Today’s theme is turning out to be: Sex and Tennis. Please let the theme continue! I really hope a locker room sex tape starring Feliciano Lopez and Fernando Verdasco leaks. (Yes, I had no idea who those two were until four seconds ago after Googling, “Who are the hottest tennis pieces?“)
Not that the possibility of being a child support check provider to an Instagram model was on his mind, but now it’s really not on Drake’s mind. Because Drake is too busy taking a crash-course training in how to be a birth coach and nanny now that his one-time boo is knocked up. As Beyonce grows the newest holy messiahs in her womb, Serena Williams is growing the future ruler of tennis in her body.
October was a busy month for Serena Williams. Not only did she get inducted into Taylor Swift’s club of famous friends, but it looks like she might also have gotten herself a new boyfriend. And the gentleman triggering Drake’s latest tear-stained jealous diary entry appears to be Nicole Sherzinger’s ex Lewis Hamilton.
The Daily Mail says that 35-year-old Serena and 31-year-old Lewis were first spotted acting couple-y last Sunday after he won the Formula 1 Mexican Grand Prix. Serena and Lewis held hands, which is Celebrity Sign Language for “We’re probably doing it.” The following day, Serena and Lewis were seen hanging out together at Heidi Klum’s Halloween party in New York. Sadly, they didn’t make it official by showing up in matching Joker/Harley Quinn costumes. Lewis did dress up as The Joker, but Heath Ledger’s version. Meanwhile, Serena dressed up as what most people look like when they try on a swimsuit at American Apparel.
— Page Six (@PageSix) November 2, 2016
Page Six has a few more details about their Halloween night. Serena and Lewis were reportedly seen “getting cozy” at 1 Oak after Heidi Klum’s party. A source says that they were “super flirty” and didn’t leave each other all night. Not even to go to the bathroom? That’s commitment to a new piece. Maybe that was part of the flirting. Serena would wink at Lewis and whisper “I have to pee, but I’m not going to, because I’ll miss you too much. Ooh, a smile – looks like you like that.” Then Lewis would reply: “No, it’s just the makeup. I’m actually very concerned about your bladder.”
On Wednesday night, Taylor Swift debuted the newest life-size collectible figurines in her famous friends collection, which included Zoe Kravitz, Dakota Johnson, and Suki Waterhouse. She was clearly saving last night to show off her best, most famous new squad member. Taylor and her pretty girl posse went out again in NYC, but this time they were accompanied by special guest Serena Williams. See Demi? Sometimes Taylor doesn’t check the box that says “tall super skinny blonde model” when she applies for new friends.
I wasn’t aware that Serena Williams was in the market to join a new friendship group. The last time I checked, she was still a card-carrying member of Beyonce’s squad. Maybe this is all part of a larger scheme in which Taylor has recruited Serena take down that jealous hater meanie Eugenie Bouchard from the inside. “Hey Serena, you do tennis, right? Listen, I’ve got a job for you…”
Taylor auditioned Serena as a friend back in July 2015 by “please welcome to the stage“-ing her at a concert in London during her 1989 Tour. Serena is also friends with Taylor’s second-in-command Karlie Kloss, as well as squad secretary-treasurer Gigi Hadid. Serena seems to have passed Taylor’s initial pre-squad evaluation. It will be interesting to see if she successfully completes Taylor’s squad initiation ritual. I’ve heard it involves a dozen pink cupcakes, a pinch of purebred cat fur, six lawyers, and a blood oath.
Here’s more of Taylor with her squad last night.
The 35th anniversary of the birth of Beysus (I’ll pause here for all of us shady bitches who need to throw a side-eye at “35“) was on Sunday and she celebrated Beymas all weekend long. Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter spent Friday with Michelle Obama at Camp David, Chance The Rapper serenaded her at the Made In America festival in Philadelphia on her actual born day, and last night she threw herself a giant Soul Train-themed party in NYC. A zillion famous tricks went to Beyonce’s party, including Puffy whose puffy b-hole probably screamed out a YES when he got the invitation, because he finally had a reason to wear that $3 swap meet-bought Vinnie Barbarino wig.
There will be some of you who think this is a picture of Serena Williams at Wimbledon. Others who have no idea what tennis is might think it’s a picture of a lady in a white turtleneck dress holding an invisible Shake Weight. But for some people on the internet, all they see is nipples. NIPPLES! So many nipples! Shield your eyes! Get the kids out of the room! NSFW!!!
According to The Daily Mail, some people watching Serena’s recent semi-finals match at home were having a really difficult time because their eyes kept getting distracted by Serena’s nipples. I’m sure this is where you’re wondering “Distracting, how?” Like, were they yelling shit out on the court? Were they constantly winking at the ball boy? Were they Snapchatting every play and using the doggy face filter on the ref? No. They were just there, in high definition on people’s televisions. And it got them so upset, they took to Twitter to complain. “Should I fill them in on the irony of complaining about nipples on a platform in which the mascot belongs to a species that includes the Booby and the Tit?” thought the Twitter bird.
The Daily Mail has compiled a collection of tweets about Serena Williams’ nipples, and in their words, people are “outraged.” But they’re pretty much what you’d expect from online Nipple Haters. Stuff like “Pls put them away” and “Serena Williams’ nipples are literally in HD.” Yes, believe it, that last one was a complaint.
In case you care more about Serena Williams than her nipples, she recently advanced to the finals. If she wins, it will be her sixth Wimbledon win.
To paraphrase Tommy Lee Jones, I cannot sanction this buffoonery. Nipples are like built-in flare; they have the ability to bring a certain je ne sais quoi to any ensemble. But what if you don’t want your nipples out there? Too damn bad, nipples are unpredictable! If a nipple wants to pop out and say “haaaay!” to everyone, they’re going to do it and no amount of fabric will stop them. Nipples are the no-fucks-given grandma of the human body. You can’t fight them, they’re going to do whatever they want!
Remind me to never get Serena Williams’ order wrong at the drive-through. She will come through a wall and beat you with the fry-o-lator, judging by this footage of her taking a hissy fit out on her poor racquet at Wimbledon. Serena apparently felt that her match wasn’t going well so she smashed her sporting equipment and then disposed of the body by carelessly flinging it behind her. Cold. She was fined for this behavior but she’s still free to walk the streets. Who knows how many racquets have been beaten to death and unceremoniously tossed into the bushes behind her mansion’s tennis court? Someone call Dateline NBC.
Watch Serena Williams lose it on her racquet below.