I’m not all that familiar with intergalactic wedding customs, but it appears aliens might not have the same appreciation for the post-wedding ceremony tradition that we Earthlings call a “honeymoon”. After getting married to his pregnant human bride Sophie Hunter on Saturday (Earth’s Valentine’s Day), Kif Kroker’s fancy actor cousin Benedict Cumberbatch decided to ditch his honeymoon and make an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! instead.
According to Jimmy Kimmel, it sounds like Eggs Benedict had been scheduled to appear on the show long before he decided to make it legal with his knocked up girlfriend, and sometimes you have to make serious sacrifices if you want that Best Actor Oscar. So he called up Death Valley and told them to cancel the hot rock he had reserved for his post-wedding alien lizard love-fest, and hopped on a flight to Los Angeles. Thankfully, Jimmy Kimmel made sure he wouldn’t feel like he was missing out on anything, so he changed the backdrop into something a little more sexy and brought out some piña coladas. “That’s nice, but can we get back to talking about my performance in The Imitation Game? Academy voting ends at midnight” thought Cumberbatch, as he choked down a mouthful of lukewarm coconut jizz.
Jimmy also suggested that Benedict name his future spawn something that starts with the letter Q, so his name will be Q. Cumberbatch. That’s sweet, but Benedict Cumberbatch is an alien masquerading as a very fancy British person, which means he’ll probably go with something that sounds like a traditional family name, like Hinklebottom, St. Octavius Gingernut, or Fitz-Nigel. Or maybe he’ll honor his otter heritage and name it Emmet.
Here’s Benedict and his new wife Sophie looking like members of the Sleestak royal family as they arrived at LAX yesterday:
It’s a dark, dark day for the Cumberbitches today. According to People, Kif Kroker’s cousin Benedict Cumberbatch made it legal with his knocked-up British girlfriend Sophie Hunter after being engaged for 3 months. A Valentine’s Day wedding? How very ‘I’m totally not an alien, I’m a legitimate human being’ of you, Benedict. Only a real human person would get married on Earth’s national love day! Even Smith Comma John is like “Too obvious, man.”
So far, not much is known about Eggs Benedict’s secret wedding, but People says they got married on the Isle of Wight at the parish church of St. Peter and St. Paul. Oooh, two saints? How fancy. Metro UK says his best man was his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman, aka Bilbo Baggins, aka Tim Canterbury from The Office, and that Keira Knightley was one of the guests. No word on whether or not there was a procession of pengwings, but I choose to believe there was.
Eddie Redmayne better watch his back, because there’s only 3 days left before Oscar voting ends, and Benedict is making things happen. He got secret married, and I bet he can get Sophie to go into secret labor next. He’s from outer space, he can do these things! Eddie, you only have 3 days to one-up Benedict; my suggestion is adopting a litter of future seeing-eye puppies or getting knocked-up yourself. I know it’s not technically possible, but do you want the Oscar or not? Make it happen!
Now that he was expected to, but now I fully expect his kind to drop in on Earth from their home planet and terrorize London for snubbing their overlord. Thanks, BAFTAs voters, you just started the Reptilian vs. Human war.
Benedict Cumberbatch and his knocked up fiancee Sophie Hunter slithered on the red carpet on the BAFTAs tonight and I don’t think I’ve noticed this before, but have they always had the same shaped face? Did getting filed up with B. Cums’ alien lizard mating nectar morph her face into the same shape as his or have they both always looked like the come-to-life police sketch of an alien? Oscar voting ends in less than 10 days, so I’m highly disappointed that Sophie Hunter didn’t give birth to their spawn right there on the red carpet as a puppy they both rescued from a fire (for real and not Brian Williams-style) married them. Come on, B. Cums, time is running out and you better start churning out the STUNT QUEEN stunts. Or at least leak career-ruining stories to the media about how Michael Keaton once liked Iggy Azalea’s Facebook page and Eddie Redmyane actually paid to see and enjoyed Mortdecai.
Click here to see the full list of all the hos who won tonight, but if you don’t want to see the full list, here’s the nominees and winners of some of the main categories.
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything
OUTSTANDING BRITISH FILM
The Theory of Everything
The Imitation Game
Under the Skin
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Ralph Fiennes, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Amy Adams, Big Eyes
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Boyhood, Richard Linklater
Birdman, Alejandro G. Inarritu
The Grand Budapest Hotel, Wes Anderson
The Theory of Everything, James Marsh
Whiplash, Damien Chazelle
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Edward Norton, Birdman
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Emma Stone, Birdman
Imelda Staunton, Pride
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Rene Russo, Nightcrawler
Do we even need to bother with the Oscars at this point? I’d bet my beat down asshole on Julianne Moore, J.K. Simmons and Patricia Arquette getting trophies. Can’t they just skip all the speeches and handing out of awards and instead air a documentary on the life of Dick Poop?
