True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.
Serena Williams has been taking her time getting back into tennis after the birth of their daughter Alexis Jr. in September; after a messy return at the Mubadala World Tennis Championship, she decided to to skip the Australian Open in January for fear she wasn’t quite back yet. But Serena is ready for part 2 of her comeback. Page Six says she’ll be playing in the BNP Paribas Open in Indian Wells, CA beginning March 5th. In honor of her return, her husband Alexis Ohanian announced her return on four billboards along the I-10 in Palm Springs. Their location is close to the Indian Wells Tennis Garden, where the BNP Paribas is held.
The billboards feature pictures of Alexis Jr. and Serena with the words “Greatest momma of all time” spread out over the first three, and “Serena Williams G.M.O.A.T. – Alexis Jr & Sr” on the fourth. Every other tennis player going to the BNP Paribas Open just turned to their significant other and gave them a look that says, “So I guess you’re just going to show up with a homemade sign or a t-shirt then, huh.”
I like to think of what those billboards would look like in an alternate Back to the Future-style universe where Serena is still with Drake. That reality is a lot less cute. Instead of driving by and awwww-ing at little Alexis Jr., motorists are struggling to keep their eyes on the road after rolling them too much at the sight of a 48-foot tall Drake making corny lovesick kissy faces above them.
Serena Williams and her adorable little morsel of a baby Alexis Olympia Ohanian Jr are on the cover of February’s Vogue, and inside she tells some cute stories about life with baby (Alexis has a little baby gym with dumb-bell shaped rattles) but most interestingly, she gives a harrowing account of how giving birth almost took her out.
Serena Williams had a great 2017 (congratulations to Serena and Taylor Swift, from the rest of us). She set a Grand Slam record in January, had a baby in September, got married to the co-founder of Reddit in November, and Nike named a building after her in December. Naturally I assumed Serena would skip into 2018 like, “Okay time to kill at tennis again!“, but that’s not going to happen just yet.
“I was…uh…busy that day” says a huffy Maria Sharapova at least 10 times in the next hour when asked if she got an invitation to Serena Williams’ wedding.
People and UsWeekly are reporting that Serena Williams and Reddit co-founder Alexis Ohanian Sr. got married in New Orleans on Thursday. Their wedding comes two and a half months after she gave birth to their daughter Alexis Ohanian Jr., the (probably) future tennis champion of the world and whatever other planets we’re inhabiting by then. A baby and a wedding – those are two big life milestones to cram into a year. All that’s missing is a Jet Ski purchase (Jet Ski is ownership is a pretty big deal where I’m from).
This is the first marriage for both 36-year-old Serena and 34-year-old Alexis. There aren’t any pictures of Serena and Alexis’ wedding just yet, so we don’t know if the crowd threw upvotes on the happy couple as they made their way out of the ceremony. But there are some details on the guest list.
Serena and Alexis Sr. got married in front of a ton of famous people like Beyonce, Kim Kardashian, Eva Longoria, La La Anthony, Kelly Rowland, and Caroline Wozniacki. The rehearsal dinner featured such guests as Selita Ebanks,Colton Haynes, Anna Wintour and Emeril Lagasse. I would hope they too got an invite to the wedding? That’s usually the case, but you never know. That would suck if they were only invited to the rehearsal dinner the night before. “Tables 4 to 6, stock up on shrimp now, because come tomorrow you’re back to room service pizza.”
The difference between goddesses and us peasants is that when peasants like myself wake up with a giant purple ruffled wart on our shoulder, we go down to the free clinic with a list of our past fuck partners while trying to remember which one of them rubbed their dirty dick on our shoulder. But when goddesses wake up with a giant purple ruffed wart on their shoulder, they work it to the core at an event and bring the people to their knees.
Iman put the glamour in Glamour’s Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night when she slid along the red carpet in a Christian Siriano gown that made her look like that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur if that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur got a fairy godmother to turn them into a human goddess. Iman also looks like the most gorgeous venus fly trap that ever sprouted from the earth, and if they ever do that Little Shop of Horrors remake, she can play Audrey II. But instead of eating humans, she causes them to pass out from the power of her pose skills.
Here’s more from last night’s Women of the Year Awards. Nobody can touch Iman and her ruffled fortune cookie, but I am into Nicole Kidman’s tits beneath my wings dress.