When I was 13 I decided I wanted to dye my dark brown hair ice blond, because I was bored and dumber than I am now (if that can be believed). My little friend, who had dyed her hair every color of the Manic Panic rainbow, told me that she could easily do it for me in one day. Well, the ho told a lot of lies. If I ever have a CT scan, the doctor is going to see dozens of large holes burnt into my brain. No, all of those holes aren’t only from drugs and from looking at Kim Kardashian’s Vogue cover. Most of them are from the hair bleach that sat on my head too long and burned through my skull. My friend left that hair bleach on for way too long and it felt like acid was eating my head alive. After she bent me over the tub to wash that head-eating devil cream out of my hair, I looked down and saw clumps of my hair falling into the tub and those clumps were the exact color of Kristen Stewart’s hair.
UsWeekly says that KStew’s in New Orleans shooting American Ultra and the director wants her to have orange hair with dark ass roots, so she went to the Maison de Cheveux salon to get it done. The salon Instragrammed this picture of KStew’s new vomit-colored hair. KStew is playing a burnout in American Ultra and this is offensive to every burnout out there. What self-respecting burnout would walk around with hair the color of the barf you’d puke out after eating a bad plate of penne with salmon in vodka sauce.
Maybe the director wants her hair color to take the focus off of her acting. If that’s the case, he’s a genius (but it’s still not going to work)!
Jennifer Love Hewitt has a 4-month-old baby, a husband and a vajazzle addiction to feed, so she’s back out on the ho stroll to make that money. Kaley Cuoco’s desperate mess idol came out for the L.A. launch party for the line of maternity clothes she designed (read: put her name on and collected a check) for A Pea in a Pod. Because JLove never talks about her weight and body, she talked about her weight and body with E! News and says that she did the line for A Pea in a Pod to empower women. Oh, JLove, you have a crazy way of saying “to empower my checking account.”
On trying to lose the chunk after birthing a human: “It’s hard, it’s really hard. And I wasn’t sure where I was going to fall and what was going to happen and how I was going to feel. It just feels great to sort of be honest about the fact that it is tough and these clothes make it a little easier, make me feel beautiful. I’m still in a lot of my pregnancy clothes and there is just where I feel good right now. Everything hasn’t returned back to where I want it to be and put on my other clothes and feel good about that.”
On people talking shit about people’s clothes is the reason why she put her name on a line of clothes for the knocked up set: “We’re sort of in this odd time in our society right now where women are not being nice to each other. We’ve got a lot of reality stuff where people being mean to each other and, fashion-wise, people are talking bad about each other. I thought, ‘What a beautiful place to put my energy?’ Make a line for women, by a woman, who actually wants them to feel great and feel beautiful and look fantastic and look better than everyone walking around, especially at a time when you cannot feel very good about yourself.”
I’m not going to talk shit about JLove’s clothes, but I am going to talk shit about THAT UGLY ASS GUINEA PIG HAIR. After years of whispering to ghosts, couldn’t one of those ghosts returned the favor by whispering the word “NO” into her ear when she turned around and saw herself in the salon mirror for the first time after going blonde? I know some hos think that going blonde is going to make them look like a bombshell, but sometimes it can make you look like a third-tier 80s rocker whose body was just pulled out of a bathtub after lying there for days. But in JLove’s defense, she just had a baby. That barf color is the perfect color of hair to have when you’re taking care of a new baby. Because when your baby barfs on your hair, all you have to do is just rub it in and keep your day moving.
Your eyeballs are probably freaking out and jumping all over the place like you just gave yourself a Red Bull enema while freebasing speed. There’s nowhere safe for your eyes to land. You look up and you see Kim Kardashian’s rubber spatula face that looks like a cross between a melting horse Shrinky Dink and a plastic Mr. Hankey toy in a wig. You look down and you see Kim’s ribs breaking and her internal organs being smushed from that soda pop can tab mess. What am I saying? Bitch had her ribs and organs removed and replaced with stress ball jelly a long ass time ago.
While wearing a jacked-up outfit from The House of You Don’t Love Yourself, Kim and her latest face joined her fellow hos Khloe Kardashian and the slow one at the opening of Dash in Miami tonight. THAT FACE. Her nose is getting as small as Pimp Mama Kris’ sense of dignity (hahaha, like PMK has any dignity) and she looks like a trout that just sucked off a Lemonhead. THAT OUTFIT. That outfit is honestly propaganda for anti-recycling, because all of that metal should be destroyed.
