Category: BABIES!!!

Behold, The First Picture Of Christina Aguilera’s Daughter Summer Rain

January 18, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s been five months since Christina Aguilera asked a delivery room nurse to lube up her down lows with a silicone-based tinted foundation primer (“I want my baby’s first make-up experience to be special” she said, as she prepared the adhesive on a set of infant-sized false eyelashes) and pushed out her future Disney Channel star Summer Rain, and we finally have a picture of her. Sort of. Earlier today, Xtina introduced us to her baby with fiancé Matt Rutler by tweeting a photo of her laying on a rug. At least I assume it’s a rug: she could be scaling the side of the Shaggin’ Wagon from Dumb and Dumber or laying on the skinned corpse of the Snuggle Bear for all we know.

Since Xtina didn’t post a photo of her face, there’s not much we know about Summer Rain. But according to her embroidered diaper cover, she’s a lil’ diva (awwww, just like her mommy). She also has hair, two hands, and a foot. Maybe Xtina chose not to post a picture of her face for privacy reasons, but if I know Xtina, it’s because Summer Rain hasn’t quite mastered the art of subtle contouring and foundation application. Or maybe Summer Rain wasn’t happy with the way her mommy drew on her eyebrows and she was crawling away to find some baby wipes.

Then again, if I were Summer Rain (and I’m not, because life truly isn’t fair), I’d be hiding my face in shame if I knew I had the words Lil’ Diva written in Curlz (CURLZ!) emblazoned across my butt.

Bring On The Baby-Sized Ukuleles: Zooey Deschanel Is Pregnant

January 13, 2015 / Posted by:

We’ll all remember where we were the moment we learned that Zooey Deschanel’s boyfriend was not, in fact, a charming come-to-life vintage scarecrow from an Etsy store called Wish & Sawdust. People says that after dating for about half a year, Zooey Deschanel and her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik are expecting a baby. Zooey confirmed the news by embroidering the word BABY onto a handmade bunting made from 1950s aprons and tying it to a dozen pastel balloons, which she released into the air while playing “Be My Baby” by The Ronettes on a child’s ukelele. No! She just released this statement to People:

“Jacob and I are over the moon. We are so excited to meet our little one.”

You’d think that the moon wouldn’t be quirky enough for Zooey. Then again, she didn’t specify what moon she was over. “Jacob and I over Tethys, the third moon of Saturn. It’s cool, you probably haven’t heard of it.

Zooey says she’s expecting some time this summer, which means we’re but 6 or so months away from some next-level whimsical fuckery in the baby name department. Of course Zooey could blow our minds and name the baby something like Jenny or Steve, but survey says it will probably be verrrrryyyyy precious. If it’s a girl, my guesses are: Sugar Ribbon, Eyelash Giggles, Bluebird Bicyclette, or Waffles. And if it’s a boy, my guesses are Skipper Jones, Jooey Canoe, Peter Pan, or Tooter. Or just the sound of Zooey singing Christmas songs.

Like Beyonce Would Ever Be This Subtle About A Pregnancy Announcement

January 11, 2015 / Posted by:

Grand master STUNT QUEEN Beyonce squirted up this picture on Instagram today and it’s got a lot of hos wondering if in a few months, the ground of the planet will once again be blessed by the toes of another deity. Beyonce didn’t put up a caption with this picture, because if threw up something like #JustStuntinAsUsual, her sand baby bump wouldn’t become a #1 trending topic on Twitter in all countries and every major news outlet wouldn’t break into their regularly scheduled programming to discuss this very important global news!

What does it all mean?! Is Beyonce letting everyone know that she really is the troll of all trolls by giving birth to a giant, sandy stunt on Instagram? Or are we about to get a second performance from her Tempur-Pedic pillow bump and months and months of surrogate rumors? Who knows! But if this is Beyonce’s way of announcing that she’s got a CASE OF THE BABIES, then I guess she’s also announcing that she’s got one tit and elephantitis of the shoulder.

