The last time we checked in with Nick Cannon, he was reportedly dragging his feet on signing the divorce papers to legally quit his marriage to Mariah Carey, thus further delaying her dream of becoming Mrs. Australian Billionaire. Then last week he released a song called “Divorce Papers“, which was about as subtle and nuanced as the Photoshopping on one of Mariah’s album covers.
In it, he alleges that the rumor he wouldn’t sign the papers was a lie. He also took plenty of shots at Mariah, which included such gems as: “But fuck my health, y’all felt I kept this shit held up over some motherfucking alimony? Now who phony” and “It’s fucked up that the time that you spend with your own kids is called visitation.”
TMZ says sources close to Mariah were confused by it. They claim Nick is allowed to see their twins whenever he wants. They also side-eyed how dramatic it was; they say Nick and Mariah get along well, and allege that the only person who is holding anything up is his lawyers.
At the end of “Divorce Papers,” Nick says, “Man, fuck it let’s sign these papers,” which is usually the kind of thing you’d say if you really want to be done with someone. But Nick would like you to know he didn’t spend his weekend on the phone with Demi Lovato gossiping about how much they hate Mariah. Nick posted the above picture on Instagram yesterday to show the “haters” that he spent Father’s Day with his mother and the woman he is supposedly not on divorce paper-signing terms with.
“Leaving the Haters in the Wind! LOL They want us to be mad so bad! @MariahCarey but we happier than happy! #HappyFathersDay”
“Haters in the Wind” sounds like a song written by grumpy current day Elton John that I really, really want to hear.
There’s still no word on whether or not Nick Cannon has signed those divorce papers. So that smile on Mariah’s face could be a real “I’m finally gonna be a billionaire’s bride!” smile. But it could also be an awkward secretly-pissed smile to cover up the fact that she’s spent the past three hours trying to get him to take a hint by “accidentally” dropping pink glitter pens around him.
I don’t know if Demi Lovato’s New Year’s resolution was to drag every popular female artist from the music industry into as many messy cat fights as possible, but it’s starting to look that way. So far in 2016, Demi has come for Taylor Swift, then Nicki Minaj, then Taylor Swift again. And now she’s starting a fight that includes Mariah Carey, Ariana Grande, and Jennifer Lopez.
In that picture above, it looks like happiness is covering Nick Cannon’s face (and who wouldn’t feel happiness while working a camouflage turban that is very “Norma Desmond as Private Benjamin”), but he’s apparently filled to the top with sadness over no longer inhaling the sweet scent of champagne and chocolate-covered strawberry farts as he sleeps next to his wife Mimi. (Side note: I don’t know if Nick has converted to Sikhism or if he’s just really trying to make the “non-religious man turban” look happen.)
It has been almost two years since Nick and Mimi broke up, and a year and a half since he filed for divorce. They had a prenup, so they apparently figured out a property settlement and custody arrangement right away. All Nick has to do is sign the divorce papers and he’ll officially become Mimi’s second ex-husband, but he just can’t bring himself to do it.
As anyone who has lost 3% of their vision in both eyes thanks to being blinded by the 16-ton diamond boulder on Mimi’s finger knows, she is going to get married to Aussie billionaire Shrek and she can’t wait to say the words, “I take you Billionaire Shrek to be my lawfully wedded, always-full ATM.” Nick even congratulated Mimi on getting engaged, but TMZ is hearing that he still loves her and doesn’t want her to marry James Packer. Mimi is pissed, because she wants to move on.
Something is going on with Nick Cannon. First, Nick Cannon, who makes MC Skat Kat look like Tupac, reached the tip of delusion by challenging his sometime-arch rival Eminem to a $100,000 rap battle, and now he’s not cutting the chains tied to The Butterfly One so she can flutter off and be with her beloved soulmate: a never-ending mountain range of money. Someone should really tell Nick that if he truly loves someone, he should set them free and if it was meant to be, they’ll flutter back. Although, nothing could pry Mimi off of her billionaire husband’s yacht, because I doubt she wants to go back to a life of paying all her own bills.
And here’s Nick at The Nice Guy a few nights ago and Mimi leaving Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills last week.
Hello Kitty’s human ambassador was on Watch What Happens Live last night, and she showed up late and made Andy Cohen switch chairs because she wanted the camera to get her good side, dahling. The diva had landed.
On WWHL last night, Mariah Carey didn’t have anything nice to say about her nemesis Nicki Minaj, she said that she and billionaire Shrek will sign a prenup before they get hitched and she got into the “I Don’t Know Her” meme that will never die and will long live forever. (Side note: I’m surprised the Bernie Bros. haven’t started an #IDontKnowHer campaign about Hillary Clinton.) When JLo was on WWHL in March, she made it sound like there’s zero drama between them. On last night’s episode, the shifty Siamese Cat once again asked the Diva’dley Lion if she knows “her” and no, Mimi still doesn’t know “her.”
