Category: Mariah Carey

Mimi Took Her Extremely Modest Engagement Ring Out Last Night

January 29, 2016 / Posted by:

There must have been some highly-skilled photographers at last night’s 2016 G’Day Los Angeles Gala, because it’s amazing that they were able to get such clear shots of Mimi’s tiny, little 35-carat $10 million engagement ring. I mean, she was obviously shy about showing it and it’s not like with every pose she struck, she made sure that every single photographer there got as many shots of it as possible. So kudos to those photographers for capturing such a rare moment!

The ethereal Wuzzle and James Packer got engaged a little over a week ago, and during the last 7 days she’s probably been holed up in her bedroom where she’s been cuddling with and making beautiful love to her true soulmate. No, not Billionaire Shrek. That ring! Mimi obviously loves that ring so much that if it had a butthole and asked her to play with it, she’d suck her finger wet and gladly go in. Mimi and that ring may be the greatest love story of our time.

I also love that she wore a sparkly black dress, because it makes her ring look like a giant planet of elegance floating in the middle of the galaxy. And don’t you dare throw hate at Mimi’s busted manicure situation. There’s a very good explanation for that. Now that she’s engaged to a billionaire, she only has her nails filled in with pink dolphin jizz and crushed-up diamonds. Mimi’s pink dolphin is obviously taking a while to cum, but she’ll have her nails filled in right after he does!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

But How Does Nick Cannon Feel About Mimi’s Engagement?

January 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Because we all want to know what the one-time owner of a giant Mariah back tattoo thinks about Far Far Away’s upcoming royal wedding spectacular, Mariah Carey’s second husband Nick Cannon hopped on Instagram and congratulated his future ex-wife on her recent engagement to her billionaire boyfriend James Packer. Nick threw up a picture of himself lying in a hospital bed from an episode of Real Husbands of Hollywood with the words “It’s just a ring Nick…” (raise your hand if you also read that in Kevin Hart’s voice) along with a caption that read:

Ha! This made me laugh out loud for real!!! HILARIOUS! #AllLove Congrats to @MariahCarey and James! May God Bless Your Future Union… #GreatPeople #GreatCouple

For those of you thinking “DUH – I’d write the same thing if I was looking to score an invitation to a billionaire’s wedding“, E! says that Nick is legitimately happy for Mariah. A source says Nick didn’t know James was going to slip a gerbil-sized diamond on her finger, but he wasn’t that shocked, since he figured it would happen eventually. The source goes on to say that Mimi and Nick’s kids (excuse me, Dem Babies) like James and James treats them well, and that’s all he cares about.

Now, I don’t know if I’d respond to my ex-piece getting remarried with an LOL, but I don’t doubt that Nick did. I bet Nick started laughing the second he realized he was about to be replaced as the person Mimi calls when she needs help fishing a Hello Kitty doll out of her bathtub drain. “It’s James’ problem now! Hahahahaha!

Pic: Instagram

Break Out The Lisa Frank Wedding Invitations! Mimi And Her Billionaire Piece Are Engaged!

January 22, 2016 / Posted by:

The Butterfly Rainbow Unicornie Princess and Billionaire Shrek have been a thing for less than a year and in pictures they have the chemistry of a dehydrated rutabaga and wet tampon lint, but who cares! They’re still a perfect match, because James Packer is worth billions upon billions of dollars and Mariah Carey is the kind of luxurious swan who is bored with dipping into her own vault of millions to buy her own diamonds. Besides why buy diamonds when you can buy the entire diamond mine?

E! News reported last night that James Packer got on one knee and asked Mimi to be his third wife. He did it in front of her friends at the restaurant Eleven Madison Park in NYC. E! doesn’t have many details about the proposal ceremony, but since this is Mimi we’re talking about, I’m probably not exaggerating when I say that children in cherub costumes danced to one of her songs around her before buff dudes in pink angel costumes lifted her on a unicorn. The unicorn carried her out to the restaurant’s loading dock where a crane carefully put a 10 ton diamond boulder ring on her butterfly finger. Speaking of the ring, Dlisted has an EXCLUSIVO picture of it:

hello-kitty-engagement-ring

Please. Mimi wipes her Hello Kitty anus with diamonds that are bigger than that tiny thing. The Daily Mail has pictures of Mimi’s actual engagement ring and it’s bigger than Liechtenstein. It’s a 35 carat flawless diamond ring. A jewelry expert thinks it retails for around $7.5 million. I am a little disappointed with that ring, honestly. I was expecting a 50 carat pink diamond ring that opens up to reveal a little diamond ballerina twirling to “Always Be My Baby.” That must be Mimi’s real engagement ring and that 35 carat diamond ring is just her casual daytime bling.

This will be Mimi’s third marriage too. Gossip Cop says that she’s still technically married to Nick Cannon. Their divorce hasn’t been made official yet.

