Carol Burnett is a Hollywood legend, a Hall of Fame ginger and a treasured jewel who as far as I know hasn’t said any kind of eye roll-worthy shit in public (cut to someone e-mailing me an article from a few years ago of Carol Burnett committing a major sin by saying that In-N-Out tastes like old dog balls). So Carol already won the SAG Awards last night just by showing up but she really won when she accessorized her Bob Mackie pantsuit dress thing with slippers.
I don’t even care that those slippers are UGGs and we all know that UGGs are the devil’s creation. UGG slippers are basically CROCs in a fur coat made from Lucifer’s ass hairs. But if Carol Burnett wants to wear evil Ninth Circle oven mitt slippers, she can! If my own abuelita ever showed up to a party wearing UGG slippers I would definitely judge her with my eyes, but I wouldn’t say shit, because the only thing worse than getting slapped in the mouth with a chancleta is getting slapped in the mouth with an UGG slipper.
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler presented Carol with one of those happy serial killer-faced Lifetime Achievement SAG Awards last night. Sadly, Carol changed out of her puffy Satanic slippers and into a pair of sensible Easy Spirit pumps before accepting her award on stage.
Carol should’ve kept them on and made the tricks in the room kiss her ugly UGG slippers like the way Leonardo DiCatchAHo kissed the Pope’s ring.
Goddess of the universe, Grace Jones, is releasing her memoirs titled “I’ll Never Write My Memoirs” later this month and Time Out London stuck the tip in a bit by posting a piece from it. It I had to only go by the piece Time Out London posted, I’d say that Grace’s memoirs will replace Rue McClanahan’s memoirs as my new Holy Bible. In the excerpt, Grace calls out all of the pop tricks of today (Miley Cyrus, RiRi, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Rita Ora, Sia, Madonna, etc) for copying everyone including her, and she also throws out a little blind item. Grace writes about a pop star she calls “Doris,” who is a manufactured puppet and wanted to work with her. You should read the entire sermon from the Church of Grace here, but I’ve thrown a few quotes after the cut.
Everyone can go ahead and stop giving their opinion on that asshole dentist killing Cecil the Lion, because the only voice that matters has finally bestowed her thoughts upon us. As everyone raged, I wondered, “But what does Betty White think?” I finally got my answer. The 93-year-old international treasure and gift to living things is hosting a block of animal specials for Discovery in August called “Pawgust” and while promoting it, she told the Associated Press what she thinks of Walter Palmer.
“You don’t want to hear some of the things I want to do to that man. It’s such a heartbreaker. You can’t even talk about it, and to see this king of the jungle and personifying it in every way, this gorgeous creature. How can somebody do that?”
I bet that after reading that statement, Eli Roth wondered what would Betty White do to that man if they were locked in a room together. And then Eli Roth took his ass to a movie studio to pitch Hostel: Part IV – Betty White v. Trophy Hunters.
In a rehab facility in Malibu somewhere, international treasure Liza Minnelli will stand up in front of a group of people and say, “My name is Liza with a Z and I’m alcoholic,” before she gets up on a chair and does a few minutes of “Mein Herr.” (This is how it happens in my head) Both People and TMZ say that Liza jazz walked into rehab a few days ago to deal with her addiction to the sweet nectar. This isn’t her first time in rehab. She’s done rehab a few times. Liza’s rep says that she’s doing really well and may leave in the next few days. Her rep also said this:
“Liza Minnelli has valiantly battled substance abuse over the years and whenever she has needed to seek treatment she has done so. She is currently making excellent progress at an undisclosed facility.”
You can do it again, Liza! You were married to David Gest for 16 months. You can do anything.
I was talking to my friend, who is a grown gay, about this on IM and I brought up how Judy Garland overdosed when she was just 47 and he said, “What the fuck does Judy Garland have to do with this?” And I said, “Um, is this a joke?” And he said, “No. What do you mean?” And I said, “Judy Garland gave birth to Liza, you fucking dumbass!” And he said, “Oh, I didn’t know they were related.” What in the hell kind of grown gay doesn’t know that? How dreadful. As soon as he said he didn’t know that, he told me he was going to log off and jack off to some hot chicks on Brazzers. Yup, admitting out loud that you didn’t know that Liza is Judy Garland’s daughter instantly turns you straight.
UsWeekly also mentioned that Liza was offered $500,000 to join Celebrity Rehab in 2010. Thank God she didn’t do that. Some of us would have had to turn to the bad shit to deal with watching a Hollywood legend on a Vh1 reality show with Dr. Drew.
