Serena Williams and her adorable little morsel of a baby Alexis Olympia Ohanian Jr are on the cover of February’s Vogue, and inside she tells some cute stories about life with baby (Alexis has a little baby gym with dumb-bell shaped rattles) but most interestingly, she gives a harrowing account of how giving birth almost took her out.
Serena Williams had a great 2017 (congratulations to Serena and Taylor Swift, from the rest of us). She set a Grand Slam record in January, had a baby in September, got married to the co-founder of Reddit in November, and Nike named a building after her in December. Naturally I assumed Serena would skip into 2018 like, “Okay time to kill at tennis again!“, but that’s not going to happen just yet.
“I was…uh…busy that day” says a huffy Maria Sharapova at least 10 times in the next hour when asked if she got an invitation to Serena Williams’ wedding.
People and UsWeekly are reporting that Serena Williams and Reddit co-founder Alexis Ohanian Sr. got married in New Orleans on Thursday. Their wedding comes two and a half months after she gave birth to their daughter Alexis Ohanian Jr., the (probably) future tennis champion of the world and whatever other planets we’re inhabiting by then. A baby and a wedding – those are two big life milestones to cram into a year. All that’s missing is a Jet Ski purchase (Jet Ski is ownership is a pretty big deal where I’m from).
This is the first marriage for both 36-year-old Serena and 34-year-old Alexis. There aren’t any pictures of Serena and Alexis’ wedding just yet, so we don’t know if the crowd threw upvotes on the happy couple as they made their way out of the ceremony. But there are some details on the guest list.
Serena and Alexis Sr. got married in front of a ton of famous people like Beyonce, Kim Kardashian, Eva Longoria, La La Anthony, Kelly Rowland, and Caroline Wozniacki. The rehearsal dinner featured such guests as Selita Ebanks,Colton Haynes, Anna Wintour and Emeril Lagasse. I would hope they too got an invite to the wedding? That’s usually the case, but you never know. That would suck if they were only invited to the rehearsal dinner the night before. “Tables 4 to 6, stock up on shrimp now, because come tomorrow you’re back to room service pizza.”
The difference between goddesses and us peasants is that when peasants like myself wake up with a giant purple ruffled wart on our shoulder, we go down to the free clinic with a list of our past fuck partners while trying to remember which one of them rubbed their dirty dick on our shoulder. But when goddesses wake up with a giant purple ruffed wart on their shoulder, they work it to the core at an event and bring the people to their knees.
Iman put the glamour in Glamour’s Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night when she slid along the red carpet in a Christian Siriano gown that made her look like that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur if that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur got a fairy godmother to turn them into a human goddess. Iman also looks like the most gorgeous venus fly trap that ever sprouted from the earth, and if they ever do that Little Shop of Horrors remake, she can play Audrey II. But instead of eating humans, she causes them to pass out from the power of her pose skills.
Here’s more from last night’s Women of the Year Awards. Nobody can touch Iman and her ruffled fortune cookie, but I am into Nicole Kidman’s tits beneath my wings dress.
In case your friends posting all over Instagram and Facebook this weekend about how Beyoncé changed their lives didn’t give you a hint, Queen B turned 36 yesterday. She managed to snatch the Labor Day focus off BBQ and summertime sadness, and onto herself for the highest holiday in the Beyhive’s calendar.
But Bey’s day wasn’t celebrated how us normal folks might do. We have happy hour margaritas and inevitable tears about accomplishing jack shit. Beyoncé has Michelle Obama dressing up in a Beyonce costume for an artistic photo shoot. Continue reading
Every tiny little baby with the tennis gene just got very nervous and started thinking of a new sport to get into, because the future tennis champion of the universe (we’ll be hitting balls on Mars by then, right?) has been born.