On Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, The Alien Lizard King debuted the trailer for the newest movie that will probably bring in seven trillion dollar signs and allow a Marvel executive to say, “Sure, go ahead and get the solid gold bidet that shoots out diamond water,” to their contractor.
Doctor Strange barely finished filming, but the teaser trailer is already out, because I guess Marvel wanted to keep the nerd boners hard after Disney put out the trailer for the latest Star Whores movie. Although, I don’t know if this crap is going to keep you nerds hard, because it’s just, uh…no. If Inception ate up giant servings of The Matrix, washed it down with a glass of Thor 2 and then barfed up all over a Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon diorama, the end result would look like this trailer. It’s got Benedict Cumberbatch doing an American accent, some Inception shit, some Matrix shit and Tilda Swinton as The Ancient One. The Ancient One is a Tibetan sorcerer, but if I didn’t know that, I’d guess that Tilda was playing Powder’s real biological mother doing lazy cosplay as the boy from The Last Airbender.
While watching this trailer, you may be wondering why there’s no Asians in it. Um, there’s Asians as the EXTRAS, thankyouverymuch!
Since they insisted on casting Tilda as the Ancient One, they should’ve went all the way. They should’ve Tilda-washed the whole thing by casting her in every single role.
And here’s Tilda graciously bestowing her regal presence upon her loyal subjects while walking through NYC with her young lovah last month.
All together now (to the tune of The Isley Brothers’ That Lady): “Who’s that villain? (Who’s that villain?) Beautiful villain… (Who’s that villain?) Lovely villain… (Who’s that villain?) Real fine villain… (Who’s that villain?)”
The other day, Martin posted pictures of The Alien Lizard King gracefully leaping while in Ren Faire wizard drag on the NYC set of Doctor Strange. Those pictures probably made the Cumberbitches open sesame and squirt out a geyser of chunky excitement. But sadly for them, B. Cums was shown up over the weekend when Mads Mikkelsen set the sidewalk and genitals on fire by struttin’ for his life on the set. Hannibal’s eyes look like the chapped anus of that power bottom Barney, but yet he still looks faaaaaabulous! Work it, own it, Hannibal!
Nobody seems to know who Hannibal is playing. Some nerds think he’s playing a Doctor Strange villain called Nightmare and others think he’s playing some other evil trick. To me, Mads Mikkelsen looks like a strung-out Burning Man junkie who spent all his money on the bad shit and is begging you for a ride back to L.A. That is one of the most scariest and annoying creatures of all-time, so I’m going with that.
Doctor Strange is still shooting and it won’t be done until March, but I guess Marvel couldn’t wait to make the clits of the Cumberbitches bust into a seizure, because they let Benedict Cumberbatch pose in full Sorcerer Supreme drag for an Entertainment Weekly cover shoot.
To me, it just looks like a Photoshopped B. Cums in cosplay at the ren faire, but that doesn’t matter. Entertainment Weekly is still going to sell a zillion copies of this shit, because the Cumberbitches are going to do all sorts of things with this issue. They’re going to cover their walls and ceilings with it. They’re going to make paper panties out of it. And they’re going to roll it up, laminate it and use it gently as a dildo. I mean, it’s a special double issue, so it’s already got the girth.
B. Cums told Entertainment Weekly that he hasn’t figured out all of Doctor Strange’s spell-casting moves yet, so he used the photo shoot to help him with that.
“I’m still in the infancy of learning all that. It was like, okay, I’ve got to keep throwing these poses, these spells, these rune-casting things, everything he does physically. I’m thinking, there’s going to be a huge amount of speculation and intrigue over the positioning of that finger as opposed to it being there, or there. And I’m still working on that. We haven’t played any of those scenes yet. I felt really self-conscious. But, then, by the end, it was great. It’s like anything, you just have to experiment.”
“…the positioning of that finger…” That sound that sounded like a thousand THUDS was just from the Cumberbitches falling out of themselves.
On another note, why in all of the fucks did the exclusive first look at Ryan Reynolds’ pecs & abs not make the cover?!
