Jennifer Lopez Took Some Time Out Of Her Busy “Boy Next Door” Hustling Schedule To Throw A Little Shade At Mimi
At the same time, JLo’s titties took some time out of their busy schedule to pop out and remind you that JLo is still sexy. You know, just in case you’ve forgotten. JLo’s titties are on top of things like that. During a game of “Plead the Fifth” on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked living bottle of NARS Orgasm illuminator Jennifer Lopez if she only had one night in Las Vegas, who’s show would she rather see: the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels of Britney Spears or the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels Mariah Carey. I was hoping JLo would pull a Mimi and answer “Mariah Carey…Mariah Carey…I don’t know her“, but she didn’t, because JLo wanted to yank Mimi’s wig a little harder than that by answering:
“Britney, cause she dances.”
I was waiting for JLo to add “…unlike Mariah, who does nothing but lumber around the stage like a sedated moose”, but she didn’t, because subtlety is the name of the game when you’re throwing shade. Then again, maybe that was actually a reverse read on Brit Brit, since we all know the only “dancing” you’ll see at a Brit Brit show is that drunk-aunt-at-a-family-BBQ full-body sway thing she does.
Either way, I eagerly anticipate the moment Mimi wakes up from her 5 hour mid-afternoon glitter nap and realizes that shimmer-spackled hussy JLo is talking shit about her and is like “Bitch, I got moves. You ever see me trying to get into a pair of Spanx?”
But Mimi wasn’t the only person who got a free ride to the burn ward from JLo. Joining her was Marc Anthony, Casper Smart, and all the other busted-faced hos JLo has humped on. When asked to describe her type, JLo said:
“I’m not a looks person. I don’t know if you noticed over the years. I go more for essence, for strength…sexy is important, but I don’t feel like good looking is necessarily sexy. I thought they were all hot. Other people might be like, ‘What the hell was she thinking? but I don’t care.”
Upon hearing this, Skeletor hissed “How RUDE! I’ll have you know a lot of near-sighted sorceresses in Snake Mountain find me very good looking“. Unfortunately, Casper Smart was unavailable for comment, as he is currently serving as a face model at that hospital in the Twilight Zone. Hey, a check is a check.
TMZ says that four months after he admitted that the sparkle had started to dull on his once-shimmering marriage to living rhinestone Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon quietly filed walking papers on December 12th. Aaaand now we know what Nick got Mariah for Christmas: a divorce. TMZ says Nick filing on December 12th makes sense, because it was pretty much 10 days after Mimi held up the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree lighting ceremony with her messy divorce business. I’m guessing Nick filed first because Mimi was taking too long trying to find a Hello Kitty Bye Bye Marriage kit on Amazon.
And I’m shocked that it’s been a whole month since Nick filed for divorce and neither of them have started dragging each other in public. Now, I’ve never been a famous person who has filed for divorce from another famous person, but it’s my understanding that the second you slip those papers under the door of the I Quit This Bitch office at city hall, you are legally obligated to turn into a dramatic mess. Where are the vague passive-aggressive Tweets? The Facebook statuses that begin with “You think you know someone” and end with “…but I’m not here to start drama, so I refuse to get into it.” It’s not really a Hollywood divorce until someone calls a bitch out over Instagram.
Or maybe Mimi doesn’t have time to worry about what her ex is doing because she’s too busy counting all those sweet lazy lip synching dollars she’s getting for her residency in Las Vegas. According to TMZ, Mimi is getting paid some serious money. “Wait! Is it too late to take it back?” asked a desperate Nick Cannon.
Upon realizing that she may no longer be the drowsiest lip synching polyester-haired goddess on the strip, Britney Spears just panicked and chugged a 64oz 7-11 Double Gulp cup filled with Frapp syrup and Cheetos. Stop worrying, Brit Brit, there’s enough room and clip-in hair for both of you!
