Permanent resident of the soap box Bristol Palin must have been too busy whooping bitches at snowmobiles parties and judging tricks left and right to learn about condoms, birth control pills, Mirena and the “finish on my thigh” method, because another unexpected visitor moved into her uterus recently. A month after canceling her wedding to that Dakota Meyer dude, 24-year-old Bristol announced on her blog today that soon she’ll be holding another baby in one arm while drunkenly beating a bitch at a party with the other arm. Bristol seems really happy about it too!
Unlike your friends on Facebook who cream out of every orifice about being knocked up, Bristol doesn’t seem that into it and she also didn’t say who the father is. Since she practices abstinence, she probably tripped and fell on a raw dick. Bristol says that she’s keeping her chin implant up, she doesn’t want any lectures (says the full-time lecturer) and knows she can handle anything with dignity and grace (HA!).
(I’m announcing this news a lot sooner than I ever expected due to the constant trolls who have nothing better to talk about!!!)
I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant.
Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.
At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.
Life moves on no matter what. So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up.
When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher.
Bristol goes on to ask for privacy even though we all know she doesn’t mean that.
I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.
But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.
My little family always has, and always will come first.
Tripp, this new baby, and I will all be fine, because God is merciful.
Sarah Palin hasn’t said anything about this yet. She’ll probably just release the same statement she released the first time Bristol got pregnant 6 years ago.
I know it’s too early to talk about names, but I really hope she names this one Fall. And well, Bristol’s new baby can look forward to having a grandma who will teach them about style and sophistication. Here’s some pictures I totally missed from January of Sarah Palin delivering massive amounts of “country star circa 1991″ glamour at some event with Ted Nugent in Las Vegas.
It wasn’t that long ago when Jennifer Love Hewitt was the human Miss Prissy and was so desperate for a husband that she’d bring an officiant, a wedding planner, a florist, an engagement ring and a wedding ring with her to a first date just in case. But then ole square bitches herself met her now husband Brian Hallisay while doing The Client List and she popped out their first kid, a daughter named Autumn James, in 2013. Well, 18 months after Autumn James (if that isn’t a Nicholas Sparks character name, I don’t know what is) checked out of her womb, JLove and her husband are parents again. The former Jennifer Aniston of basic cable and current stretch mark cream hawker gave birth to a son yesterday. JLove and Brian made it clear that they really love the letter A and really, really love James as a middle name. via People
Actress Jennifer Love Hewitt has welcomed her second child with her husband, actor Brian Hallisay.
Son Atticus James Hallisay arrived Wednesday, the actress’ rep confirms to PEOPLE.
Atticus James sounds like a line of antique bronze monocles sold exclusively at Preserve.us. It also sounds like the name of a craft beer sommelier at Brooklyn’s most popular animal-to-table (farm-to-table is so out) restaurant.
I don’t mind the name Atticus. It could be a lot, lot worse. But if JLove named her kid after a book she loved, I’m surprised she didn’t name him TheRules James Hallisay since I’m sure she read that mess a million times during her OHMYGAWDINEEDAMAN phase.
Pic: Palmer’s Cocoa Butter
On Father’s Day, stale flax seed and lavender breadstick Blake NotSoLively threw up this picture on Instagram of her husband Ryan Reynolds and their 6-month-old baby daughter James with the caption: “Happy Fathers Day!!! … @vancityreynolds Since the day our baby was born, I’ve felt so strongly in my heart that you were most likely the father.” Insert “nervous laugh from Ben Affleck” here.
Some people weren’t laughing at Blake NotSoLively’s joke, because they were too busy screaming their tonsils off for the policía, the FBI, Obama, Child Protective Services, Mary Poppins and Mama Rabbit over the way Baby James is sitting in that baby backpack thing. When I see that picture, I see baby feet hanging out of a baby backpack thing. But when mad moms see that picture, they practically see Ryan Reynolds dangling his baby over a river full of blood-thirsty, hungry great white sharks. I know that great white sharks don’t live in rivers, but mad moms aren’t thinking clearly, because the veins in their brains are pumped full of boiling outrage.
Pop Smash a bottle of sparkling wine and scream an expletive-filled message of congratulations, because anti-anger management’s unofficial mascot Alec Baldwin is a daddy again! Earlier today, Alec’s beyond-thirsty wife Hilaria Baldwin confirmed that she had successfully doubled-down on her 18-year investment by posting a picture of the baby she popped out of her body (well, she posted his hand at least) to Instagram with the caption: “We are happy to announce the birth of Rafael Thomas Baldwin.”
Then, once she realized that was far too subtle an announcement, she rented out a digital billboard in Times Square and played a video of her doing a series of upside-down yoga poses in the maternity ward while she writes the name BALDWIN on the birth certificate. I’m joking – Hilaria Baldwin would never be so tacky.
