Taylor Momsen Doesn’t Have Raccoon Eyes Anymore

In case you forgot what Taylor Momsen looked like after sneaking onto a campground to smear ten pounds of charcoal dust over her eyes, here’s what her signature deranged raccoon eyes looked like a couple of years ago:

And now she doesn’t have them anymore. I don’t know how she got those thirty layers of Sharpie gunk, tar and gunpowder off of her eyes. I thought that the only way to get all that shit off of her face would be to remove her goddamn skin. She must’ve went down to Home Depot, rented a dozen sandblasters, picked up a few of my cousins in the parking lot and got them to blast that mess off of her eyes. It looks like after they chipped the paint off her eyes, they chipped away some of her nose. Bitch got rid of her raccoon eyes and half of her nose. She looks like a completely different person now. She looks like a Russian art student/Palmer Girl impersonator who makes extra money posing for pictures used in those ~Ukrainian~ bride e-mail scams.

Well, one thing didn’t change. She still looks like she’s full of rainbows and kitten kisses and lives a life full of sunshiney happiness.

Here’s Taylor with Kelly Rutherford and Wonky McValtrex at the Alice + Olivia presentation in NYC yesterday.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Pass Me The Holy Water Eye Drops

I haven’t stepped inside of a church for centuries, because they only have one kind of wine and all the magazines in the pew racks are boring. But lord, after seeing these pictures of Marilyn Manson and Taylor Momsen at the Revolver Golden God Awards, I just want to throw an abuelita-approved praying veil over my face and head to the nearest altar to pray to Guadalupe, Concepion, Mercedes, Charo, LaDonna, La Whisper, Ruby and all the other saints. This mess looks like a mock satanic ritual held in some goth teen girl’s garage. The only thing it’s missing is a father turning on all the lights and telling Taylor that it’s dinnertime and her bloated, grown lesbian friend needs to go home.

Who knew that the way to make Marilyn Manson’s crotch more terrifying is to put Taylor Momsen’s Top Ramen ass weave in front of it? Then, when things couldn’t get even worse, Johnny Depp (click here to see his ass perform) came out to play with MM. Once I finish barfing from all my holes over Marilyn slobbering on Taylor like she’s pie, I’m going to barf some more over the fact that for a quick second I mistook Johnny Depp for Adam Ant.

Taylor Momsen Has Retired From Acting

The acting world is still suffering from shortness of breath brought on by Amanda Bynes pressing pause on her acting career for a second, and now it will completely have to deep throat a 10-inch long asthma inhaler over award-winning thespian (by “award-winning” I mean bitch hasn’t won shit) Taylor Momsen hanging up her “acting” skills forever. Cut to the sad image of Meryl Streep passing a torch to an empty space, because Taylor Momsen isn’t there to grab it.

The post-seizure dumpster panda tells Elle Magazine that she’s quit acting, quit Gossip Girl and will devote all her time to duct taping her nipples in the name of rock.

ELLE: And any acting projects planned?
TM: I quit acting, actually. I quit Gossip Girl and now tour and am in a band and that’s pretty much all I want to do. Hopefully I’ll be able to only do that for the rest of my life.

Bitch, stop. You know Gossip Girl quit you, because they were sick of wasting money on paying hos to scrape off the gorilla anus rings from around your eyes before getting you into make-up. But seriously, Taylor is making the right decision. When you’re acting skills make Blake Lively look like an actual human being that processes actual emotions in her working brain, it’s best to go out on top.

And Gossip Girl has announced that they won’t kill off the character of Jenny. They’re simply going to replace Taylor with a malnourished raccoon in a teased Heidi wig. Whenever they need Jenny to talk, they’ll just give the raccoon a cracker to nibble on while a crack baby provides her voice by slurring out coos in the corner. I’m sure the raccoon and the crack baby will both win an Emmy.

Johnny Depp Does The Sliming

Dressed like the late-in-life French lesbian owner of an ostrich farm in New Mexico, Johnny Depp strolled onto the stage at Nickelodeon’s Kids Choice Awards in L.A. yesterday and hosed everyone down with slime. I see what you did there, Nickelodeon, and Child Protective Services along with agents from The Chris Hansen Department of NOT RIGHT SHIT will be knocking on your door.

While most hos were on the receiving end of a Shrek green shower, Johnny doesn’t play that mess. It took Johnny way too long to successfully snatch those clothes from Diane Keaton’s closet, so he’s not going to let Slimer’s menstrual fluid mess ’em up. And I really feel sorry for the sick ho who Googles “slime me, Johnny Depp, slime me” and end up on this post. This is not what you signed up for when you clicked.

If you need to know the winners of this popped glow stick passed off as an awards show, you need to look elsewhere! We’re all adults here (not really) and we don’t look at the winners of some children’s awards show! Adults don’t do that! We only make inappropriate jokes about the pictures! And let’s continue the theme.

Here’s a few of those who showed up to that mess yesterday: Johnny Depp (and I know you’re going to use the color picker Photoshop tool on that green slime), Josh Bieber, Fergie in a Lego dress, Heidi Klum with Nick Cannon, Russell Brand with Manny from Modern Family, Snoop Dogg, Selena Gomez, Wonky McValtrex (whose military trained gyno knows all about green slime), some tramps off the street, Taylor Momsen, Nick Simmons, Sophie Simmons, Willow Smith, Steven Tyler with Erin Brady and Sofia Vergara.

And Satan Just Became Celibate

Last night in Toronto, the Illuminati after-school program flunky Taylor Momsen made Satan’s minions throw each other awkward glances when she took to the stage at Pretty Reckless’ show wearing a tank top from PedoBear’s Pentagram collection. If you’ve ever wondered whose fan letter Charles Manson scribbled “RETURN TO SENDER” on, you now have your answer.

Taylor’s fuck parts might worship Satan, but ho’s ass worships pancakes (or is it the other way around?). This dumpster panda Lolita’s ass is so damn flat that I want to pull out a projector and watch the Oscars on it tonight.

“I still wouldn’t…” – Satan

This Is Our Future, Part 14

It’s our future and you know what, I don’t even mind. 17-year-old Taylor Momsen is simply just a young girl who is trying to find herself in the clearance section of the Flirt catalog, the drawer where you keep your old black eyeliner pencils and the part of the WWE’s costume closet that houses the old bedazzled wrestling panties from their glory days.

Don’t you remember when you were a 17-year-old hunchback gutter Muppet and walking down a random alley while motioning to a dude that backdoor costs extra (or maybe you were motioning that you keep the 8-balls in your backdoor). This was all of us! Just think of Taylor Momsen as a Ghost of Whoredays Past who’s simply a version of your 17-year-old self but with even less dignity and more attention whoreness.

Cindy Hooha wore this elegant ho shit uniform to the Hollywood premiere of Justin Bieber’s new 3D movie last night. Yes, so that magical tingle you heard wasn’t the wind chime outside. It was Justin Bieber’s balls dropping as he laid eyes on Taylor Momsen looking like something that blew out of the Rock of Love Bus exhaust pipe.

And it’s funny that Miley Cyrus was also there and completely covered everything up. Miley gave us “middle-aged spiritual healer from Sedona, Arizona.” However, Noah Cyrus showed up in the same outfit as Taylor and had to go into the bathroom to change. Crisis averted.

Here’s another picture of Taylor’s walk of no shame as well as pictures of other hos at last night’s thing. In order: Sad Panda, Amanda Woodward, Miley with Tish and Noah, The Smiths, Bieber, Scary Spice with family, Usher with his sons, Toni Braxton, Leona Lewis and Selena Gomez.