Also, if you’ve always wanted to see Bendandsnap Culohatch touch mouths with Laura Jeanne Poon, then you’re a sucio, kinky fuck. The next time I type “felching” into PornHub, I’ll tell myself not to feel too gross since out there in the world are messes more depraved than me. The kind of messes who get the tingles from watching these to go at it with their mouths.
It’s that time of year again when actors who want an Oscar work it like their pimp is in jail and they gotta bail him out before morning. Every year, The New York Times Magazine answers the question “Which actors are so hard up for an Oscar that they’ll do whatever we say?” by putting out a bunch of artsy videos starring some Oscar hopefuls. This year they took 17 of this year’s “best actors” (and Kristen Stewart) and paired them up together in kissing scenes. B. Cums and Reese got paired up and this is what their kiss looks like:
When I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade we went on a field trip to the zoo and we got to watch a zookeeper feed an iguana pieces of butternut squash. That iguana was all about the butternut squash. So while watching B. Cums and Reese kiss, I kept waiting for him to show his lizard self by trying to bite off her chin after mistaking it for a butternut squash.
The rest of the RIVETING videos are after the cut. If you need to know names before you commit by clicking, the kissing hos include: Kristen Stewart, Rosario Dawson, Patricia Arquette, Chadwick Boseman, Jack O’Connell, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Miles Teller, Julianne Moore and more. You can pull your pants up and put the lube away, because there is man-on-man mouth action but it’s not between Chadwick and Jack.
The powers-that-be at Marvel were all in their offices one day, doing what they usually do (burn money for fun), when one of them said out loud, “You know, that Bendable Cummysnatch fellow is really underexposed, so we should give the kid a little attention and cast him in one of our tiny movies.” After weeks of rumors that the King of the Salarians will play a human superhero, Marvel has finally let it be known that Hollywood’s Mister Strange is going to be Doctor Strange.
Benedict Cumberbatch has entered the world of the mystic arts.
The actor will star in Marvel’s “Doctor Strange,” scheduled to hit theaters November 4, 2016. The film, directed by Scott Derrickson with Jon Spaihts writing the screenplay, will follow the story of neurosurgeon Doctor Stephen Strange who, after a horrific car accident, discovers the hidden world of magic and alternate dimensions.
“Stephen Strange’s story requires an actor capable of great depth and sincerity,” said Producer Kevin Feige. “In 2016, Benedict will show audiences what makes Doctor Strange such a unique and compelling character.”
What that Kevin Feige dude means is that they needed an actor with the kind of crazy, obsessed fans who will empty out their 401ks to buy out an entire IMAX theater showing Doctor Strange so they can jack it in peace.
My only hope is that one of the spells B. Cums has to say will include the word “penguin.”
Newsflash, Benny – it doesn’t matter what the message is, those crazy Cumberbitches will automatically translate it into: “Your internet boyfriend has a message for you: I LOVE YOU, LET’S GET MARRIED“. Emmet Otter’s fancy British cousin Benedict Cumberbatch recently spoke to People about his online legion of die-hard obsessed fans, The Cumberbitches, and says he’s flattered that there are so many humanoid otter enthusiasts out there, but he’s got a bit of a problem with the name they’ve chosen. Eggs Benedict then put on his best Women’s Studies Professor caftan and schooled those Cumberbitches on their misuse of the word ‘bitch’:
“But on a serious note, come on, give yourself more power as women. Don’t just call yourself bitches! I know it was a joke, and more of an empowering thing. The majority of [the fans] are smart and savvy and just having fun, but it’s getting out there. It sounds a bit [rude].”
Benedict suggested they might want to call themselves something else, like Cumbersomes, Cumbercollective, or Cumberfans instead. Ok, what about Dick Cummers? Or Cum Sluts? Is that still too rude? I think it might be too rude.
But I think it’s adorable that Benedict is clutching his pearls over the nickname Cumberbitches, because those horny horny Tumblr hos could have gone with something waaaaaay worse. For a dude whose name has both the words Dick and Cum in it, I’d say they kept it pretty tame.
And here’s the alien lizard apple of every Cum Chum’s eye wearing a mangy ginger poodle as a wig while filming Richard III. Seriously, what is that wig: it looks like polyester took dry shit on sadness.
Seen above clinging on to Benedict Cumberbatch as they shield themselves from the pussy nectar geysers shooting out of the Cumberbitches at the London premiere of The Imitation Game early last month, Keira Knightley was on Late Night with Seth Meyers last night and the subject of B. Cums’ insane fans came up. There’s no need for the original KK to join the Cumberbitch Protection Program, yet, because yeah, she called them scary, but she did it with ~love~.
