Producers of the sequel to “The Thomas Crown Affair” have told Angelina Jolie to eat a funnel cake or something. Mmmm….funnel cakes.

Last year, it was rumored that Angie Jo signed on to star opposite Pierce Brosnan in the sequel called “The Topkapi Affair.” Paul Verhoeven is supposed to direct this mess. According to the Mirror (via SF Chronicle), they have asked her to gain 28 pounds. A source said, “Ideally they want Angelina to put on 28 pounds for the role. It is going to be very physically demanding, which is why they want her to carry the extra weight. They don’t want a reprise of what happened with ‘Wanted,’ where she was fainting and they had to take her costumes in.”

If she gains an extra 28 pounds, that would put her at what weight? An even 100? And I guess if she gains 27 pounds, she’s out. It’s 28 or bust!

She should just borrow Meg Ryan’s fat suit. Better yet, they should keep Angie out of this shit and bring back Rene Russo. She hasn’t made a movie since 2005 and it’s time for a comeback.

The 80s are dead! JCPenney’s “Breakfast Club” inspired commercials – SOW

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Meg Ryan should always wear a fat suit because it distracts from the fact that her face looks like it was made from recycled plastic jugs. And yes, that’s a fact.

46-year-old Meg pulled a Fishsticks Paltrow and put on a fat suit for her new movie, “The Kirstie Alley Story.”

No, Meg is doing some movie called “My Mom’s Hot Boyfriend.” This shit show also stars Colin Hanks, Antonio Banderas and Selma Blair. It’s about “an FBI agent who returns home after a three-year assignment to discover his chunky mother is now super-hot. But his life turns into a nightmare when he’s forced to spy on her every move because her dashing new boyfriend may be an international art thief.” Wasn’t this crap already made in the 80s with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell? This is some direct-to-the-USA Network shit!

Here’s another picture of fat Meg and also some pictures of her without the suit at some event yesterday. Seriously, she needs to keep that fat suit on at all times.

The sexiest weasel in the world, Pharrell Williams, worked with Vadge on her “Hard Candy” album. When asked what impresses him most about Vadge, he answered, “She sure knows how to milk publicity and create a publicity stunt.”

Gulp. Pharrell, Vadge will mostly likely put a hit out on you for saying this shit. You need to immediately hide out in my no-no hole closet. Nobody will find you there. Everyone knows my closet is fucking empty.

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Heather Mills’ insanely hot and equally crazy publicist, Michele Elyzabeth (with Bijou), has quit her job. Michele worked for Heather for 4 years and claims she is still owed money.

Michele told Extra (read this with a lisp), “After working for Heather Mills for the past four years, I have decided to cease representing her. Since her divorce has become final, in my opinion, Heather has become an impossible person. Yesterday, we engaged in a heated argument during which she called me ‘stupid.’ I reminded her that she was not ‘God’ and she answered, ‘I will never ever talk to you again.’

I have been very patient in my dealings with Heather, however, I cannot take any more. I have given her substantial unpaid time and attention. I am owed money. I refuse to be subjected to her outbursts. On reflection and given the way I have been treated, I now have sympathy with much of what the British press has reported about her.“

Okay, if Michele Elyzabeth is calling you crazy, then it’s time to shuffle off to the looney bin. That’s the pot calling the kettle FUCKING INSANE! Michele needs to go to the looney bin herself for working for Heather for four damn years and giving her unpaid time. Look at Bijou’s face. Even he’s thinking, “I’m with stupid.”

If Heather ever called me stupid, I’d rip off her fake leg, shove it up her caca hole, take it out and then kindly re-attach it. I’m mean, but not THAT mean. She wouldn’t even have to say the entire word. She would just have to say, “You are stu-” and it would be “game over.”

Below is a YouTube video Michele made last year when she was still friendly with Heather. Fast forward to around 5:10 to hear Michele say “Baba Walthas.” It makes my tongue tremble.

A couple of paps thought it would be a smart idea to dress in camouflage and sneak on to Brangelina’s holy land yesterday afternoon. The idiots were immediately caught by Brangie’s security team and they all started fighting. The two paps and two security guards were questioned by police. Both sides filed complaints. A spokesbitch for the police said the injuries weren’t major, just scratches and bruises.

The head of Brangie’s security team said, “We caught the two and tried to escort them off the property and the guy’s just gone beserk, thrashing out, kicking and actually biting one of the security people, breaking his finger, drawing blood and screaming that he had Hepatitis C.”

Brangie’s security guards were given doctor’s notes, giving them four days off of work.

The paps were probably trying to get pictures of the twin messiahs. Brad Pitt has already threatened to sue bitches for publishing pictures of him and his family on their private property in France. If a clear picture of the twin messiahs is published, it could affect Brangie’s $11 million deal for the first pictures of the chosen ones.

Security team my ass. Maddox caught them and immediately screamed for Zahara and Pax to come back him up. He didn’t call for Shiloh because he always forgets her name. Shit, they all forget her name. The Brangie child army took care of those paps and all was well again.

By the way, you know Jennifer Aniston hired those paps. She’s trying to fuck with Saint Angelina’s money! Try harder, Jen, try harder!

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