Charlize Theron was Howard Stern’s SiriusXM show to promote her new Netflix movie, The Old Guard, and since she was talking to Howard, the conversation led to her talking beautiful shit. Charlize read accused sexual assaulter Steven Seagal to filth and basically said that things with Sean Penn weren’t that serious and she was never planning to make him her husband. Charlize may have been dickmatized but she wasn’t THAT dickmatized.
The Old Guard is about a bunch of immortal fighters who save humanity. And while training for the movie, Charlize said that she watched a lot of fight videos on YouTube and some of those videos starred Steven Seagal. Those videos brought the LOLs to Charlize because she said that he fights like a sedated walrus with cataracts. via TooFab:
“At night I’ll go online to watch fighters or watch people fight and you always come across that odd Seagal video of him “fighting” in Japan, but he really isn’t. He’s just incredibly overweight and pushing people… He’s overweight and can barely fight… look it up, it’s ridiculous. He’s shoving people by the face, it’s a whole setup.”
I have to disagree with Charlize. This video wasn’t shot in Japan but clearly shows that Steven Seagal is such a skilled and menacing fighter that his opponents voluntarily throw themselves on the floor because they know they’re no match!
Charlize explained she has “no problem talking shit about” Steve Seagal “because he’s not very nice to women… so, fuck you!” And well, if you’ve heard all of the sexual assault stories about Steven Seagal, you’re throwing a “fuck you!” at him right next to Charlize Theron.
And Steven wasn’t the only man’s ego Charlize absolutely wrecked with her interview, she also laughed at the idea that she was engaged to Sean Penn. The two dated for a while then broke up in 2015 when she allegedly ghosted him (more good choices from Charlize). When Howard asked her if she was going to marry Sean Penn, she said:
“What? That’s not true. No. I did not “almost get married to Sean,” that’s such bullshit. No, we dated, that was literally all we did, we dated… It was a relationship, for sure. We were definitely exclusive, but it was for barely a year. We never moved in. I was never going to marry him. It was nothing like that.”
But hey Sean, it’s not you, it’s Charlize. She explained she’s not worried about marriage at all:
“I never wanted to get married. That’s never been something that’s important to me… On the lives of my children, I’ve never been lonely. I’ve never felt alone… My life right now just doesn’t allow a lot of room for something like that to happen. But in saying that, there’s not this thing that drives me [to have a romantic relationship]. I enjoy being set up on dates but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live with somebody again. To be totally frank, they might have to buy the house next to me. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to deal with that ever again, I’m too old for that shit.”
— Stern Show (@sternshow) June 23, 2020
And elsewhere in the interview, Howard Stern told Charlize he’d like to speak to her in “her native tongue” and then he popped his tongue like a fucked-up Alyssa Edwards.
Today on @siriusxm: #HowardStern was "very inappropriate" again as he mocked the South Afriican dialect by making clicking noises to Charlize Theron and then made fun of how a Chinese woman spoke. Hard to believe CEO Jim Meyer wants to re-sign Stern. pic.twitter.com/WBxx89hGue
— Uncle Larry (@UncleLarry112) June 22, 2020
Howard better watch it, because Charlize can take down both him and Steven Seagal at the same time. Although, judging by that fight video, a bat with arthritis could take down Steven Seagal.