Pink cloud dreamer Mariah Carey and her ex-husband, “dolorous” clown Nick Cannon, have been spending a ton of time together lately. They claim they’re just co-parenting the right way. “The right way” meaning, getting along for the sake of your kids and not dropping them off at the foot of the driveway due to the restraining order and wearing homemade “You’re A Terrible Parent” t-shirts.
Well, at least we’ll always have that magnificently acted scene from Mariah’s World that proved that Mimi and Bryan Tanaka are the Katharine Hepburn and Sir Laurence Olivier of our time. Anybody who watched that scene isn’t surprised by this news, because Mimi and Bryan had as much heat as the opened box of baking soda that’s been sitting in the back of your refrigerator for 10 years and any relationship that has that much passion is destined to blow the hell up.
It’s been almost two months since Mariah Carey’s now-iconic bomb of a performance in Times Square, and most have moved on and the only time anyone ever really thinks about it is when they see it at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where it’s currently on display in the American Masterpieces Collection (no, it’s not, but it should be). But the glittery fart that Mimi dropped on New Year’s Eve is still on the minds of Rolling Stone and Mimi herself. And I’m glad it is, because when she talked about it with Rolling Stone, her butterfly mouth produced several verbal jewels, like how she’d die if she stepped into reality.
The world really is turning upside down, because on Saturday, Mariah Carey showed up to an event with most of her body covered. I hope that someone called for a paramedic and that the paramedic made sure she was really Mariah Carey and one hundred percent okay by asking her one vital question: Who is JLo and do you know her?
The truth is, Mimi kept her ensemble G-rated for the children. Mimi took her kids, Monroe and Moroccan, to the L.A. premiere of The Lego Batman Movie. While I am totally into Mimi’s “Peg Bundy after finally winning the lottery” look, it is weird seeing her walk around with pants on. I didn’t know that was possible. I always figured that if a stylist handed Mimi a pair of jeans and told her to put them on, she’d look at them all confused-like before putting her arms through the legs and wearing that shit like a shrug.
And honestly, if Mimi showed up to the Lego Batman Movie premiere in a jeans shrug and matching denim pasties, I’d still look at her and think, “Oh, I see Mimi kept it G-rated for a family movie.”
It’s official: every pitch meeting for a new Mariah Carey video starts with her saying, “Okay, so my tits are going to be out and I’m going to touch myself while butt humping a chair or whatever.” I bet the storyboards for a Mimi video are nothing but screen shots from Yandy.com.
If the world was a perfect and fair place, Mimi would get 10,000 Emmys for the bedazzled bomb she dropped in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. And she’d get another 10,000 Emmys for the Juilliard-worthy acting she does in this preview clip for the season finale of her “reality” show Mariah’s World. Not since Glitter…..
Mimi’s scene partner is her current dancing boy toy Bryan Tanaka and she should really raise his weekly allowance, because he’s able to stand solid as she tries to knock him over with the complicated layers of raw emotion pouring out of her. But seriously, everyone is comparing this scene to a soap opera. Those people have obviously never seen a soap opera, because this shit makes an episode of General Hospital look like something on PBS starring Dame Maggie Smith. This is the kind of acting you’d get from two 9th graders who were forced to take drama because it was the only elective available.
It’s perfection from Bryan looking like he’s about to break “character” to Mimi looking like she’s going to scream “LINE!” to the end when a production assistant puts a stop to the awkwardness by turning on the sprinklers. This is acting:
Even those fishnet-trapped chichis are giving it their all. And what’s really impressive is that Mimi manages to stand on her own for almost two minutes. I don’t think that’s ever happened before. She truly is suffering for her art!