Open Post: Hosted By A Photoshopped To Hell And Back Mimi

Here’s Photoshop’s most devoted customer on the cover of Wonderland’s May issue looking like a seasoned ho at the Bunny Ranch who is trying to keeping it one hundred percent sexy for her john while squeezing her butt cheeks for dear life because a fart is trying to leak out and touch someone’s nostrils. Mimi’s in-house staff of Photoshop’s artists obviously used every tool in the box to Photoshop her until she looked like a skinny pantyhose doll and that’s fine and everything, but they should’ve touched up that wonk eye while they were at it. Terry Richardson shot this, so Mimi’s probably got a touch of wonk eye, because 5 minutes before he took this picture he coated her eyeball with Jizzine. It’s Terry’s signature.

via Rap-Up 

Prince Hot Ginge Dumped Cressida Boners

If you’re looking into Prince Hot Ginge’s eyes in that picture and hear him saying, “I dumped that trick, because I realized it was you. It was always you,” then please get over yourself, bitch! Those made up words are directed to me. He’s talking to me. All the voices in my head tell me so.

So, Cressida Bonas’ dream of wearing a diamond-encrusted scrunchie with an attached veil during her royal wedding is over, because UsWeekly, E!, People and everybody else says that PHG has dropped her ass after two years. Just last month, Camry Boners and PHG were putting their lips on each other’s faces in public and sources (FYI: In British slang, “sources” means Cressida’s family) claimed that they were close to getting engaged. But People’s source says that Cressida was one of those needy womenz who was always needing stuff:

“He found her too needy and it just wasn’t working out.”

UsWeekly’s source says that PHG just needs to take a break and they might get back together one day, but who knows. E! said a couple of weeks ago that Toyota Cressida is the one who started backing away, because she’s too much of a carefree butterfly and isn’t ready to live a life of wearing boring designer clothes and waving at her subjects at ribbon cuttings for new parks.

I don’t know why the source says “needy” like it’s a bad thing. If you’re fucking PHG full-time, it’s natural to get extra needy by using your mouth and other parts to suction to his ginger body and not let go for any reason. If THE QUEEN sics her Corgies on you, just keep suctioning to PHG’s body and let those bitches bite your ass. It’s worth it. But whatever, I didn’t think PHG would marry anytime soon, because there’s a lot of stringy blond-haired skinny girls who’ll let him snort vodka puddles off of their stomachs and yes, I’m currently in the process of losing 50 pounds, working on my tuck and sewing shredded corn husks into my hair.

I hope this means that PHG goes back to my Tang goddess Chelsy Davy, because she truly is the Fergie of our time.

And really, we all know what’s really going on here. The break-up is obviously just a viral stunt for this soon-to-be television masterpiece.

And here’s PHG touching his ass while watching a bunch of athletes work out at the launch of the Invictus Games selection process at Tedworth House.

Pics: Splash

David Arquette Is Somebody’s Father For The Second Time

The bartenders at Bootsy Bellows better set aside a couple cases of celebratory booze tonight for David Arquette (“So, just like every other night?” – the bartenders at Bootsy Bellows), because UsWeekly says that a rep for David Arquette (Coco Arquette working hard for that allowance money) has confirmed that David’s girlfriend and aspiring Leighton Meester stand-in Christina McLarty gave birth to their son on Monday night. The source says that baby is healthy and they’ve named him Charlie West Arquette.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but aside from the various forms of Jaden/Kaiden/Aiden, Charlie seems to be a pretty popular name, right? It’s not bad, I just assumed that the brain responsible for convincing David to get a giant Wonder Woman tattoo might also be fried enough to convince him to name his baby son something hilariously regrettable, like Puppetmaster or Fireball or [siren sound].

But Charlie is good, and it’s even better when you put it together with the name of his big sister and get Coco and Charlie. Coco and Charlie sounds like a Disney Channel show about a quirky sister and brother duo who run a pet sitting business out of an abandoned Airstream with help from the ghost of their wise-cracking Grandpa. I can just picture them now, standing back-to-back with their arms crossed, rolling their eyes at the ghost hovering above them,  like ”That’s our Grandpa!’

Pic: Splash

Bitch Got Banned For Life: The Donald Sterling Edition

Adam Silver, the commissioner of the NBA, announced in a press conference today that they have stamped the words “BANNED 4 LIFE” on the forehead of racist pile of burnt ass lips Donald Sterling after his side piece leaked audio of him saying that he doesn’t want her bringing black people including Magic Johnson to Clippers games and other racist crap. I know Donald Sterling is a dried cow turd sitting on top of a pile of wet trash, but the NBA is cold. How could they ban a racist when he’s 9 months pregnant?! Actually, judging by that pic, he’s also pregnant with half of the concession stand and a whole lot of bullshit. Racism sure is fattening.

