Leonardo DiCaprio, seen above trying his best to sneak out of a club incognito (sorry Leo, but that scraggly bro beard will always give you away), was out with a few ladies in New York last night. One of them was Leo’s current favorite party friend, Rihanna. The other was a blonde model (shocking, I know), but it wasn’t the blonde model named Ela Kawalec that he was supposedly doing as of last week, and it wasn’t the blonde named Roxy Horner that he was allegedly doing last month. It was actually a blast from Leo’s nut-busting past, Nina Agdal.
Nobody knows if it was on purpose or by accident that Leonardo was at the same club with RiRi and Nina. TMZ says they were all there at the same time, which means there’s a chance RiRi and Nina were the only ones who were kind enough to show up after receiving a mass text that said: “Yo, boo boos, who wants 2 get drunk with their Oscar-winning friend Leo!?” Then again, it could all be a coincidence that he was seen at the same club as Nina Agdal. Considering just how many model vaginas Leo’s penis has been inside, his chances of being at the same club as a model he’s already had sex with are probably pretty high.
I know people recently started to doubt Leo’s commitment to saving the earth after it was revealed that he had taken a private jet to accept an environmental award. But he’s obviously extremely dedicated to a green lifestyle since it appears that he might be recycling models. And I bet that if they were actually at the club together and she did end up back at his place, Leo would have sent her home the next morning in a zero-emissions rickshaw pulled by Lukas Haas. So there!
Here’s more of Leo, Nina, and RiRi leaving the club at different times last night. I wish I could tell you why Rihanna is wearing the contents of a yard sale put on by a grandmother and her grandson, but I don’t have an answer for that.
The last time we checked in on RiRi and Wheelchair Jimmy, they were grinding against each other like two horny students at the Degrassi High spring dance in both of her videos for “Work.” But as far as anyone knew, they weren’t dating. Then last week, Drake described his relationship with Rihanna in kind of more-than-friends way (at least to me) by saying they “do well as a team“, that they’re “not forcing some story on people“, and that they have a “genuine energy.” Now People is saying that – SURPRISE – they’ve been dating this whole time. We just haven’t heard about it because they’ve been dating in ~secret~.
A source says they’ve been secretly dating “for months.” I immediately pictured the source as an excited Drake twirling the cord of his princess phone around his finger while scribbling Mr. Wheelchair Rihanna in his Raptors notebook. A different source tells UsWeekly that they’re “definitely hooking up“, while another says they were spotted acting cutesy at The Nice Guy last night. According to that source, they were together the whole night with their arms around each other and looked “affectionate.” Okay, but to be honest, I’m pretty sure “affectionate” is Drake’s default setting. Meanwhile, another source tells UsWeekly that they’re “just friends.” Which would make sense, because hooking up with dudes is RiRi’s default setting.
I 100% approve this relationship happening again, if only because I really want to see what happens when Drake brings Rihanna to Toronto for a romantic hometown visit. It will be just like The Bachelor, but RiRi style. Instead of having brunch with his mother at home, they’ll all share a bag of Taco Bell while getting lap dances at the Brass Rail. And instead of taking a ride up to the top of the CN Tower and watching the sunset, they can stay on the ground and take a bunch of forced-perspective pictures that make it look like they’re smoking a giant concrete joint. Maybe if they’re lucky, it will be a foggy day and they’ll light the tower up with the red lights that make it look like it’s burning. God, could it get any more romantic?
Three minutes of music video footage, and that was the safest-for-work screengrab available. Rihanna truly outdid herself this time! Earlier today, RiRi released the music video for her latest single, “Needed Me“, and in case it wasn’t clear enough from the title up top, it’s basically Spring Breakers. But, you know, for people who saw Spring Breakers and left the theater thinking: “You know, this is good, but what would make it really great would be way more strippers, titties, asses, guns, motorcycles, money, nipple piercings, people that look like they have all the hepatitises, and 100% less James Franco.”
The video, which was directed by Spring Breakers and Gummo director Harmony Korine, opens with a weed-smoking RiRi wearing a vintage dressing gown and wandering around a fancy condo in slow-motion like a Lana Del Rey robot with a low-battery. Then she rides a motorcycle in slow-motion. Eventually she strolls into a strip club in slow-motion and shoots a dude while he’s getting a slow-motion lap dance. I guess Drake and the horny phantom from the “Kiss It Better” video were busy, because they don’t make an appearance. Thankfully, Rihanna’s nipples were kind enough to take some time out of their busy schedules and step in. I know it’s probably beyond redundant to say this, but the following video is NSFW.
