Mimi’s Sweet Sweet Fantasy tour is currently scooting through Europe, and during a stop in Italy over the weekend, the Cowardly Lion’s glamorous first cousin took a picture of her making pizza in a brick oven while dressed like Rhonda Lee from Laverne & Shirley. By “making pizza,” I of course mean that Mimi did the most physical work she’s done in years by holding that wooden pizza paddle for 6 seconds while saying through her gritted teeth, “Take the damn picture before my arms fall off, dahling.”
And we better issue an AMBER ALERT on Mimi’s other leg. Either it’s hiding somewhere in that Zsa Zsa ass robe, or it got erased in a Photoshop-gone-wrong accident, or she had to have it amputated after it was overworked from walking more than 12 steps a day. If it’s the third guess, someone’s going to be filing an insurance claim real soon.
I don’t know how an insurance company came up with such an arbitrary number, since we all know the value of current-day Mariah Carey is $Priceless. But apparently they did and now some parts of her are insured for $70 million.
According to TMZ, Mimi’s Sweet Sweet Fantasy tour has been extended to South America, which means there’s a lot more money to be lost if Mimi were to, say, eat too many sour Hello Kitty gummis and damage her vocal cords, or pull a hamstring by catching her toes on the control top of her shimmer hose. So she took out a $35 million insurance policy on her voice and $35 million insurance policy on her legs.
Sources tell TMZ that Mimi’s monthly insurance premium is in the several-thousands of dollars range. But like it matters? Mariah is about to become Mrs. Australian Caveman Billionaire; the only monthly premium she has to worry about is her monthly delivery of premium pink champagne that she uses to fill her bathtub every morning.
Mariah’s body parts deserve only the largest of insurance policies, but it still seems a little odd to me that she’d chose to insure her voice and her legs. Mimi doesn’t always use her natural singing voice, and she barely uses her legs for walking. Even when she does walk on her own, she’s assisted by someone to make sure she doesn’t get the pill spins and take a tumble. So why does she need them insured for $70 million? This is all very suspicious…. I really hope this isn’t a shady insurance fraud scheme hatched by Mimi’s maybe-shady new manager, Stella Bulochnikov. I don’t want to hear about Mimi twisting both her ankles after “accidentally” falling down the stairs and being put on forced bed rest for the next 3 months. “Bed rest? Three months? Sign me up!” said an excited-for-regular-naps Mimi.
Right before Easter, Michael brought a true miracle to our attention – Mariah Carey walking on her own! We said praise be, cried, shouted out our devotion and knelt before the true queen of all that is pink, sparkly and of questionable taste. Even more miraculous were the semi-matte shine opaque pantyhose that may or may not have given her the ability to cross the pavement like the goddess she is. Well, now Mimi has blessed us all with even more panty elegance.
The Butterfly Empress instagrammed this adorable snap of her in Sweden. It’s pretty cold up there so that’s probably why she’s wearing a dark semi-sheer hose instead of a nude opaque. And probably why she had to keep her Hello Kitty covered up extra warm with a silky satin pair of demure little undies OVER the pantyhose. Take note, guys, this is how its done. Evening glamour is a subtle flash of leg, cloaked in a mystery topped off with a slightly naughty shimy shammy. I’d also be remiss were I not to mention the elegant gown she’s wearing. It’s the perfect length for anyone who may at any moment take flight to join her pixie fairy sisters in dancing with the butterflies and collecting honey dew drop jewels to then place upon their breasts. The next time someone tells you magic isn’t real, show them this picture. These tights even allowed her to tippy-toe up some stairs! Blessed! All of us, blessed!
A miracle greater than Jesus’ resurrection happened in London the other night. Mimi actually managed to walk a few steps on her own without any help from a full-time handler hired to be her human walking stick. If a naked Jesus was in the background juggling dragon babies breathing out rainbow-colored fire, you wouldn’t notice, because Mimi walking is a more miraculous sight.
