When I wrote my first post about the break-up between Mariah Carey and James Packer, I definitely forgot what year it was, because not one part of my brain thought that shit would make a sharp right turn on MESS Blvd. But dumb me forgot that in 2016, a celebrity break-up can’t happen without accusations of a trick acting a violent crazy mess. There were rumors that the Australian Herman Munster broke things off with the Empress of Photoshop because she cheated on him, spent too much of his money and was rude to his family. Mimi’s side is telling a much different story.
Everyone has the sads today. Humanity has the sads because we’ve been cheated out of video clips of Mariah Carey cooing out her vows (read: lyrics from one of her songs) while wearing a modest ensemble (read: a pink diamond-encrusted bodysuit with a 25-foot long train) and standing next to a witness (read: the real Lisa Frank) at the City Clerk’s Office (read: an exact replica of Cinderella’s Castle that she had built in her backyard). Hello Kitty has the sads because she won’t get to walk Mimi down the aisle anytime soon. And Mimi’s bank accounts have the sads, because now she has to spend her own money since she and Billionaire Shrek are done! For now, anyway.
When you think of Miley Cyrus, you immediately have to rinse your mouth out with industrial-strength Listerine since the taste of chipmunk smegma covers your tongue. But after you do that and think of Miley Cyrus again, you think of a serious artiste who is all about the art and her voice and isn’t at all about gimmicks or herself or what she’s wearing. Miley Cyrus thinks that of Miley Cyrus too! And Miley Cyrus is the complete opposite of Mariah Carey.
You probably spent your Thursday night lounging in your luxurious bathtub (a too-short tub that’s got an upside down Tupperware bowl over the drain because you lost the plug) filled with sumptuous bubbles (made with dish soap because you were out of Mr. Bubbles) while wearing multi-million dollar diamonds (a Fitbit that you were too lazy to take off). And guess what? So did Mimi!
After a long night of yodeling out new music in the studio, Mimi put on her casual bathin’ diamonds and got into the tub. I can hear you hating whores talking shit about Mimi’s eyelashes. Excuse you, but those aren’t fake eyelashes. Mimi’s eyelashes just naturally look like the brush on Barbie’s broom. Mimi posted that picture above on Instagram, as well as this one, which I’m sure is filter and Photoshop free.
That isn’t water from a ceiling bath filler. Flying above Mimi is a winged unicorn who is pissing into the tub after drinking 3 bottles of champagne. Champagne-infused unicorn piss is what keeps Mimi’s skin looking Photoshopped, dahling!
If you’re having too good of a Sunday and are looking for something to bum you all-the-way out, you’ve come to the right place!
As many people know, Mariah Carey and her older sister, Alison Carey, haven’t talked or had any contact with each other in years. Mimi reportedly cut off contact with Alison after she sold a story to The National Enquirer and threatened to write a tell-all. Alison has been open about her addiction to heroin and how she’s worked as a pussy peddler on-and-off for years. Alison is also HIV positive. Alison has to use the tabloids to get a message to her sister, and the last time she did that was back in March when she begged Mimi for money. Alison claimed that she survived a violent home invasion attack that left her needing brain surgery and a hip replacement. Alison asked Mimi for help. Alison reportedly inherited $1.6 million from their father Alfred Carey when he died in 2002, and she used some of the money to set up trust funds for her children. The rest she blew on the bad shit.
Alison is still in a bad way, because The Daily Freeman reports that 55-year-old Alison was arrested on Friday in Saugerties, NY after an investigation led to the police finding out that she was hooking out of a hotel room for a week.
Seen above giving you a “Jordache jean model in a mall fashion show circa 1983″ pose, Mimi once again slathered herself in biker slut glamour, and this time she did it to support her friend at an event for the Secretary-General of the United Nations. If you’re going to meet a dignitary from the UN, you should wear your most elegant ensemble and nothing is more elegant than leath-uh, open-toe ho stroll heels and a formal bra. It’s the lace bra that truly elevates this look to the height of opulence. It’s what Rizzo from Grease would wear if Rizzo became the First Lady of the United States.
Mimi’s friend Brett Ratner hosted an event at his L.A. house for the Secretary-General of the United Nations Ban Ki-moon. Vogue says that Ban Ki-moon went to Hollywood, because Brett’s production company RatPac is doing a show about the UN, and he also asked all the famous tricks in the room to help bring awareness to important issues:
Ban Ki-moon’s objective? To use the international reach of Hollywood creatives to shed light on global issues. RatPac announced a new TV miniseries, In Harm’s Way, that will feature the global work of the United Nations throughout history. Filmmaker and host Raymond has already begun his work on the first season, which will narrate the efforts of the organization during the U.N. East Timor crisis in 1999. This kind of narrative is key, according to Ban Ki-moon, to showing the efforts of the U.N. to an international audience. “You are the ones who can motivate,” remarked Ban Ki-moon, “you have the global reach.”
And when he said that last line, Mimi’s glitter-embedded ego throbbed so hard that her painted-on leather leggings split open, because in her head, she heard, “You, Mariah Carey, are the only one who can motivate, you are the only one with global reach.” And Mimi totally heard right, because that’s exactly what Ban Ki-moon meant.