It looks like Benedict Cumberbatch is the Jennifer Lawrence of this awards season. Yay.
During that awkward Golden Globes skit where Margaret Cho (done up as a North Korean journalist for a movie magazine) got her picture taken with Meryl Streep, the ever thirsty Babadook Chamomilepunch just had to snatch away some of the attention by jumping into the picture. He looked like my chihuahua trying to get on the bed. I get that CUMBERBOMBING is B. Cums’ thing, but this shit was so choreographed and staged that I could practically hear Debbie Allen scream, “3..2…JUMP,” off camera. B. Cums even changed into a blinding white blazer so that everyone could clearly see him jumping over the Meryl. Was it really necessary? B. Cums already got a lot of attention for his engagement and for the cumberbaby growing in a human woman’s uterus, and now he’s trying to get more attention by Jennifer Lawrence’ing his way through awards season. What’s next? He’s going to stage a fall at the Oscars and tell a magazine how he just loves the smell of his fiancee’s pregnancy farts?
What am I saying!
B. Cums wasn’t going full attention whore by photobombing that picture. He was trying to escape! That wasn’t a leap for attention, it was a leap for help. He was obviously trying to jump away from the conniving, scheming, hussy harlot who trapped him into being a father and husband. I’ve seen all of the Planet Earths so I should know a lizard’s distress face when I see one. And here I am calling him an attention whore when he’s in pain and trying to get away from that lizard trapper. Shame on me.
And if Golden Globe winner Eddie Redmayne has any love in his heart for the alien lizard community, he’d drop out of the Oscar race and let B. Cums take the award for Best Actor. After everything B. Cums has been through, he deserves it.
So it begins… It was the Mayans who said (they didn’t say this) that in the year 2014, a human will mate with an alien lizard king visiting from another planet and months later she will give birth to an all-powerful baby who will take over the world and capture us all. They were right. Soon, we’re all going to be Cumberbtiches whether we like it or not.
Benedict Cumberbatch’s rep tells E! News that his fiancee of two months Sophie Hunter is carrying a cumberbaby in her womb. When asked for a comment, Oscar rival Eddie Redmayne said, “Oh yeah, oh yeah, well my WIFE is pregnant with quadruplets and we’ve already named them Oscarella, Oscarina, Oscartina and Oscarola.” Even though I’m obsessed with the Cumberbitches (does that mean I’m a Cumberbitchbitch?), I haven’t been to Tumblr yet, so I have no idea if it’s crumbled from the weight of 10,000 word posts written by his hardcore fans who think it’s sad that their God’s team is making him get engaged and make a baby just to win a trophy. Or maybe they haven’t written any posts like that, because they were too busy using their fingers to poke out their eyes after reading the worst thing they’ve ever read.
Here’s the statement from B. Cums’ rep:
“I am delighted to confirm that Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter are expecting their first child. They are both over the moon.”
Yes, they said “over the moon,” but it doesn’t bother me. They probably went over the moon literally while traveling to his home planet to share the happy news with his subjects.
In case you missed them, here’s pictures of Sophie’s “bump” at the Palm Springs International Film Festival over the weekend.
The holidays are over and famous actor types have taken off their bikinis and said goodbye to sunbathing their parts on a yacht in the Caribbean and put on a $10,000 borrowed designer gown to say hello to weeks of getting drunk on top shelf champagne while jacking off other famous actor types at award shows and film festivals. They all went back to “work” last night at the awards gala for the Palm Springs International Film Festival in wait for it… wait for it… Palm Springs, CA.
Reese Witherspoon won the Chairman’s Award for Wild, Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne won the Desert Achievement Award for Still Alice and The Theory of Everything, J.K. Simmons won the Spotlight Award for Whiplash, the cast of The Imitation Game won the Ensemble Cast Award and Rosamund Pike and David Oyelowo won the Breakthrough Performance Award for Gone Girl and Selma. And Bennyhill Custardsnatch and his fiancee of ten minutes Sophie Hunter walked away with the I See You Bitches Award.