In an interview that will air later today, effervescent human butterfly Mariah Carey broke the news to Ellen DeGeneres that she just signed a residency deal with Caesars Palace where she’ll do a show inspired by her album Number 1′s. If you’re wondering why your dog is currently freaking the fuck out, it’s because he’s reacting to the sound of the Lambs screaming at a register that can only be recognized by canine ears. Mimi is sort of taking over for legendary poutine chanteuse Celine Dion while she steps away for a bit to take care of her sick husband.
Speaking of super fans, she also surprised a couple by dressing up in a French maid costume and pretending to be Caesars Palace housekeeping. My favorite is the dude at the 2:05 who looks like me when I go to Red Lobster and discover that the Endless Shrimp special is still on:
Mimi doing a Vegas show is a great idea, because they’ve got the kind of budget that can make miracles happen. Mimi doesn’t even have to technically be there at every show; they can film her in front of a green screen back stage in between naps and project a hologram during her “performance”. And if they really need her out there, they can just stuff her sleeping body in a harness and fly her around the stage Cirque du Soleil-style. The Lamb’s eyes will be too busy weeping glitter-dusted tears to notice that anything is off.
Here’s more of Mimi looking like a top-shelf bottle of Spanxed-up sophistication while leaving Craig’s restaurant in L.A. last night:
The Unicornie Butterfly Rainbow Princess, Mimi, was supposed to pre-record her performance of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” (aka the song that is going to keep her rich FOREVER) for NBC’s Christmas in Rockefeller Center last night, but some divorce business made her 3 hours late so it didn’t happen. NBC and Mimi decided she should do it live tonight instead and she definitely did it live.
Let me try to say something nice.
Well, Mimi’s contouring was flawless and if she wanted to look exactly like Roxxxy Andrews in the face, she pretty much nailed it. Um, what else? She looks like the Cowardly Lion’s bordello-owning sister and that’s a compliment. Um, the dancing kids seemed into it. Hmmm….That Rockefeller Prometheus statue looked hot as usual. What else? Um, that’s a pretty shade of red Mimi was wearing. And…um…
Oh fuck it, just cancel Christmas.
I know; there are several things wrong with that statement. First, Mariah Carey doesn’t turn into a gorgeous anything; Mariah Carey is already the most gorgeous creature that ever existed, the end. Second, $85,000? More like $0, because you can’t put a price on Mariah’s beauty. Third, since when does Mariah require a photographer? Every picture of Mariah released in the past 10 years has been the same one, just with different hair and makeup added in Photoshop. If anything, it takes $85,000 worth of Photoshop.
But according to TMZ, a photographer has filed a lawsuit against Mimi’s record label claiming that Mimi owes him several thousand dollars after she bailed on a photo shoot for her album cover. The photographer is suing for $150,000, which includes his fee, plus the following expenses: $65,391 for a stylist, $9,600 for a hair stylist, $7,200 for a makeup artist, and $2,400 for a manicurist. In response to the lawsuit, Mimi’s record label claims they never fully agreed on the terms of the contract, and they’ve pretty much told him to jog off.
Look, it doesn’t take a trip to Judge Judy to see that this lawsuit is bogus. That entire break-down is lies upon lies, because we all know what it really costs to get Mimi camera ready:
18lb tub of crushed saltwater pearl dust to be used as highlighter on her chichis – $27,000
Motion-activated Ambien dispenser – $900
Ambien – $40,928
Collection of gorgeous unicorn hair wigs – $60,203 each
An assistant dressed as Hello Kitty to hand-feed Mimi her lunch – $350 for the costume, $0 for the assistant (she gets paid in Mimi’s love)
Post-shoot use of blur tool in Photoshop – Priceless
Then if there’s any money left over in the budget, it goes to purchasing a couple pairs of those glasses with eyes painted on the lenses to make it look like she’s still awake for when she eventually falls asleep mid-shoot. And to prove even further that Mimi doesn’t spend anywhere close to $85,000 on hair or makeup or styling, here’s Mimi performing in Australia yesterday:
I’m assuming that it’s illegal in Shanghai to run around pussy lips naked in public, because if it wasn’t the delicate, unicorn-voiced horny glitter butterfly that is Mimi would’ve performed at her show last night in nothing but heels, crotch-less Spanx and Hello Kitty nipple tassels. But since Mimi abides by all laws she kept it conservative and demure by wearing an easy-access, fuck-me prom dress co-designed by Trash Heap and GLAD. The Elusive Chanteuse continued to elude clothes when she performed at the Hongkou Soccer Stadium in a stunning trash bag half-dress that was cut so high that one false move and everyone would’ve seen her Spanx-wrapped unicorn poon.
