Go ahead and add Kathleen Turner’s name under Quincy Jones’ and Patti LuPone’s names on the list of people whose feet you want to curl up to and tilt your head as they drop golden nugget after golden nugget into your ear.
Kathleen Turner did an interview with Vulture’s David Marchese, and oh how I wish there was an audio version. Because Kathleen Turner’s sandpaper-wrapped-in-velvet voice would melt the wax in my ears from all the roasting she does. Kathleen starts the flaming right out the gate by torching Elizabeth Taylor, and from there she drags Nicolas Cage, Burt Reynolds, the Friends cast, Trump, and Hollywood-at-large. Kathleen Turner has always been a rose from the Garden of No Fucks To Give, but now she’s really blooming and I love every second of it. Let those tricks have it, Jessica Rabbit!
Alan Alda, shiny diamond of a human who is best known to most for that boring army show (don’t let my mom the M*A*S*H stan read that) but is best known to me for writing, directing, and starring in Betsy’s Wedding, announced on CBS This Morning today that he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease over three years ago. But Alan wants everyone to know that while many people with Parkinson’s suffer with seriously fucked-up symptoms that keep them from being active, he’s living his life without many issues, and has even taken up boxing. Pepaw Alda working up a sweat while beating up a punching bag is the unexpected tip-moistening image of the day for me.
Sir Ian McKellen is 78 years old. The average life expectancy of a man in the UK is 79.4. So it’s only natural for him to regularly think about the day when a million “Sir Ian McKellen Has Left Us. What Is The Point Of Going On?” headlines pop up after he waltzes with the Grim Reaper up to the heavens. The Independent says that in a new documentary about his life called McKellen: Playing The Part, Sir Ian says that every single day, he thinks about the moment when death takes his ass. Me too, Gandalf, me too. It’s nice to know that when Sir Ian and I both lay awake at night, we think about how one day we’ll be lying in a coffin. Only I think about how the doctors will forget to check that I’m dead dead, and the mortician will forget to embalm me, and I’ll wake up in my coffin and curse my family for not cremating me like I asked! Don’t know if Sir Ian has the same vision or not.
The names Tom Hanks and Mr. Rogers trended on Twitter today, so naturally people hyperventiliated their lungs off while asking themselves the following questions:
- Did Tom Hanks die?
- Did Mr. Rogers die?
- Did The New York Times publish an exposé about how in the 1980s, Tom Hanks and Mr. Rogers ran an underground child porn ring together?
The good news is, Tom Hanks is still alive. The bad news is, Mr. Rogers is still dead. And the better news is that neither of them have been accused of being sick predators. Not yet, anyway. They trended because Tom is playing Mr. Rogers in a biopic called You Are My Friend.
Celine Dion has many skills. She can make a human see the face of every God just by opening up the fountain of ethereal musical notes she calls a mouth. She can make phone calls on a shoe. She can come up with rescue plans on the spot. And she can make gays throw up a river of taffeta by giving a couture show on Instagram. But who knew that Celine Dion is also a masterful drunk whisperer who can expertly tame a fan whose motor functions are being powered by vodka.
When Celine Dion knocked hos over with her angelic voice while dressed like Alexis Carrington going to her rival’s wedding, the other Billboard Music Awards performers not named Cher should’ve started packing up their shit. And when Cher took the stage, they should’ve picked up their shit and headed toward the nearest exit, because their services were no longer needed. Being a Billboard Music Awards performer who wasn’t Cher or Celine was like being the raw vegetable platter at a Super Bowl party. Everybody only touched the vegetables because they were waiting until the real stars of the night, the pizza dip and pigs in a blanket, were brought out.