Also, if you’ve always wanted to see Bendandsnap Culohatch touch mouths with Laura Jeanne Poon, then you’re a sucio, kinky fuck. The next time I type “felching” into PornHub, I’ll tell myself not to feel too gross since out there in the world are messes more depraved than me. The kind of messes who get the tingles from watching these to go at it with their mouths.
It’s that time of year again when actors who want an Oscar work it like their pimp is in jail and they gotta bail him out before morning. Every year, The New York Times Magazine answers the question “Which actors are so hard up for an Oscar that they’ll do whatever we say?” by putting out a bunch of artsy videos starring some Oscar hopefuls. This year they took 17 of this year’s “best actors” (and Kristen Stewart) and paired them up together in kissing scenes. B. Cums and Reese got paired up and this is what their kiss looks like:
When I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade we went on a field trip to the zoo and we got to watch a zookeeper feed an iguana pieces of butternut squash. That iguana was all about the butternut squash. So while watching B. Cums and Reese kiss, I kept waiting for him to show his lizard self by trying to bite off her chin after mistaking it for a butternut squash.
The rest of the RIVETING videos are after the cut. If you need to know names before you commit by clicking, the kissing hos include: Kristen Stewart, Rosario Dawson, Patricia Arquette, Chadwick Boseman, Jack O’Connell, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Miles Teller, Julianne Moore and more. You can pull your pants up and put the lube away, because there is man-on-man mouth action but it’s not between Chadwick and Jack.
The powers-that-be at Marvel were all in their offices one day, doing what they usually do (burn money for fun), when one of them said out loud, “You know, that Bendable Cummysnatch fellow is really underexposed, so we should give the kid a little attention and cast him in one of our tiny movies.” After weeks of rumors that the King of the Salarians will play a human superhero, Marvel has finally let it be known that Hollywood’s Mister Strange is going to be Doctor Strange.
Benedict Cumberbatch has entered the world of the mystic arts.
The actor will star in Marvel’s “Doctor Strange,” scheduled to hit theaters November 4, 2016. The film, directed by Scott Derrickson with Jon Spaihts writing the screenplay, will follow the story of neurosurgeon Doctor Stephen Strange who, after a horrific car accident, discovers the hidden world of magic and alternate dimensions.
“Stephen Strange’s story requires an actor capable of great depth and sincerity,” said Producer Kevin Feige. “In 2016, Benedict will show audiences what makes Doctor Strange such a unique and compelling character.”
What that Kevin Feige dude means is that they needed an actor with the kind of crazy, obsessed fans who will empty out their 401ks to buy out an entire IMAX theater showing Doctor Strange so they can jack it in peace.
My only hope is that one of the spells B. Cums has to say will include the word “penguin.”
Newsflash, Benny – it doesn’t matter what the message is, those crazy Cumberbitches will automatically translate it into: “Your internet boyfriend has a message for you: I LOVE YOU, LET’S GET MARRIED“. Emmet Otter’s fancy British cousin Benedict Cumberbatch recently spoke to People about his online legion of die-hard obsessed fans, The Cumberbitches, and says he’s flattered that there are so many humanoid otter enthusiasts out there, but he’s got a bit of a problem with the name they’ve chosen. Eggs Benedict then put on his best Women’s Studies Professor caftan and schooled those Cumberbitches on their misuse of the word ‘bitch’:
“But on a serious note, come on, give yourself more power as women. Don’t just call yourself bitches! I know it was a joke, and more of an empowering thing. The majority of [the fans] are smart and savvy and just having fun, but it’s getting out there. It sounds a bit [rude].”
Benedict suggested they might want to call themselves something else, like Cumbersomes, Cumbercollective, or Cumberfans instead. Ok, what about Dick Cummers? Or Cum Sluts? Is that still too rude? I think it might be too rude.
But I think it’s adorable that Benedict is clutching his pearls over the nickname Cumberbitches, because those horny horny Tumblr hos could have gone with something waaaaaay worse. For a dude whose name has both the words Dick and Cum in it, I’d say they kept it pretty tame.
