Three minutes of music video footage, and that was the safest-for-work screengrab available. Rihanna truly outdid herself this time! Earlier today, RiRi released the music video for her latest single, “Needed Me“, and in case it wasn’t clear enough from the title up top, it’s basically Spring Breakers. But, you know, for people who saw Spring Breakers and left the theater thinking: “You know, this is good, but what would make it really great would be way more strippers, titties, asses, guns, motorcycles, money, nipple piercings, people that look like they have all the hepatitises, and 100% less James Franco.”
The video, which was directed by Spring Breakers and Gummo director Harmony Korine, opens with a weed-smoking RiRi wearing a vintage dressing gown and wandering around a fancy condo in slow-motion like a Lana Del Rey robot with a low-battery. Then she rides a motorcycle in slow-motion. Eventually she strolls into a strip club in slow-motion and shoots a dude while he’s getting a slow-motion lap dance. I guess Drake and the horny phantom from the “Kiss It Better” video were busy, because they don’t make an appearance. Thankfully, Rihanna’s nipples were kind enough to take some time out of their busy schedules and step in. I know it’s probably beyond redundant to say this, but the following video is NSFW.
If anyone is looking for Taylor Swift, she just crawled into a pile of dusty rose throw pillows, curled in the fetal position with her hands over her eyes, and started whispering “I want to forget…I want to forget….“
Seen above looking like she’s about to tag into an exhibition match during an indie wrestling show held in a bar basement in Bay City, Michigan, RiRi pulled a Kesha last night by making a surprise appearance in the middle of a DJ’s set at the annual Excuse To Roll Your Brains Out While Wearing Crystals From Michael’s On Your Face event.
Press Play On An iPod Ken (aka Calvin Harris) was one of the headliners at Coachella last night and during his set, RiRi popped up to sing along with a track of their song We Found Love. Calvin’s partner in Instagram cheesiness Taylor Swift was at Cokehella (copyright: the Dlisted reader who called it that last year) most of the weekend, but People says she pressed pause on the coochie cutters foolery on Saturday afternoon to take her private jet to San Antonio, Texas for her back-up singer’s wedding. Taylor flew back to California from Texas on the same day to catch Aileen Wuornos look-alike Axl Rose perform on a throne of guitar necks with Guns N’ Roses. And last night, Tay Tay and her squad were in the audience for her Easy Bake Oven sous-chef’s set.
Yes, that’s Chris Brown’s version of sad. I can practically hear the director shouting at their assistant: “Is there any way we can make him look sadder? I don’t know what it is, but he’s still reading on camera as ‘dirtbag that steals lizards from pet stores and resells them on Craigslist’. Maybe draw some tears on that cartoon fox?”
Because hissing at people on Instagram only gives us but a glimpse into the mind of famous fuck-up and sometime performer Chris Brown, he has decided to tell his truth in a documentary called Welcome to My Life. That’s right, Chris Brown wants you to know the real Chris Brown. So forget all the stuff you’ve heard about Chris Brown allegedly making death threats, allegedly fighting a woman in Las Vegas, etc… etc… Because we’re about to hear Chris Brown’s side of the story.
The trailer for Welcome to My Lies is less than 3 minutes, but it gets into some pretty heavy material, like Chris Brown’s violent situation with Rihanna in 2009. According to the editing of the WTML trailer, the media’s response to him beating on RiRi made Chris Brown feel like “a fucking monster.” It also apparently made him start thinking about suicide.
Chris Brown also admits that after it all went down, he wasn’t sleeping, was barely eating, and was getting high all the time. Poor Chris Brown, numbling his feelings with weed. Kind of ironic, considering that RiRi was probably also killing the pain with drugs too. Except hers were prescribed by a doctor.
But don’t think that being an abusive shitcramp will be the end of Chris Brown’s career. Chris Brown closes with this thought:
“If there was ever a doubt in your mind that Chris Brown was done, that he was finished. I wouldn’t bet on it.”
Oh, don’t worry, Chris Brown. If your recent behavior on Twitter with has taught us anything, it’s that there’s no doubt you’re not done being Chris Brown.
Just like the killer that comes back for one more scare at the end of every horror movie, and then in countless, mind numbing sequels, Rihanna and Leonardo DiCaprio were spotted getting close again. The powers that be have decided that this is the great romance question of our time and the true quest of human kind is to speculate and maybe or maybe not find out whether these two horny sluts are gonna finally just turn around and say “WE’VE FUCKED!”
Anywhere there are tall, thin girls in questionable attire, you’re bound to find Leonardo. He can smell generic B-Grade model types from miles and miles away. “Come on Snatch Snatcher… Let’s go Snatching!” That’s what he says to himself when he sets out for the day. So, naturally, he’s at Coochella. He and Rihanna were spotted getting up close and whoresonal again at the Neon Carnival last night. Leo was seen whispering into her ear and she just smiled and stared straight ahead. A source told People that before he covered Rihanna’s face with greasy whispers, Leo gave an encore performance of the hot dance moves his body delivered at Coachella last year.
