Taylor Momsen Is A Pro-Fapping Crusader

Christine O’Donnell has just met her new arch rival in the masturbating panda that is Taylor Momsen! For every trick who touches their wet parts for the first time at the advice of Taylor Momsen, Christine O’Donnell weakens! Keep fucking that chicken, world! So Taylor Momsen is not only a role model for sad angsty pandas who like to do bad things, but she’s now a role model for proud self-fuckers everywhere.

In an interview with The Guardian (via The Frisky), Taylor basically said that everyone should learn how to make their genitals bust into an ecstasy seizure at their own hand before they move on to the main party.

“I’m a promoter of masturbation. Don’t sleep around—learn yourself first! Guys do, but girls don’t. And that’s why girls have so many bad experiences. But you can know your body, know yourself, know what feels good. You don’t have to give yourself away just to have sexual relevance. Because I don’t think sex is something people should be afraid of. It’s part of human nature, so I don’t think it should be so shameful—particularly for girls and young girls.”

Taylor Momsen’s brain actually made a sense. Who knew this day would come! But that’s easy for her to say. Taylor has an unfair advantage. Bitch never has to buy lube since her eyes are greasier than the peen of the lone top at a gay orgy.

And now that Taylor has put her fist up for the right to masturbate, I hope this doesn’t mean we’re going to get a cover of “I Touch Myself” by The Pretty Reckless. Because that will kill masturbation forever.

Gossip Girl Will Be Jenny-Less For A While

Taylor Momsen is just living her life as a fag smoking, nip flashing, testicle burning, vibrator humping angsty teen panda, but the producers of Gossip Girl do not want to be associated with it anymore!! Taylor has basically been demoted to extra with lines for most of the season and producers want to keep it that way. Deadline Hollywood says that after next Monday’s episode, the character of Little Jenny will be MIA until further notice.

A source who works on the show is saying they cut off Little Jenny for “creative reasons” but others say Taylor’s eye rolls and overall IDGAF attitude is what put her in the time out playpen. An example of that is what the tingle in my nipple Tim Gunn had to say about working with Taylor: “She was pathetic, she couldn’t remember her lines, and she didn’t even have that many. I thought to myself, ‘Why are we being held hostage by this brat?'”

Oh, fuck me with a “HO PLEASE.” This has nothing to do with Taylor’s behavior. IN THIS ECONOMY, it has everything to do with the budget. Do you know many rolls of steel wool, wood chisels, gallons of turpentine, sandblasters, prayer circles, veteran contractors, priests who specialize in exorcisms and man-made tornadoes it takes to get all that tar off of Taylor’s eyes?! A LOT! The producers would rather spend the money on unicorn sperm to keep Chace Crawford’s precious skin glowing than on removing the coal bukkake party over Taylor’s eyes. Good choice, I say!

Vintage Taylor Momsen

Long before Taylor Momsen was cementing her status as the hardest bitch on the playground by running a Shake and Bake meth lab in the glove compartment of her Barbie car, she was starring in a Shake ‘N Bake commercial!

This is a 3-year-old Taylor Momsen shaking away any hope she had for a childhood (her queefs, not mine!) back in 1997. We’re not only watching a little girl make a delicious chicken meal that is best served with hot mashed potato flakes, but we’re also watching her slowly become the SAD PANDA she is today.

via HuffPo

Cindy Boo Hoo

The hardest and edgiest rabid raccoon in the dumpster behind a Hot Topic has revealed the secret ingredient to her Emo-approved angstface and why she’s always shuffling around like someone just told her Emily the Strange died. It’s because she eternally miiiiiiseeeeeeraaaaaaaable. And not in a “13-year-old who bases all of their manufactured emotions on Bright Eyes songs and not Cure songs because that would be soooo cliche” kind of way. She’s like authentically miserable! You would be able to tell from the tears of misery that pour out of her eyes but the toxic sludge on her face disintegrates them before they get to cheek.

Just like any other whiny ass teenager, Taylor blames the gloom and doom on her parents who pushed her out onto the “babies only” part of the ho stroll at a young age. From Starpulse (via UsWeekly):

“Everyone’s like, ‘Wow, why is she upset and why is she so miserable about things?’ My parents signed me up with Ford (modeling agency) at the age of two. No two-year-old wants to be working, but I had no choice. My whole life, I was in and out of school. I didn’t have friends. I was working constantly and I didn’t have a real life.”

Well, it’s never too late to go back and live a “real life” childhood. So I suggest that Taylor takes a box of baby wipes to her face and crawls into the nearest kindergarten class room to play Barbies with the other kids. The nipple tape and vibrators will be waiting for her when she gets back (not really). And in the meantime, let’s all give the sad panda a hug.

Because whether we like it or not, a sad panda gives all of us the sads.

Well, At Least She Didn’t Flash Anybody…I Think

At the MTV EMAs in Madrid last night, the hardest and edgiest toddler in the playpen continued to dress like a mid-range Craigslist “masseuse” with a serious Cherie Currie fetish and mysterious rash on her eyelid she covers up using black Halloween lipstick, markers from The Dollar General and ash from a smoking bin outside of a Holiday Inn Express.

You know, I can’t fully throw a black cloud of shade over Taylor Momsen, because when I was 12 (or however old that trick is) I too had the choreographed posture of an angsty tween Igore and an “I HATE LIFE” scowlface you usually see on a morning-shift cashier at Hot Topic. It hurts to admit, but I was that! However, I don’t remember slipping on a Victoria’s Secret push-up bra and pulling my nipples so high that it made Chris Hansen’s brows touch his hairline. I must’ve been fucked up on cooking wine and freon during that episode.

And speaking of hunchback creatures who look like they should be welcoming you into Frankenstein’s castle (snatched from 30 Rock), Miley Cyrus was also at the EMAs last night and she performed one of her songs. And by performed, I mean she hollered and spazzed out like she’s got a painful ingrown camel toe.

Oh, That Taylor’s Just Flashing The Crowd

Don’t you remember when you were 17 and you were on stage at Don Hill’s in NYC flashing your censor bars at the crowd? Those were the days, right? Only it wasn’t NYC, it was California. And it wasn’t Don Hill’s, it was in the cheap ass bedroom my mom built in the garage while Gina G blasted on a boombox. And it wasn’t on stage, it was on top of a twin Ikea bed that was all sorts of wonky due to the half-broken wooden slats (I hate those slats). And it wasn’t for a crowd, it was for NOBODY!

What I’m getting at here is that I know that 17-year-old Taylor Momsen is the hardest and edgiest bitch in every game (seriously, she probably even curses during Monopoly), but can’t she wait a year to flash her duct-taped nipples. I mean, Chris Hansen is going to ask everyone to have a collective seat. Save that mess for the privacy of your own garage bedroom…while Gina G blasts from a boombox (the Gina G part is really important).

Here’s a few pictures of Taylor with the blood of a chicken she sacrificed (aka Wet ‘N Wild lipstick) smeared all over her eyes at a Paper Magazine party at Don Hill’s last night. FYI: Hollywood Life threw a censor bar over her chest, but apparently she was wearing pasties.