Mimi and Australian billionaire Shrek (aka James Packer) made their “red carpet debut” as a couple at the NYC premiere of The Intern last night, and I’m sure you had to run away from the screen and immediately dunk your head in a bowl full of ice, because your skin nearly burnt off from the flaming heat rays wafting off of these two. Really, though, they have the sexual chemistry of a brother and a sister whose parents forced them to go to prom together. If Ross Mathews and Kim Davis were forced to pretend to be a couple for some reason, they’d probably exude more heat than these two.
From the pictures I saw, she barely looked at him, he stood to the side a lot and they were just all sorts of awkward and stiff. You know, now that I put it that way…. Maybe the lamb queen and grown-up Crabbie are perfect for each other. I mean, he has enough money to pay scientists to create an actual unicorn AND he knows to keep his ass to the side and let the human pink diamond get all of the shine. Dude knows his place. Yup, they’re going to last forever.
If you stare at Mimi’s Magic Eye dress long enough, you may see a sinking sailboat, which is a symbol of her relationship with her Australian billionaire, I guess.
My dog’s relationship with the piece of chicken-flavored rawhide that he’s been gnawing on for the past 2 days has gone on longer than Mimi’s relationship with Australian billionaire James Packer, but they’re still getting serious about getting married. It makes sense. Who cares if Mimi probably hasn’t met his family and turns into a human question mark when you ask her what his middle name is! The only thing she needs to know is that he has enough money to hire scientists to make her a real-life pink unicorn. SOLD! Who cares if James Packer’s brain turns off when you ask him what Mimi’s birthday is. The only thing he needs to know is that if he wants to get into Mimi’s Hello Pussy, he better put a 14 carat purple diamond ring on her ringer.
A source tells TMZ that Mimi and the come-to-life Minecraft character want to get engaged, but before they do, they’re going to meet with some spiritual leader. The source says that today, Mimi and James are taking his private jet to Israel to meet with a spiritual leader type whom he knows well. Once they do that, they’re going to hit the fast forward button on their marriage plans even though she’s still married to Nick Cannon.
James Packer was Tommy Girl’s best bitch for a minute and he stuck his tip in L. Ron Hubbard’s Thetan-covered asshole for a minute, so I’m picturing this “spiritual adviser” as John Travolta in a white gown with an e-meter. I wish Mimi would join Scientology. She’d bring that church of crazy down. While rambling about lambs and moments during her audit, the e-meter machine would explode and the walls would come crumbling down.
I’m sure this spiritual leader will tell them that they’re both crazy wrecks who need to slow down and that Mimi doesn’t need to get married in order to fuck. Ha. No, I’m sure this spiritual leader will tell Mimi that James Packer is her soulmate and they should unite their love before GOD and the spiritual leader will say that right after James slips him a blank check.
Here’s the ethereal Wuzzle and Frankenbillionaire strolling through Portofino, Italy yesterday.
The Butterly Unicornie Rainbow Pink Sparkle Empress is still luxuriating in Europe and today she Instagrammed this picture of Brian Grazer, some friends and her new man of approximately three seconds, Australian billionaire James Packer. If TMZ is right, James Packer’s orange Shrek-looking ass will go from being Mimi’s new boyfriend to her third husband. Mimi is showing Janet Jackson that she ain’t the only pop DIVA who can land billionaire peen.
As if you couldn’t tell by the picture above of Mariah Carey holding hands while strolling along some street in Italy like an assonnato farfalla principessa (sleepy butterfly princess), she has a new man in her life. And that man is Miranda Kerr’s former billionaire boyfriend James Packer. Yes, the same dude who once got into a sloppy front lawn fight with another billionaire over Miranda Kerr. Eh, still an upgrade from Brett Ratner.
Speaking of, TMZ says that Mariah and James (who I’d love to call Meatpacker, but I won’t) met through Brett Ratner. Sources say that James was really into Mariah, and started “pursuing” her for months. So basically, he sent a million Hello Kitty bouquets to her house, and when that didn’t work, he sent her a picture of his billionaire bank account balance. Since Mariah knows that pairs of pure gold Spanx don’t grow on trees, she agreed to go on a date. TMZ says Mariah and James are staying on his yacht, which is currently in Capri, Italy. After Capri, they’re going to Cannes and St. Tropez. Then they’ll swing by Jennifer Lopez’s beach house so she can shout, “HAHAHAHAHA! I’M FUCKING A BILLIONAIRE, BITCH,” through a megaphone.
Mariah’s not due back in Las Vegas until July 11th, but now that she’s a billionaire’s girlfriend, do we think she’ll even go back to Las Vegas? Her life is all champagne kisses and caviar-flavored Ambien naps now. She doesn’t need those paltry pennies from Vegas. She can get a real unicorn if she wants. I know unicorns don’t technically exist, but I’m sure James can get one. Billionaires always have access to weird shit like that.
