Category: Mariah Carey

JLo Was Really Into Mimi’s Performance Last Night

May 18, 2015 / Posted by:

The Hello Kitty Unicorn Butterfly Princess sang out “Vision of Love” and her Nick Cannon-dissing singleInfinity” at the Billboard Music Awards last night and after she took everyone to Costco by screaming out a high-note that sounded like a forklift, her longtime nemesis JLo clapped politely and made a face that said, “My hex is working.” (Meanwhile, Kylie Jenner was wondering where in the hell her obese gummy worm lips went. They look so regular-sized in that GIF.)

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TMZ also has video of JLo scrolling through Instagram during part of Mimi’s performance. TMZ calls it “shade,” but I don’t think it’s shade. JLo was just doing a little business, that’s all. She was checking to see if her latest appliqués and pantyhose dress got enough attention. If it didn’t, she was planning to take it off backstage and come out wearing sequined nipple tassels and an elegant clit sock.

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Mimi’s Best Friend Is A Fabulous Dolphin Named Osborne

April 29, 2015 / Posted by:

You probably read that headline, shrugged, said, “Makes sense,” to yourself and continued to live your life. Mimi’s best friend is a fabulous dolphin named Osborne, because of course Mimi’s best friend is a fabulous dolphin named Osborne.

Above is a 100% authentic picture of Mimi posing with her beautiful best friend Osborne. How dare you accuse me of Photoshopping that shit. That picture is as real and raw as any of Mimi’s album covers. A day after Mimi blinded the eyes of her devoted lambs with her sparkly sausage beauty, she spoke to the press about her residency at Caesar’s Palace. Mimi talked to Robin Leach and I’m surprised diamond dust didn’t cover the camera lens during their interview. Mimi and Robin Leach in the same space together is opulence personified.

At around the 2:16 mark in the video below, Robin Leach asks Mimi if she’s going to do any fun things in Vegas with her twins. Mimi tells him that she’s already taken them to see the tigers and they went to Siegfried & Roy’s Secret Garden where she met a faaaabulous dahl-phin named Osborne! Somewhere, Hello Kitty, a Lisa Frank unicorn, a glass of champagne, a bottle of Valium and all of her dogs are suffering from the sads, because they thought they were Mimi’s best friend forever.

That is an actual picture of Osborne above. Mimi isn’t lying. He really does look sassy. I’m sure Mimi and Osborne will make many beautiful memories together. She’ll buy them matching broken heart BFF pendants at Claire’s. She’ll make them friendship bracelets. And they’ll spend hours playing Girl Talk. But I’m sure it’ll end in tears and sadness. Mimi will dump Osborne the Fabulous Dahl-phin out of jealousy when she learns that his highest high note is higher than her highest high note.

And here’s Mimi getting smart with a reporter who asked her if her show is going to have back-up tracks. What the reporter really meant to ask was, “Bitch, are you going to lip-synch or not?” Mimi let the reporter know that anyone who questions her live singing skills can sing in the shower with her. The question is at the 0:47 mark.

Mimi just gave herself an idea. Mimi loves to be as naked as possible, so I’m sure that at some point during her show she’ll take off her clothes and sing under a glitter water shower while Osborne the Fabulous Dahl-phin twirls in a pool below her. Now THAT is some shit I want to see.

Pic: TripAdvisor

Las Vegas Is Just A Little Bit More Elegant And Understated Today….

April 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like her Photoshopped self queefed out her real self, Mariah Carey injected thirty gallons of modest sophistication into Las Vegas yesterday when she rode into Caesars Palace in a stunning chariot that is what Liberace would’ve driven if Liberace was one of Mary Kay’s top sales bitches in the Palm Springs area.

Mimi landed in Vegas yesterday to prepare for her 18-show residency at Caesars Palace, which stars May 6th, and she blessed her subjects with the sight of her in a studded pantyhose dress thing. That dress by L’eggs is so damn tight that if you put your ear to one of its seams, you’d hear the sound of it screeching for dear life and its screeches probably sound a lot like the high-pitched scream she lets out at the end of her Nick Cannon diss track. She looks like an overstuffed, studded bratwurst. As the lambs screamed their b-hole lips off for their queen, the non-lambs prepared to cover their eyes while hitting the ground, because they knew if Mimi stopped sucking in for a second to exhale, that too-tight, bedazzled casing would rip apart sending rhinestones and studs flying everywhere. I’m not sure if it would be hot or tragic to be able to tell people that you have to wear a glass eye because Mimi chose to exhale real quick.

