And just like that, an enthusiastic Cumberbitch/Furry crossover subculture called Cumberbears was born.
During a recent appearance to promote Black Mass on The Graham Norton Show, Benedict Cumberbatch confirmed what the internet has been saying for years: that he looks like a damn otter. To prove that Benedict is just a few DNA chains short of reaching out to his long-lost cousin Emmet and asking if he can join his jug band this Christmas, a couple pictures of otters were thrown up and Benedict did his best impression of them. To be fair, they might not even have been his best impressions; dude looks so much like a water puppy that even his worst impression would have had the audience screaming “OMG TWINS!!!!”
But the best part, by far, was Johnny Depp’s reaction. Johnny was looking at Benedict in the same profoundly confused way he looks at a bar of soap or a hat without holes; just a whole lot of “the FUCK is this??” Which is so weird, because if anyone on that couch looks like a dead-ringer for a greasy wet otter, it’s Johnny Depp.
And I don’t mean “hit it with splashes of holy water while running to the safe house.”
The trailer for Zoolander 2 came out today and it starts off as a comedy but then turns into a terrifying sci-fi horror show when Benedict Cumberbatch pops up on the screen looking like some kind of creature that slithered out of Snape’s asshole 9 months after that half-blood wizard had bareback fuck times with The Lizard from Spider-Man on the site of a toxic waste dump. If Kendall Jenner uses her family’s plastic surgeon, that’s what she’s going to look like without makeup in 10 years.
B. Cums plays an androgynous supermodel and I don’t even think they used any prosthetics or wigs or anything. B. Cums just shape-shifted into his natural alien lizard form and now we know that his natural alien lizard from looks a melting Tilda Swinton wax figure in low-budget Cher drag. B. Cums as a carved Pete Burns candle isn’t the only terrifying thing in the Zoolander 2 trailer. Kristen Wiig as Donatella Versace’s unremarkable anus is also pretty terrifying.
But B. Cums and Kristen aren’t even the scariest things in that trailer. The most horrifying thing is that they call Justin Bieber, whose death isn’t as perfect as his death in CSI, one of the most beautiful people in the world.
And to answer my headline question, yes, I probably would.
Either Amber Heard temporarily sprained one of her neck muscles from trying so hard while posing (“Amateur!” – Phoebe Price) or her nostrils just got a good whiff of the rank scent of ass jelly, foundation, armpit grease and dick cheddar wafting off of Johnny Depp.
It feels like there’s been 4,927 premieres for Black Mass and there was another one at the BFI London Film Festival last night, because why not? Before she’s found guilty of Yorkie smuggling and gets locked up in an Australian prison cell for 11 years, Amber Heard got in another red carpet posing session with Johnny Depp who once again took himself higher by wearing a pair of gorgeous platform shoes straight out of Tom Cruise’s dream shoe closet.
Before Black Mass even came out, hos predicted that Johnny Depp will probably get an Oscar nomination. At last night’s premiere, Johnny told the BBC that he’ll take that nomination, but he hopes that his name is never called at the Oscars, because he doesn’t want to dribble out a speech.
“I don’t want to win one of those things ever, you know. I don’t want to have to talk. They gave me one of those things, like a nomination, two or three times. A nomination is plenty.
The idea of winning means that you’re in competition with someone and I’m not in competition with anybody. I just stick to my guns and do what I want to do. Sometimes people don’t like it but that’s alright.”
Oh, please. Johnny Depp is busting out some reverse psychology shit on Oscar voters. Of course he wants an Oscar. An Oscar trophy is the ultimate bracelet holder and he doesn’t want to disappoint Amber Heard who has probably spent hours practicing the “sexy but happy” face she’ll make when the cameras are on her during her husband’s speech. I hope that Johnny does get a nomination and I hope he wins and only because I really want to see forever Oscar bridesmaid Leonardo DiCaprio tackle that trick on the stage while screaming, “It’s mine, he said he didn’t want it!”
Here’s more pictures from the Black Mass premiere including some of the Alien Lizard King and Sophie Hunter.
It’s been eleven weeks since Benedict Cumberbatch’s chosen human bride gave birth to the future king of lizards, and now it looks like we might know what name Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter bestowed upon their spawn. Finally, we can all sleep at night!
Benedict and Sophie haven’t said shit about their new baby, because they sort of like privacy (or maybe they’re just waiting for a $2 million check from Lizard People magazine for the ~exclusive~ reveal). But the Daily Mail says they know what Benedict wrote on Baby Cumberbatch’s birth certificate. And that name is: Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch.
