Ever since Nick Cannon started running his mouth off to the press about how his marriage is one flush away from going down the drain, Mariah Carey (seen here looking like if Rodeo Drive Vivian had a baby with Miss Piggy that grew up to be Carmen Sandiego if she quit the thief game and became a Real Housewife) hasn’t really had much to say. Why? Because Mimi is a classy, sophisticated silk floral arrangement who doesn’t go blabbing her life drama to anyone who will listen, or worse, staging tired publicity stunts in a desperate attempt to drag out the drama for as long as possible. No, Mimi is a refined lady, and she doesn’t need to resort to such low-class foolery.
Which is why she waited a full week before calling the paps to take some totally natural shots of her looking like an effortless high-society uptown Muppet diva while taking Dem Babies (who are technically Dem Toddlers now) out to lunch in New York. Mimi isn’t even divorced yet, and already she’s serving up some First Wives Club realness. Mimi is Brenda, Elise, AND Annie! Well, maybe not Annie. Maybe not Brenda or Elise either. Mimi is more like Phoebe, Shelly, and Duarto. Still hot! And, believe it or not, but she managed to get even hotter throughout the day. This is what Mimi looked like at lunch, and by dinner she was looking like this:
If that isn’t the face of a sassy day-drinking divorcee, I don’t know what is. Mimi’s right eye is all “I’m keeping an eye on you! Wink!” while her left is all “HALP ME, I’VE LOST MY PANTS.” Mimi at Mimi’s finest. Oh shit, imagine if Mimi made a vodka and named it Mimi’s Finest? I should be in marketing.
Here’s more of Mimi doing Sexy Single Manhattan Mommy Mimi yesterday in New York. She looks so dramatic! I feel like at any second, she’s going to storm into a courtroom in the 80s, point an exquisitely manicured fingernail at Nick Cannon and haughtily shout “I’ll see to it that you don’t get a dime!”
By now, we all know that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon aren’t living together because their love is deader than dead and that it’s really only a matter of time before Mimi releases a dozen glitter-dipped strawberry-scented pink butterflies in a miniature Hello Kitty hot air balloon from her boudoir window to signal that her marriage is officially over. But until she finishes teaching the smartest butterfly how to operate a hot air balloon, she’s told Nick to keep his goddamn mouth shut regarding the whole thing.
TMZ says that Mimi is pissed that Nick ran his mouth to The Insider about their marriage, so she had her lawyer get together with Nick’s lawyer and draw up a confidentiality agreement preventing him from talking. Yes, it’s that one-sided; Mariah is too busy being an elegant princess-cut pink sapphire to gossip to the press about her impending divorce. But everyone knows that fucking Kim Kardashian puts you at risk for catching a major case of second-hand stupid, so Mimi thought it was best that Nick be given a little legal reminder that spilling the details of their divorce to the press before Mimi says it’s okay is a major no-no and to stick a glitter-covered sock it in. The agreement states that Mariah will be the one to announce their split and that there are “severe financial penalties” if Nick says anything before that.
I see what that sneaky Mimi is doing here. By banning Nick from saying anything about the divorce, she has the upper hand and can keep her mouth shut too. That way, she can be all “Divorce? What divorce?” and keep half her shit. There’s no way Nick is getting his greedy little hands on half of her Lollipop Bling dollars!
Nick Cannon tells The Insider’s Chris Spencer that some of the rumors about the state of his marriage to The Elusive Divorcee are true and some are not. Nick says it’s true that he is living in a different house than Mimi and their marriage is circling the toilet drain. But Nick says that he never passed his dick to a side piece while they were together and neither of them have cheated.
Chris said, “He said ‘yes, [they'r e] going through a rough patch. There’s nothing to do with infidelity.’ He didn’t confirm that it was over, but he did say that they’ve been living separately for a few months now.”
In other words, they hate each other, they don’t want to see each other’s faces and they’ll announce they’re officially done on the same day that she releases the reissue of The Emancipation of Mimi featuring “Shake It Off (The Divorce Remix).”
The good news for Nick is that he doesn’t have to spend hours, days and weeks getting that ridiculously fugly “Mariah” tattoo lasered off of his back. It kind of looks like “Marion,” so all he has to do is get a portrait tattoo of Marion Ross from Happy Days under it and his back becomes a beautiful altar to a TV legend!
Perfect and a total upgrade!
And if you can stand to see another ho do the Ice Bucket Challenge, click here to see Nick doing it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to do the bleach bucket challenge, because I actually got the tingles while looking at the douche from Love Don’t Cost A Thing without his top on.
Oh, those were the days when Nick Cannon knew his role as a loyal, purse-holding consort and Mimi and her extra plump butterfly lips were in a pink cloud of happiness from having a devoted husband who stood on the sidelines holding her strawberry cheesecake Lip Smackers for her while she basked in the spotlight and got all the attention. Sadly, those days are over and Mimi’s chunky camel toe has deflated with sadness, because her marriage has about as much oxygen left in it as that poor dog did after Mimi put it in the dryer for that legendary episode of Cribs. Mimi and Nick’s marriage is done and today TMZ says that the whore that broke the camel toe’s spirit was humanity’s most destructive skank plague Kim Kartrashian.
