I know, a more shocking title would’ve been: “This May Or May Not Be A Video Of RiRi Delicately Sipping Tension Tamer Tea While Reading Bible Passages To A Group Of Children At Church On A Sunday Morning.”
The greatest debate since “Is that fugly dress black and blue or white and gold?” hit Twitter today when an Instagram video of RiRi maybe snorting coke was passed around. In the video, RiRi is partying with some friends on what looks like a fancy tour bus and the camera catches her with some kind of straw-looking thing in her hand (SPOILER ALERT: It’s probably a joint) and later shows her squeezing her nose like all RAGING COKEHEADS do. The ESCANDALOSO video is after the cut, but you might not be able to unclutch your fingers from your pearls to press play.
About a month ago, Leonardo DiCaprio’s people sent out a Morse code message from the communications deck of Leo’s snapper trapping yacht, The S. S. Snatch Catcher, to silence the rumor that he was sticking his dirty hobo dick in Rihanna by claiming that he was still single. And now it’s RiRi’s turn to do the same.
During a recent interview with Hello! (via The Daily Mail), Princess Ooh Na Na was asked: “How does Rihanna DiCaprio sound to you?“, because I suppose the sneaky sleuths at Hello! were trying to trick her into admitting that she was still picking Leo’s bloated beard lice off her pillowcases. Unfortunately for them, RiRi is smarter than the average intergalactic stripper princess, and she responded:
“It sounds to me like you should stay away from the blogs because they will screw you every time. I’m so busy right now that I just don’t have a lot of time to offer to a man, so it wouldn’t even be fair to be thinking of pulling somebody else into this life. But if I did, he would have to be man enough to live with my schedule and not get scared.”
So there you have it. RiRi is too busy to be cruising around the world on Leo’s floating fuck pad. But back to that Rihanna DiCaprio business. What the hell kind of dumb ass question was that? How does Rihanna DiCaprio sound? DUH – it sounds terrible! Rihanna is like Cher or Snoopy – she doesn’t need a last name. Rihanna isn’t tied down to a man OR a last name.
Nicki Minaj, Madge, Kanye, Jay-Z, Chris Martin’s face, Jack White and Beyonce were all on the same stage together and the earth beneath them didn’t collapse from the weight of their massive, throbbing egos. Basement Baby and the rejected children of Destiny were probably under the stage, holding it up to make sure that didn’t happen.
If you went to urgent care last night with a pulled neck muscle, then I’m guessing you pulled that neck muscle from shaking your head back and forth while watching the ridiculously awkward press conference for Tidal, a revolutionary new music streaming service that’s like Spotify except shittier and more expensive. Seen above seconds before they pulled their empty pockets out to show all of us how broke they are, RiRi, Nicki, Madge, DeadMau5, Kanye, Jay-Z and many, many others gathered together
for an Illuminati board meeting at a press conference to announce that they want more of your money. They’re all sick of barely scraping their rent money together from singing on street corners for loose change. So they joined forces to try to take out Spotify and make more cash while doing so.
I don’t know why I kept thinking the iHeartRadio Music Awards were the pearl-clutcher’s wholesome family-friendly alternative to the MTV Video Music Awards, but Rihanna’s performace of “Bitch Better Have My Money” last night and, to a lesser extent, Jamie Foxx’s crack about Bruce Jenner’s balls, confirmed that they definitely are not.
I like my RiRi’s performances extra raunchy (see: her pussy-tapping performance of “Birthday Cake” on SNL), so this left me a bit disappointed. But that doesn’t mean I hated it. I mean, bitch stepped out of a chopper looking like Oscar the Grouch’s slutty little sister. This is the iHeartRadio performance that Cookie Lyon would have given if Cookie Lyon was a real person. Not to mention that all that bright-green fur was giving me shades of old school Lil’ Kim (I’m not the only one); all that was missing was a bright green wig or one of RiRi’s titty tips covered in a sequined stick-on pasty.
And maybe it’s the hand full of buttered popcorn jelly beans I ate for breakfast, but she also sort of looks like the Scrappy-Doo to Lineysha Sparx’s Snatch Game version of Celia Cruz. Absolutely no shade, because that’s a look I can always get behind.
Here’s more of RiRi working that Sesame Streetwalker realness (“Sesame Streetwalkers was brought to you today by the letters S, T, and D, and the number 2 – as in always count your money twice“) after the show.