And that chainmail must be some seriously strong shit, because it’s somehow able to hold in Kim’s ego, delusions, narcissism and all those man-made materials in her body. That shit should be declared the strongest material in the world.
Amber Heard was honored
for dating Johnny Depp at the Texas Film Awards (How many the fuck film awards do we need?) in Austin last night and she brought along the spirit of an old timey chimney sweeper trapped in the body of her fiancé Johnny Depp. Pussy so good it’s got Johnny Depp wearing a sad, deflated, burnt, unflavored soufflé on his head. They both look like every definition of mess. It’s like they were making their way to that shit when they got mugged and the thief stole all their clothes too, so they had to run into a community theater costume closet and wear whatever was in there.
Amber’s dress looks exactly like the shawl my abuelita draped over her praying table. If my abuelita saw Amber, she’d bend over her over, put Santo Nino jar candles from Rite Aid on her back and pray to Hay-Soos Christo for Johnny Deep to stop fighting the hot already. Johnny Deep isn’t only fighting the hot, he’s also fighting a visit to the dentist. He looks like he ate a chewing tobacco and caca sandwich and washed it down with Sochi tap water. Amber should put that huge diamond engagement ring to good use and use it scrape all the layers of shit off of Johnny’s teeth. Help your ho out, Amber!
Paging Justin Bieber’s Au Pair! He Dropped A Doody In His Trash Pants And He’s Kind Of Upset About It
After Justin Bieber celebrated baby’s first mug shot with his enabling douche leech of a daddy in Miami, he and his entourage of assholian hanger-oners, including his drag racing co-pilot Chantel Jeffries, took their asses over to Panama where he’s currently assaulting the beaches by doing shit like this. When the Biebs isn’t showing the seagulls how real thugs thug by speeding his pimped out Big Wheels along the beach, he’s shooting homemade music videos. While wearing culottes by Hefty, the toddler piece of trash in a trash bag shot this emotional scene where he reaches down to his crotch and reacts to not feeling anything. The hand says “error 404″ and the face says “Console me, Uncie Usher!” It’s his greatest performance yet.
In other Wild Kidz news, TMZ says that douche levels in Calabasas will soon drop by at least 50%, because the Biebs is going to sell his Palace of Sizzurpy Dreams and terrorize another zip code. The house hasn’t been listed yet, but the Beliebers have already offered everything in their piggy banks for it. I hope the Biebs sells to them, because if he does they’ll lick every wall and floor tile, and that could take a while. It will keep them busy.
The L.A. Times also reports that February 14th has been set as the date for the Biebs’ arraignment hearing in Miami. Happy VD! It’s going to be a strange Valentine’s Day for 5th grade teachers. Every 5th grade classroom will be filled with sad Valentine’s Day decorations and confused teachers will shuffle around their empty room, not knowing what to do with themselves, because all of their students will be at home praying to their Bieber altar while watching TMZ’s live stream from the court room. But please, nothing’s going to happen at that hearing. The Biebs doesn’t even have to be there. All charges will be dropped and we’ll have a reason to get extra boozed up that night. You better buy two extra bottles of Andre now.
They’re cheering on the outside, but on the inside they’re saying, “Fuck these Olympics right in Ralph Lauren’s ass.”
Before designing the Winter Olympics uniforms for Team USA, Ralph Lauren told his design team (who were obviously made up of all of our grandmas, memaws and abuelitas) to picture what would come out of a bald eagle’s beak if it got a never-ending case of the barfs after gorging on UglySweaterStore.com and Sarah Palin’s wardrobe. Then he told them to translate that puddle of bald eagle barf into a sweater. And that’s how the Team USA uniforms were born.
An entire nation screamed, “My ‘Murican memaw got me that shit for Christmas!” when the uniforms that Team USA will wear during the Opening Ceremony made its debut on Today this morning. Behold, this mess. It looks like the result of an Old Navy, NASCAR and Tommy Hilfiger outlet bukkake party. And if you thought there was no way these uniforms could look more hilariously ridiculous, here’s Matt Lauer, Natalie Morales and that ghost from TRL’s past to prove you wrong.
Natalie Morales is smiling something extra, because she finally found an outfit she can wear when she doesn’t want Matt Lauer to touch her ass with his eyes. That sucio perv Matt Lauer is smiling, because he knows what Natalie is thinking and knows that she’s wrong.