KK worked with B. Cums in 2008 while shooting Atonement and that was long before he became the Alien Lizard God of Tumblr, so Seth said that she’s seen the evolution of the Cumberbitches. KK gently tiptoed into the subject by saying they’re “terrifying” yet “lovely.” I see KK adding a little British flavor to “oh honey, bless your heart.” The anti-Photoshop activist also told a story about how the Cumberbitches told her to move along.
“It’s terrifying. I mean, they’re lovely. I feel terrified saying they’re terrifying cause they might come after me. So… yes, it’s amazing! They’re very artistic! They paint pictures of him. You go to premieres and there’s these amazing paintings of Ben looking Ben-like… [They're] a very hysterical, artistic type.
I actually had a really embarrassing moment at the London premiere, because — they really do — they scream more than I’ve ever heard for anyone else, but I had a publicist with me and she went, ‘You know, go sign some autographs.’ I went over there and went ‘Oh yeah, of course, of course, no problem!’ And they were like, ‘Oh no, we don’t want you. We’re just here for Ben.’”
Terrifying, hysterical and artistic types… That should be Tumblr’s new tagline! From what I’ve seen, the Cumberbitches don’t seem to be as batshit as some of the other “fandoms,” but I’m still surprised that they shooed KK away the same way Kim Kardashian’s brain shoos away all reasonable thoughts. I mean, KK played B.Cums’ beard in the movie, so I’m assuming they had at least one kissing scene. Since her lips have touched B. Cums’ lips, I’m surprised the Cumberbitches didn’t ask to mate with her mouth or try to rip her mouth skin off.
Here’s the clip of KK talking about the Cumberbitches. Toward the end of the clip, she tells a little story about how her mom, playwright Sharman Macdonald, thinks Breaking Bad is a comedy:
So, KK’s mom sits there laughing while watching bodies melt from acid? I’d call that terrifying and lovel- No, I’d just call that terrifying.
Here’s a maybe pregnant KK leaving a NYC hotel while dressed like a rich hobo farmer.
I know, being a celebrity is weird. When they show up to an event together for the first time, it’s called their RED CARPET DEBUT!!!!! Us regulars don’t have a thing called a RED CARPET DEBUT, unless you count going on a date with your piece to Red Robin for the first time. And now I really want a freckled lemonade.
Because that Oscar isn’t going to win itself and a bitch has got to hustle, Bensonandhedges Cowlickpatch brought his fiancee of ten seconds Sophie Hunter to the NYC premiere of The Imitation Game last night. B. Cums and Sophie kept their hands in their pockets, because you know, they’re casual like that and they’re just going to be casual as the Cumberbitches drown in the gallons of foam that poured out of their mouths from seeing their otter lizard god with that
home wrecking aquarium wrecking hussy harlot. The Daily Mail has a picture of the side of Sophie’s engagement ring and I’m sure the Cumberbitches have already determined that it’s a CZ and can be rented from a prop rental place in Manchester, which proves that this a shameless, orchestrated STUNT QUEEN Oscar campaign stunt and nothing more! They knew it!
B. Cums knows that some of his fans are crazier than a Smith child joint interview (but not as crazy as the crazy bitch marrying Charles Manson), but he says it’s going to be okay. On yesterday’s Live! with Kelly and Michael, Kelly Ripa told B. Cums that he broke and shattered a lot of hearts by taking himself off the market and he had this to say about that:
“I’m very happy. I’m a very happy man. I have a great population of fans as well — they’re smart, they’ll get around to the idea. … Your ovaries do still have use, let me tell you!”
Some of the more hardcore Cumberbitches think that their bodies produce ovary eggs just for B. Cums. So him saying, “Your ovaries do still have use,” makes them think that there’s still a chance that he’ll fertilize their ovary eggs with his lizard jizz and their pussies will spit out a pile of lizard eggs moments later. There’s still hope, Cumberbitches!
Here’s more pictures from last night’s
The Imitation Game premiere Red Carpet Unveiling of CumHunter including pics of Keira Knightley and Matthew Goode. I guess the theme was fug wallpaper of the 70s. Because Sophie’s dress looks like the kind of glow in the dark floral wallpaper that a psychedelic grandma had in her bathroom in the late 70s and Keira’s dress looks like the wallpaper in the master bedroom of the presidential suite in the Las Vegas Sahara Hotel and Casino in 1974.
“You Know, The Guy I Usually Bring To These Things Always Leaves The Red Carpet Smelling Like Funyuns”
Because she’s always looking for any opportunity to clock a few extra hours of charity work, Dame St. Angie made an appearance at the Hollywood Film Awards last night. And since she’s got that movie she directed to pimp out, she also brought along the star of Unbroken (and owner of the pube-covered neck in Cara Delevingne’s stomach-churning hickey pic) Jack O’Connell.