But the real tragedy is that Frederick’s of Hollywood is dying a slow death so they probably won’t make a “look for less” version of this exquisite ensemble. So you’ll have to make it yourself using several old pairs of Spanx, a hot glue gun and macaronis spray painted gold.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

And Here’s 4 Minutes Of The Butterly Unicorn One Dragging Nick Cannon

April 27, 2015 / Posted by:

It truly isn’t a picture of Mariah Carey unless you’re asking yourself, “Is that a picture of Mimi or a highly over-Photoshopped flyer for the Cowardly Lion’s drag debut as a JLo impersonator?”

The ear walls of the lambs are covered in candy-coated glitter today, because their yodeling god released the only new song on her compilation album #1 To Infinity, which has all 18 number of her number 1 hits on it. When you listen to Mimi’s new song “Infinity,” you’ll suddenly get a craving for an Ecto Cooler and Lay’s WOW Chips, because it’ll take you back to the 90s. “Infinity” sounds like a mash-up of every single Mimi song from the 90s. It also sounds like Mimi dropping a messy, sloppy, wet Hello Kitty shit all over Nick Cannon. I’m sure Mimi will try to say that this song has absolutely nothing to do with Nick Cannon, but if you play it backwards you’ll hear the sound of her saying, “Nick Cannon ain’t shit,” over and over again. Here’s just a few of the song’s lyrics. This shit reads like something you scribbled on your Pee Chee folder with a licorice-scented Mr. Sketch marker in homeroom after your boyfriend dumped you for that slut skank tramp hussy whore Leticia. In other words, I love these lyrics!

Name hold weight like kilos/ Boy, you actin’ so corny like Fritos/ Wouldn’t have none of that without me though

If life was a game you’re a free throw/ It’s nothing that you don’t already know

Is it lack of ice got you so cold?/ Have you ever felt this on your own?

Why you tryin’ to play like you’re so grown?/ Everything you own, boy, you still owe

Truthfully I’m through with this/ Why are we still doing this?/ Answer the phone like, “Who is this?”

Mimi’s name deserves to be on the list of history’s greatest poets next to William Blake and John Keats, because it takes a certified literary genius and true poetic mind to rhyme “kilos” with “Fritos.”

Here’s the song and lyric video, which looks like the aftermath of a truck full of MS Paint Desktop Icons crashing into a Lisa Frank folder:

That last note… It sounds like Ross Mathews on a roller coaster. I’m sure the fire department will knock on my door, because I’m sure my neighbor heard that screeching and thought it was my smoke detector going off. Thanks, Mimi.

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The Photoshop Lifetime Achievement Awards: Mimi’s New Album Cover

April 13, 2015 / Posted by:

If there was a Harpo, Who Dis Woman Museum, this fairy tale of a picture would be the crown jewel in its collection.

You can always count on the reigning Empress of Photoshop, Mimi, to keep Adobe in business by using every copy of Photoshop to make her latest album cover. When I opened Photoshop the other day, it immediately quit on me and now I know way. All of its energy was spent on making this album cover look like an oil paining portrait of a Mariah Carey wax figure that was made in the late 90s. This shit looks like Big Ang posing a fun house mirror. It looks like they just copy + pasted a different dress on the cover for Mimi’s #1′s album from 1998.

Yesterday, the Butterfly Unicornie Hello Kitty Rainbow Princess released the cover art for her newest greatest hits album called #1 To Infinity. That cover was Photoshopped to infinity and beyond. But you know, it wouldn’t be a Mimi album cover if it didn’t have more special effects than a James Cameron movie. Mimi truly is a grand master catfisher and the Patron Saint of Adobe.

And here’s the real Mimi in NYC the other day.

Pics: Splash

Mariah Carey Might Be Dating Brett Ratner

March 29, 2015 / Posted by:

I’d be insulted if my girlfriend had to don a special glove to touch me. Can you really blame her, though, lambs? Hello Kitty’s main bitch Mariah Carey and the cheated-in-the-crotch as well as in-the-personality director Brett Ratner are reportedly an item. He’s directed a couple of her videos, and they’ve apparently been friends for awhile.

