Amber Heard was honored
for dating Johnny Depp at the Texas Film Awards (How many the fuck film awards do we need?) in Austin last night and she brought along the spirit of an old timey chimney sweeper trapped in the body of her fiancé Johnny Depp. Pussy so good it’s got Johnny Depp wearing a sad, deflated, burnt, unflavored soufflé on his head. They both look like every definition of mess. It’s like they were making their way to that shit when they got mugged and the thief stole all their clothes too, so they had to run into a community theater costume closet and wear whatever was in there.
Amber’s dress looks exactly like the shawl my abuelita draped over her praying table. If my abuelita saw Amber, she’d bend over her over, put Santo Nino jar candles from Rite Aid on her back and pray to Hay-Soos Christo for Johnny Deep to stop fighting the hot already. Johnny Deep isn’t only fighting the hot, he’s also fighting a visit to the dentist. He looks like he ate a chewing tobacco and caca sandwich and washed it down with Sochi tap water. Amber should put that huge diamond engagement ring to good use and use it scrape all the layers of shit off of Johnny’s teeth. Help your ho out, Amber!
Paging Justin Bieber’s Au Pair! He Dropped A Doody In His Trash Pants And He’s Kind Of Upset About It
After Justin Bieber celebrated baby’s first mug shot with his enabling douche leech of a daddy in Miami, he and his entourage of assholian hanger-oners, including his drag racing co-pilot Chantel Jeffries, took their asses over to Panama where he’s currently assaulting the beaches by doing shit like this. When the Biebs isn’t showing the seagulls how real thugs thug by speeding his pimped out Big Wheels along the beach, he’s shooting homemade music videos. While wearing culottes by Hefty, the toddler piece of trash in a trash bag shot this emotional scene where he reaches down to his crotch and reacts to not feeling anything. The hand says “error 404″ and the face says “Console me, Uncie Usher!” It’s his greatest performance yet.
In other Wild Kidz news, TMZ says that douche levels in Calabasas will soon drop by at least 50%, because the Biebs is going to sell his Palace of Sizzurpy Dreams and terrorize another zip code. The house hasn’t been listed yet, but the Beliebers have already offered everything in their piggy banks for it. I hope the Biebs sells to them, because if he does they’ll lick every wall and floor tile, and that could take a while. It will keep them busy.
The L.A. Times also reports that February 14th has been set as the date for the Biebs’ arraignment hearing in Miami. Happy VD! It’s going to be a strange Valentine’s Day for 5th grade teachers. Every 5th grade classroom will be filled with sad Valentine’s Day decorations and confused teachers will shuffle around their empty room, not knowing what to do with themselves, because all of their students will be at home praying to their Bieber altar while watching TMZ’s live stream from the court room. But please, nothing’s going to happen at that hearing. The Biebs doesn’t even have to be there. All charges will be dropped and we’ll have a reason to get extra boozed up that night. You better buy two extra bottles of Andre now.
They’re cheering on the outside, but on the inside they’re saying, “Fuck these Olympics right in Ralph Lauren’s ass.”
Before designing the Winter Olympics uniforms for Team USA, Ralph Lauren told his design team (who were obviously made up of all of our grandmas, memaws and abuelitas) to picture what would come out of a bald eagle’s beak if it got a never-ending case of the barfs after gorging on UglySweaterStore.com and Sarah Palin’s wardrobe. Then he told them to translate that puddle of bald eagle barf into a sweater. And that’s how the Team USA uniforms were born.
An entire nation screamed, “My ‘Murican memaw got me that shit for Christmas!” when the uniforms that Team USA will wear during the Opening Ceremony made its debut on Today this morning. Behold, this mess. It looks like the result of an Old Navy, NASCAR and Tommy Hilfiger outlet bukkake party. And if you thought there was no way these uniforms could look more hilariously ridiculous, here’s Matt Lauer, Natalie Morales and that ghost from TRL’s past to prove you wrong.
Natalie Morales is smiling something extra, because she finally found an outfit she can wear when she doesn’t want Matt Lauer to touch her ass with his eyes. That sucio perv Matt Lauer is smiling, because he knows what Natalie is thinking and knows that she’s wrong.
And in case I haven’t made myself clear: I LOVE THESE BUSTED UNIFORMS!
