RiRi’s first album in 3 years ANTI has been the Great Pumpkin to her fans’ Linus van Pelt. RiRi’s fans have been sitting in the patch with their thumbs in their mouth holes waiting forever for her new album to show up. It’s been a year since she put out that campfire sing-a-long shit FourFiveSeconds (featuring WILSON FUCKING PHILLIPS and some others) and everyone thought that was supposed to be the official single of her album. But when the song went nowhere, she was like, “Errr, PSYCH, that’s not the single,” and it took us fourfive seconds to forget about it. RiRi followed that up with Bitch Better Have My Money (complete with a video featuring a tied up Hannibal) and American Oxygen. RiRi kept releasing songs but the full album was nowhere to be seen.
Just when everyone was beginning to think that ANTI is the Chateau Sheree of albums and is never going to be finished, Billboard reported last night that it will come out this week. And early this morning, RiRi hoped that fourth time’s a charm when she released her album’s “first official single” Work. Work swept up on the shore through Tidal where it was exclusive for about 2 seconds before it ended up everywhere and was eventually released on iTunes.
On Work, RiRi speaks in Patois and Wheelchair Jimmy wheels in to sing on it. I’ve only listened to the song twice, but it’s so repetitive that “work work work work work” is already stuck inside of my brain and that’s a confusing message for my naturally lazy self since all I want to do is nap nap nap nap nap.
And that radio announcer should be jailed for using the words “pop emergency.” The only time those words should be used is when Stacey Q, Hoku, Cece Penniston, Martika and Samantha Fox form a pop supergroup.
Seen above looking like she’s pondering the meaning of life while taking a post-shower caca (and yes, if she recorded her post-shower caca noises, it’d go straight to #1 on all the charts), Adele did a cover interview with Rolling Stone where she talks about being a mom, squads, her love of RiRi and how she regrets working with Damon Albarn of Blur after he publicly called her ass “insecure” and said her new stuff is “middle of the road.” I’ve thrown up some choice quotes after the cut, but you can read the entire thing here. It’s pretty charming, so if you’re an Adeleloonie, you’ll want to marry it and then heartlessly break up with it the next day so you can squirt out tears while listening to that “Hello” song for the billionth time.
The whispers that one of Jay Z’s 99 problems was the struggle of trying to hide the fact that he was banging Rihanna from his wife has been around since the beginning of time (no, for real, I’m sure there are cave paintings showing a woman with a joint in her mouth receiving a text that says “U awake?“). There was even a theory that Jay Z’s relationship with RiRi was the reason for why Solange went loco on his ass in an elevator after the Met Gala. Basically, we all agreed that at one point in time, Jay Z’s dick probably smelled like space weed and zero fucks.
Well, according to Jay Z and RiRi’s former publicist, Jonathan Hay, you can go ahead and stop side-eyeing Rihanna for doing the electric adulterous camel slide with Jay Z, because that rumor is about as real as the birthdate on Beyonce’s driver’s license. Jonathan was forced to tell the truth after he was outed by J. Randy Taraborrelli, the author of Becoming Beyonce, an unauthorized biography about – DUH – Beyonce. J. Randy (hot name) claims that Jonathan wanted to drum up some publicity before the release of RiRi’s first single, “Pon de Replay“, back in 2005. And when in doubt, a rumor about fucking your married mentor usually works.
Jonathan says that he has since apologized to Beyonce, and that the whole thing is “very awkward.” No, Jonathan – awkward is telling your parents you’re considering entering the witness protection program after you received a mountain of death threats from the Beyhive for bey-smirching their queen’s good name.
You know, I want to believe Jonathan. I really do. But something about this stinks of weave glue and Photoshopped thighs. Does anyone have a video recording of Jonathan Hay coming clean? I wouldn’t be surprised if said video was filmed in a basement next to Solange’s cot, and features the shadowy figures of Bey’s henchmen (Kelly and Michelle) blocking the door while the voice of Blue Ivy instructs him to read the cue cards exactly as they’ve been written if he wants to see outside again.
Meanwhile, I’m sure if you asked Rihanna if anything nasty happened between her and Jay Z, she’d just shrug and be like “Who cares? NEXT.” Here’s RiRi looking like a bootleg Color Me Badd doll while performing last night in LA.
