Behold, St. Angie Jolie’s Wedding Dress Which Is Now The Most Important Religious Artifact Of All-Time
Before pictures of St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s holy wedding grace the first pages of the Holy Bible, they were gracious enough to lease the pictures to People and Hello! for their final issues. I say “final issues,” because People and Hello! are going out of business since they spent all their money on this shit.
Because St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt are HIGHLY protective of their personal lives and are the epitome of private, they sold their wedding pictures to People and Hello! and spit out details about the dress that has surpassed Jan Crouch’s soft-serve cotton candy dump hair as history’s greatest religious artifact. St. Angie Jolie tells People that her wedding dress was designed by family friend Luigi Massi, the head tailor at Atelier Versace. If St. Angie wanted a dress that looked like it was marked “irregular” and came from the “take it, just take it for free” bin at a David’s Bridal, then it’s absolutely perfect. To make the dress even more personal, Luigi sewed drawings made by the child army into the dress and veil.
“Luigi is like family to me and I couldn’t imagine anyone else making this dress,” says Jolie. “He knows and cares for the children and it was great fun putting it together.”
She looks like she’s wearing a tablecloth from Romano’s Macaroni Grill after a bunch of kids doodled all over it with crayons. I just want to pull up a chair next to her dress and order some house wine and fettuccine alfredo. With that being said, I’m sure workers are currently removing Michelangelo’s The Creation of Adam from the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, because they’re going to replace it with St. Angie’s dress.
And here’s Brad and St. Angie sucking face on Hello!
All I see is HAAAAAAAAAAAND.
I had two major thoughts while looking at this picture of Kristen Stewart at the Chanel Paris Fashion Week show. Yes, two – my brain was working extra hard this morning for some reason:
1. What the hell even is that smile supposed to be? It looks like KStew is trying to pull a Side Eyeing Chloe (the key word here being trying; KStew can never reach the level of flawless toothy DILLIGAF glamour of Chloe).
2. What picture of Blossom-era Joey Lawrence did Kristen Stewart bring in to her stylist? Was it this one? What am I saying, OF COURSE it was that one.
Kristen Stewart dyed her hair the same color as recalled tainted baby food for the movie American Ultra, but there’s no word on why she decided to go one step further up the fug ladder by chopping it all off. I’m guessing it’s also for a movie, and that movie is a biopic of Burnie, the Miami Heat mascot. Judging by how busted that hair is, combined with the fact that KStew’s acting range is limited to various shades of boredom, I’m guessing KStew plays Bernie during his awkward teen years. I smell an Oscaaaaaar!
And my say something nice is this: I always wondered what it would look like if early-Twlight Robert Pattinson moved out to the country, dyed his hair with some flea market Feria, married a drywall installer named Darryl and started hosted Passion Parties from the garage. And now I know! Thanks Kristen!
Here’s more of Kristen at the Chanel show wearing some shitty genie pants and $10 white pumps. Real talk – she looks like a dollar store Jasmine doll I had as a kid, and that’s all I’ll say about that. Also in attendance was Phil Collins daughter, the chick from the vampire show, Kaa from The Jungle Book wearing an Anna Wintour wig, and Jesus’s coke-dealing stepbrother Jared Leto.
I know, how dare I compare singer Charli XCX and her messy pile of black mosquito netting to the exquisite goth glamour of shameless true blue slut Morticia Addams. I’m honestly hanging in my head in shame. And quite frankly, so should Charli XCX; the bar for pseudo-gothic skanky side-boob was set pretty high by Rose McGowan, so unless you’re planning on showing up in nothing but a thong and two spiders glued to your nipples, don’t even bother.