Two months after RiRi tossed that Kumbaya ass campfire song onto the Internet, she has Instagrammed a cover of her new single along with the note, “rihannaNOW.com #R8 #BBHMM #March26.” You might think the left side reads “The fuck are those Millhouse Van Houten brows?” in Braille, but Vulture says it reads “Bitch Better Have My Money” in Braille. That’s apparently the title of her single. Bitch better have good lawyers, because yes, AMG came up with that phrase, but I’m sure Pimp Mama Kris shamelessly trademarked since she says it every time she talks about one of her kids or grandkids. It’s true. Every time one of PMK’s friends asks her how so and so is, she says, “She’s good, but bitch betta have my money.” Every time.
AND THOSE BROWS!
They look like what FKA Twigs’ brows would look like if they ate Cara Delawhatever’s brows. Those brows are going to leave Sharpie stains on your screen. Those brows are Helga G. Pataki’s brows on Internet-bought Viagra. If in the 90s, Bert was forced to bust out of Sesame Street because he owed some dealers money and had to hide out on Staten Island where he disguised himself as a drag queen cholita biker hooker, this is what his mug shot would look like after he got arrested for solicitation.
So in other words, this is the look!
When the reanimated zombie corpse of leggings, aka “stretch pants” (as was their alias back in the day) dug themselves out of the fashion graveyard several years ago, I thought nothing of it, because leggings are comfortable as hell and serve a very important purpose: acting as pants when you do not want to wear pants. Then when crop tops did the same thing, I started to get a little worried, because who the hell wanted crop tops back besides the Kardashian family? Now it appears Rihanna has summoned the fugliest of the undead to walk among us once again: STIRRUP PANTS.
Dior’s newest whore made an appearance on GMA this morning to promote the animated movie Home, and she showed up working some Cookie Lyon-meets-Mary Kay Lady couture. Everything about her look was great until my eyes hit those nasty-ass while elastic straps humping her heels. NO, RIRI, NO!
I have a real problem with stirrup pants for two reasons. One, they always make you look like you can’t handle real pants; they’re the mittens-on-a-string of the pant world. Two, I have always been a tall person, so stirrup pants never worked on my legs. The stirrup part would always pull the crotch part down too low, and when I went to yank them up, the stirrup would snap off my foot and dangle around my ankle like a piece of loose skin. It was all kinds of busted.
However, I will forgive RiRi for wearing stirrup pants if she claims they’re a part of her rich alien culture. I don’t know how fashion works on the sexy planet she comes from.
Naomi the Terrible is truly back (maybe)! She’s slapping down cameras in Cuba and possibly going after lessers in Paris. During yesterday’s Apple nerd jack-off session, Tim Cook shouldn’t have announced their $10,000 asshole badge called the gold Apple Watch. He should’ve announced that Apple is shutting down and closing their doors, because now that Naomi the Terrible has possibly returned, it’s time for her weapon of choice BlackBerry to rise to the top once again!
Page Six says that RiRi is the Helen of Troy of our time, because she’s got bitches fighting over her ass. A witness says that on Sunday night at a party for Dasha Zhukova’s Garage Magazine at club Castel in Paris, a chalk outline of Cara Delevingne’s brows almost ended up on the floor when she and Naomi Campbell got into it. One witness says that Naomi celebrated International Women’s Day by going after St. Vincent’s scissor sister for talking shit about RiRi.
Leonardo DiCatchAHo doesn’t really release statements about his personal life, because if he shat up a response every time the tabloids said he was rubbing his sex parts on a new trick, he’d have to hire a 10-person PR team since he’s always rubbing his sex parts on a new trick. But after TMZ posted pictures of RiRi and Leo standing next to each other at her birthday party and said that they were close all night, his rep told The Los Angeles Times in a statement that he is one hundred percent single and has been single for months.
A rep for DiCaprio told the Los Angeles Times that the actor “is single and has been for some time,” adding that he’s “been focused shooting” Oscar-winning director Alejandro G. Inarritu’s adventure drama “The Revenant” in Canada “for months.”
As Lainey points out, Leonardo kept his lips shut when it was rumored that he did sex with Miranda Kerr while she was still married to Orlando Bloom. So Lainey thinks he might not want people to think that he’s dating RiRi full-time and might be embarrassed. Um, the only thing Leonardo should be embarrassed about is that wombat’s ass on his face. It was reported that RiRi and Leonardo are keeping it casual (aka are just fuck buddies who toke and bone), so maybe he is technically single. Or maybe TMZ is right and RiRi is a stage 10 clinger and this statement is Leo’s way of letting her know that he’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo and his dick is tied isn’t tied down to any one cooch.