Jack received the New Hollywood Award for his work in Unbroken and spent most of his acceptance speech slobbering over how wonderful St. Angie is. Meanwhile, Dame St. Angie’s husband Brad Pitt was at home slobbering on himself after he ripped an extra-long bong hit and passed out in his beanbag chair in the garage. He finally came too when the puddle of funyun drool collecting on his shoulder began to attract rats, or as he calls them, “bitey mice”.
I’m not sure why Dame St. Angie left Brapi at home, but it probably had something to do with her dress. Yes, St. Angie has worn 1,734,256 black dresses, but has she even worn a felt dress? Felt picks up everything – it’s like a hoarder in fabric form. So I can only imagine the hassle it would have been to try to keep that felt dress clean. All she’d have to do is lightly brush against Hobo Brad, and that thing would have been covered in Taco Bell crumbs and errant beard hairs and weed stems.
Here’s more of Dame St. Angie working some sexy couch fabric realness, as well as all the other famous hos at the Hollywood Film Awards last night:
No, I don’t mean “does 11 famous people” like that, unfortunately.
I wish this was a video of the alien amphibian adonis Beadybeads Colliefarm having a huge, messy orgy with 11 famous people and hatching his eggs in all of them, but sadly it isn’t. During an interview with MTV’s Josh Horowitz to promote The Imitation Game, B. Cums was asked to impersonate 11 celebrities of Josh’s choosing. Here are the 11:
John Malcovich: His Malcovich impersonation sounds more like an effeminate teenage boy on weed. Wait, maybe that’s what Malcovich sounds like?
Alan Rickman: His Alan Rickman impersonation sort of sounds like Kathleen Turner doing a British accent right after getting a root canal and that’s what Alan Rickman sounds like to me. Perfect!
Sean Connery: I cannot judge this impersonation until I play it for my mom who loves Sean Connery. If she passes out, I’ll know it was spot on.
Jack Nicholson: See above.
Tom Hiddleston: B. Cums and Hiddles are the Gods of Tumblr, so I went over there and the most popular tag was #ijustsquirtedforthefirsttime. So I’d say it was on point!
Owen Wilson: His Owen Wilson sounds a little like Kermit the Frog with laryngitis.
Michael Caine: See Sean Connery and Jack Nicholson.
Christopher Walken: One thing I learned while watching B. Cums do Christopher Walken is that lizards cannot do Christopher Walken.
Bane: Pretty dead on.
The Texas T-Rex: No. Needs more “alright alright alright.”
Taylor Swift: NAILED IT! Even better than the real thing.
I laughed at all of them, but then afterward my laugh face turned into a worry face. Because now I know that alien lizards can impersonate a specific human. The lizard uprising is near…
Early this morning, every Cumberbitch woke up and after she used her fingers to chip away the shell of crusty tears that sealed her eyelids shut, she opened her eyes to see her loved one holding an open laptop while saying, “It’s time to face the Internet again.” The glare from her laptop screen blinded her for a second and she screamed, “I’m not ready! I’m not ready to face the truth!” Well, hopefully she ignored the Internet, went back to bed and continued to weep while clutching her otter stuffed animal (it’s the closest thing to a Benedict Cumberbatch Real Doll out there), because this totally truthful rumor will make her rip her own heart out and eat it.
As you all know, the Internet was almost buried alive under a mountain of broken hearts and shattered dreams yesterday when Bendandsnap Culomatches and his fancy theater director girlfriend Sophie Hunter announced in a newspaper that they’re getting married. The Daily Mail says that B. Cums and Sophie Hunter are moving pretty fast, because he only started rubbing his cloaca against her recently. B. Cums and Sophie have been friends for years and years, but they just started dating full-time five months ago, if that. The source says that B. Cums proposed on Monday and they told the newspaper on Tuesday.
“It has moved fast, but when something works, it works. They are very good for each other and are very much in love. They have mutual friends and mutual interests in the theatre. It just works. They have clicked. It is lovely news. They just got engaged this week. He didn’t go up to Edinburgh to ask her mum first. He asked her, I think, on Monday, then they rang to put the advert in on Tuesday.”
Because B. Cums put a ring on it so fast, some are saying that Sophie is pregnant and might hatch out a litter of alien lizard human babies in a few months. But a few Cumberbitches think this is all just a STUNT QUEEN stunt to get him more exposure before he begins his campaign for Oscar! I know, getting married is crazy in itself, but getting married to win an Oscar? Whatever happened to the old-fashioned sane ways of winning an Oscar like pushing your rival down the stairs or anonymously telling the media that your biggest competition is a racist homophobe?