Leo slipped into the party incognito and was dancing and singing to ‘No Scrubs.’ He knew every word! A couple tables over Rihanna was dancing with a couple girlfriends. Leo saw her and made his way over to say Hi.
Personally, I don’t think they’re hoing with each other, I think they trade conquest stories. They both seem like nasty sex types and I get the feeling they love to swap tales of poon and peen, in very vivid detail. And of course they must get an extra kick out of telling these horror stories out in public. I pray no one around them heard anything about where Leo’s grimy beard has been.
More importantly, Rihanna was also spotted canoodling with a true mega star. A shining example of elegance and lady like decorum – Courtney Love! I’m always thankful for a Courtney sighting because that way I know she’s ok and I can stop worrying. Riri and Courtney were at the Guns N’ Roses show and if we can call what she and Leo do hooking up, then she and Court were lezzing out while rocking out.
Pics: Getty, Mohammed Al Turki’s Instagram
Rihanna released the video for “Kiss It Better” earlier today. “Kiss It Better” sounds sort of like the Marshmallow Mateys version of a Prince song, so naturally I immediately pictured the video for it would feature RiRi in full-Purple Rain The Kid drag, grinding on a motorcycle while a stripper dressed as Apollonia purifies herself in the waters of Lake Pussytonka. Instead, what we got was 4 minutes and 8 seconds of a horned-up (and sometimes topless) Rihanna getting what appears to be fucked by a ghost. She also lets the ghost shoot dice on her crotch. It’s 10000x better than what I had originally hoped for. The video is NSFW, thanks to a special appearance by RiRi’s pierced nipples in a see-through cami and some black-and-white sideboob.
I don’t know for sure if Rihanna is having sex with a ghost. I’m really just basing that off the part at the 1:10 mark where it looks like some invisible dick is causing her to levitate. And the part at 2:47 mark where it looks like a ghost is going down on her. The only way I could be sure that RiRi is having sex with a ghost is if she released an extended video for “Kiss It Better” that shows her requesting an Uber and telling no one in particular to hurry up because it will be downstairs in 10 minutes.
Either way, I’m sure whatever is happening has caused a jealous Drake to start looking up hot ghosts on Facebook and trying to figure out which one stole his position as Rihanna’s favorite video co-star.
Here’s Rihanna walking around New York City yesterday looking like a high-class escort from The Matrix.
Every once in a loooong while, I’ll get a weird e-mail from someone asking me if I’m gay. Since I talk about dick any chance I get, the fact that I’m gayer than a WWE match would hit you after you read just one sentence I wrote. I don’t know if they’re trolling me or if they took out the working batteries from their gaydar and put ’em in their chirping smoke detector. But that “Auntie Mame” reference should clear it up for everybody.
Tom + Lorenzo tells me that this neck-to-toe foolery that RiRi worked on Monday night in NYC was made by Gucci, so it probably cost about as much as your kidney if you dipped your kidney in solid liquid gold and rolled it in canary diamonds. I bet that the Gucci executives cackle into the air whenever one of their customers spends thousands of dollars on some shit that looks like a sloppy three-way between a Boca Raton grandaddy’s St. Patrick’s Day tracksuit, Chinese pajamas from Pearl River’s going-out-of-business sale and your auntie’s flea-ridden, musty old fur coat.
That craziness pretty much screams LOOK AT ME and I’m looking at it, so it worked. And never mind that it’s doing weird things to RiR’s chocha area, I will say that those “pimp going to his own baptism” boots were a nice touch.
Rihanna Wants You To Know That Beyonce Wasn’t Trying To Steal Her “Anti” Thunder With The Release Of “Formation”
At the end of January, Rihanna’s long-awaited 8th studio album, Anti, finally made its way onto the internet. Because Beyonce is a truly generous soul, she waited a whole week before grabbing her hook and yanking the spotlight back onto herself by dropping the video for “Formation.” Sadly, she didn’t wait as long before announcing her Formation tour, which just so happens to be happening at the exact same time as Rihanna’s Anti tour. Beyonce’s generous, but she’s not running a charity here, people.
Rihanna didn’t have to say how she felt about the situation with Beyonce (her subtle Twitter shading did that for her). But she decided to talk about it during a recent interview with Vogue. Despite the fact that the entire world let out a collective Church Lady-style “How conveeeenient” after Beyonce released the video for “Formation“, RiRi says it’s not like that.
It’s a shame that Robert Stack is no longer with us, because we still have so many unsolved mysteries. Like why Justin Bieber refuses to shave that patchy mess of rodent hair off his face. Or where the Kardashians were able to find a clock that lacks a 15th minute.
