Today is day 12 of Prince Hot Ginge’s tour through the Caribbean and yet, there’s still not one picture of him wearing nothing but a sly smile a Speedo the size of a snap bracelet. If PHG’s government-paid Caribbean vacation, I mean “work trip,” doesn’t end with a giant photo-op of him wearing a gold flash thong while doing the stereotypical tourist tradition of getting his hair braided on the beach, we the outraged people (aka just me) will storm the gates of Buckingham Palace (aka send an ALL-CAPS rant letter to email@example.com).
Yesterday, PHG visited Barbados and met the island’s empress Rihanna. RiRi first met at a reception yesterday afternoon and in the nighttimes, they sat next to each other at the Golden Anniversary Spectacular Mega Concert, which celebrated the 50th anniversary of Barbados’ independence from the UK. PHG seemed to be filling to the top with excitement over sitting next to RiRi (who wore an Ikea duvet cover for the occasion). That derpy joy face that PHG is making over being so close to RiRi is the same face I make whenever I see brand new pictures of him. And if he’s really like me, then he’s got his hands on his lap, because he’s trying to cover the sticky puddle of glee that his overexcited peen shot out.
Sorry Toronto’s CN Tower, but it looks like you won’t be lighting up in pink and red to announce the marriage of your Prince to his Princess any time soon.
Back in May, there were rumors that Drake and Rihanna had been humping each other for several months. They sort-of confirmed that rumor a bunch of times throughout the summer. They went to clubs together. Drake made a joke about knocking Rihanna up. Drake went full Jared commercial while presenting her with the Video Vanguard Award at MTV VMAs. They even brought ten tons of So In Love couple realness on stage during tour stops. Sadly, Drake never got the chance to gross out his family members by romantically feeding forkfuls of gravy-soaked turkey to Rihanna at Canadian Thanksgiving Dinner over the weekend.
Because it’s Labor Day, we’re taking the day off and I plan to spend my afternoon filling my eating and drinking hole with the sweet nectar and hot weenies (not the kind that I wish, sadly) while enlightening my mind by going back and forth between the Tiny House Nation marathon and the “At 17” marathon on Lifetime. So for now, I leave you with these pictures of RiRi making PETA reach for a bucket of red paint and a sack of flour by wearing some gigantic fur coat in NYC last night.
That shit looks like a giant heart-shaped plush toy that took Drake only 500 tries and hundreds of dollars to win for his soulmate at some carnival game. That furry foolery on RiRi’s body was made by Saint Laurent and costs around the same price as a fully loaded Nissan Versa ($15,500 with FREE SHIPPING!). I couldn’t find out the numbers of Elmos that were viciously murdered for a coat that RiRi’s going to probably wear just once.
It goes without saying but Gossamer definitely wears himself better. I mean, RiRi could have at least wore some high-heeled Chucks.
Before Sunday night, the most awkward rejection the world had ever seen on television was when Lisa Simpson rejected Ralph Wiggum during Krusty the Clown’s 29th Anniversary Special. Then the MTV VMAs happened, and Ralph breathed a sigh of relief, for his rejection was no longer the most awkward thing people had seen.
While presenting Rihanna with the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award, Drake leaned in for a kiss on the mouth and was met by RiRi’s neck. But it didn’t seem to make things that awkward between them. Rihanna and Drake were seen after the show partying together and going out for dinner the following night. And last night, Rihanna finally made the Sensitive Prince of The 6’s dreams come.
Drake looks cool on the outside, but you know on the inside he’s thinking, “She just touched my hand! I’m never going to wash it ever again.”
About three-quarters into the MTV VMAs last night, I started to get worried that Rihanna was never going to get that Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award they promised her. It felt like she just kept slinking on stage for more and more performances. Rihanna performed four medleys, which you can watch here. MTV let RiRi do whatever she wanted on stage, and she did. Sadly, she was denied a fifth performance that included RiRi smoking a giant joint while spraying her background dancers down with a fireman’s hose filled with champagne. But that’s probably because MTV needed to keep it moving and give her that moon man. Eventually she got her award, which of course was presented her by the President of the Rihanna Fan Club, Drake.
“Just text an offer to every actress, singer, comedian, rapper, etc. out there and the first 8 to hit us back with a thumbs-up emoji, gets a role” is probably what the producers and director of Ocean’s 8 said while casting. Because they put together a motley crew of HUH? that includes Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, RiRi, TEEFS, Helena Bonham Carter, Mindy Kaling and a rapper/actress who goes by Awkwafina (born name: Nora Lum). Yes, Awkwafina is a name that somebody chose to go by. Phoebe Price isn’t in it, but I slipped her portrait in, because I felt like that line-up needed some real A-list star power, charisma and ginger glamour. Like the producers can afford her day rate!