Personally, I think Beyonce is just taking the attention away from Jesus on his day and is giving the Beyhive something to rabidly buzz over. I don’t think Beyonce would announce that she’s knocked up the same way your old high school friend would announce their pregnancy on Facebook. I refuse to believe that Beyonce would announce that she’s knocked up without a full crew, a team of choreographers, costume changes and a six figure budget.

If she and Jay-Z really are expecting another baby that they’ll probably name Fuchsia Fern Carter, then we’ll really know. When they’re about to announce the winner of the last award at the Golden Globes tonight, the lights will flicker, the room will shake, the ceiling will open up and Beyonce will descend from the sky with a gold-painted bump while dancers dressed like gold storks spell out the words “It’s A BeyBy” with letter sparklers. No, the Golden Globes is ONLY watched by 20 million people. She’ll do it at the Oscars.

This Is The Baby That Jackie And Kelso Made

January 9, 2015 / Posted by:

And I kind of love that she’s giving us a look that says “I’m attached to the dude from Dude Where’s My Car, aren’t I?

Ever since Mila Kunis pushed out the baby she made with Ashton Kutcher, they’ve both sort of kept a low profile and generally avoided the whole pimping-out-their-baby-for-publicity thing (“Ew, then what’s the point of a baby?” thought Kim Kardashian, as she prepared for her weekly pap walk with North). Even when Baby Wyatt was born, there was no UsWeekly MEET OUR MIRACLE!!! cover; they just released a bunch of pictures of newborn types and let people guess what she looked like.

But now the guessing game is over, because this is Jackie and Kelso’s baby. A couple of days ago, a fan snapped a pic of Ashton and Mila running errands with Wyatt, who appears to be dressed as Smithers dressed as Bobo the Bear, and she’s very cute. She’s got one of those faces where you probably wouldn’t mind at all if she threw up on you. And if you want a closer look at Baby Wyatt, someone recently threw up what appears to be a holiday card from The Kutcher-Kunises on Twitter:

Ashton Kutcher Mila Kunis Baby

Even with a second and third picture, I’m still having trouble trying to decide who the baby looks more like. In that first pic, she’s making the same confused face her daddy probably made when he read the reviews of Jobs, but in the second pic, she’s serving up true so over this nonsense realness like her mom during an interview. It’s too close to call!

Pic: Twitter

Jennifer Love Hewitt Is Pregnant Again

January 8, 2015 / Posted by:

13 months after the birth of her first baby and 13 months after becoming married to someone, People says Jennifer Love Hewitt is knocked up with her second baby. Damn, bitch is motivated! In a little over a year, she’s managed to rent her womb out twice and get hitched. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here still trying to decide what to have for lunch yesterday.

A rep for Jennifer (Max Conners, I wish) says Jennifer and her husband Brian Hallisay are “thrilled” to be expecting a second baby. That’s it, just thrilled. Frankly, I’m shocked; Jennifer Love Hewitt always struck me as an “over the moon” type. She also totally strikes me as the type to post a picture of her Clearblue pregnancy piss stick to Instagram or vajazzle the words “WE’RE EXPECTING!” over her c-section scar, but that didn’t happen either. Jennifer Love Hewitt, are you ok?

Jennifer and her husband gave their 13-month-old daughter a name soaking in 70s glamour – Autumn James – so I’m really hoping that 9 months from now, they give us glamour pt. 2 by naming their baby something like Tuesday St. Cloud or Julie Stevens or Vicki LaCroix. And if it’s a boy, it should be just a whole mess of abbreviations, like T.J. Hallisay or B.J. Hallisay or R.J.J.R. Hallisay. Then again, having two kids named after seasons is cool too. Autumn and Summer? That actually sounds like a long-lost track from Let’s Go Bang. It’s perfect!

The “Over The Moon” Watch: The Alien Lizard King Benedict Cumberbatch Is Going To Be A Father

January 7, 2015 / Posted by:

So it begins… It was the Mayans who said (they didn’t say this) that in the year 2014, a human will mate with an alien lizard king visiting from another planet and months later she will give birth to an all-powerful baby who will take over the world and capture us all. They were right. Soon, we’re all going to be Cumberbtiches whether we like it or not.

