A couple of years ago cumberbitches were treated to a lecture by reptilian thespian Benedict Cumberbatch about proper theater etiquette after a production of Hamlet at the Barbican Theater in London. Turns out Benny Cucumbers (that’s his mafia nickname, look it up if you don’t believe me) was making a habit out of lecturing theatergoers during that production. According to The Big Issue, Benny often took time after his performances to bring awareness to the European refugee crisis, even going as far as having the ushers pass a bucket to collect money for the cause. And he admits, sometimes he was a bit a of douche about it.
When Benedict Cumberbatch’s wife Sophie let the world know that a second CumberBaby was growing in her womb by showing up to the premiere of Doctor Strange looking slightly bigger in the fetus growing area, the conspiracy theorist branch of the Cumberbitches immediately congratulated the makers of foam baby bumps. Well, the conspiracy theorizing Cumberbitches are now congratulating the makers of the Tiny Tears doll, because The Daily Mail says that Sophie Cumberbatch and B. Cums’ second kid is here.
Here’s some terrible, tragic news for all the Sherlock shippers out there. Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman have appeared in four seasons and a special together as updated versions of Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. There have been plans for a fifth season, although no one knows for sure if that’s going to happen. The Sun seems to think they’ve solved the mystery of the fifth season. It sounds like if it were up to Benedict and Martin, they’d throw that fifth season in a folder marked “Things I’d Rather Not Do.”
As of right now, the closest a Cumberbitch can come (ew, truly poor word choice) to making contact with Benedict Cumberbatch is a fan letter sent opened by his assistant containing a poem about his beautiful beady eyes written in ink mixed with their own cooch juices. If Benedict Cumberbatch has his way, it’s going to stay like that.
Benedict isn’t on Instagram and he’s not on Twitter, and he recently told People he has no plans on joining because he doesn’t want to become consumed by something so “toxic.” He wants nothing to do with that social media lifestyle. Somewhere the Kardashians just recoiled in horror at the thought.
“I can’t get involved in social media because as they know, it’d be a disaster. I can’t tweet to save my life. I’d go over my character limits and never make any sense. It would just consume me and I find that whole thing ultimately very toxic. I’d much rather spend my energy doing what brought me to their attention in the first place, which is my work.”
Benedict’s kind of right, because his social media experience would be different than most. If he joined Instagram, his eyes would be consumed with trying to delete the thousands upon thousands of comments from Cumberbitches begging him to leave his fake family for them and desperate pleas to “PLEASE FOLLOW ME BACK, DADDY SHERLOCK!!“. But he shouldn’t worry about the Twitter thing. No matter how little sense he made, his tweets wouldn’t be anywhere near as incoherent as those of the reigning celebrity 140-character queen, Demi Lovato.
Here’s Benedict and Tilda Swinton looking like an uptight principal and her easy-going vice principal while promoting Doctor Strange at Soho House in Berlin a few days ago.
The Hollywood premiere of Marvel’s
Doctor Whitewashing Doctor Strange happened last night, and Benedict Cumberbatch brought two guests: his wife Sophie Hunter and the latest CumberBaby that’s gestating in her womb right now.
To me, Benedict Cumberbatch’s union with his wife Sophie Hunter is about as riveting as eating a plain rice cake while watching a re-run of Antiques Roadshow. (The Roadshowaloonies are totally going to shank me for that one.) But out there in the land of the internet are some Cumberbitches who make B. Cums and Sophie’s union sound real dramatic and interesting by saying that it was created by his PR team. Other Cumberbitches also think that Sophie was never pregnant and that their baby probably has Hasbro ™ branded into his body since he’s a doll! B. Cums had a few words to say about his hardcore tinfoil hat-wearing fans and if you’re one of them, get ready to rage-type, “HE READING FROM A SCRIPT!”