If Micaela Schaefer is the German Queen of Slutoween, then Rihanna is the Alien Princess. Only RiRi could take a perfectly normal Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume and turn it into a slutty Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume. Take that weapon, for example. To everyone else, it’s just a sai. But to RiRi, it’s a skinny stainless steel dick that is begging to be put in her mouth. Or maybe she’s doing a great job of staying in character; like the song says, Raphael is cool, but he’s also a little rude. And nothing says rude like pretending to give a sai a blowjob!
Rihanna and three of her friends decided to spend last night terrorizing the streets of NYC dressed as a drunk party girl’s version of the Ninja Turtles, and they all look like they’re having so much goddamn fun. It makes me wish Michael Bay could go back in time and re-cast that terrible Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie with RiRi and her friends instead of those awful CGI melted candle nightmares, and re-write the story so that instead of being crime-fighting teenage mutants, the turtles are raunchy intergalactic weed-smoking good-time bad gals. Let’s be honest, that’s the better movie.
Here’s more of Princess Ooh-Na-Na and her friends tearing it up last night:
Isn’t the answer always “THE GREY FLOOR“?
Every amFAR event’s theme is supposed to be “Down With AIDS!“, but last night’s theme was obviously, “What’s AIDS? Look At My Tits!” Miley Cyrus and RiRi obviously heard that memo loud and clear.
I guess Tom Ford has been trolling the “ratchet prom dress” tag on Tumblr, because that’s the only explanation for the clusterfuck of demure sophistication that RiRi had on her body last night. RiRi showed up to the amfAR LA Inspiration Gala Honoring Tom Ford in L.A. last night wearing some messiness Tom Ford designed and the only thing missing is Diana Ross’ hand under her right tit. That dress looks duct tape, an old bed sheet, two Christmas bows and a sheer nursing bra having an awkward orgy and none of them are even close to cumming. An ear-killing, nasally “SHIT!” was heard all through Calabasas today, because Kim Kartrashian will have to find another ensemble to wear to North West’s khristening ceremony.
RiRi’s look is like this season of American Horror Story. It doesn’t make sense and nothing flows together, but yet I can’t stop looking at it. RiRi looks like a rejected Twi’lek dancer who had to make ends meet by selling ass to aliens on the 16th planet of Tau Ceti, but I’m still into it as fugly and busted as it is. Blame it on her nipples looking like they’re barfing up heavy loads of extra chunky sparkles. That’s what unicorn herpes looks like and it’s stunning.
Aspiring fragrance mogul Rihanna has released her fourth fragrance, a scent for guys called Rogue Man, which judging by the name and this ad, makes me think it’s a perfume for guys who want to smell good after they bust out of prison, Shawshank-style. RiRi teased the release of Rogue Man last week by Tweeting some ~artsy~ black and white pics of her rubbing up against some random tattooed dude like a horny alien princess in heat, and she finally launched it on Saturday at a Macy’s in Atlanta, GA. But it’s not just a fragrance! RiRi told E! that she’s hoping Rogue Man will give people a major case of the hornies:
“I’m all about the ladies so this is one time I get to do something special for my men, but the ladies still get to enjoy it,” she explained. “All my male friends have it. I tested on them first. I also sent it home with my girls to test it out on their boyfriends.”
Speaking of boyfriends, Rihanna wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if the scent could act as an “aphrodisiac” for happy couples.
“That’s what I love about fragrances,” she shared with E! News. “It draws people in and also creates memories and makes things stick and certain emotions are evoked through it at certain moments and you remember it.”
Watch out, powdered rhino horns and dehydrated tiger penises and other weird aphrodisiacs; RiRi is coming for the boner-making market! And you should probably watch your back too, Viagra; I heard Rogue Man will give you the kind of 4-hour erection that you won’t want to call your doctor about!