But one mystery we don’t need help solving is the mystery of why Rihanna cancelled her performance of “Kiss It Better” at the Grammys last week. Page Six has stamped a CASE CLOSED on that file. According to sources, RiRi called it quits on her performance because she was afraid it was going to be an embarrassing shit show.
“She felt like her performance couldn’t compare [to some of the other artists’], and she was trying to avoid the embarrassment because she knew it wasn’t the right comeback performance. She said, ‘I’m not doing this.'”
As reported earlier, the plan was that night time talk show hamster James Corden would introduce RiRi and she’d come out and start gyrating against his microphone. That sounds bad, but it got worse. A source claims Rihanna rehearsed some of “Kiss It Better” live, but there were a lot of recorded vocals being used. The source adds that her performance left a lot of people “underwhelmed” and wondering why she’d perform a ballad instead of something fun, like “Work.”
RiRi finally realized her performance was a cheesy mess after she started comparing it to other rehearsal performances, like Kendrick Lamar’s. That’s when she decided to blame bronchitis and split.
So there you have it – mystery solved! Speaking of mysteries…is it just me, or did that source seem to have an awful lot to say about how boring and tired RiRi’s performance was? Wait a minute..boring…tired (rips mask off source). Azealia Banks, it was you all along! I knew it!
As if I really needed to even give you a hint. Of COURSE she hates them! There’s a long-ass list of things that set Azealia Banks off every time she thinks about them: security guards, flight attendants, Iggy Azalea, America (nothing in particular, just America in general). And now it looks like it’s time to get out our pens and add another couple items to that list.
Watching Rihanna grease up Wheelchair Jimmy’s emergency brake with her booty sweat and twirl around with her nipples out (aka the seven-and-a-half minutes worth of music video for “Work”) didn’t do much for most of us than make us wonder where RiRi got that hot see-through glitter tank top. But not Azealia; she got fired up and took it to Twitter. Azealia opened by tweeting (and later deleting) that “Work” was a $2 yard sale version of Beyonce’s “Baby Boy.” Azealia was then probably worried about receiving an angry cease-and-desist from Tidal, so she decided to keep it a bit more vague with her follow-up hate:
Music is honestly so fucking trash and boring. Let's start a fucking beef and make shit interesting
— AZEALIABANKS (@AZEALIABANKS) February 22, 2016
all these fucking pill popping divas doing the LEAST and the shit is boring. Get these hoes a coffee and a pair of boxing gloves
— AZEALIABANKS (@AZEALIABANKS) February 22, 2016
Bring out the real artists !!!!!
— AZEALIABANKS (@AZEALIABANKS) February 22, 2016
If you’re going to drag a bunch of pill-popping divas, at least have the shady bitch decency to name names, Azealia! Ugh, so inconsiderate. If Azealia ever decides to get out of the lucrative high-stakes world of…whatever she’s currently doing to pay the bills, I think a logical move would be to get into music reviews. I’d love to hear her review anything, really. “Minions cereal is fucking trash. It tastes like rotten bananas that were pulled from Oscar the Grouch’s crusty asshole.” Here’s two of the music industry’s mediocre finest (according to Azealia) leaving a club in London early this morning followed by the Kardashian with the most legitimate reason for filing income taxes, Kendall Jenner.
Yes, two. Just like the number of nipples I had to cover up with Drake’s giddy face in the picture above.
For those of you who usually need something a little stronger than coffee-flavored booze to get through a Monday, Rihanna has been kind enough to gift us with two videos for “Work“, the first single off Anti. I have no idea why RiRi decided to make two music videos for “Work“. Maybe RiRi got so high on space weed she forgot that she had already filmed a video for “Work“. Or maybe this is one of the “production delays” that caused RiRi’s tour from starting on time. Sorry everyone, but RiRi is too busy grinding her ass against Drake’s dick area to go on tour right now.
Regardless of the why, here’s the what. The first video features Princess Ooh Na Na and Wheelchair Jimmy making you wish it was still Saturday by horny dancing at a Caribbean restaurant. Well, “horny” might not be the right word for both of them. Obviously RiRi is horny as hell, but Drake looks like he’s about three seconds away from whispering “Can we cuddle for a bit first?”
Then at the 3:45 mark, we have the second video for “Work“, which features RiRi in a see-through shirt popping her perpetual-motion pussy for Drake in what appears to be an unused room from the “Say My Name” set. Just a heads-up – it’s little NSFW, thanks to an appearance by RiRi’s partially-covered nipples in the second half.
I like that Drake was able to reuse some of his middle-aged dad dance moves from the “Hotline Bling” video. What I didn’t like is that he supplemented the rest of the second video with some lazy middle-aged dad sitting on the couch watching golf moves.
In other Rihanna news, UsWeekly says that RiRi was well enough to celebrated her birthday at a club this weekend. That’s right, RiRi has recovered from the bronchitis that made her cancel her Grammy performance. It’s a miracle!