Category: BABIES!!!

There’s Another Jersey Shore Baby Among Us

July 13, 2014 / Posted by:

So I guess God really did ignore us when during the first season of Jersey Shore, we asked him or her to please turn the Kamikaze shots they were downing into sterile juice and to not let any of them spawn. Because JWoww birthed out another cast member of TTV’s reboot of Jersey Shore in 2034. (Side note: In the future MTV will finally keep it real and change their name to Trash Television). E! News says that in a hospital in the Tri-state area somewhere, a living, breathing human baby is looking up at JWoww’s melting Thundercats Shrinky Dink face and realizing that yes, that rubber Lucky Cat creature is her mother. JWoww IS somebody’s mother.

JWoww gave birth to her first kid, a daughter, with her guido fiancé of two years Roger Matthews at 12:49 ET. Because JWoww is a fame whore at heart, she didn’t waste any time and four seconds after her daughter was pulled out of her body, she released a statement. JWoww’s statement probably came out before her Botox-infused placenta did.

“Jenni and Roger are so excited to welcome the newest guidette Meilani Alexandra Mathews to the world weighing 7lbs and 13 ounces. Meilani and her parents are doing great and are happy and healthy. Meilani is already looking to trade her baby bottle for barbells.”

I was hoping that JWoww would pay tribute to the Jersey Shore by naming her kid Karma-ella Duck Phone Matthews. Oh well.

I’ve said it before, but it’s still a miracle and mystery to me that Snooki, who’s growing a second baby in her Ewok uterus right now, has been in charge of another human for this long and hasn’t traded him in for a gallon jug of gin in a Costco parking lot. So maybe the silicone rose of the Jersey Shore and Roger won’t be the worst parents and if they are the worst parents, at least they’ll teach their kid one very important thing: always maintain a pristine and exquisite eyebrow situation. That’s really the only thing that matters.

And congratulations to JWoww, because now she can finally get the melting Tupperware bowls in her chest re-shapened and she can suck all the baby weight out of her legs since only the thighs of gross fatties touch. 

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Presenting Her Royal Reigness, Lil Kim’s Baby

July 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Around 40 years ago, the Asian Muppet and Wuzzle hybrid we know as Lil Kim was born and to celebrate her birthday, she posted a picture on her WhoSay page of what her nose looked like before dozens of de-licensed plastic surgeons hacked at it until it looked like a misshapen butternut squash made out of expired Play-Doh. Kim posted a picture of her one-month-old daughter Royal Reign (whose name still sounds like the name of a signature cocktail at a Prince-themed strip club) on the day she was born:

Thank U to all my fans #TeamLilKim #KillerBees #Beehive & friends for the Birthday love. I Love U guys so much and we will be together soon again. On my Birthday I want to share something special with U all…. The greatest gift I have ever received. My princess, Royal !!!!! This is her first picture on the day she was born. It was life changing and I want to share a small piece of my pride and joy with U on my special day today!!! Love U :) :) !!!! #HappyBirthdayLilKim #Royal #Reign #RoyalReign #TeamCancer

Babies usually split my nerves, especially brand new ones, but I think I like Royal Reign. But only because she’s throwing a museum-worthy side-eye that is saying a cross between, “You’re giving me a stripper name, aren’t you?” and “I see you already making plans while staring at your original nose on my face.”

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Ellen DeGeneres Pretty Much Confirmed That Eva Mendes Has A Gosling Baby In Her Womb

July 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Yesterday, when Ok! Magazine was the first to say that Eva Mendes has every McGosling shipper’s worst nightmare growing in her body, some people shrugged and said, “Eh, I’ll believe it when she gives birth to a baby who inherited her Cesar Romero as the Joker-like eyebrows and his ability to make ovaries combust by winking.” But then Access Hollywood co-signed Ok!’s story and the Internet really knew it was in danger, girl, when People (aka The Voice Of The People Weekly) confirmed through “a source” (FYI: I’m pretty sure Eva’s publicist’s name is Annabella Source) that one of Ryan’s smooth jizz fishes dropped kicked into one of Eva’s ovaries 7 months ago. And it really, really became all the way real when Ellen DeGeneres tweeted a tweet that pushed the Ryan Gosling fangirls deeper into the dark, scary ocean of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Back in February, Eva was on Ellen and she sort-of-kind-of-not-really denied that she’s got a Gosling fetus in her, so Ellen congratulating them is their way of confirming that shit. But damn, Eva and Ryan are such dramatic, theatrical bitches. I get that Eva went into hiding for four months, because she’s practically the JD Salinger of C-list movie actresses and is oh-so private and blah blah blah… But when the story came out yesterday, she could’ve just come out and said, “Yeah, losers, call your family and tell them to put you on suicide watch, because your fake boyfriend really did bareback bone a baby into me.” Instead, she had to get Ellen to confirm it for them. You’d think Alfred Hitchcock’s ghost orchestrated this baby announcement, because it’s THAT suspenseful.