When I still lived in NYC and my sister worked at Rockefeller Center, I’d visit her for lunch sometimes and I’d regularly see a homeless woman bring high fashion couture to the streets by wearing a long gown made out of trash bags. As she stomped through the streets, her long, trash bag train would flow in the wind and it gave me Priscilla Queen of the Desert vibes. I’d like to think that one day while lounging at the top of her Tribeca castle, Mimi peeked into her pink crystal embedded telescope to scan the streets below to see how her subjects were doing and she spotted that trash bag gown and that’s what inspired this look. It goes without saying, but the homeless woman at Rockefeller wore it better.
In other Mimi news, she answered to the hos saying that she’s lost her voice by tweeting this video of her screeching out crystal clear garage door opening notes while “cleaning“:
1. Mimi can’t even fake clean right. But in her defense, picking up that vase and putting it down 4 seconds later is the most housework she’s doing in yeeeeeeeears, darling.
2. I took that “duuur-tay tank tops” comment as a diss to Nick Cannon.
3. Since I am now temporarily deaf as fuck, can somebody please call 911 and tell them that my dog packed all his shit in a sack on a stick and ran away from home for exposing him to that sound?
The audience at Mimi’s “The Elusive Chanteuse Show“in Tokyo, Japan on Saturday night was filled with cringing lambs, because instead of yodeling out high-pitched, glitter-covered musical notes of perfection, the Unicornie Rainbow Butterfly Empress nearly busted out of her cocoon of Spanx as she struggled to sing. I haven’t been this embarrassed by someone trying to hit high notes since my friend sent me a blurry, grainy cell phone video of me destroying the shit out of Radiohead’s “Creep” while drunkenly playing Rock Band.
As UsWeekly points out, yesterday clips of the Elusive Chanteuse struggling through several of her songs made the rounds. Mimi couldn’t hit some notes, forgot lyrics and her voice cracked a few times. She basically sounded like JLo when JLo sings live. Some of her fans defended her by saying that since her marriage to Nick Cannon is now a butchered carcass, the sads/booze are squeezing her vocal cords. Others blamed it on mic issues. But Mimi’s rep says that there were no issues and they’ve only heard good things from fans.
“The comments we have heard from the fans have been great!”
Mimi’s rep should’ve said that Mimi did hit all those high notes and the notes were so high that only dogs and angels could hear them.
Here’s another clip:
We all know what’s really going on here. As Mimi’s singing voice grows weaker, Ariana Grande Latte’s singing voice grows stronger. Ariana Grande is slowly stealing Mimi’s voice. Ariana Grande Latte must be stopped. She cannot be the new Supreme!
Nick Cannon did not take my advice and turn his enormously elegant “Mariah” tattoo into an altar to Marion Ross from Happy Days. But then again, Nick replaced the “Mariah” on his back with a gigantic Jesus tattoo and Marion Ross is a messiah, so maybe he took my advice after all.
Nick and Mimi have yet to file papers to legally put down their marriage, but she’s not on his back anymore. Nick Cannon celebrated his birthday early at Playhouse in Hollywood last night by pressing the play button on his iPod. During his set, Nick took off his top and took everyone to the Church of Potent Class by showing off the humongous ass Jesus tattoo on his back. Playhouse threw up a few videos of a topless Nick Cannon on Instagram and The Daily Mail says that the blurriness on his back is a tattoo of Jesus on the cross. I can’t really make out Nick’s Jesus tattoo, but maybe that’s a good thing.
TMZ says that Nick’s rumored side piece Amber Rose was at Playhouse last night, but she was all over a different Nick. Random has a new favorite couple, because Amber left Playhouse with Gene Simmons’ son, the talk drink of tongue that is Nick Simmons. Amber only talked to Nick Cannon for a few and I’m guessing Nick told her that she should follow his lead and bible-ify the terrifying Wiz Khalifa tattoo on her arm by turning it into a stoned satyr tattoo.
