Two months after RiRi tossed that Kumbaya ass campfire song onto the Internet, she has Instagrammed a cover of her new single along with the note, “rihannaNOW.com #R8 #BBHMM #March26.” You might think the left side reads “The fuck are those Millhouse Van Houten brows?” in Braille, but Vulture says it reads “Bitch Better Have My Money” in Braille. That’s apparently the title of her single. Bitch better have good lawyers, because yes, AMG came up with that phrase, but I’m sure Pimp Mama Kris shamelessly trademarked since she says it every time she talks about one of her kids or grandkids. It’s true. Every time one of PMK’s friends asks her how so and so is, she says, “She’s good, but bitch betta have my money.” Every time.
AND THOSE BROWS!
They look like what FKA Twigs’ brows would look like if they ate Cara Delawhatever’s brows. Those brows are going to leave Sharpie stains on your screen. Those brows are Helga G. Pataki’s brows on Internet-bought Viagra. If in the 90s, Bert was forced to bust out of Sesame Street because he owed some dealers money and had to hide out on Staten Island where he disguised himself as a drag queen cholita biker hooker, this is what his mug shot would look like after he got arrested for solicitation.
So in other words, this is the look!
When the reanimated zombie corpse of leggings, aka “stretch pants” (as was their alias back in the day) dug themselves out of the fashion graveyard several years ago, I thought nothing of it, because leggings are comfortable as hell and serve a very important purpose: acting as pants when you do not want to wear pants. Then when crop tops did the same thing, I started to get a little worried, because who the hell wanted crop tops back besides the Kardashian family? Now it appears Rihanna has summoned the fugliest of the undead to walk among us once again: STIRRUP PANTS.
Dior’s newest whore made an appearance on GMA this morning to promote the animated movie Home, and she showed up working some Cookie Lyon-meets-Mary Kay Lady couture. Everything about her look was great until my eyes hit those nasty-ass while elastic straps humping her heels. NO, RIRI, NO!
I have a real problem with stirrup pants for two reasons. One, they always make you look like you can’t handle real pants; they’re the mittens-on-a-string of the pant world. Two, I have always been a tall person, so stirrup pants never worked on my legs. The stirrup part would always pull the crotch part down too low, and when I went to yank them up, the stirrup would snap off my foot and dangle around my ankle like a piece of loose skin. It was all kinds of busted.
However, I will forgive RiRi for wearing stirrup pants if she claims they’re a part of her rich alien culture. I don’t know how fashion works on the sexy planet she comes from.
Naomi the Terrible is truly back (maybe)! She’s slapping down cameras in Cuba and possibly going after lessers in Paris. During yesterday’s Apple nerd jack-off session, Tim Cook shouldn’t have announced their $10,000 asshole badge called the gold Apple Watch. He should’ve announced that Apple is shutting down and closing their doors, because now that Naomi the Terrible has possibly returned, it’s time for her weapon of choice BlackBerry to rise to the top once again!
Page Six says that RiRi is the Helen of Troy of our time, because she’s got bitches fighting over her ass. A witness says that on Sunday night at a party for Dasha Zhukova’s Garage Magazine at club Castel in Paris, a chalk outline of Cara Delevingne’s brows almost ended up on the floor when she and Naomi Campbell got into it. One witness says that Naomi celebrated International Women’s Day by going after St. Vincent’s scissor sister for talking shit about RiRi.
Leonardo DiCatchAHo doesn’t really release statements about his personal life, because if he shat up a response every time the tabloids said he was rubbing his sex parts on a new trick, he’d have to hire a 10-person PR team since he’s always rubbing his sex parts on a new trick. But after TMZ posted pictures of RiRi and Leo standing next to each other at her birthday party and said that they were close all night, his rep told The Los Angeles Times in a statement that he is one hundred percent single and has been single for months.
A rep for DiCaprio told the Los Angeles Times that the actor “is single and has been for some time,” adding that he’s “been focused shooting” Oscar-winning director Alejandro G. Inarritu’s adventure drama “The Revenant” in Canada “for months.”
As Lainey points out, Leonardo kept his lips shut when it was rumored that he did sex with Miranda Kerr while she was still married to Orlando Bloom. So Lainey thinks he might not want people to think that he’s dating RiRi full-time and might be embarrassed. Um, the only thing Leonardo should be embarrassed about is that wombat’s ass on his face. It was reported that RiRi and Leonardo are keeping it casual (aka are just fuck buddies who toke and bone), so maybe he is technically single. Or maybe TMZ is right and RiRi is a stage 10 clinger and this statement is Leo’s way of letting her know that he’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo and his dick is tied isn’t tied down to any one cooch.
Whatever the case may be, every Victoria’s Secret executive just pulled themselves off of the puddle of tears they made and smiled for the first time in weeks, because there’s a chance that Leo will start humping a VS Angel once again.
