You probably spent your Thursday night lounging in your luxurious bathtub (a too-short tub that’s got an upside down Tupperware bowl over the drain because you lost the plug) filled with sumptuous bubbles (made with dish soap because you were out of Mr. Bubbles) while wearing multi-million dollar diamonds (a Fitbit that you were too lazy to take off). And guess what? So did Mimi!
After a long night of yodeling out new music in the studio, Mimi put on her casual bathin’ diamonds and got into the tub. I can hear you hating whores talking shit about Mimi’s eyelashes. Excuse you, but those aren’t fake eyelashes. Mimi’s eyelashes just naturally look like the brush on Barbie’s broom. Mimi posted that picture above on Instagram, as well as this one, which I’m sure is filter and Photoshop free.
That isn’t water from a ceiling bath filler. Flying above Mimi is a winged unicorn who is pissing into the tub after drinking 3 bottles of champagne. Champagne-infused unicorn piss is what keeps Mimi’s skin looking Photoshopped, dahling!
If you’re having too good of a Sunday and are looking for something to bum you all-the-way out, you’ve come to the right place!
As many people know, Mariah Carey and her older sister, Alison Carey, haven’t talked or had any contact with each other in years. Mimi reportedly cut off contact with Alison after she sold a story to The National Enquirer and threatened to write a tell-all. Alison has been open about her addiction to heroin and how she’s worked as a pussy peddler on-and-off for years. Alison is also HIV positive. Alison has to use the tabloids to get a message to her sister, and the last time she did that was back in March when she begged Mimi for money. Alison claimed that she survived a violent home invasion attack that left her needing brain surgery and a hip replacement. Alison asked Mimi for help. Alison reportedly inherited $1.6 million from their father Alfred Carey when he died in 2002, and she used some of the money to set up trust funds for her children. The rest she blew on the bad shit.
Alison is still in a bad way, because The Daily Freeman reports that 55-year-old Alison was arrested on Friday in Saugerties, NY after an investigation led to the police finding out that she was hooking out of a hotel room for a week.
Seen above giving you a “Jordache jean model in a mall fashion show circa 1983″ pose, Mimi once again slathered herself in biker slut glamour, and this time she did it to support her friend at an event for the Secretary-General of the United Nations. If you’re going to meet a dignitary from the UN, you should wear your most elegant ensemble and nothing is more elegant than leath-uh, open-toe ho stroll heels and a formal bra. It’s the lace bra that truly elevates this look to the height of opulence. It’s what Rizzo from Grease would wear if Rizzo became the First Lady of the United States.
Mimi’s friend Brett Ratner hosted an event at his L.A. house for the Secretary-General of the United Nations Ban Ki-moon. Vogue says that Ban Ki-moon went to Hollywood, because Brett’s production company RatPac is doing a show about the UN, and he also asked all the famous tricks in the room to help bring awareness to important issues:
Ban Ki-moon’s objective? To use the international reach of Hollywood creatives to shed light on global issues. RatPac announced a new TV miniseries, In Harm’s Way, that will feature the global work of the United Nations throughout history. Filmmaker and host Raymond has already begun his work on the first season, which will narrate the efforts of the organization during the U.N. East Timor crisis in 1999. This kind of narrative is key, according to Ban Ki-moon, to showing the efforts of the U.N. to an international audience. “You are the ones who can motivate,” remarked Ban Ki-moon, “you have the global reach.”
And when he said that last line, Mimi’s glitter-embedded ego throbbed so hard that her painted-on leather leggings split open, because in her head, she heard, “You, Mariah Carey, are the only one who can motivate, you are the only one with global reach.” And Mimi totally heard right, because that’s exactly what Ban Ki-moon meant.