While looking like a knock-off Barbie doll made by The Jim Henson Company, the Hello Kitty Lisa Frank empress of cotton candy glitter made her way to her show at the O2 Arena in London the other night. Mim mostly held onto her gentlemen-in-waiting, but there were special moments when she actually walked! Maybe Mimi got the power to walk on her own from those really hot sparkly pantyhose. That would make sense. I mean, my abuelita’s spanking hand seemed to get almost Hulk-like when she wore her church outfit: a sensible dress, extra thick support hose and open toe pumps. (You truly haven’t felt fear until an abuelita has raised her Hulk hand at you after you act a fool in church.)
Yup, it must be the pantyhose and now you know that superhero strength can be found in the hose section of JcPenney near you!
I don’t know Mariah Carey’s new manager (I literally “I don’t know her”), but I’m sort of leaning towards Team Entourage. I mean, look at the dog tags on that necklace; there isn’t a single Hello Kitty head made out of pave pink sapphires to be seen. Anyone who dares to wear such uninspired jewelry around Mimi clearly doesn’t have her client’s best interests in mind.
But back to Team Entourage. According to Page Six, several people in Mariah’s team have handed in their two weeks notice because they can’t stand her new manager, Stella Bulochnikov. Sources say Mimi’s business manager Michael Kane, international publicist Connie Filippello, domestic publicist Chris Chambers, tour manager Michael Richardson, travel manager Gaylin Winkler, and stylist Wilfredo Rosado (who designed Mimi’s gorgeous engagement ring) have all quit. That’s too bad, because if anyone should be working for glitter candy butterfly diva Mariah Carey, it’s a person named “Gaylin Winkler.”
Mimi hired Stella last year after they were introduced by Brett Ratner. That alone is technically reason enough for why you wouldn’t want to work with someone, but there are a bunch of reasons why Mimi’s crew quit. Sources say Stella is “toxic” and difficult to work with, adding that “seasoned executives in their profession don’t want to put up with her.” She also brought in her family to help manage Mimi’s career. Her former team is also side-eyeing Mimi’s choice to hire a “complete stranger” to manager her career. They’re also not crazy about Stella acting as the puppet master for Mariah’s upcoming reality show.
As for that reality show, a source tell Page Six that Stella is using the show to talk shit and spread lies about Mimi’s former employees. Apparently Mariah’s reality show is Stella’s own personal Burn Book. She has also allegedly changed the focus of the show. The show was supposed to be about Mariah’s shows in Las Vegas. But the source claims that Stella has turned it into a trashy pile of fakery. Okay, I’ve officially moved over to Team Stella. Not only is she the reason for why we’ve been given the greatest gift of our lifetimes, but she’s also the reason for why it will be an over-the-top dramatic mess. Thank you Stella! You truly do care about Mariah’s legacy.
Here’s Mariah looking like the Hogwarts PTA’s sexiest MILF while greeting her loyal subjects yesterday in Birmingham, England.
More magical moments like Mimi getting pushed around on a janky chair cart may soon hit our eyeballs, because UsWeekly and Page Six say that she’s currently shooting a reality show for E!. Mimi doing a reality show covers my stale soul with thick layers of glittery YES, because I have a feeling it’s going to be a glorious mess like her legendary Cribs episode. But all of those thick layers of glittery YES immediately got covered with skid marks of NO after I read that it’s for E!. Mimi should not put herself in the same basic cable family as the Kartrashians. Mimi’s reality show should be for Bravo since it’ll probably be like Real Housewives of LisaFrankLand.
Jennifer Garner already kicked Ben Affleck’s phoenix tattoo in the dick with a very simple “bless his heart,” and now it’s the other Jennifer’s turn to barf all over it.
One half of Bennifer 1.0 was on Watch What Happens Live last night and during a game of Plead the Fifth, Andy Cohen asked JLo to give her thoughts on the humongous phoenix tattoo that the definition of “mid-life crisis” shat up all over Ben’s back. JLo isn’t the one to be giving reviews on tattoos since her current rent-to-own piece, Casper the Friendly Gold Digger, has Marc Anthony’s face inked into his arm, but she did anyway. And anybody who has the ability to see would agree with her.