Hello Kitty Party, Ecco the Dolphin and Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six (it has “rainbow” in the title, okay) are just a few titles I’d spit out if you asked me to guess which game Mariah Carey is now the face of. But I guess Mimi’s management team subscribes to the “A Check IS A Check” way of doing business, because she has pulled out her bubble gum-scented Mr. Sketch marker and signed her name on a contract to replace the pair of chichis with a face known as Kate Upton in all those Game of War ads. “Mimi Replaces Kate Upton As The Face of Game of War” is not some shit I expected to read today.
Mimi has probably went ahead and ordered several custom-made solid gold unicorn horn dildos, because TMZ says that the Game of War bitches are paying her 7 figures for just two days work. Mimi will shoot a 30-second commercial and she’ll also do other promo shoots for the game. A source tells TMZ that one of Mimi’s songs is going to be used in the commercial. I’m guessing the song they plan to use is “Infinity” since her last high note in that shit has the power to paralyze the strongest of men and bring down fortresses.
The shoot is going to take 2 days, but the post-production is probably going to take 2 weeks, if not more. Whoever is making that commercial is going to need to get the sturdiest and bravest special effects artistes in the game to work their CGI magic on Mimi’s body until she’s happy. Talk about a game of war. By the end, they’ll be screaming for mercy, and they will beg for their overworked fingers to be chopped off when Mimi calls and asks, “Dahling, just erase another 1/10th of an inch off of my right thumb.”
Here’s Kate Upton’s replacement walking on her own (THIS IS A FIRST!) in Paris during the last few days.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
The Hello Kitty Unicorn Butterfly Princess sang out “Vision of Love” and her Nick Cannon-dissing single “Infinity” at the Billboard Music Awards last night and after she took everyone to Costco by screaming out a high-note that sounded like a forklift, her longtime nemesis JLo clapped politely and made a face that said, “My hex is working.” (Meanwhile, Kylie Jenner was wondering where in the hell her obese gummy worm lips went. They look so regular-sized in that GIF.)
TMZ also has video of JLo scrolling through Instagram during part of Mimi’s performance. TMZ calls it “shade,” but I don’t think it’s shade. JLo was just doing a little business, that’s all. She was checking to see if her latest appliqués and pantyhose dress got enough attention. If it didn’t, she was planning to take it off backstage and come out wearing sequined nipple tassels and an elegant clit sock.
You probably read that headline, shrugged, said, “Makes sense,” to yourself and continued to live your life. Mimi’s best friend is a fabulous dolphin named Osborne, because of course Mimi’s best friend is a fabulous dolphin named Osborne.
Above is a 100% authentic picture of Mimi posing with her beautiful best friend Osborne. How dare you accuse me of Photoshopping that shit. That picture is as real and raw as any of Mimi’s album covers. A day after Mimi blinded the eyes of her devoted lambs with her sparkly sausage beauty, she spoke to the press about her residency at Caesar’s Palace. Mimi talked to Robin Leach and I’m surprised diamond dust didn’t cover the camera lens during their interview. Mimi and Robin Leach in the same space together is opulence personified.
At around the 2:16 mark in the video below, Robin Leach asks Mimi if she’s going to do any fun things in Vegas with her twins. Mimi tells him that she’s already taken them to see the tigers and they went to Siegfried & Roy’s Secret Garden where she met a faaaabulous dahl-phin named Osborne! Somewhere, Hello Kitty, a Lisa Frank unicorn, a glass of champagne, a bottle of Valium and all of her dogs are suffering from the sads, because they thought they were Mimi’s best friend forever.
That is an actual picture of Osborne above. Mimi isn’t lying. He really does look sassy. I’m sure Mimi and Osborne will make many beautiful memories together. She’ll buy them matching broken heart BFF pendants at Claire’s. She’ll make them friendship bracelets. And they’ll spend hours playing Girl Talk. But I’m sure it’ll end in tears and sadness. Mimi will dump Osborne the Fabulous Dahl-phin out of jealousy when she learns that his highest high note is higher than her highest high note.
And here’s Mimi getting smart with a reporter who asked her if her show is going to have back-up tracks. What the reporter really meant to ask was, “Bitch, are you going to lip-synch or not?” Mimi let the reporter know that anyone who questions her live singing skills can sing in the shower with her. The question is at the 0:47 mark.
Mimi just gave herself an idea. Mimi loves to be as naked as possible, so I’m sure that at some point during her show she’ll take off her clothes and sing under a glitter water shower while Osborne the Fabulous Dahl-phin twirls in a pool below her. Now THAT is some shit I want to see.