And today, TMZ posted hilarious and ridiculous pap pictures of Eva using everything and the kitchen sink (no joke, I think there’s a Kohler sink behind that stripped blanket thing) to hide her growing fetus dome yesterday. Those pictures look like a Monty Python skit. Buffoonery! I’m surprised she hasn’t hired Rob Kardashian (he needs the job) to walk in front of her at all times. I get that Eva’s knocked up with a fetus that has destroyed the emotions of thousands of fangirls, but she’s acting like she’s pregnant with some truly, truly, truly treasured cargo like a naked picture of Prince Hot Ginge or the secret recipe to Jell-O 1-2-3. It’s just a baby. But I do hope that she keeps this act up after her kid is born, because I really want to see her carrying around a paper grocery bag with her baby disguised as a baguette sticking out of it. (“Eva, your baguette just drooled.” – a pap “Oh, that means it’s really organic.” – Eva)

If I was Eva, I’d walk around naked with the words “KEEP CRYING” written on my bump.

In A Few Months Another Baby Will Get To Call Robert Downey Jr. “Daddy”

July 9, 2014 / Posted by:

The Internet is still sore, raw, confused and broken (I think I just described myself after my first butt sex experience) over the news that its husband Ryan Gosling did them wrong and betrayed them by probably knocking up the MOST HATED WOMAN IN THE WORLD and I was secretly hoping that UsWeekly would report that Benedict Cumberbatch planted his eggs in his girlfriend and made a litter of lizard alien babies, because then the Internet would completely have a Brazil-level meltdown. That didn’t happen, but there is new baby news. Robert Downey Jr. tweeted that he and his wife of almost 10 years Susan will soon have newborn spit on their faces and newborn shit on their hands. RDJ tweeted a very RDJ tweet:

Because he wanted to cover all of his social media bases, he also announced on Facebook that he’s having an Iron Baby:

“Um. I don’t know if it’s a ‘man’s world’, but I’m certain women run it. Susan and I are therefore delighted to announce we are expecting a baby. Girl. November. Rdj.”

Susan and RDJ have a 2-year-old named Exton and RDJ has a 20-year-old son named Indio (who got busted for coke possession a little over a week ago) from his marriage to Deborah Falconer. Yes, Exton and Indio. Since RDJ is really into giving his kids 5-letter names that begin with a vowel and sound like the name of a California town (or in Indio’s case IS the name of a California town), I’m going to guess they’ll name their daughter Ukiah.

And somebody must’ve spiked the water at The Avengers craft service table with some kind of fertility tonic, because all those hos are either knocked up or just had babies. The Black Widow’s got a spider baby in her womb, Thor’s wife’s birthed out a set of Thor babies a few months ago and now Iron Man’s going to be a dad again. That grumbling in Sandra Bullock’s stomach area might not be from her lady parts still reacting to having Jesse James’ Nazi sperm all up in it a few times. It might be from the Captain America baby baking in her.

North Carolina’s Future Congressman Gets $7,500 A Month In Child Support, Allegedly

July 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Radar says that contrary to popular folklore, Clay Aiken isn’t a ridiculously rich gay leprechaun who follows the rainbow shooting out of his ass to get to a giant pot of gold whenever he needs money. (I know, my brain twisted from picturing Clay following a rainbow shooting out of his ass. Nobody has ever accused me of making sense.) Clay doesn’t make that much money on his own and he pays his bills mostly from the child support he gets from his friend and the mother of his 5-year-old son, Jaymes Foster. Clay’s son Parker mostly lives with Jaymes in Los Angeles, but she pays Clay $90,000 a year in child support, because she wants her son to live in the fancy life he’s accustomed to whenever he visits his daddy. In related news, I will be going to confession for the first time in centuries so I can ask a priest where did I go wrong, because I want a $7,500 monthly check for jacking off into a turkey baster while browsing through Sean Cody.

Radar source says that Jaymes, who is David Foster’s sister, and future North Carolina Congressman Clay Aiken have been fighting over custody issues in court for years. Jaymes is hoping that Clay wins the Congressional seat in the fall so she won’t have to pay him as much in child support. Jaymes is praying hard for a miracle, because the Congressional District that Clay’s running in is very Republican and he’s running as a Democrat.

“Clay is given a substantial amount of child support from her. The basis for the child support payment — which is more than $7,500 a month — is that Jaymes is raising Parker in a very luxurious lifestyle, therefore, Clay needs to be able to maintain and provide that for his son also. So, mommy pays for that.