Here’s more pictures from tonight including some of Michael Keaton, Keira Knightley and Laura Jeanne Poon. I kind of want the Bobbies to fuck with Laura Jeanne Poon after one of the BAFTA after-parties, because I’m wondering what she’d yell at police if she couldn’t yell, “I’M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN ON AMERICAN SOIL!”
It’s a shitty shame that SkyMall is close to death, because they’re the ones to sell an Amy Adams scarf.
The cover of last year’s Vanity Fair Hollywood issue wasn’t sixty layers of awful as usual, so I guess this year they decided to go back to wet farting up covers that look a shitty mess. They took the actors from some of the this year’s Oscar-nominated movies and threw them all on this raggedy cover together. On it are: Amy Adams, Channing Tatum, Reese Witherspoon, Eddie Redmayne, Felicity Jones, David Oyelowo, Benedict Cumberbatch, Sienna Miller, Oscar Isaac and Miles Teller. Almost everybody on this cover looks like hell. Vanity Fair did them wrong. Amy Adams looks like she’s been suffering from the flu for two weeks, Carol Channing Tatum O’Neal looks like a smug caveman lothario who’s carrying the woman he just clubbed, Laura Jeanne Poon’s tits look like a tiny flat ass, Eddie Redmayne and B. Cums look like two creepy aliens you can’t trust and Miles Teller loos like a confused poodle who just got Dirty Sanchez’d. Behold the pullout:
They look like a bunch of high schoolers who left prom early, got drunk on Boone’s Farms in the parking lot and then piled into a booth at Denny’s to share a plate of french fries.
I hear some of you screaming, “Who did Sienna Miller’s publicist blow to get her on that cover?” Sorry home wrecker haters, but she belongs on that cover. Not only did she say one of the important lines in Foxcatcher (“I said hi, Mark”) but she acted alongside one of the most relevant and biggest stars in Hollywood today: the fake baby from American Sniper! Speaking of, this cover is trash and whatever credibility Vanity Fair had left, they flushed down the urinal as soon as they made the decision to not put the fake baby from American Sniper on the cover. That fake baby is the only star in Hollywood who really matters.
Also, here’s some pictures of Laura Jeanne Poon, Eddie Redmayne and Felicity Jones at yesterday’s Oscar nominee luncheon in L.A. Julianne Moore is not on VF’s cover, but I threw in pictures of her, because everybody needs to know that her stylist must be stopped.
I guess the Reptilian from Benedict Cumberbatch’s home planet who trained him to talk and act like a modern day human before he came to Earth forgot to tell him that it’s probably not a good idea to refer to black people as “colored.” The alien lizard masquerading as a Posh British actor was on PBS’ The Tavis Smalley Show last week and they got into talking about diversity in Hollywood. B. Cums called black actors” colored” when talking about how there’s more roles in the US than in the UK for black actors. B. Cums’ great great great great great great great-granddaddy would be proud!
“I think as far as colored actors go, it gets really difficult in the U.K., and a lot of my friends have had more opportunities (in the U.S.) than in the U.K. and that’s something that needs to change.”
The clip is here if your ears need to hear it for themselves. Some people said that B. Cums should get a pass since he’s a privileged British person who was raised by privileged British people who still use outdated phrases from the old times, but many, many others including the UK-based organization Show Racism the Red Card slapped at his lizard slit of a mouth for saying that shit.
It looks like Benedict Cumberbatch is the Jennifer Lawrence of this awards season. Yay.
During that awkward Golden Globes skit where Margaret Cho (done up as a North Korean journalist for a movie magazine) got her picture taken with Meryl Streep, the ever thirsty Babadook Chamomilepunch just had to snatch away some of the attention by jumping into the picture. He looked like my chihuahua trying to get on the bed. I get that CUMBERBOMBING is B. Cums’ thing, but this shit was so choreographed and staged that I could practically hear Debbie Allen scream, “3..2…JUMP,” off camera. B. Cums even changed into a blinding white blazer so that everyone could clearly see him jumping over the Meryl. Was it really necessary? B. Cums already got a lot of attention for his engagement and for the cumberbaby growing in a human woman’s uterus, and now he’s trying to get more attention by Jennifer Lawrence’ing his way through awards season. What’s next? He’s going to stage a fall at the Oscars and tell a magazine how he just loves the smell of his fiancee’s pregnancy farts?
What am I saying!
B. Cums wasn’t going full attention whore by photobombing that picture. He was trying to escape! That wasn’t a leap for attention, it was a leap for help. He was obviously trying to jump away from the conniving, scheming, hussy harlot who trapped him into being a father and husband. I’ve seen all of the Planet Earths so I should know a lizard’s distress face when I see one. And here I am calling him an attention whore when he’s in pain and trying to get away from that lizard trapper. Shame on me.
And if Golden Globe winner Eddie Redmayne has any love in his heart for the alien lizard community, he’d drop out of the Oscar race and let B. Cums take the award for Best Actor. After everything B. Cums has been through, he deserves it.
