And I don’t mean “came” like that. Or maybe I do. I don’t know what kind of weird kink you’re into.
“This Is What You Came For” peaked at #4 on the Billboard Hot 100 in the US and reached the top 10 in many, many other countries. It’s become one of Calvin Harris’ biggest hits, if not his biggest. That song has approximately 3 lyrics total (including all those OooooOooooohs) and those lyrics were written by evil cornhusk doll Taylor Swift. TMZ first burped up the news this morning, and Taylor’s rep later told People that it’s 100% true. TMZ’s source (hi, Olivia Benson!) said that the song is ultimately what broke up the giraffe love between Taylor and Calvin. And Calvin had a lot to say about that and even dragged Taylor’s forever nemesis Katy Perry into it. I love it when us losers and loners get to gather around the green circle table in the corner of the junior high school cafeteria and watch as the popular kids publicly tear each other apart. It’s better than square pizza Fridays.
Detective LaToya doesn’t have shit on me! I came out of my mom wearing an afterbirth-splattered deerstalker cap and clutching a magnifying glass in my (still) pudgy little fist! Rihanna pulled out of a headlining gig with Lollapalooza Colombia because she doesn’t want to catch the no-joke Zika virus. Here’s two and then another two and I’m putting them together because she is obviously knocked up! Pregnant women who catch Zika can give birth to babies with serious birth defects. DO I NEED TO ADD ANOTHER TWO HERE?!?
It’s a sad day for the people of Colombia with Lollapalooza tickets. Rihanna’s pulling out caused them to cancel the entire festival. This is despite other scheduled performers like Lana Del Rey, Disclosure, and the Chainsmokers. Lana just aimed her beach house bazooka at Rihanna’s private jet for effing with her money. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL RIHANNA’S BABY, LANA?
Of course, this is all total supposition. Zika is terrifying – pregnant or not. And I should admit that I didn’t even think about Rihanna’s actions suggesting a baby until I fully read Michael K‘s assignment to write about this and got to “knocked up???” in the parentheses at the end. Before that I assumed Rihanna was just using it as an excuse not to have to fly her ass down to South America. Because Tape nightclub isn’t in South America and the girl has been practically living there lately.
Who am I kidding? I’m no detective. If this were the Scooby Gang, I’d be somewhere between Daphne and Scrappy. *frown*
E! is confirming that Rihanna and Drake are indeed and once again a thing. Here they are exiting London’s Tape nightclub at 5:30 AM. Brexit what? This is the REAL news from the UK!
God, 5:30 AM is so late/early. Hearing birds singing their irritating morning song as you leave the nightclub/party/dumpster you were drinking behind is the most depressing sound in the world. It’s like the soundtrack for a suicide attempt.
Wheelchair Jimmy has supposedly been obsessing on RiRi ever since they parted bongs. According to E!, an “insider” tells them that “he still loves her and never stopped.” This would be totally heart-warming if we weren’t talking about self-absorbed millionaires limo-ing around the world while you have have to deal with that annoying Mandy chick from Marketing who is so fucking loud on the phone. Shut up, Mandy.
And when commenting on this “Open Post,” please make sure and take a shot at guessing what the hell Rihanna is wearing. There’s some denim, and some fringe, and some prairie and that belt. She’s really challenging us here.
Salivate over more pics of Rihanna and Drake leaving Tape in London below.
Earlier today, Rihanna was seen leaving a photo shoot in New York wearing the ensemble above, and it’s pretty clear she’s not at risk of losing her title of Her Royal Highness of Not Giving A Fuck anytime soon. The photo agency where I got these pictures says that RiRi was leaving a 20-hour photo shoot, which would probably explain why she looks like she’s ready to crawl her ass into a giant bed with a Glo Worm stuffed with weed and set her phone to Do Not Fucking Disturb.
Really, that’s the only reason I can think of for why Rihanna would be in a bathrobe and a pair of shower sandals in public in broad daylight. The only other explanation I can come up with is that Rihanna is secretly a mother of three, and one of her kids forgot their lunch, so she’s driving it to school. Unfortunately for her kid, Mama RiRi doesn’t get dressed until she’s seen the second cooking segment of Racheal Ray, which means lunch is being delivered in a robe and slippers. I bet there’s a clump of balled-up tissues in that front pocket too.
But she’s wearing sunglasses, which means no one will notice that she’s in a bathrobe and slippies. I too have labored under the delusion that expensive sunglasses have the magical power to forgive your fashion transgressions. I don’t know why, but they just do. Sunglasses absorb shame.
