That little speck next to Justin Bieber’s eye isn’t a mole, or a tick thirsty for his douche blood or a tiny splatter of caca that ended up on his face while his au pair changed his diaper. It’s his newest unholy work of tattoo art.
The Biebs posted that Emo picture on his Instagram last night, and since his crazed followers have memorized everything about him, they instantly spotted that new drop of ink on his mug. UsWeekly says that Justin added a new tattoo to his collection of ink art, which includes that sassy Jesus tattoo and his fapping knight tattoo. The source says that on Friday night, the Biebs and Joe Termini, the Jimbo Jones to his Nelson Muntz, got matching cross tattoo just below their eyes at the West 4th Tattoo Parlor in NYC.
That thing is so tiny, and I would make a joke about how that’s probably what Selena Gomez said the first time they got naked, but sadly, my eyeballs know that’s not true. But really, if you’re going to get a face tattoo, get a face tattoo. Don’t half-ass that shit. Go full Gucci Mane. That tiny cross tattoo just makes him look like a cholo altar boy. I bet that tiny cross tattoo wasn’t his first choice. I bet that he really wanted to show everyone how much of a badass he is by getting a teardrop tattoo, but even he knows he hasn’t earned one yet. Don’t worry, Biebs, when you get a perfect score on the Whac-A-Mole game at Boomer’s, you’ll be able to get that teardrop tattoo. Because you’ll officially be the most ruthless and hardest toddler at the arcade.
And here’s Biebs looking a mess in NYC on Friday night.
Jennifer Garner already kicked Ben Affleck’s phoenix tattoo in the dick with a very simple “bless his heart,” and now it’s the other Jennifer’s turn to barf all over it.
One half of Bennifer 1.0 was on Watch What Happens Live last night and during a game of Plead the Fifth, Andy Cohen asked JLo to give her thoughts on the humongous phoenix tattoo that the definition of “mid-life crisis” shat up all over Ben’s back. JLo isn’t the one to be giving reviews on tattoos since her current rent-to-own piece, Casper the Friendly Gold Digger, has Marc Anthony’s face inked into his arm, but she did anyway. And anybody who has the ability to see would agree with her.
Hump on the nanny: Check! Buy a muscle car: Check! Get a symbol for your wandering dick’s newfound freedom tattooed on your back: Check! Ben Affleck isn’t checking all the boxes on the midlife crisis checklist, he’s punching that shit. This is a midlife crisis on Monster energy drink-infused roids.
After shooting scenes for Live By Night in L.A. yesterday, Ben Affleck was walking back to his trailer when the paparazzi got a picture of the enormous phoenix tattoo covering his back. It looks like a Meat Loaf album cover shat up all over his back. A few months ago, the paps got a picture of what looked like Ben Affleck’s tramp stamp, but he didn’t get a tramp stamp. He got a phoenix rising from the ashes (get it?) inked into his back skin. It’s the douche with the phoenix tattoo.
Apparently, the tattoo isn’t fake. UsWeekly says that it’s real and it’s spectacular!
And the telling body art — the phoenix, of course, is a mythological creature and a symbol of rebirth and reinvention — is the real deal, a source confirms to Us Weekly.
That’s the kind of tattoo you get when you’re a newly single 40-something dude and you pull up to a tattoo shop in a yellow sports car with your 20-something girlfriend. You don’t even have to say anything to the tattoo artist. They know that you want the midlife crisis special and they also know that you’re probably going to come back in later to get something pierced, so they give you a coupon for that. I can’t wait to see pictures of Ben Affleck busting out some moves in the middle of an EDM festival while wearing a sleeveless Affliction t-shirt.
With that being said, I still would.
After their marriage bit and swallowed the dust, Kaley Cuoco and her husband of a second Ryan Sweeting learned a lesson many of us hos already knew: It’s probably not the best idea to marry a trick and honor your “love” with a tattoo minutes after you touched genitals for the first time. Kaley got their wedding date inked into her back and Ryan got her name tattooed on his arm. As soon as I saw Kaley’s tattoo, my cynical ass figured that in the future she’d either have to laser it off or she’d have to marry her next husband on New Year’s or she’d have to cover that mess up with another tattoo. Kaley did the latter and today, she Instagrammed a picture of what she covered it up with. Her back now looks like an unfinished Silence of the Lambs poster. Buffalo Bill’s going to think that Kaley is flirting with him.
