Make your amends, settle your debts and kiss your grandma goodbye, for the end is fucking nigh.
People is reporting that Oxford Dictionaries has declared “selfie” as it’s Word of the Year for 2013. As attention whores everywhere celebrated by taking at least a dozen in their bathroom mirror, everybody who actually has a friend to take their damn picture for them looked for a window to Morgan Freeman themselves out of.
“Selfie” beat out “twerking” for the title, proving that the paradigm shift to everybody being a special snowflake and deserving a trophy for participating has come around full circle and kicked us all in the ass. Previous Words of the Year include “bailout”, “default” and “occupy”, all relating to major political or economic issues. You know your short list is complete shit when everybody loses no matter which options wins. (Side note: Kanye has already drafted an all-caps letter to Oxford demanding to have his creativity recognized and nominating “architected” for next year’s honors.)
Here’s a gallery of celebrity pics if you want to take a moment and say, “fuck you very much” to the best of the worst- Kim K., Rihanna, Miley, and HRH Prince Douchecanoe of Selfie (aka Justin Bieber). The ONLY person who should get a pass on the selfie is this lady. Her game is so on point I can’t even hate.
(Photos: Twitter and Instagram)
I guess the costume theme for The Difficult Brown’s past and present pieces was chola, because his current piece Karmakarmakamelonorhwatever Tran went as one (her chola name is La Dumbass) and so did RiRi (her chola name is La Tenhead).
RiRi spit up a huge load on Instagram of picture after picture of her and her friends as chola zombies on Halloween. When my eyeballs first scooted across these pictures, I thought RiRi was done up as a zombie Aaliyah and I didn’t know if this was going to make Drake come at her or try to hump her. RiRi snatched Detox’s black and white idea and mixed it with some Mi Vida Loca shit to give us a zombie chola straight out of My Crazy After Life (Mi Vida Después Loco). Three things: 1) I cannot label those brows as “exquisite cholita eyebrows,” because it looks like she made them with a regular, old, basic brow pencil and not a fresh Sharpie. ILLEGAL and that automatically makes this costume void and invalid. 2) Where is a hickey the size of Enrique Iglesias’ old mole on her cheek? A chola’s beauty mark is a cheek hickey. 3. THAT HAIRLINE. Those baby hairs look like dry and burnt scallop potatoes. Sad Girl and Mousie would never.
Not a day goes by when RiRi isn’t flashing her Barbadian nipple plates and nalgas out in public, so history was made on Saturday when she actually covered her ass up and the mess still found a way to get into trouble. RiRi’s Cubic Zirconias World Tour stopped in Abu Dhabi over the weekend and on Saturday she decided to put on a hijab and bust out an Instagram photo shoot at the Sheikh Zayed Grand Mosque. We as a people should gather together as one and be thankful that RiRi covered up her fugilicious tattoos for once, but not everyone is happy about this shit. After striking ridiculous pose after ridiculous pose on the grounds of the Grand Mosque, RiRi was kicked out by officials who were offended by her little photo shoot. They issued this statement to AP:
Here, the Centre refers to a recent incident, involving a singer who came for a private visit to the mosque, at a gate that is not reserved for visitors, without prior coordination with the Centre’s management and without identifying herself. [She] left without entering the mosque, after being asked to do so, due to the fact that she had taken some pictures that do not conform with the conditions and regulations put in place by the Centre’s management to regulate visits in a way that takes the status and sanctity of the mosque into consideration.
For RiRi, these pictures are every layer of tame and not offensive at all. Maybe they showed her ass the exit because with RiRi you never know when she might start humping walls or sucking off shrubs and they didn’t want to take any chances. If I had to be offended by something, I’d be offended by myself for thinking RiRi’s giving us some Little Edie chic. How dare I compare Little Edie to RiRi. That’s real blasphemy.
And if RiRi was trying to be sexy at a sacred place, she needed to try harder, because the Grindr Gays did it better.
There’s a sewer opening next to the McDonald’s (fitting, I know) sort of near the house where I grew up and when I was a kid, we were told to never ever go into it. My friend’s dad tried to scare us by saying that bad things happened in there and the It Clown probably lived there. But now I know why they didn’t want us to go down there. Because deep down in the sewer is RiRi humping the water while a gutter ass Carol Channing wig sits on top of her head.
Above is the video for RiRi’s 60-year-old song “Pour It Up” and it’s nothing but RiRi being the exquisitely demure blossom she is by letting a ghost piledrive her on her throne (at the 1:44 mark). Somewhere, Miley just stuck out her tongue, pulled out a Sharpie and wrote on it: Note to self – must do yourself up like a Betty Boop clown stripper for at least one video.
And for those of you are who saying that RiRi is thirstier than ever, here’s proof in GIF form that you’re right:
Bitch doesn’t even stop twerking when she leans over to get a nice drink from the water.
(GIF via Tumblr)
Because RiRi is always trying to make the top of her head look like a cemetery for roadkill, she got a glorious rattail mullet installed and showed it off on Instagram the other day. RiRi is doing it all wrong. You don’t debut your new rattail at McDonald’s. You debut it at a tailgate party before a Monster Truck rally in Daytona Beach, FL.
Rattails remind me of these little ass brat ass brothers at my elementary school who killed frogs with sticks at the creek in the public park, always stole generic brand soda from the second refrigerator in their neighbor’s garage and would make fun of kids while sitting in the back of a pick-up parked on the driveway of their house. No, I didn’t grow up in Florida, but Florida is everywhere. Never trust a ho with a rattail.