Leonardo DiCaprio, seen above trying his best to sneak out of a club incognito (sorry Leo, but that scraggly bro beard will always give you away), was out with a few ladies in New York last night. One of them was Leo’s current favorite party friend, Rihanna. The other was a blonde model (shocking, I know), but it wasn’t the blonde model named Ela Kawalec that he was supposedly doing as of last week, and it wasn’t the blonde named Roxy Horner that he was allegedly doing last month. It was actually a blast from Leo’s nut-busting past, Nina Agdal.
Nobody knows if it was on purpose or by accident that Leonardo was at the same club with RiRi and Nina. TMZ says they were all there at the same time, which means there’s a chance RiRi and Nina were the only ones who were kind enough to show up after receiving a mass text that said: “Yo, boo boos, who wants 2 get drunk with their Oscar-winning friend Leo!?” Then again, it could all be a coincidence that he was seen at the same club as Nina Agdal. Considering just how many model vaginas Leo’s penis has been inside, his chances of being at the same club as a model he’s already had sex with are probably pretty high.
I know people recently started to doubt Leo’s commitment to saving the earth after it was revealed that he had taken a private jet to accept an environmental award. But he’s obviously extremely dedicated to a green lifestyle since it appears that he might be recycling models. And I bet that if they were actually at the club together and she did end up back at his place, Leo would have sent her home the next morning in a zero-emissions rickshaw pulled by Lukas Haas. So there!
Here’s more of Leo, Nina, and RiRi leaving the club at different times last night. I wish I could tell you why Rihanna is wearing the contents of a yard sale put on by a grandmother and her grandson, but I don’t have an answer for that.
The last time we checked in on RiRi and Wheelchair Jimmy, they were grinding against each other like two horny students at the Degrassi High spring dance in both of her videos for “Work.” But as far as anyone knew, they weren’t dating. Then last week, Drake described his relationship with Rihanna in kind of more-than-friends way (at least to me) by saying they “do well as a team“, that they’re “not forcing some story on people“, and that they have a “genuine energy.” Now People is saying that – SURPRISE – they’ve been dating this whole time. We just haven’t heard about it because they’ve been dating in ~secret~.
A source says they’ve been secretly dating “for months.” I immediately pictured the source as an excited Drake twirling the cord of his princess phone around his finger while scribbling Mr. Wheelchair Rihanna in his Raptors notebook. A different source tells UsWeekly that they’re “definitely hooking up“, while another says they were spotted acting cutesy at The Nice Guy last night. According to that source, they were together the whole night with their arms around each other and looked “affectionate.” Okay, but to be honest, I’m pretty sure “affectionate” is Drake’s default setting. Meanwhile, another source tells UsWeekly that they’re “just friends.” Which would make sense, because hooking up with dudes is RiRi’s default setting.
I 100% approve this relationship happening again, if only because I really want to see what happens when Drake brings Rihanna to Toronto for a romantic hometown visit. It will be just like The Bachelor, but RiRi style. Instead of having brunch with his mother at home, they’ll all share a bag of Taco Bell while getting lap dances at the Brass Rail. And instead of taking a ride up to the top of the CN Tower and watching the sunset, they can stay on the ground and take a bunch of forced-perspective pictures that make it look like they’re smoking a giant concrete joint. Maybe if they’re lucky, it will be a foggy day and they’ll light the tower up with the red lights that make it look like it’s burning. God, could it get any more romantic?
Three minutes of music video footage, and that was the safest-for-work screengrab available. Rihanna truly outdid herself this time! Earlier today, RiRi released the music video for her latest single, “Needed Me“, and in case it wasn’t clear enough from the title up top, it’s basically Spring Breakers. But, you know, for people who saw Spring Breakers and left the theater thinking: “You know, this is good, but what would make it really great would be way more strippers, titties, asses, guns, motorcycles, money, nipple piercings, people that look like they have all the hepatitises, and 100% less James Franco.”
The video, which was directed by Spring Breakers and Gummo director Harmony Korine, opens with a weed-smoking RiRi wearing a vintage dressing gown and wandering around a fancy condo in slow-motion like a Lana Del Rey robot with a low-battery. Then she rides a motorcycle in slow-motion. Eventually she strolls into a strip club in slow-motion and shoots a dude while he’s getting a slow-motion lap dance. I guess Drake and the horny phantom from the “Kiss It Better” video were busy, because they don’t make an appearance. Thankfully, Rihanna’s nipples were kind enough to take some time out of their busy schedules and step in. I know it’s probably beyond redundant to say this, but the following video is NSFW.