Everyone knows that walking is hard and when you’re Mariah Carey, walking is really hard. You try walking when a 6-sizes too small gown and 10 pairs of Spanx are squeezing your internal organs and you’ve got 45 pounds of face paint and a 2 ton diamond ring weighing you down. So this hilarious Instagram video (via Lainey Gossip) of the Hello Kitty unicornie one being wheeled around isn’t that surprising.
It looks like it was shot in the lobby of her show in Las Vegas during a performance. Since it would take her approximately 45 years to walk from one side of the theater to the other, one of her minions wheeled her as her ladies-in-waiting freshened up her beauty and kept a refreshing drink nearby just in case she wanted to quench her thirst. All hail the Anti-Walking Empress!
I’ve seen Mimi’s butterfly extravaganza in Las Vegas and she barely walks in that. If she wore a Fitbit, at the end of the day her stats would read: “Steps – Bitch didn’t even try.” The set designer came up with many creatives things for Mimi to lounge on. Mimi lounged on a jet ski, a car, a couch and a bed. Mimi is a lazy hero and is always having a seat. I can’t blame her for that. But I can blame her for that janky chariot. It looks like a chair sitting on a Costco flat bed cart. I can’t believe Mimi allowed herself to be seen on that thing. I would think that a swan like her would only be seen in a miniature version of Queen Elizabeth’s chariot. It must’ve been in the shop getting bedazzled and gold leafed.
There must have been some highly-skilled photographers at last night’s 2016 G’Day Los Angeles Gala, because it’s amazing that they were able to get such clear shots of Mimi’s tiny, little 35-carat $10 million engagement ring. I mean, she was obviously shy about showing it and it’s not like with every pose she struck, she made sure that every single photographer there got as many shots of it as possible. So kudos to those photographers for capturing such a rare moment!
The ethereal Wuzzle and James Packer got engaged a little over a week ago, and during the last 7 days she’s probably been holed up in her bedroom where she’s been cuddling with and making beautiful love to her true soulmate. No, not Billionaire Shrek. That ring! Mimi obviously loves that ring so much that if it had a butthole and asked her to play with it, she’d suck her finger wet and gladly go in. Mimi and that ring may be the greatest love story of our time.
I also love that she wore a sparkly black dress, because it makes her ring look like a giant planet of elegance floating in the middle of the galaxy. And don’t you dare throw hate at Mimi’s busted manicure situation. There’s a very good explanation for that. Now that she’s engaged to a billionaire, she only has her nails filled in with pink dolphin jizz and crushed-up diamonds. Mimi’s pink dolphin is obviously taking a while to cum, but she’ll have her nails filled in right after he does!
Because we all want to know what the one-time owner of a giant Mariah back tattoo thinks about Far Far Away’s upcoming royal wedding spectacular, Mariah Carey’s second husband Nick Cannon hopped on Instagram and congratulated his future ex-wife on her recent engagement to her billionaire boyfriend James Packer. Nick threw up a picture of himself lying in a hospital bed from an episode of Real Husbands of Hollywood with the words “It’s just a ring Nick…” (raise your hand if you also read that in Kevin Hart’s voice) along with a caption that read:
“Ha! This made me laugh out loud for real!!! HILARIOUS! #AllLove Congrats to @MariahCarey and James! May God Bless Your Future Union… #GreatPeople #GreatCouple“
For those of you thinking “DUH – I’d write the same thing if I was looking to score an invitation to a billionaire’s wedding“, E! says that Nick is legitimately happy for Mariah. A source says Nick didn’t know James was going to slip a gerbil-sized diamond on her finger, but he wasn’t that shocked, since he figured it would happen eventually. The source goes on to say that Mimi and Nick’s kids (excuse me, Dem Babies) like James and James treats them well, and that’s all he cares about.
Now, I don’t know if I’d respond to my ex-piece getting remarried with an LOL, but I don’t doubt that Nick did. I bet Nick started laughing the second he realized he was about to be replaced as the person Mimi calls when she needs help fishing a Hello Kitty doll out of her bathtub drain. “It’s James’ problem now! Hahahahaha!”