It’s been almost two months since Mariah Carey’s now-iconic bomb of a performance in Times Square, and most have moved on and the only time anyone ever really thinks about it is when they see it at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where it’s currently on display in the American Masterpieces Collection (no, it’s not, but it should be). But the glittery fart that Mimi dropped on New Year’s Eve is still on the minds of Rolling Stone and Mimi herself. And I’m glad it is, because when she talked about it with Rolling Stone, her butterfly mouth produced several verbal jewels, like how she’d die if she stepped into reality.
The world really is turning upside down, because on Saturday, Mariah Carey showed up to an event with most of her body covered. I hope that someone called for a paramedic and that the paramedic made sure she was really Mariah Carey and one hundred percent okay by asking her one vital question: Who is JLo and do you know her?
The truth is, Mimi kept her ensemble G-rated for the children. Mimi took her kids, Monroe and Moroccan, to the L.A. premiere of The Lego Batman Movie. While I am totally into Mimi’s “Peg Bundy after finally winning the lottery” look, it is weird seeing her walk around with pants on. I didn’t know that was possible. I always figured that if a stylist handed Mimi a pair of jeans and told her to put them on, she’d look at them all confused-like before putting her arms through the legs and wearing that shit like a shrug.
And honestly, if Mimi showed up to the Lego Batman Movie premiere in a jeans shrug and matching denim pasties, I’d still look at her and think, “Oh, I see Mimi kept it G-rated for a family movie.”
It’s official: every pitch meeting for a new Mariah Carey video starts with her saying, “Okay, so my tits are going to be out and I’m going to touch myself while butt humping a chair or whatever.” I bet the storyboards for a Mimi video are nothing but screen shots from Yandy.com.
If the world was a perfect and fair place, Mimi would get 10,000 Emmys for the bedazzled bomb she dropped in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. And she’d get another 10,000 Emmys for the Juilliard-worthy acting she does in this preview clip for the season finale of her “reality” show Mariah’s World. Not since Glitter…..
Mimi’s scene partner is her current dancing boy toy Bryan Tanaka and she should really raise his weekly allowance, because he’s able to stand solid as she tries to knock him over with the complicated layers of raw emotion pouring out of her. But seriously, everyone is comparing this scene to a soap opera. Those people have obviously never seen a soap opera, because this shit makes an episode of General Hospital look like something on PBS starring Dame Maggie Smith. This is the kind of acting you’d get from two 9th graders who were forced to take drama because it was the only elective available.
It’s perfection from Bryan looking like he’s about to break “character” to Mimi looking like she’s going to scream “LINE!” to the end when a production assistant puts a stop to the awkwardness by turning on the sprinklers. This is acting:
Even those fishnet-trapped chichis are giving it their all. And what’s really impressive is that Mimi manages to stand on her own for almost two minutes. I don’t think that’s ever happened before. She truly is suffering for her art!
…and so am I, obviously.
It’s been over a week since Mariah Carey’s gigantic shit show hit Times Square and instead of letting the people forget about it, she and her manager Stella Bulochnikov keep bringing it up over and over again. I had no idea that Mimi was the type who after she takes a colossal shit in her toilet, texts you a picture of it and then brings it up again a week later over drinks…and again a week after that over dinner.
Pictured: Mariah Carey being mortified in Aspen.
It’s been a little over three days since 2016 ended with a BANG, which was the sound that was made when Mimi threw her microphone at a tech person’s head backstage after doing a reboot of Britney Spears’ 2007 VMAs performance. We’re still talking about it, because it’s either talk about that or think about Doomsday on January 20th.
After Mimi made 2016 a teensy bit better with her disastrous performance, she shrugged on Twitter by saying, “Shit happens.” Mimi had more words to say later and told Entertainment Weekly that if Dick Clark was still alive, he’d be on her side. But Our Lady of Measles, Jenny McCarthy, thinks that if Dick Clark was still alive, he’d be on their side.