The Unicornie Butterfly Rainbow Princess, Mimi, was supposed to pre-record her performance of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” (aka the song that is going to keep her rich FOREVER) for NBC’s Christmas in Rockefeller Center last night, but some divorce business made her 3 hours late so it didn’t happen. NBC and Mimi decided she should do it live tonight instead and she definitely did it live.
Let me try to say something nice.
Well, Mimi’s contouring was flawless and if she wanted to look exactly like Roxxxy Andrews in the face, she pretty much nailed it. Um, what else? She looks like the Cowardly Lion’s bordello-owning sister and that’s a compliment. Um, the dancing kids seemed into it. Hmmm….That Rockefeller Prometheus statue looked hot as usual. What else? Um, that’s a pretty shade of red Mimi was wearing. And…um…
Oh fuck it, just cancel Christmas.
I know; there are several things wrong with that statement. First, Mariah Carey doesn’t turn into a gorgeous anything; Mariah Carey is already the most gorgeous creature that ever existed, the end. Second, $85,000? More like $0, because you can’t put a price on Mariah’s beauty. Third, since when does Mariah require a photographer? Every picture of Mariah released in the past 10 years has been the same one, just with different hair and makeup added in Photoshop. If anything, it takes $85,000 worth of Photoshop.
But according to TMZ, a photographer has filed a lawsuit against Mimi’s record label claiming that Mimi owes him several thousand dollars after she bailed on a photo shoot for her album cover. The photographer is suing for $150,000, which includes his fee, plus the following expenses: $65,391 for a stylist, $9,600 for a hair stylist, $7,200 for a makeup artist, and $2,400 for a manicurist. In response to the lawsuit, Mimi’s record label claims they never fully agreed on the terms of the contract, and they’ve pretty much told him to jog off.
Look, it doesn’t take a trip to Judge Judy to see that this lawsuit is bogus. That entire break-down is lies upon lies, because we all know what it really costs to get Mimi camera ready:
18lb tub of crushed saltwater pearl dust to be used as highlighter on her chichis – $27,000
Motion-activated Ambien dispenser – $900
Ambien – $40,928
Collection of gorgeous unicorn hair wigs – $60,203 each
An assistant dressed as Hello Kitty to hand-feed Mimi her lunch – $350 for the costume, $0 for the assistant (she gets paid in Mimi’s love)
Post-shoot use of blur tool in Photoshop – Priceless
Then if there’s any money left over in the budget, it goes to purchasing a couple pairs of those glasses with eyes painted on the lenses to make it look like she’s still awake for when she eventually falls asleep mid-shoot. And to prove even further that Mimi doesn’t spend anywhere close to $85,000 on hair or makeup or styling, here’s Mimi performing in Australia yesterday:
I’m assuming that it’s illegal in Shanghai to run around pussy lips naked in public, because if it wasn’t the delicate, unicorn-voiced horny glitter butterfly that is Mimi would’ve performed at her show last night in nothing but heels, crotch-less Spanx and Hello Kitty nipple tassels. But since Mimi abides by all laws she kept it conservative and demure by wearing an easy-access, fuck-me prom dress co-designed by Trash Heap and GLAD. The Elusive Chanteuse continued to elude clothes when she performed at the Hongkou Soccer Stadium in a stunning trash bag half-dress that was cut so high that one false move and everyone would’ve seen her Spanx-wrapped unicorn poon.
When I still lived in NYC and my sister worked at Rockefeller Center, I’d visit her for lunch sometimes and I’d regularly see a homeless woman bring high fashion couture to the streets by wearing a long gown made out of trash bags. As she stomped through the streets, her long, trash bag train would flow in the wind and it gave me Priscilla Queen of the Desert vibes. I’d like to think that one day while lounging at the top of her Tribeca castle, Mimi peeked into her pink crystal embedded telescope to scan the streets below to see how her subjects were doing and she spotted that trash bag gown and that’s what inspired this look. It goes without saying, but the homeless woman at Rockefeller wore it better.
In other Mimi news, she answered to the hos saying that she’s lost her voice by tweeting this video of her screeching out crystal clear garage door opening notes while “cleaning“:
1. Mimi can’t even fake clean right. But in her defense, picking up that vase and putting it down 4 seconds later is the most housework she’s doing in yeeeeeeeears, darling.
2. I took that “duuur-tay tank tops” comment as a diss to Nick Cannon.
3. Since I am now temporarily deaf as fuck, can somebody please call 911 and tell them that my dog packed all his shit in a sack on a stick and ran away from home for exposing him to that sound?
The audience at Mimi’s “The Elusive Chanteuse Show“in Tokyo, Japan on Saturday night was filled with cringing lambs, because instead of yodeling out high-pitched, glitter-covered musical notes of perfection, the Unicornie Rainbow Butterfly Empress nearly busted out of her cocoon of Spanx as she struggled to sing. I haven’t been this embarrassed by someone trying to hit high notes since my friend sent me a blurry, grainy cell phone video of me destroying the shit out of Radiohead’s “Creep” while drunkenly playing Rock Band.