RiRi doesn’t really have anything to sell right now, besides her daily pap walks, Instagram posts and bottles of stank, but she’s on the cover of Vanity Fair and in the interview, she says words about everything from Chris Brown to casual boning to Rachel Dolezal. If your brain completely erased every memory of Rachel Dolezal, I’m jealous of you. But let me remind you who that mess is. Rachel Dolezal is Sideshow Bob’s transracial second cousin who pretended to be black and was the only thing the media talked about for a little while. You know, she was the Kim Davis of June 2015. We all forgot about Rachel Dolezal until RiRi said her name again. Damn you, RiRi, you woke the fame whore beast! But before we get to that…
And now in “Whose name is being angrily scrawled into Wheelchair Jimmy’s diary while he fights back tears” news, Rihanna might be rubbing her ooh-na-nas against rapper and record producer Travis Scott. So for those of you keeping a tally of who Rihanna has been maybe fucking in 2015, go ahead and add another zero, because I’m pretty sure we just hit the 1,000,000 mark. A single tear of pride just slid down RiRi’s rumored former fuck friend Leo DiCaprio’s face and splashed onto a model’s bony ass cheek.
According to TMZ, RiRi and Travis Scott, who co-wrote and produced “Bitch Better Have My Money“, have been hanging out in New York all week. Then on Thursday night, she and Travis was spotted canoodling (don’t worry, my brain and I plan on driving ourselves off a cliff, Thelma & Louise-style, for using that word) at a NYFW afterparty she was hosting. TMZ got a blurry Blair Witch-looking video of them acting like horny teenagers at a school dance, because why wouldn’t you want to see that?
I know nothing about RiRi’s new man, except for that his name sounds like every BMX competitor at the X Games, so I did a little research. According to Wikipedia, Travis Scott – who was born Jacques Webster, which is a hot name – has said that one of his influences is Björk. Welp, that’s all I need to know. Anyone who is down with the ageless Icelandic fever dream pixie gets an automatic thumbs up from me.
Here’s more of RiRi and Travis at her NYFW afterparty. Sidenote: I love RiRi’s lipstick. “I just blew Boo Berry” is always a makeup look that works.
On Sunday, a possible new couple alert was born after TMZ ran into an NBA player named Matt Barnes of the Memphis Grizzlies. TMZ asked Matt to confirm a rumor that he was currently humping on Rihanna, and according to Matt Barnes, Rihanna is his “friend right now“, but added that he’s waiting to “see where it goes.” He also kept it vague by saying that their relationship just passed the crush stage.
Unfortunately, not that long after Matt confessed his love for Rihanna, someone decided to roll up on Matt Barnes, throw the vehicle into reverse, and repeatedly back over his heart. And that person was Rihanna. Once Princess Ooh Na Na (who is also rumored to be doing Lewis Hamilton) found out that Matt Barnes was telling everyone they were dating, she hopped on Instagram to set the record straight.
You know Matt Barnes didn’t even look at those hashtags. All he saw was that Rihanna posted his picture on her Instagram, and now he’s twirling around the house singing “Rihannaaaaa…I was just Instagrammed by a girl named Rihannaaaa…” like Tony from West Side Story.
But honestly, even if Rihanna was letting him rub up on her blap blap blap, Matt Barnes should have known better. There is no crush stage when courting Rihanna. The stages are as follows:
1) You approach RiRi and ask if you can buy her her favorite drink (vodka and stripper booty sweat)
2) You stand perfectly still while RiRi lights a joint by striking a match off your dick
3) You wait patiently for RiRi’s security team to motion you over and inform you that you’ve been given clearance to spend the night aboard RiRi’s intergalactic fuck ship
And if you don’t flinch during the joint lighting, then she proposes marriage. Duh, Matt, everybody knows this. Here’s more of Rihanna at dinner last night. For why she’s dressed like a no-fucks-given camp counselor, I have no idea.
Before all the full-fledged foolery of the day dirties up our pristine and innocent brains, let’s fill it with some potent Dynasty eleganza brought to you by RiRi.
While dehydrated dandelion Taylor Swift once again painted herself up as the poor, wittle victim during Nicki Minaj’s Twitter monologue about the MTV VMAs (again, all that DRAMA over the VMAs) and racism in the music industry, RiRi took advantage of all the eyeballs going to Twitter to watch the “beef” that never fully cooked by tweeting an ad for her new perfume.
RiRi is releasing another perfume, called RiRi by Rihanna, that will collect dust on the shelves of a Ross near you. No, I’m sure RiRi by Rihanna will replace water as the most used liquid in the world. Everyone will buy RiRi’s new bottle of stank by the case thanks to that stunningly exquisite ad. That ad is the point of glamour where a Mario Casilli portrait and the ad for Joan Collins’ perfume meet. That ad looks like it was shot at a Glamour Shots in the Paramus Park Mall in the late 80s and was conceived by Swan Brooner.
I can smell the Vaseline on the camera lens from here and that is truly a glamorous scent. If RiRi by Rihanna doesn’t smell like Vaseline, cheap lip gloss, wet satin and AquaNet, RiRi should be sued for false representation! But that ad really is the dose of glamour I needed today.