The only thing I don’t understand is why she gave it such a boring name. Rogue Man sounds kind of like Rain Man, and that doesn’t make me horn-horn at all! She should have given it a way raunchier name. The obvious choice would have been to call it Rude Boy, but I would have also accepted something next-level vulgar, like Fuck Spray or Get Cha Dick Wet or just a picture of two people fucking. It’s not too late, RiRi!
Here’s Princess Ooh-Na-Na having a goddamn great time at the unveiling
Rogue Man Fuck Spray at Macy’s on Saturday:
So the sequel to The Fappening happened yesterday (The Fappening 2: Electric Lube-aloo), and included on the list of celebrities who’s titty pics were leaked was Isis from Bring It On, aka Gabrielle Union. And just like you can sort of tell in this picture above, Gabrielle wasn’t here for that shit. Instead of pulling a Shaggy like Ariana Grande and Victoria Justice did and claiming “IT WASN’T ME” in the stolen nipple pics, TMZ says that Gabrielle has told her legal team to call up the FBI. Gabrielle also decided to publicly address the situation by releasing a joint statement with her husband Dwayne Wade, in which they slap at the pic-hacking asshole responsible and offer support to everyone else who found pics of their parts online yesterday:
“It has come to our attention that our private moments, that were shared and deleted solely between my husband and myself, have been leaked by some vultures. I can’t help but to be reminded that since the dawn of time women and children, specifically women of color, have been victimized, and the power over their own bodies taken from them. These atrocities against women and children continue worldwide. For anyone out there also being affected by these and other hacking and hate crimes – We send our love, support and prayers. We have done nothing wrong.”
Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian is putting together a gift basket filled with Hooker’s Choice Diskount Spray Tanner and Executive TRAMP-brand too-tight stripper skirts as a way to say thanks for cutting out the middle man (Pimp Mama Kris) and saving her some time.
It sounds like already there are already people who need Gabrielle and Dwayne’s love and support; TMZ says that early this morning, hacked pictures of Rihanna made their way onto the internet. How DARE that hacker! THE AUDACITY! There are plenty of pictures of Princess Ooh-Na-Na’s nipples on the internet; they didn’t have to start stealing from her personal stash! That’s dark-sided! Rihanna is kind enough to share pictures of her intergalactic fuck parts, but you have to ask first! “Please Princess RiRi, may I see your beautiful Barbadian booby balls?” Only RiRi should get to decide who sees her outer space nipple pellets!
Rihanna Takes An Angry Swipe At CBS For Pulling Her Song From Thursday Night Football Last Week (UPDATE)
Last week, CBS decided to pull Rihanna’s song “Run This Town” along with a narration by Don Cheadle from the opening of Thursday Night Football’s broadcast of the game between the Baltimore Ravens and the Pittsburgh Steelers, and instead replace it with a discussion about domestic violence. At the time, CBS Sports chairman Sean McManus explained they chose to do so because after all the Ray Rice shit that had happened earlier that week, it no longer fit the tone they were going for. However, they did plan on using RiRi’s opening at a later date, and “Run This Town” is back for this week’s broadcast.
I guess RiRi was smoking space blunts on an alien yacht somewhere in the Blorg-6 Riviera, because it looks like she just got the memo that CBS is using her song for Thursday Night Football once again. Oh, and she is NOT having it. Princess Ooh-Na-Na took to Twitter to drag CBS for ever pulling her song in the first place:
I’m not sure what I love more: that RiRi combined a “Fuck you” with a “Y’all are sad” (it’s the peanut butter and chocolate of insults) or that she followed it up with a Dowager Countess-sounding “The audacity“. I pictured RiRi writing the first Tweet in a g-string and chinchilla-fur bikini top with a half-smoked blunt hanging out of her mouth, then changing into a high-necked Gibson Girl dress and grabbing a pair of opera glasses while throwing her nose in the air and haughtily declaring: “My goodness…THE AUDACITY! Charles, take a note on the telegraph – I want everyone to know how displeased I am with those boorish oafs at the Columbia Broadcasting System.”
