When Celine Dion knocked hos over with her angelic voice while dressed like Alexis Carrington going to her rival’s wedding, the other Billboard Music Awards performers not named Cher should’ve started packing up their shit. And when Cher took the stage, they should’ve picked up their shit and headed toward the nearest exit, because their services were no longer needed. Being a Billboard Music Awards performer who wasn’t Cher or Celine was like being the raw vegetable platter at a Super Bowl party. Everybody only touched the vegetables because they were waiting until the real stars of the night, the pizza dip and pigs in a blanket, were brought out.
The sparkly cloud-topped Pixy Stix that is Richard Simmons hardly ever speaks directly to his loyal disciples ever since he retired from the spotlight, but today, he left a message for his fans on his Facebook page. Richard very briefly responded to the podcast Richard Simmons Is Missing and mostly thanked everyone for praying to their Santo Simmons candle while he’s laid up in the hospital.
When I read the e-mail subject “Richard Simmons Hospitalized” first thing this morning, I was half-asleep and one drop of caffeine hadn’t entered my body yet, but my eyes still made like that dog’s eyes. But the rainbow dusted dandelion is going to be okay. That’s what his rep, Michael Catalano, tells ABC News anyway.
Michael Catalano says that Richard’s stomach and caca-making parts were in such a bad way yesterday that he needed to get checked out at the hospital. TMZ says it wasn’t a “What’s the number to 911?” situation so an ambulance was not called. Richard was driven to the hospital by one of his people. Michael gave this statement:
“Richard Simmons was hospitalized on Monday at an undisclosed location in California. After a few days of battling severe indigestion and discomfort while eating, we agreed it was best for him to seek treatment. He’s already feeling better and is expected to make a full recovery.”
The human glitter stick also spent three days in Cedars-Sinai hospital last summer. Richard’s people blamed “dehydration” at the time.
Richard recently signed a deal with a company to handle merchandising, licensing and future endorsements. So based on that bit of news, I’m going to choose to believe that in the basement of Cedars-Sinai is a giant rehearsal studio. Richard hasn’t been going to the hospital to treat his ills. For the past year, Richard is preparing to make his much-awaited return to the spotlight and he’s been secretly rehearsing for a sequin-filled, pucker-inducing Las Vegas extravaganza!!! Look, 2016 was a flaming plastic bag of donkey diarrhea and 2017 isn’t turning out any better. So let’s just go with this. We need something to believe in!
Dancing with Charo (And A Bunch Of Nobodies) had its second episode on Monday, and Deadline says the ratings were down. It’s obvious why. The jealous and shit-brained judges committed an illegal act by giving Charo a score of 21 out of 40 the week before. The people just couldn’t bear to watch as the judges continued to do the ultimate wrong by giving the flawless Spanish rose such low scores. Charo apparently agrees.
The last time I wrote about the human estrella wrapped in grace and charisma was over 4 years ago when he was laid up in a hospital in Cleveland, OH with cardiac problems. A 50,000 person deep prayer circle was formed because none of us wanted to live in a world without Puerto Rican astrologer and glamour icon Walter Mercado in it. The star baby of Galileo and a Spectra doll wasn’t as worried as we were, because he read his future in the stars and knew that he would live and go on to tell everyone what would happen if the orange tonsil stone from the Celebrity Apprentice became the President of the United States in 2016.
Walter created an astrological chart to see what the future would look like if “President Donald Trump” becomes a real thing that exists. It feels like the world is already self-destructing, but according to the future-seeing Puerto Rican blossom, the world will really eat shit if Trump becomes president. Walter gave his findings to People en Español in Spanish, and The Miami Herald translated his words into English:
“I did a chart about what I see in the future and the present of this monster, this backwards person that can lead not only the United States, but the world, to total destruction. He has no knowledge of politics and no knowledge of any type of diplomacy. He is a person that thinks money can buy anything and thinks that you can buy the conscience of all of humanity. The conscience cannot be bought with these policies that are so insulting and offensive to the human race.
I am totally, completely and absolutely in favor of Hillary, and astrologically, she is the better prospect. God willing, the stars will align so that we will have the right president.”
In related news, I’m watching CNN right now and Anderson Cooper just announced that the Democratic National Convention has been canceled and all of the speakers have been sent home. Because now that Walter Mercado has officially endorsed Hillary Clinton, nothing else needs to be said!
Even though Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness is now up in heaven, knocking on the door’s of the angels, he continues to be the gift that keeps on giving. Not only is he continuing to give Maury more material since hundreds of people (including a mess who claims to be his sole heir) have come forward claiming to be related to him. But Prince continues to give us anecdotes that warm our ice cold souls.