(Pics via @TODAYShow)
Over the weekend, Brad Pitt worked the award show ho stroll and even though he’s had that Situation haircut for a little while, some hos still asked themselves, “But for why does this bitch look like the standby hurdy gurdy player in an Arcade Fire cover band?” Brad Pitt was asked by reporters at the Producers Guild Awards last night why he got the haircut every Williamsburg hipster bartender got in 2012 and he said that he was forced to get it for that WWII movie he’s shooting with Shia LaDouche in England. Brad Pitt’s hair was just cut that way. It wasn’t a choice! UsWeekly broke down this HIGHLY IMPORTANT news:
“It’s for a part,” Pitt, 49, told E! News at the Producers Guild Awards in Beverly Hills, where the new ‘do looked pretty much perfect with his tuxedo. “It’s not a choice!” Indeed, the military-inspired look is for his WWII role opposite Shia LaBeouf and others in Fury, which has been shooting in the UK.
My eyeballs will never forget when Brad grew the nastiest beard and looked like a mangy, down-trodden, weathered hobo billy goat who was constantly attacked by guineafowls trying to eat the fleas and maggots out of his hair. Any look is better than that look. Brad Pitt could get a portrait of the UGGs-CROCs devil child tattooed on his cheek and I’d still say, “Eh, still better than that billy goat shit.” So for that reason alone, I don’t totally hate the Macklemore on his head.
And here’s Brad with Steve McQueen and Chiwetel Ejiofor at the PGAs last night.
Jennifer Lawrence knows that she’s America’s Newest Sweetheart (your retirement papers are waiting for you at the America’s Sweetheart headquarters, Julia Roberts) and she knows that Hollywood has spread its ass cheeks and is offering up its gaping asshole to her, so she didn’t give one care while dressing for the Golden Globes yesterday. Jennifer Lawrence smoked a few bowls and wrapped a sheet around her body before asking her assistants to cinch her with two black fabric belts from T.J.Maxx. Then she looked at the wreck in the mirror and said, “I’ll blame this disaster on Dior! Now pack another bowl for mama!” That’s a look that says that she knows that even though she shows up looking like she was just in a ship wreck, they’ll still throw all the awards at her. And they did, because an ILLEGAL act happened when Jennifer Lawrence’s name was announced instead of Lupita Nyong’o's name. Here’s Jennifer’s OMGICANTBELIEVEIT speech.
And for the record, Ariel worked it better. Like I even had to ask!
I know, what a hideous, trashy bag. I’m talking about the purse, but that statement works for anybody in this picture (except for you, Sea Green Tank Top Lady. Werk!)
Last night, the Internet had a collective waking night terror when Kim Kardashian Instragramm’d a picture of the hand-painted Birkin bag that Kanye West gave to her for Khristmas. Like klockwork, Pimp Mama Kris’ main ho hit the stroll with Kanye and her dark-sided, unholy bag, and DAMN, it’s HUGE. That bag could double as a carrying case for Kanye’s massive, throbbing ego. Kim could fit her entire turducken ass in that bag. North West is probably living in a corner in that big and it’s still too much square footage for her. That bag might be bigger than Kim’s pussy. It’s that big. And because it’s enormous, that George Condo-painted Kardashian whore orgy scene looks even more terrifying.
I don’t know what’s more horrifying: that bag or the fact that Kim has completely Who-ified her face.
It’s messes like this that make me grateful that Kanye West has the fashion sense of a cold turd sitting on a sidewalk and constantly suffocates Kim Kardashian when he wraps her seven layers of Spanx and makes her look like an overstuffed egg roll. Kanye is always coming up with new and creative ways to make Kim look as ridiculous as damn possible. Kim is dead enough inside to just shrug and say okay when Kanye says that her tits would look really hot if she covers them in that foam netting sleeves that covers the melons at Asian grocery stores.
Bitch looks like a 10 pounds of ground beef in a small flour tortilla and if she had frijoles and some corn cake on her sides, she’d be a burrito combination plate at El Torito. And now I’ll never ever be able to order a burrito at El Torito again.
Here’s more of Kim and her ever-changing face going to dinner with her ho apparent Kendall Jenner in NYC tonight.