There’s a really charming pic of them on TMZ. Mimi looks embarrassed, but is still giving major leg while summoning a deckhand to emancipate Brett’s corpulent’n’ drunk ass off her. Ratner normally looks like what would happen if an 8ball came to life. In this pic, he’s paying homage to every completely sauced messcake who has spied some cleavage and begun imagining he doesn’t reek of trouble or represent regret. “Hi baby, shu wanna buy you a cocktail? How bout’ it? What? You got nice boobies, though. Aw come on, don’t be like that. Bish.” *passes out, strikes head on deck, blood*

TMZ sez that pic was taken on Saturday on a billionaire friend of Ratner’s yacht in St. Barts. Brett’s 46 and Mimi’s 45, so they’re compatible age-wise. But can you even see her letting him in the penthouse? Does Lisa Frank make an at-home hazmat shower?

Check out some pics of them together from Ratner’s Instagram below.  Definitely check out a pic of the two of them with Courtney Love’s crazy ass. Maybe Courtney was looking for some acting tips from halfway-decent actor Mimi. Courtney’s junkie-ass “Elle Dallas” character lit up the screen on Empire! The only part of that bit I believed is when she convincingly fell over that dressing room ottoman whilst high. I guess they discussed Glitter and not Precious. *sad-face*

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Mimi May Have Had Some Lip-Synch Struggles In Jamaica Last Night

January 31, 2015 / Posted by:

In between going through a divorce with Whatshisname and battling a butterfly-hating nanny who threw a lawsuit at her for getting fired for showing too much “affection” to the twin Hello Kittens after working 120 hours a week, Mimi fluttered off to Jamaica to fill the ears of her Jamaican lambs with her unicorn yodel and possibly give a lip-synch show that’d make RuPaul stop the track and tell her to sashay away immediately.

Mimi headlined the Jamaica Jazz & Blues Festival last night and I went through some of the videos this morning. In some videos, Mimi sang live and other than her Windsor Fashions dresses from the late 90s, it didn’t seem like she had that many issues. But then I read a post at O-Access Jamaica that claimed that some people were not happy, because when it came time for her to sing “Fantasy,” she said “fuck it” and lazily moved her mouth through it. The video is a struggle! It’s the music performance equivalent of trying to have ass sex without lube and using spit and lotion instead. It’s awkward, painful and Mimi is trying to smile through it. I don’t know what’s going on. It looks like she’s having issues with her earpiece and either the track is screwed up or her mouth is on a 15-second delay because shit just isn’t working. A deaf cat on novocaine could lip-synch better.

Meanwhile, Ariana Grande Latte was sticking pins into the ear of her Mariah Carey voodoo doll. That black magic Bratz doll will do anything to be the true Supreme.

When Christmas was nearly canceled because of Mimi’s messy performance of “All I Want For Christmas,” some whores screamed that she really just should’ve lip-synched that shit. And now whores are screaming at her for lip-synching so badly that she made Brit Brit look like she has her PhD in lip-synching from Drag U. What do bitches want from Mimi? Actually, I doubt Mimi gives three queefs. As long as the check clears and the private jet is stocked with champagne and puppies, she no care. Yes, I’m pretty sure Mimi’s rider states that her private jet must be stocked with fresh puppies.

Pics: Splash

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Jennifer Lopez Took Some Time Out Of Her Busy “Boy Next Door” Hustling Schedule To Throw A Little Shade At Mimi

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

At the same time, JLo’s titties took some time out of their busy schedule to pop out and remind you that JLo is still sexy. You know, just in case you’ve forgotten. JLo’s titties are on top of things like that. During a game of “Plead the Fifth” on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked living bottle of NARS Orgasm illuminator Jennifer Lopez if she only had one night in Las Vegas, who’s show would she rather see: the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels of Britney Spears or the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels Mariah Carey. I was hoping JLo would pull a Mimi and answer “Mariah Carey…Mariah Carey…I don’t know her“, but she didn’t, because JLo wanted to yank Mimi’s wig a little harder than that by answering:

“Britney, cause she dances.”

I was waiting for JLo to add “…unlike Mariah, who does nothing but lumber around the stage like a sedated moose”, but she didn’t, because subtlety is the name of the game when you’re throwing shade. Then again, maybe that was actually a reverse read on Brit Brit, since we all know the only “dancing” you’ll see at a Brit Brit show is that drunk-aunt-at-a-family-BBQ full-body sway thing she does.