And here’s the alien lizard apple of every Cum Chum’s eye wearing a mangy ginger poodle as a wig while filming Richard III. Seriously, what is that wig: it looks like polyester took dry shit on sadness.
Seen above clinging on to Benedict Cumberbatch as they shield themselves from the pussy nectar geysers shooting out of the Cumberbitches at the London premiere of The Imitation Game early last month, Keira Knightley was on Late Night with Seth Meyers last night and the subject of B. Cums’ insane fans came up. There’s no need for the original KK to join the Cumberbitch Protection Program, yet, because yeah, she called them scary, but she did it with ~love~.
KK worked with B. Cums in 2008 while shooting Atonement and that was long before he became the Alien Lizard God of Tumblr, so Seth said that she’s seen the evolution of the Cumberbitches. KK gently tiptoed into the subject by saying they’re “terrifying” yet “lovely.” I see KK adding a little British flavor to “oh honey, bless your heart.” The anti-Photoshop activist also told a story about how the Cumberbitches told her to move along.
“It’s terrifying. I mean, they’re lovely. I feel terrified saying they’re terrifying cause they might come after me. So… yes, it’s amazing! They’re very artistic! They paint pictures of him. You go to premieres and there’s these amazing paintings of Ben looking Ben-like… [They're] a very hysterical, artistic type.
I actually had a really embarrassing moment at the London premiere, because — they really do — they scream more than I’ve ever heard for anyone else, but I had a publicist with me and she went, ‘You know, go sign some autographs.’ I went over there and went ‘Oh yeah, of course, of course, no problem!’ And they were like, ‘Oh no, we don’t want you. We’re just here for Ben.’”
Terrifying, hysterical and artistic types… That should be Tumblr’s new tagline! From what I’ve seen, the Cumberbitches don’t seem to be as batshit as some of the other “fandoms,” but I’m still surprised that they shooed KK away the same way Kim Kardashian’s brain shoos away all reasonable thoughts. I mean, KK played B.Cums’ beard in the movie, so I’m assuming they had at least one kissing scene. Since her lips have touched B. Cums’ lips, I’m surprised the Cumberbitches didn’t ask to mate with her mouth or try to rip her mouth skin off.
Here’s the clip of KK talking about the Cumberbitches. Toward the end of the clip, she tells a little story about how her mom, playwright Sharman Macdonald, thinks Breaking Bad is a comedy:
So, KK’s mom sits there laughing while watching bodies melt from acid? I’d call that terrifying and lovel- No, I’d just call that terrifying.
Here’s a maybe pregnant KK leaving a NYC hotel while dressed like a rich hobo farmer.
I know, being a celebrity is weird. When they show up to an event together for the first time, it’s called their RED CARPET DEBUT!!!!! Us regulars don’t have a thing called a RED CARPET DEBUT, unless you count going on a date with your piece to Red Robin for the first time. And now I really want a freckled lemonade.
Because that Oscar isn’t going to win itself and a bitch has got to hustle, Bensonandhedges Cowlickpatch brought his fiancee of ten seconds Sophie Hunter to the NYC premiere of The Imitation Game last night. B. Cums and Sophie kept their hands in their pockets, because you know, they’re casual like that and they’re just going to be casual as the Cumberbitches drown in the gallons of foam that poured out of their mouths from seeing their otter lizard god with that
home wrecking aquarium wrecking hussy harlot. The Daily Mail has a picture of the side of Sophie’s engagement ring and I’m sure the Cumberbitches have already determined that it’s a CZ and can be rented from a prop rental place in Manchester, which proves that this a shameless, orchestrated STUNT QUEEN Oscar campaign stunt and nothing more! They knew it!
B. Cums knows that some of his fans are crazier than a Smith child joint interview (but not as crazy as the crazy bitch marrying Charles Manson), but he says it’s going to be okay. On yesterday’s Live! with Kelly and Michael, Kelly Ripa told B. Cums that he broke and shattered a lot of hearts by taking himself off the market and he had this to say about that:
“I’m very happy. I’m a very happy man. I have a great population of fans as well — they’re smart, they’ll get around to the idea. … Your ovaries do still have use, let me tell you!”
