J. Harvey already posted pictures of some of the dudes at the NYC premiere of The Fate of the Furious, but my only reason for wanting to see that shit was also there working an A+ Madonna impersonation down to that snatched face.
Dior continues to be the Fighting The Hot grand champion of the fashion world. When they see a hot chick, they see a challenge to make her look as busted down and messy as possible. Charlize Theron has a contract with Dior so she wears them a lot. And at Saturday night’s F8 premiere, they made her look like a drunk schoolmarm who forgot to put her slip on while dressing for a really fancy funeral. That doesn’t look like an ensemble that’s supposed to be worn in real-life. That looks like a costume that Cher would wear if she played Ms. Frizzle.
And Charlize wearing that granny chonies and mock turtleneck disaster makes complete sense if you pretend she’s saying, “Bitch, I’m just wearing this for the check,” with her eyes.
There’s a billion reasons for why it’s a shit time to be alive (see: any “serious” news site of your choice for many examples of that), but there’s a big reason for why it’s a glorious time to be alive. We’re currently living in the golden age of masterful food sculptures of celebrities. Last week, a food artiste unveiled their own Mona Lisa, a sculpture of a knocked up Beyoncé made entirely of cheese. Bri-oncé! And also last week, an engineer and YouTuber from Ventura, CA created the David of the food sculpture world: a ham and cheese sandwich that looks like Vin Diesel. Well, I was hoping for a ham and beef sculpture of The Hammaconda, but I guess I’ll take this.
During last night’s Oscars, Dakota Johnson presented with her Fifty Shades Duller co-star Jamie Dornan, and they did a hilarious bit where they pretended to have chemistry with each other. Clearly Dakota was afraid all the crotch-searing sexuality between her and Jamie would be too much for the audience to handle, and she dressed accordingly. And by accordingly, I mean she counter-balanced it by dressing in an unsexy satin nightgown situation that was made by Gucci.
Charlize Theron once confessed that being young, beautiful and model-like was a real uphill battle when it came to finding roles that were based on more than just being young, beautiful and model-like. Thankfully, Charlize doesn’t have to worry about that because time has given her the ultimate role-landing weapon: being older. 41-year-old Charlize is still beautiful and model-like, but apparently getting older is the reason she’s eyeball-deep in good roles.
I don’t know what’s better: That awkward picture of Charlize Theron and Sean Penn looking like they would rather be hugging a bitchy grizzly bear who hates intimacy or the reviews for his new movie The Last Face.
There’s a good reason for why it looks like Charlize Theron is awkwardly consoling Sean Penn at a funeral. She kind of is. Sean Penn directed The Last Face, which is about the head of an international aid organization (Charlize Theron) and a relief doctor (Javier Bardem) who fall in love while trying to save the people of Liberia. That movie sounds like forty five layers of NOPE. If I had to choose between watching The Last Face and a Keeping Up with the Kardashians marathon, I’d pre-schedule a confessional with a priest to apologize for the unholy sins I was about to commit and I’d start watching the staged antics of Pimp Mama Kris and her hos. But now I kind of want to see The Last Face after reading some of the reviews.
The Last Farce (typo and it stays) screened at Cannes, and the critics tore it apart, torched its remains and then put the flames out with their piss. They laughed and booed. It’s apparently as steamingly stinky as a reporter’s turd baking on an Arizona front lawn. Indiewire and The Wrap posted a collection of the awful reviews the movie got, but this tweet sums it up:
Is it possible Charlize Theron saw a rough cut of THE LAST FACE and *then* ended things with Sean Penn? I would.
— Guy Lodge (@GuyLodge) May 20, 2016
Sean claims he doesn’t care about the crap reviews, but that sad tomato face he made at his movie’s Cannes premiere said otherwise. And I’m telling myself that in the picture above, Charlize kicked the flame-broiled pickled sausage while he was down by whispering in his ear, “And by the way, I faked it. Every. Single. Time.”
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
There’s this tiny little movie that’s just come out, you probably haven’t even heard of it or seen any ads for it. No, sorry. I meant the opposite of that. The Huntsman: Winter’s War finally came out this weekend and has been assaulting us from every angle for what feels like ages now. It’s like everywhere I turn there’s a picture or video of Charlize Theron in that gold medieval drag get up. Well, the joke’s on Universal because this all out attack on our eyes, ears and nerves backfired. The Hunstman flopped this weekend.
The sans Kristen Stewart prequel/sequel/whocaresquel has a grade A Hollywood star cast – Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth, Emily Blunt and Jessica Chastain – but that wasn’t enough to get American butts into American movie theater seats, reports the Hollywood Reporter. Emphasis on the American because it’s made a little over $80 million overseas in the past two weeks. But it brought in only $20 million here on its opening weekend. The first movie opened with $56 million here in the States and went on to make over $396 million worldwide.
This second mess cost $115 million to make and it’ll make that back, but I wouldn’t hold my breath for another one of these. Please God, don’t let them make another one of these, there is only so much we can take of Charlize’s wreck of an accent. People chose to see the new Jungle Book over the adult version of Frozen in a very big way because it continued to destroy everything else in theaters, making another $60 million. Poor Chris Hemsworth, nothing but the Thor movies seem to work for him. But he’s making unfathomable amounts of money from those and probably from this, so, no, actually I don’t care. Those Marvel hoes will never get any pity from me!
The weekend’s top five movies were:
1. The Jungle Book – $60.8 million
2. The Huntsman: Winter’s War – $20 million
3. Barbershop: The Next Cut – $10.9 million
4. Zootopia – $6.6 million
5. The Boss – $6.1 million