Adam said that during the NBA’s investigation of the audio, Donald Sterling admitted that it was his voice and he said all that shit. Adam said that Donald’s words were deeply offensive and harmful. Donald isn’t allowed at any NBA games or practices and he can’t step foot in any team facilities. He’ll also have to pay a $2.5 million fine (“Oh, let me get that money from the jar of loose change I keep on my kitchen counter” said Donald Sterling), which will go to an anti-discrimination charity. Adam is trying to force Donald Sterling to sell the Clippers, which is worth $575 million, and he needs a three-fourths vote from the Board of Governors to do so and he thinks he’s got the numbers. Adam decided to hit that bitch with a lifetime ban after speaking with players, coaches and owners.

This decision comes after several sponsors dropped the Clippers and the Clippers coach Doc Rivers said that if Donald Sterling stayed on as owner he wouldn’t be back to coach next season. The Clippers spit out this statement after the NBA scrubbed out the racist skid mark from their chonies:

“We wholeheartedly support and embrace the decision by the NBA and Commissioner Adam Silver today. Now the healing process begins.”

Somewhere, Paula Deen and Cliven Bundy are getting their coins together to buy the Clippers.

Meanwhile, Donald Sterling’s side piece V. Stiviano claims that she has hundreds of hours of recorded conversations with her sugar daddy. Apparently, he constantly forgets what he says to her so she has to play conversations back for him so he remembers. Some might call that “excessive,” but I call it gold digger insurance. V. Stiviano also claims that Donald Sterling isn’t her sugar daddy and their relationship is strictly professional. Well, “professional” is one word you can use to describe the relationship you have with an old fart who pays the mortgage on your condo and buys you a BMW every year to sit on his tongue.

Here’s V. Stiviano arriving back at home after going to court yesterday. Chick definitely knows how to dress for court. Court room glamour is looking like a member of Daft Punk as seen through the eyes of Lisa Frank.

Cameron Diaz Admits That She Went Gayelle Once

Professor Cameron Diaz, Dean of Women’s Pussy Studies at Our Bodies, Ourselves University, went on Watch What Happens Live Monday night to pimp out her film The Other Woman for the 4,209,372th time (dammit Cammy, give that whore a break already! Who are you, Pimp Mama Kris?). During a round of “Plead the Fifth”, the human version of Theodore Seville Andy Cohen asked Cammy to elaborate on the remarks she made to Glamour UK about all women thinking sexual thoughts about each other by asking if she’s ever swam in “the lady pond” (Thanks Andy, I just pictured a snapping turtle floating on a raft made of tampons):

Cammy D: Yes, I have been with a lady.

Andy Cohen: More than once?

Cammy D: You didn’t ask explicitly how I was with a lady, but I have been with a lady.

All of a sudden, this picture makes a lot more sense. Cameron didn’t explain how exactly she’s been with a lady, but I’m sure she’s saving that tidbit of information for the next stop on the never-ending promotional tour for The Other Woman, along with the story of the first time she tried anal, her theories on threesomes, and an anecdote on pegging.

Now because I’m a curious loser with an unhealthy interest in the sex partners of famous people, which of her friends do we think is the other woman? (oh god, I see what you did there, marketing team for The Other Woman). Drew Barrymore is the obvious choice, since she’s the type of kind-hearted soul who would selflessly make out with anyone if it looked like they needed cheering up. Gwyneth Paltrow is out; she won’t fuck anything that hasn’t first spent a week detoxing their mind/body/spirit at an exclusive $40,000 a week retreat in a country you’ve never heard of. But my guess is she went gayelle with her pal Tom Cruise after he cut his hair into bangs and she mistook him for a mature lady who might know her way around a pussy (boy, was she ever wrong).

Adam From Girls Is Going To Be In Star Wars: Episode VII

In case you didn’t recognize him since he has a shirt on and doesn’t have Lena Dunham’s stuffed pancake tits pressed against his chest, he’s the one in black high waters in the back.

After weeks upon weeks of every name from Zac Efron to Lupita Nyong’o being tossed around as a possible cast member of Star Wars 7, the main cast was finally announced and a picture of the read-through was posted on StarWars.com. Some of the original hos like Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, C-3PO, Chewbacca and R2D2 are coming back and they’re joined by Adam from Girls, Oscar Isaac from Inside Llewyn Davis, John Boyega from Attack the Block, Andy Serkis, Domhnall Gleeson, MAX VON FUCKING SYDOW and Daisy Ridley.

Their character names haven’t been released, but the rumors say that Adam from Girls is playing the villain, John Boyega is playing a Jedi apprentice and who knows who that Daisy girl is playing, but whatever role she is playing Lindsay Lohan will definitely claim that she was soooo clooose to getting it.

They start shooting in a couple of weeks and the planet will be drowning in nerd jizz when it comes out December 18, 2015.

Two things:

1. FOR WHERE ART THOU, BILLY DEE WILLIAMS?!!!!

2. Max Von Sydow better be playing his Flash Gordon character Ming the Merciless, because Star Whores is in dire need of eyebrows shaped like the profile of a business woman’s Easy Spirit pump.