One of the more joyous cinematic occurrences in 2018 was in Avengers: Infinity War when Benedict Cumberbatch’s Dr. Strange took a moment between intergalactic super-hero death battles to call Robert Downey Jr.’s Iron Man a “douchebag” to his face. It was entirely accurate and kind of delicious because Dr. Strange is the ever-serious Master of the Mystic Arts and to hear him use common gutter language on that pompous prick Tony Stark was a delight. So Cumberbatch was already officially aces in mine and other people’s minds, and his recent interview with RadioTimes (via Deadline) proved that assessment correct. Cumberbatch revealed that he only takes parts in which his female co-stars make equal pay.
There probably won’t be a season 5 of BBC’s Sherlock because Martin Freeman is a little bitch. Or, Martin doesn’t want to fuck with the show anymore because of the high expectations from rabid Sherlock fans. And you can probably add Benedict Cumberbatch to the list of people who think Martin needs a nappy change. Benedict doesn’t agree with Martin and thinks the fans are A-OK.
Just like Idris Elba before him, Benedict Cumberbatch has gotten together with the fundraising site Omaze to get some money for charity. By donating money to charity, the Cumberbitches will be entered into a drawing where they could win a prize package including airfare to L.A., a fancy hotel stay, tickets to the premiere of Avengers: Infinity War and a tea date with The Alien Lizard King. B. Cums’ people better be making a mental note to cover the floor of the room of his tea date with industrial-strength plastic tarps, because I have a feeling the Cumberbitch who wins is going to squirt out an ocean of crotch curds and whey.
To promote the charity contest, B. Cums did a video where he showed us how to make a perfect cup of hot tea. Now, the way I make a perfect cup of hot tea is to put a couple of spoonfuls of Nestea iced tea powder into a mug full of water and nuke that bitch. But to B. Cums, the perfect way to make a hot cup of tea is to make the tea bag jizz out its natural flavors by talking sexy to it. Thankfully B. Cums stops himself before he pulls out his balls and teabags that teabag.
That video was a mistake, because the Cumberbitch who wins is going to expect him to get into foreplay with his cup of tea in front of her. I can already hear her say, “With one Alien Lizard King hemipenis in it,” when he asks her how she takes her tea.
A couple of years ago cumberbitches were treated to a lecture by reptilian thespian Benedict Cumberbatch about proper theater etiquette after a production of Hamlet at the Barbican Theater in London. Turns out Benny Cucumbers (that’s his mafia nickname, look it up if you don’t believe me) was making a habit out of lecturing theatergoers during that production. According to The Big Issue, Benny often took time after his performances to bring awareness to the European refugee crisis, even going as far as having the ushers pass a bucket to collect money for the cause. And he admits, sometimes he was a bit a of douche about it.
When Benedict Cumberbatch’s wife Sophie let the world know that a second CumberBaby was growing in her womb by showing up to the premiere of Doctor Strange looking slightly bigger in the fetus growing area, the conspiracy theorist branch of the Cumberbitches immediately congratulated the makers of foam baby bumps. Well, the conspiracy theorizing Cumberbitches are now congratulating the makers of the Tiny Tears doll, because The Daily Mail says that Sophie Cumberbatch and B. Cums’ second kid is here.
Here’s some terrible, tragic news for all the Sherlock shippers out there. Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman have appeared in four seasons and a special together as updated versions of Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. There have been plans for a fifth season, although no one knows for sure if that’s going to happen. The Sun seems to think they’ve solved the mystery of the fifth season. It sounds like if it were up to Benedict and Martin, they’d throw that fifth season in a folder marked “Things I’d Rather Not Do.”