“Now? What do you mean, now?” thought everyone who has ever uttered the words “Damn, daddy” while watching Joseph Gordon-Levitt bump and grind on SNL (shamefully raises hand).
Eight months after Tommy Solomon from 3rd Rock from the Sun got secret married to his non-famous girlfriend Tasha McCauley, UsWeekly (via Daily Mail) is saying that they’ve gone ahead and had a secret baby. Look at that! A Hollywood-ish couple who didn’t run straight to their publicist 0.3 seconds after the plus sign appeared on the piss stick. Crazy.
JoGo and his normal person wife haven’t announced to anyone that they’re parents, because they’re sort of into that whole “having a private life” thing (“Ew gross why” hissed Kim Kardashian, who is no doubt on her 11,294th please pay attention to me pregnancy selfie of the day), But his rep claims that yes, he’s a daddy. An insider says Tasha birthed out a boy, and that “everyone’s happy and healthy.”
We’ll probably never know anything else about Baby Gordon-Levitt, but I’m still going to guess his name. Hey, we might find that out. It’s probably something totally normal, like Kevin. Just Kevin. With that being said, if they want their kid’s identity to remain a secret, then I don’t advise they ever take Baby Question Mark to one of the old Chuck E. Cheese’s that still have the creepy animatronic animal band. It doesn’t matter how many times you tell them you don’t want them to scream out your name while singing “Happy Birthday“, they’ll still do it. That shady rat is loyal to no one.
And had a baby!
Zooey Deschanel, the gingerbread lady cookie who was brought to life by a good witch who felt like the world needed more twee in it, has given birth and surprisingly she didn’t give birth to a crotchet Santa Claus doll that winks when you pull its right arm down. Zooey gave birth to a human baby. Page Six says that sometime last week, Zooey picked up her iPhone and asked, “Siri, is that rain or did my water just break?”, and after Siri let her know that her water just broke, she shuffled off to the barn to give birth amongst a family of lambs while her midwife softly hummed an old Hawaiian folksong.
Zooey’s rep says that her new baby friend is a girl and we don’t know the adorkababy’s name yet. Back in January, Allison guessed that Zooey would name her baby Sugar Ribbon, but I’m going to go with something more old-timey like Eunice Amaryllis or Swanhilde Ukelina. Zooey gave birth in Austin, Texas where her baby father and brand new husband, movie producer Jacob Pechenik, lives.
Page Six says that Zooey and Jacob also got secret married. If you’re wondering what Zooey’s wedding looked like, just search “Anthropologie weddings” on Pinterest and you’ll get your answer.
That is so like Zooey Deschanel. While everybody ends their marriage, she starts a new one. Getting divorced is so fucking mainstream right now. When all the famous hos get married in a few months, remind yourself that Zooey did it way before everybody else.
Ashlee Simpson, the former Limited Too version of Avril Lavigne and current person with one too many Es in their first name who is married to Evan Ross, gave birth to her second baby a couple days ago. At the time, Michael K guessed that the name written on Baby Ross’ birth certificate was “Queens Rikki-Tikki Ross“, which was both 100% absurd and 100% totally plausible, because = Ashlee Simpson’s past history of naming children. And I’m pleased to announce that yes, Ashlee and Evan brought eight layers of baby name nonsense to their baby’s birth certificate.
UsWeekly says that Ashlee announced the name of Diana Ross’ newest grandbaby on Instagram yesterday. Wait, on Instagram? For free? Ashlee, girl, are you feeling OK? Ashlee and Evan must be huge Rolling Stones fans, because how else do you explain this:
Jagger Snow Ross. I…am not sure. For one thing, poor Jagger is in for a lifetime of “Jagger? I hardly know ‘er!” jokes. Secondly, that middle name is going to require a lot of explanation. Is it Snow because it snowing on the day she was born? No, because she was born in July. Is it Snow because Evan wanted to pay tribute to the man responsible for “Informer“? No, because that would be an instant trigger for neurologists everywhere to call up Ashlee Simpson and inform her that her husband has clearly lost his damn mind.
Maybe it’s because I’m from Canada, but Jagger, Snow, & Ross totally sounds like a personal injury lawyer who specializes in snowmobile accidents. “Side-swiped a moose? Ran over a hidden mailbox? Call Jagger, Snow, & Ross at 1-888-SORRY-EH.”
The Simpson and Ross families are now bound together forever. This is the world we live in.