Taylor Swift’s relationship contract re-negotiations with Harry Styles broke down a million years ago and her b-hole is obviously still sore and chapped about it, because at last night’s Parade of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Past and Future Exes (aka the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show), she got revenge on her silent movie ingenue-looking ex-boyfriend by violating his national flag. It looks like Ginger Spice’s Union Jack dress got a severe case of the wet shits and exploded everywhere. BLASPHEMY! When Taylor is trolling the yard of a Manhattan high school while looking for a new piece today, a black pocketbook will hit her in the head. That’s courtesy of THE QUEEN who threw it from across the pond.
Anyway, while wearing a tiny hat that only looks good on Yorkies, Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms performed at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show in NYC last night (this craps airs in December). Taylor’s BMI is probably in the negative range, but put her next to a bunch of models who weigh about as much as a baby mouse’s dry fart and she looks like me lying on my side after eating a bag of gingerbread cream cookies from Target. (It’s not my fault that Target shits out holiday crap before all the Halloween candy I swallowed has digested.)
Tommy Girl might think that acting is about as hard as being a soldier in Afghanistan, but he needs to try being a Victoria’s Secret model. Weeks before the show, they can only eat slivers of filtered air and ice cold mist. Then on show day, they’re put into panties and a bra and have to strut down a catwalk with 50 pounds of Michael’s craft materials on their backs as Leonardo DiCaprio and Adam Levine bid on them from the audience and Taylor Swift yodels in their ears. Try that, TG!
And every damn year when I look at pictures from this craft project wreck of a show, I wonder why the wish I made years ago hasn’t been answered yet. Why isn’t there an International Male UnderGear show? I want to see bedazzled dicks with heart-shaped mylar balloons tied to them. Yeah, I know I can see that at any males-only Scientology party, but I’m not down with the whole “signing over my soul at the front door” thing.
Hey, Kendall Jenner? See if you can pull that hat down all they way. You can? Cool! Do us all a solid and buy one for each of your sisters and a full-body hat for Kris. Oh, that’s terrible, I didn’t mean that (…just get one for Kim).
Kendall and Kylie Jenner, two teenagers who no longer go to school or have jobs, but plenty of time on their hands, spent yesterday shopping in West Hollywood and trying on clothes. Kendall, proving she’s a Kardashian at heart, made a beeline for the dumbest, ugliest thing in the store and put it on. Let’s see how many jokes about Kendall’s outfit I can make in 60 seconds. Aaaaannnd GO!
- Kendall looks like Strawberry Shortcake’s cousin who was born too close to a nuclear power plant
- If Kendall’s hat and scarf were gray, she’d be a dead ringer for Roger from American Dad
- Kendall looks like an off-brand Dumb Donald
- That lumpy scarf looks like Kim’s ass in a paid of pink leggings
- That hat and scarf makes Kendall look like a pink dick and balls. Later she changed into a black hat and scarf, and Kim appeared out of nowhere.
And I only need one for Kylie: homegirl looks like Brenda and Brandon Walsh’s college dropout cousin from Daytona Beach, FL.
Here’s more of Kendall, Kylie (aka Khloe II: Boozy’s Revenge, just give it time), and their friend (who looks like the bad influence’s dum-dum sidekick in a 1992 ABC after-school special).
(Pics via Splash)
When I was a kid, I used to soak my Frosted Mini-Wheats in milk, pull one out, suck all the frosting off and then drop it next to the bowl. That pile of frosting-less, rejected, sad, soggy Mini-Wheats is what I was reminded of when I saw these fucked-up stupid pictures of Lady CaCa strolling out of the Ritz-Carlton in Berlin today. Bitch looks like the worst and least popular Dr. Who villain of all-time.
Bitch looks like a gold duck drowning in a giant box full of dirty, 10-week-old cat litter. Bitch looks like a cracker made out of yeast infection discharge. Bitch looks like a giant piece of Nicki Minaj’s wig dandruff. I just want to grab her ass, put her on a slingshot and use her to kill pigs. This is some Angry Birds Chernobyl-style shit.
With all that being said, I’m happy that CaCa is one with the crazy again and finding new and creative ways to cover up her head. And that block of insulation foam looks more natural and luscious than all of her wigs.