Calling all fashion blogs! Calling all fashion blogs! You can go ahead and shut down and take the rest of the week off, because no look will outdo the opulent and genteel ensemble that Mimi wore to the NBC Universal Upfronts in NYC today. I don’t know if that outfit looks like it came out of a package marked “Stereotypical Hooker Costume” or a package marked “Stereotypical Rock of Love Ho Costume.” You’re right, a stereotypical hooker and a stereotypical Rock of Love ho are the same thing. But seriously, I love how Mimi is so rich that she queefs up diamond dust and she’s engaged to an Australian woodland giant who butt burps out gold bars, and yet she still looks like she buys her dresses with wadded-up bills at a “cash only” hooker clothing store in a strip mall on the outskirts of Las Vegas. I am telling no jokes when I say that nothing says elegance like “my purse is full of nut rags.”
The Hello Kitty Unicornie Rainbow One was at the NBC Upfronts today to push Mariah’s World, her 8-episode E! “docu-series.” (“Docu-series” is reality TV’s equally-as-trashy, but snobby, cousin whose name is Andrea and she gets really mad when you pronounce it “Ann-Dree-Uh” instead of “Ahn-Dree-Uh.“) As was announced a couple of months ago, Mariah’s World will follow the decadent butterfly as she travels through Europe with her tour and plans her wedding to Dr. Frankenstein’s richest monster. The trailer was also released today and it shows Mimi telling us that fluorescent lighting is her kryptonite, Mimi talking with that manager everyone hates and Mimi walking down stairs by herself. E! must have spent most of the budget on CGI’ing Mimi’s face on a stunt double’s body, because the real Mimi doesn’t do stairs.
I don’t know, maybe E! is saving the good shit for the actual show. I was hoping for an extra long version of Mimi’s legendary Cribs episode. Where is the scene where Mimi goes into the bathtub while wearing a towel? Where is the scene where she pulls her dog out of the dryer? Actually, Mimi is marrying a billionaire, so she doesn’t dry her dog in the dryer like a peon. She makes her dogs’ assistants take them to be dry cleaned.
And here’s more of Mimi dripping in ho stroll glamour, and pictures of her and James Packer at the GLAAD Awards on Saturday night.
Mimi’s Sweet Sweet Fantasy tour is currently scooting through Europe, and during a stop in Italy over the weekend, the Cowardly Lion’s glamorous first cousin took a picture of her making pizza in a brick oven while dressed like Rhonda Lee from Laverne & Shirley. By “making pizza,” I of course mean that Mimi did the most physical work she’s done in years by holding that wooden pizza paddle for 6 seconds while saying through her gritted teeth, “Take the damn picture before my arms fall off, dahling.”
And we better issue an AMBER ALERT on Mimi’s other leg. Either it’s hiding somewhere in that Zsa Zsa ass robe, or it got erased in a Photoshop-gone-wrong accident, or she had to have it amputated after it was overworked from walking more than 12 steps a day. If it’s the third guess, someone’s going to be filing an insurance claim real soon.
I don’t know how an insurance company came up with such an arbitrary number, since we all know the value of current-day Mariah Carey is $Priceless. But apparently they did and now some parts of her are insured for $70 million.
According to TMZ, Mimi’s Sweet Sweet Fantasy tour has been extended to South America, which means there’s a lot more money to be lost if Mimi were to, say, eat too many sour Hello Kitty gummis and damage her vocal cords, or pull a hamstring by catching her toes on the control top of her shimmer hose. So she took out a $35 million insurance policy on her voice and $35 million insurance policy on her legs.
Sources tell TMZ that Mimi’s monthly insurance premium is in the several-thousands of dollars range. But like it matters? Mariah is about to become Mrs. Australian Caveman Billionaire; the only monthly premium she has to worry about is her monthly delivery of premium pink champagne that she uses to fill her bathtub every morning.
Mariah’s body parts deserve only the largest of insurance policies, but it still seems a little odd to me that she’d chose to insure her voice and her legs. Mimi doesn’t always use her natural singing voice, and she barely uses her legs for walking. Even when she does walk on her own, she’s assisted by someone to make sure she doesn’t get the pill spins and take a tumble. So why does she need them insured for $70 million? This is all very suspicious…. I really hope this isn’t a shady insurance fraud scheme hatched by Mimi’s maybe-shady new manager, Stella Bulochnikov. I don’t want to hear about Mimi twisting both her ankles after “accidentally” falling down the stairs and being put on forced bed rest for the next 3 months. “Bed rest? Three months? Sign me up!” said an excited-for-regular-naps Mimi.