Yesterday, Page Six said that Mimi and Nick have been done with each other for a while and they’ve been living in separate places. TMZ says that they’ve been over since May and have already been working with divorce lawyers to divide up their shit and work out a custody agreement for #dembabies. TMZ’s source says that their marriage of 6 years started to shrivel up and die in March when Nick Cannon admitted on Big Boy’s radio show that he fucked Kim Kartrashian. Mimi felt like Nick humiliated her. (I thought she didn’t know what a Kardashian was!) That didn’t stop Nick from spilling out their business some more. He later told Howard Stern that Mimi didn’t let him up into her Hello Kitty until their wedding night, and that didn’t help things.
Mariah Carey And Nick Cannon’s Glitter-Coated Marriage Is Probably Dead And They’re Living In Seperate Houses
It feels like over the past 12 months, there have been a billion barely-even blind items (more like near-sighted items or items in which you might need a pair of cheaters and better lighting) that start with “Which cast member from The Nick Cannon Show might be splitting from his agelessly-glamorous butterfly muppet wife?”, but I kept ignoring them, because imagining Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon getting a divorce got me super bummed out for some reason. I know, I should NOT have admitted that out loud. My brain is very embarrassed for me right now.
But Page Six says the rumors are true and we should all prepare for a rhinestone-crusted meltdown sometime in the near future, because Mr. Mariah Carey and the human Diamond Candle are two-thirds of the way to a divorce. A source claims it all started when Mimi hired a security guard to keep an eye on Nick at a Las Vegas pool party and make sure that he stayed away from the booze, because apparently he goes sniffing for strange when he gets drunk, and she didn’t want him firing his trouser cannon into any random pool skanks. Eventually shit got too tense and he moved out of their home and into a hotel. The two haven’t been photographed together in months, Mimi hasn’t Instagrammed or tweeted anything about Nick since June, and they put their Bel Air mansion up for sale in July. Despite all this, Nick was spotted at a club on Monday night wearing his wedding ring.
On one hand, I never want to see anyone split up, because true love and soul mates and bla bla bla, but on the other hand, I do love watching a crazy trick try to get her groove back after a divorce. If Mimi is truly ready to rip-up the Hello Kitty marriage license she had custom-made from pressed pixie wings, then I cannot wait to see what kind of turbo-sexy a post-Nick Cannon she has in store. $10 says she wears nothing but bedazzled denim coochie cutters and a pink bikini top for an entire year.
On Friday, Mimi tweeted this picture with the caption “quality time with #dembabies” (Side note: Those babies are only 3-years-old and they’re already so politically active. I mean, choosing a political party at such a young age!) along with pictures of her twins and she looked so fresh and so skinny. But Buzzfeed, being the regular Detective La Toyas they are, somehow remembered seeing that picture years ago. That picture of a fresh and skinny Mimi was used in an episode of Oprah in 1997. Buzzfeed has accused the Empress of Fakery and Photoshop of trying to trick her lambs into thinking that a picture of her from 1997 is a picture of her today. Basically, Mimi IS my tia who cried and begged the DMV to not make her change her 10-year-old drivers license picture.
The picture of 1997 Mimi is on top of other pictures, so Mimi could’ve been spending quality time with her twins by working out their eye rolling muscles while showing them pictures from her glory days of when she was fresher, skinnier and selling 75k albums a minute instead of 75k a week. But I’m going to choose to believe that Mimi tried to trick her lambs with an old pic, because that’s a Mimi thing to do. Why pay your in-house Photoshop artiste $100 an hour when you can just use old pictures of herself? I hope Mimi goes all the way and tweets this tomorrow:
And then a couple of days after that, I hope she takes the fuckery even further by tweeting this:
No, Mimi would never do that. Look at the gut on that fetus. Mimi would make her Photoshop artiste use the Spanx tool on that fetus belly before tweeting it.
It’s been years, decades, centuries and eons since Mimi has taken the little train that takes the peasants to their cubicle jobs and I’m surprised she still knows what the subway is. I would’ve guessed that she completely forgot about the subway and she thought the white steam rising from the ground was from an underground smoke machine that was solely set up for her to have impromptu glamorous Instagram photo shoots in front of. (Note: You truly haven’t visited NYC until you’ve had a glamorous photo shoot in front of that nasty, subway steam.) Mimi only travels in an Escalade chariot with strawberry-scented Hello Kitty fur covering the seats. But since she’s got an album to sell, Mimi documented her ride on the 1 train to the Fresh Air Fund Gala in Chelsea last night.
While wearing the dress that your mom called “too skanky” when you two went shopping for prom dresses at Windsor Fashions in 1994, Mimi and her entourage got on the 1 train and she sat her Wuzzle ass on a seat that a homeless dude probably wiped his ass on hours earlier. Oh, the trials and tribulations of a diva trying to push copies of her album.