And in case I haven’t made myself clear: I LOVE THESE BUSTED UNIFORMS!
(Pics via @TODAYShow)
Over the weekend, Brad Pitt worked the award show ho stroll and even though he’s had that Situation haircut for a little while, some hos still asked themselves, “But for why does this bitch look like the standby hurdy gurdy player in an Arcade Fire cover band?” Brad Pitt was asked by reporters at the Producers Guild Awards last night why he got the haircut every Williamsburg hipster bartender got in 2012 and he said that he was forced to get it for that WWII movie he’s shooting with Shia LaDouche in England. Brad Pitt’s hair was just cut that way. It wasn’t a choice! UsWeekly broke down this HIGHLY IMPORTANT news:
“It’s for a part,” Pitt, 49, told E! News at the Producers Guild Awards in Beverly Hills, where the new ‘do looked pretty much perfect with his tuxedo. “It’s not a choice!” Indeed, the military-inspired look is for his WWII role opposite Shia LaBeouf and others in Fury, which has been shooting in the UK.
My eyeballs will never forget when Brad grew the nastiest beard and looked like a mangy, down-trodden, weathered hobo billy goat who was constantly attacked by guineafowls trying to eat the fleas and maggots out of his hair. Any look is better than that look. Brad Pitt could get a portrait of the UGGs-CROCs devil child tattooed on his cheek and I’d still say, “Eh, still better than that billy goat shit.” So for that reason alone, I don’t totally hate the Macklemore on his head.
And here’s Brad with Steve McQueen and Chiwetel Ejiofor at the PGAs last night.
Jennifer Lawrence knows that she’s America’s Newest Sweetheart (your retirement papers are waiting for you at the America’s Sweetheart headquarters, Julia Roberts) and she knows that Hollywood has spread its ass cheeks and is offering up its gaping asshole to her, so she didn’t give one care while dressing for the Golden Globes yesterday. Jennifer Lawrence smoked a few bowls and wrapped a sheet around her body before asking her assistants to cinch her with two black fabric belts from T.J.Maxx. Then she looked at the wreck in the mirror and said, “I’ll blame this disaster on Dior! Now pack another bowl for mama!” That’s a look that says that she knows that even though she shows up looking like she was just in a ship wreck, they’ll still throw all the awards at her. And they did, because an ILLEGAL act happened when Jennifer Lawrence’s name was announced instead of Lupita Nyong’o's name. Here’s Jennifer’s OMGICANTBELIEVEIT speech.
And for the record, Ariel worked it better. Like I even had to ask!
I know, what a hideous, trashy bag. I’m talking about the purse, but that statement works for anybody in this picture (except for you, Sea Green Tank Top Lady. Werk!)
Last night, the Internet had a collective waking night terror when Kim Kardashian Instragramm’d a picture of the hand-painted Birkin bag that Kanye West gave to her for Khristmas. Like klockwork, Pimp Mama Kris’ main ho hit the stroll with Kanye and her dark-sided, unholy bag, and DAMN, it’s HUGE. That bag could double as a carrying case for Kanye’s massive, throbbing ego. Kim could fit her entire turducken ass in that bag. North West is probably living in a corner in that big and it’s still too much square footage for her. That bag might be bigger than Kim’s pussy. It’s that big. And because it’s enormous, that George Condo-painted Kardashian whore orgy scene looks even more terrifying.
I don’t know what’s more horrifying: that bag or the fact that Kim has completely Who-ified her face.
It’s messes like this that make me grateful that Kanye West has the fashion sense of a cold turd sitting on a sidewalk and constantly suffocates Kim Kardashian when he wraps her seven layers of Spanx and makes her look like an overstuffed egg roll. Kanye is always coming up with new and creative ways to make Kim look as ridiculous as damn possible. Kim is dead enough inside to just shrug and say okay when Kanye says that her tits would look really hot if she covers them in that foam netting sleeves that covers the melons at Asian grocery stores.
Bitch looks like a 10 pounds of ground beef in a small flour tortilla and if she had frijoles and some corn cake on her sides, she’d be a burrito combination plate at El Torito. And now I’ll never ever be able to order a burrito at El Torito again.
Here’s more of Kim and her ever-changing face going to dinner with her ho apparent Kendall Jenner in NYC tonight.