Either way, I eagerly anticipate the moment Mimi wakes up from her 5 hour mid-afternoon glitter nap and realizes that shimmer-spackled hussy JLo is talking shit about her and is like “Bitch, I got moves. You ever see me trying to get into a pair of Spanx?

But Mimi wasn’t the only person who got a free ride to the burn ward from JLo. Joining her was Marc Anthony, Casper Smart, and all the other busted-faced hos JLo has humped on. When asked to describe her type, JLo said:

“I’m not a looks person. I don’t know if you noticed over the years. I go more for essence, for strength…sexy is important, but I don’t feel like good looking is necessarily sexy. I thought they were all hot. Other people might be like, ‘What the hell was she thinking? but I don’t care.”

Upon hearing this, Skeletor hissed “How RUDE! I’ll have you know a lot of near-sighted sorceresses in Snake Mountain find me very good looking“. Unfortunately, Casper Smart was unavailable for comment, as he is currently serving as a face model at that hospital in the Twilight Zone. Hey, a check is a check.

Nick Cannon Beat Mimi To The Courthouse And Filed For Divorce First

January 16, 2015 / Posted by:

TMZ says that four months after he admitted that the sparkle had started to dull on his once-shimmering marriage to living rhinestone Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon quietly filed walking papers on December 12th. Aaaand now we know what Nick got Mariah for Christmas: a divorce. TMZ says Nick filing on December 12th makes sense, because it was pretty much 10 days after Mimi held up the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree lighting ceremony with her messy divorce business. I’m guessing Nick filed first because Mimi was taking too long trying to find a Hello Kitty Bye Bye Marriage kit on Amazon.

And I’m shocked that it’s been a whole month since Nick filed for divorce and neither of them have started dragging each other in public. Now, I’ve never been a famous person who has filed for divorce from another famous person, but it’s my understanding that the second you slip those papers under the door of the I Quit This Bitch office at city hall, you are legally obligated to turn into a dramatic mess. Where are the vague passive-aggressive Tweets? The Facebook statuses that begin with “You think you know someone” and end with “…but I’m not here to start drama, so I refuse to get into it.” It’s not really a Hollywood divorce until someone calls a bitch out over Instagram.

Or maybe Mimi doesn’t have time to worry about what her ex is doing because she’s too busy counting all those sweet lazy lip synching dollars she’s getting for her residency in Las Vegas. According to TMZ, Mimi is getting paid some serious money. “Wait! Is it too late to take it back?” asked a desperate Nick Cannon.

Mimi Got A Job In Las Vegas

January 15, 2015 / Posted by:

Upon realizing that she may no longer be the drowsiest lip synching polyester-haired goddess on the strip, Britney Spears just panicked and chugged a 64oz 7-11 Double Gulp cup filled with Frapp syrup and Cheetos. Stop worrying, Brit Brit, there’s enough room and clip-in hair for both of you!

In an interview that will air later today, effervescent human butterfly Mariah Carey broke the news to Ellen DeGeneres that she just signed a residency deal with Caesars Palace where she’ll do a show inspired by her album Number 1′s. If you’re wondering why your dog is currently freaking the fuck out, it’s because he’s reacting to the sound of the Lambs screaming at a register that can only be recognized by canine ears. Mimi is sort of taking over for legendary poutine chanteuse Celine Dion while she steps away for a bit to take care of her sick husband.

Speaking of super fans, she also surprised a couple by dressing up in a French maid costume and pretending to be Caesars Palace housekeeping. My favorite is the dude at the 2:05 who looks like me when I go to Red Lobster and discover that the Endless Shrimp special is still on:

Mimi doing a Vegas show is a great idea, because they’ve got the kind of budget that can make miracles happen. Mimi doesn’t even have to technically be there at every show; they can film her in front of a green screen back stage in between naps and project a hologram during her “performance”. And if they really need her out there, they can just stuff her sleeping body in a harness and fly her around the stage Cirque du Soleil-style. The Lamb’s eyes will be too busy weeping glitter-dusted tears to notice that anything is off.

Here’s more of Mimi looking like a top-shelf bottle of Spanxed-up sophistication while leaving Craig’s restaurant in L.A. last night:

Pics: Splash

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