I don’t know if these pictures are real. I refuse to believe that Mimi will sit on a seat that isn’t wrapped in cashmere and hasn’t been stuffed with swan feathers. Mimi’s on-call Photoshop artist probably whipped up these pictures last night. Mimi tried to take the subway, but as soon as she got down there and realized that the train didn’t have a bar car or a primping car, she snapped her fingers and her minions carried her back up to safe land.
CORRECTION: That headline is dead wrong, because that technological wonder of an album cover is beyond Photoshop’s capabilities. That headline should read: Me. I am CGI’d. That’s better and much more factually correct.
The horny butterfly announced her 14th album last night and everything about it is ridiculous and one hundred percent Mimi from the fairy tale version of herself on that velvet painting cover to the title to the video explaining the title. It can only come from the Mr. Sketch-huffing 12-year-old trapped inside of Mimi. That cover must be what Mimi sees when she looks in the mirror, which makes sense since every mirror in her house is a Fun House mirror that stretches her legs into another dimension and makes her feets look bigger than Wonky McValtrex’s hooves. Mimi should really trademark that “sucking in and smelling my pits” pose since it’s her signature. The title is equally as ridiculous. The title is:
Me. I Am…. The Elusive Chanteuse
THE ELUSIVE CHANTEUSE!!!
What in Word For A Day calendar ridiculousness is that?! That sounds like the sub-title for the least popular Nancy Drew mystery. It sounds like the name of a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen straight-to-video detective movie from 1994. The Elusive Chanteuse is Carmen Sandiego’s arch rival. The words “elusive” and “chanteuse” (or “SHAWN-TOOS” as Mimi pronounces it) should never be used to describe her. The “elusive clothes wearer,” yes. The “batshit insane chanteuse,” definitely. But not the elusive chanteuse.
In a video explaining that title, Mimi says that people have been calling her that lately and by people she means the minions who were told by her to refer to her as the “elusive chanteuse” from now on. Mimi also says in the video that the she got the “Me. I Am” part from a self-portrait she drew of herself when she was 3. You know she totally drew that last week. The pack of Reds was a nice touch.
That self-portrait looks more like Mimi than that album cover does.
With all that being said, I love the title and the album cover. Only Mimi.
Here’s Photoshop’s most devoted customer on the cover of Wonderland’s May issue looking like a seasoned ho at the Bunny Ranch who is trying to keeping it one hundred percent sexy for her john while squeezing her butt cheeks for dear life because a fart is trying to leak out and touch someone’s nostrils. Mimi’s in-house staff of Photoshop’s artists obviously used every tool in the box to Photoshop her until she looked like a skinny pantyhose doll and that’s fine and everything, but they should’ve touched up that wonk eye while they were at it. Terry Richardson shot this, so Mimi’s probably got a touch of wonk eye, because 5 minutes before he took this picture he coated her eyeball with Jizzine. It’s Terry’s signature.
Sure, you can be jealous of Mimi for having a savings account that looks like the inside of Scrooge McDuck’s gold vault and for having the largest collection of Hello Kitty shit outside of Asia, but there’s a real reason to be jealous of the rainbow butterfly Wuzzle duchess. The name “Kardashian” has never passed through the unicorn queef bubble she lives in. The name “Kim Kardashian” is as foreign to Mimi as the word “no” is.
Mimi’s well-trained toy husband Nick Cannon was on Howard Stern yesterday whoring out his latest little project to remind people once again that he has jobs outside of being Mr. Mariah Carey (uh huh) and Howard brought up Kim Katrashian’s name. Howard said that Mimi was upset that Nick once stuck it in Kim’s 2nd Street Tunnel pussy, but Nick says that isn’t so, because she knows Kim as well as she knows JLo. via UsWeekly
“You know, I don’t think so, no. ‘Cause honestly, my wife, she don’t even know who Kim Kardashian is. She doesn’t pay attention to that. I think it was more about the fact…[that I spent] time on my past.”
You might’ve thrown a “Wuzzle,please” look at that statement since all of us can’t turn our heads without our cheeks brushing up against Kim’s greasy silicone factory of an ass and Mimi would make Nick throw shade so she doesn’t have to, but I actually believe this. Because here’s a comprehensive and accurate list of the people that Mariah Carey doesn’t know.
1. Everyone not named Mariah Carey. The end.
Mimi probably doesn’t even know who Nick Cannon is most of the time. Her life is like that 50 First Dates movie. Every morning, she wakes up, looks at Nick likes he’s a stranger and after he explains to her who he is, she says, “oh,” before staring at herself in the mirror above her bed for two hours.
And here’s Mimi posing with some tea while leaving Terry Richardson‘s studio in NYC last night. Mimi is truly a refined lady, because she made sure to wipe Uncle Terry’s jizz off of her glasses with that tissue paper before she came out to pose for those paps.