Lil Kim Birthed Out A Baby Girl And Her Newborn Daughter’s First Words Will Be, “Uh, Which Way To The Name Changing Office?”

In a hospital in New Jersey somewhere, Lil Kim is trying to contort her rubber Whoopee cushion face into the look of pure happiness, because today she was reunited with her true loves: BOTOX AND COLLAGEN! Some new mothers scream for their smegma-covered newborn or a bottle of any kind of booze after giving birth, but I’m sure Lil Kim screamed for fillers and syringes full of liquid plastic. Because she’s been without them for much too long. But Lil Kim did find some time in between filling her post-pregnant face full of her life elixir of choice to name her kid. UsWeekly says that after being knocked up for what felt like 30 seconds, the plastic Nermal figurine popped out the baby she made with Mr. Papers in a New Jersey hospital this morning. The name they gave their daughter is perfect if their daughter’s goal in life is to be the headline stripper at an Atlantic City strip club/buffet restaurant that’s known for their Crown Royal-basted barbecue wings.

Lil’ Kim welcomed her daughter at 9:58 a.m. EST in New Jersey, the insider tells Us. The newborn — named Royal Reign — weighed in at 6 pounds, 5 ounces, and measured 19.5 inches in length.

Kim and Jermaine Jackson don’t only share the same back alley plastic surgeon, they also share a love for “regal” (see: fucked up) baby names.

You know, it could’ve been worse, though. Kim could’ve named her poor child something like Versace Juvéderm or PayPalla Princess. And “Royal Reign” isn’t that bad, because it sounds like the name of a Prince fragrance sold exclusively at Bath and Body Works. Besides being named “Royal Reign” is the last thing Lil Kim’s child has to worry about. The poor kid has to worry about scrunching her face when she cries, because we all know what Lil Kim does when she spots a wrinkle.