If you’re looking into Prince Hot Ginge’s eyes in that picture and hear him saying, “I dumped that trick, because I realized it was you. It was always you,” then please get over yourself, bitch! Those made up words are directed to me. He’s talking to me. All the voices in my head tell me so.
So, Cressida Bonas’ dream of wearing a diamond-encrusted scrunchie with an attached veil during her royal wedding is over, because UsWeekly, E!, People and everybody else says that PHG has dropped her ass after two years. Just last month, Camry Boners and PHG were putting their lips on each other’s faces in public and sources (FYI: In British slang, “sources” means Cressida’s family) claimed that they were close to getting engaged. But People’s source says that Cressida was one of those needy womenz who was always needing stuff:
“He found her too needy and it just wasn’t working out.”
UsWeekly’s source says that PHG just needs to take a break and they might get back together one day, but who knows. E! said a couple of weeks ago that Toyota Cressida is the one who started backing away, because she’s too much of a carefree butterfly and isn’t ready to live a life of wearing boring designer clothes and waving at her subjects at ribbon cuttings for new parks.
I don’t know why the source says “needy” like it’s a bad thing. If you’re fucking PHG full-time, it’s natural to get extra needy by using your mouth and other parts to suction to his ginger body and not let go for any reason. If THE QUEEN sics her Corgies on you, just keep suctioning to PHG’s body and let those bitches bite your ass. It’s worth it. But whatever, I didn’t think PHG would marry anytime soon, because there’s a lot of stringy blond-haired skinny girls who’ll let him snort vodka puddles off of their stomachs and yes, I’m currently in the process of losing 50 pounds, working on my tuck and sewing shredded corn husks into my hair.
I hope this means that PHG goes back to my Tang goddess Chelsy Davy, because she truly is the Fergie of our time.
And really, we all know what’s really going on here. The break-up is obviously just a viral stunt for this soon-to-be television masterpiece.
And here’s PHG touching his ass while watching a bunch of athletes work out at the launch of the Invictus Games selection process at Tedworth House.