Some say that the Christmas season doesn’t officially start until someone gets stabbed while fighting over a $100 DVD at Walmart on Thanksgiving night. But I’ve always felt that the Christmas season doesn’t really begin until three pairs of Spanx on Mimi’s body are screaming for mercy as she yodels out high notes during some tree lighting somewhere. The festivities (read: getting drunk on peppermint schnapps and switching your regular lube to egg nog-scented) leading up to Baby Jesus’ born day can really begin now that Mimi has sung out “All I Want For Christmas Is You” (what fucking else?) while wrapped in a bedazzled Spandex cocoon at the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree lighting.
Those singing children are braver than me, because there’s no way I’d stand that close to Mimi. There’s a 99% chance those pairs of Spanx and that three-sizes-too-small dress will let go and let God, and rip apart sending rhinestones and pieces of Spandex flying everywhere. One of those flying rhinestones could blind a kid. But thankfully that didn’t happen and if it did, I’m sure they’ll edit it out of the final broadcast so it won’t ruin your holiday. Happy Mimimas!
More like “The Art of Letting Go of What Your Body Looks Like In Real Life.”
There’s a reason for why Mimi’s 6800-octave yodel welcomes you every time you open Photoshop and why the words “special thanks to our muse Mariah Carey” are on Photoshop’s credits. Photoshop needs Mimi to survive and Mimi needs Photoshop to survive. Mimi is the massage therapist dick to Photoshop’s Travolta b-hole. Mimi is the extra-glazed Krispy Kreme to Photoshop’s Chris Christie. Mimi is the Golden Girls marathon at 1am with a wad of Cinnamon Roll dough to Photoshop’s me. They are each other’s life blood. So of course, the cover of Mimi’s single for “The Art of Letting Go” is about 99% Adobe, 0.45% Mimi (that right eye might be her real eye) and 0.55% unicorn magic. That body belongs to Mimi as much as half of the shit in Lindsay Kleptohan’s closet belongs to her, but it’s hard to hate since Mimi is the sole reason why the children of Adobe employees ate dinner tonight. Mimi’s obsession with Photoshop is keeping Adobe alive and keep the children of Adobe employees fed!
And here’s Mimi with Patti LaBelle at BET’s Black Girls Rock event at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center in Newark on Saturday night. These pictures are meant to be viewed with Photoshop goggles on.
The Butterfly Unicornie Empress of the Rainbows was laid up in a Manhattan hospital for a quick second last night after she dislocated her shoulder on the set of the video for the remix of her song #Beautiful. I’d like to think that Mimi screwed up her should after she noticed her grade F, anorexic eyebrow situation in the mirror and grabbed a brow pencil a little too fast to add some meat to her brows.
Mimi’s rep Cindi Berger tells Page Six that Mimi was taken to the hospital and she let out a high-pitched yodel that broke the ear drums of all the lambs when a doctor reset her shoulder. Doctors told Mimi to stop running around acting horny for a second and lay down until her shoulder settles down or whatever. A source tells Page Six that Mimi’s bone popped out when she fell while trying to walk in her heels.
The failed Karate Kid that is Miguel was also on set, so we know what really happened here. Miguel, who’s got a black belt in dumbassery, did one of his high flying jump kicks and kicked the keeper of the lambs right in the shoulder. Miguel is a public menace and he must be stopped!
While standing in the middle of a set that looked like the chandelier section of a Lamps Plus, Mimi performed at the BET Awards last night and some say she earned a “sashay away” from RuPal for the lazy lip-synching show she gave. When hos accused Mimi of moving her lips to a track during the American Idol finale, she said “absolutely not, darlings,” but she hasn’t yet said anything about last night’s performance. But she doesn’t have to…
Anybody who can see things and hear things at the same time knows that the Unicornie Butterfly Rainbow Empress was lip-synching and that’s not what offends me. I’m offended that Mimi can’t lip-synch worth a damn. It’s like her sense of hearing is on a 3-second delay. A drunk deaf seal high on novocaine is probably better at lip-synching than Mimi is. Brit Brit would beat Mimi in a Lip-Synch For Your Life and Brit Brit just throws a piece of gum in her mouth, chews and hopes that the words match up with her moving mouth (or not, Brit don’t care).
Mimi lip-synching last night makes sense, though. Miguel was on stage and whenever Miguel’s on stage there’s more than a 50% chance that one or more of the tricks in the audience will be decapitated by him. If Mimi sang live, even more lives would’ve been in danger. As soon as she let out a high-pitched, 450-octave hyena screech, the chandeliers and the mic would’ve shattered, sending slivers of glass flying into the audience. Bitches would’ve gotten shanked. Mimi didn’t sing live, because she cares about the health and well being of her lambs. That shit was a safety precaution.
