Gold-Hearted Amy Adams Gave Her First Class Seat To A Soldier In Coach

Amy Adams was about to get on a flight from Detroit, where she’s filming that Batman vs. Superman mess, to LAX yesterday when she noticed a US solider at the gate, and being the nice, genuine, gold-hearted daughter of a military man that she is, she asked to have their seats switched. Amy was in first class and the soldier was in coach. And now everyone’s going to start carrying a solider uniform in their carry-on bag just in case Amy Adams is on their flight and they want to experience the free champagne, warm cookies, complimentary anal massage and all the other luxuries of first class. ESPN2’s Jemele Hill told ABC News that Amy didn’t make a big show of it and she talked to the soldier for a little bit before taking herself to the smushed sardines section of the plane. Jemele said this to ABC News:

“I noticed Ms. Adams was in first class and as I was getting seated, I saw the flight attendant guide the soldier to Ms. Adams’ seat. She was no longer in it, but it was pretty clear that she’d given up her seat for him. I was incredibly impressed, and I’m not even sure if the soldier knew who gave him that seat. I guess he will now! Ms. Adams did it so quietly and quickly that it speaks to her character. And somebody in coach just got a helluva seatmate!”

Doesn’t Amy know that it’s June and NOT January? Harvey Weinstein is going to call her up and scream new holes into her ears for this fuck-up. Amy’s out there doing good deeds and her Oscar-bait movie isn’t even close to being out yet. This is not how it’s supposed to happen. Once Amy is officially nominated for that Big Eyes movie, then she can give her first class seat to a US soldier and then the media will magically hear about it, find him and he’ll do the interview circuit where he’ll say that Amy is the kindest, most greatest American who ever lived. Then that soldier will be Amy’s date to the Oscars and when she wins, she’ll bring him onstage and the moment will make viral history. That’s how Harvey Weinstein saw it happening in his head and now Amy has ruined it. “You better save a toddler from a burning building, but do it in JANUARY” is what Harvey’s going to scream at Amy. Jennifer Lawrence would never!

Miss Delaware Got Her Crown Snatched Away For Being Too Old

How DARE they take back the crown from someone who can execute such flawless Celine Dion arms?!? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!! On June 14th, 24-year-old Amanda Longacre was crowned Miss Delaware, but she wasn’t destined to dela-wear the crown (I’ll show myself out for that one) for very long. According to the NY Daily News, Amanda went from crying beautiful shimmering tears of a winner to hideous ugly saline discharge of a loser when the birthday-hating bitches at Miss America discovered that she’s too old to compete in the 2014 Miss America pageant.

According to pageant rules, women must be between the ages of 17 and 24 at the time of competition. Amanda is 24 now, but she turns 25 in October. Amanda (she really seems more like a Mandy to me, but whatever) knew shit might get shady with the judging committee, so she checked to make sure she wasn’t going to get disqualified for being a Sanka-drinking oldie. Once she was given the thumbs-up, she joined the rest of the girls to practice their group dance routine to “Conga”.

Unfortunately, no one at the Miss Delaware pageant thought to pick up the phone and double-check with their malevolent overlord Miss America. The shot-callers at Miss America took one look at Amanda’s birth certificate and told her to trade in her crown for a Hoveround and an AARP membership, because she was TOO OLD to strut her stuff in a swimsuit and pumps. Amanda says that along with being disqualified from Miss America, they’ve also made her give back the 9,000 scholarship, and gave the crown to her younger runner-up, Brittany Lewis.

I know beauty pageants are all sorts of shady, but damn if something in the teeth-Vaseline doesn’t seem clean. Everybody in Delaware told Amanda she was a-ok to wave and smile and sing Melissa Manchester and wish for World Peace, and now the second she got the crown, Miss America hisses that she’s too old? RUDE! Like that old geezer should talk; Miss America was born in 1921! Bitch is just jealous nobody wants to see her wrinkly 93-year-old ass sashay down the runway in a swimsuit and pumps!

