The Hollywood premiere of Marvel’s
Doctor Whitewashing Doctor Strange happened last night, and Benedict Cumberbatch brought two guests: his wife Sophie Hunter and the latest CumberBaby that’s gestating in her womb right now.
To me, Benedict Cumberbatch’s union with his wife Sophie Hunter is about as riveting as eating a plain rice cake while watching a re-run of Antiques Roadshow. (The Roadshowaloonies are totally going to shank me for that one.) But out there in the land of the internet are some Cumberbitches who make B. Cums and Sophie’s union sound real dramatic and interesting by saying that it was created by his PR team. Other Cumberbitches also think that Sophie was never pregnant and that their baby probably has Hasbro ™ branded into his body since he’s a doll! B. Cums had a few words to say about his hardcore tinfoil hat-wearing fans and if you’re one of them, get ready to rage-type, “HE READING FROM A SCRIPT!”
The two main clit-tinglers of Tumblr got together for a conversation for Interview magazine, and they pretty much stayed away from talking about personal crap. Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston licking each other’s crumpet holes while talking about the business of movie making is even less thrilling and riveting than an interview between wet paint and the wall it’s drying on. You probably didn’t read any of that since it’s kind of hard to read while you’re squinting from laughing so hard at Tom trying to serve up “Patrick Bateman’s serial-killing protégé” sinisterness in that picture above. Oh, Tommy, stop playing. Those photo-ops with Taylor Swift are scarier and more sinister than this shit.
On Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, The Alien Lizard King debuted the trailer for the newest movie that will probably bring in seven trillion dollar signs and allow a Marvel executive to say, “Sure, go ahead and get the solid gold bidet that shoots out diamond water,” to their contractor.
Doctor Strange barely finished filming, but the teaser trailer is already out, because I guess Marvel wanted to keep the nerd boners hard after Disney put out the trailer for the latest Star Whores movie. Although, I don’t know if this crap is going to keep you nerds hard, because it’s just, uh…no. If Inception ate up giant servings of The Matrix, washed it down with a glass of Thor 2 and then barfed up all over a Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon diorama, the end result would look like this trailer. It’s got Benedict Cumberbatch doing an American accent, some Inception shit, some Matrix shit and Tilda Swinton as The Ancient One. The Ancient One is a Tibetan sorcerer, but if I didn’t know that, I’d guess that Tilda was playing Powder’s real biological mother doing lazy cosplay as the boy from The Last Airbender.
While watching this trailer, you may be wondering why there’s no Asians in it. Um, there’s Asians as the EXTRAS, thankyouverymuch!
Since they insisted on casting Tilda as the Ancient One, they should’ve went all the way. They should’ve Tilda-washed the whole thing by casting her in every single role.
And here’s Tilda graciously bestowing her regal presence upon her loyal subjects while walking through NYC with her young lovah last month.
All together now (to the tune of The Isley Brothers’ That Lady): “Who’s that villain? (Who’s that villain?) Beautiful villain… (Who’s that villain?) Lovely villain… (Who’s that villain?) Real fine villain… (Who’s that villain?)”
The other day, Martin posted pictures of The Alien Lizard King gracefully leaping while in Ren Faire wizard drag on the NYC set of Doctor Strange. Those pictures probably made the Cumberbitches open sesame and squirt out a geyser of chunky excitement. But sadly for them, B. Cums was shown up over the weekend when Mads Mikkelsen set the sidewalk and genitals on fire by struttin’ for his life on the set. Hannibal’s eyes look like the chapped anus of that power bottom Barney, but yet he still looks faaaaaabulous! Work it, own it, Hannibal!
Nobody seems to know who Hannibal is playing. Some nerds think he’s playing a Doctor Strange villain called Nightmare and others think he’s playing some other evil trick. To me, Mads Mikkelsen looks like a strung-out Burning Man junkie who spent all his money on the bad shit and is begging you for a ride back to L.A. That is one of the most scariest and annoying creatures of all-time, so I’m going with that.
Doctor Strange is still shooting and it won’t be done until March, but I guess Marvel couldn’t wait to make the clits of the Cumberbitches bust into a seizure, because they let Benedict Cumberbatch pose in full Sorcerer Supreme drag for an Entertainment Weekly cover shoot.
To me, it just looks like a Photoshopped B. Cums in cosplay at the ren faire, but that doesn’t matter. Entertainment Weekly is still going to sell a zillion copies of this shit, because the Cumberbitches are going to do all sorts of things with this issue. They’re going to cover their walls and ceilings with it. They’re going to make paper panties out of it. And they’re going to roll it up, laminate it and use it gently as a dildo. I mean, it’s a special double issue, so it’s already got the girth.
B. Cums told Entertainment Weekly that he hasn’t figured out all of Doctor Strange’s spell-casting moves yet, so he used the photo shoot to help him with that.
“I’m still in the infancy of learning all that. It was like, okay, I’ve got to keep throwing these poses, these spells, these rune-casting things, everything he does physically. I’m thinking, there’s going to be a huge amount of speculation and intrigue over the positioning of that finger as opposed to it being there, or there. And I’m still working on that. We haven’t played any of those scenes yet. I felt really self-conscious. But, then, by the end, it was great. It’s like anything, you just have to experiment.”
“…the positioning of that finger…” That sound that sounded like a thousand THUDS was just from the Cumberbitches falling out of themselves.
On another note, why in all of the fucks did the exclusive first look at Ryan Reynolds’ pecs & abs not make the cover?!
And here’s more of B. Cums working that high collar and Dep gel-covered 80s bangs as Doctor Strange, as well as pictures of him with Sophie Hunter at the Star Wars premiere a couple of weeks ago.