Earlier I said that graphic artists must be rejoicing over Brit Brit Spears coming back with new music that she’ll maybe promote by posing in magazine photos that will need to be Photoshopped to the ends of the earth and back. But well, those smiles on the faces of graphic artists quickly turned to sad frowns when they saw this cover of Clash Magazine. Mariah Carey is looking way too real and I doubt she was even touched by one Photoshop tool. Mimi’s magazine covers can usually be found in the fiction section of Barnes & Nobles, but this one is going in the non-fiction section, because it is that real. Adobe stock is probably going to tank thanks to this!
But seriously, that cover is giving me “Promise of a New Day” Paula Abdul in a funhouse mirror. I can’t ever hate on Mimi, though, because she has to keep her crown as the Queen of Photoshop. I also can’t hate on her, because she’s teaching us a really good trick in that picture. When you really want to keep your “bad side” from ending up in the pictures, don’t even give the photographer a chance to capture it. Cover your bad side with your weave, and pose, pose, pose with carefree confidence, dahling!
And here’s Mimi living the opulent life while walking with Billionaire Shrek on David Geffen’s yacht in Ponza, Italy last week.
Ever since I watched a drunk chick artfully barf into a champagne flute during the brunch buffet at The Mirage, I’ve known that one of my favorite cities Las Vegas is the country’s epicenter of pure class. So the demure butterfly we all know as Mimi chose the perfect ensemble to wear during a night out in the class capital of America.
Mimi did herself up like the day-shift headliner of a truck stop strip club on the outskirts of Laughlin, NV to make her DJ debut at 1OAK. The thought of Mimi DJ’ing made me laugh, because I pictured her lounging on a velvet settee in front of a laptop and making her minion push the buttons for her as she sipped on pink champagne. But DJ Hello Titties actually stood up and wore headphones and everything! DJ Wonky McValtrex, who?!
But back to that stunning outfit… Jazz dancer tights + fishnets + garter belts = CLASSY OVERLOAD. Mimi outdid herself in the elegance department. She looks like the Cowardly Lion in Vanity cosplay and that is the look of all looks. And Mimi brought a double dose of glamour to 1OAK on Saturday night, because that manager everyone hates escorted her while looking like a Pussycat Doll who was fired from the group due to Nicole Scherzinger’s jealousy!
The last time we checked in with Nick Cannon, he was reportedly dragging his feet on signing the divorce papers to legally quit his marriage to Mariah Carey, thus further delaying her dream of becoming Mrs. Australian Billionaire. Then last week he released a song called “Divorce Papers“, which was about as subtle and nuanced as the Photoshopping on one of Mariah’s album covers.
In it, he alleges that the rumor he wouldn’t sign the papers was a lie. He also took plenty of shots at Mariah, which included such gems as: “But fuck my health, y’all felt I kept this shit held up over some motherfucking alimony? Now who phony” and “It’s fucked up that the time that you spend with your own kids is called visitation.”
TMZ says sources close to Mariah were confused by it. They claim Nick is allowed to see their twins whenever he wants. They also side-eyed how dramatic it was; they say Nick and Mariah get along well, and allege that the only person who is holding anything up is his lawyers.
At the end of “Divorce Papers,” Nick says, “Man, fuck it let’s sign these papers,” which is usually the kind of thing you’d say if you really want to be done with someone. But Nick would like you to know he didn’t spend his weekend on the phone with Demi Lovato gossiping about how much they hate Mariah. Nick posted the above picture on Instagram yesterday to show the “haters” that he spent Father’s Day with his mother and the woman he is supposedly not on divorce paper-signing terms with.
“Leaving the Haters in the Wind! LOL They want us to be mad so bad! @MariahCarey but we happier than happy! #HappyFathersDay”
“Haters in the Wind” sounds like a song written by grumpy current day Elton John that I really, really want to hear.
There’s still no word on whether or not Nick Cannon has signed those divorce papers. So that smile on Mariah’s face could be a real “I’m finally gonna be a billionaire’s bride!” smile. But it could also be an awkward secretly-pissed smile to cover up the fact that she’s spent the past three hours trying to get him to take a hint by “accidentally” dropping pink glitter pens around him.