And here’s more of B. Cums working that high collar and Dep gel-covered 80s bangs as Doctor Strange, as well as pictures of him with Sophie Hunter at the Star Wars premiere a couple of weeks ago.
And just like that, an enthusiastic Cumberbitch/Furry crossover subculture called Cumberbears was born.
During a recent appearance to promote Black Mass on The Graham Norton Show, Benedict Cumberbatch confirmed what the internet has been saying for years: that he looks like a damn otter. To prove that Benedict is just a few DNA chains short of reaching out to his long-lost cousin Emmet and asking if he can join his jug band this Christmas, a couple pictures of otters were thrown up and Benedict did his best impression of them. To be fair, they might not even have been his best impressions; dude looks so much like a water puppy that even his worst impression would have had the audience screaming “OMG TWINS!!!!”
But the best part, by far, was Johnny Depp’s reaction. Johnny was looking at Benedict in the same profoundly confused way he looks at a bar of soap or a hat without holes; just a whole lot of “the FUCK is this??” Which is so weird, because if anyone on that couch looks like a dead-ringer for a greasy wet otter, it’s Johnny Depp.
And I don’t mean “hit it with splashes of holy water while running to the safe house.”
The trailer for Zoolander 2 came out today and it starts off as a comedy but then turns into a terrifying sci-fi horror show when Benedict Cumberbatch pops up on the screen looking like some kind of creature that slithered out of Snape’s asshole 9 months after that half-blood wizard had bareback fuck times with The Lizard from Spider-Man on the site of a toxic waste dump. If Kendall Jenner uses her family’s plastic surgeon, that’s what she’s going to look like without makeup in 10 years.
B. Cums plays an androgynous supermodel and I don’t even think they used any prosthetics or wigs or anything. B. Cums just shape-shifted into his natural alien lizard form and now we know that his natural alien lizard from looks a melting Tilda Swinton wax figure in low-budget Cher drag. B. Cums as a carved Pete Burns candle isn’t the only terrifying thing in the Zoolander 2 trailer. Kristen Wiig as Donatella Versace’s unremarkable anus is also pretty terrifying.
But B. Cums and Kristen aren’t even the scariest things in that trailer. The most horrifying thing is that they call Justin Bieber, whose death isn’t as perfect as his death in CSI, one of the most beautiful people in the world.
And to answer my headline question, yes, I probably would.
Either Amber Heard temporarily sprained one of her neck muscles from trying so hard while posing (“Amateur!” – Phoebe Price) or her nostrils just got a good whiff of the rank scent of ass jelly, foundation, armpit grease and dick cheddar wafting off of Johnny Depp.
It feels like there’s been 4,927 premieres for Black Mass and there was another one at the BFI London Film Festival last night, because why not? Before she’s found guilty of Yorkie smuggling and gets locked up in an Australian prison cell for 11 years, Amber Heard got in another red carpet posing session with Johnny Depp who once again took himself higher by wearing a pair of gorgeous platform shoes straight out of Tom Cruise’s dream shoe closet.
Before Black Mass even came out, hos predicted that Johnny Depp will probably get an Oscar nomination. At last night’s premiere, Johnny told the BBC that he’ll take that nomination, but he hopes that his name is never called at the Oscars, because he doesn’t want to dribble out a speech.
“I don’t want to win one of those things ever, you know. I don’t want to have to talk. They gave me one of those things, like a nomination, two or three times. A nomination is plenty.
The idea of winning means that you’re in competition with someone and I’m not in competition with anybody. I just stick to my guns and do what I want to do. Sometimes people don’t like it but that’s alright.”
Oh, please. Johnny Depp is busting out some reverse psychology shit on Oscar voters. Of course he wants an Oscar. An Oscar trophy is the ultimate bracelet holder and he doesn’t want to disappoint Amber Heard who has probably spent hours practicing the “sexy but happy” face she’ll make when the cameras are on her during her husband’s speech. I hope that Johnny does get a nomination and I hope he wins and only because I really want to see forever Oscar bridesmaid Leonardo DiCaprio tackle that trick on the stage while screaming, “It’s mine, he said he didn’t want it!”
Here’s more pictures from the Black Mass premiere including some of the Alien Lizard King and Sophie Hunter.