Clearly CBS should apologize to RiRi, but a basic Hoops & Yoyo eCard isn’t going to cut it. If they really want to get on her good side, they should send over Don Cheadle nestled in a giant basket filled with decorative grass (you know what kind she likes) wrapped in a sash that says “Sorry we were RUDE BOYS, but we is BIG ENOUGH to admit we fucked up“. Don Cheadle can fix anything.
UPDATE: CBS has announced that they’re pulling Rihanna’s extraterrestrial warbling from the intro to Thursday Night Football for good and replacing it with some “newly created” theme music. THE AUDACITY!!!!
Seen here looking like Biggie Shorty’s fun slutty stoner cousin, Rihanna was the reason a CBS boardroom table was filled with people grimacing while nervously tugging at their shirt collars this week. According to Sports Illustrated (via Daily News), CBS had originally planned to open Thursday night’s game between the Baltimore Ravens and the Pittsburgh Steelers with Rihanna’s song “Run This Town” playing over a narration by Don Cheadle, because everybody loves RiRi and EVERYBODY loves Don Cheadle.
Then the video of Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice punching his girlfriend in the face in a hotel elevator surfaced. Rice was eventually dropped from the team and suspended from the NFL, but when shit like #ravensdomesticviolence and #ravenplayersfacepunch start trending on Twitter, opening a Ravens game with a song by one of the most famous victims of domestic violence might not be the most tasteful decision. So they pulled the song from the broadcast of Thursday Night Football and replaced it with CBS This Morning anchor Norah O’Donnell discussing NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s recent comments about the Ray Rice incident.
CBS Sports chairman Sean McManus explained to SI why they decided to yank Princess Ooh-Na-Na’s gorgeous intergalactic voice from last night’s game:
“It’s important to realize we are not overreacting to this story but it is as big a story as has faced the NFL. We thought journalistically and from a tone standpoint, we needed to have the appropriate tone and coverage. A lot of the production elements we wanted in the show are being eliminated because of time or tone.”
I understand pulling RiRi’s song from the broadcast – that’s the biggest DUH this side of Planet NoShitSherlock – but why did they have to pull Don Cheadle??? He could have delivered that discussion on domestic violence! If anyone can make people sit up and pay attention with their smooth “guuuurl, this is important, so pay attention” voice, it’s Academy Award-nominated actor Don Cheadle!
You’re like “Uh, is this a trick question?“. Obviously your first instinct is, duh, legendary loony chest-pounding French Canadian chanteuse Celine Dion worked it better, will always work it better, will work it backwards better. But there’s something about Rihanna’s sloppy-as-all-hell sleeves and loose titty draping that has a certain “Je ne sais give le fuck” that is truly risk-taking. Not to mention that her ensemble sort of makes her look like a hastily-rolled human-sized joint, which truly evokes the essence of RiRi. Celine just looks like a lady in a backwards suit. RiRi takes it! However, all bets are off if Rihanna tries to whip out a giant white fedora and shades, because only Celine can pull off something that ridiculous.
RiRi is currently in New York City for Fashion Week, and it’s RiRi we’re talking about, so of course she’s been working that body-oddy-oddy this week. Except that she’s still sort of keeping things covered up, which is uncharacteristic for her, and I’m confused. Normally her outfits look like they were picked out at Sexy-R-Us, if that’s even a store. And if it’s not a store, it should be; the modesty-impaired should have a one-stop-shop for all their slutty clothing needs. I wonder if that’s ever been pitched on Shark Tank?
Regardless, I’m kind of shocked that Rihanna has been dressing so modestly. Not once have her outer space nipple pellets made an appearance! Although the week is still young; today we get refined menswear-inspired sophistication, but tomorrow she could just say “Fuck it” and hire some dude to walk behind her with his hands covering her Barbadian booby balls like Janet Jackson on that Rolling Stone cover.