Some of the more hardcore Cumberbitches think that their bodies produce ovary eggs just for B. Cums. So him saying, “Your ovaries do still have use,” makes them think that there’s still a chance that he’ll fertilize their ovary eggs with his lizard jizz and their pussies will spit out a pile of lizard eggs moments later. There’s still hope, Cumberbitches!
Here’s more pictures from last night’s
The Imitation Game premiere Red Carpet Unveiling of CumHunter including pics of Keira Knightley and Matthew Goode. I guess the theme was fug wallpaper of the 70s. Because Sophie’s dress looks like the kind of glow in the dark floral wallpaper that a psychedelic grandma had in her bathroom in the late 70s and Keira’s dress looks like the wallpaper in the master bedroom of the presidential suite in the Las Vegas Sahara Hotel and Casino in 1974.
“You Know, The Guy I Usually Bring To These Things Always Leaves The Red Carpet Smelling Like Funyuns”
Because she’s always looking for any opportunity to clock a few extra hours of charity work, Dame St. Angie made an appearance at the Hollywood Film Awards last night. And since she’s got that movie she directed to pimp out, she also brought along the star of Unbroken (and owner of the pube-covered neck in Cara Delevingne’s stomach-churning hickey pic) Jack O’Connell.
Jack received the New Hollywood Award for his work in Unbroken and spent most of his acceptance speech slobbering over how wonderful St. Angie is. Meanwhile, Dame St. Angie’s husband Brad Pitt was at home slobbering on himself after he ripped an extra-long bong hit and passed out in his beanbag chair in the garage. He finally came too when the puddle of funyun drool collecting on his shoulder began to attract rats, or as he calls them, “bitey mice”.
I’m not sure why Dame St. Angie left Brapi at home, but it probably had something to do with her dress. Yes, St. Angie has worn 1,734,256 black dresses, but has she even worn a felt dress? Felt picks up everything – it’s like a hoarder in fabric form. So I can only imagine the hassle it would have been to try to keep that felt dress clean. All she’d have to do is lightly brush against Hobo Brad, and that thing would have been covered in Taco Bell crumbs and errant beard hairs and weed stems.
Here’s more of Dame St. Angie working some sexy couch fabric realness, as well as all the other famous hos at the Hollywood Film Awards last night:
No, I don’t mean “does 11 famous people” like that, unfortunately.
I wish this was a video of the alien amphibian adonis Beadybeads Colliefarm having a huge, messy orgy with 11 famous people and hatching his eggs in all of them, but sadly it isn’t. During an interview with MTV’s Josh Horowitz to promote The Imitation Game, B. Cums was asked to impersonate 11 celebrities of Josh’s choosing. Here are the 11:
John Malcovich: His Malcovich impersonation sounds more like an effeminate teenage boy on weed. Wait, maybe that’s what Malcovich sounds like?
Alan Rickman: His Alan Rickman impersonation sort of sounds like Kathleen Turner doing a British accent right after getting a root canal and that’s what Alan Rickman sounds like to me. Perfect!
Sean Connery: I cannot judge this impersonation until I play it for my mom who loves Sean Connery. If she passes out, I’ll know it was spot on.
Jack Nicholson: See above.
Tom Hiddleston: B. Cums and Hiddles are the Gods of Tumblr, so I went over there and the most popular tag was #ijustsquirtedforthefirsttime. So I’d say it was on point!
Owen Wilson: His Owen Wilson sounds a little like Kermit the Frog with laryngitis.
Michael Caine: See Sean Connery and Jack Nicholson.
Christopher Walken: One thing I learned while watching B. Cums do Christopher Walken is that lizards cannot do Christopher Walken.
Bane: Pretty dead on.
The Texas T-Rex: No. Needs more “alright alright alright.”
Taylor Swift: NAILED IT! Even better than the real thing.
I laughed at all of them, but then afterward my laugh face turned into a worry face. Because now I know that alien lizards can impersonate a specific human. The lizard uprising is near…