Way back in 2010, comedian and hot Ginger daddy (don’t judge me) Louis C. K. composed a series of drunken tweets on an airplane, one of which was directed at living Bumpit Sarah Palin. Although to be fair, who isn’t guilty of getting drunk and tweeting shit about Sarah Palin? Let he who is without tweet against that dumb shit from Alaska be without…something something…cast the first stone (oh Jesus, speaking of getting drunk on an airplane, it appears I’m still whatever the word for jet lagged + hungover is). Louis C.K. had referred to Sarah Palin as a “fucking jackoff cunt-face jazzy wondergirl“. No offense to the real Wonder Girl, I’m sure.
Five years later, Louis C.K. tells Howard Stern (via People) that he’s sorry for ever calling her a fucking jackoff cunt-face jazzy wondergirl. Louis was approached by Sarah Palin at the SNL 40th Anniversary after-party in February because Sarah said her nephew, who was her date that night, told her that she had to say Hi to Louis C.K. and that he’s the one guy she had to meet. That’s when, according to Louis, “something came over me emotionally” and he apologized. Louis also told Howard he’s never apologized for any of his jokes before that night.
And just like a broken spring in a Whac-A-Mole game, Sarah Palin popped out of her hole in Wasilla to add to his story. Sarah tells People that she was “sincerely humbled” that he would apologize and laughed it off, because she hadn’t even heard what he’d said about her. Yeah right. As if Sarah Palin hasn’t ever switched internet providers in order to handle the bandwidth required for her to examine every single one of her Google alerts that contain the words “Sarah Palin” plus several expletives.
Louis C.K. also added that Sarah Palin invited him to come fishing with her in Alaska. Don’t do it Louis! It’s a trap! First she gets you in a boat in the middle of nowhere with the promise of fish, then Joe the Plumber pulls up on a Sea-Doo, she hops out of the boat, and they speed away, leaving you all alone with nothing but a thin piece of tin between your ass and an ice alien from The Thing.
The Irish Mexican Buddha that is Louis C.K. was on Conan last night to answer some of life’s greatest mysteries including why I scream for a priest every time my iPhone battery drops into the red zone (aka gets its period) when I’m nowhere near a charger. Louis C.K. started off his Ode to No Smartphones by saying that he’s never going to buy his kids one, because he thinks they make children meaner. I don’t know about that. Smartphones weren’t everywhere when I was in school and all those kids were still piece of shit assholes. Louis C.K. then went on to say that most of us think of our smartphones as the conjoined twin we never want to part from (my iPhone is the Lori to my George), because if we stop looking at it for a second, we’ll realize that we’re all alone. Gawker transcribed Louis C.K.’s words of wisdom:
You need to build an ability to just be yourself and not be doing something. That’s what the phones are taking away, is the ability to just sit there. That’s being a person. Because underneath everything in your life there is that thing, that empty—forever empty. That knowledge that it’s all for nothing and that you’re alone. It’s down there.
And sometimes when things clear away, you’re not watching anything, you’re in your car, and you start going, ‘oh no, here it comes. That I’m alone.’ It’s starts to visit on you. Just this sadness. Life is tremendously sad, just by being in it…
That’s why we text and drive. I look around, pretty much 100 percent of the people driving are texting. And they’re killing, everybody’s murdering each other with their cars. But people are willing to risk taking a life and ruining their own because they don’t want to be alone for a second because it’s so hard.
Those are the truest of true words I’ve read today and that’s saying a lot since I started my morning by reading an e-mail with the subject “What an asshole!” and a link to a Goopy Paltrow story. It’s true. Whenever I’m at a party and nobody’s talking to me and there’s no cat in the room for me to awkwardly pet, I just pull out my iPhone and spend time with it. It has to hang out with me, because I own it and it can never leave me. But Louis C.K.’s words inspired me. For two nights this week, I won’t fall asleep while holding onto my iPhone like it’s my beating heart. Okay, two is kind of crazy. I’ll only let it for go one night this week. I want to wean off slowly. I don’t want to die!