No, this isn’t a recent picture of Richard Simmons, but I like to imagine this is how he answered the door for the police officers who came by to check up on him to prove he was A-OK. “Dispatch, this is Officer Brown. I have received visual confirmation that Richard Simmons is still a vivacious elf. Over.”
You should be throwing your arms in the air to Laura Branigan’s “Gloria” and giving praise to the legwarmer-wearing gods above today, because after many months of wondering about the health and wellness of Richard Simmons, TMZ says that he’s doing alright. That wooshing sound you just heard was a giant sigh of relief from anyone who has ever jumped on one of those tiny trampolines in their basement while watching a VHS copy of Sweatin’ to the Oldies.
According to TMZ, one of Richard’s friends sent an email to the L.A. County District Attorney’s Elder Abuse Unit last month claiming that 66-year-old Richard was being abused by someone who was clearly looking for a one-way ticket to Hell. So on Friday night around 7pm, two LAPD officers paid a visit to Richard’s house to investigate. When the cops showed up, they were greeted by Richard himself, who invited them in to his home, because Richard is a true gentleman and perfect host.
The police officers spent an hour with Richard and reported that he was “articulate, lucid, relaxed” and appreciative of their concern, adding that he couldn’t have been nicer and more gracious. They say Richard explained to them he’s has been hiding out at home because he’s “exhausted” from spending the past 30 years as a public person. That’s an understatement if I’ve ever heard one. Imagine spending 30 years being Richard Simmons? Even cocaine is like “I don’t know where he finds the energy.”
They also say he’s still walking with a limp because of his bum knee, and that he has a beard now (which I bet makes him look super handsome, like a young Bob Ross). Richard also explained why he hasn’t been to his Beverly Hills fitness studio recently, saying “I’ve got people who run things. I don’t need to be there.” Truth! Richard, you’re rich and old and put in your time; you deserve to sit back and let someone else do the click clack!
Human ray of sunshine Richard Simmons is suffering from the sads and a busted knee, and now the royal dandelion sent from heaven, the Duchess of Alba, is in the hospital. The universe is a bastard and is dimming everything that is beautiful and special in this ugly world.
The Olive Press says that the Duchess of Alba (full name: Excma. Sr.ª D.ª María del Rosario Fitz-James Stuart y de Silva, 18th Duchess of Alba de Tormes, Grandee of Spain) checked into a hospital in Sevilla on Sunday night. The 88-year-old royal jewel who has a million more titles than that peasant Dame St. Angie Jolie lives in Sevilla in one of her many opulent palaces. The Duchess of Alba’s rep says that she’s got pneumonia and even though she’s in a bad way, she’s slowly getting a little better.
“She had suffered a stomach virus a few days earlier but had recovered from it. Now she has pneumonia. At her age, one thing leads to another. She is weak. We are worried because we love her very much.”
The Duchess of Alba’s 64-year-old husband Alfonso Diez has been with her at the hospital.
Ugh, pneumonia. Pneumonia needs to fuck itself with its silent p. How dare it mess with the Duchess of Alba. If only pneumonia was a human peasant, the Duchess of Alba could use her power and 500 titles to send it to the gallows where it belongs. Well, here’s hoping that the Duchess of Alba and Richard Simmons get better and give the rainbows a reason to come out again by salsa dancing in the middle of a square in Sevilla.
If you’ve seen a rainbow recently, then it might’ve been a fake rainbow that the government created with lights and holograms, because they want you to think that everything is right in the world and Richard Simmons is happier then ever. But if TMZ is telling the truth, then it’s impossible for a natural rainbow to appear in the sky, because Richard Simmons has the sads in a major and serious way.
According to TMZ, the human sparkler who is the true inspiration for the song “You Light Up My Life” hasn’t been photographed since January of this year when he went to a charity event. Richard Simmons always held court at his fitness studio in Beverly Hills, but apparently he hasn’t graced that place with his glittery presence for a few months. Richard used to teach a class there at least once a month, but the schedule on his studio’s website says that either Richard or staff is teaching the class. Friends of Richard haven’t heard from him either and whenever somebody comes to visit him at his house, his housekeeper shoos them away.
Richard used to regularly give my eyes a heaping serving of the tingles by posting a picture of him in drag on Facebook, but he hasn’t done that in a while. Richard (or someone on his team) is still updating his FB page all the time and leaving comments, but it seems like they’re only posting old pictures.