And here’s RiRi at LAX serving up more glamour by giving us Sideshow Bob from the neck up, sloppy 90s frat boy from neck to ankle and Rhonda from Laverne & Shirley from the ankle down.
Oh, You Know, It’s Just A Blood-Covered RiRi Smoking It Up While Lounging On A Mound Of Money In A Trunk
It only took 45 hundred years, but late last night, RiRi finally released the video for her ear-murdering song “Bitch Better Have My Money” and the first thing you should know is that it’s seven fucking minutes fucking long. These pop tricks and their Imitation of Christ-sized music videos. Ain’t nobody got time for RiRi’s 7-minute-long video. Well, nobody but me, because I watched all of it last night. Twice. Okay, thrice.
RiRi “co-directed” this video (read: She directed herself to smoke a blunt while the other co-director did everything else) and she said the video’s entire concept came to her 8 months ago. In other words, this video is what RiRi’s brain gave birth to as she smoked some PCP laced weed while watching an episode of Dexter. Some people have been comparing this shit to “Bad Blood,” but that’s like comparing a pink crochet bunny in boxing mittens to a wolf with a chainsaw. It’s like “Bad Blood” if “Bad Blood” was conceived and directed by a first year film student who wants to be the next Tarantino or Eli Roth. Besides, instead of having 500 cameos from people you don’t care about, it has the only cameo any music video needs: HANNIBAL LECTER!
If you have 7 minutes of your day to waste and haven’t seen it already, here it is. The CliffsNotes version is: RiRi kidnaps a rich bitch, strips and tortures rich bitch with help from her homegirl henchwomen, forces rich bitch to smoke the good shit, smiles at a cop, chills in a paddling pool and eventually goes Patrick Bateman on rich bitch’s husband Hannibal (aka the bitch who owes her money).
My only question besides “What THEE fuck?” is: What happened to rich bitch’s Pom?!
I was hoping that at the very end, rich bitch’s Pom would’ve crashed through a window with a machete in its paws and took every one. The final shot should’ve been of rich bitch’s Pom smoking a Snausage while relaxing on that mound of money in a trunk.
And here’s RiRi, her pierced nipple and her brother leaving a restaurant in L.A. the other night.
And now we know what it looks like when Rihanna mimes a bored wave with a pile of cash in her hand.
RiRi showed up to the BET Awards last night, because a party truly isn’t a party until Princess Pass-The-Blunt arrives. And also because she’s got a new video to hustle. “Bitch Better Have My Money“, a song which I assume is about Rihanna shaking down Rita Ora for a portion of her unlicensed impersonator profits, has been assaulting our ears with yuh-yeahs and blap-blap-blaps since March. Three months later, it looks like we’re finally getting a video. RiRi showed a trailer for “Bitch Better Have My Money” (the whole video gets released on Thursday) last night during the BET Awards, and she did it in the most RiRi way possible: by whipping a stack of cash at BET President of Programming Stephen Hill’s face before she stepped on stage.
During a live interview with Brunch Night! with Jamie LeLo (via UsWeekly) on Saturday night, Saturday Night Live‘s Sasheer Zamata told a story about her first meeting with intergalactic singing marijuana princess Rihanna. Sasheer has been playing RiRi in a variety of sketches for a while now (like above, where she played RiRi in a Barbadian remake of Blossom called B’Lossom), but until a few weeks ago, she had never met the Ooh Na Na one. Well, it finally happened when RiRi performed as the musical guest during the season finale episode on May 16th, and according to Sasheer, it was all kinds of awkward and weird.
“We had had a good night after the dress rehearsal, and she turned around and saw me and she was like ‘Hey!’ and she gave me a hug. Then she got drunker progressively throughout the show, and at the end of good nights for the actual show, I went up to give her a hug because I was like ‘We’re good, we’re besties now.’ And I was like ‘Hey!’ and she was like [mimes bored wave]. So I was like ‘Ohhh, wow your true feelings are coming out!'”
[Mimes bored wave] might be the most effortless shade I’ve ever seen. I just pictured that rude bitch Rihanna popping her hand in a “scoot, trick” way, and I died. I died so hard, I came back to life as Rihanna’s bored wave. I love it so much, I might actually say “mimes bored wave” every time I’m over something and don’t have the energy to lift my hand and flick my wrist.
Sasheer shouldn’t take it personally, though. RiRi does drunk at a level far beyond the average human can comprehend, so who even knows if RiRi was directing her bored wave to Sasheer. She could have been summoning the invisible Great Gazoo-like friend that appears every time she gets ripped. Who knows? She’s a mystery.
Speaking of mystery, here’s RiRi strolling through the airport on her way to London earlier today. Why is RiRI wearing the same sweatshirt I wore every day in the 12th grade with the same number of redundant bobby pins I stuck in my hair? Who knows? She’s a mystery!