…and so am I, obviously.
It’s been over a week since Mariah Carey’s gigantic shit show hit Times Square and instead of letting the people forget about it, she and her manager Stella Bulochnikov keep bringing it up over and over again. I had no idea that Mimi was the type who after she takes a colossal shit in her toilet, texts you a picture of it and then brings it up again a week later over drinks…and again a week after that over dinner.
Pictured: Mariah Carey being mortified in Aspen.
It’s been a little over three days since 2016 ended with a BANG, which was the sound that was made when Mimi threw her microphone at a tech person’s head backstage after doing a reboot of Britney Spears’ 2007 VMAs performance. We’re still talking about it, because it’s either talk about that or think about Doomsday on January 20th.
After Mimi made 2016 a teensy bit better with her disastrous performance, she shrugged on Twitter by saying, “Shit happens.” Mimi had more words to say later and told Entertainment Weekly that if Dick Clark was still alive, he’d be on her side. But Our Lady of Measles, Jenny McCarthy, thinks that if Dick Clark was still alive, he’d be on their side.
After Mariah Carey perfectly ended 2016 with a rhinestone-embedded and Spanx-wrap train wreck in Times Square, the camera cut to that shady little Ghoulie Ryan Seacrest saying, “No matter what Mariah does, the crowd absolutely loves it.” I did give that shifty Bronzer-dipped toad points for throwing that tiny bit of shade. But after I gave him points, I wondered if the black sheep of the Keebler Elves snuck into the sound truck and used his little evil elf fingers to turn off the sound in Mimi’s earpiece. I mean, Ryan is partly responsible for unleashing the Kartrashians on us, so he knows all about how to pull shameless stunts for attention. Mimi and her people apparently think the same thing. They’re screaming SABOTAGE!
Mariah Carey was on Watch What Happens Live (via ET) last night to push her mostly boring reality show, and whenever the Spanx-wrapped unicorn and the shifty Siamese Cat get together, the clubhouse floor gets covered with shadiness. Mimi didn’t totally disappoint last night.
I’ve always suspected that when someone gets a job as a late-night network TV show host, their brains are replaced with a hard drive that causes them to feel zero human emotion and makes it possible for them to experience all kinds of annoying and embarrassing shit without cringing to death. My suspicions were confirmed with the video of James Corden singing out the Queen of Christmas’ All I Want For Christmas Is You over and over again during Carpool Karaoke on The Late Late Show. Okay, I know that technically Mary is the Queen of Christmas since without her, there would be no fucking Christmas. But did Mary co-write and sing a Christmas song that is played every hour on the hour in every damn drugstore from October to January? She did not. So Mary is like the Duchess of Christmas, or something.
Forget everything you thought you knew about health, wellness, and weight loss because Mariah Carey is about to take us all back to school. Borrowing from the Scandinavian edition of Karl Lagerfeld’s Restrictive Recipes, Mimi recently told E! News that her diet consists of salmon and capers and only salmon and capers. Sounds, uh, great…
You absolutely want to watch the full video of Mimi because she is in her full glory right now, henny. She didn’t drop a single “dahling” in this interview and she didn’t need to; her whole body from toe to tip read OVER IT in the most fabulous way.
“It’s really hard. My diet, you would hate it,” Carey told E! News recently while promoting the Dec. 4 premiere of her new E! docs-series Mariah’s World. “All you eat is Norwegian salmon and capers every day. That’s it.”
She clarified that she tries to focus on making sure she’s eating “the proteins” and that she hates it. This is basically what I imagined Mimi had been feeding her very expensive, purebred asshole cat that she may or may not own. When you start getting specific about the origin of your salmon you’re definitely in a tax bracket I do not share. But Lord, greasy fish and salty little berry things for every meal? Doesn’t sound like you’re getting the full range of vitamins and minerals, but what do I know? I ate a pan of Rice Krispie Treats last week.
I’m not sure we can say for sure that she ever lost it, but if she did, Mimi has definitely gotten her groove back now. Just LOOK at these pictures of her (finally) out and proud with her hot young back-up dancer boy toy. Tits! Stunts! Ennui!