And in the bathroom at People magazine’s offices, a bunch of editors and publicists are all sitting on the floor and sharing a giant bowl of uncooked cookie dough while silently weeping over the fact that George and Amal Clooney have completely rejected them and gave the news of their unborn twins to somebody else. I am 2,700 miles away from People’s headquarters, but if I listen closely, I can hear the song All By Myself blaring from their office speakers. Scooped by The Fucking Talk!
Last month, a Lebanese newspaper reported that family sources told them that growing in Amal’s womb are a double set of Clooneys. They got it right and on today’s episode of The Talk, Julie Chen confirmed it. All of us should make sure that our end-of-the-world bunkers are fully stocked with the three essential Ps (porn, Pinot and pork rinds), because 55-year-old George Clooney is going to be a father to twins. 39-year-old Amal is due this June.
— The Talk (@TheTalkCBS) February 9, 2017
Beyonce is having twins. Madonna adopted twins. Pharrell Williams’ wife gave birth to triplets. Multiples are so NOW. There must be something in the water (and that something may be IVF.) Every hospital nursery in the Calabasas area better go on high alert. Because Pimp Mama Kris may try to outdo everyone and will troll nurseries for four newborns who can fit up into one of her hos.
And here’s pictures from late last month of Amal throwing a “Get ready for bump watch, bitches” look at the paparazzi while leaving LAX.
Well what do you know. It turns out Madonna was actually snooping around Malawi for a new set of kids to bring into her life.
Reuters reports that this morning, Malawi’s high court approved Madonna’s request to adopt four-year-old twin girls, Esther and Stella Mwalea. A spokesperson for Malawi’s judiciary says that Madonna was in the courtroom Tuesday when the decision was made. Esther and Stella have reportedly been living together in a Malawi orphanage for two years. The Daily Mail seems to think Madonna and Esther and Stella will all leave for New York within the next 24 hours on a private jet.
On Saturday, 38-year-old Chelsea Peretti (Gina Linetti from Brooklyn Nine-Nine) announced that she’s pregnant in a pretty obvious way. Chelsea Instagrammed a picture of herself looking several months knocked up with a baby she made with her 37-year-old husband Jordan Peele. She captioned the photo: “beyonce schmonce.” It was very kind of Chelsea to give Beyonce many days worth of baby announcement attention before yanking the spotlight away like that.
Chelsea has also been hiding her pregnancy for the past couple months and probably because she’s private like that. When Chelsea and Jordan got married earlier last year, they did it in secret and their only witness was their dog.
This will be both Chelsea and Jordan’s first kid. The pun-loving middle-aged mom in me really wants to make a joke about how they should totally name their baby Orange. But really, Orange Peele sounds like a perfect name for a Florida drag queen, and that automatically classifies it as a good name.
Chelsea Peretti’s pregnancy announcement does more than just let people know she’s knocked up; it also shows that she’s absolutely nothing like her character on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. If Gina Linetti wanted to let everyone know she was pregnant, she too would have referenced Beyonce. But it wouldn’t have been via a two-word selfie caption. She would have recreated Beyonce’s pregnancy shoot by having Scully and Hitchcock take a red car from the impound lot and stuff it full of parking tickets folded into flowers.
If you’re in the stained glass industry, then cancel all of the social shit you’ve got planned for the next month. Because every member of the Beyhive is going to order a stained glass version of that picture to put in their Church of Beyonce (read: the bedroom that belonged to their kid before they made that child sleep on the pullout sofa to make way for a praying place devoted to their God!!!!!).
Beyonce announced on Instagram that growing in her holy womb are twins that I’m hoping she and Jay-Z will name Chartreuse Marijuana and Periwinkle Fern. Along with that hilarious and extra “Mary-themed America’s Next Top Model photo shoot” portrait, the holy mother of the world added this note:
We would like to share our love and happiness. We have been blessed two times over. We are incredibly grateful that our family will be growing by two, and we thank you for your well wishes. – The Carters
As the Beyhive leaves their jobs early to go home to carve two tiny new chosen ones for their Beytivity scene, I’m sure conspiracy theorists are running their magnifying glasses over that picture to look for evidence of Photoshop trickery. Once they’re done with that, they’ll call every Michael’s to find out if the Illuminati recently bought an entire fake flowers section. And now that I look at that picture closely, it sort of looks like Solange in a wig and green curtain sheer after shoveling six enchiladas from Rubio’s into her mouth. Caught!
And Mama Tina better get to making two floral headbands out of those fake flowers, because Beyonce is totally going to birth out her twins on stage at Coachella.
Back in September, it was reported that Pharrell Williams was going to be a daddy for the second time. As it turns out, that report was incorrect. Vanity Fair says he recently became a daddy for the second, third, and fourth time. Pharrell’s wife Helen Lasichanh gave birth to triplets. Triplets! Poor Helen’s uterus. I bet every time Pharrell started singing Happy, her max-capacity uterus was like “Happy? Speak for yourself. I’m like a damn Puppy Surprise over here.”
Pharrell’s rep tells Vanity Fair that Helen gave birth to their three-pack of babies earlier this month. His rep wouldn’t say anything else, like what they had, what they named them, or if they use Pharrell’s giant hat to carry them all around the house. Pharrell and Helen’s three new babies join their 8-year-old son Rocket.
That picture of Pharrell and Helen strolling out of Barneys was taken at the end of December, which means that’s what Helen looked like just a couple weeks before giving birth to triplets. I’ve never had one baby, let alone three, but I feel like I would look like hot death farted in that final month. Helen looks totally normal. Present-day Helen, on the other hand, is probably looking back on that time like “LOL remember when I used to go places and didn’t have three kids attached to me?” Actually, now that I think about it, this might be the first year Pharrell actually ages in the face. Non-stop exposure to three tiny screaming, wet-pooping infants will do that to a person.
Which of course means it’s only a matter of time before the dramatic custody battle begins. But for now let’s just enjoy this simple moment in between when nothing dramatic or awful is happening. Keshia Knight Pulliam announced yesterday on Instagram that she gave birth to the baby girl she made with her soon-to-be ex-husband Ed Hartwell. Keshia named her new baby the same thing that 98% of your friends from Facebook named their daughter, which is Ella Grace.
Ed Hartwell has remained social media silent on the birth of his daughter. Although that’s not a huge shock. A week after Keshia announced she was knocked up, Ed filed for divorce and demanded a paternity test. Keshia responded by swearing to Entertainment Tonight that the only person who cheated during their six-month marriage was Ed. She then accused Ed of plotting against her baby and attempting to trigger a miscarriage (something Ed denied while also calling Keshia a money-grabbing stunt queen).
That’s a whole lot of MESS to pack into nine months. I can only imagine what Keshia and Ed will be able to do with eighteen years. Ed will start by demanding a second opinion on that paternity test as his family and ex-wife continue to hiss at Keshia on social media. Keshia will respond by running to the media and accusing Ed of something diabolical, like attempting to make his child support payments in pennies. And while they’re doing that, Baby Ella Grace will be flipping through pictures of people from Keshia’s past with the hope that one of them might temporarily adopt her until her parents figure their shit out. “Hmmm…definitely not that creepy old guy, not that lady either. I’m thinking Lisa Bonet. She seems cool.”