“I won’t be coming in today, because I prolapsed last night and have to spend my day trying to shove everything back up in there” is the line that thousands of office managers heard on their voicemails this morning from the Cumberbitches who watched their amphibian alien sex god on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night.
On JKL last night, Benedict Cumberbatch (that’s my favorite thing to order at brunch!) put the cum in Cumberbatch and gave all of his fangirls a Cumberboner when he did a dramatic reading of R. Kelly’s “Genius.” If R. Kelly’s lyrics are blood and Cumberbatch’s voice is a peen, then together they created a rock hard boner that fucked everybody’s ear holes. If you’re not a bareback slut when it comes to ear sex, put a condom over your speakers before pressing play.
And if Bendydick Cumsinbatches is the R. Kelly of fancy British movie actors (“I’d let him cumberpiss on me.” – some sucio Cumberslut), then who is the Lady CaCa of fancy British movie actresses? Let’s just say it’s Helena Bonham Carter, because my ears really need a cover of “Do What U Want” by her and this distinguished lizard martian.
Last night, the premiere of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (a word I’ve been pronouncing as ‘smoog’) was held in Hollywood and it brought out lots of handsome older-types in suits, including the most handsome and suit-y of them all, Benedict Cumberbatch. It couldn’t possibly have gotten any more swoony at The Hobbit premiere after Benedict (they don’t call his eyes ‘The panty droppers‘ for nothing. Yeah, I know, no one calls them that) but then – BAM – James Maslow walked in and done changed the motherfuckin’ game:
TAKE A LAP, CUMBERBATCH. What I’ve gleaned from his IMDB is that he played “James Diamond” (that is THE HOTTEST name in the game) on a Nickelodeon show called Big Time Rush, he used to have serious Justin Bieber hair, aaaaand that’s about it. James Maslow doesn’t play a character in The Hobbit and he didn’t write or sing a song for The Hobbit, so there is literally no reason for him to be at this premiere, but I DO NOT CARE; as long as he brings that Maybe it’s Maybelline face, he can show up at whatever damn premiere he likes. That stunning hair and perfect nose makes him look like a come-to-life Ken doll. Actually, he looks exactly like a doll I named “Brock Lockheart”; he was the ‘special friend’ my Ken doll would bring to dinner at Barbie’s house (and yes, Brock was a model/marine biologist).
Here’s more of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug premiere. I know a handful of big-time nerds and they would be pissed if I didn’t mention everyone’s name (“ALL THE HOBBITS ARE AS IMPORTANT AS FRODO!!” – said as cosplay tights are being pulled up under an Aragorn costume). So here is Benedict Cumberbatch (he voices a dragon named “Smaug”, which sounds like something a stoner came up with), Martin Freeman (Tim from The Office), Orlando Bloom (still hot, would do), Stephen Fry (same), James Maslow, Sean Astin, Manu Bennet (who looks like if John Stamos had a younger half-brother who was really into UFC) Evangeline Lilly (who’s hair has looked better), Peter Jackson, Luke Evans, and Ed Sheeran (Ed looks sleepy because he probably just came from a PJs n’ Popcorn Party at Tay-tay’s house).
(Pics via Splash)
To promote that WikiLeaks movie The Fifth Estate, Bendadick Cumsinasses did a Reddit AMA today. I don’t think anybody asked Benadryl Cucumberpatch when he’s going to shed his human skin and reveal himself as a reptilian king who has come to Earth to capture us all and take us back to his home planet where we’ll become food to his kind. But somebody did ask him this:
Do you, Matt Smith, and Tom Hiddleston have cheek bone polishing parties?
A flood of nerd panty pudding drowned Tumblr after he answered with this:
We like nothing better than buffing our Zygoma. And imagining a horny time traveling long overcoat purple scarf wearing super sleuth nordic legend fuck fantasy. Get to work on that, internet.
And as you can tell from that fan art above, the Internet has already worked that image over. I haven’t checked yet, but I’m pretty sure the thought of Dr. Who, Sherlock and Loki lubing each other’s cheekbones has broken Tumblr forever. RIP Tumblr!
Here’s Bennigan Comboverhatch outside of GMA in NYC today.
The Oscars are a million months away, but Brad Pitt has already started Googling the question “What is the easiest way to turn an Oscar statue into a bong?” because everyone’s saying that he could have his fingers around one next year. No, he’s not going to get one for acting. Are you bitches crazy? Brad Pitt is one of the producers of 12 Years A Slave (not to be confused with the title of Bruce Jenner’s upcoming memoirs, 22 Years A Slave), which everyone is freaking out about. Audiences threw Oscar statues at it when it screened at the Telluride Film Festival last week, and it got a standing ovation at the Toronto International Film Festival last night. Vulture and others think that it will win Best Picture and if it does Brad will finally get his Oscar bong!
In 12 Years A Slave, Chiwetel Ejiofor plays a free man who is kidnapped in DC and sold as a slave to a real vicious cuntbag of a Louisiana plantation owner played by Michael Fassbender. Director Steve McQueen, who also directed Shame, directs a cast that also includes Bendadick Cumsinbatches, Brad Pitt, Alfre Woodard, Paul Dano, Paul Giamatti, Sarah Paulson, Lupita Nyong’o and Quvenzhané Wallis. They’re saying Oscar noms will go to Steve McQueen for Best Director, Chiwetel for Best Actor and Michael Assbender for Best Supporting Actor. Here’s the trailer:
And here’s the cast at the Toronto International Film Festival last night. Brad is giving me shades of current day Val Kilmer, but at least he shaved that wolfey butt bush off his face.
