I have a family thing I need to do today – No, my “family thing” isn’t go to Sunday mass at a Catholic church and then feed the homeless a lentil casserole I made myself and sing religious hymns to orphans while my relatives do an interpretive dance. I know that’s how you think I spend my Sundays. Anyway, I’ll be away from my laptop for most of the day and yes, I’m already getting the shakes and my body is starting to twitch from thinking about being apart from my life machine for so long. Every time I have to part with my laptop for more than 2 hours, I act out that scene in The Color Purple where Mister rips Nettie apart from Celie.
J. Harvey is going to cover the fuckery for me today. I’ll throw up an Open Post later today and if anything major happens at the SAG Awards (example: Jennifer Aniston goes Carrie on those bitches because she didn’t get nominated for an Oscar), I’ll post that too.
But for now, I leave you with the song that RiRi says is a “taste” of what her new album is going to sound like. RiRi’s new song called “FourFiveSeconds” is bad news for tramps and hussies who thought she was going to gift them with a bop they can do the slut drop to in the middle of the club, because this mess is the direct opposite of that. RiRi and Kanye West sing while Paul McCartney plays the guitar. I know, those words strung together make no sense. This song sounds like an acoustic cover of a boy band song sang by a bunch children in a Disney movie. I picture RiRi, Kanye and Paul sitting around a campfire, smelling like patchouli and cooking beans while yodeling out this song. Not to mention that on the cover photo, RiRi looks like a teenage runaway from the early 90s and Paul McCartney looks like a brown-headed Martina Navratilova.
If you haven’t already listened to it and want to know what it sounds like when RiRi, Kanye and Paul McCartney get together to do their best Tracy Chapman impersonation, here you go:
I’m trying to figure out what that screaming is behind Kanye’s singing? Is it a goat getting choked out or a bunch of kids screaming at Kanye to please, please stop?
And the runner-up for Most Badass goes to TLC enthusiast Katy Perry, who is hiding behind that mess of face-obscuring purple hair. Sorry Katy, but a middle finger is still more badass than Manic Panic middle school mosh pit emo hair.
Both Katy Perry and No.1 badass Miley Cyrus were at something called the Daily Front Row Fashion Los Angeles Awards last night to celebrate their designer friend and guy who sort of looks like a human eraser-topped pencil Jeremy Scott, who was being honored with an award. And of course, those two made sure to serve up tons of high school dropout-turned-full time mallrat fuckery, because FASHION. They were also joined by Rihanna and Kanye West, who looked just so thrilled to be there. For real! Look at that smile!
I bet that’s the same face Kanye makes when he gets a text from Kim that says “Sorry kurrent husbin, kant kum 2 Paris this weeknd. Maybe u kan do sumething with Riccardo instead?” Speaking of smiling, the photographer who caught Kanye grinning must have taken this picture from behind a potted plant or a group of models signing up for Leonardo DiCaprio’s next boat cruise, because according to Kanye, Kanye never smiles in photographs. During a speech at the Daily Front Row Fashion Thingy, Kanye told the audience:
“Back when I was working on Yeezus, I saw this book from the 1800s and it was velvet-covered with brass and everything. I looked at all these people’s photos and they look so real and their outfits were incredible and they weren’t smiling and people, you know the paparazzi, always come up to me, ‘Why you not smiling?’ and I think, not smiling makes me smile. When you see paintings in an old castle, people are not smiling cause it just wouldn’t look as cool.”
They didn’t smile because it wouldn’t look as cool? Kanye, you dummy, people in old-ass castle paintings aren’t smiling because toilets weren’t invented yet and everything smelled like doo doo and people were dying from the super plague and nobody took showers. Hell, if that was my life, I wouldn’t be smiling either.
Here’s more from last night including Kanye NOT SMILING and Miley smiling all the goofy hillbilly smiles:
When it was revealed last week that humanized horny moan Rihanna had been caught mouth-humping on itchy-looking man slut Leonardo DiCaprio at the Playboy Mansion, most of us were shocked at two things: one, that the millions of random skanky bacterias haunting their mouths didn’t form one giant virus, and two, that Leo was kissing a woman who was born in the 80s. But according to UsWeekly (via Hollywood Life), we shouldn’t have been shocked at all, because these two have been boning for several years now.