But because I believe in giving credit where credit’s due, Charli XCX gets a single clap of approval from me for at least trying to inject some trampy glamour into the 2014 Bill-bored Music Awardzzzz. The Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher must have had to check her invitation four times to see if she was at the right event, because everyone showed up to the Billboard Awards in Las Vegas in fancy-ass ball gowns and Grace Kelly-looking hair like it was the damn Oscars. Which is all kinds of “excuse you, bitch”-levels of wrong, because if any award show held in Las Vegas is on par with the Oscars, it’s the AVN Awards (DUH). Charl XCX is clearly wiser than her 21 years; she understood that the Billboard Awards are the Grammy Award’s nitrous-huffing burnout cousin and dressed appropriately.
Here’s more of Charli XCX wearing Hot Topic’s version of the slut dress (“Can you check in the back to see if we have any more of those Edgar Allan Poe-job dresses?”) at the Billboring Awardzzzz, as well as her partner in copyright infringement Iggy Azalea who chose classy over trashy (bad move, always choose trashy if you’ve got the ass for it), Jennifer Lopez showing us what the unedited pictures of her A.K.A. album cover looked like before she destroyed all evidence of their existence, the gas station bath salts Grace Kelly Kesha, Kanye’s old My Size Barbie Amber Rose in a pair of your Memaw’s solar shields, JOSH “oh, the things I would so would“ GROBAN, and a super jacked-looking wig with guest (guest: Chrissy Teigen).
The Deaner Grabbed A Couple Bucks From Tori Spelling’s Wallet And Bought Her A Ring For Their Anniversary
Nothing says I love you like buying your wife a ring using the dirty money you earned by faking a marriage crisis for a reality television show. The Deaner - truly one of the last great romantics.
Tori Spelling and the beady-eyed gold-digging human trash bag of overactive sperm she calls a husband celebrated their 8th wedding anniversary on Wednesday. According to People, The Deaner shuffles his useless ass into jewellery store Neil Lane every year to drop a stack of Tori’s cash on a fancy ring for his
investment wife (which in turn forces Neil Lane to drop a fat stack on Fabreze to get rid of the lingering stench of Coors Light, Victoria’s Secret body spritz, and chicken wings) and this year he chose a hand-engraved, vintage ring set in 18-carat gold with sapphires, rubies and peridots.
“Dean wanted to keep tradition and celebrate their anniversary and ‘love story’ with a very special, beautiful ring set in gold — and this one is really cool with lots of color,” Lane tells People. “He loved the multi-color and he wanted gems. It’s very stylish and different. He wanted to get a really special jewel, something meaningful –he wanted to show up for Tori with a beautiful ring.”
Neil, you idiot! You were supposed to say “love sTORI“, not “love story”. Didn’t you memorize the script that was sent over from the producers of True Tori? Good luck getting that check now buddy. But I wonder how The Deaner, a known idiot with the memory of a goldfish, was able to pick out such a perfect gift? I bet he had a little help from the girls at Hooters:
“Hey sugar tits, can you do The Deaner a solid and pack a to-go box with a couple chicken wings? What’s crappenin’ here is that The Deaner has to peace out a little early today and buy an anniversary present for the wife. Fuck me, right? No really, can I get a handy to go with those wings? Aw, c’mon ladies, you can’t fault The Deaner for trying to keep it sleazy.”
Here’s Tori and The Deaner celebrating their anniversary on Wednesday night. Say Something Nice: it was very thoughtful of The Deaner to put on one of his “good” t-shirts for the occasion.
Pics: Flame Flynet
My thoughts and prayers go out to that pussy in the middle of that pussy collage tank who’s obviously making a “Dear God, for why have I been forced to be seen with this douche?” look.
Adam Levine looked in the mirror one day and thought to himself, “Hmm, I wonder how I can make myself look even sleazier?” The little douche devil sitting on his shoulder whispered into his ear, “Bleach your hair.” So that’s what he did. Yesterday, Adam tweeted this picture of him showing off his new Spike from Buffy hair next to the fiancee he’ll probably dump in a few months for a younger Victoria’s Secret Angel. When I was a teenager, I tried bleaching my hair several times, because that’s what teenagers do. Every time I’d bleach my hair, most of my hair would fall out. My friend told me that my hair was doing me a favor, because if the blond stayed on my head, I’d look like a Santa Monica Blvd. meth whore. Her comments hurt me extra hard, because the Santa Monica Blvd. meth whore look was the look I was trying to go for. Anyway, Adam’s hair did him no favors, because it stayed in his head and he looks a mess.