Ashlee Simpson must have been doing her latest pregnancy the Jessica Simpson way, because it felt like that baby was holed up in her womb for years. People says that baby finally decided to come out yesterday and remind Ashlee Simpson what her born nose looked like. Ashlee and her husband of almost a year Evan Ross (government name: Evan Olav Næss) are now parents to a baby girl. This baby is Ashlee’s second, Evan Ross’ first and Miss Ross’ third grandchild. There aren’t many details (and I know that gave you the frowns since you truly care about Ashlee Simpson’s life), but a source did tell People* that Ashlee was suffering from a case of acid-reflux, so she had to lip-synch all her screams and moans during labor.
We don’t know the baby’s name, because I’m sure Ashlee hasn’t found a tabloid who will pay for that news yet.
As all of us who keep up with fucked-up celebrity child names know, Ashlee and Pete Wentz named their now 6-year-old son Bronx Mowgli Wentz (BMW). So I hope Ashlee keeps with the whole “NYC borough, Rudyard Kipling character” theme by naming their daughter Queens Rikki-Tikki Ross.
Here’s Ashlee and Evan at Bed, Bath and Beyond a few days ago.
* That’s a lie.
There’s been so much shitty and depressing news around here that we really needed some uplifting news that will give us hope for our future, and leave it to CoCo and Ice-T to give us that. The undisputed Empress of the Camel Toe has announced that growing in her pink rhinestone-encrusted womb is the heir to her and Ice-T’s kingdom of demure elegance. 36-year-old CoCo is pregnant with the baby she made with her 57-year-old husband of 14 years Ice-T. This will be CoCo’s first child and Ice-T already has two grown kids and a 20-year-old grandson (who is currently facing manslaughter charges). It is a good day when we find out that CoCo will teach another human her ways.
While taping her new talk show with Ice-T on Friday, CoCo told the audience that in a few months, her crown jewel of a vagina will release a bundle of preciousness that is more valuable than the cloud of diamond dust she usually queefs out. For those of us who weren’t lucky enough to be at her show’s taping on Friday, CoCo tweeted the news this morning while pushing the premiere date of her new show.
I'm pregnant!!! Yah!! Ice & I are so excited! I announced it Friday on our new talkshow which airs Aug 3rd. pic.twitter.com/CYVHKD5yud
— Coco (@cocosworld) July 27, 2015
With this pregnancy, CoCo is going to clench her title as the undisputed camel toe champion. When she steps out in maternity Spandex leggings, her crotch is going to look like an entire nail salon for camels. CoCo’s pregnant camel toe is going to shut down all camel toes.
And as for the baby’s name…..
Since CoCo and Ice-T both have names that can be found on a Starbucks menu, I’m hoping that they name their little baby friend Chai Latte T.
In California, it’s illegal to use newborns younger than 15 days old for any kind of TV or movie shoot. Babies who are between the ages of 16 days and 6 months can be used but only for 20 minutes a day. If there wasn’t a law, Michelle Duggar would have moved to California a long time ago and opened up a newborn acting agency in her twat. But in South Africa, where Sean Penn is directing a movie, there are no laws like that and a newborn baby can go directly from the womb to the makeup chair on a film set.
Deadline says that the hairy Craisin is currently in Cape Town doing reshoots for a movie called The Last Face (Side note: That face above might’ve been the last face you’ve seen, because there’s a good chance his piping hot skin burned your retinas). In the movie, Sean’s ex-piece Charlize Theron and Javier Bardem play doctors who are doing humanitarian relief work amidst a political/social revolution in Africa. Adèle Exarchopoulos and Jean Reno also star, and soon a 10-second-old baby will also join the cast.
Production recently put out a casting call for a pregnant black woman who is due to give birth any second now. If you’re a pregnant black woman in Cape Town who wants her newborn to be in a Sean Penn movie, but you’re going into labor right now, you better cross your legs tight and keep that baby up in there for another day. (Tip: Keep a picture of Jim Bob Duggar at the foot of your cooch and your baby will crawl up the other way real fast.) Production needs a baby that is coming into this world on either Saturday or Sunday. The baby will make $120 a day and may have to work for 2 days. Here’s the WTF notice they put out:
They should pay that baby more than $120 a day. That child is going to need some extra money to pay for all the therapy they’ll have to get from staring at Sean Penn’s George Hamilton nutsack face during the first few days of their life. I was going to say that Sean should rewrite the role and get Clint Eastwood to send him over the American Sniper fake baby, but that won’t work. The American Sniper fake baby is more famous than everyone in that movie and there’s no way Sean can afford its day rate.
Here’s Charlize working Heidi braids at the L.A. premiere of the straight-to-DirecTV movie Dark Places.
Kandi Burruss, one of the only ones on The Real Housewives of Atlanta who has at least an ounce of reason in her brain, is growing a fetus in her kandi-koated uterus. Kandi and her gold digging husband Todd Tucker (copyright: Mama Joyce) announced that she’s pregnant with their first baby together. I’m sure that as soon as Todd’s elf nut knocked Kandi up, Andy Cohen magically appeared in a cloud of smoke and in his hand was a contract for their now show, “Kandi’s Having A Baby.”