I swear, RiRi always has to look like a bootleg Harmony Korine character. Here’s another one of RiRi working that rattail on Instagram and doing stuff in NYC the other day.
RiRi should really have a moment with herself and ask the question, “Do I really want bitches to play the ‘RiRi or Miley?’ game in their heads whenever they look at a picture of me?” Because it’s getting harder and harder to tell if Miley is copying RiRi or if RiRi is copying Miley. That alone should send RiRi running into the arms of Jenny Jones to beg for a makeover.
While the Beyhive was stinging themselves into a psychotic frenzy after seeing pictures on Instagram of their weave-less queen, RiRi slipped in pictures of her AK-47 grill last night. It won’t be long before Miley Instagrams a picture of her new sawed-off shotgun grill. Never mind that RiRi’s teefs are paying homage to Fifty Shades of Grey (they kind of look like tiny tombstones), that grill is rihdiculous. It looks like Ted Nugent shoved a gold dye pill in his dick slit before cumming all over her teeth. Just…no.
Looking like the least popular member of GLOW’s rival league SLOW (Skanky Ladies Of Wrestling), RiRi went shopping in London yesterday in a red leopard unitard. RiRi recently had an icy dark grey weave installed into her alien head and I have to say that it was a good move. Whenever she’s snorting the bad shit and some of the Lohan powder gets in her weave, nobody will really notice. The bad shit will blend right in.
And this is so close to being the look, but bitch ruined it by hiding her stash of weed in her crotch. She looks like she’s got a pair of Cisco Adler nuts. A unitard should not make you look like you’ve got the Lisa Rinna of coochie lips. A Camel Toe Cup would’ve added the elegant touch this look really needed.
RiRi’s fans are growing more and more bold as each show goes by. A few weeks ago, one fan found out that when you grab and pull RiRi, you’re going to get the level 1 Chris Brown treatment by getting bopped in the head with a mic. And at her show in Manchester this week, one fan wasn’t happy that she showed up late and let her know by throwing chips at her. At least that’s what HuffPo says.
Because RiRi is RiRi, she completely ignored the start time of her show and dragged her ass on stage when she felt like it. Apparently, one fan didn’t like waiting for her and let her know by throwing chips at the stage. Lucky for them, RiRi didn’t hit them in the dome with her mic, but she did tell them to stop it:
“There’s a good crazy and there’s a bad crazy. When you throw shit up here, that’s an epic fail. I want to get your gifts but I don’t want you to knock my people out. I swear to God, cut that shit out. Really? Chips? Chips though? That’s that important?”
Way to waste some perfectly good chips, RiRi fan. What did they expect? It would’ve been more shocking if ho showed up on time. RiRi is that cousin who shows up to the party 6 hours late and then bitches about the fact that there’s only dark meat chicken thighs and coleslaw left. Bitch is in her own time zone, always.
I’m a little surprised that RiRi’s stoner ass didn’t eat those chips up before asking for more. “Oh nom nom, throw me Lay’s.”
And here’s looking like a slutty tennis net while leaving her hotel in London today.
On the left is RiRi at the Chanel couture show in Paris today. On the right is a front yard Scrooge statue holding a lantern. Had RiRi accessorized her old man nightgown with a nightcap and a lantern, and had a look on her face like she was searching the darkness for spirits, she would’ve won this. But she didn’t, so game point goes to the Scrooge statute!
Since we’re on the subject of old man nightgowns… (Note: I might’ve told this story before. Stoned messes tend to repeat themselves a lot.) When I was in the third or fourth grade, my school friends and I went door-to-door selling Helen Grace eggs during Easter times. One of my friends’ mom came with us and stood at the sidewalk while went up to the door. We went to this one house where an 80-something couple lived. The pepaw came to the door wearing a button down nightgown like RiRi’s, except his was short and burgundy. Ole’ dude should’ve kept a pair of chonies by the front door so he wouldn’t give his visitors a peek of his soft-boiled huevos when he answered the door. His wrinkled nuts were hanging out of his shorty robe. I don’t think he knew, but it was still highly inappropriate and ILLEGAL! We turned around and ran to my friend’s mom as though the face of Freddy Krueger was on that old dude’s nuts.
So when I see RiRi in a nightgown all I see are wrinkly white man nuts. Thank you for traumatizing me again, RiRi.
Sometimes you can own too many clothes and accessories. Because if you own too many clothes and accessories, you sometimes feel the need to wear them all at once. Case in point: RiRi left her hotel in
Amsterdam London ast night looking like the last call table at a garage sale.
There’s something suspect about RiRi’s entire ensemble. Imagine you were on the street and saw some crazy wearing that mess. You’d squint your eyes and know that there was a story behind it. A shady story! It looks like RiRi’s on the run from the cops and was hiding out in some stranger’s attic. The stranger found her and called the cops. Just as the cops were coming up the stairs, she grabbed grandpa’s fishing hat, stole all of grandma’s old costume jooree, snatched a cameo broach (the family heirloom!), put on an old raincoat and got out of there. That whole look is like an impromptu disguise. That whole look screams HIJINKS! The bag of cotton candy makes the whole look even more mischievous and not in a good way. That outfit makes me want to go to the post office to see if her face is on wanted posters.
There is a good reason for why RiRi looks like she’s on the run from the law. Bitch was stoned out of her gourd when she got dressed. Oh, RiRi, making stoners look bad since 2012.