I bet Mimi thinks Nick’s Jesus back tattoo is still a tribute to her. Because at the Hello Kitty Bible School, students are taught that in 1970, Jesus was reincarnated into a Long Island caterpillar and that caterpillar later transformed into a yodeling, glitter butterfly we all know as Mariah Carey. Mimi IS the second coming.
If you’re wondering how Mimi is doing. She’s doing more than fine. This morning, the Butterfly Hello Kitty Rainbow Unicornie Empress Instagramm’d a picture of her newest and truest soulmate:
If that bottle of Hello Kitty champagne came in a Spanx carrying bag, it would be Mimi’s trifecta of perfection. Nick who? Mimi has already moved onto her real love.
The meth-faced flamingo Frankie Grande will tell you that his sister Ariana Grande Latte is the reigning Empress of Pop and that the bottoms of her Bratz shoes are covered with the hair of Beyonce and Madge because she’s standing on top of all of those bitches. But anybody else will say, “I think that’s my favorite font,” if you asked them what an Ariana Grande is. Ariana Grande Latte has a few hits and her songs are currently the most requested songs at every preschool prom, but she’s still ten billion years away from being the legend she thinks she is in her delusional Sea Wees head. Bitch thinks she can act like Mimi when she’s got Hoku’s career (zero offense to legendary pop icon Hoku).
News.com.au says Ariana Grande Latte hit the “quit this bitch” button during a photo shoot with an Australian newspaper, because she didn’t like any of the pictures. Apparently, Chris Pavlich, a photographer for mX newspaper, was told that he wasn’t allowed to use any natural light and he was only allowed to shoot the left side of her face, because she truly thinks she’s the reincarnation of Mimi (even though Mimi’s still alive) and on her right cheek is the sign that Satan branded into her face when she made a pact with him to be the biggest star in the world!
It’s surprising that photographers are able to shoot any side of Ariana’s face since her head is shoved up her ass and nobody can pull it out because her wannabe Charo ponytail keeps getting in the way.
Ever since Nick Cannon started running his mouth off to the press about how his marriage is one flush away from going down the drain, Mariah Carey (seen here looking like if Rodeo Drive Vivian had a baby with Miss Piggy that grew up to be Carmen Sandiego if she quit the thief game and became a Real Housewife) hasn’t really had much to say. Why? Because Mimi is a classy, sophisticated silk floral arrangement who doesn’t go blabbing her life drama to anyone who will listen, or worse, staging tired publicity stunts in a desperate attempt to drag out the drama for as long as possible. No, Mimi is a refined lady, and she doesn’t need to resort to such low-class foolery.
Which is why she waited a full week before calling the paps to take some totally natural shots of her looking like an effortless high-society uptown Muppet diva while taking Dem Babies (who are technically Dem Toddlers now) out to lunch in New York. Mimi isn’t even divorced yet, and already she’s serving up some First Wives Club realness. Mimi is Brenda, Elise, AND Annie! Well, maybe not Annie. Maybe not Brenda or Elise either. Mimi is more like Phoebe, Shelly, and Duarto. Still hot! And, believe it or not, but she managed to get even hotter throughout the day. This is what Mimi looked like at lunch, and by dinner she was looking like this:
If that isn’t the face of a sassy day-drinking divorcee, I don’t know what is. Mimi’s right eye is all “I’m keeping an eye on you! Wink!” while her left is all “HALP ME, I’VE LOST MY PANTS.” Mimi at Mimi’s finest. Oh shit, imagine if Mimi made a vodka and named it Mimi’s Finest? I should be in marketing.
Here’s more of Mimi doing Sexy Single Manhattan Mommy Mimi yesterday in New York. She looks so dramatic! I feel like at any second, she’s going to storm into a courtroom in the 80s, point an exquisitely manicured fingernail at Nick Cannon and haughtily shout “I’ll see to it that you don’t get a dime!”