Whatever the case may be, every Victoria’s Secret executive just pulled themselves off of the puddle of tears they made and smiled for the first time in weeks, because there’s a chance that Leo will start humping a VS Angel once again.
Finally, There’s Photographic Proof That Leonardo DiCatchAHo And RiRi Have Stood Next To Each Other At A Party
After weeks and weeks of rumors that RiRi’s coochie is eating up Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s dick fromage, TMZ says that they have picture proof that she’s boning his Orson Welles-looking ass.
So far, we’ve just had story after story of how RiRi’s punane is touching the peen that has touched a thousand model vaginas. They have never been photographed together and some were starting to think that the whole relationship was some kind of fanfiction that the tabloids shat up. But TMZ says that RiRi and Leonardo have been fuck buddies for about 3 months and that they’re keeping it casual. At RiRi’s birthday party, which Leo threw, the two of them got into some public displays of ”getting cozy” and that she’s the one who seems more hard up. A source (Hi, Lukas Haas!) tells TMZ that there were dozens of hos at RiRi’s party, but the only ho she wanted to spend time with was Leo.
We’re told Leo is affectionate enough — they engaged in plenty of PDA — but he could barely get a moment to himself. As one source put it, “she’s the baddest bitch in the party, but she’s following him everywhere.”
Getting a case of stage 10 dickmatization over Leonardo circa 2003, okay, but current day Leonardo?! I mean, her chocha probably coughs up beard fleas after he eats her out and she’s still swooning over him? File that under: You know you’re dickmatized in a serious, serious way when…
And here’s TMZ’s proof that these two are rubbing genitals:
Leonardo DiCaprio & Rihanna — First Photo!! Banging, But It's a Little One-Sided http://t.co/lv0FWYeU8S
— TMZ (@TMZ) March 2, 2015
They’re standing next to each other while she lights what is probably a blunt so that obviously means they’re fucking. But are we even sure that’s Leo? I mean, it could be Jonah Hill or maybe that hobo who is always outside of my Fresh and Easy and tells me I’m going to hell every time I don’t give him money. I know, he needs to tell me something I don’t know. With that said, RihNardo are the couple that random burped up and I am here for that.
About five minutes ago, Leonardo DiCaprio was supposedly holding a birthday candle between his hairy ass cheeks for his piece-of-the-moment RiRi to blow out. Well, if you believe Life & Style (which you TOTALLY should), he has pressed pause on doing RiRi to hit on the human form of a Katie Holmes yawn.
A source (Hi, Dakota Johnson’s publicist) tells Life & Style that at the after-party for Saturday Night Live’s 40th anniversary at The Plaza Hotel, Leonardo pretty much ignored RiRi and went after Dakota Johnson. I guess he just really had a craving for room-temperature tap water served in a soggy Dixie cup. The source went on to say that the Ghost of Jack Nicholson’s past wrapped his arm around Dakota and as she breathed in the aroma of rotten milk wafting off of his beard, he took her celebrity watching. The source dribbled out this stream of fanfiction that was probably written by E.J. James during her off time.
“He put his arm around Dakota and led her into the grand ballroom. He told her, ‘Let’s go look at all the celebrities.’ Dakota looked like she was trying to play it cool, but you could tell she was thrilled to have his attention. Out of everyone he socialized with, Leo seemed to be the happiest when he was with Dakota. As they walked away, Leo took the lead and guided her through the crowd, and a small smile spread across her face.”
But what happened next?! I need to know what happens next in Fifty Shades of Dick Cheese! The best line is “Let’s go look at all the celebrities.” I bet Leo grabbed her hand and led her to the petting area where they played with Andy Samberg’s ears and gently stroked Zach Galifianakis’ beard. After that, they bought some popcorn, sat on a bench and fed celebrities. It was fun and games until Miley Cyrus got overly excited and twerked on Dakota’s face. Who the hell says, “Let’s go look at all the celebrities“? I don’t think Leonardo DiCaprio would use that as a pick-up line. All he has to say is, “Hello, I am Leonardo DiCaprio, let’s make sex.”
If this is true, then it really is a sad day for the Victoria’s Secret Angels. First we learn that they’re flying away from Victoria’s cheap ass, because they’re not getting paid as many millions as they used to. And now we learn that the biggest Angels collector has probably moved on to pop stars and bland actresses. How the mighty Angels have fallen!
Here’s some thrilling pictures of Dakota getting coffee and walking through JFK yesterday.