Kandi has a 12-year-old daughter named Riley and Todd has an 18-year-old-ish daughter named Kaela. Kandi and Todd gave the news to E! News:
“We’re so thrilled to announce the news of our bundle of joy, it’s a dream come true. Our daughters, Kaela and Riley, couldn’t be happier about becoming big sisters.”
But what does Mama Joyce have to say? That’s what I want to know. I can already see Mama Joyce throwing that baby a, “Kandi could’ve bought me a new toaster oven instead of buying you that toy,” look while watching them play. That baby better learn how to behave real fast, because anybody who watches that show knows that Mama Joyce is an abuelita who doesn’t play around and has a black belt in
chancleta shoe wielding.
It hasn’t even been a full day since the Duke and Duchess of Country (Billy Ray Cyrus and his Taco Party Pack will always be the King and Queen of Country to me) got divorced and a wave of stories about their break-up has already flooded the Internet. (“So you mean to tell me that I didn’t have to do that stupid photo-op with that damn mutt, because everybody is busy talking about Blake and Miranda? Dammit Jen!” – Ben Affleck) So far, the stories are conflicting as shit and some say Miranda Lambert wanted babies, others say she didn’t want babies and another says that she was Ashley Madison-ing through her marriage by cheating on her husband. Meanwhile, Blake Shelton is a monogamous angel whose dick only has eye for his wife’s punane. Of course.
36-year-old Jaime King, the sometime actress and full-time den mother to Taylor Swift’s sugar cookie girl gang of teenagers and 20-something fetuses, gave birth to a baby boy who will probably be known as “OHMYGODYOURETAYLORSWIFTSGODCHILD” for a while. Jaime’s second kid was pulled out of her body on July 16th, but she announced the birth of Taylor’s godson on Instagram today. Jaime posted that weird picture along with this caption:
We are SO happy to welcome to the world our new baby boy! Born Thursday, July 16th! Xx
Yup, they all look pretty happy about it. Jaime gazes at her 39-year-old husband Kyle Newman while he plays a thrilling game of Candy Crush and her other son James pretends like his world is riveted by whatever he’s holding because he really doesn’t want to hear his mom go on about how perfect of a person Taylor is again. That bizarre picture is also some Where’s Waldo shit, because I had to squint my eyes and rotate my head to find her new kid in that picture. I still don’t know. Is baby suckling on her tete or is hiding under that pile of blankets while holding his ears because he too is afraid his mom is going to go on about how perfect of a person Taylor is again.
Jaime and Kyle haven’t said what they named their son, because you can’t give it all away in one Instagram post. But it’s not hard to figure out. It’s either going to be Taylor, Taylor Jr., Tay, Rolyat, 1989 or TIG (short for Taylor Is God). Speaking of, if there is a God and that God’s drug is watching Taylor Swift scream internally, then her godson’s first words will be, “I love Katy Perry.”
Seen above with one of his One Direction bandmates (I think that one is Niall, but I’m not sure), Louis Tomlinson has shocked the world by proving that not only is he old enough to make baby batter, but he actually used that baby batter to make a fetus. Those pop yodeling toddlers grow up so fast!
The Directioners are still numb and on edge from the pretty-faced one leaving the group and now they have to deal with Louis putting a fetus in a body that doesn’t belong to them. One Direction’s management must secretly own stock in the company that makes Valium, because the Directioners are probably shoveling that shit into their mouths to deal with all the madness. People EXCLUSIVELY tells us that 23-year-old Louis and his 23-year-old L.A.-based stylist “friend” Briana Jungwirth are having a baby together. They dated for a little while, but they’re not together anymore. A source says they’re very, very close. So close that he busted a fetus-making nut into her.
“Louis is happy and very excited about becoming a dad and he thinks Briana will be an amazing mother. It was a surprise at first, but he and Briana are very, very close friends and this has brought them even closer.”
The source says that the first One Direction baby is coming next year. Louis, who broke up with his girlfriend Eleanor Calder in March, plans to buy a house in L.A. so he can be close to his kid. If you’re wondering with this Briana chick looks like, here you go:
— People magazine (@people) July 14, 2015
Of course some of the Directioners (see: People’s comments) are already calling her a scheming gold digging harlot whore who obviously tricked Louis into knocking her up. A rep for One Direction hasn’t commented about this yet and probably because they’re too busy consoling a confused Louis who keeps saying, “But I thought babies came from the stork,” over and over again.
And I guess this means it’s the end of Larry Stylinson. Unless…Briana is merely Larry’s surrogate and Larry is more alive than ever. Yeah, that’s it!