I doubt B. Cums knocked up his fiancee, but if he did, we’ll all save so much money on our heating bills this winter. We’ll be able to warm our ass cheeks on the flames of fiery rage shooting out of the Cumberbitches.
If I could, I’d make a green bean and French’s onion casserole for all of you Cumberbitches out there as an offer of my condolences, because I know it’s a heartbreaking and sad-filled day for you and your vagina (who is probably wearing a black lace coochie veil right now). As you already know from the loud sound of the Cumberbitches wails mixed in with the sound of the lizard kingdom letting out a million celebratory chirps for their king, Bonnebell Combover is one hundred percent engaged to his girlfriend Sophie Hunter (or as some of the Cumberbitches call her: That Ostrich-Faced Homely Harlot Trollop Whore Who’s Lucky That Benny Needs A Stunt For His Oscar Campaign Ugh I Hate That Bitch Tramp!!!!####121!!!!!).
38-year-old B. Cum and 36-year-old Sophie announced their engagement in the “Forthcoming Marriages” section of the Times and that might seem like some posh Downton Abbey shit, but I expected their engagement to be announced by a messenger reading from a scroll in the middle of town square. Here’s their little announcement (which some Cumberbitches have already written in black mascara tears on their pillows before punching it repeatedly while screaming):
The engagement is announced between Benedict, son of Wanda and Timothy Cumberbatch of London, and Sophie, daughter of Katharine Hunter of Edinburgh and Charles Hunter of London.
Benihana Cameraphone and Sophie Hunty, who’s an actress and theater director, met for the first time when she was eating a salad in a garden and he crawled onto her leg to beg her for a piece of wet lettuce. It’s been true love ever since. No, they’ve been friends for years and started having hot alien lizard human sex ever since. This is what Sophie Hunter looks like if you need to put a face to the object of the Cumberbitches’ RAGE!
B. Cums and Sophie Hunty didn’t say when they’re getting married, but I’m sure it’ll be right after molting season so his skin can look extra fresh and shiny. And don’t feel too bad, Cumberbitches. Once the wedding pictures come out, you can paste your face over Sophie Hunty’s face and put the picture next to her voodoo doll on your mantel.
If the whole being “the alien lizard sex god of Tumblr and beyond” doesn’t work out for Bentducttape Cummyrash he can always get a full-time job as a Sherlock Holmes soft-core fanfiction writer, because he’s got it down. I don’t watch the BBC’s Sherlock Holmes, because I prefer my Sherlock in a more classical setting and for me, it’s not close enough to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s original stories. That is why I only watch the gay porn parody Surelick Homos. But I have read that Benedict’s Sherlock never sticks his shercock in anybody and he’s pretty much a-sexual. During an interview with Elle UK, Benedict and the interviewer got into talking about what Sherlock would be like during fuck times.
The interviewer thinks that Sherlock would be a dud in bed, but B. Cums thinks the exact opposite. B. Cums convinces the interviewer by getting detailed. He’s obviously thought about this a lot. He starts off by saying how he’d prepare for the sex and what the condom fitting would be like:
Oooh… You know I’d get the, I’d probably test the latex, if it involved prophylactics, beforehand.
I’d do a little experiment to do with durability, length, girth, and um, strength. And um, I would probably take a lot of vitamin supplements to make sure that I could perform, and had had my sleep, and probably not had many cigarettes. Or drink, for that matter. Not that he does drink.
Is he preparing to fuck or preparing for surgery? Damn. And then he goes on to describe lizard cunnilingus and finger banging amphibian-style.
And then I would be devastating. I’d know exactly how to please a woman, I’d know exactly where to put my fingers, where to put my tongue, where to put my – his I should say – his fingers, his tongue. Think about violinists, think about what they can do with their fingers.
And I’d know exactly how to get that person into it, and get pleasure out of making that person feel pleasure to the point that I probably wouldn’t even have to enter…
But when I did it would be explosive.
I’m sure the coochies of the Cumberbitches are still spitting out steam after reading this, but I don’t know why. So what he’s saying is that Sherlock’s piece has to lie around and wait as he methodically tries on condoms like he’s trying on a tuxedo for his wedding day. After that, she’d have to wait some more as he takes some Centrum, gives himself a B12 shot, takes a power nap and plays the Rocky theme song while giving his dick a pep talk. Finally, he’d give her some tongue and finger love and after all of that, he’d stick in the tip of his hemipenis for a second before cumming. 3 hours of pre-sex warming up, 1 hour of foreplay and 10 seconds of dicking. That’s what I got from this. So in other words, Benedict thinks Sherlock is surely a cock tease.
I want to know what Robert Downey Jr. thinks of this.