Actually, I just saw some vid in which a few surveyed lesbians rolled their eyes at the scissoring assumption. Let me state for the record that just because you’re dykes, it doesn’t necessarily mean your baginas are at sexy cross purposes with each other. It’s a goddamn stereotype and the world needs less of those!
Now that we have that out of the way, judging by their appearance together at last night’s VMAs…uh, wait – what do I call her? I’m talking about the blonde. Hmm. Let’s go with “Instagram star” (?)(I don’t see another occupation anywhere) Ireland Baldwin and hip-hop artist Angel Haze are still scissoring. Hell, judging by the grin on Angel’s chops, her honeypot was already up on Ireland’s face in the limo on the way over. Or that’s the plan for the ride home.
There will probably be a special pullout section in The Independent wherein Angel emphasizes repeatedly and firmly that they are indeed still scissoring. This is not a friends thing. This is a fuck thing. Repeat after her. Watch for it.
These two make for a striking couple. It’s not because they’re gay and interracial. It’s the height difference! It probably takes Angel a full half-hour to get from Ireland’s mouth to her baldwin! They make out, and then Ireland Instagrams the top of Angel’s head going away and down, pulls out a magazine, checks her e-mail and finally receives her angelic pussy visitation. Sometimes it takes longer because Angel stops for a nap in the yawning crevasse between Ireland’s breasts. I don’t know what went wrong between those two, but one of them is holding a serious grudge.
“Rude, thoughtless little pig.” I’m sorry, but you can’t post about Ireland Baldwin without typing that. It’s a rule.
Some of you are probably looking at the names “Angel Haze” and “Ireland Baldwin” and making the same “Err, who?” face that Pimp Mama Kris makes when somebody asks her how Fat Rob is doing.
After Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger’s Instagram famous, selfie-addicted 18-year-old daughter Ireland Baldwin broke up with that Slater Trout dude, because his name is Slater Fucking Trout, she started throwing up pictures of kissing 22-year-old rapper Angel Haze on her Instagram page. I took it like Ireland Baldwin is that sorority girl who kisses girls in front of frat boys because she’s edgy and sexy like that. But Angel Haze, who has openly declared that she loves both peen and poon, tells The Independent that they’re really together and she’s tired of the media calling them “just friends.” Angel doesn’t fuck her friends and she’s definitely eating that rude, thoughtless little pig’s poon. Thankyouverymuch.
“I don’t know if there’s like some confirm or deny thing with the way relationships work in the media, but everyone just calls us best friends, best friends for life, like we’re just friends hanging out. It’s funny. It’s rad in some ways, it sucks in others.”
Ireland and Angel met at some New York Fashion Week event and they started out as friends, but their friendship became more than that when they started sitting on each other’s faces. Angel gets blunt and says that they’re definitely fucking.
“There are still certain limitations for women. If we were two guys, it’d be insane, negatively insane with the attention. With us it’s all being very positive, the media are like, ‘Oh they’re so cute, they’re best friends.’ An interracial gay couple, I mean that’s just weird for America right now. We fuck and friends don’t fuck. I have never fucked one of my friends. Once I see you in that way, it doesn’t happen. But we do fuck and it’s crazy and that’s weird to say because I think about it in terms of an audience reading it and them thinking, ‘What the hell?’ But it happens.”
In case you didn’t get that, Angel Haze and Ireland Baldwin fuck.
Angel also says that it’s really love. It must be love or Ireland’s snatch must taste like perfectly cooked Applewood smoked bacon. I mean, it has to be something, because I don’t know how Angel sits there at the Baldwin family dinner table as insufferable fame whore Hilaria Baldwin does a yoga pose on the credenza while balancing a platter on her right foot and Alec screams about the silverware being too shiny before saying to her, “Hey dyke, can you pass the carrots?”
Here’s Angel and Ireland sucking face and canoodling in L.A. earlier this month.