She’s like “Hmmm, that’s not a bad idea. I was just going to go topless.” You’re welcome, RiRi!
Here’s more of Rihanna looking like a sexy sleepy pajama model while heading to a fashion event, and then later that night on her way to the Versus Ver-SAYCE show:
Nicki Minaj has been teasing the music video for “Anaconda” for what feels like FOR-EV-UR, but the sloppy silicone-injected madness finally ends tomorrow when that shit is released onto the world, and we all call in sick because human eyes haven’t yet evolved to handle staring directly into Nicki’s spit roasted honey garlic-glazed ass cheeks without getting a migraine. But until then, she’s still teasing that mess. Yesterday she teased several images from the upcoming video on Instagram featuring a bored-as-shit Wheelchair Jimmy looking like he’d rather do a Degrassi LIVE! 40-city mall tour than get a lap dance from Nicki Minaj. He literally looks like he’s afraid to get a boner and he’s treating Nicki’s vulcanized rubber bubble butt like a T-Rex. “If I don’t move, it won’t move, and she’ll eventually leave.”
Or maybe he was afraid Nicki would leave too much of her scent (L’eau de Fix-a-Flat and whatever it is you smell when you walk into a Frederick’s of Hollywood) on his Drake Snake and his on-again off-again boo Rihanna would get jealous and tear it off with her acrylic claws. Because yeah, it seems like they’re back on again. According to Radar, Princess RiRi and Wheelchair Jimmy might be back on again. They were spotted together at New York’s Griffin nightclub on Monday night, which – no offense Radar – doesn’t necessarily mean they’re back together; it just means RiRi’s blunt-hunting pussy pouch got horn-horn for that Drake dick again and she put him back into her regular rotation.
Here’s RiRi on her way to meet Wheelchair Jimmy at the club on Monday night. RiRi, always thinking ahead, changed into sneakers on her way there, because she knows Drake is a stage-5 clinger and she should always be prepared to make a quick getaway if shit turns from sexy to suffocating. And also some more of Drake pulling a Sad Kanye while getting a lap dance from Nicki Minaj, because it’s not as if we won’t be seeing it over and over and over again tomorrow.
Well, almost. It looks like they ran out of paint towards the end, but I’m sure any of us would make the same mistake. It’s impossible to estimate how much paint you’d need to cover Rihanna’s infinitely vast expanse of forehead. It’s like trying to comprehend how much water is in the ocean or grains of sand on a beach; it is not meant to be known (#deep).
Rihanna is W Magazine’s alien princess cover girl for September, and earlier today she revealed the cover on Twitter (insert Tobias Fünke “I’m afraid I just blue myself” joke here), as well as a bunch of pictures from the nightmare-looking photo shoot. RiRi calls it as an “Eskimo Horror Cover Story”, but I’d be more inclined to describe it as “Tired Ewok prostitute from the red light district of Endor” meets “The broken condom baby of Wez from The Road Warrior and a Qallupilluit, with just a pinch of Old Gregg.”
But if I didn’t know this was a high-fashion photo shoot for W Magazine, I’d be sure I was looking at a deviantART picture based off some weird Twilight/True Blood crossover fan fiction (I’m guessing either a story about Jacob Black losing his virginity to a sexy shape-shifting cloud of weed smoke).
The only thing missing was RiRi’s chichis. No greased-up booby balls! Someone at W must have a personal vendetta against RiRi’s Balzac Brat titties, because they were buried under layers and layers of Wookiee fur in each shot. Can you even legally call it a photo shoot if RiRi’s Barbadian blunt tip nips never make an appearance? I don’t think you can.
Here’s the rest of Rihanna looking like PETA‘s worst nightmare, as well RiRi posing in some Muppet-looking Balmain sweaters with the legendary Iman and bitchmaster general Naomi Campbell.