Some source says that Richard barely ever leaves his house and is majorly depressed because his bitchy 66-year-old left knee just won’t let him twirl stars into the sky by doing what he loves most: working out. Richard’s knee is busted and doctors have told him that if he wants to keep sweatin’ to the oldies then he needs to have knee replacement surgery. Richard’s known for about a year that his left knee needs to be replaced, but he’s terrified of the surgery so he hasn’t done it yet. Richard’s right knee was replaced 4 years ago and he kept putting the surgery off because the thought of going under the knife freaked out every part of his soul. Richard tried to get his knee back into kicking condition by doing stem cell and red blood platelet therapy, but it didn’t work.
While covered in more fur than Rabbit Island and showing Arthur the Aardvark how Coke bottle glasses are really worn, the legendary Elaine Stritch is officially out of fucks to give, because she spit out her last one on the fourth hour of Today this morning.
89-year-old Elaine was on Today to talk about her documentary Shoot Me and as she rested her Keds-covered hooves on a Kathie Lee Gifford footstool (found in the clearance section of your local Raymour & Flanigan), the Kathie Lee Gifford footstool spoke and asked her about her bluntness. Kathie Lee Gifford asked for it! When you play with fire, you’re going to get burned. When you breathe in Kathie Lee’s breath, you’re going to get drunk. When you ask Elaine Stritch about her bluntness, you’re going to get the fuck word in your ears. Here’s the drop of YES that came out of Elaine’s mouth:
“Thank god it’s hasn’t been … not passed on television. If you just say things naturally, it’s fine. They’re just thinking ‘fuck.’”
Kathie Lee Gifford screamed, “Oh dear! Oh dear,” and I’m going to assume that at the same time that Elaine dropped that f-bomb, her breakfast wine buzz started to wear off and she got nervous. Because there’s no way Kathie Lee Gifford could’ve been freaking out over the fuck word. It’s the fourth hour of Today! I mean, I, for one, believe that children should learn the fuck word very early on, because it’s really one of the only words in the English language that matters, but children are not watching the fourth hour of Today. The only people watching the fourth hour of Today are people who have given up on life a long time ago and constantly say, “fuck it,” out loud to themselves, so an f-bomb is the opposite of shocking to them. And by “them” I mean “us,” because I watch that mess. It comforts me knowing that someone is more of an incoherent mess in the morning than me.
And where’s the petition to get Elaine Stritch and fellow f-bomber Sue Simmons to be the new fourth hour co-hosts of Today?
Joan Collins is life’s greatest and wisest Sage and when she gifts the world with rhinestone-encrusted words of wisdom we should all adjust our lives according to her advice. Every night, I squeeze my skinny fat body into a bath tub full of Mr. Bubbles and sip on a Diamond Water bottle full of white zinfandel mixed with soda water, because Joan has made it perfectly clear that the three keys to staying glamorous are diamonds, bubble baths and champagne. The fourth key is to become majority shareholder in your arch rival’s company, which is why I try to win at least one game of Monopoly on my iPhone a week.
Pull out your notebooks, because Joan Collins is spitting out some priceless advice again. Joan was on Loose Women yesterday promoting her one-woman show and they asked the 81-year-old glamour goddess what are the top three most important things in her 11 year marriage with her 48-year-old fifth husband Percy Gibson and she said:
“Sex, sex, sex.”
Smear the strawberries and champagne-scented lube all over your fuck parts and get it in as much as you can, whores, because Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan has spoken! The keys to happiness are diamonds, bubble baths, champagne, corporate takeovers and SEX!
While the Emmys were bumming everyone the shit out by showing us dead person after dead person, Richard Simmons was giving everybody life on Twitter. During the show, the spawn of Billy Crystal and a Care Bear, made anus lips twitch and tingle into a frenzy by tweeting pictures of him dragged up as various TV characters. You better shove an ice cube up your ass, because if you don’t, the sight of Richard Simmons in all kinds of drag will make your prostate melt and drip out of your body.
Who cares if Richard Simmons as Walter White looks more like Justin Bieber after his music career dies and he tries to make it in the world of female tennis. Who cares if Richard Simmons as Sister Jude from AHS: Asylum looks more like a strung out Tan Mom. And who cares if Richard Simmons in Game of Thrones drag looks like a sober White Oprah SANS FARDS. All of this is perfection wrapped in a rainbow wrapped in a unicorn’s air kiss wrapped in another layer of perfection.
Miley will most likely Instagram a picture of her wearing nothing but a clit cozy today and that’ll make my head swallow my eyeballs for once and for all, and that’s okay. I’ve seen everything there is to see now that I’ve seen Richard Simmons in drag as Phoebe Price. It’s like heaven jacked off in my eyes.