I should start by saying that no matter how annoying or awful a kid is behaving, I believe it’s bad juju to go up to a random stranger and tell their kid to Shut Up or Shut The Fuck Up or Shut That Fucking Kid Up (because usually an extra-strength cut-eye will suffice and it won’t get your ass beat). However, I am willing to open the floor for discussion on whether this rule applies to something that shares DNA with Kris Jenner. Please keep your statements to 3 minutes in length, and just a reminder that ‘evil, awful viper woman’ is not a valid argument.
According to The Daily Mail, while returning from a recent vacation in Mexico – THANK GOD THEY MANAGED TO FIND TIME IN THEIR BUSY SCHEDULES TO GO ON VACATION – Kourtney Kardashian had a verbal run in with a fellow passenger on their flight, who told one or both of her kids to pipe down. Kourtney, being the definition of “She is her drama-loving mother’s daughter”, took to Twitter to show that nosy bitch who’s boss by tweeting this:
That’s pretty rich, coming from someone who’s only famous because their sister kept her mouth wide open and filmed Ray J’s dick going in and out (ZING).
We don’t know why that
anonymous hero stranger told her kids to shut up, but I can imagine it’s not for the reason Kourtney thinks it was. The stranger (let’s call her Gladys because it’s ALWAYS a Gladys) probably got the feeling she was in the presence of Satan, and turned around to find a Kardashian sitting behind her. Knowing that Kris is Satan’s messenger on earth who obtains souls for the underworld by sucking them out through the mouth, Gladys heroically commanded the children to close their mouths before their souls were taken and they became a minion of Hell. Gladys was doing your kids a favor, Kourtney! Speaking of souls, a little part of mine dies every time I have to type Kourtney’s name; say what you will about Courtney Stodden, but at least she doesn’t spell her name like a fucking daytime stripper.
Here’s more of Kourtney and Scott Disick, who’s kind of giving me Gordon Bombay vibes (I don’t hate it) arriving at LAX after their trip:
How to get your ass robbed in 1 easy step by Lord Scott Isadick:
1. Flaunt your cash, diamonds and gold on Instagram. The end.
The Lord Douche of Instagram Scott Disick decided to show the poors what you get when you fall out of a rich vagina and marry into a family of mutant fame whores who all traded their souls in for a Rolex covered in Satan’s shiny coagulated jizz balls. Scott Disick has always been understated and humble, so it’s not surprising that he would scoot his Louis Vuitton-monogrammed ass lips all over Instagram. And Goopy Paltrow is cackling at that picture of Scott’s roll of toilet money, because only bougie whores wipe their asses with money. When the real rich shit, their servants spray their b-holes with vintage Cristal Brut and they get their ass tunnels re-lined with Scottish cashmere.
And if there’s one thing that’ll get The Bling Ring back together, it’s this.
Kanye Kardashian (née West) queefed out this American Psycho short shit show to promote Yeezus and I’ve never been attacked with a chainsaw by Patrick Bateman while a starving rat ate cheese out of my culito, but I have a feeling that’s less painful than watching this wretched turd. Everybody (including my dumb ass) who said that Scott Isadick needs to play Patrick Bateman in some form needs to slap themselves with a Huey Lewis CD for putting that idea into the universe, because now that nightmare has come true. Scott’s acting is so damn awful that he makes the “walrus coming out of a long coma” moans that Kim Kartrashian makes in her sex tape seem like they came from an actual human who feels real human emotions. Yes, Scott brutally murders Jonathan Cheban (aka the troll that Khloe Kardashian found hiding in a tree hole while she was out hunting for deer one night), but even that can’t save this mess.
Scott’s voice gets so high at the end that it sounds like Pimp Mama Kris is grabbing his nutsack with her demon claw and slowing pulling it out by the root. He sounds like Mickey Mouse getting castrated. And yes, a castrated Mickey Mouse would make a better Patrick Bateman than Scott Disick.
I don’t know if Kanye West is throw an Illuminati gang sign or he’s showing us what his legs are going to do later that night since Kim isn’t in town.
Kanye West celebrated his sweet 36th birthday at Miss Lily’s in NYC last night with a not-knocked-up Beyonce, Jay-Z, Scott Disick, Jonathan Cheban, Nas, Aziz Ansari and David Blaine. Not on the guest list was Kim Kardashian. Everyone can say that Kim is nearly 9 months pregnant with little Kanyetta Krayola West Kardashian and isn’t allowed to fly, but since when does that heffa care about the well-being of her unborn child? You know bitch would’ve put her pregnant ass on a plane to get a photo-op with Kanye and Beyonce. Kanye probably told her that he’s just going to have a quiet night at home and watch Behind the Candelabra again while eating an Entenmann’s german chocolate cake.
Well, Jonathan Cheban (looking like Brian Peppers’ swag coach), is a fart permanently stuck to Kim’s ass, so I guess he was there representing her. I guess.
While wearing a dress the color of the tears you shed when you see another Kardashian post, Pimp Mama Kris appeared in a cloud of black smoke at the E! Upfronts in NYC yesterday and she brought along her iPhone with her official title on it. I’m not taking “Queen of Fucking Everything” to mean that she’s the Queen of Everything. That title already belongs to Richard Simmons and all the heads of state were there when he had it tattooed onto his ass lips, so that makes it official. I’m taking it to mean that she will fuck absolutely everything for a dollar or for a blurb in (insert the name of every single magazine that exists on the planet here).
If there was a dead giant hissing cock roach lying in a puddle of dried dog piss and you told PMK that a quarter will fall out of it if she humped it, she’d slather Zestra all over her parts and get to it. If you told PMK that E! will give her family another spin-off show if she 69ed with Lucifer, she’d shrug and tell you that she’s been there, done that, but she’ll gladly do it again. If you promised PMK everlasting wealth and fame if she sold her entire family into the hands of the head of an underground sex slavery ring, she’d grab a price label gun and immediately shoot a $3.00 tag onto Khloe’s forehead.
So yeah, PMK and her entire family are the Queens of Fucking Everything. PMK is finally telling the truth about something.
Here’s the Queen of all Whores and some of her hos at the E! Upfronts last night.
It’s the end of the year so all the whores in Pimp Mama Kris’ stable are working hard to meet their yearly quota of photo-ops. So that’s why Scott IsADick and the slow Kardashian, wearing Mrs. Roper’s old lounging pants, took their two kids to the beach for a little bonding time with the paps. No, I won’t judge your gross, shameless ass for staring hard to see if you can make out Scott’s peen print. I will let the Sky God judge you for that since lusting after one of his enemy’s whores is a sin!
Scott Disick is wearing an eye patch now, because he made the mistake of walking into the Kartrashian family kitchen one day completely sober and without tinted safety goggles on. Bruce Jenner was there and it’s natural human instinct to stab yourself in the eye with a kitchen knife after seeing Bruce Jenner’s face first thing in the morning. It happens. So that’s why Scott is wearing an eye patch and since he’s fancy, he had it monogrammed. But what does “LD” stand for? Here’s some of my guesses:
- Lord Douchebag
- Little Dick
- Loves Dingleberries
- Living Diaper
- Lucifer’s Darling
- Licks DaButt
And on and on and on… I can do that all day. And you know what Penelope can do all day? Throw her mom a side-eye for putting that scarf or pillowcase (or whatever) on her head.