Pic: The Cape Gazette

Open Post: Hosted By What Could Be The World’s Worst Parallel Parker

Now is that time of day when we all stop what we’re doing to watch this riveting, thrilling video of a completely clueless driver fail to parallel park into the biggest space of all-time and forever. I know, finally some REAL news. It’s Friday, leave me alone.

This lady is a wreck, but I feel for her, because getting secretly filmed while trying to parallel park is my nightmare. I learned how to drive in the suburbs of L.A. where we had parking spaces as big as Montana, so I didn’t have to parallel park that much, but I had to a couple of times in NYC and it was a come-to-life night terror. My bowels have nearly fallen out of my ass several times, but they really almost fell out of my ass when I had to parallel park a gigantic Lincoln Somethingoranother into a tiny space in front of a bunch of people eating lunch outside at a restaurant in NYC. Trying to stick it in is hard enough and it’s really hard when a bunch of strangers are staring at you (“Speak for yourself, amateur” – every porn star out there).

But this lady….. She could easily just glide into that space. That space is a dream. Watching a tiny little thing awkwardly maneuver into a big space is like watching Jon Gosselin and Kate Gosselin fuck.

After she tries a million times, she gives up, packs it in and drives away hoping that nobody saw her embarrassment act of messiness, recorded it, uploaded it to YouTube and then linked it on Reddit. Well, hopefully she’s as good at the Internet as she is at parallel parking.

And parallel parking has claimed another.

via Pleated Jeans 

Angel Haze Lets It Be Known That She And Ireland Baldwin Are Doing It

Some of you are probably looking at the names “Angel Haze” and “Ireland Baldwin” and making the same “Err, who?” face that Pimp Mama Kris makes when somebody asks her how Fat Rob is doing.

After Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger’s Instagram famous, selfie-addicted 18-year-old daughter Ireland Baldwin broke up with that Slater Trout dude, because his name is Slater Fucking Trout, she started throwing up pictures of kissing 22-year-old rapper Angel Haze on her Instagram page. I took it like Ireland Baldwin is that sorority girl who kisses girls in front of frat boys because she’s edgy and sexy like that. But Angel Haze, who has openly declared that she loves both peen and poon, tells The Independent that they’re really together and she’s tired of the media calling them “just friends.” Angel doesn’t fuck her friends and she’s definitely eating that rude, thoughtless little pig’s poon. Thankyouverymuch.

“I don’t know if there’s like some confirm or deny thing with the way relationships work in the media, but everyone just calls us best friends, best friends for life, like we’re just friends hanging out. It’s funny. It’s rad in some ways, it sucks in others.”

Ireland and Angel met at some New York Fashion Week event and they started out as friends, but their friendship became more than that when they started sitting on each other’s faces. Angel gets blunt and says that they’re definitely fucking.

“There are still certain limitations for women. If we were two guys, it’d be insane, negatively insane with the attention. With us it’s all being very positive, the media are like, ‘Oh they’re so cute, they’re best friends.’ An interracial gay couple, I mean that’s just weird for America right now. We fuck and friends don’t fuck. I have never fucked one of my friends. Once I see you in that way, it doesn’t happen. But we do fuck and it’s crazy and that’s weird to say because I think about it in terms of an audience reading it and them thinking, ‘What the hell?’ But it happens.”

In case you didn’t get that, Angel Haze and Ireland Baldwin fuck.

Angel also says that it’s really love. It must be love or Ireland’s snatch must taste like perfectly cooked Applewood smoked bacon. I mean, it has to be something, because I don’t know how Angel sits there at the Baldwin family dinner table as insufferable fame whore Hilaria Baldwin does a yoga pose on the credenza while balancing a platter on her right foot and Alec screams about the silverware being too shiny before saying to her, “Hey dyke, can you pass the carrots?”

Here’s Angel and Ireland sucking face and canoodling in L.A. earlier this month.