Benedict Cumberbatch’s rep tells E! News that his fiancee of two months Sophie Hunter is carrying a cumberbaby in her womb. When asked for a comment, Oscar rival Eddie Redmayne said, “Oh yeah, oh yeah, well my WIFE is pregnant with quadruplets and we’ve already named them Oscarella, Oscarina, Oscartina and Oscarola.” Even though I’m obsessed with the Cumberbitches (does that mean I’m a Cumberbitchbitch?), I haven’t been to Tumblr yet, so I have no idea if it’s crumbled from the weight of 10,000 word posts written by his hardcore fans who think it’s sad that their God’s team is making him get engaged and make a baby just to win a trophy. Or maybe they haven’t written any posts like that, because they were too busy using their fingers to poke out their eyes after reading the worst thing they’ve ever read.

Here’s the statement from B. Cums’ rep:

“I am delighted to confirm that Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter are expecting their first child. They are both over the moon.”

Yes, they said “over the moon,” but it doesn’t bother me. They probably went over the moon literally while traveling to his home planet to share the happy news with his subjects.

In case you missed them, here’s pictures of Sophie’s “bump” at the Palm Springs International Film Festival over the weekend.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

File Under “Shocking To Absolutely No One”: Gaby Hoffmann Ate Her Placenta After She Gave Birth

January 7, 2015 / Posted by:

When it was announced back in June that former child star and current Adam’s crazy hipster sister on Girls Gaby Hoffmann was knocked up with a tiny kombucha-scented vegan cronut, I knew right away that we were but months away from some potential hipster-sounding birth story foolery. Sadly, when she did finally give birth to a baby girl on November 19th, there didn’t seem to be any. No hand-carved reclaimed barn wood birthing pools filled with organic rainwater. No small-batch epidurals made from steeped sage leaves and raw honey. Even the baby’s name – Rosemary – was pretty normal.

However, she didn’t totally let me down. During the Girls Season 4 premiere on Monday, Gaby disclosed her post-baby secret to People, and just like January Jones before her, that secret is eating her placenta:

“Placenta, placenta, placenta. Just eat that shit up, and it does a girl good! I made smoothies out of it for three weeks. I had a home birth, so my midwife and my doula took it and cut it up into 20 pieces and froze it, and every day, I put it in a blender with strawberries and blueberries and guava juice and a banana, and I drank that shit up.”

I wish I was half as enthusiastic about anything as Gaby Hoffmann is about eating her placenta. I picture her in a little party hat throwing herself a placenta fiesta every morning as she dances into the kitchen and throws on the Vitamix.

I feel like I’m in no place to throw any kind of shade at Gaby for eating her birth extras, because I’ve put worse shit in my mouth. And when I say shit, I mean, literal garbage. One time I made a sandwich that was just Doritos between two slices of white bread. “One time? LOL, that’s cute” just hissed my stomach. I’ve also been known to replace milk with melted ice cream in my cereal. I’m literally at the point in my life where eating my placenta would be considered a positive lifestyle change.

Nick Lachey And Vanessa Minnillo Had Another Baby

January 6, 2015 / Posted by:

I know that manicured hand being gripped on to by that baby is that of Vanessa Minnillo, but it’s more fun to pretend it belongs to Nick Lachey (he seems like the sporty squoval type). I, like I’m sure many of you, forgot that Vanessa Mint Milano Cookies was knocked up with one of Nick Lachey’s white turtleneck-wearing bobo Channing Tatum sperms. But she was, and now she’s not anymore, because she gave birth to the baby living inside her yesterday. Vanessa announced the arrival of said baby by posting a picture to Instagram earlier today with the following caption that will no doubt make Michael K fly into a fit of rage and whip his Beverly Hills Teens pencil holder at the wall (thankfully I always keep a spare under my desk):