As UsWeekly points out, yesterday clips of the Elusive Chanteuse struggling through several of her songs made the rounds. Mimi couldn’t hit some notes, forgot lyrics and her voice cracked a few times. She basically sounded like JLo when JLo sings live. Some of her fans defended her by saying that since her marriage to Nick Cannon is now a butchered carcass, the sads/booze are squeezing her vocal cords. Others blamed it on mic issues. But Mimi’s rep says that there were no issues and they’ve only heard good things from fans.
“The comments we have heard from the fans have been great!”
Mimi’s rep should’ve said that Mimi did hit all those high notes and the notes were so high that only dogs and angels could hear them.
Here’s another clip:
We all know what’s really going on here. As Mimi’s singing voice grows weaker, Ariana Grande Latte’s singing voice grows stronger. Ariana Grande is slowly stealing Mimi’s voice. Ariana Grande Latte must be stopped. She cannot be the new Supreme!
Nick Cannon did not take my advice and turn his enormously elegant “Mariah” tattoo into an altar to Marion Ross from Happy Days. But then again, Nick replaced the “Mariah” on his back with a gigantic Jesus tattoo and Marion Ross is a messiah, so maybe he took my advice after all.
Nick and Mimi have yet to file papers to legally put down their marriage, but she’s not on his back anymore. Nick Cannon celebrated his birthday early at Playhouse in Hollywood last night by pressing the play button on his iPod. During his set, Nick took off his top and took everyone to the Church of Potent Class by showing off the humongous ass Jesus tattoo on his back. Playhouse threw up a few videos of a topless Nick Cannon on Instagram and The Daily Mail says that the blurriness on his back is a tattoo of Jesus on the cross. I can’t really make out Nick’s Jesus tattoo, but maybe that’s a good thing.
TMZ says that Nick’s rumored side piece Amber Rose was at Playhouse last night, but she was all over a different Nick. Random has a new favorite couple, because Amber left Playhouse with Gene Simmons’ son, the talk drink of tongue that is Nick Simmons. Amber only talked to Nick Cannon for a few and I’m guessing Nick told her that she should follow his lead and bible-ify the terrifying Wiz Khalifa tattoo on her arm by turning it into a stoned satyr tattoo.
I bet Mimi thinks Nick’s Jesus back tattoo is still a tribute to her. Because at the Hello Kitty Bible School, students are taught that in 1970, Jesus was reincarnated into a Long Island caterpillar and that caterpillar later transformed into a yodeling, glitter butterfly we all know as Mariah Carey. Mimi IS the second coming.
If you’re wondering how Mimi is doing. She’s doing more than fine. This morning, the Butterfly Hello Kitty Rainbow Unicornie Empress Instagramm’d a picture of her newest and truest soulmate:
If that bottle of Hello Kitty champagne came in a Spanx carrying bag, it would be Mimi’s trifecta of perfection. Nick who? Mimi has already moved onto her real love.
The meth-faced flamingo Frankie Grande will tell you that his sister Ariana Grande Latte is the reigning Empress of Pop and that the bottoms of her Bratz shoes are covered with the hair of Beyonce and Madge because she’s standing on top of all of those bitches. But anybody else will say, “I think that’s my favorite font,” if you asked them what an Ariana Grande is. Ariana Grande Latte has a few hits and her songs are currently the most requested songs at every preschool prom, but she’s still ten billion years away from being the legend she thinks she is in her delusional Sea Wees head. Bitch thinks she can act like Mimi when she’s got Hoku’s career (zero offense to legendary pop icon Hoku).
News.com.au says Ariana Grande Latte hit the “quit this bitch” button during a photo shoot with an Australian newspaper, because she didn’t like any of the pictures. Apparently, Chris Pavlich, a photographer for mX newspaper, was told that he wasn’t allowed to use any natural light and he was only allowed to shoot the left side of her face, because she truly thinks she’s the reincarnation of Mimi (even though Mimi’s still alive) and on her right cheek is the sign that Satan branded into her face when she made a pact with him to be the biggest star in the world!
It’s surprising that photographers are able to shoot any side of Ariana’s face since her head is shoved up her ass and nobody can pull it out because her wannabe Charo ponytail keeps getting in the way.
Ever since Nick Cannon started running his mouth off to the press about how his marriage is one flush away from going down the drain, Mariah Carey (seen here looking like if Rodeo Drive Vivian had a baby with Miss Piggy that grew up to be Carmen Sandiego if she quit the thief game and became a Real Housewife) hasn’t really had much to say. Why? Because Mimi is a classy, sophisticated silk floral arrangement who doesn’t go blabbing her life drama to anyone who will listen, or worse, staging tired publicity stunts in a desperate attempt to drag out the drama for as long as possible. No, Mimi is a refined lady, and she doesn’t need to resort to such low-class foolery.
