Ronan Farrow Is Totally Frank Sinatra’s Son

On the left is a young Frank Sinatra, in the middle is his almost face twin Ronan Farrow and on the right is a teenage Woody Allen with an Eddie Munster pompadour. Everyone thought the dude on the right made the dude in the middle with Mia Farrow, but during an interview about her life in Vanity Fair, Mia said that there’s a possibility that Frank’s ole blue-eyed sperm got into her ovary egg and made Ronan. Can somebody please get expert psychic and spirit whisperer Sylvia Browne to tell Frank Sinatra’s ghost that he IS the father? via VF:

Farrow discusses her relationship with Frank Sinatra, telling Orth that Sinatra was the great love of her life, and says, “We never really split up.” When asked point-blank if her biological son with Woody Allen, Ronan Farrow, may actually be the son of Frank Sinatra, Farrow answers, “Possibly.” No DNA tests have been done. When Orth asks Nancy Sinatra Jr. about Ronan’s being treated as if he were a member of her family, Sinatra answers in an e-mail, “He is a big part of us, and we are blessed to have him in our lives.”

Ronan Farrow is 25 years old, so if Frank Sinatra is the father then he still had it when he was in his early 70s.

Ronan responded on Twitter with this perfect tweet:

Listen, we’re all *possibly* Frank Sinatra’s son.

— Ronan Farrow (@RonanFarrow) October 2, 2013

If Mia and Ronan really want to find out, they don’t need to bother with Maury or DNA tests or whatever. Ava Gardner once said that Frank Sinatra “only weighs 120, but 100 pounds is cock.” So, there’s only one real way to find out. Whip it out and throw it on the scale, Ronan!

And I don’t know how Ronan really feels about this… Because now that Woody Allen knows that Ronan probably isn’t his biological son, he’s going to try to fuck him.

Khloe Is Not A Kardashian, So Says Robert Kardashian’s Widow And Ex-Wife

Asking “Which Kuntrashian can you stomach the most?” is just like asking “Would you rather eat hyena diarrhea, armpit cheese or Ke$ha?“, but most hos would probably say that they can take Khloe Kuntrashian (she’s armpit cheese, by the way) the most. So because of this, many believe that Khloe does not have Kardashian blood running through her veins. Pimp Mama Kris has denied this a million times over, but Robert Kardashian’s ex-wife and widow claim that he told them he was NOT the father. I don’t know if I should be happy or sad that Maury’s team is trying to get DNA swabs from Chewbacca, Ludo from Labyrinth, Chyna and Andre the Giant’s corpse for a very special Kardashian episode for sweeps.

Jan Ashley married Robert Kardashian right after his marriage to Pimp Mama Kris shriveled into nothingness, and she tells Star Magazine that he confessed to her that he knew he wasn’t Khloe’s biological father.

“Khloe is not his kid — he told me that after we got married. He just kind of looked at me and said [it] like it was a matter of fact. He said, ‘Well, you know that Khloe’s not really a Kardashian, don’t you?’ And I said…’OK,’ and that was it.”

Robert’s widow, Ellen Kardashian, backs up Jan’s ESCANDALOSO words. According to Ellen, Robert told her that he wasn’t even dipping into Pimp Mama Kris’ kunt maker at the time Khloe was conceived. Pimp Mama Kris even admitted in her book that she screwed around with a side piece named Ryan around the time Khloe was made. Jan lays it out like this:

“Khloe brought it up all the time. She looked nothing like the rest. She was tall, had a different shape, light hair, curly hair. Didn’t look anything like the other three children. Robert did question the fact that Khloe was his. Any normal man would if they knew their wife had cheated on him. [But] he never would have considered a DNA test. He loved her very much.”

DISCLAIMER: Ellen Kardashian filed for Chapter 7 in 2010 and lost her home to foreclosure this past October. So if you want to, you can file all of this under: Taking A Page From Pimp Mama Kris’ Handbook On Shamelessly Whoring For Some Quick Coin.

It really doesn’t matter at this point if Robert isn’t Khloe’s biological father or if she’s the product of Pimp Mama Kris’ wild night at a sex party in Narnia. The damage has already been done. The Karkrashian trifecta is complete and there’s no going back. Besides, Robert Kardashian isn’t Kim, Kourtney or Khloe’s father anymore. After they drained the blood from their bodies and replaced their veins with water from the river of wailing, they became Lucifer’s daughters! And by Lucifer I mean Ryan Seacrest.

And here’s some pictures from last week of Khloe and Kim confusing the animals at the Dallas World Aquarium, because those two should be the ones in a cage.

“HA! HA! HA! Snookitina Eat You Now!”

Farm fresh foolery thickened the air at NBC’s Winter Press Tour in L.A. last night when the hos from The Voice came out looking like eight degrees of MESS.

We’ve got Xtina whose titties could use a pep talk and a shot of Prozac, because they look like they’re slowly sliding down into a deep depression. Sad chichis are sad. Then we’ve got Cee-Lo whose goatee makes him look like the evil fat midget baby of a T-Rex and Genghis Khan. Then there’s Adam Levine and his piece who look like they should be playing a game of patty cake with their flap jackets. And finally, there’s Blake Shelton and Slappy the Dummy Carson Daly making my gay gene shrivel down into the shape of a shrieking vulva by hugging on each other like that.

A MESS! Which button do I press to turn my chair the other way?