That blond hair is really elongating his sixhead. He went from having a sixhead to having a RiRihead. He looks like the villain from Desperately Seeking Susan’s equally as creepy son. He looks like a NYC video store clerk from the 90s who jacks off under the counter while watching ladies bend over to pick out a movie on the bottom shelf. And that blue steel pose. More like blue foil.
And yes, yes, I would, but only so I could find out if he bleached his dick bush too.
I know, I should shank myself in the ass in a communal shower for even asking that question. When any ho goes up against Crazy Eyes in the “Who Worked It Better?” game, it isn’t Crazy Eyes who loses.
Defibrillator pads were working overtime at the iFart Radio Awards in Los Angeles last night when the hearts of dozens of whores nearly stopped after RiRi sashayed on through with her nipple knobs and pussy lips actually covered up. Bitch was so covered up (for RiRi) that you’d think she was going to church. RiRi’s nipple slits and asshole must’ve felt so confused and suffocated, because usually they’re out in the open breathing in air. Everyone figured RiRi would show up in nothing but patent leather creepers and a beaded tampon string hanging out of her cooch. But RiRi really gave everyone a serious SHOCK when she wore clothes.
Speaking of those clothes, it looks like she bought all those clothes at a Charlotte Russe and Judy’s after time-traveling back to 1995. She looks like Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes if Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes played Fairuza Balk’s character in The Craft. It looks like The Matrix, Coolio and the Urban Decay section of an Urban Outfitters all took a shit on her at the same time. And you know, I don’t even hate it. Yes, that blue black green lipstick makes her look like the dead body of a hooker that was floating in the swamp for days, but that lipstick turned her tongue blue. And looking like you just tongue fucked Tobias Funke IS the look.
When I was 13 I decided I wanted to dye my dark brown hair ice blond, because I was bored and dumber than I am now (if that can be believed). My little friend, who had dyed her hair every color of the Manic Panic rainbow, told me that she could easily do it for me in one day. Well, the ho told a lot of lies. If I ever have a CT scan, the doctor is going to see dozens of large holes burnt into my brain. No, all of those holes aren’t only from drugs and from looking at Kim Kardashian’s Vogue cover. Most of them are from the hair bleach that sat on my head too long and burned through my skull. My friend left that hair bleach on for way too long and it felt like acid was eating my head alive. After she bent me over the tub to wash that head-eating devil cream out of my hair, I looked down and saw clumps of my hair falling into the tub and those clumps were the exact color of Kristen Stewart’s hair.
UsWeekly says that KStew’s in New Orleans shooting American Ultra and the director wants her to have orange hair with dark ass roots, so she went to the Maison de Cheveux salon to get it done. The salon Instragrammed this picture of KStew’s new vomit-colored hair. KStew is playing a burnout in American Ultra and this is offensive to every burnout out there. What self-respecting burnout would walk around with hair the color of the barf you’d puke out after eating a bad plate of penne with salmon in vodka sauce.
Maybe the director wants her hair color to take the focus off of her acting. If that’s the case, he’s a genius (but it’s still not going to work)!
Jennifer Love Hewitt has a 4-month-old baby, a husband and a vajazzle addiction to feed, so she’s back out on the ho stroll to make that money. Kaley Cuoco’s desperate mess idol came out for the L.A. launch party for the line of maternity clothes she designed (read: put her name on and collected a check) for A Pea in a Pod. Because JLove never talks about her weight and body, she talked about her weight and body with E! News and says that she did the line for A Pea in a Pod to empower women. Oh, JLove, you have a crazy way of saying “to empower my checking account.”
