Nobody likes losing, especially if it means a little bit of postpartum humiliation at Wimbledon, but it sure-as-shit helps if your ass is rich and can lick those emotional wounds in the lap of luxury. As y’all know Serena Williams didn’t do her usual strut her way to victory in her first Wimbledon final since giving birth, but because she’s married to Reddit royalty Alexis Ohanian, she was able to get over it with some Italian pasta in Italy on a whim. Continue reading
The world nodded approvingly when the Royal Ladies Squad showed up at the Wimbledon Championships on Saturday sans their balls and chains and the rest of that stuffy family, according to People. Duchesses Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle flashed peace signs and made goofy faces as they took silly selfies in the Royal Box, while THE QUEEN drunkenly demanded to know when “those fit blokes in the little arse-huggin’ shorts” were going to play. Ok, that didn’t happen. Kate and Meghan behaved like ladies and THE QUEEN couldn’t attend. She was too busy recovering from having to look at the one arse in the world that NO ONE wants to behold.
Serena Williams is called the G.O.A.T. for a reason, and it wouldn’t shock me at all to see her fifty years from now beating someone half her age on the court from the comfort of her Jazzy scooter. That might not happen, and not because scooters will be replaced in the future by a robot called the GRANN-E that carries the elderly around. Serena revealed to InStyle that she gets pregnant again, there’s a possibility she’ll retire from tennis.
Some people still get very bothered by what Serena Williams wears on the tennis court. Yesterday at the French Open, Serena won her first grand slam match since giving birth to her daughter eight months ago, and she did it while wearing what appeared to be a black catsuit.
True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.
Serena Williams has been taking her time getting back into tennis after the birth of their daughter Alexis Jr. in September; after a messy return at the Mubadala World Tennis Championship, she decided to to skip the Australian Open in January for fear she wasn’t quite back yet. But Serena is ready for part 2 of her comeback. Page Six says she’ll be playing in the BNP Paribas Open in Indian Wells, CA beginning March 5th. In honor of her return, her husband Alexis Ohanian announced her return on four billboards along the I-10 in Palm Springs. Their location is close to the Indian Wells Tennis Garden, where the BNP Paribas is held.
The billboards feature pictures of Alexis Jr. and Serena with the words “Greatest momma of all time” spread out over the first three, and “Serena Williams G.M.O.A.T. – Alexis Jr & Sr” on the fourth. Every other tennis player going to the BNP Paribas Open just turned to their significant other and gave them a look that says, “So I guess you’re just going to show up with a homemade sign or a t-shirt then, huh.”
I like to think of what those billboards would look like in an alternate Back to the Future-style universe where Serena is still with Drake. That reality is a lot less cute. Instead of driving by and awwww-ing at little Alexis Jr., motorists are struggling to keep their eyes on the road after rolling them too much at the sight of a 48-foot tall Drake making corny lovesick kissy faces above them.