Jaymes is hoping that Clay wins his bid to become a Congressman so she could petition the Court to reduce his child support payments. Clay doesn’t have any other source of steady income besides his monthly child support from Jaymes.”

The source also said that Clay wants to keep living the luxurious life without working and keeps trying to milk more money out of Jaymes.

There’s something fishy about this story and I never thought I’d say that about a Clay Aiken story. This story reeks of the thick, yeasty scent of SMEAR CAMPAIGN. I see what Clay’s opponents are doing. Transparent bitches. They’re nervous that he will pull a huge upset and after he wins, their district will be overrun with Claymates. I can’t blame them, but now they’re getting desperate and painting Clay as a gold digging, deadbeat gay leprechaun dad. Desperate tactic is desperate. Nobody’s buying it, because we all know that if Clay was really hard up for cash, all he would have to do is tweet a link to a Kickstarter campaign titled “My Name is Clay Aiken and I Need Money.” It would make $100 million in an hour and I’m low-balling that estimate. The child of every Claymate would hear the line, “I’m sorry I had to sell you to a child labor camp, but you can’t expect mommy’s God to sleep on sheets that are less than 800 thread count, right?”

Pic: The Columbus Dispatch

Eva Mendes Has A Gosling Fetus In Her Womb, So Says Ok! Magazine (UPDATE: People Say’s It’s True)

July 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Today, THIS is every Goslinger after hearing the life-ruining, heart-shattering news that the Adonis GOD who is supposed to bareback fuck his firstborn into them or Rachel McAdams might’ve made a baby with that home wrecking tramp slag hussy slut whore Evil Menses!

goslingevapregnant

It’s a trap! Her evil spiked-vagina poked holes in the condom.

Buy all the gallon jugs of vodka you can find, tell your weed man you’ll buy his entire stock and prepare your end of the world bunker, because the screeching wails of the Gosling fanhos will break the planet and their hot, salty tears will flood the land and destroy all life. Ok Magazine (“More like NOT OK! Magazine” – every crazed Gosling fan) claims that Eve Mendes is 7 months knocked up with a Gosling baby I hope they’ll name U Mad? Gosling-Mendes. Eva hasn’t hit the stroll in months and last February she refused to go through the body scanner at LAX, which made some people think that she was pregnant with a fetus that will destroy the planet. Ok!’s source (aka Lucifer who knows this news will make heaven’s angels impale themselves on the arrows of cherubs) says that Eva and Ryan can’t wait to be parents and she wants to marry his ass.

“She’s been ready for motherhood for a while now and to be sharing this experience with Ryan is a dream come true for her! Ryan grew up without a dad, so he always said when he had kids, he’d be there no matter what. This is it for him.”

Eva wanting to be a wife and mother is the complete opposite of what she’s said in the past about having chirrun of her own:

“I don’t wanna have kids… I love the little suckers; they’re so cute. But I love sleep so much, and I worry about everything. I feel like the institution of marriage is very archaic.”

So either Ok!’s story is as full of shit as every Goslinger’s chonies were after reading Ok!’s headline or Eva is a liar and a crazy villainess who wants to feed on the pain of the hos who are melting into puddles of desperate sadness over this. Either one is totally possible.

Here’s Eva at Macy’s in L.A. on March 18th and if Ok! is telling the truth, she’s got a 3 month fetus in her body here. Eva is touching her “bump” area. So yeah, RIP humanity. No, I’m sure the Gosling fangirls are throwing a “big deal, bitch” look at Eva, because they get pregnant every time they look at his picture. Bitch ain’t special.

UPDATE: People confirmed that Eva’s knocked up through a source (Hi, Eva’s publicist!).

Pics: Splash

Nicolas Cage Is A Grandpa Now

July 7, 2014 / Posted by:

On July 1st, crazy-faced insanity weasel Nicolas Cage walked into Walgreens, picked up the big bag of Werther’s Originals and one of those wooden beaded car seat covers, tried to pay for his $20 purchase with a handful of 200-year-old Prussian thalers, then drove his 1965 gold-plated Coupe DeVille through the locked gates of his local lawn bowling club, where he proceeded to rip off his shirt, crush butterscotch hard candies into his chest hair, and scream “I AM ONE OF YOU NOW!”.