On trying to lose the chunk after birthing a human: “It’s hard, it’s really hard. And I wasn’t sure where I was going to fall and what was going to happen and how I was going to feel. It just feels great to sort of be honest about the fact that it is tough and these clothes make it a little easier, make me feel beautiful. I’m still in a lot of my pregnancy clothes and there is just where I feel good right now. Everything hasn’t returned back to where I want it to be and put on my other clothes and feel good about that.”
On people talking shit about people’s clothes is the reason why she put her name on a line of clothes for the knocked up set: “We’re sort of in this odd time in our society right now where women are not being nice to each other. We’ve got a lot of reality stuff where people being mean to each other and, fashion-wise, people are talking bad about each other. I thought, ‘What a beautiful place to put my energy?’ Make a line for women, by a woman, who actually wants them to feel great and feel beautiful and look fantastic and look better than everyone walking around, especially at a time when you cannot feel very good about yourself.”
I’m not going to talk shit about JLove’s clothes, but I am going to talk shit about THAT UGLY ASS GUINEA PIG HAIR. After years of whispering to ghosts, couldn’t one of those ghosts returned the favor by whispering the word “NO” into her ear when she turned around and saw herself in the salon mirror for the first time after going blonde? I know some hos think that going blonde is going to make them look like a bombshell, but sometimes it can make you look like a third-tier 80s rocker whose body was just pulled out of a bathtub after lying there for days. But in JLove’s defense, she just had a baby. That barf color is the perfect color of hair to have when you’re taking care of a new baby. Because when your baby barfs on your hair, all you have to do is just rub it in and keep your day moving.
Your eyeballs are probably freaking out and jumping all over the place like you just gave yourself a Red Bull enema while freebasing speed. There’s nowhere safe for your eyes to land. You look up and you see Kim Kardashian’s rubber spatula face that looks like a cross between a melting horse Shrinky Dink and a plastic Mr. Hankey toy in a wig. You look down and you see Kim’s ribs breaking and her internal organs being smushed from that soda pop can tab mess. What am I saying? Bitch had her ribs and organs removed and replaced with stress ball jelly a long ass time ago.
While wearing a jacked-up outfit from The House of You Don’t Love Yourself, Kim and her latest face joined her fellow hos Khloe Kardashian and the slow one at the opening of Dash in Miami tonight. THAT FACE. Her nose is getting as small as Pimp Mama Kris’ sense of dignity (hahaha, like PMK has any dignity) and she looks like a trout that just sucked off a Lemonhead. THAT OUTFIT. That outfit is honestly propaganda for anti-recycling, because all of that metal should be destroyed.
And that chainmail must be some seriously strong shit, because it’s somehow able to hold in Kim’s ego, delusions, narcissism and all those man-made materials in her body. That shit should be declared the strongest material in the world.
Amber Heard was honored
for dating Johnny Depp at the Texas Film Awards (How many the fuck film awards do we need?) in Austin last night and she brought along the spirit of an old timey chimney sweeper trapped in the body of her fiancé Johnny Depp. Pussy so good it’s got Johnny Depp wearing a sad, deflated, burnt, unflavored soufflé on his head. They both look like every definition of mess. It’s like they were making their way to that shit when they got mugged and the thief stole all their clothes too, so they had to run into a community theater costume closet and wear whatever was in there.
Amber’s dress looks exactly like the shawl my abuelita draped over her praying table. If my abuelita saw Amber, she’d bend over her over, put Santo Nino jar candles from Rite Aid on her back and pray to Hay-Soos Christo for Johnny Deep to stop fighting the hot already. Johnny Deep isn’t only fighting the hot, he’s also fighting a visit to the dentist. He looks like he ate a chewing tobacco and caca sandwich and washed it down with Sochi tap water. Amber should put that huge diamond engagement ring to good use and use it scrape all the layers of shit off of Johnny’s teeth. Help your ho out, Amber!