Earlier I said that graphic artists must be rejoicing over Brit Brit Spears coming back with new music that she’ll maybe promote by posing in magazine photos that will need to be Photoshopped to the ends of the earth and back. But well, those smiles on the faces of graphic artists quickly turned to sad frowns when they saw this cover of Clash Magazine. Mariah Carey is looking way too real and I doubt she was even touched by one Photoshop tool. Mimi’s magazine covers can usually be found in the fiction section of Barnes & Nobles, but this one is going in the non-fiction section, because it is that real. Adobe stock is probably going to tank thanks to this!
But seriously, that cover is giving me “Promise of a New Day” Paula Abdul in a funhouse mirror. I can’t ever hate on Mimi, though, because she has to keep her crown as the Queen of Photoshop. I also can’t hate on her, because she’s teaching us a really good trick in that picture. When you really want to keep your “bad side” from ending up in the pictures, don’t even give the photographer a chance to capture it. Cover your bad side with your weave, and pose, pose, pose with carefree confidence, dahling!
And here’s Mimi living the opulent life while walking with Billionaire Shrek on David Geffen’s yacht in Ponza, Italy last week.
Ever since I watched a drunk chick artfully barf into a champagne flute during the brunch buffet at The Mirage, I’ve known that one of my favorite cities Las Vegas is the country’s epicenter of pure class. So the demure butterfly we all know as Mimi chose the perfect ensemble to wear during a night out in the class capital of America.
Mimi did herself up like the day-shift headliner of a truck stop strip club on the outskirts of Laughlin, NV to make her DJ debut at 1OAK. The thought of Mimi DJ’ing made me laugh, because I pictured her lounging on a velvet settee in front of a laptop and making her minion push the buttons for her as she sipped on pink champagne. But DJ Hello Titties actually stood up and wore headphones and everything! DJ Wonky McValtrex, who?!
But back to that stunning outfit… Jazz dancer tights + fishnets + garter belts = CLASSY OVERLOAD. Mimi outdid herself in the elegance department. She looks like the Cowardly Lion in Vanity cosplay and that is the look of all looks. And Mimi brought a double dose of glamour to 1OAK on Saturday night, because that manager everyone hates escorted her while looking like a Pussycat Doll who was fired from the group due to Nicole Scherzinger’s jealousy!
The last time we checked in with Nick Cannon, he was reportedly dragging his feet on signing the divorce papers to legally quit his marriage to Mariah Carey, thus further delaying her dream of becoming Mrs. Australian Billionaire. Then last week he released a song called “Divorce Papers“, which was about as subtle and nuanced as the Photoshopping on one of Mariah’s album covers.
In it, he alleges that the rumor he wouldn’t sign the papers was a lie. He also took plenty of shots at Mariah, which included such gems as: “But fuck my health, y’all felt I kept this shit held up over some motherfucking alimony? Now who phony” and “It’s fucked up that the time that you spend with your own kids is called visitation.”
TMZ says sources close to Mariah were confused by it. They claim Nick is allowed to see their twins whenever he wants. They also side-eyed how dramatic it was; they say Nick and Mariah get along well, and allege that the only person who is holding anything up is his lawyers.
At the end of “Divorce Papers,” Nick says, “Man, fuck it let’s sign these papers,” which is usually the kind of thing you’d say if you really want to be done with someone. But Nick would like you to know he didn’t spend his weekend on the phone with Demi Lovato gossiping about how much they hate Mariah. Nick posted the above picture on Instagram yesterday to show the “haters” that he spent Father’s Day with his mother and the woman he is supposedly not on divorce paper-signing terms with.
“Leaving the Haters in the Wind! LOL They want us to be mad so bad! @MariahCarey but we happier than happy! #HappyFathersDay”
“Haters in the Wind” sounds like a song written by grumpy current day Elton John that I really, really want to hear.
There’s still no word on whether or not Nick Cannon has signed those divorce papers. So that smile on Mariah’s face could be a real “I’m finally gonna be a billionaire’s bride!” smile. But it could also be an awkward secretly-pissed smile to cover up the fact that she’s spent the past three hours trying to get him to take a hint by “accidentally” dropping pink glitter pens around him.
I don’t know if Demi Lovato’s New Year’s resolution was to drag every popular female artist from the music industry into as many messy cat fights as possible, but it’s starting to look that way. So far in 2016, Demi has come for Taylor Swift, then Nicki Minaj, then Taylor Swift again. And now she’s starting a fight that includes Mariah Carey, Ariana Grande, and Jennifer Lopez.
In that picture above, it looks like happiness is covering Nick Cannon’s face (and who wouldn’t feel happiness while working a camouflage turban that is very “Norma Desmond as Private Benjamin”), but he’s apparently filled to the top with sadness over no longer inhaling the sweet scent of champagne and chocolate-covered strawberry farts as he sleeps next to his wife Mimi. (Side note: I don’t know if Nick has converted to Sikhism or if he’s just really trying to make the “non-religious man turban” look happen.)
It has been almost two years since Nick and Mimi broke up, and a year and a half since he filed for divorce. They had a prenup, so they apparently figured out a property settlement and custody arrangement right away. All Nick has to do is sign the divorce papers and he’ll officially become Mimi’s second ex-husband, but he just can’t bring himself to do it.
As anyone who has lost 3% of their vision in both eyes thanks to being blinded by the 16-ton diamond boulder on Mimi’s finger knows, she is going to get married to Aussie billionaire Shrek and she can’t wait to say the words, “I take you Billionaire Shrek to be my lawfully wedded, always-full ATM.” Nick even congratulated Mimi on getting engaged, but TMZ is hearing that he still loves her and doesn’t want her to marry James Packer. Mimi is pissed, because she wants to move on.
Something is going on with Nick Cannon. First, Nick Cannon, who makes MC Skat Kat look like Tupac, reached the tip of delusion by challenging his sometime-arch rival Eminem to a $100,000 rap battle, and now he’s not cutting the chains tied to The Butterfly One so she can flutter off and be with her beloved soulmate: a never-ending mountain range of money. Someone should really tell Nick that if he truly loves someone, he should set them free and if it was meant to be, they’ll flutter back. Although, nothing could pry Mimi off of her billionaire husband’s yacht, because I doubt she wants to go back to a life of paying all her own bills.
And here’s Nick at The Nice Guy a few nights ago and Mimi leaving Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills last week.
Hello Kitty’s human ambassador was on Watch What Happens Live last night, and she showed up late and made Andy Cohen switch chairs because she wanted the camera to get her good side, dahling. The diva had landed.
On WWHL last night, Mariah Carey didn’t have anything nice to say about her nemesis Nicki Minaj, she said that she and billionaire Shrek will sign a prenup before they get hitched and she got into the “I Don’t Know Her” meme that will never die and will long live forever. (Side note: I’m surprised the Bernie Bros. haven’t started an #IDontKnowHer campaign about Hillary Clinton.) When JLo was on WWHL in March, she made it sound like there’s zero drama between them. On last night’s episode, the shifty Siamese Cat once again asked the Diva’dley Lion if she knows “her” and no, Mimi still doesn’t know “her.”