“Christopher was the name of the character Benedict played in Sir Tom Stoppard’s TV adaptation of Parade’s End, while Carlton is a family middle name shared by Benedict and his actor father Timothy.”
Again, no one knows for sure if that’s Baby Cumberbatch’s real name, since Benedict and Sophie haven’t confirmed it. So it could be Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch. Or it could be Jaiden Jaxon Camdyn Cumberbatch. Until we see the receipts, let’s just go with Christopher Carlton.
With that being said, I am 100% on board with the name Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch. First, because you can shorten it down to C.C. Cumberbatch, which reminds me of peroxide hair metal legend C.C. DeVille from Poison, and that’s never a bad thing. Second, because he can pretend his parents named him after Carlton Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Third, because Chris Cumberbatch totally sounds like the name of a rich jock from a 1970s slobs vs. snobs college comedy (possible title: Barf Academy II). It really covers all the bases.
Here’s Chris Cumberbatch’s daddy getting mobbed by a rabid army of Cumberbitches after a performance of Hamlet in London last week:
The clit boner-inducer of Tumblr, Bendydick Cumsinsnatches, is playing the title role in a production of Hamlet at the Barbican Centre in London and even though some of the reviews say to skip it, it has already sold out, because Cumberbitches will sell the internal organs of their children to breathe in the same air as their god. But well, apparently some of the Cumberbitches aren’t giving the holy walls of the THI-TURR the respect it deserves and are acting like pieces of trash by taking pictures of The Alien Lizard King while he’s trying to do serious acting stuff.
After many months of gestating in its humanoid growth pod (aka Sophie Hunter’s womb), the intergalactic alien lizard royal baby is here! That loud wailing sound you just heard was either the wails of happiness from the citizens of Benedict Cumberbatch’s home planet or the wails of sorrow from the Cumberbitches. It’s hard to tell them apart – they both sound the same. The Daily Mail says a rep for Benedict Cumberbatch released this statement earlier today confirming that his wife of four months popped out a baby boy.
“Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter are delighted to announce the arrival of their beautiful son. We would kindly ask everyone to respect the family’s privacy during these next few precious weeks.”
“Ha! See how they didn’t specify whether or not it was a human son? I knew it!” said every “Benedict Cumberbatch is an alien disguised as a human” truther.
So far all we know is that Sophie had a baby boy, but that’s about it. No idea on the weight or what he looks like, so until I see a picture, I’m just going to assume he looks like one of Kif Kroker’s babies or that adorable alien squid baby from Men In Black. Also not known is what Benedict and Sophie have named their new baby. Usually this would be where I make a joke about British-sounding baby names, but even “Nigel Fitzcrumpet” is nothing compared to “Benedict Cumberbatch“.
Regardless – congratulations on your new baby, Benedict and Sophie! And to everyone on Benedict’s home planet, congratulations on your future king!
Even though the Valentine’s Day wedding of human-looking alien royalty Benedict Cumberbatch and his knocked-up human girlfriend Sophie Hunter was the intergalactic high society event of the year, no pictures of the event were ever released, which means only the most important of extraterrestrial aristocracy got to see Benedict float down the aisle in his custom-made lizard suit. However, since Sophie is still a human person, she invited VOGUE along with her to one of her gown fittings so us regulars could see what she would look like on her wedding day.
Valentino, the tricks who made her dress, recently revealed a picture of Sophie shot by Annie Leibovitz modeling her wedding gown, and it’s pretty much what I expected Benedict Cumberbatch’s human bride would wear. It’s silver (the official color of martians and flying saucers), it has a swirly design (to mimic the sky above Benedict’s home planet), and it covers 95% of her body (to help protect her human skin from the toxic residue that will rub off on her when she hugs one of Benedict’s relatives).
But now I really want to know what Benedict wore! Did he try to appear human by wearing a boring old tuxedo, or did he bring that X-Files metal examination table unknown species glamour? I guess I’ll just have to wait for this month’s issue of VLORP (alien VOGUE) to arrive in the mail.
Speaking of, here’s Benedict Cumberbatch looking like a real human person while walking to work yesterday morning:
Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com
I’m not all that familiar with intergalactic wedding customs, but it appears aliens might not have the same appreciation for the post-wedding ceremony tradition that we Earthlings call a “honeymoon”. After getting married to his pregnant human bride Sophie Hunter on Saturday (Earth’s Valentine’s Day), Kif Kroker’s fancy actor cousin Benedict Cumberbatch decided to ditch his honeymoon and make an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! instead.