Of course, we don’t really know how Alec feels about Baby Rafael, whose name is giving me a major craving for some coconut almond Christmastime chocolates, on account of him quitting Twitter. But if I had to guess, I’d say that when he held his son for the first time, he was so overcome with emotion, he leaned in and whispered “What a not-rude opposite-of-thoughtless little pig you are.” I’m sure he would have said something nicer, but the language center in Alec Baldwin’s brain has been conditioned to speak solely in insults.
A Huggies truck is backing up onto Terrence Howard’s driveway today, because there’s an extra butt in the Howard household that needs wiping. The baby wipes aficionado and his latest wife Mira Howard (not to be confused with his second wife whom he’s still involved in a fucked-up, messy legal fight with) are parents to a brand new baby boy who was born about 4 weeks ago. I am way behind on my highly important Terrence Howard news, because I didn’t even know that he used his wine cork dick to knock up his third wife.
Terrence already has 3 kids (17-year-old Heaven, 19-year-old Hunter and 21-year-old Aubrey) with his first wife. Surprisingly, Terrence didn’t pay tribute to his second love (his first love being Terrence Howard) baby wipes by naming his fourth kid Huggies™ Howard. Terrence and Mira named their son Qirin Love Howard after a mythical Chinese figure. Terrence Howard spilled out words about his son to Access Hollywood at The Monte Carlo TV Festival in Monaco:
“He’s beautiful and strong and a whirlwind and my wife is so happy,” the actor said, explaining that his son’s name is derived from the mythic Chinese creature, the qilin, which is said to appear before a time of prosperity or serenity.
Qirin is going to need to be strong and his eye rolling muscle better be sturdy, because he’s going to use it a lot when his parents eventually break up, start fighting and force him to choose a side.
Terrence also told Access Hollywood about some shit called “breast cheese” while talking about breastfeeding:
“She has the boobage and nurses him during the day. So, I pull night duty, so that she can sleep and I keep him with me and will take some of the pre-pumped, you know, breast cheese, whatever you call it.”
Chichis queso! Why am I picturing crumbled Feta squirting out of Mira’s boob? As always, thanks for that image, Terry. And I really need Terrence Howard’s stupid ass to write a hygiene and parenting handbook titled Baby Wipes & Breast Cheese.
Here’s Terrence looking like a pimp in a Miami Vice episode while posing with Cookie Lyon at The Monte Carlo TV Festival on Sunday.
Back in March, professional famous friend collector Taylor Swift was named the godmother of the baby growing inside Jaime King. And this weekend, she held up her end of the godmother deal by throwing a huge-ass baby shower and inviting all her famous friends to come and lavish attention on Taylor Swift…I mean, Jaime. It was totally about Jaime. I mean, it was clearly just a coincidence that Taylor got the coveted second-from-the-left spot in the picture above.
Just like Taylor Swift’s birthday party, Taylor Swift’s baby shower was packed full of famous people: Gigi Hadid, the Haim sisters, Hailee Steinfeld, Emma Roberts, Sarah Hyland and Joey King. Taylor also made sure to invite a couple of adults, like Jessica Alba, Nina Dobrev, Selma Blair, Diane Kruger, and Topher Grace, so that 36-year-old Jaime didn’t feel left out. Not present: Lorde and Ellie Goulding. Hmmm….
Taylor’s “I’m gonna be a godmother, bitches!” baby shower took place at Soho House in West Hollywood, which means that baby shower was already an expensive mess before the first exquisitely-wrapped present was placed on the gift table. And I’m sure all the best presents came from Tay Tay herself. Fuck a Bumbo and some burp cloths; that yet-to-be born baby probably took home a stroller glued together with the tears of her enemies, a framed plaque stating that a fancy breed of expensive cat has been named after it, the No. 3 spot on her best friends list, and the deed to a small island.
Here’s more from Jaime’s baby shower. There were so many famous people there, looking at the pictures is like playing Where’s Waldo, but instead of finding the dude in the striped sweater, you’re searching for the one non-famous normal person.
After many months of gestating in its humanoid growth pod (aka Sophie Hunter’s womb), the intergalactic alien lizard royal baby is here! That loud wailing sound you just heard was either the wails of happiness from the citizens of Benedict Cumberbatch’s home planet or the wails of sorrow from the Cumberbitches. It’s hard to tell them apart – they both sound the same. The Daily Mail says a rep for Benedict Cumberbatch released this statement earlier today confirming that his wife of four months popped out a baby boy.
“Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter are delighted to announce the arrival of their beautiful son. We would kindly ask everyone to respect the family’s privacy during these next few precious weeks.”
“Ha! See how they didn’t specify whether or not it was a human son? I knew it!” said every “Benedict Cumberbatch is an alien disguised as a human” truther.