If you can’t see the YouTube above or want to see a video that doesn’t look like it was shot on a water-damaged hand crank camera, click here.
At any time of day, on any day of the week, you can close your eyes and know that somewhere in the world Mimi is running around all horny-like with her Hello Titty balls out. Every ho should take comfort in that.
Yesterday, the Unicornie Rainbow Empress of the Lambs Instagrammed pictures of her shooting a video in Italy in with brain damage inducer Miguel. And it isn’t a Mimi video unless she’s wearing something that makes it easy for her Wuzzle nipples to pop out at any second. That monokini looks like it was made using scraps from the old Slut Dress (NEVAH 4GET) and metal triangle protractors. That giant black arrow pointing to her butterfly cave is really what takes this look to the upper echelons of elegance.
And in other Mimi news, Troll Dupri tweeted that her next album is coming out on July 23rd and she’s calling it The Art Of Letting Go. TOO EASY.
Even a staged bitch brawl between a horny Wuzzle and the broken condom baby of a Madball and a Muppet on acid couldn’t bring American Idol’s ratings back up, so it’s no surprise that they’re letting go of their most expensive judges. Mimi announced today that she’s leaving American Idol (translation: FOX didn’t want to throw another $18 million check at her) and instead she’s going on a world tour where I’m sure she’ll have at least 3 wardrobe malfunctions and make the lambs cream until they’re dehydrated. Mimi re-tweeted this from her management company:
Then a quick minute later, Nicki Minaj also announced on Twitter that Idol’s crew members won’t have to wear special gas masks next season, because they won’t be subjected to the wig glue and toxic paint fumes that waft off of her.
Randy Jackson was kicked out the door a few weeks ago, so that leaves Keith Urban and Ryan Seacrest. There’s rumors that producers want an all-alumni judging panel next season and have already signed Jennifer Hudson and are trying to get Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken and/or Glamberace.
But for now, Ryan Seacrest and Keith Urban are all by themselves. They’re sitting on an empty stage and highlighting each other’s hair. Actually, I’d rather watch Gaycrest and Keith Urban highlight each other’s hair for an hour than watch American Idol.
I turned on the TV about halfway-ish through the American Idol finale last night and when the sight of Frankie Valli performing with the losing dudes hit my eyes, I immediately scrambled for safety by changing the channel to anything but that. I was one hundred percent sober and it was too much messiness for my eyes, ears and soul to take. The only gore I want to see on a Thursday night is Dr. Lecter making meat flan out of human bone marrow on Hannibal. But I probably should’ve kept watching that mess to catch the unicorn nightingale that is Mimi possibly lip-synch for her life!
While wearing Barbie’s Christmas time wedding gown circa 1987, Mimi coated the ear canals of her lambs with pixie dust when she sang a medley of some of her hits. The lambs ate it up with a Hello Kitty spoon, but some people on Twitter declared that Mimi’s lip-synch performance was so bad that a deaf baby high on Novocaine could’ve done a better lip-synch job. But Mimi’s reps tell Entertainment Tonight that she did yodel out organic musical notes and did not move her mouth to a track:
Well, ET can set the record straight as Mariah’s reps tell us she absolutely sang the entire medley — Vision of Love, Make It Happen, My All, Hero, We Belong Together and her new single #Beautiful — completely live! Not only that, but we hear she delighted the crowd in between live shots by singing additional hits.
To me, sometimes it looks like she’s really singing and other times it looks like she’s yawning while Windex-ing an imaginary window. Who knows and I doubt Mimi really cares. It’s only American Idol, bitch isn’t coming back next season and I’m sure her final paycheck from FOX cleared before she went onstage. Mimi is onto other things like overseeing the design of a giant replica of a unicorn’s anus for her and Nick to exchange their vows in front of on their fifth and a half wedding anniversary.
Here’s the chick who won, the chick who lost, a deranged chola Muppet and Glamberace at last night’s season finale party.
….And sexing herself up in a barn with chandeliers (????) in it.
Mimi and a cockatoo with a wave perm named Miguel released the video for their song #Beautiful (yes, the hashtag is part of the damn title) tonight and it’s classic Mimi. Mimi swats away flies while dry fapping on a bike and then she strip dances for Miguel in a fancy barn. When Mimi strip dances, she looks like a drunken calf trying to walk for the first time. The entire video kind of looks like a commercial for Crystal Light’s new line of mixes with ecstasy in them. Oh, Mimi, never stop acting like the horny butterfly you are.