Right before Easter, Michael brought a true miracle to our attention – Mariah Carey walking on her own! We said praise be, cried, shouted out our devotion and knelt before the true queen of all that is pink, sparkly and of questionable taste. Even more miraculous were the semi-matte shine opaque pantyhose that may or may not have given her the ability to cross the pavement like the goddess she is. Well, now Mimi has blessed us all with even more panty elegance.
The Butterfly Empress instagrammed this adorable snap of her in Sweden. It’s pretty cold up there so that’s probably why she’s wearing a dark semi-sheer hose instead of a nude opaque. And probably why she had to keep her Hello Kitty covered up extra warm with a silky satin pair of demure little undies OVER the pantyhose. Take note, guys, this is how its done. Evening glamour is a subtle flash of leg, cloaked in a mystery topped off with a slightly naughty shimy shammy. I’d also be remiss were I not to mention the elegant gown she’s wearing. It’s the perfect length for anyone who may at any moment take flight to join her pixie fairy sisters in dancing with the butterflies and collecting honey dew drop jewels to then place upon their breasts. The next time someone tells you magic isn’t real, show them this picture. These tights even allowed her to tippy-toe up some stairs! Blessed! All of us, blessed!
A miracle greater than Jesus’ resurrection happened in London the other night. Mimi actually managed to walk a few steps on her own without any help from a full-time handler hired to be her human walking stick. If a naked Jesus was in the background juggling dragon babies breathing out rainbow-colored fire, you wouldn’t notice, because Mimi walking is a more miraculous sight.
While looking like a knock-off Barbie doll made by The Jim Henson Company, the Hello Kitty Lisa Frank empress of cotton candy glitter made her way to her show at the O2 Arena in London the other night. Mim mostly held onto her gentlemen-in-waiting, but there were special moments when she actually walked! Maybe Mimi got the power to walk on her own from those really hot sparkly pantyhose. That would make sense. I mean, my abuelita’s spanking hand seemed to get almost Hulk-like when she wore her church outfit: a sensible dress, extra thick support hose and open toe pumps. (You truly haven’t felt fear until an abuelita has raised her Hulk hand at you after you act a fool in church.)
Yup, it must be the pantyhose and now you know that superhero strength can be found in the hose section of JcPenney near you!
I don’t know Mariah Carey’s new manager (I literally “I don’t know her”), but I’m sort of leaning towards Team Entourage. I mean, look at the dog tags on that necklace; there isn’t a single Hello Kitty head made out of pave pink sapphires to be seen. Anyone who dares to wear such uninspired jewelry around Mimi clearly doesn’t have her client’s best interests in mind.
But back to Team Entourage. According to Page Six, several people in Mariah’s team have handed in their two weeks notice because they can’t stand her new manager, Stella Bulochnikov. Sources say Mimi’s business manager Michael Kane, international publicist Connie Filippello, domestic publicist Chris Chambers, tour manager Michael Richardson, travel manager Gaylin Winkler, and stylist Wilfredo Rosado (who designed Mimi’s gorgeous engagement ring) have all quit. That’s too bad, because if anyone should be working for glitter candy butterfly diva Mariah Carey, it’s a person named “Gaylin Winkler.”
Mimi hired Stella last year after they were introduced by Brett Ratner. That alone is technically reason enough for why you wouldn’t want to work with someone, but there are a bunch of reasons why Mimi’s crew quit. Sources say Stella is “toxic” and difficult to work with, adding that “seasoned executives in their profession don’t want to put up with her.” She also brought in her family to help manage Mimi’s career. Her former team is also side-eyeing Mimi’s choice to hire a “complete stranger” to manager her career. They’re also not crazy about Stella acting as the puppet master for Mariah’s upcoming reality show.
As for that reality show, a source tell Page Six that Stella is using the show to talk shit and spread lies about Mimi’s former employees. Apparently Mariah’s reality show is Stella’s own personal Burn Book. She has also allegedly changed the focus of the show. The show was supposed to be about Mariah’s shows in Las Vegas. But the source claims that Stella has turned it into a trashy pile of fakery. Okay, I’ve officially moved over to Team Stella. Not only is she the reason for why we’ve been given the greatest gift of our lifetimes, but she’s also the reason for why it will be an over-the-top dramatic mess. Thank you Stella! You truly do care about Mariah’s legacy.
Here’s Mariah looking like the Hogwarts PTA’s sexiest MILF while greeting her loyal subjects yesterday in Birmingham, England.