Taylor Swift just managed to dispel my long-held belief that all her fans are 13-year-old girls. Sure, most of them are. But apparently there’s a 96-year-old pepaw out there who shakes his replacement hips to Shake It Off. And today he’s making all the other senior Swifty fans at Shady Pines jealous.
Mick Jagger has probably spent a giant chunk of his adult life wet humping and raw dog boning any and everything, so there may be Jagger spawn spread all over the world. That may explain why my Ancestry.com results revealed that I’ve got about 0.89% Jagger blood in me. But as far as we know, Mick was a dad to seven kids and now an eighth human gets to call him their father.
The faraway look on Claire Danes’ face in that picture above could either be because she just had a flashback to how orange she was at the Emmys last month or because the negative “I hate you” energy from standing between F. Murray Abraham and Mandy Patinkin is giving her a tension headache. Page Six says it’s the second one.
Seen above looking like he’s posing for the mug shot that was taken after he shot at a bunch of kids who really, really wouldn’t get off his lawn, Clint Eastwood did a joint interview with his hot piece son Scott Eastwood for Esquire and he said a bunch of Clint Eastwood type shit.
The next time The Rolling Stones do another big tour, the dressing rooms will be filled with more whining, slobbering and cries for a diaper change than usual. 69-year-old picked zombie Ronnie Wood welcomed a double bundle of baby into his life just a couple of months ago. And now, Mick Jagger’s 72-year-old baby-making parts are feeling real proud of themselves today, because they still got the stuff that can knock a trick up.
Great news for Ronnie Wood! The next time he accidentally takes a caca during bath times and spits out his mashed peas dinner onto the floor (because that crap is just nasty), he’ll have not only one, but two, humans he can blame it on. Ronnie Wood is a father to babies again at the age of 68. When some people are 68, the only contact they want to have with chirrun is to scream at the ones playing on their front lawn, but Ronnie is actually happy about having adorable drool monsters around again.
Last December, we learned that even after centuries of smoking, snorting, butt chugging, injecting and eyeballing the bad shit, Ronnie Wood’s cum fish can still knock a trick up. Ronnie and his 38-year-old theater producer wife of 3 years Sally Humphries announced that a pair of babies were growing in her womb. Sally birthed out twin girls yesterday and no, she didn’t name one Ka and the other one Ching. via BBC
“Ronnie & Sally Wood are delighted to announce the birth of their twins Gracie Jane (6lb) & Alice Rose (5.7lb). The girls arrived on 30 May at 22:30 and all are doing brilliantly. The babies are perfect.”
Gracie Jane and Alice Rose are Sally’s first children. Besides these new ones, Ronnie has four kids: 41-year-old Jamie, 39-year-old Jesse, 37-year-old Leah and 32-year-old Tyrone.
Like I said before, Ronnie Wood’s Hoggle-looking ass and Keith Richards are going to live longer than dirt, so he’ll witness the entire lives of his twins, his grandkids and his great-great-great-great-great grandkids, but still. Can you imagine being 80-something years old and having to suffer through the nightmare of your kids’ high school graduation? You have to sit there and deal with the judgmental looks from hos who don’t appreciate you taking big swigs of Ensure and rum from your flask, and you have to deal with tricks shushing you when you loudly say, “When is this over? My Depends is full! I can’t take this shit much longer, literally!” Actually, pissing people off like that sounds fun. Let me add “have kids at 68” to my list of possible goals.
And here’s Gracie and Alice’s new uncles at a Rolling Stones exhibit at the Saatchi Gallery in London last month: