Category: Mariah Carey

The Photoshop Lifetime Achievement Awards: Mimi’s New Album Cover

April 13, 2015 / Posted by:

If there was a Harpo, Who Dis Woman Museum, this fairy tale of a picture would be the crown jewel in its collection.

You can always count on the reigning Empress of Photoshop, Mimi, to keep Adobe in business by using every copy of Photoshop to make her latest album cover. When I opened Photoshop the other day, it immediately quit on me and now I know way. All of its energy was spent on making this album cover look like an oil paining portrait of a Mariah Carey wax figure that was made in the late 90s. This shit looks like Big Ang posing a fun house mirror. It looks like they just copy + pasted a different dress on the cover for Mimi’s #1′s album from 1998.

Yesterday, the Butterfly Unicornie Hello Kitty Rainbow Princess released the cover art for her newest greatest hits album called #1 To Infinity. That cover was Photoshopped to infinity and beyond. But you know, it wouldn’t be a Mimi album cover if it didn’t have more special effects than a James Cameron movie. Mimi truly is a grand master catfisher and the Patron Saint of Adobe.

And here’s the real Mimi in NYC the other day.

Pics: Splash

Mariah Carey Might Be Dating Brett Ratner

March 29, 2015 / Posted by:

I’d be insulted if my girlfriend had to don a special glove to touch me. Can you really blame her, though, lambs? Hello Kitty’s main bitch Mariah Carey and the cheated-in-the-crotch as well as in-the-personality director Brett Ratner are reportedly an item. He’s directed a couple of her videos, and they’ve apparently been friends for awhile.

There’s a really charming pic of them on TMZ. Mimi looks embarrassed, but is still giving major leg while summoning a deckhand to emancipate Brett’s corpulent’n’ drunk ass off her. Ratner normally looks like what would happen if an 8ball came to life. In this pic, he’s paying homage to every completely sauced messcake who has spied some cleavage and begun imagining he doesn’t reek of trouble or represent regret. “Hi baby, shu wanna buy you a cocktail? How bout’ it? What? You got nice boobies, though. Aw come on, don’t be like that. Bish.” *passes out, strikes head on deck, blood*

TMZ sez that pic was taken on Saturday on a billionaire friend of Ratner’s yacht in St. Barts. Brett’s 46 and Mimi’s 45, so they’re compatible age-wise. But can you even see her letting him in the penthouse? Does Lisa Frank make an at-home hazmat shower?

Check out some pics of them together from Ratner’s Instagram below.  Definitely check out a pic of the two of them with Courtney Love’s crazy ass. Maybe Courtney was looking for some acting tips from halfway-decent actor Mimi. Courtney’s junkie-ass “Elle Dallas” character lit up the screen on Empire! The only part of that bit I believed is when she convincingly fell over that dressing room ottoman whilst high. I guess they discussed Glitter and not Precious. *sad-face*


Mimi May Have Had Some Lip-Synch Struggles In Jamaica Last Night

January 31, 2015 / Posted by:

In between going through a divorce with Whatshisname and battling a butterfly-hating nanny who threw a lawsuit at her for getting fired for showing too much “affection” to the twin Hello Kittens after working 120 hours a week, Mimi fluttered off to Jamaica to fill the ears of her Jamaican lambs with her unicorn yodel and possibly give a lip-synch show that’d make RuPaul stop the track and tell her to sashay away immediately.

Mimi headlined the Jamaica Jazz & Blues Festival last night and I went through some of the videos this morning. In some videos, Mimi sang live and other than her Windsor Fashions dresses from the late 90s, it didn’t seem like she had that many issues. But then I read a post at O-Access Jamaica that claimed that some people were not happy, because when it came time for her to sing “Fantasy,” she said “fuck it” and lazily moved her mouth through it. The video is a struggle! It’s the music performance equivalent of trying to have ass sex without lube and using spit and lotion instead. It’s awkward, painful and Mimi is trying to smile through it. I don’t know what’s going on. It looks like she’s having issues with her earpiece and either the track is screwed up or her mouth is on a 15-second delay because shit just isn’t working. A deaf cat on novocaine could lip-synch better.

Meanwhile, Ariana Grande Latte was sticking pins into the ear of her Mariah Carey voodoo doll. That black magic Bratz doll will do anything to be the true Supreme.

When Christmas was nearly canceled because of Mimi’s messy performance of “All I Want For Christmas,” some whores screamed that she really just should’ve lip-synched that shit. And now whores are screaming at her for lip-synching so badly that she made Brit Brit look like she has her PhD in lip-synching from Drag U. What do bitches want from Mimi? Actually, I doubt Mimi gives three queefs. As long as the check clears and the private jet is stocked with champagne and puppies, she no care. Yes, I’m pretty sure Mimi’s rider states that her private jet must be stocked with fresh puppies.

Pics: Splash


Jennifer Lopez Took Some Time Out Of Her Busy “Boy Next Door” Hustling Schedule To Throw A Little Shade At Mimi

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

At the same time, JLo’s titties took some time out of their busy schedule to pop out and remind you that JLo is still sexy. You know, just in case you’ve forgotten. JLo’s titties are on top of things like that. During a game of “Plead the Fifth” on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked living bottle of NARS Orgasm illuminator Jennifer Lopez if she only had one night in Las Vegas, who’s show would she rather see: the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels of Britney Spears or the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels Mariah Carey. I was hoping JLo would pull a Mimi and answer “Mariah Carey…Mariah Carey…I don’t know her“, but she didn’t, because JLo wanted to yank Mimi’s wig a little harder than that by answering:

“Britney, cause she dances.”

I was waiting for JLo to add “…unlike Mariah, who does nothing but lumber around the stage like a sedated moose”, but she didn’t, because subtlety is the name of the game when you’re throwing shade. Then again, maybe that was actually a reverse read on Brit Brit, since we all know the only “dancing” you’ll see at a Brit Brit show is that drunk-aunt-at-a-family-BBQ full-body sway thing she does.

Either way, I eagerly anticipate the moment Mimi wakes up from her 5 hour mid-afternoon glitter nap and realizes that shimmer-spackled hussy JLo is talking shit about her and is like “Bitch, I got moves. You ever see me trying to get into a pair of Spanx?

But Mimi wasn’t the only person who got a free ride to the burn ward from JLo. Joining her was Marc Anthony, Casper Smart, and all the other busted-faced hos JLo has humped on. When asked to describe her type, JLo said:

“I’m not a looks person. I don’t know if you noticed over the years. I go more for essence, for strength…sexy is important, but I don’t feel like good looking is necessarily sexy. I thought they were all hot. Other people might be like, ‘What the hell was she thinking? but I don’t care.”

Upon hearing this, Skeletor hissed “How RUDE! I’ll have you know a lot of near-sighted sorceresses in Snake Mountain find me very good looking“. Unfortunately, Casper Smart was unavailable for comment, as he is currently serving as a face model at that hospital in the Twilight Zone. Hey, a check is a check.

Nick Cannon Beat Mimi To The Courthouse And Filed For Divorce First

January 16, 2015 / Posted by:

TMZ says that four months after he admitted that the sparkle had started to dull on his once-shimmering marriage to living rhinestone Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon quietly filed walking papers on December 12th. Aaaand now we know what Nick got Mariah for Christmas: a divorce. TMZ says Nick filing on December 12th makes sense, because it was pretty much 10 days after Mimi held up the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree lighting ceremony with her messy divorce business. I’m guessing Nick filed first because Mimi was taking too long trying to find a Hello Kitty Bye Bye Marriage kit on Amazon.

And I’m shocked that it’s been a whole month since Nick filed for divorce and neither of them have started dragging each other in public. Now, I’ve never been a famous person who has filed for divorce from another famous person, but it’s my understanding that the second you slip those papers under the door of the I Quit This Bitch office at city hall, you are legally obligated to turn into a dramatic mess. Where are the vague passive-aggressive Tweets? The Facebook statuses that begin with “You think you know someone” and end with “…but I’m not here to start drama, so I refuse to get into it.” It’s not really a Hollywood divorce until someone calls a bitch out over Instagram.

Or maybe Mimi doesn’t have time to worry about what her ex is doing because she’s too busy counting all those sweet lazy lip synching dollars she’s getting for her residency in Las Vegas. According to TMZ, Mimi is getting paid some serious money. “Wait! Is it too late to take it back?” asked a desperate Nick Cannon.

Mimi Got A Job In Las Vegas

January 15, 2015 / Posted by:

Upon realizing that she may no longer be the drowsiest lip synching polyester-haired goddess on the strip, Britney Spears just panicked and chugged a 64oz 7-11 Double Gulp cup filled with Frapp syrup and Cheetos. Stop worrying, Brit Brit, there’s enough room and clip-in hair for both of you!

In an interview that will air later today, effervescent human butterfly Mariah Carey broke the news to Ellen DeGeneres that she just signed a residency deal with Caesars Palace where she’ll do a show inspired by her album Number 1′s. If you’re wondering why your dog is currently freaking the fuck out, it’s because he’s reacting to the sound of the Lambs screaming at a register that can only be recognized by canine ears. Mimi is sort of taking over for legendary poutine chanteuse Celine Dion while she steps away for a bit to take care of her sick husband.

Speaking of super fans, she also surprised a couple by dressing up in a French maid costume and pretending to be Caesars Palace housekeeping. My favorite is the dude at the 2:05 who looks like me when I go to Red Lobster and discover that the Endless Shrimp special is still on:

Mimi doing a Vegas show is a great idea, because they’ve got the kind of budget that can make miracles happen. Mimi doesn’t even have to technically be there at every show; they can film her in front of a green screen back stage in between naps and project a hologram during her “performance”. And if they really need her out there, they can just stuff her sleeping body in a harness and fly her around the stage Cirque du Soleil-style. The Lamb’s eyes will be too busy weeping glitter-dusted tears to notice that anything is off.

Here’s more of Mimi looking like a top-shelf bottle of Spanxed-up sophistication while leaving Craig’s restaurant in L.A. last night:

Pics: Splash

So, Mimi Sang Live At The Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting Tonight……

December 3, 2014 / Posted by:

The Unicornie Butterfly Rainbow Princess, Mimi, was supposed to pre-record her performance of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” (aka the song that is going to keep her rich FOREVER) for NBC’s Christmas in Rockefeller Center last night, but some divorce business made her 3 hours late so it didn’t happen. NBC and Mimi decided she should do it live tonight instead and she definitely did it live.

Let me try to say something nice.

Well, Mimi’s contouring was flawless and if she wanted to look exactly like Roxxxy Andrews in the face, she pretty much nailed it. Um, what else? She looks like the Cowardly Lion’s bordello-owning sister and that’s a compliment. Um, the dancing kids seemed into it. Hmmm….That Rockefeller Prometheus statue looked hot as usual. What else? Um, that’s a pretty shade of red Mimi was wearing. And…um…

Oh fuck it, just cancel Christmas.

A Photographer Claims It Costs $85,000 To Turn Mariah Into A Gorgeous Beauty-Dipped Butterfly

November 3, 2014 / Posted by:

I know; there are several things wrong with that statement. First, Mariah Carey doesn’t turn into a gorgeous anything; Mariah Carey is already the most gorgeous creature that ever existed, the end. Second, $85,000? More like $0, because you can’t put a price on Mariah’s beauty. Third, since when does Mariah require a photographer? Every picture of Mariah released in the past 10 years has been the same one, just with different hair and makeup added in Photoshop. If anything, it takes $85,000 worth of Photoshop.

But according to TMZ, a photographer has filed a lawsuit against Mimi’s record label claiming that Mimi owes him several thousand dollars after she bailed on a photo shoot for her album cover. The photographer is suing for $150,000, which includes his fee, plus the following expenses: $65,391 for a stylist, $9,600 for a hair stylist, $7,200 for a makeup artist, and $2,400 for a manicurist. In response to the lawsuit, Mimi’s record label claims they never fully agreed on the terms of the contract, and they’ve pretty much told him to jog off.

Look, it doesn’t take a trip to Judge Judy to see that this lawsuit is bogus. That entire break-down is lies upon lies, because we all know what it really costs to get Mimi camera ready:

18lb tub of crushed saltwater pearl dust to be used as highlighter on her chichis – $27,000
Motion-activated Ambien dispenser – $900
Ambien – $40,928
Collection of gorgeous unicorn hair wigs – $60,203 each
An assistant dressed as Hello Kitty to hand-feed Mimi her lunch – $350 for the costume, $0 for the assistant (she gets paid in Mimi’s love)
Post-shoot use of blur tool in Photoshop – Priceless

Then if there’s any money left over in the budget, it goes to purchasing a couple pairs of those glasses with eyes painted on the lenses to make it look like she’s still awake for when she eventually falls asleep mid-shoot. And to prove even further that Mimi doesn’t spend anywhere close to $85,000 on hair or makeup or styling, here’s Mimi performing in Australia yesterday:

Pics: Splash

Mimi Gives Shanghai Body And Glamour

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

I’m assuming that it’s illegal in Shanghai to run around pussy lips naked in public, because if it wasn’t the delicate, unicorn-voiced horny glitter butterfly that is Mimi would’ve performed at her show last night in nothing but heels, crotch-less Spanx and Hello Kitty nipple tassels. But since Mimi abides by all laws she kept it conservative and demure by wearing an easy-access, fuck-me prom dress co-designed by Trash Heap and GLAD. The Elusive Chanteuse continued to elude clothes when she performed at the Hongkou Soccer Stadium in a stunning trash bag half-dress that was cut so high that one false move and everyone would’ve seen her Spanx-wrapped unicorn poon.

When I still lived in NYC and my sister worked at Rockefeller Center, I’d visit her for lunch sometimes and I’d regularly see a homeless woman bring high fashion couture to the streets by wearing a long gown made out of trash bags. As she stomped through the streets, her long, trash bag train would flow in the wind and it gave me Priscilla Queen of the Desert vibes. I’d like to think that one day while lounging at the top of her Tribeca castle, Mimi peeked into her pink crystal embedded telescope to scan the streets below to see how her subjects were doing and she spotted that trash bag gown and that’s what inspired this look. It goes without saying, but the homeless woman at Rockefeller wore it better.

In other Mimi news, she answered to the hos saying that she’s lost her voice by tweeting this video of her screeching out crystal clear garage door opening notes while “cleaning“:

Three things:

1. Mimi can’t even fake clean right. But in her defense, picking up that vase and putting it down 4 seconds later is the most housework she’s doing in yeeeeeeeears, darling.

2. I took that “duuur-tay tank tops” comment as a diss to Nick Cannon.

3. Since I am now temporarily deaf as fuck, can somebody please call 911 and tell them that my dog packed all his shit in a sack on a stick and ran away from home for exposing him to that sound?

Pics: AP

The Elusive Chanteuse And The Case Of The Elusive High Notes

October 6, 2014 / Posted by:

The audience at Mimi’sThe Elusive Chanteuse Show“in Tokyo, Japan on Saturday night was filled with cringing lambs, because instead of yodeling out high-pitched, glitter-covered musical notes of perfection, the Unicornie Rainbow Butterfly Empress nearly busted out of her cocoon of Spanx as she struggled to sing. I haven’t been this embarrassed by someone trying to hit high notes since my friend sent me a blurry, grainy cell phone video of me destroying the shit out of Radiohead’sCreep” while drunkenly playing Rock Band.

As UsWeekly points out, yesterday clips of the Elusive Chanteuse struggling through several of her songs made the rounds. Mimi couldn’t hit some notes, forgot lyrics and her voice cracked a few times. She basically sounded like JLo when JLo sings live. Some of her fans defended her by saying that since her marriage to  Nick Cannon is now a butchered carcass, the sads/booze are squeezing her vocal cords. Others blamed it on mic issues. But Mimi’s rep says that there were no issues and they’ve only heard good things from fans.

“The comments we have heard from the fans have been great!”

Mimi’s rep should’ve said that Mimi did hit all those high notes and the notes were so high that only dogs and angels could hear them.

Here’s another clip:

We all know what’s really going on here. As Mimi’s singing voice grows weaker, Ariana Grande Latte’s singing voice grows stronger. Ariana Grande is slowly stealing Mimi’s voice. Ariana Grande Latte must be stopped. She cannot be the new Supreme!

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