When Mimi and Nick Cannon got married 5 years ago, I thought that their marriage would barely last 5 days or until the fairy dust they snorted before the ceremony wore off. My ass was way wrong, because 4 vow renewal ceremonies later, and here they are renewing their vows for the 5th time in a ceremony straight out of a 2nd grader’s story titled “Wut i Want Mi Wedingz 2 Luk Like.”
Since Mimi is a 12-year-old trapped in the body of an adult Wuzzle and her Hello Kitty Visa card has no limit on it, she renewed her vows in an over-the-top princess-themed ceremony at Disneyland in California last night. Mimi live-tweeted and live-Vined the glittery gayest vow renewal ceremony in history and she also invited Entertainment Tonight’s resident Barbie robot Nancy O’Dell.
Yesterday was also #DemBabies’ second birthday, so Mimi and Nick threw a party for them before they said “I doo doo” again in front of Sleeping Beauty’s Castle. Here’s a few of the rhinestone-embedded details from ET:
Carey slipped into a princess-inspired bridal gown for the event at the well-appointed Dream Suite, tucked away above the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction. From the suite, Mariah and Monroe were picked up in a horse-drawn Crystal Carriage that took them to Main Street, where they were greeted by Nick and Moroccan. They walked down the aisle as a family to Sleeping Beauty Castle, which served as the backdrop for the outdoor ceremony.
The twins sat in the front row to witness the vow renewals which were themed, “Do you believe in fairy tales?” Immediately after the ceremony, there was a burst of fireworks, a surprise for Carey.
The Royal Footman from Cinderella, Major Domo, served as Master of Ceremonies for the evening and escorted the approximately 250 guests to Fantasyland for a champagne toast and reception DJ’d by Cannon. The space was adorned with 15,000 blooms imported from South Africa, Holland and France, and 10,000 crystals. Guests were able to take advantage of the park being closed to the public and ride the famous Matterhorn Bobsleds, the King Arthur Carousel and peruse the Peter Pan and Snow White attractions.
At the end of the evening, Major Domo escorted guests back through the castle where the Crystal Carriage met the couple to return them to the Dream Suite.
They left out the part where Mimi stood under a hologram rainbow, bent over, pulled up her gown up and farted out a bunch of doves dressed like the Disney princesses.
Sometimes renewing your vows every year in a lavish ceremony eventually leads to you breaking your vows in a divorce ceremony (see: Heidi and Seal), but I still applaud Mimi for single-handedly keeping the wedding and imported South African bloom industries alive!
American Idol put the Unicornie Rainbow Empress of Happy Sunshine Hello Kitties on its judges’ panel this season, because they thought that she’d bring millions of eyeballs to their show and they’d be #1 again. The opposite happened. After the season premiere, the ratings started sagging lower than the extra-meaty fur dumplings on Simon Cowell’s chest and it’s making the producers and FOX freak out.
The Hollywood Reporter says that a few weeks ago, producers tried to shake things up by pushing Mimi out to bring JLo back. When Mimi found out about their scheme, her team of lawyers threatened to sue them and Ryan Seacrest started to cry thinking that his anal bleaching budget would be cut, so the producers backed off. They decided that once the season ends, they’ll replace Mimi, Nicki Minaj and possibly Randy Jackson and Keith Urban.
The producers thought that putting Mimi and Nicki at the same table would make the show’s ratings touch the rainbows, because who doesn’t love watching a shade-throwing fight between two Garanimals on acid? But a source says that viewers hate Mimi and Nicki’s dynamic and “the core viewer is a midwestern, Southern, older woman who is threatened by Nicki’s aggressiveness.”
FOX denied all of this and Idol’s producer Nigel Lythgoe told THR that he knows nothing of this.
I stopped regularly watching Idol after they dropped Paula Abdul, because it just wasn’t the same without that human Vicodin pill of a mess. It’s like showing up to a family gathering and finding out that your drunk auntie isn’t there. You sit there, eating cold chicken and overcooked rice with soggy carrots in it, but you just can’t have a good time without your drunk auntie falling into potted plants and calling you by your sister’s name.
After Paula left, Idol became all about the judges. I couldn’t even tell you the first names of the past 5 white dudes who won. Idol should just drop the singing part, reboot that mess and call it The Search For The Next American Idol Judge, because the behind-the-scenes crap sounds way more exciting than anything that happens on that stage.