“Just text an offer to every actress, singer, comedian, rapper, etc. out there and the first 8 to hit us back with a thumbs-up emoji, gets a role” is probably what the producers and director of Ocean’s 8 said while casting. Because they put together a motley crew of HUH? that includes Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, RiRi, TEEFS, Helena Bonham Carter, Mindy Kaling and a rapper/actress who goes by Awkwafina (born name: Nora Lum). Yes, Awkwafina is a name that somebody chose to go by. Phoebe Price isn’t in it, but I slipped her portrait in, because I felt like that line-up needed some real A-list star power, charisma and ginger glamour. Like the producers can afford her day rate!
Drake’s OVO Fest happened in Toronto on Sunday and Monday and joining the Sensitive Prince of The 6 on stage both nights was Rihanna, which is a really nice thing for a secret girlfriend/not girlfriend/whatever she is at the moment to do. The last time we checked in on RiRi, she had pulled out of a Lollapalooza performance in Colombia because of Zika. She also wore some stomach-hiding couture and so lots of people wondered if that meant she was knocked up. Maybe Drake didn’t know about the pregnancy rumors, or maybe he was just trying to keep them warm, because he made a joke about making a baby with her to the audience at OVO.
And I don’t mean “came” like that. Or maybe I do. I don’t know what kind of weird kink you’re into.
“This Is What You Came For” peaked at #4 on the Billboard Hot 100 in the US and reached the top 10 in many, many other countries. It’s become one of Calvin Harris’ biggest hits, if not his biggest. That song has approximately 3 lyrics total (including all those OooooOooooohs) and those lyrics were written by evil cornhusk doll Taylor Swift. TMZ first burped up the news this morning, and Taylor’s rep later told People that it’s 100% true. TMZ’s source (hi, Olivia Benson!) said that the song is ultimately what broke up the giraffe love between Taylor and Calvin. And Calvin had a lot to say about that and even dragged Taylor’s forever nemesis Katy Perry into it. I love it when us losers and loners get to gather around the green circle table in the corner of the junior high school cafeteria and watch as the popular kids publicly tear each other apart. It’s better than square pizza Fridays.
Detective LaToya doesn’t have shit on me! I came out of my mom wearing an afterbirth-splattered deerstalker cap and clutching a magnifying glass in my (still) pudgy little fist! Rihanna pulled out of a headlining gig with Lollapalooza Colombia because she doesn’t want to catch the no-joke Zika virus. Here’s two and then another two and I’m putting them together because she is obviously knocked up! Pregnant women who catch Zika can give birth to babies with serious birth defects. DO I NEED TO ADD ANOTHER TWO HERE?!?
It’s a sad day for the people of Colombia with Lollapalooza tickets. Rihanna’s pulling out caused them to cancel the entire festival. This is despite other scheduled performers like Lana Del Rey, Disclosure, and the Chainsmokers. Lana just aimed her beach house bazooka at Rihanna’s private jet for effing with her money. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL RIHANNA’S BABY, LANA?
Of course, this is all total supposition. Zika is terrifying – pregnant or not. And I should admit that I didn’t even think about Rihanna’s actions suggesting a baby until I fully read Michael K‘s assignment to write about this and got to “knocked up???” in the parentheses at the end. Before that I assumed Rihanna was just using it as an excuse not to have to fly her ass down to South America. Because Tape nightclub isn’t in South America and the girl has been practically living there lately.
Who am I kidding? I’m no detective. If this were the Scooby Gang, I’d be somewhere between Daphne and Scrappy. *frown*
E! is confirming that Rihanna and Drake are indeed and once again a thing. Here they are exiting London’s Tape nightclub at 5:30 AM. Brexit what? This is the REAL news from the UK!
God, 5:30 AM is so late/early. Hearing birds singing their irritating morning song as you leave the nightclub/party/dumpster you were drinking behind is the most depressing sound in the world. It’s like the soundtrack for a suicide attempt.
Wheelchair Jimmy has supposedly been obsessing on RiRi ever since they parted bongs. According to E!, an “insider” tells them that “he still loves her and never stopped.” This would be totally heart-warming if we weren’t talking about self-absorbed millionaires limo-ing around the world while you have have to deal with that annoying Mandy chick from Marketing who is so fucking loud on the phone. Shut up, Mandy.
And when commenting on this “Open Post,” please make sure and take a shot at guessing what the hell Rihanna is wearing. There’s some denim, and some fringe, and some prairie and that belt. She’s really challenging us here.
Salivate over more pics of Rihanna and Drake leaving Tape in London below.
Earlier today, Rihanna was seen leaving a photo shoot in New York wearing the ensemble above, and it’s pretty clear she’s not at risk of losing her title of Her Royal Highness of Not Giving A Fuck anytime soon. The photo agency where I got these pictures says that RiRi was leaving a 20-hour photo shoot, which would probably explain why she looks like she’s ready to crawl her ass into a giant bed with a Glo Worm stuffed with weed and set her phone to Do Not Fucking Disturb.
Really, that’s the only reason I can think of for why Rihanna would be in a bathrobe and a pair of shower sandals in public in broad daylight. The only other explanation I can come up with is that Rihanna is secretly a mother of three, and one of her kids forgot their lunch, so she’s driving it to school. Unfortunately for her kid, Mama RiRi doesn’t get dressed until she’s seen the second cooking segment of Racheal Ray, which means lunch is being delivered in a robe and slippers. I bet there’s a clump of balled-up tissues in that front pocket too.
But she’s wearing sunglasses, which means no one will notice that she’s in a bathrobe and slippies. I too have labored under the delusion that expensive sunglasses have the magical power to forgive your fashion transgressions. I don’t know why, but they just do. Sunglasses absorb shame.