If anyone is looking for Taylor Swift, she just crawled into a pile of dusty rose throw pillows, curled in the fetal position with her hands over her eyes, and started whispering “I want to forget…I want to forget….“
Seen above looking like she’s about to tag into an exhibition match during an indie wrestling show held in a bar basement in Bay City, Michigan, RiRi pulled a Kesha last night by making a surprise appearance in the middle of a DJ’s set at the annual Excuse To Roll Your Brains Out While Wearing Crystals From Michael’s On Your Face event.
Press Play On An iPod Ken (aka Calvin Harris) was one of the headliners at Coachella last night and during his set, RiRi popped up to sing along with a track of their song We Found Love. Calvin’s partner in Instagram cheesiness Taylor Swift was at Cokehella (copyright: the Dlisted reader who called it that last year) most of the weekend, but People says she pressed pause on the coochie cutters foolery on Saturday afternoon to take her private jet to San Antonio, Texas for her back-up singer’s wedding. Taylor flew back to California from Texas on the same day to catch Aileen Wuornos look-alike Axl Rose perform on a throne of guitar necks with Guns N’ Roses. And last night, Tay Tay and her squad were in the audience for her Easy Bake Oven sous-chef’s set.
Yes, that’s Chris Brown’s version of sad. I can practically hear the director shouting at their assistant: “Is there any way we can make him look sadder? I don’t know what it is, but he’s still reading on camera as ‘dirtbag that steals lizards from pet stores and resells them on Craigslist’. Maybe draw some tears on that cartoon fox?”
Because hissing at people on Instagram only gives us but a glimpse into the mind of famous fuck-up and sometime performer Chris Brown, he has decided to tell his truth in a documentary called Welcome to My Life. That’s right, Chris Brown wants you to know the real Chris Brown. So forget all the stuff you’ve heard about Chris Brown allegedly making death threats, allegedly fighting a woman in Las Vegas, etc… etc… Because we’re about to hear Chris Brown’s side of the story.
The trailer for Welcome to My Lies is less than 3 minutes, but it gets into some pretty heavy material, like Chris Brown’s violent situation with Rihanna in 2009. According to the editing of the WTML trailer, the media’s response to him beating on RiRi made Chris Brown feel like “a fucking monster.” It also apparently made him start thinking about suicide.
Chris Brown also admits that after it all went down, he wasn’t sleeping, was barely eating, and was getting high all the time. Poor Chris Brown, numbling his feelings with weed. Kind of ironic, considering that RiRi was probably also killing the pain with drugs too. Except hers were prescribed by a doctor.
But don’t think that being an abusive shitcramp will be the end of Chris Brown’s career. Chris Brown closes with this thought:
“If there was ever a doubt in your mind that Chris Brown was done, that he was finished. I wouldn’t bet on it.”
Oh, don’t worry, Chris Brown. If your recent behavior on Twitter with has taught us anything, it’s that there’s no doubt you’re not done being Chris Brown.
Just like the killer that comes back for one more scare at the end of every horror movie, and then in countless, mind numbing sequels, Rihanna and Leonardo DiCaprio were spotted getting close again. The powers that be have decided that this is the great romance question of our time and the true quest of human kind is to speculate and maybe or maybe not find out whether these two horny sluts are gonna finally just turn around and say “WE’VE FUCKED!”
Anywhere there are tall, thin girls in questionable attire, you’re bound to find Leonardo. He can smell generic B-Grade model types from miles and miles away. “Come on Snatch Snatcher… Let’s go Snatching!” That’s what he says to himself when he sets out for the day. So, naturally, he’s at Coochella. He and Rihanna were spotted getting up close and whoresonal again at the Neon Carnival last night. Leo was seen whispering into her ear and she just smiled and stared straight ahead. A source told People that before he covered Rihanna’s face with greasy whispers, Leo gave an encore performance of the hot dance moves his body delivered at Coachella last year.
Leo slipped into the party incognito and was dancing and singing to ‘No Scrubs.’ He knew every word! A couple tables over Rihanna was dancing with a couple girlfriends. Leo saw her and made his way over to say Hi.
Personally, I don’t think they’re hoing with each other, I think they trade conquest stories. They both seem like nasty sex types and I get the feeling they love to swap tales of poon and peen, in very vivid detail. And of course they must get an extra kick out of telling these horror stories out in public. I pray no one around them heard anything about where Leo’s grimy beard has been.
More importantly, Rihanna was also spotted canoodling with a true mega star. A shining example of elegance and lady like decorum – Courtney Love! I’m always thankful for a Courtney sighting because that way I know she’s ok and I can stop worrying. Riri and Courtney were at the Guns N’ Roses show and if we can call what she and Leo do hooking up, then she and Court were lezzing out while rocking out.