A source claims that Jack Nicholson Jr. and Princess Ooh-Na-Na have been hooking up for years, and possible while they were seeing other people. “That’s why I kept finding denim stripper thongs in Leo’s beard” thought several hundred nameless panty models. “That’s why I kept finding dead bed bugs in her booty” gagged Drake. The source goes on to say that RiRi and Stinky the Boxcar Bum reconnected after he gave his bottom bony bitch, Toni Garrn, walking papers:
“After his breakup, Leo started texting Rihanna again. They decided to have some fun. Neither one is looking to make this anything more than fun. He’s into her, and they’re enjoying it.”
Allow me to translate: he’s getting his bindle stick wet with her intergalactic cooch juices, and nobody’s sleeping over. Get it, you perpetually-horny sluts.
And I like to imagine that every text Leo sends RiRi begins with the words “Hey girl, u awake? U want me to send Lukas Haas over in the dinghy to get u?“
That weird wooshing sound you just heard was every human on Earth GASPING in shock after hearing that Leonardo DiCaprio mouth humped on a person who wasn’t a 20-year-old bony panty model type. I bet even as it was happening, Rihanna was like “Welp, this is clearly the first sign of the apocalypse; time to say goodbye to my loved ones.”
According to UsWeekly, Jack Nicholson Jr. and Princess Ooh-Na-Na hooked up, mouth-wise, at a party at the Playboy Mansion on Saturday night while RiRi’s song “Pour It Up” was playing. Fitting, considering that rubbing against Leo’s musty bed bug beard mouth would make anyone want to pour an entire bottle of Listerine into theirs. However, one of Leo’s friends tells TMZ that it never happened. Sure, Lukas Haas, whatever you need to do to calm down all the heartbroken thong models aboard the S. S. Snatch Catcher.
And to double up on the randomness of this whole situation, MediaTakeOut says that Rihanna is knocked up with Leo’s dirtbag sperm. Well, we all know that’s a lie, since it’s common knowledge that Leo’s wiener can’t get hard unless the pussy it’s about to enter smells like Victoria’s Secret vanilla body splash and a 3-catalogue contract.
But maybe they weren’t kissing. I mean, RiRi isn’t exactly Leo’s type; yes, RiRi has been on the cover of VOGUE and she likes to take pictures in her underwear, but Leo is more of a random boat hos kind of guy now. Also, RiRi is 26, which as we all know is waaaaaay too fucking old for Leo. Maybe RiRi was just checking Leo’s beard for stray cigarettes or an extra pair of panties or something. Or maybe she confused his face for a giant dried bud and she was trying to smoke him (that’s got to be it).
Or so Rihanna says. Princess Ooh-Na-Na posted several pictures of what she claims is her Christmas Tree to Instagram, and by all accounts it appears to be a Christmas Tree. There are presents. There are stockings (poor Debbie and her tiny-ass stocking. Robyn, you rude). It’s sparkly. But other than that, I’m not sure it’s actually a Christmas Tree. It looks more like a futuristic butt plug made by H. R. Giger for a giant alien robot, or a self-reflection seclusion tower from the Scientology Celebrity Center, or what a colorblind person sees when they look at Sandra Lee’s shitty Heirloom Noel Cake. Regardless, it’s glittery and huge and I’m sure the ghost of Goth Liberace is gagging over it.
As much as her Christmas Tree looks like The Iron Giant’s dick, RiRi has the right idea. RiRi doesn’t have to worry about any of her drunk friends pulling a Kiefer Sutherland and falling into her tree. She doesn’t have to worry about stepping barefoot in a pile of sap-covered needles or worse, on a glass ornament. Plus, when January rolls around, she doesn’t even have to take it down; she can just flip it on it’s side and say it’s a piece of modern art.
Then again, maybe this thing isn’t even for Christmas; maybe it’s the weed-fueled spaceship RiRi rode to earth in. Yeah, that’s got to be it. Here’s more of RiRi the Red-Eyed Reindeer and her spaceship before she started grinding against it while pretending to suck off a candy cane (you KNOW she did).
