Category: Fug
Presented Without Comment: The Star Wars™ Chewbacca™ Crocs
Okay maybe just a few comments: Fuck you, Disney! Fuck you right in Mickey Mouse’s asshole!
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The Difficult Brown Did This To His Head
Chris Brown continued to make wonderful decisions by getting a gigantic tattoo on his head. Well, at least he’s abusing his own head instead of someone else’s. So there’s that. Chris threw up evidence of his new work of art on Instagram, but quickly snatched it down. But by the time he yanked it down, it had already been saved and passed around.
Complex says Chris’ head tattoo is supposed to be Venus de Milo and it sort of looks like Venus de Milo as seen through the eyes of that amazing court room artiste who captured Tom Brady as his true self. That tattoo looks more like a nauseous Lena Dunham with a plastic bag covering her hair. But seriously, after looking at it up close, I love it!
Just like Justin Bieber’s Sassy Jesus tattoo, Chris’ Venus de Side-Eye tattoo is judging him for all of his bad decisions so we don’t have to. It’s the greatest thing he’s ever done!
Pic: @RnBassMusic
The Fashion Apocalypse Is Upon Us: Rihanna Is Wearing STIRRUP PANTS
When the reanimated zombie corpse of leggings, aka “stretch pants” (as was their alias back in the day) dug themselves out of the fashion graveyard several years ago, I thought nothing of it, because leggings are comfortable as hell and serve a very important purpose: acting as pants when you do not want to wear pants. Then when crop tops did the same thing, I started to get a little worried, because who the hell wanted crop tops back besides the Kardashian family? Now it appears Rihanna has summoned the fugliest of the undead to walk among us once again: STIRRUP PANTS.
Dior’s newest whore made an appearance on GMA this morning to promote the animated movie Home, and she showed up working some Cookie Lyon-meets-Mary Kay Lady couture. Everything about her look was great until my eyes hit those nasty-ass while elastic straps humping her heels. NO, RIRI, NO!
I have a real problem with stirrup pants for two reasons. One, they always make you look like you can’t handle real pants; they’re the mittens-on-a-string of the pant world. Two, I have always been a tall person, so stirrup pants never worked on my legs. The stirrup part would always pull the crotch part down too low, and when I went to yank them up, the stirrup would snap off my foot and dangle around my ankle like a piece of loose skin. It was all kinds of busted.
However, I will forgive RiRi for wearing stirrup pants if she claims they’re a part of her rich alien culture. I don’t know how fashion works on the sexy planet she comes from.
Pics: Splash
If Draco Malfoy Was A Skanky Alien From V
As with most pictures of Kim Kartrashian, my first reaction to this is:
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
My second reaction is to slow clap for Kanye West, because just when I think there’s no way he can make his dress-up silicone mannequin doll look more ridiculous, he proves me wrong. Kanye really has a gift for turning nearly everything he touches into busted fuckery. I see him throwing a side-eye that says, “I can’t believe this bitch believed me when I said that bleaching her hair with Sally Hansen creme bleach is high fash-un.”
Kim showed up to the Balmain show in Paris today looking like what you’d get if you mashed up a picture of a drowned, malnourished Afghan hound and a picture of one of the Matrix twins in MorphThing.com. She looks like the least popular and cheapest Rita Ora impersonator (and Rita Ora is already the least popular and cheapest RiRi impersonator). The look is very “piss on Kum.”
In short: I love it!
The Look Or Not The Look: Ansel Elgort At The AMAs
Here’s Ansel Elgort, the dude from Fault of Stars whose name sounds like a Captcha you’d have to enter to get into the World of Warcraft forums, at the AMAs looking like a straight high school boy who was given an ambush makeover by Antoine Meriweather and Blaine Edwards. He looks like a Rockabilly bullfighter. It’s as if someone pushed him into a mom’s closet and told him to use the clothes in there to dress like a member of One Direction. That shorty blazer does remind me…
When I was 18 and 19, my friends and I would go to the same 18 and over gay night at a club every single week. We got friendly with some of the regulars and one of the regulars was this tall drink of YES who pulverized hos with his style by always wearing b-hole-hugging tight jeans and either a shorty blazer or a shorty vest with no shirt on underneath. We called him “Oh Girl,” because every time he walked in wearing a shorty blazer with no shirt on, we’d say to ourselves, “Oh, girl.” Take that white shirt away and Oh Girl would’ve worked the seams out of that outfit.
Ansel looks a mess, but I can’t blame him for smiling. It’s probably slightly satisfying knowing you can still fit into the Sears tuxedo blazer you wore to a wedding when you were 12.
Here’s more of Ansel and his moldy pants as well as One Erection dressed like hipster power lesbians at a funeral.
Pics: Wenn.com
And This Is What Is Called TOO MUCH HIPSTER
Robert Pattinson finally unveiled what’s been lurking underneath his hat and it’s more terrifying and ridiculous than we could have ever imagined. The enchanted unicorn forest is now a symbol for a hipster nightmare.
At the Go Campaign’s 7th Annual Go Go Gala in Beverly Hills last night (Side note: “GO! GO!” is what I screamed after looking at the shit that Peaky Blinders threw up on RPattz’s head), RPattz made everyone’s brain explode with the puzzle on his head. I’m going to need Dan Brown to explain this shit to me. The front is giving me “errrr” and the back is giving me “aaaaaaaah.”
RPattz’s head is like a game of Classic Concentration. I see three things on his head: a long-haired guinea pig in a wind storm, Moe Howard and an extra chunky landing strip. Hmm… What do you get when you add those things together? Oh I know. You get this word:
DEEERRRP.
I hate to sound like one of those Robsten4Eva crazies who haven’t had their meds yet, but that is all FKA Twigs on his head. Sure, RPattz could be earning extra coins by advertising Dumber and Dumber To on his head or it could be for a movie where he plays a man who was savagely attacked by a Flowbee, but I’m guessing it was FKA Twigs’ idea. One night while she was dancing naked in a cloud of incense, she looked down at the double lane landing strip on her crotch and thought to herself that it would be really hot if her man had a matching one on the back of his head. RPattz better watch it, though. Because Michelle Rodriguez and Gerard Butler are going to try to lick and bump crotches with the cooch strip on his head.
It could’ve been a work of art, though. All RPattz had to do was leave a circle patch underneath that strip and he would’ve paid tribute to one of the most iconic perfumes of the late 80s and 90s.
It would’ve made a statement without saying a word.
Pics: Getty, Splash