The last time I wrote about the human estrella wrapped in grace and charisma was over 4 years ago when he was laid up in a hospital in Cleveland, OH with cardiac problems. A 50,000 person deep prayer circle was formed because none of us wanted to live in a world without Puerto Rican astrologer and glamour icon Walter Mercado in it. The star baby of Galileo and a Spectra doll wasn’t as worried as we were, because he read his future in the stars and knew that he would live and go on to tell everyone what would happen if the orange tonsil stone from the Celebrity Apprentice became the President of the United States in 2016.
Walter created an astrological chart to see what the future would look like if “President Donald Trump” becomes a real thing that exists. It feels like the world is already self-destructing, but according to the future-seeing Puerto Rican blossom, the world will really eat shit if Trump becomes president. Walter gave his findings to People en Español in Spanish, and The Miami Herald translated his words into English:
“I did a chart about what I see in the future and the present of this monster, this backwards person that can lead not only the United States, but the world, to total destruction. He has no knowledge of politics and no knowledge of any type of diplomacy. He is a person that thinks money can buy anything and thinks that you can buy the conscience of all of humanity. The conscience cannot be bought with these policies that are so insulting and offensive to the human race.
I am totally, completely and absolutely in favor of Hillary, and astrologically, she is the better prospect. God willing, the stars will align so that we will have the right president.”
In related news, I’m watching CNN right now and Anderson Cooper just announced that the Democratic National Convention has been canceled and all of the speakers have been sent home. Because now that Walter Mercado has officially endorsed Hillary Clinton, nothing else needs to be said!
Even though Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness is now up in heaven, knocking on the door’s of the angels, he continues to be the gift that keeps on giving. Not only is he continuing to give Maury more material since hundreds of people (including a mess who claims to be his sole heir) have come forward claiming to be related to him. But Prince continues to give us anecdotes that warm our ice cold souls.
Bruce Springsteen’s show in North Carolina didn’t happen yesterday because he canceled it over the state passing a bill that requires transgender people to use the public bathroom that matches their birth certificate and makes it pretty damn hard to sue your job for discrimination. The giant-sized hot piece with impeccable hair plugs we know as Joel McHale went on with his show in Durham, NC on Friday night, but announced that he was donating every dime he made from the gig to the city’s LGBTQ center. Well, now it’s Bryan Adams’ turn to let a state know that he wants to shit all over their anti-LGBT bill.
Because yesterday was a Sunday, ANOTHER country music awards show happened, but this one was a little more special than the others, because it honored the one-of-a-kind legend in an angelic wig: Dolly Parton! At the Academy of Country Music Awards in Las Vegas last night, Dolly was given the Tex Ritter Award for her TV movie Dolly Parton’s Coat of Many Colors, which aired last December. God himself should’ve shot down from Heaven to present the award to one of his greatest creations, but Katy Perry did it for some reason. Maybe Dolly Parton’s future successor Lisa Gail was already booked last night?
While appropriating country glamour culture by doing herself up like Cowboy Curtis’ side piece
Drugstore Cowgirl Katy 99 Cent Store Cowgirl Katy, Orlando Bloom’s current boo presented her “hero” Dolly Parton with the award and afterward, the two yodeled out a medley that included “Coat of Many Colors,” “Jolene” and “9 to 5.” Never mind that Katy Perry should’ve been arrested for that discount Halloween costume, she should’ve dropped her mic and dosey doe’d into the audience so that Dolly could’ve had the stage to herself! But Dolly probably wouldn’t have wanted that. Dolly is as charitable as she is gorgeous and was kind enough to let a musical lesser perform with her:
When is Dolly Parton going to get the sainthood she clearly deserves? I mean, she should get it for the simple fact that she resisted the urge to snatch that $4 “Flo from Progressive” wig off of Katy Perry’s head. Wearing that wig in front of the goddess of wigs is breaking all the commandments.
Over the weekend, many of us pulled out our St. Richard candle, put on our silky prayin’ shorts and slipped a black sequined veil over our faces before saying a million prayers for Richard Simmons. Others, put on their Spandex camouflage cat suits as they made plans to rescue Richard Simmons from his hostage situation. Because on Saturday, the New York Daily News published a long piece about the disappearance of the human halo of fabulousness and it included interviews with friends who believe that he’s being held against his will by his manager, brother and housekeeper. One friend believes that his housekeeper cast some bruja shit on Richard. Well, Richard’s voice has popped up to tell everyone that his maid Teresa Reveles isn’t holding him captive, everything is fine and we can call off Operation: Save The Sequined Treasure.
There are many things that are perfectly okay to swat away. Those things include annoying mosquitos, annoying mosquitos’ human cousin Taylor Swift, a relative asking you for a loan, your hungry child asking you for food while you’re trying to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta, etc… There are also things that are not okay to swat away no matter what and one of those things is your 80s-90s TV daddy John Goodman. Kristen Wiig apparently broke that rule and I demand that she pay the price for that by spending the rest of her days on Death Row!