So far all we know is that Sophie had a baby boy, but that’s about it. No idea on the weight or what he looks like, so until I see a picture, I’m just going to assume he looks like one of Kif Kroker’s babies or that adorable alien squid baby from Men In Black. Also not known is what Benedict and Sophie have named their new baby. Usually this would be where I make a joke about British-sounding baby names, but even “Nigel Fitzcrumpet” is nothing compared to “Benedict Cumberbatch“.
Regardless – congratulations on your new baby, Benedict and Sophie! And to everyone on Benedict’s home planet, congratulations on your future king!
Earlier today, UsWeekly released the BREAKING news that “multiple sources” could confirm that the baby living inside Kim Kardashian’s factory-made body is a boy. One of the sources claimed that Kim’s kurrent husband Kanye West was “overjoyed” after finding out his wife was knocked up with a boy, adding that he loves their girl baby North West a whole hell of a lot, but “he wanted a little boy, an heir.” Wait – an “heir“? Let’s all cross our fingers and hope chronic narcissism isn’t hereditary.
Even though UsWeekly has a 50/50 chance of correctly guessing what kind of baby will pop out of Kim’s bouncy castle body in December, Kim still took to Twitter shortly after to swat away all the rumors going around about her pregnancy, including UsWeekly’s baby boy news.
To be fair, I’m not even sure she knows the sex of the baby. How could she? When Kim Kardashian looks at an ultrasound picture, the only thing she’s looking for is what the baby’s best angle might be so she’ll know which side of her body the nannies should place it before their daily pap walk.
Not to mention that we’d already know if Kanye was having a boy, because the US patent office would be backed up with requests to trademark the following names: Kanye West Jr., Kanye 2, Kanye’s Little Kanye, Yeezus Jr., The Second Coming of Kanye, and HA HA HA GOD, I GOT A SON NOW TOO.
And if you’ve ever wondered what a drowsy-in-the-face version of Barbamama would look like, here are some picture of Kim shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday. I know – how DARE I compare Kim to Barbamama.
“What is this thing? Is it food? Is it a toy? Why am I holding it? Is this what a baby corgi is? It’s not going to take my crown, is it? I’ve got my eye on you, soft baby corgi thing.”
Earlier today, Prince William and Duchess Kate released the first official portrait of five-week-old Baby Princess Charlotte. Thanks to the fourteen billion cameras waiting outside the Lindo Wing on the day she was born, we already sort of knew what she looked like. Well, now we know what she looks like when she’s awake and being snuggled on by her big brother Toddler Prince George. All together now: “AWWWWWWWWWWW.”
Shortly after Kensington Palace tweeted the first shot of BPC and TPG, they tweeted that the pictures were taken by Duchess Kate in mid-May, so that means Baby Princess Charlotte is still a pretty new baby. But she’s already very adorable, and that has me all kinds of jealous. Not too long ago, I was looking at baby pictures of myself, and I looked like a cooked cocktail shrimp until I hit the 3-month mark. BPC is lucky – she’ll never look back at her baby pictures and think “Why do I look like I’m about to be dipped in some zesty ketchup sauce?”
Kensington Palace also released a couple extra pics of BPC and TPG being adorable with each other, which is very generous of them, but there’s a crucial element of cute missing. Where’s Lupo the doggie?!? These pictures of BPC and TPG are nothing without Lupo trying to give his tiny humans slobbery doggie kisses.
I hope Bobby Flay isn’t getting too attached to his title of Messiest Public Divorce, because he might soon have to hand it over to WNBA players Glory Johnson and Brittney Griner. Take a look at that picture of Glory and Brittney on their wedding day back in May, because it’s going to come in very handy for when you say “Well, that escalated quickly” later.
Things started out OK. Brittney asked Glory to marry her back in August, and in January, they appeared on Say Yes To The Dress. Then it began to get all sorts of bad for Brittney and Glory a few weeks before their wedding. On April 22nd, Brittney and Glory got into a brawl at their home in Arizona that ended with both of them getting arrested for domestic violence. Brittney plead guilty to disorderly conduct and was ordered to complete a 26 week domestic violence counseling program (Glory’s case is still pending). Then two weeks later, Brittney and Glory were like “Fight? What fight?” and got married at the delicious-sounding Tapatio Cliffs Resort Phoenix on May 8th.
Then on June 4th, Glory announced that will be taking this season off because she’s knocked-up with a baby. Which is great, right? Not exactly. The day after Glory announced she’s got a tiny basketball in her net (I don’t know what that means), TMZ says Brittney filed for an annulment on their 28-day marriage. Brittney is claiming the marriage was based on “fraud and duress“, adding that Glory “pressured” her into marriage with “threatening statements.” Brittney also pulled a Sherri Shepherd by claiming she has no biological connection to the baby living in Glory’s womb.
Glory has responded to all this by posting (then deleting) an inspirational quote about “unperfect people” on Instragram. Maybe that’s part of the fraud Brittney was talking about? “Your honor, I was lead to believe I was marrying someone who didn’t use made-up words like unperfect.”