Category: BABIES!!!

Kensington Palace Says That Duchess Kate Will Birth Out Her Second Fancy Royal Baby Sometime In April

October 20, 2014 / Posted by:

I’m not sure what Prince Harry, Duchess Kate, and Prince William are looking at in this picture, but whatever it is, it’s giving them the same glazed-over look in their eyes I get when I look at a picture of the Royal Family that doesn’t include Baby Prince George or The Queen’s loyal army of corgis, aka the REAL STAHS of that family. Maybe I’ll Photoshop a corgi perching on Prince William’s shoulder (like a pirate with a parrot) later.

Speaking of Baby Prince George, he only has about 5 months left of struttin’ around the house like he owns the place (even though he technically owns the place). The Telegraph says that Kensington Palace has confirmed that Duchess Kate’s second FRF (fancy royal fetus) is due sometime in April. They also said she still has a case of the sicks, but she’s hurling a lot less than she was in the beginning of her pregnancy. Less hurling? Party on, Kate!

The arrival of Duchess Kate’s FRF in April means there’s a 1 in 30 chance it could be born on either The Queen’s 89th birthday (April 21st) or Kate and William’s 4th wedding anniversary (April 29th). Sorry, did I say 1 in 30? I meant a snowball’s chance in hell, cause ain’t no fancy royal baby stealing The Queen’s thunder on her own birthday! I bet The Queen has instructed her thuggiest corgi to make sure Kate doesn’t go into labor anywhere near April 21st by crawling up the royal cooch and telling that baby to stay put or else. But if by some unholy miracle the baby is born on The Queen’s birthday, she can always use her Queenly powers to change the hour of the baby’s birth into a new day, like April 21.5 or April-ish. Problem solved!

Jude Law Is Going To Be A Father For The Fifth Time

October 16, 2014 / Posted by:

I don’t know if that’s his jizz face or if that’s the face he makes every time he finds out he’ll have to write another child support check every month.

Condoms: Jude Law still doesn’t know how they work. Because Jude’s rep tells People that he one again bareback boned a baby into a woman’s uterus. Soon a fifth child will stare up at his shiny Tetris hairline and call him daddy. The latest member of The Jude Law Baby Mother Club is a woman named Catherine Harding and she and Jude might’ve had on of those “Um, not only did you leave your toothbrush at my apartment, but you left a baby in me too,” conversations after they broke up. Because they’re no longer a thing. Jude’s spokeswhore gave this statement to People:

“I can confirm that Jude Law and Catherine Harding are expecting a child together in the spring. Whilst they are no longer in a relationship, they are both wholeheartedly committed to raising their child. They consider this a private matter and other than this confirmation no statement will be made. I ask that you respect the privacy of all parties involved and their families.”

Jude and his ex-wife Sadie Frost have three kids together: 18-year-old Rafferty, 12-year-old Rudy and 13-year-old Iris. Jude also made a daughter named Sophia with model type Samantha Burke 5 years ago. Samantha was apparently a two-night stand and Jude found out long after they stopped talking that she was knocked up. So basically, Jude Law sucks at the whole “hit it and quit it” thing.

And Hugh Grant, you’ve been challenged.

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Demi Moore Met Ashton Kutcher’s Baby At A Kabbalah Blessing, Didn’t Suck The Kid’s Soul Out With Her Eyes (Yet)

October 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Oh, to be a fly on Rumer Willis’ chin when Demi Moore pretended to play happy with her cheating ass tampon of a husband and his perfect little family while fighting the urge to stick the spigot from her wine purse into her mouth hole and guzzle until the feelings were no longer.

I guess Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher decided to share joint custody of Kabbalah, because they’re both still Kabbalists and they recently reunited for Wyatt Isabelle Kutcher’s blessing at a temple in L.A. The second most reputable and trustworthy literary journal in Britain, The Sun (via thee most reputable and trustworthy literary journal in Britain, The Daily Mail), says that Demi and two of the Tater Sisters, Rumer and Tallulah, showed up with gifts (a really practical cashmere baby blanket and an engraved picture frame) for Baby WIK (which sounds like food stamps for Kardashians). Since Baby WIK is the new Kabbalah chosen one, it was probably a lot like when the Three Kings brought gifts to the baby Jesus. But instead of being Three Kings, Demi, Rumer and Tallulah are Three Messes who are about as wise as the bottle of gin Demi finished off in the parking lot. It was probably really awkward for Mila when her baby started getting thirsty while staring at the Three Messes with their free nipples hanging out.

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Girls Gone Wild Creator Joe Francis Is Now A Father To A Set Of Twin Girls

October 8, 2014 / Posted by:

I bet the hospital doesn’t even require fathers to wear the mask; they just gave it to him to limit the number of toxic douche germs that exit his mouth when he talks. It is a hospital, after all. Gotta keep that shit clean.