Kendall Jenner usually has a dead look in her eyes that tells us that her soul was sucked out of her being, put in an envelope and sent to Lucifer in Hell as part of the pact her family has with him. But at last night’s British Fashion Awards in London, Kendull’s usually dead eyes lit up when she saw the Gymboree Mick Jagger, Harry Styles, at the top of the stairs. While looking like a hobo Beetlejuice, Harry got locked in an intense conversation with Cara DellaReese (Their “intense conversation” went like this: He asked her, “You got any of the bad shit?” To which she said, “I ain’t got the bloat for nothing, bitch!“) as Kendull threw him a parched look that said, “Please pay attention to me, please pay attention to me, please take a picture with me or my Satanic pimp of a mother will punish me for not meeting this month’s fame whore quota!” Harry treated Kendull the same way Kim Kartrashian treats North West when a camera isn’t around. He ignored her. Kendull is me at every party.
You probably can’t even see that picture, because it’s hard to see anything when your eyelashes are on fire. Blame the scorching flames shooting off of the dude in the background’s piping hot eyebrow situation:
That butch George Michael is obviously Cara DeliVeal’s personal brow tamer. But then again that “What have I done to deserve this kind of punishment?” look he’s making tells me that he could also be Kendull’s bodyguard.
Anyway, according to E!, Harry didn’t ignore Kendall the entire night. Even though the children on Twitter want Emma Watson and Harry Styles to be a thing, he flirted with Kendall, so says E!’s source (Hi, PMK!).
Meanwhile, the source adds that Styles caught up with his former flings, and “flirted with Kendall a bunch.” He also got up on the dance floor as well and “was the ladies man all night.”
Oh, PMK, I mean, “source,” stop being bi-phobic. Harry himself has said that he’s not only a ladies man. He’s a ladies man, a gentleman’s man, a whatever man.
And here’s more pictures of Harry Styles looking like a group of strung out guinea pigs got the meth sweats in a bad way before dying on top of his head. I also threw in pictures of others last night including RiRi, Emma Watson, Lana Del Rey, Courtney Love, Posh Beckham and Naomi Campbell. Yes, Lana, Courtney and Cara were at the same event in London last night. If you’re in London and bought coke sometime between late last night and today, you got ripped off. You bought crushed Rolaids. All of the coke in London was snorted up last night.
If Micaela Schaefer is the German Queen of Slutoween, then Rihanna is the Alien Princess. Only RiRi could take a perfectly normal Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume and turn it into a slutty Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume. Take that weapon, for example. To everyone else, it’s just a sai. But to RiRi, it’s a skinny stainless steel dick that is begging to be put in her mouth. Or maybe she’s doing a great job of staying in character; like the song says, Raphael is cool, but he’s also a little rude. And nothing says rude like pretending to give a sai a blowjob!
Rihanna and three of her friends decided to spend last night terrorizing the streets of NYC dressed as a drunk party girl’s version of the Ninja Turtles, and they all look like they’re having so much goddamn fun. It makes me wish Michael Bay could go back in time and re-cast that terrible Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie with RiRi and her friends instead of those awful CGI melted candle nightmares, and re-write the story so that instead of being crime-fighting teenage mutants, the turtles are raunchy intergalactic weed-smoking good-time bad gals. Let’s be honest, that’s the better movie.
Here’s more of Princess Ooh-Na-Na and her friends tearing it up last night:
Isn’t the answer always “THE GREY FLOOR“?
Every amFAR event’s theme is supposed to be “Down With AIDS!“, but last night’s theme was obviously, “What’s AIDS? Look At My Tits!” Miley Cyrus and RiRi obviously heard that memo loud and clear.
I guess Tom Ford has been trolling the “ratchet prom dress” tag on Tumblr, because that’s the only explanation for the clusterfuck of demure sophistication that RiRi had on her body last night. RiRi showed up to the amfAR LA Inspiration Gala Honoring Tom Ford in L.A. last night wearing some messiness Tom Ford designed and the only thing missing is Diana Ross’ hand under her right tit. That dress looks duct tape, an old bed sheet, two Christmas bows and a sheer nursing bra having an awkward orgy and none of them are even close to cumming. An ear-killing, nasally “SHIT!” was heard all through Calabasas today, because Kim Kartrashian will have to find another ensemble to wear to North West’s khristening ceremony.