Seen above looking like her Photoshopped self queefed out her real self, Mariah Carey injected thirty gallons of modest sophistication into Las Vegas yesterday when she rode into Caesars Palace in a stunning chariot that is what Liberace would’ve driven if Liberace was one of Mary Kay’s top sales bitches in the Palm Springs area.
Mimi landed in Vegas yesterday to prepare for her 18-show residency at Caesars Palace, which stars May 6th, and she blessed her subjects with the sight of her in a studded pantyhose dress thing. That dress by L’eggs is so damn tight that if you put your ear to one of its seams, you’d hear the sound of it screeching for dear life and its screeches probably sound a lot like the high-pitched scream she lets out at the end of her Nick Cannon diss track. She looks like an overstuffed, studded bratwurst. As the lambs screamed their b-hole lips off for their queen, the non-lambs prepared to cover their eyes while hitting the ground, because they knew if Mimi stopped sucking in for a second to exhale, that too-tight, bedazzled casing would rip apart sending rhinestones and studs flying everywhere. I’m not sure if it would be hot or tragic to be able to tell people that you have to wear a glass eye because Mimi chose to exhale real quick.
But the real tragedy is that Frederick’s of Hollywood is dying a slow death so they probably won’t make a “look for less” version of this exquisite ensemble. So you’ll have to make it yourself using several old pairs of Spanx, a hot glue gun and macaronis spray painted gold.
It truly isn’t a picture of Mariah Carey unless you’re asking yourself, “Is that a picture of Mimi or a highly over-Photoshopped flyer for the Cowardly Lion’s drag debut as a JLo impersonator?”
The ear walls of the lambs are covered in candy-coated glitter today, because their yodeling god released the only new song on her compilation album #1 To Infinity, which has all 18 number of her number 1 hits on it. When you listen to Mimi’s new song “Infinity,” you’ll suddenly get a craving for an Ecto Cooler and Lay’s WOW Chips, because it’ll take you back to the 90s. “Infinity” sounds like a mash-up of every single Mimi song from the 90s. It also sounds like Mimi dropping a messy, sloppy, wet Hello Kitty shit all over Nick Cannon. I’m sure Mimi will try to say that this song has absolutely nothing to do with Nick Cannon, but if you play it backwards you’ll hear the sound of her saying, “Nick Cannon ain’t shit,” over and over again. Here’s just a few of the song’s lyrics. This shit reads like something you scribbled on your Pee Chee folder with a licorice-scented Mr. Sketch marker in homeroom after your boyfriend dumped you for that slut skank tramp hussy whore Leticia. In other words, I love these lyrics!
Name hold weight like kilos/ Boy, you actin’ so corny like Fritos/ Wouldn’t have none of that without me though
If life was a game you’re a free throw/ It’s nothing that you don’t already know
Is it lack of ice got you so cold?/ Have you ever felt this on your own?
Why you tryin’ to play like you’re so grown?/ Everything you own, boy, you still owe
Truthfully I’m through with this/ Why are we still doing this?/ Answer the phone like, “Who is this?”
Mimi’s name deserves to be on the list of history’s greatest poets next to William Blake and John Keats, because it takes a certified literary genius and true poetic mind to rhyme “kilos” with “Fritos.”
Here’s the song and lyric video, which looks like the aftermath of a truck full of MS Paint Desktop Icons crashing into a Lisa Frank folder:
That last note… It sounds like Ross Mathews on a roller coaster. I’m sure the fire department will knock on my door, because I’m sure my neighbor heard that screeching and thought it was my smoke detector going off. Thanks, Mimi.
If there was a Harpo, Who Dis Woman Museum, this fairy tale of a picture would be the crown jewel in its collection.
You can always count on the reigning Empress of Photoshop, Mimi, to keep Adobe in business by using every copy of Photoshop to make her latest album cover. When I opened Photoshop the other day, it immediately quit on me and now I know way. All of its energy was spent on making this album cover look like an oil paining portrait of a Mariah Carey wax figure that was made in the late 90s. This shit looks like Big Ang posing a fun house mirror. It looks like they just copy + pasted a different dress on the cover for Mimi’s #1’s album from 1998.
Yesterday, the Butterfly Unicornie Hello Kitty Rainbow Princess released the cover art for her newest greatest hits album called #1 To Infinity. That cover was Photoshopped to infinity and beyond. But you know, it wouldn’t be a Mimi album cover if it didn’t have more special effects than a James Cameron movie. Mimi truly is a grand master catfisher and the Patron Saint of Adobe.
And here’s the real Mimi in NYC the other day.