If anyone is looking for Taylor Swift, she just crawled into a pile of dusty rose throw pillows, curled in the fetal position with her hands over her eyes, and started whispering “I want to forget…I want to forget….“
Seen above looking like she’s about to tag into an exhibition match during an indie wrestling show held in a bar basement in Bay City, Michigan, RiRi pulled a Kesha last night by making a surprise appearance in the middle of a DJ’s set at the annual Excuse To Roll Your Brains Out While Wearing Crystals From Michael’s On Your Face event.
Press Play On An iPod Ken (aka Calvin Harris) was one of the headliners at Coachella last night and during his set, RiRi popped up to sing along with a track of their song We Found Love. Calvin’s partner in Instagram cheesiness Taylor Swift was at Cokehella (copyright: the Dlisted reader who called it that last year) most of the weekend, but People says she pressed pause on the coochie cutters foolery on Saturday afternoon to take her private jet to San Antonio, Texas for her back-up singer’s wedding. Taylor flew back to California from Texas on the same day to catch Aileen Wuornos look-alike Axl Rose perform on a throne of guitar necks with Guns N’ Roses. And last night, Tay Tay and her squad were in the audience for her Easy Bake Oven sous-chef’s set.
Yes, that’s Chris Brown’s version of sad. I can practically hear the director shouting at their assistant: “Is there any way we can make him look sadder? I don’t know what it is, but he’s still reading on camera as ‘dirtbag that steals lizards from pet stores and resells them on Craigslist’. Maybe draw some tears on that cartoon fox?”
Because hissing at people on Instagram only gives us but a glimpse into the mind of famous fuck-up and sometime performer Chris Brown, he has decided to tell his truth in a documentary called Welcome to My Life. That’s right, Chris Brown wants you to know the real Chris Brown. So forget all the stuff you’ve heard about Chris Brown allegedly making death threats, allegedly fighting a woman in Las Vegas, etc… etc… Because we’re about to hear Chris Brown’s side of the story.
The trailer for Welcome to My Lies is less than 3 minutes, but it gets into some pretty heavy material, like Chris Brown’s violent situation with Rihanna in 2009. According to the editing of the WTML trailer, the media’s response to him beating on RiRi made Chris Brown feel like “a fucking monster.” It also apparently made him start thinking about suicide.
Chris Brown also admits that after it all went down, he wasn’t sleeping, was barely eating, and was getting high all the time. Poor Chris Brown, numbling his feelings with weed. Kind of ironic, considering that RiRi was probably also killing the pain with drugs too. Except hers were prescribed by a doctor.
But don’t think that being an abusive shitcramp will be the end of Chris Brown’s career. Chris Brown closes with this thought:
“If there was ever a doubt in your mind that Chris Brown was done, that he was finished. I wouldn’t bet on it.”
Oh, don’t worry, Chris Brown. If your recent behavior on Twitter with has taught us anything, it’s that there’s no doubt you’re not done being Chris Brown.
Just like the killer that comes back for one more scare at the end of every horror movie, and then in countless, mind numbing sequels, Rihanna and Leonardo DiCaprio were spotted getting close again. The powers that be have decided that this is the great romance question of our time and the true quest of human kind is to speculate and maybe or maybe not find out whether these two horny sluts are gonna finally just turn around and say “WE’VE FUCKED!”
Anywhere there are tall, thin girls in questionable attire, you’re bound to find Leonardo. He can smell generic B-Grade model types from miles and miles away. “Come on Snatch Snatcher… Let’s go Snatching!” That’s what he says to himself when he sets out for the day. So, naturally, he’s at Coochella. He and Rihanna were spotted getting up close and whoresonal again at the Neon Carnival last night. Leo was seen whispering into her ear and she just smiled and stared straight ahead. A source told People that before he covered Rihanna’s face with greasy whispers, Leo gave an encore performance of the hot dance moves his body delivered at Coachella last year.
Leo slipped into the party incognito and was dancing and singing to ‘No Scrubs.’ He knew every word! A couple tables over Rihanna was dancing with a couple girlfriends. Leo saw her and made his way over to say Hi.
Personally, I don’t think they’re hoing with each other, I think they trade conquest stories. They both seem like nasty sex types and I get the feeling they love to swap tales of poon and peen, in very vivid detail. And of course they must get an extra kick out of telling these horror stories out in public. I pray no one around them heard anything about where Leo’s grimy beard has been.
More importantly, Rihanna was also spotted canoodling with a true mega star. A shining example of elegance and lady like decorum – Courtney Love! I’m always thankful for a Courtney sighting because that way I know she’s ok and I can stop worrying. Riri and Courtney were at the Guns N’ Roses show and if we can call what she and Leo do hooking up, then she and Court were lezzing out while rocking out.
Pics: Getty, Mohammed Al Turki’s Instagram