RiRi’s look is like this season of American Horror Story. It doesn’t make sense and nothing flows together, but yet I can’t stop looking at it. RiRi looks like a rejected Twi’lek dancer who had to make ends meet by selling ass to aliens on the 16th planet of Tau Ceti, but I’m still into it as fugly and busted as it is. Blame it on her nipples looking like they’re barfing up heavy loads of extra chunky sparkles. That’s what unicorn herpes looks like and it’s stunning.
Aspiring fragrance mogul Rihanna has released her fourth fragrance, a scent for guys called Rogue Man, which judging by the name and this ad, makes me think it’s a perfume for guys who want to smell good after they bust out of prison, Shawshank-style. RiRi teased the release of Rogue Man last week by Tweeting some ~artsy~ black and white pics of her rubbing up against some random tattooed dude like a horny alien princess in heat, and she finally launched it on Saturday at a Macy’s in Atlanta, GA. But it’s not just a fragrance! RiRi told E! that she’s hoping Rogue Man will give people a major case of the hornies:
“I’m all about the ladies so this is one time I get to do something special for my men, but the ladies still get to enjoy it,” she explained. “All my male friends have it. I tested on them first. I also sent it home with my girls to test it out on their boyfriends.”
Speaking of boyfriends, Rihanna wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if the scent could act as an “aphrodisiac” for happy couples.
“That’s what I love about fragrances,” she shared with E! News. “It draws people in and also creates memories and makes things stick and certain emotions are evoked through it at certain moments and you remember it.”
Watch out, powdered rhino horns and dehydrated tiger penises and other weird aphrodisiacs; RiRi is coming for the boner-making market! And you should probably watch your back too, Viagra; I heard Rogue Man will give you the kind of 4-hour erection that you won’t want to call your doctor about!
The only thing I don’t understand is why she gave it such a boring name. Rogue Man sounds kind of like Rain Man, and that doesn’t make me horn-horn at all! She should have given it a way raunchier name. The obvious choice would have been to call it Rude Boy, but I would have also accepted something next-level vulgar, like Fuck Spray or Get Cha Dick Wet or just a picture of two people fucking. It’s not too late, RiRi!
Here’s Princess Ooh-Na-Na having a goddamn great time at the unveiling
Rogue Man Fuck Spray at Macy’s on Saturday:
So the sequel to The Fappening happened yesterday (The Fappening 2: Electric Lube-aloo), and included on the list of celebrities who’s titty pics were leaked was Isis from Bring It On, aka Gabrielle Union. And just like you can sort of tell in this picture above, Gabrielle wasn’t here for that shit. Instead of pulling a Shaggy like Ariana Grande and Victoria Justice did and claiming “IT WASN’T ME” in the stolen nipple pics, TMZ says that Gabrielle has told her legal team to call up the FBI. Gabrielle also decided to publicly address the situation by releasing a joint statement with her husband Dwayne Wade, in which they slap at the pic-hacking asshole responsible and offer support to everyone else who found pics of their parts online yesterday:
“It has come to our attention that our private moments, that were shared and deleted solely between my husband and myself, have been leaked by some vultures. I can’t help but to be reminded that since the dawn of time women and children, specifically women of color, have been victimized, and the power over their own bodies taken from them. These atrocities against women and children continue worldwide. For anyone out there also being affected by these and other hacking and hate crimes – We send our love, support and prayers. We have done nothing wrong.”
Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian is putting together a gift basket filled with Hooker’s Choice Diskount Spray Tanner and Executive TRAMP-brand too-tight stripper skirts as a way to say thanks for cutting out the middle man (Pimp Mama Kris) and saving her some time.
It sounds like already there are already people who need Gabrielle and Dwayne’s love and support; TMZ says that early this morning, hacked pictures of Rihanna made their way onto the internet. How DARE that hacker! THE AUDACITY! There are plenty of pictures of Princess Ooh-Na-Na’s nipples on the internet; they didn’t have to start stealing from her personal stash! That’s dark-sided! Rihanna is kind enough to share pictures of her intergalactic fuck parts, but you have to ask first! “Please Princess RiRi, may I see your beautiful Barbadian booby balls?” Only RiRi should get to decide who sees her outer space nipple pellets!