So it begins… It was the Mayans who said (they didn’t say this) that in the year 2014, a human will mate with an alien lizard king visiting from another planet and months later she will give birth to an all-powerful baby who will take over the world and capture us all. They were right. Soon, we’re all going to be Cumberbtiches whether we like it or not.
Benedict Cumberbatch’s rep tells E! News that his fiancee of two months Sophie Hunter is carrying a cumberbaby in her womb. When asked for a comment, Oscar rival Eddie Redmayne said, “Oh yeah, oh yeah, well my WIFE is pregnant with quadruplets and we’ve already named them Oscarella, Oscarina, Oscartina and Oscarola.” Even though I’m obsessed with the Cumberbitches (does that mean I’m a Cumberbitchbitch?), I haven’t been to Tumblr yet, so I have no idea if it’s crumbled from the weight of 10,000 word posts written by his hardcore fans who think it’s sad that their God’s team is making him get engaged and make a baby just to win a trophy. Or maybe they haven’t written any posts like that, because they were too busy using their fingers to poke out their eyes after reading the worst thing they’ve ever read.
Here’s the statement from B. Cums’ rep:
“I am delighted to confirm that Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter are expecting their first child. They are both over the moon.”
Yes, they said “over the moon,” but it doesn’t bother me. They probably went over the moon literally while traveling to his home planet to share the happy news with his subjects.
In case you missed them, here’s pictures of Sophie’s “bump” at the Palm Springs International Film Festival over the weekend.
The holidays are over and famous actor types have taken off their bikinis and said goodbye to sunbathing their parts on a yacht in the Caribbean and put on a $10,000 borrowed designer gown to say hello to weeks of getting drunk on top shelf champagne while jacking off other famous actor types at award shows and film festivals. They all went back to “work” last night at the awards gala for the Palm Springs International Film Festival in wait for it… wait for it… Palm Springs, CA.
Reese Witherspoon won the Chairman’s Award for Wild, Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne won the Desert Achievement Award for Still Alice and The Theory of Everything, J.K. Simmons won the Spotlight Award for Whiplash, the cast of The Imitation Game won the Ensemble Cast Award and Rosamund Pike and David Oyelowo won the Breakthrough Performance Award for Gone Girl and Selma. And Bennyhill Custardsnatch and his fiancee of ten minutes Sophie Hunter walked away with the I See You Bitches Award.
Also, if you’ve always wanted to see Bendandsnap Culohatch touch mouths with Laura Jeanne Poon, then you’re a sucio, kinky fuck. The next time I type “felching” into PornHub, I’ll tell myself not to feel too gross since out there in the world are messes more depraved than me. The kind of messes who get the tingles from watching these to go at it with their mouths.
It’s that time of year again when actors who want an Oscar work it like their pimp is in jail and they gotta bail him out before morning. Every year, The New York Times Magazine answers the question “Which actors are so hard up for an Oscar that they’ll do whatever we say?” by putting out a bunch of artsy videos starring some Oscar hopefuls. This year they took 17 of this year’s “best actors” (and Kristen Stewart) and paired them up together in kissing scenes. B. Cums and Reese got paired up and this is what their kiss looks like:
When I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade we went on a field trip to the zoo and we got to watch a zookeeper feed an iguana pieces of butternut squash. That iguana was all about the butternut squash. So while watching B. Cums and Reese kiss, I kept waiting for him to show his lizard self by trying to bite off her chin after mistaking it for a butternut squash.
The rest of the RIVETING videos are after the cut. If you need to know names before you commit by clicking, the kissing hos include: Kristen Stewart, Rosario Dawson, Patricia Arquette, Chadwick Boseman, Jack O’Connell, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Miles Teller, Julianne Moore and more. You can pull your pants up and put the lube away, because there is man-on-man mouth action but it’s not between Chadwick and Jack.
The powers-that-be at Marvel were all in their offices one day, doing what they usually do (burn money for fun), when one of them said out loud, “You know, that Bendable Cummysnatch fellow is really underexposed, so we should give the kid a little attention and cast him in one of our tiny movies.” After weeks of rumors that the King of the Salarians will play a human superhero, Marvel has finally let it be known that Hollywood’s Mister Strange is going to be Doctor Strange.
Benedict Cumberbatch has entered the world of the mystic arts.
The actor will star in Marvel’s “Doctor Strange,” scheduled to hit theaters November 4, 2016. The film, directed by Scott Derrickson with Jon Spaihts writing the screenplay, will follow the story of neurosurgeon Doctor Stephen Strange who, after a horrific car accident, discovers the hidden world of magic and alternate dimensions.
“Stephen Strange’s story requires an actor capable of great depth and sincerity,” said Producer Kevin Feige. “In 2016, Benedict will show audiences what makes Doctor Strange such a unique and compelling character.”
What that Kevin Feige dude means is that they needed an actor with the kind of crazy, obsessed fans who will empty out their 401ks to buy out an entire IMAX theater showing Doctor Strange so they can jack it in peace.
My only hope is that one of the spells B. Cums has to say will include the word “penguin.”