A tear is slowly trickling down my cheek as I think about how exquisitely tasteful this wedding is going to be. But then again, since this will be the third marriage for both of them and it’s all about their everlasting love, I’m sure it’ll be a very simple wedding. And by “simple” I mean it’ll cost $100 million instead of $300 million. Okay, it’ll cost $110 million. I mean, Mimi just has to be led down the aisle by 12 baby blue-dyed swans in diamond tiaras.

Pic: Lisa Frank, Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By Mimi Luxuriating In A Winter Wonderland While Wearing A One-Piece

December 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but Mimi’s thirst is so delightful.

Hos have had it wrong for a while now. The North Pole isn’t the headquarters for Christmas. The headquarters for Christmas is Aspen, CO, because that’s where the Queen of Christmas, Mimi, flutters off to every single year. The people of Aspen would be lost if Mimi didn’t grace their presence every Christmas and they’d also think something was wrong if they didn’t see her butterfly tits in a bathing suit.

So just like she does almost every year, Mimi risked turning her clit into a clitcicle by posing out in the cold in a swimsuit for her devoted lambs. Mimi got into a gold one-piece (which is probably made of actual gold since she’s dating Billionaire Shrek now) and delivered a frost-bitten nipples “moment” while standing in a pool outside. I know that’s snow in her delicate rose petal hand, but it looks more like soggy coke. It looks like Lindsay Lohan sneezed into her hand.

I’m just thinking of all of the people who had to work during the holidays to make that oh-so-casual portrait happen. Since Mimi can barely walk on the ground by herself let alone in a pool, it probably took a crane, a low-flying helicopter and four men in scuba suits to gently put her in that pool and gently pluck her out.

And even though it probably took an entire team to create that picture, it’s still blurry as hell. Mimi is rich, her man is even richer and her pictures still look like they were taken with a half-broken View-Master. All I want for Christmas is for someone to buy Mimi a working Hello Kitty camera.

Pic: Instagram

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Mimi’s Reign As The Queen Of Retail Christmas Music Has Come To An End….

December 14, 2015 / Posted by:

I am so in denial about Christmas happening next week. I haven’t bought one present and I have barely thought about buying presents. I’m looking around my house for shit I can throw in a gift bag and give to my family next week. I hope they like a dusty old yoga mat I haven’t used for years, a broken vape pen and an unopened box of Grape Nuts I bought when I had a weird idea to start eating healthy-ish things for breakfast. Since I haven’t gone to the mall or stepped foot in a store that doesn’t sell groceries, weed or booze the musical anthem of the holiday, Mimi’sAll I Want For Christmas Is You,” hasn’t really dry fucked my ear drums that much. But apparently, “All I Want For Christmas Is You” isn’t dry fucking anyone’s ear drums as much as it has in the past, because it’s no longer the #1 song that stores are using to torture their customers with.

The Unicornie Butterfly Rainbow Princess Is Down And Out With The Flu

December 2, 2015 / Posted by:

The real story here is that Mimi is actually walking without the help of one of her minions. This is a more miraculous event than Jesus walking on water. The beauty with the gorgeous eyebrows behind her is obviously frozen out of shock.

TMZ says that right now, Mimi is in a NYC hospital room and is lounging on a furry Lisa Frank comforter as two shirtless male nurses with unicorn masks on their heads delicately administer fluids into her butterfly veins. After gracing a Pier 1 Imports event with her presence (yeah, the store, like Mimi buys that shit), Mimi came down with a case of the sicks. Mimi is supposed to perform at a radio concert on Saturday night and her team doesn’t want her to miss it, so they took her to the hospital.

She has the flu and is apparently so dehydrated that she had to be hooked up to an IV full of fluids and vitamins. She’ll probably be released today after the lipo treatment is done she’s hydrated.

Mimi really should know that a delicate peony blossom like her should wear a Hello Kitty flu mask whenever she mingles with the peasants, because she is too fragile to inhale the disgusting, gross and low-class germs of the regulars. Shit, she probably caught the flu after she walked by herself. Don’t do that, Mimi, you’ll exert your delicate self!

Pics: Splash

Mimi Has Moved In With Her Billionaire Piece

November 9, 2015 / Posted by:

Approximately thirteen seconds after we all found out that Mimi was being wooed by hairless billionaire Sulley, there was a rumor that they were already whispering the offensive curse word “marriageinto each other’s ears. (When a multi-millionaire mess and her billionaire boyfriend of two minutes start talking marriage, a future high-powered divorce lawyer passes the bar.) Because Mimi and James Packer are moving faster than a lesbian couple on Adderall, I figured she moved into his mansion before he even stuck the tip of his Shrek peen into her Wuzzle cooze. But a source tells E! News that Mimi only recently moved a bunch of her stuff into James Packer’s Beverly Hills mansion:

“Mariah did move into his home but is still keeping her home as well. They spend so much time together, so it only made sense. They have been speaking about marriage as well. They are very much in love and things couldn’t be better.”