UsWeekly says it’s time for us to pop a bottle of champagne and flash our tits for some celebratory beads, because the human drug-resistant UTI that is Joe Francis is now somebody’s daddy, and not in the gross “Who’s your daddy?” way. Joe’s bobo Amy Smart-looking girlfriend and former Girl Gone Wild Abbey Wilson gave birth to the couple’s daughters on Tuesday in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Joe and Abbey announced the birth of their daughters by releasing a DVD called GIRLS GONE WILD PRESENTS: TWO GIRLS DESTROYING ONE FORMER GIRLS GONE WILD GIRL’S VAGINA. No! They didn’t do that (I don’t think Joe is legally allowed to use the GGW name anymore). They announced it on Instagram.

Joe and Abbey’s new babies – or as Joe calls them “See? I’m not a predatory douchebag, I have two daughters!” – are named Alexandria Claire and Athena Olivia Francis. Which is so bizarre to me, because I was so sure they’d go with something a little more Girls Gone Wild-y, like Nikki and Tiffani. Regardless of what they names their babies, Joe’s partner-in-satan Pimp Mama Kris will no doubt change them to something more on-brand like Klaire and Kathena when she swoops in like a and starts pimping them out. It’s only a matter of time – Kendall and The Other One are getting old. PMK needs fresh meat. Watch out, Baby Alexandria and Baby Athena! If a half-melted piece of orange silly putty approaches you with a man in red pajamas with a pitchfork asking if you wanna be famous, YOU SAY NO!

Pic: Instagram

Blake Lively’s Got An Artisanal Fetus Growing In Her Womb

October 6, 2014 / Posted by:

Blake NotSoLively’s transformation into the Anthropologie Goopy Paltrow is almost complete. Soon, Preserve.us (Yes, it is still a thing that exists) will reach GOOP levels of insufferable when Blake, the future expert on all things motherhood, dribbles out articles about how to make diapers out of vintage doll clothes and how the perfect teething gel can easily be made at home using fresh Valerian root, syrup from a weeping willow, crushed bee wing powder and a drop of love. Ryan Reynolds knocked up Blake NotSoLively and she announced it on her site today by throwing up that picture taken by her brother Eric Lively (aka Carey from So Weird) and a pretentious pile of words written by someone in Team Preserve. If you’re hungover like me, keep your eyes off of that statement unless you really want to spend a piece of your day wiping barf off of your keyboard.

Preserve at its core is about family.

Family is the single word our founder, Blake built this home on. We have something for men, for women, for the old, but we realized, we don’t have anything for the new. With family on our mind, we looked to the origin of it all—to the women in our lives who are right there, at that special moment; at the creation of family.

Today we celebrate them. With food to fill their tummies (as if that needs more filling), presents to soothe their tired (and swollen) soles, toys to warm their baby’s souls, projects to provoke them, and decorations to inspire creativity and merriment in all. We had too much fun with this. Because there’s so much to share, we break up our first ever Preserve Celebration into multiple parts. In the upcoming days we will bring even more treats and fun. The entire next month will be sprinkled with highlights for women in this exciting chapter of their lives.

Congratulations to all the expecting mothers out there.

And thank you for being a part of our Preserve family.

And so it begins….

I, for one, am into this news, because I can’t wait to see whose original nose their baby inherits and you know that kid’s name is going to be a twee disaster. I’m going with Aloisius Thistle Reynolds if it’s a boy and Lana Sitra (“artisanal” backwards) Reynolds if it’s a girl.

Jackie And Kelso’s Baby Is Finally Here

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

It felt like Mila Kunis was doing it Jessica Simpson style and was entering her 9th trimester, because it feels like I spent a piece of my 2013 and all of my 2014 looking at pictures of her carrying around a huge bundle of baby while looking absolutely miserable. I figured that her baby was stalling, because kid wasn’t ready to fully deal with the fact that their biological father wears outfits like that on a day that isn’t October 31st. But yesterday, baby said “fuck it” and came out.

TMZ says that early yesterday morning, Mila and Ashton Kutcher checked into Cedars-Sinai in L.A. Mila gave birth to a girl sometime yesterday Even though it felt like we were days away from seeing a 2-year-old’s leg hanging out of Mila’s cooch, TMZ says she delivered right on schedule. TMZ didn’t tell us anymore details like what their daughter’s name is (I’m going with Jacqueline Kelso Kunis Kutcher, JKKK for short), how much does their baby weigh (because this is REALLY important) and how many nurses did Ashton eye fuck.

Meanwhile, as Ashton’s brand new baby barfed on him for the first time as he rocked her to sleep, Demi Moore was in Costa Rica somewhere wiping vomit off of her dress after her barely legal boy toy drunkenly yacked on her while she gave him a lap dance to a Pitbull song at a club. United in baby barf. And I really hope Mila teaches her daughter Russian. Because if she does, that kid will sound really badass when she curses her daddy out in Russian after catching him sucking the nanny’s face in the laundry room.

Pic: Getty

Chelsea Clinton Is Now A Mom

September 27, 2014 / Posted by:

You may file this news under “Oh my god I’m so old grab my Werthers and run me an epsom salt bath” or simply just shed a tear that Socks the Cat didn’t live long enough to be an uncle (Unky Socks sends his love from Kitty Heaven, I’m sure). Shortly after midnight last night, former first daughter and owner of legendary teen girl hair Chelsea Clinton announced on Twitter that she had finally evicted the baby who had been renting a room in her womb for the past 9 months, and now her and her husband Marc Mezvinsky are the parents of a baby girl named Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky. Which also means it’s time to crack open a bottle of sparkling moonshine, cause BUBBA IS A PEPAW NOW!

Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky sounds like the name of a high-powered Upper West Side real estate agent who always wears Christian Dior Poison, goes by “Char-Char” when she’s drunk, and won’t show you anything under $4.8 million. I love it! 30 years from now, she could star in a reality show about the cutthroat world of lady condo brokers. It could be called Billion Dollar Bitche$ (I assume condos will be a billion dollars in the future).

And I know Chelsea is only one-half hee-haw, but I was sort of hoping she might pay tribute to Bill Clinton’s Arkansas upbringing by at least giving her baby a southern-fried gravy-slathered middle name, like Britnee or Amber or Bobbi-Jo. Charlotte Bobbi-Jo Mezvinsky has a nice ring to it!

(via Page Six)

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Snooki Is Somebody’s Mother Again

September 26, 2014 / Posted by:

For the second time in our lifetimes, a weird thing that we never thought would happen happened: a baby came fist pumping out of Snooki’s mammaloid cooka. The hybrid of a miniature dragon and an Ewok birthed out her and Jionni LaValle’s second adorable guidoling this morning. Ten seconds after a baby was pulled out of Snooki’s body, she jumped on Twitter to announced her kid’s name. Snooki gave her daughter a name that honors her Italian upbringing and that’s nice and everything but I really wish she would’ve honored her reality shit show roots by naming her kid after the duck phone. When will one of those Jersey Shore whores do right by naming one of their spawn after the duck phone?

Snooki and Jionni’s first kid, Lorenzo Dominic, is already 2 years old.

It really feels like it was only a second ago when Snooki was pissing on the club floor and trying to stuff Vinny’s watermelon peen into her pinhole poon. And now she’s traded barfing in the jacuzzi for getting barfed on by babies, and is coordinating ovulation cycles with JWoww so they can give birth to babies around the same time and guarantee themselves a season renewal. Our reality show fame whores grow up so fast.

And the year is 2014 and I’ve written about The Situation and Snooki in the same week. Coming up next: a “Where Are They Now?” post about Jamie Jungers!

Pic: JenniFarley.com

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Jeremy Renner Got Secret Married To His Daughter’s Mom

September 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above wearing a ring on his hitchin’ finger at a screening for his movie Kill The Messenger in DC last night, Grumpy Cat’s human twin Jeremy Renner confirmed to Capitol File Magazine that he’s married to the model and actress type he knocked up a couple of years ago. Cue up the blind items that say that Kelly Preston has proudly welcomed a newest member to the Beard Wife Hall of Fame Club!

During the interview, the reporter from Capitol File probably noticed the ring he’s been wearing and straight up asked his 43-year-old ass if he’s married to his 22-year-old baby mother Sonni Pacheco. Jeremy dribbled out a “yes” and went on to say that he hasn’t come out as a married man, because he cares about the privacy of his wife and their 17-month-old daughter Ava Berlin (who, thanks to that name, is destined to become a gay club cabaret singer in Germany):

I have tried to protect my family’s privacy, my wife’s privacy. I don’t need her to get hammered with my life. Privacy issues are important because I want her to go about her day without being bothered. Yeah… Paps follow me, [and] that’s fine. But it’s annoying being followed when I’m with my family. It’s not just me—everyone [in Hollywood] has to deal with that. I’ve been talked about a whole lot, because the less I put out there, the less people know, and it makes it interesting, I assume.

When he said, “need her to get hammered with,” I expected him to go in a completely different direction than where he went. I think what he means by “protect my family’s privacy” is “Eh, I’ve gotta a movie to sell, so why not drop that little headline maker?”

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Eva Mendes And Ryan Gosling Are Now The Parents Of A Baby Girl

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

According to Us Weekly, those high-pitched tear-soaked screams you’re hearing just now are coming from the thousands of Gal-slings (lady Ryan Gosling fans) after they received the news that Eva Mendes was actually for-real pregnant with Ryan’s baby, and it wasn’t, in fact, just a cruel prank being played on them by that dark-sided man-stealing hussy. Multiple sources have confirmed to Us Weekly that Eva gave birth to a baby girl on Friday. Nothing else about the baby is known, so for now we shall call it BABY GOOSE.

Eva tried to keep Baby Goose a secret for most of her pregnancy; she never really admitted that she was knocked-up (Ellen did that for her) and the last time she was seen in public was more than three months ago. But now she can’t really hide Baby Goose that well (unless she finds a way to MacGyver a Baby Bjorn under her clothes). Or maybe Ryan will take care of it; don’t ducks carry their babies by hiding them under their wings? Either way, I doubt we’re about to see a People cover of Eva Mendes posing with a wrinkly confused-looking 5-day-old Baby Goose with the headline “MEET MY AVIAN MIRACLE!” (You’re right – she’s probably holding out for 10-page spread in Wildfowl).

But the only thing I really care about is whether or not the doctors handed Ryan Baby Goose and he greeted her for the first time by saying “Hey girl.

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