Category: Paging Maury
Vanilla Ice Is Reportedly Embroiled In Some Paternity Drama
It’s funny that Vanilla Ice (born name: Rob Van Winkle) was quick to take all of the credit for creating his first baby, “Ice Ice Baby,” despite all of our ears hearing it, all of our eyes seeing him, and Mario “Chocolate” Johnson taking the blame for it–which all suggests otherwise. But, it looks like it’s going to take a DNA test and an appearance in court for him to take credit for a 5-year-old daughter he made with his longtime girlfriend, Kirra Hentz. She’s asking the courts to force Ice to take a DNA test in an effort to establish paternity so he’ll pay child support, and they can determine custody arrangements. So take off your Reebok Pumps, microwave some Totino’s, and plop down on your hideous geometric-print couch; because we could have ourselves a nostalgic 1990s The Maury Povich Show-style “you ARE/you ARE NOT the father” moment.
Tristan Thompson’s Third Child Is Here And He Reportedly Wants A Paternity Test
Tristan Thompson is back in the news and, unfortunately for him, it’s never about his basketball skills! Just a few days ago, it was revealed that pro cheater Tristan got it on with Maralee Nichols, a personal trainer from Texas, on his 30th birthday in March which ultimately led to the conception of his third child and a whole world of messiness! Super math geniuses noted that the timeline of the pregnancy took place while Tristan was still with Khloe Kardashian who defended him against the cheating rumors at the time (she’s known for plastic surgery, not being astute!). Get ready for the next big Kardashian storyline (Pimp Mama Kris can’t have people remembering Astroworld, can she now?), because Tristan has hit back demanding a paternity test!
Hunter Biden Is Being Sued By A Woman Who Claims To Have Had His Baby
I’m starting to suspect that Joe Biden’s son Hunter Biden is playing life like a game of Messy Famous Son Bingo. Hunter was kicked out of the military for coke use. He was allegedly busted with an Ashley Madison account. He hooked up with his brother’s widow (while he was still married to his first wife). He married his new girlfriend in the same month it was reported that he’d split from his brother’s widow.
And now an Arkansas woman, who is neither his brother’s widow nor his current wife, claims he’s the father of her baby. I think we just got a bingo?
William Shatner Is Being Sued For $170 Million By A Dude Who Claims He’s His Son
That nervous shuffling you just heard was the Travelocity Gnome and the Trivago DILF hauling ass to the nearest computer, pulling up Facebook, and scanning to see if any of their discount vacation lays now have a kid that looks like them.
William Shatner, Star Trek’s Captain Kirk and the greatest spoken-word lounge “singer” of all time, has found himself in the middle of a mess that includes a paternity test, a 59-year-old Florida DJ, and $170 million lawsuit. Page Six says that a DJ from Florida named Peter Sloan, who started going by Peter Shatner a few years ago, claims to be William Shatner’s long-lost son. Peter claims William Shatner had a brief affair with a Canadian actress named Kathy McNeil 59 years ago that resulted in a whoopsie baby (Peter). Kathy put Peter up for adoption when he was 5 days old, and now Peter wants his real daddy – which, according to Peter, is William Shatner – in his life.
Maury Povich Talks About The Weirdest Paternity Test Result To Ever Happen On Maury
And no, it has nothing to do with Papa John impregnating a woman with a half-human, half-pepperoni baby (I wish); I just wanted to use a picture of Maury Povich giving the kind of stank face I picture he gives Connie Chung after discovering she accidentally threw out his last box of Touch of Gray by Just for Men.
Foxy paternity-testing salt & pepper pop-pop (don’t judge me) Maury Povich did a Reddit AMA yesterday, and one of the questions he was asked was what he thought was the most memorable moment on his show. Based on my Raymond Babbitt-like knowledge of Maury episodes, I assumed Maury would answer either every time dude busted out a next-level not-the-father end zone dance or the time one of his staffers dressed up like a giant tampon to cure a bitch of her cotton ball fear, because those are some memories that will never die. But according to Maury, it was the WTF results of a paternity test for twins:
“It’s happened twice. A woman accused a guy of being the father of her twins. And when I opened the envelope —and I don’t know the answers before anybody else does —he was the father of one of the twins, but not the other. And they were fraternal twins. And science says that’s a million-to-one shot, that there could be two fathers of twins. And it’s happened twice. So the million-to-one shot has come in twice. And that’s the most surprised I ever was.”
I knew that shit could happen to cats. But people? And can those babies even technically be considered twins? That’s more like two half-siblings sharing a room at the same time. I dunno, science is confusing – especially for someone whose sole source of human fertilization information is Maury.
But I think the thing that’s most shocking about that story is learning that those paternity tests on Maury are real. I’m truly shocked!
What Would Detective La Toya Say: DNA Test Proves That Brandon Howard Is Michael Jackson’s Son
Another day, another Jackson family situation that’s as puzzling as Jermaine Jackson’s fringed edges.
A bizarre press conference was held today to announce that DNA results show that there’s a 99.9% chance that 31-year-old pop singer type Brandon Howard was made from Michael Jackson’s sperm fish. There’s also a 99.9% chance that you blankly stared at that last sentence before letting out a single “oh.” You will hold a press conference tomorrow to announce this development.
Brandon Howard’s mom is gospel singer Miki Howard and she was friendly with Michael Jackson and was managed by Joe Jackson. Miki Howard used to go by the nickname “Billy” and Brandon Howard was born a year before “Billie Jean” came out, so some hos think the song is about her.
TMZ says that some dude named Alki David, who owns some site called FilmOn.com, held the press conference today and he’s the one who ordered the DNA test. Alki David got Michael Jackson’s DNA from one of MJ’s old retainers he bought at an auction. Sounds legit! To add another layer of sleazy, greasy shadiness to this giant pool of sleazy, greasy shadiness, sad fame whore Corey Feldman was at the press conference. Corey told the reporters that Brandon is the spitting image of MJ. Oh, Corey, once again proving the lies a total mess will tell for a few drink tickets and a carton of cigs.
But Brandon Howard apparently wants nothing to do with this scheme. Brandon released this statement:
To my fans, family, and friends, despite recent allegations, I did not authorize the testing of my DNA to be compared to that of the late Michael Jackson nor did I contact TMZ regarding the publication of the story.
This spring, I agreed to be a part of a documentary with FilmOn.TV and was asked to give a sample of my DNA. Even though I agreed to this I never expected it to be used in this manner.
To this day, I have never claimed to be Michael Jackson’s son nor do I have any intention of pursuing the family’s estate.
Let’s recap. Michael Jackson supposedly had bareback sex with a woman. Brandon Howard gave his DNA to an almost-stranger for whatever reason. DNA was scraped off of a nasty, disgusting, old, used retainer that may or may not have spent time in Michael Jackson’s mouth. If I add all that up and press equal, I get the answer: bullfuckingshit.
I won’t believe it until Maury announces it, Detective La Toya tells me it’s so and Brandon Howard proves that he’s really a Jackson by doing what the Jacksons do best: sue a bitch for ridiculous amounts of money.
Although, after watching Brandon Howard’s video, I do get slight shades of MJ….
That kid is probably Joe Jackson’s son and that’s probably the meanest thing I’ve ever said about anyone.