Of course, Mimi kept her own house. She can use half of it as offices for her personal team of Photoshop artistes and she can use the other half as a storage unit to keep all the jewels James is going to buy her.

What’s weird about this story is that the source claims Mimi moved a whole lot of her stuff into his house. I don’t think that’s true. Mimi probably showed up with nothing but an open hand for James to put his credit card in so she can spend his billions on new stuff. I’m sure there were movers involved, but those movers were there to move his shit out and make room for all the luxurious furnishings she’s going to buy. James Packer probably has basic and boring taste and his beige stuff is just not going to go with the custom-made butterfly settee and the champagne-spewing pink diamond-encrusted bidet that Mimi’s going to order.

P.S. – While doing research for this highly important news post, I Googled “butterfly sofa” and found this gorgeous piece:

butterlflycouch2015

So if you’ve been looking everywhere for a bench that sort of looks like misshapen and frostbitten coochie lips, it’s your lucky day.

Pics: Wenn.com, archiproducts

Open Post: Hosted By The Scalding Hot Chemistry Between Mimi And Her Billionaire Piece

September 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Mimi and Australian billionaire Shrek (aka James Packer) made their “red carpet debut” as a couple at the NYC premiere of The Intern last night, and I’m sure you had to run away from the screen and immediately dunk your head in a bowl full of ice, because your skin nearly burnt off from the flaming heat rays wafting off of these two. Really, though, they have the sexual chemistry of a brother and a sister whose parents forced them to go to prom together. If Ross Mathews and Kim Davis were forced to pretend to be a couple for some reason, they’d probably exude more heat than these two.

From the pictures I saw, she barely looked at him, he stood to the side a lot and they were just all sorts of awkward and stiff. You know, now that I put it that way…. Maybe the lamb queen and grown-up Crabbie are perfect for each other. I mean, he has enough money to pay scientists to create an actual unicorn AND he knows to keep his ass to the side and let the human pink diamond get all of the shine. Dude knows his place. Yup, they’re going to last forever.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Mimi And Her Billionaire Piece Are Meeting With A “Spiritual Adviser” Before Getting Engaged

June 27, 2015 / Posted by:

If you stare at Mimi’s Magic Eye dress long enough, you may see a sinking sailboat, which is a symbol of her relationship with her Australian billionaire, I guess.

My dog’s relationship with the piece of chicken-flavored rawhide that he’s been gnawing on for the past 2 days has gone on longer than Mimi’s relationship with Australian billionaire James Packer, but they’re still getting serious about getting married. It makes sense. Who cares if Mimi probably hasn’t met his family and turns into a human question mark when you ask her what his middle name is! The only thing she needs to know is that he has enough money to hire scientists to make her a real-life pink unicorn. SOLD! Who cares if James Packer’s brain turns off when you ask him what Mimi’s birthday is. The only thing he needs to know is that if he wants to get into Mimi’s Hello Pussy, he better put a 14 carat purple diamond ring on her ringer.

A source tells TMZ that Mimi and the come-to-life Minecraft character want to get engaged, but before they do, they’re going to meet with some spiritual leader. The source says that today, Mimi and James are taking his private jet to Israel to meet with a spiritual leader type whom he knows well. Once they do that, they’re going to hit the fast forward button on their marriage plans even though she’s still married to Nick Cannon.

James Packer was Tommy Girl’s best bitch for a minute and he stuck his tip in L. Ron Hubbard’s Thetan-covered asshole for a minute, so I’m picturing this “spiritual adviser” as John Travolta in a white gown with an e-meter. I wish Mimi would join Scientology. She’d bring that church of crazy down. While rambling about lambs and moments during her audit, the e-meter machine would explode and the walls would come crumbling down.

I’m sure this spiritual leader will tell them that they’re both crazy wrecks who need to slow down and that Mimi doesn’t need to get married in order to fuck. Ha. No, I’m sure this spiritual leader will tell Mimi that James Packer is her soulmate and they should unite their love before GOD and the spiritual leader will say that right after James slips him a blank check.

Here’s the ethereal Wuzzle and Frankenbillionaire strolling through Portofino, Italy yesterday.

Pic: FameFlynet

Mimi And The Billionaire Are Already Talking About Getting Married

June 24, 2015 / Posted by:

The Butterly Unicornie Rainbow Pink Sparkle Empress is still luxuriating in Europe and today she Instagrammed this picture of Brian Grazer, some friends and her new man of approximately three seconds, Australian billionaire James Packer. If TMZ is right, James Packer’s orange Shrek-looking ass will go from being Mimi’s new boyfriend to her third husband. Mimi is showing Janet Jackson that she ain’t the only pop DIVA who can land billionaire peen.

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