesn’t care about other groups being repressed, how much more money do u need?!?”

The tall (but just as dumb) half of Dolce & Gabbana once again came off bigoted when he corrected the commentator.

To which Gabbana replied: “Dont call me gay please!! Im a man!!! Who I love its my private life!!!”

D&G are basically fashion shitheads who have criticized gay adoption and couples who use IVF to have children in the past. They should probably stick to sewing.

Part of me wonders if maybe all of the Italian designer’s PR issues are due to a language barrier. But then I remember that he’s a multi-millionaire who can probably afford a military-grade plug-in to perfect Google Translate. And to that I say, “eff him.”

Pic: WENN

This is one of those posts that’s sure to inspire heated discussion. Would you date a bisexual guy? Speaking for myself – hell no! I have enough strikes against me (pudge, I’m a [redacted]-year-old who’s still into comic books, I’m stereotypically Irish in the pants, my dog has this growth that he chews on until it bleeds, etc.) without having to compete with the beautiful and enticing mystery that is the vagina! Masturbation for healthy skin proponent and Loveline’s current co-host Amber Rose feels similarly.

Continue reading

One of the very few sureties in life is that Chris Brown is a giant, entitled asshole who will do giant, entitled asshole things because that’s what giant, entitled assholes do. It’s almost comforting, in a way. When nothing makes sense and our planet seems ready to spin off its axis and plunge into a vast, universal darkness, we can always rely on Chris Brown’s giant, entitled asshole personality and behavior. TMZ says that he got banned from an NYC gym for being courteous, thoughtful, and respectful. No, I kid. He was being a giant, entitled asshole. Again.

Continue reading

Multilingual poetess Lindsay Lohan is starting fresh this new year by scrubbing her Instagram free of posts. That’s a lot of “sexy” posing, accusations of cheating with Russian hookers against shady former fiancés, and nonsensical and disingenuous pleas for human rights erased forever from the historical record! Actually, you can probably just click a toggle switch and bring them right back, right? Don’t panic!

USWeekly quotes Lindsay’s rep explaining why she chose to bleach her Instagram clean of content. She got her “period!” (She’s relieved that she’s not pregnant, so she’s starting anew out of gratitude! Wait, no… I think I read that wrong.)

Lohan is “in a period of renewal” and “has been making positive changes in her life,” her rep tells Us Weekly. The 30-year-old actress herself voiced her high hopes for 2017. “I am so excited for this new chapter in my life!” she tells Us in a statement.

Before burning her Instagram down, one of Lindsay’s most recent posts was a ridiculous poem in which she wondered if ISIS could be defeated with her lips (I’ll leave it to you to decide which set). Sure, she might have wiped her social media slate clean to start fresh. But she also might have come down from whatever chemical component was inspiring her poetry and realized what she sounded like and wiped her Instagram out of embarrassment.

Who am I kidding, this is Lindsay. Maybe there’s actually someone in her family with a modicum of dignity and some concern who called her on whatever yacht she’s wintering on and suggested she cut the shit with the Instagram attention-sluttery. Is Nana Lohan still alive?

Pic: WENN