Pics: Getty, Mohammed Al Turki’s Instagram
Rihanna released the video for “Kiss It Better” earlier today. “Kiss It Better” sounds sort of like the Marshmallow Mateys version of a Prince song, so naturally I immediately pictured the video for it would feature RiRi in full-Purple Rain The Kid drag, grinding on a motorcycle while a stripper dressed as Apollonia purifies herself in the waters of Lake Pussytonka. Instead, what we got was 4 minutes and 8 seconds of a horned-up (and sometimes topless) Rihanna getting what appears to be fucked by a ghost. She also lets the ghost shoot dice on her crotch. It’s 10000x better than what I had originally hoped for. The video is NSFW, thanks to a special appearance by RiRi’s pierced nipples in a see-through cami and some black-and-white sideboob.
I don’t know for sure if Rihanna is having sex with a ghost. I’m really just basing that off the part at the 1:10 mark where it looks like some invisible dick is causing her to levitate. And the part at 2:47 mark where it looks like a ghost is going down on her. The only way I could be sure that RiRi is having sex with a ghost is if she released an extended video for “Kiss It Better” that shows her requesting an Uber and telling no one in particular to hurry up because it will be downstairs in 10 minutes.
Either way, I’m sure whatever is happening has caused a jealous Drake to start looking up hot ghosts on Facebook and trying to figure out which one stole his position as Rihanna’s favorite video co-star.
Here’s Rihanna walking around New York City yesterday looking like a high-class escort from The Matrix.
Every once in a loooong while, I’ll get a weird e-mail from someone asking me if I’m gay. Since I talk about dick any chance I get, the fact that I’m gayer than a WWE match would hit you after you read just one sentence I wrote. I don’t know if they’re trolling me or if they took out the working batteries from their gaydar and put ’em in their chirping smoke detector. But that “Auntie Mame” reference should clear it up for everybody.
Tom + Lorenzo tells me that this neck-to-toe foolery that RiRi worked on Monday night in NYC was made by Gucci, so it probably cost about as much as your kidney if you dipped your kidney in solid liquid gold and rolled it in canary diamonds. I bet that the Gucci executives cackle into the air whenever one of their customers spends thousands of dollars on some shit that looks like a sloppy three-way between a Boca Raton grandaddy’s St. Patrick’s Day tracksuit, Chinese pajamas from Pearl River’s going-out-of-business sale and your auntie’s flea-ridden, musty old fur coat.
That craziness pretty much screams LOOK AT ME and I’m looking at it, so it worked. And never mind that it’s doing weird things to RiR’s chocha area, I will say that those “pimp going to his own baptism” boots were a nice touch.
Rihanna Wants You To Know That Beyonce Wasn’t Trying To Steal Her “Anti” Thunder With The Release Of “Formation”
At the end of January, Rihanna’s long-awaited 8th studio album, Anti, finally made its way onto the internet. Because Beyonce is a truly generous soul, she waited a whole week before grabbing her hook and yanking the spotlight back onto herself by dropping the video for “Formation.” Sadly, she didn’t wait as long before announcing her Formation tour, which just so happens to be happening at the exact same time as Rihanna’s Anti tour. Beyonce’s generous, but she’s not running a charity here, people.
Rihanna didn’t have to say how she felt about the situation with Beyonce (her subtle Twitter shading did that for her). But she decided to talk about it during a recent interview with Vogue. Despite the fact that the entire world let out a collective Church Lady-style “How conveeeenient” after Beyonce released the video for “Formation“, RiRi says it’s not like that.
It’s a shame that Robert Stack is no longer with us, because we still have so many unsolved mysteries. Like why Justin Bieber refuses to shave that patchy mess of rodent hair off his face. Or where the Kardashians were able to find a clock that lacks a 15th minute.
But one mystery we don’t need help solving is the mystery of why Rihanna cancelled her performance of “Kiss It Better” at the Grammys last week. Page Six has stamped a CASE CLOSED on that file. According to sources, RiRi called it quits on her performance because she was afraid it was going to be an embarrassing shit show.
“She felt like her performance couldn’t compare [to some of the other artists’], and she was trying to avoid the embarrassment because she knew it wasn’t the right comeback performance. She said, ‘I’m not doing this.'”
As reported earlier, the plan was that night time talk show hamster James Corden would introduce RiRi and she’d come out and start gyrating against his microphone. That sounds bad, but it got worse. A source claims Rihanna rehearsed some of “Kiss It Better” live, but there were a lot of recorded vocals being used. The source adds that her performance left a lot of people “underwhelmed” and wondering why she’d perform a ballad instead of something fun, like “Work.”
RiRi finally realized her performance was a cheesy mess after she started comparing it to other rehearsal performances, like Kendrick Lamar’s. That’s when she decided to blame bronchitis and split.
So there you have it – mystery solved! Speaking of mysteries…is it just me, or did that source seem to have an awful lot to say about how boring and tired RiRi’s performance was? Wait a minute..boring…tired (rips mask off source). Azealia Banks, it was you all along! I knew it!