According to Jimmy Kimmel, it sounds like Eggs Benedict had been scheduled to appear on the show long before he decided to make it legal with his knocked up girlfriend, and sometimes you have to make serious sacrifices if you want that Best Actor Oscar. So he called up Death Valley and told them to cancel the hot rock he had reserved for his post-wedding alien lizard love-fest, and hopped on a flight to Los Angeles. Thankfully, Jimmy Kimmel made sure he wouldn’t feel like he was missing out on anything, so he changed the backdrop into something a little more sexy and brought out some piña coladas. “That’s nice, but can we get back to talking about my performance in The Imitation Game? Academy voting ends at midnight” thought Cumberbatch, as he choked down a mouthful of lukewarm coconut jizz.
Jimmy also suggested that Benedict name his future spawn something that starts with the letter Q, so his name will be Q. Cumberbatch. That’s sweet, but Benedict Cumberbatch is an alien masquerading as a very fancy British person, which means he’ll probably go with something that sounds like a traditional family name, like Hinklebottom, St. Octavius Gingernut, or Fitz-Nigel. Or maybe he’ll honor his otter heritage and name it Emmet.
Here’s Benedict and his new wife Sophie looking like members of the Sleestak royal family as they arrived at LAX yesterday:
It’s a dark, dark day for the Cumberbitches today. According to People, Kif Kroker’s cousin Benedict Cumberbatch made it legal with his knocked-up British girlfriend Sophie Hunter after being engaged for 3 months. A Valentine’s Day wedding? How very ‘I’m totally not an alien, I’m a legitimate human being’ of you, Benedict. Only a real human person would get married on Earth’s national love day! Even Smith Comma John is like “Too obvious, man.”
So far, not much is known about Eggs Benedict’s secret wedding, but People says they got married on the Isle of Wight at the parish church of St. Peter and St. Paul. Oooh, two saints? How fancy. Metro UK says his best man was his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman, aka Bilbo Baggins, aka Tim Canterbury from The Office, and that Keira Knightley was one of the guests. No word on whether or not there was a procession of pengwings, but I choose to believe there was.
Eddie Redmayne better watch his back, because there’s only 3 days left before Oscar voting ends, and Benedict is making things happen. He got secret married, and I bet he can get Sophie to go into secret labor next. He’s from outer space, he can do these things! Eddie, you only have 3 days to one-up Benedict; my suggestion is adopting a litter of future seeing-eye puppies or getting knocked-up yourself. I know it’s not technically possible, but do you want the Oscar or not? Make it happen!
Now that he was expected to, but now I fully expect his kind to drop in on Earth from their home planet and terrorize London for snubbing their overlord. Thanks, BAFTAs voters, you just started the Reptilian vs. Human war.
Benedict Cumberbatch and his knocked up fiancee Sophie Hunter slithered on the red carpet on the BAFTAs tonight and I don’t think I’ve noticed this before, but have they always had the same shaped face? Did getting filed up with B. Cums’ alien lizard mating nectar morph her face into the same shape as his or have they both always looked like the come-to-life police sketch of an alien? Oscar voting ends in less than 10 days, so I’m highly disappointed that Sophie Hunter didn’t give birth to their spawn right there on the red carpet as a puppy they both rescued from a fire (for real and not Brian Williams-style) married them. Come on, B. Cums, time is running out and you better start churning out the STUNT QUEEN stunts. Or at least leak career-ruining stories to the media about how Michael Keaton once liked Iggy Azalea’s Facebook page and Eddie Redmyane actually paid to see and enjoyed Mortdecai.
Click here to see the full list of all the hos who won tonight, but if you don’t want to see the full list, here’s the nominees and winners of some of the main categories.
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything
OUTSTANDING BRITISH FILM
The Theory of Everything
The Imitation Game
Under the Skin
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Ralph Fiennes, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Amy Adams, Big Eyes
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Boyhood, Richard Linklater
Birdman, Alejandro G. Inarritu
The Grand Budapest Hotel, Wes Anderson
The Theory of Everything, James Marsh
Whiplash, Damien Chazelle
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Edward Norton, Birdman
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Emma Stone, Birdman
Imelda Staunton, Pride
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Rene Russo, Nightcrawler
Do we even need to bother with the Oscars at this point? I’d bet my beat down asshole on Julianne Moore, J.K. Simmons and Patricia Arquette getting trophies. Can’t they just skip all the speeches and handing out of awards and instead air a documentary on the life of Dick Poop?
Here’s more pictures from tonight including some of Michael Keaton, Keira Knightley and Laura Jeanne Poon. I kind of want the Bobbies to fuck with Laura Jeanne Poon after one of the BAFTA after-parties, because I’m wondering what she’d yell at police if she couldn’t yell, “I’M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN ON AMERICAN SOIL!”