For what has felt like centuries, the media and Beyonce have been playing a little game of back and forth that she probably orchestrated from the beginning since her weave controls the world. The media will squirt out a story about how Bey-Z’s marriage is on life support and they’re only holding it together for sake of their
child brand. Then Beyonce will answer to that rumor by posting a perfect family portrait on Instagram. Rinse, repeat, blah blah blah… But now Page Six is stepping shit up and over the weekend they squatted and pooted out a 10,000 word piece titled “Inside The Crumbling Marriage of Jay-Z and Beyonce.” Instead of that piece, I wish they would’ve explained to me in 10,000 words what kind of slutty burqa outfit (see: ab0ve) Beyonce wears in the On The Run tour, but I guess they’re saving that piece for another day.
Page Six claims they talked to one source who has been deep inside Team Bey-Z for years (aka Basement Baby who called Page Six from the Campbell’s soup can phone in her basement). The source didn’t exactly spit up dingles that are shiny and brand new. They say that Jay-Z and Beyonce have been a business arrangement from the beginning, and she started humping his camel humps, because she knew he’d take her higher and he got with her, because he knew she’d take him higher. Beyonce’s puppet strings used to be pulled by her daddy and now they’re being pulled by her husband. Beyonce can’t take a dump without Jay-Z popping his head in the bathroom to tell her to grunt softer and put a little more stank on it.
“There’s no bigger controller than Jay. She’s great, but she’d be a little lower on the totem pole if it weren’t for hooking up with him. In terms of ambition, talent, business acumen and work ethic, Beyoncé and Jay Z were perfectly matched. They are solid, solid business people who know what they’re doing.”
The source said that Beyonce is starting to get sick of Jay-Z controlling the hard drive in her head and is slowly stepping away from him. The robot uprising is beginning! Apparently, the straw that broke Jay-Z’s back has an infinityhead that is big enough to host the next Comic-Con, has a pair of alien nipples we’ve all seen more than we’ve seen our own and is named RiRi. The source said that RiRi’s the real reason why Basement Baby issued a camel beat down on Jay-Z.
The source says the elevator fight after the Met Ball was really over Jay’s protégé Rihanna, whom he allegedly planned to meet later that night at his 40/40 club. “Solange was like, ‘Enough is enough — you must be [screwing] Rihanna,’” says the source. “To many people who know them, they know it’s not out of the realm of possibility.”
Finally, the source said that Beyonce and Jay-Z will put their dying marriage out of its misery eventually, but it might not happen for a while, because they want to milk as much money out of it as they can.
Today, the source says, it’s not whether they’ll split, but how they’ll split — adding that the only time Jay and Beyoncé are really together is on stage. They’re allegedly traveling with marriage counselors, but Jay — as he’s always done — spends much of his time on the phone, tending to business. “His phone’s constantly ringing,” says the source, “Jay trying to make deal after deal.” Calls to representatives for the couple by The Post were not returned.
The question now is whether to stay married while essentially living separate lives — becoming the Bill and Hillary of hip-hop — or publicly divorce. Ultimately, it will be about the brand. “There’s face-saving involved — they don’t want to be looked at like other celebrities out there,” says the source. “They are business people first, entertainers second. Husband and wife comes somewhere down the line.”
Team Bey-Z has probably been planning this gigantic, break-up stunt for years. They staged and leaked that elevator video so the media would create a tsunami of break-up rumors. They’re going to ride those break-up rumors and use them for maximum publicity until the last show of their tour where they’ll sign the divorce papers onstage. The sight of their Gods breaking up before their eyes will cause the BumbleBeys in the audience to collectively shake so hard that it will creative a destructive, giant sonic boom that will quickly flatten the earth. And as we all turn to dust, Jay-Z, Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter will escape Earth in a spaceship headed to the next planet they plan to rule and destroy. In other words, this “break-up” shit is all just an Illuminati plot to destroy the world. Don’t take the