Which is why she waited a full week before calling the paps to take some totally natural shots of her looking like an effortless high-society uptown Muppet diva while taking Dem Babies (who are technically Dem Toddlers now) out to lunch in New York. Mimi isn’t even divorced yet, and already she’s serving up some First Wives Club realness. Mimi is Brenda, Elise, AND Annie! Well, maybe not Annie. Maybe not Brenda or Elise either. Mimi is more like Phoebe, Shelly, and Duarto. Still hot! And, believe it or not, but she managed to get even hotter throughout the day. This is what Mimi looked like at lunch, and by dinner she was looking like this:
If that isn’t the face of a sassy day-drinking divorcee, I don’t know what is. Mimi’s right eye is all “I’m keeping an eye on you! Wink!” while her left is all “HALP ME, I’VE LOST MY PANTS.” Mimi at Mimi’s finest. Oh shit, imagine if Mimi made a vodka and named it Mimi’s Finest? I should be in marketing.
Here’s more of Mimi doing Sexy Single Manhattan Mommy Mimi yesterday in New York. She looks so dramatic! I feel like at any second, she’s going to storm into a courtroom in the 80s, point an exquisitely manicured fingernail at Nick Cannon and haughtily shout “I’ll see to it that you don’t get a dime!”
By now, we all know that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon aren’t living together because their love is deader than dead and that it’s really only a matter of time before Mimi releases a dozen glitter-dipped strawberry-scented pink butterflies in a miniature Hello Kitty hot air balloon from her boudoir window to signal that her marriage is officially over. But until she finishes teaching the smartest butterfly how to operate a hot air balloon, she’s told Nick to keep his goddamn mouth shut regarding the whole thing.
TMZ says that Mimi is pissed that Nick ran his mouth to The Insider about their marriage, so she had her lawyer get together with Nick’s lawyer and draw up a confidentiality agreement preventing him from talking. Yes, it’s that one-sided; Mariah is too busy being an elegant princess-cut pink sapphire to gossip to the press about her impending divorce. But everyone knows that fucking Kim Kardashian puts you at risk for catching a major case of second-hand stupid, so Mimi thought it was best that Nick be given a little legal reminder that spilling the details of their divorce to the press before Mimi says it’s okay is a major no-no and to stick a glitter-covered sock it in. The agreement states that Mariah will be the one to announce their split and that there are “severe financial penalties” if Nick says anything before that.
I see what that sneaky Mimi is doing here. By banning Nick from saying anything about the divorce, she has the upper hand and can keep her mouth shut too. That way, she can be all “Divorce? What divorce?” and keep half her shit. There’s no way Nick is getting his greedy little hands on half of her Lollipop Bling dollars!
Nick Cannon tells The Insider’s Chris Spencer that some of the rumors about the state of his marriage to The Elusive Divorcee are true and some are not. Nick says it’s true that he is living in a different house than Mimi and their marriage is circling the toilet drain. But Nick says that he never passed his dick to a side piece while they were together and neither of them have cheated.
Chris said, “He said ‘yes, [they'r e] going through a rough patch. There’s nothing to do with infidelity.’ He didn’t confirm that it was over, but he did say that they’ve been living separately for a few months now.”
In other words, they hate each other, they don’t want to see each other’s faces and they’ll announce they’re officially done on the same day that she releases the reissue of The Emancipation of Mimi featuring “Shake It Off (The Divorce Remix).”
The good news for Nick is that he doesn’t have to spend hours, days and weeks getting that ridiculously fugly “Mariah” tattoo lasered off of his back. It kind of looks like “Marion,” so all he has to do is get a portrait tattoo of Marion Ross from Happy Days under it and his back becomes a beautiful altar to a TV legend!
Perfect and a total upgrade!
And if you can stand to see another ho do the Ice Bucket Challenge, click here to see Nick doing it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to do the bleach bucket challenge, because I actually got the tingles while looking at the douche from Love Don’t Cost A Thing without his top on.
Oh, those were the days when Nick Cannon knew his role as a loyal, purse-holding consort and Mimi and her extra plump butterfly lips were in a pink cloud of happiness from having a devoted husband who stood on the sidelines holding her strawberry cheesecake Lip Smackers for her while she basked in the spotlight and got all the attention. Sadly, those days are over and Mimi’s chunky camel toe has deflated with sadness, because her marriage has about as much oxygen left in it as that poor dog did after Mimi put it in the dryer for that legendary episode of Cribs. Mimi and Nick’s marriage is done and today TMZ says that the whore that broke the camel toe’s spirit was humanity’s most destructive skank plague Kim Kartrashian.
Yesterday, Page Six said that Mimi and Nick have been done with each other for a while and they’ve been living in separate places. TMZ says that they’ve been over since May and have already been working with divorce lawyers to divide up their shit and work out a custody agreement for #dembabies. TMZ’s source says that their marriage of 6 years started to shrivel up and die in March when Nick Cannon admitted on Big Boy’s radio show that he fucked Kim Kartrashian. Mimi felt like Nick humiliated her. (I thought she didn’t know what a Kardashian was!) That didn’t stop Nick from spilling out their business some more. He later told Howard Stern that Mimi didn’t let him up into her Hello Kitty until their wedding night, and that didn’t help things.