Pics: FameFlynet

Hope Solo Apologizes For Losing Her Shit And Going Crazy On Her Nephew

Despite maintaining that she’s not at fault for getting next-level hammered and going all She-Hulk on her 17-year-old nephew last weekend, the roid-rage version of Debra Morgan and inspiration to trashy wrecks everywhere Hope Solo must have received a telegram from Western Union informing her that if she wants them to keep wiring her those delicious endorsement dollars, she’s going to need to burp out an apology. So on Thursday, Hope screamed for her assistant to type up an “I so sowwy” statement and post it to Facebook:

“I would like to apologize to my fans, teammates, coaches, marketing partners and the entire US Soccer and Seattle Reign FC communities for my involvement in a highly unfortunate incident this past weekend. I understand that, as a public figure, I am held to a higher standard of conduct. I take seriously my responsibilities as a role model and sincerely apologize to everyone I have disappointed.

I love my family dearly. We, like all families, have our challenges but my sincere hope is that we are able to resolve this situation as a family. Adversity has always made us stronger and I know this situation will be no different.

I also would like to thank everyone who has reached out with messages of support and encouragement. I truly appreciate your loyalty, concern and well wishes.

Due to pending legal issues, I cannot comment further at this time. However, I am confident in the legal process and believe my name will be cleared.

I look forward to getting back on the field where I belong with both Seattle Reign FC and the US Women’s National Team.”

Oh Jesus, at least make it sound a little like Hope Solo wrote it! It should have gone a little something like this:

“Listen up, assholes. I’m sorry my pussy nephew ratted me out to TMZ like a punk bitch, but it’s not his fault – he’s too fat and crazy to be an athlete. I’m also sorry I’m in such great shape that my strong-ass back broke a broomstick handle. Due to pending legal issues, I can’t comment any further, but I will say that I’m obviously innocent, and I look forward to re-using this statement in the future. My name may be Hope, but when it comes to the possibility of getting into a messy public fight, they call me Definitely.” 

Pic: Splash

Shia LaBeouf Tried To Steal A Homeless Dude’s Hat Before His Meltdown At Cabaret

If Shia LaDouche is trying to give us Joaquin Phoenix: The Sequel, then he’s going hard. Before he was handcuffed for slapping asses, smoking and acting insane during the first act of Cabaret on Broadway last night, Shia tried to snatch away a homeless man’s hat in Times Square. Suddenly Shia’s entire look makes sense. Everything on his body was stolen from a hobo. This is next level “how dreadful.”

TMZ has pictures of a wild-eyed, crazed Shia terrorizing the homeless dude, and Page Six has a video of Shia chasing the guy down. Witnesses told Page Six that it looked like Shia was trying to take the dude’s McDonald’s, but TMZ says that he was trying to steal a tan hat, because he thought it belonged to him. Witnesses say that Shia was running around Times Square, dodging people and screaming at the air. That doesn’t totally mean that Shia has slid into Amanda Bynes territory, because many people scream at the sky, dodge hos and run around while in Times Square. It’s a natural reaction to being around all those slow-walking tourists and the scent of sidewalk meat. One witness said that at time it seemed like Shia and the hobo were playing a game.

“At first I thought the bum had stolen something from [LaBeouf].. But the bum was responding in almost a joking manner. It was like they were playing tag!”

As I wrote about last night, the police had to put Shia’s face in a Hannibal mask, because he kept trying to hit the police with saliva bombs and he threw around the “fag” word as an homage to Alec Baldwin. Page Six says that he also paced around his cell and made up a rap song called “I Want To Go Out.”

So, Shia’s causing scenes, going around looking like the poorest tenant on Skid Row, terrorizing innocent people AND rapping. This really feels like a cross between the second coming of Joaquin Phoenix and the second coming of Amanda Bynes, and the most beautiful woman in the world (aka LaDouche’s mom) better come get her son before he ruins another Broadway show. It’s all fun and games until Alan Cumming has to stop dry humping a Kit Kat Boy because you’re smoking and hitting people in the audience.

Here’s Shia looking haggard, busted down, worn out and sad while leaving the police station this morning after pleading not guilty. He’s got those “I just spent 8 hours under fluorescent lighting” eyes (aka your after work eyes).

Pics: Splash