Kaley thanked the tattoo artiste who erased her wedding date from her back and also added that she got a moth tattoo because it got the job done:
Thank you @nero_sct @studiocitytattoo for helping me right my wrongs.. note to self- do not mark your body with any future wedding dates #under30mistakes #donttakeyourselftooseriouslykids
the deep, meaningful, larger than life meaning behind this beautiful piece of ink, is….. It covered the last one.
Moths are annoying and are attention whores who are always trying to hog up the light, so that tattoo is perfect! But really, I actually like it for 3 reasons. If you look at the bottom of the moth, it looks like a short dick with two wart-covered nuts. The best kind of tattoo is a tattoo that has a peen on it.
And here’s Kaley in Colonel Sanders cosplay at a dog charity event a few days ago:
You know, I was really hoping that break-up Gwen Stefani would really show out and hit the American Music Awards red carpet in nothing but nipples pasties, a pussy patch, exquisite Lucite heels and the words “Fuck That Cheating Slut Gavin Rossdale” scribbled onto her body in glitter marker. But instead of doing that, Gwen disappointed us all by showing up looking like a rejected Valley of the Dolls extra who got tangled up in the curtains while working a day shift at a goth-themed whore house. This is not the “I’M SINGLE NOW” outfit I was hoping she’d wear.
Warning: This is what happens when you bone Blake Shelton regularly. You dress like Kanye West styled you. This is like the look-for-less version of Barbra Streisand’s 1960s Oscar ensemble.
Gwen also performed her new song Used To Love You and she traded in her “fembot at a funeral” look for “albino predator caught in a fishnet.”
I said in my first sentence that I wish Gwen would’ve slapped Gavin down with her outfit, but I think she did that in her performance. I don’t know sign language, but I’m pretty sure the interpretive background dancers are signing the words,“Eat shit Gavin Rossdale,” with their bodies.
When Duchess Kate wore a homely dress made out of dusty old curtains to the Spectre premiere in London, I joked that not even Dame St. Angie Jolie, the reigning empress of grandma dresses, would wear that matronly mess. Well, I sit corrected, because here’s St. Angie Jolie last night wearing a dowdy ass dress that could be directly related to Duchess Kate’s dowdy ass dress.
Last night, St. Angie and Brad Pitt blessed a City Cinemas theater in NYC by doing a Q&A after a screening of By The Sea. St. Angie looks like a 1970s cult leader’s wife going to the daytime wedding of someone she doesn’t really like and Brad Pitt looks like a standby in an all-grown-ups community theater production of Newsies who is always told to lighten up on the pancake makeup. I would do a “Who Wore It Better?” between St. Angie and Duchess Kate, but doing so would go against God and THE QUEEN, so I’ll just say that Tootsie wore it better since I’m sure she wore both dresses at one point.
And in other St. Angie stuff, she did an interview with The New York Times and the subject of Scott Rudin calling her a “minimally-talented spoiled brat” in those hacked Sony emails came up. St. Angie has refused to talk about that mess before, but she talked about it a little with the Times. She claims she didn’t read the e-mails (uh huh), but someone told her about them and it didn’t bother her that Scott Rudin trashed her. Sure, she called up heaven and told them to scratch his name off of the entrance list (and heaven let her know that they scratched his name off a long time ago for remaking The Stepford Wives), but she mostly cared about how Amy Pascal felt:
“Someone told me. There are certain things that bother me and certain things that don’t. Personal attacks on me? I think I’m just so used to it. Honestly, my first instinct was that I was worried about Amy. I had someone call her and ask if she was O.K. Not because I’m a saint, but because I think we have to look at the bigger picture. She’s got kids. I knew it was going to unravel for her.”
“Not because I’m a saint” is such a saint thing to say!