Baby girl Lachey is finally HERE and we couldn’t be happier!!! All her sweet little details are on VanessaLachey.com. Thank you for all of the love and support, we are over the moon! Xx

I got really excited thinking they had actually named their baby “Baby Girl Lachey”, but UsWeekly – who is clearly in thew business of crushing dreams – says her name is actually Brooklyn Elisabeth. She joins their other kid, 2-year-old Camden John. Brooklyn and Camden? It sounds like Nick and Vanessa have been choosing their kids’ names by throwing a dart at a map of the greater New York/New Jersey area. If that’s true, then I sincerely look forward to the possibility of a third baby named Schenectady Lachey. Unless there’s already a drag queen from upstate New York with that name, in which case, hands off Vanessa and Nick – that’s a hot name, and it doesn’t belong to you.

Pic: Instagram

Bryan Singer Is A Daddy Now. An Actual Daddy.

January 6, 2015 / Posted by:

The holes in my brain (and I’m sure there’s plenty since I’ve watched the Screech sex tape a couple of times) squirted out a stream of question marks last October when X-Men director and twink aficionado Bryan Singer announced that his best friend of 25 years Michelle Clunie (that’s Melanie Marcus to those of us who watched the American Queer As Folk) was knocked up with his kid. Well, that baby is now here. Last night, Bryan tweeted this picture of his and Michelle’s newborn baby son. If you put your ear to the screen you can almost hear Bryan’s Botoxed mug crack as he pushes out a fatherly smile.

Even though Bryan is quite bi-sexual, he and Michelle don’t fuck and they have a platonic friendship. It was reported that he bought her a house down the street from his and will pay for her living expenses. They plan to raise their son together. It’s very The Next Best Thing but without Benjamin Bratt, the drunken hetero boning and court battle. Bryan added this note with the picture of his family:

Michelle Clunie and I would like to welcome our beautiful son Dashiell Julius William Clunie~Singer into the world :)

They should’ve added just one more name since that kid’s name isn’t long enough. When Dashiell Julius Williams Clunie-Singer starts driving, he’s going to need a fold-out drivers license, because his full name won’t fit on a regular one.

Well, I guess having a kid is one way for people to forget that twink drugging and raping lawsuit (which was dropped) and see Bryan Singer as a family man. Hopefully Bryan has been hitting the weights, because he’s going to need a lot of strength to rock Baby Dashiell to sleep in one arm while using his other arm to snort a line of the bad shit off of a twink’s stomach at one of his pool parties.

 

Blake Lively Already Had Her Baby

January 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Sometimes it feels like famous people are a special species (“We are, you peon bitch” – famous people) who are pregnant for at least 18 months, but I guess Blake NotSoLively just had to be different and birth out her baby early.

3 months after announcing that she had a womb full of her first child with Ryan Reynolds, People says that Blake gave birth to a baby who will remind them what their original noses looked like before a plastic surgeon’s scalpel touched them. People says that even though their baby was born early, it’s healthy and fine. That’s the only detail that People has and that’s probably because Blake is going to give all the details in an eye roll-inducing post on Preserve.us. My guess is that Blake gave birth in a barn lit by candlelight with the help of a midwife. Right after she cleaned her baby off with homemade rose water, she made Ryan Reynolds leave the barn and change into a confederate soldier’s uniform before coming back in, so she could say to him, “My love, I do declare!  You came back from the war to see your fresh born kin!

The only detail any of us care about is the baby’s name, but since Blake and Ryan are selfish, they haven’t released it yet. So let’s guess!

If it’s a girl, my guesses are: Antebella Mammy Rose, Anthropologina Cotton, Leelee O’Hara Grits, Artisanalina Clementine or Martha Stewart Jr.

If it’s a boy, my guesses are: Bayou Cane, Rhett Twain, Beauregard Sawyer, Boo Boysenberry or Top That Lincoln.

Or maybe they’ll go the old-fashioned, classic route and name their child: Fuckgoop Reynolds. Simple and timeless.

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