Finally, There’s Photographic Proof That Leonardo DiCatchAHo And RiRi Have Stood Next To Each Other At A Party
After weeks and weeks of rumors that RiRi’s coochie is eating up Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s dick fromage, TMZ says that they have picture proof that she’s boning his Orson Welles-looking ass.
So far, we’ve just had story after story of how RiRi’s punane is touching the peen that has touched a thousand model vaginas. They have never been photographed together and some were starting to think that the whole relationship was some kind of fanfiction that the tabloids shat up. But TMZ says that RiRi and Leonardo have been fuck buddies for about 3 months and that they’re keeping it casual. At RiRi’s birthday party, which Leo threw, the two of them got into some public displays of ”getting cozy” and that she’s the one who seems more hard up. A source (Hi, Lukas Haas!) tells TMZ that there were dozens of hos at RiRi’s party, but the only ho she wanted to spend time with was Leo.
We’re told Leo is affectionate enough — they engaged in plenty of PDA — but he could barely get a moment to himself. As one source put it, “she’s the baddest bitch in the party, but she’s following him everywhere.”
Getting a case of stage 10 dickmatization over Leonardo circa 2003, okay, but current day Leonardo?! I mean, her chocha probably coughs up beard fleas after he eats her out and she’s still swooning over him? File that under: You know you’re dickmatized in a serious, serious way when…
And here’s TMZ’s proof that these two are rubbing genitals:
Leonardo DiCaprio & Rihanna — First Photo!! Banging, But It's a Little One-Sided http://t.co/lv0FWYeU8S
— TMZ (@TMZ) March 2, 2015
They’re standing next to each other while she lights what is probably a blunt so that obviously means they’re fucking. But are we even sure that’s Leo? I mean, it could be Jonah Hill or maybe that hobo who is always outside of my Fresh and Easy and tells me I’m going to hell every time I don’t give him money. I know, he needs to tell me something I don’t know. With that said, RihNardo are the couple that random burped up and I am here for that.
About five minutes ago, Leonardo DiCaprio was supposedly holding a birthday candle between his hairy ass cheeks for his piece-of-the-moment RiRi to blow out. Well, if you believe Life & Style (which you TOTALLY should), he has pressed pause on doing RiRi to hit on the human form of a Katie Holmes yawn.
A source (Hi, Dakota Johnson’s publicist) tells Life & Style that at the after-party for Saturday Night Live’s 40th anniversary at The Plaza Hotel, Leonardo pretty much ignored RiRi and went after Dakota Johnson. I guess he just really had a craving for room-temperature tap water served in a soggy Dixie cup. The source went on to say that the Ghost of Jack Nicholson’s past wrapped his arm around Dakota and as she breathed in the aroma of rotten milk wafting off of his beard, he took her celebrity watching. The source dribbled out this stream of fanfiction that was probably written by E.J. James during her off time.
“He put his arm around Dakota and led her into the grand ballroom. He told her, ‘Let’s go look at all the celebrities.’ Dakota looked like she was trying to play it cool, but you could tell she was thrilled to have his attention. Out of everyone he socialized with, Leo seemed to be the happiest when he was with Dakota. As they walked away, Leo took the lead and guided her through the crowd, and a small smile spread across her face.”
But what happened next?! I need to know what happens next in Fifty Shades of Dick Cheese! The best line is “Let’s go look at all the celebrities.” I bet Leo grabbed her hand and led her to the petting area where they played with Andy Samberg’s ears and gently stroked Zach Galifianakis’ beard. After that, they bought some popcorn, sat on a bench and fed celebrities. It was fun and games until Miley Cyrus got overly excited and twerked on Dakota’s face. Who the hell says, “Let’s go look at all the celebrities“? I don’t think Leonardo DiCaprio would use that as a pick-up line. All he has to say is, “Hello, I am Leonardo DiCaprio, let’s make sex.”
If this is true, then it really is a sad day for the Victoria’s Secret Angels. First we learn that they’re flying away from Victoria’s cheap ass, because they’re not getting paid as many millions as they used to. And now we learn that the biggest Angels collector has probably moved on to pop stars and bland actresses. How the mighty Angels have fallen!
Here’s some thrilling pictures of Dakota getting coffee and walking through JFK yesterday.
Well, that explains it; I always thought something in the slutty milk ain’t clean regarding the rumoured romance between perpetually horny extraterrestrial Rihanna and itchy-looking model-humping human Leonardo DiCaprio. For one thing, I thought it was weird that a creature from such a distinguished line of alien royalty as Princess Ooh-Na-Na would keep repeatedly hooking up with a dude who looks like a 66-year-old hippie’s overgrown nutsack. Also, it was my understanding that Jack Nicholson Jr.’s dick only got hard for sexy blonde panty-wearing praying mantis types.