Tumblr’s sweetheart and the humanized eel in a curly wig Bendadick Cumsinbatches wasn’t at Comic-Con over the weekend, because he was in Ibiza sentencing his two friends to a lifetime of being together. Benedict got ordained (aka filled out a form on the Universal Life Church Monastery’s website) and officiated the wedding of his friends Seth Cummings and Rob Rinder. Before he married the two, Benedict offered his services to everyone:
“It’s a very private, lovely thing to be asked to do. Of course I’m going to make a joke after it if it goes well — ‘I do weddings. Next will be children’s parties and bat mitzvahs’. It’s a mainly Jewish and gay audience so hopefully they will be lenient towards me.”
A friend of the couple shared some pictures of their wedding on Facebook and am I drunk or does Benedict’s torso look like the face of an indifferent salmon? And getting married on a cliff is not only pretty, but it’s smart too. The piece you’re marrying won’t try to back out at the last second, because if they do, you can push their ass.
Or are those jean capris (JAPRIS)?
Here’s Bendadick Cumsinbatches giving us the “otter making the Scream” face while posing next to a race car driver (in one of Daft Punk’s summer ensembles) in a promo pic for tonight’s Top Gear. I don’t know why, but so many of you hos ask me to post more about Benadryl Cucumberpatch. True story. One time, I was eating an English muffin, salami and extra mayonnaise sandwich (because I’m gourmet like that) and a reader emailed me to ask me to please post more about Benefiber Cummerbund, because she said he makes her muffin cream. Just as I read that, I squeezed the two English muffins and out trickled mayonnaise. Every time I eat an English muffin and mayo sandwich (which is all the time obviously), I think of a muffin creaming over Betadine Comboversnatch.
So here’s BC doing the Daisy Duck lift while wearing my mom’s favorite grocery shopping ensemble. May the muffins cream as I eat my English muffin and mayo sandwich.
So, Bendadick Cumsbitches supposedly said this to The Mirror (I know, I know) about his childhood vacation to Greece:
“I used to expose myself in front of religious places.”
CHECK PLEASE! And he goes on:
“I was a very hot, bored boy and was surrounded by people who were older than me who were goading me. So when they got bored or the football went through a stain-glassed window – not to be returned – they’d always get me to do pranks. So one day they said, ‘Go on, go on, go on. Pull your pants down!’ Of course I did. I obliged willingly, no pun intended.”
And now the Catholic Church is going to use all of their donation money to build a time machine so they can go back to the past and invite Beneful Cummerbunds to play football at Vatican City.
In Star Trek: Into Darkness, there’s a scene where Alice Eve is in her bra and chonies for basically no reason (correction: she’s in her bra and chonies to give the fanboys and fanlezzies something to fap to) and J.J. Abrams got a little hate for it. So on Conan tonight, J.J. explained himself a bit and then he showed a deleted scene of Benadryl Cumsinbatches in the shower.
Thousands of Cumberbitches are going to call in sick, because it’s kind of hard to go to work when your ovary eggs keep exploding out of your vagine. I know, he’s supposed to look all evil in that shower, but to me, he looks like he’s either concentrating really hard while sexing himself or he’s drunk and trying to pee. We’ve all been there.
No, this isn’t Lucius Malfoy’s emotionally damaged drifter younger brother who has repeatedly been arrested for jacking off into coin slots of pay phones and who’s been kicked out of Macy’s for oinking at women as they change in the dressing room. This is Benedict Cumberbatch as Wikileaks founder and alleged rapist Julian Assange in the movie The Fifth Estate, which also stars Daniel Brühl (below), Laura Linney and Anthony Mackie.
The things that Slytherin bob are doing to his face. Looking at that picture is making me want to file a police report and scrub my skin with a Chore Boy. And that’s exactly how I feel when I look at a picture of Julian Assange, so Bennigans Cumcatcher totally nailed it!
And no, I would not hit it. I can’t even fap to it and that’s saying EVERYTHING.
Liv Tyler left the Arclight movie theater in L.A. last night with Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch aka Sherlock from the BBC Sherlock aka the long-suffering rich bitch who regularly speaks out about the plight of the wealthy aka the star of Otters Who Look Like Benedict Cumberbatch.
Liv Tyler was in Lord of the Rings and Benedict does the voice for Smaug the Dragon in The Hobbit, so if they are bumping nipples, this shit is like some bizarre Tolkien fanfic porn. They could be just friends, but if they aren’t, I could see why Liv would want to wrap her legs around Benedict Cumsinbatches’ neck.
To me, Benedict sort of looks like a komodo dragon who disguised itself as a prairie dog and acts like a prairie dog to trick real prairie dogs into trusting it. Benedict even does the same facial expression prairie dogs do when they sense that danger is coming. So when/if Benedict goes down on Liv and he lifts his head up to see if she’s into it, he probably looks like an adorable prairie dog looking to see if the coast is clear. A prairie dog sticking its head out of a hole is my favorite thing to see at the zoo! And Liv gets to see that every time Benedict eats her out. I bet she even throws dead grasshoppers at him when he does a good job. Lucky bitch.