I’m sure you’re thinking: “So?? Isn’t that what Nic Cage does every day?”, but on this particular day, he was celebrating the birth of his grandson. On July 1st, Nicolas Cage’s equally-crazy son Weston Cage and his wife Danielle became the parents to a baby boy they named Lucian Augustus Coppola Cage. A rep for Weston (so, basically Weston?) told Us Weekly that the baby was born at 3:14pm, that he’s named after Nic’s dad August Cage, and that he came out wearing smudged black eyeliner and giving the sign of the horns. I might have made that last part up, but until I see photographic evidence that it didn’t, I’m choosing to believe newborn Lucian Cage moshed out of Danielle’s uterus to Lamb of God. Prove he didn’t, Weston Cage!

And I can’t wait for 10 years from now when Nicolas Cage is a little older and very much crazier, and he decides to re-create the “Me and Julio” scene from The Royal Tenenbaums. But instead of go-karts and shoplifting chocolate milk, he’ll be teaching little Luci how to put a rattlesnake in a sleeper hold and where to find the best peyote.

Kristen Bell Is Knocked Up With Another Tiny Tummy Sloth

June 23, 2014 / Posted by:

That damn Frozen song must now play on repeat in Kristen Bell’s brain, because it looks like she told Dax Shepard to “Let it go, let it gooooo” instead of “Pull it out, pull it ouuuuut” during fuck times a couple months ago, and now she’s pregnant. A rep for Kristen and Dax (a sloth who started typing up a press release nearly 3 weeks ago) has confirmed to Entertainment Tonight that Kristen is expecting her second child with Frito Pendejo from Idiocracy. Their first baby, Abraham Lincoln Liberty Bell, was born a little over a year ago.

Kristen and Dax have gone hard after paps who take pictures of kids, and they even managed to convince People magazine to stop publishing pictures taken by the “pedorazzi” of chirruns that fell from famous coochies, so LOOK OUT, fetusrazzi, YOU’RE NEXT. Don’t even think of taking a picture of Kristen’s baby bump, you sickos! And speaking of sick, maybe it’s because I spent 2 hours in the Cheesecake Factory yesterday (I took my sister out for a ~classy~ ladies luncheon) but is it totally gross to say that “fetusrazzi” sort of sounds like chicken tetrazzini garnished with a fajita? Is it also wrong to want to eat that delicious-sounding chicken tetrazzini fajita food pile from the Cheesecake Factory? Don’t answer that, I already know the answer.

Kelly Clarkson Is A Mother Now

June 15, 2014 / Posted by:

And now there’s a human on Earth who will one day sit in the front row when From Justin To Kelly is inducted into AFI’s Great American Films of the early 2000s and say, “That was my mom!”

Kelly Clarkson and her husband of almost a year Brandon Blackstock, who kind of looks like a humanized Gummi Bear cartoon character, are parents to a brand new baby daughter. Last year, Kelly let it loudly be known that every night she prayed to the Gods to stick a fetus in her womb. Kelly got her wish, she had a shot gun wedding on a bridge and now she’s a mom. Kelly announced on her Twatter last night that she and Brandon Black Cock got themselves a daughter that they named River Rose. Somebody’s a Dr. Who fan….

Because I’m always think of body fluids, I saw the name “River Rose” and my first thought was that it sounds like something a romantic and poetic hippie would call her period. “Oh, my dandelions, I can’t go skinny dipping with you this afternoon. My river rose is here.

Kelly Clarkson would give her baby the most country and twee-est name ever. River Rose sounds like the name of a forest nymph turned country star who was discovered after someone heard her singing while cleaning her white cotton dresses on the rocks by the river. River Rose also sounds like the name of a cocktail that Cracker Barrel would serve if they served the sweet nectar. That’s probably what Kelly was going for.

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Pam From “The Office” Pulled A Kerry Washington And Secretly Gave Birth 3 Weeks Ago

June 14, 2014 / Posted by:

I just pictured Mugatu responding to this news by saying “Secret babies, so hot right now.” Actress Jenna Fischer and her husband Jim Halpert Lee Kirk have beaten the previous record of 2 weeks set by Kerry Washington for keeping a Hollywood birth a secret by confirming to E! News that Jenna gave birth to the couple’s second baby on May 25th. I’d say it’s incredible that Jenna was able to keep her secret baby a secret for 3 weeks, but it probably has something to do with the fact that she doesn’t seem like a fame-hungry attention-whore type who would “accidentally” leak exclusive pics of her baby popping its head out of her dilated cervix to TMZ (“That’s a good idea; I’ll keep that in mind for when I have a baby” – Kim Kardashian).

As for the name, Jenna and her husband not-Jim Halpert must be big into that Six Flags old-time photo lifestyle, because they named their new baby girl Harper Marie, and they already have a 2-year-old son named Weston Lee. I hope that time travel is invented in the next 20 years, because Harper Marie and Weston Lee need to fulfill their destiny by going back in time and running a rowdy saloon in the Wild West.

Pic: Wenn

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