As it turns out, my slutty suspicions might have been right, because the NY Daily News says that the reason RiRi and Leo have been spotted together so much lately is because Leo is trying to hook her up with one of his best friends, Richie Akiva. A “nightlife insider” (aka what Lindsay Lohan puts down under OCCUPATION when she does her taxes) says that Leo has been acting as Richie’s wingman and explained RiRi’s relationship with Richie as follows:
“If they’re not dating, they’re hanging out, you know?” a prominent nightlife insider tells us with a wink.
“With a wink” – it appears my sassy Great Aunt Gladys has been moonlighting as a ‘prominent nightlife insider’. After she winked, did she then add: “I ain’t tellin’ tales out of school, but those two have been makin’ whoopee all over town!” But I am curious as to what Leo’s wingman game is. Probably some sort of ‘come for the dirtbag, stay for the dude who has a fresh tube of medicated cream’ thing.
And here’s RiRi going to the dentist yesterday dressed like some sort of sexy cold-weather lumberjack Frankenstein, if that’s something you need in your life:
I bet that’s the face she makes when she leans in close and smells his stank-ass beard.
It looks like the modern retelling of The Owl and the Pussycat (current working title: The Alien Princess and the Bedbug) that is the casual humping love affair between Rihanna and Leonardo DiCaprio might be back on again. The last time we checked in with Princess Ooh-Na-Na of the planet Nasty-6 and Jack Nicholson Jr., they were at a pre-Grammy party passing their bits to other people. It was truly a sad day for slut shippers like myself (I just wanna see two horny whores get together. Is that too much to ask?).
Then last night, a slutty Valentine’s Day Eve miracle happened. After RiRi attended a party celebrating the opening of Fendi’s flagship store in New York, she was spotted making a stop at Leo’s house around 1am. Then the Daily Mail says the two of them went to a club and partied till about 4am. They both left in separate cars, but something tells me both of those cars ended up at the boat slip where First Mate Lukas Haas keeps the S.S. Snatch Catcher docked.
So what does it all mean? Are RiRi and Leo a couple of star-crossed fuck lovers? Soul mates? Hole mates? Casual junk bumpers? Or are they just friends who like to hook up and get ripped at parties? If only their crotches could talk. Actually, if their crotches could talk, I’m sure they’d ask for a hot Epsom salts soak and a day off.
Here’s RiRi arriving at Leo’s, then Leo and RiRi leaving the club. I love that Leo is trying to go incognito by covering his beard with his hand as if that dirtbag pony tail of his isn’t a dead giveaway:
And after you look at the pictures of Kanye’s collection, you’l feel exactly the same.
Soulless fame whore mannequin Kim Kartrashian learned today that sometimes your living and breathing fashion accessory is tired of being your living and breathing fashion accessory and fights back. At the New York Fashion Week show for Kanye West’s collection for Adidas tonight, Kummy Kakes once again dragged North West out for photo-ops and that child was not having it. She did not want to be there. Beyonce, Jay-Z and Anna Wintour were totally over it and I’m surprised Anna didn’t shush that child up by sucking her soul.
Can you even blame North West? The clothes are awful, the music is probably loud and she’s sitting next to the Queen of the Death Eaters who can eat her youth at any moment. North West just wants to be at home with her mommy aka the nanny.
With that being said, North West is my new favorite fashion critic.
And here’s a million pictures of Kummy, Anna (who was not amused by these ugly clothes), North West, RiRi, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Diddy (whose head looks like a clit between two furry coochie lips) and the collection which looks like “homeless ballerina as seen through the eyes of Mugatu.”
Pics: Reuters, Getty, Wenn.com
Just when you think the romantic interspecies love story between the alien ambassador of intergalactic space fucking Rihanna and perpetually horny human beard hair Leonardo DiCaprio could only get more romantic, he goes and proves that wild sluts are loyal to NO ONE, not even other wild sluts. Radar says that on Saturday night, Princess Ooh-Na-Na of the planet Nasty-6 and Leo DiCaprio both attended the same pre-Grammy party at 1Oak. But instead of rubbing their mouths on each other (as is custom between those two), Leo was caught rubbing his dirty cracker crumb-covered hobo beard all over the face of some random blonde model type. That far-away sound you just heard was the people of Nasty-6 weeping in sadness for their Princess.
An insider (a tiny coke-snorting mouse named Kai who lives in the walls of 1Oak) claims that while RiRi was hanging out with the owner at his table downstairs, Jack Nicholson Jr. was at a table a few feet away by the DJ booth making out with that yachtwrecking skank (Leo’s home is a boat, right?). The ‘insider’ doesn’t say whether or not RiRi was bothered by her former fuck partner mouth humping on a new lady, but I’m guessing either she didn’t care or she’s already forgotten she ever had a thing with him. “Leo who? Oh, you mean the boat dude who kept crying in his sleep about a dude named Oscar.”
Or maybe they’re still a down-low thing, but he was just making out with that random model because he had to. I would assume that after years of near-constant exposure to bony butt panty peddlers, his boner has become dependent on their energy and he needs to suck face with them to survive. It’s all science, really.