I interrupt our regularly scheduled programming of you bringing you important Oscars news like what brand of butt plug John Travolta wore last night to tell you that a fetus has moved into ScarJo’s uterus! E! News says that ScarJo made her first fetus friend with her fiancé of 6 months, French journalist type Romain Dauriac whose luxurious hipster cockatoo mane puts half-melted butter on my baguette (and don’t try to visualize that unless you want your brain to quit on you).
TMZ says that the baby who will have to be hooked up to an oxygen mask while breastfeeding to keep from suffocating in ScarJo’s enormous, leche-filled chichis is about 5 months old. So I guess ScarJo and French Josh Hartnett celebrated their engagement the way everyone should celebrate their engagement: by non-stop raw dog boning. This kid will be ScarJo’s first kid and that’s kind of surprising since was she married to Ryan Reynolds. I mean, if you’re married to Ryan Reynolds, what else is there to do besides fuck all the time? It’s not like you’re going to have a conversation with him. You’d poop out a baby every 9 months and you’d have to poop them out since your coochie would be otherwise occupied by Ryan Reynolds’ peen. Duh.
Anyway, congrats ScarJo and the French Josh Hartnett! Congrats to the kinky fanboys with a pregnant fetish who might get to see a knocked up ScarJo in the Black Widow catsuit when Avengers starts filming again! And congrats to ScarJo’s future kid, because that kid already has a line of defense that works in every situation. If ScarJo gets pissed after catching her kid smoking the crack they killed a hobo for, all they have to say, “Well, at least I haven’t fucked Sean Penn.” Bitch can’t say shit to that.
I know someone who has three little boys, and she makes the exact same face Gwen Stefani is making whenever you ask her about having three sons. “Oh, you know, there’s piss all over the bathroom and they won’t stop playing with themselves in public, so yeah – things are great.” Gwen is probably watching one of her boys try to smell his own fart and thinking “Wow. Only 4 more weeks till I have three fart smellers. #blessed”
According to Us Weekly, it’s time to fire your Super Soaker into the air and throw some celebratory Totino’s Pizza Rolls in the microwave (I grew up with a sister, so all my knowledge of brothers is based on television commercials) because Gwen Stefani and husband Gavin Rossdale are now the proud parents of their third son. No word on whether the baby was born with his father’s beautiful frosted ramen noodle hair, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
Gwen and Gavin named their first son something pretty normal (Kingston James McGregor) but went full-Phish fan with the second (Zuma Nesta Rock), so it’s anyone’s guess what they name baby #3. But I’m going to put my money on some kind of tree, followed by the name of a California surf town, then a type of music. Welcome to the world, little Boojum Huntington Ska Rossdale!
UPDATE: I was somewhat close. Gavin Rossdale just tweeted that they named him Apollo Bowie Flynn Rossdale (Bowie and Flynn being their mother’s maiden names). I liked Boojum better, but what can you do. Welcome to the world, baby Apollo!
For the past month or two, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard have become the Norma Raes of paparazzi baby pictures and have gone hard to try to stop the paps (or the #pedorazzi as they call them) from clicking their cameras at chirruns. Kristen and Dax tweeted at magazines and entertainment sites and told them to stop posting and publishing pictures of celebrity kids without their parents’ permission. Entertainment Tonight was the first one to pop up and make the vow to never show paparazzi pics of kids again and now People, which has a whole section devoted to BABIES!!!, and Just Jared, who used to post a lot of celebrity kid pictures, have also joined Kristen and Dax’s cause. Somewhere, Jennifer Garner’s hands have gone clammy and she whispered to herself, “What I do??????“, after realizing that People won’t publish staged pap pictures of her kids during awards season anymore.
The Los Angeles Times says that both People and JJ will only post pictures of kids with their parents at events and pictures from Instagram and photo shoots. Kristen and Dax really went hard after People, because they felt like out of all the celebrity weeklies, People is the “classy” one who keeps their legs closed while wearing a skirt, covers their mouth while burping and dabs the side of their mouth after giving a beej. People’s editorial director Jess Cagle said in a letter that they will also publish “newsworthy” paparazzi pictures of kids (examples: Suri Cruise in flats, any picture of Blue Ivy Carter, etc…) and he went on to burn celeb whores who pimp out their kids one minute and scream for the media to leave their lives alone the next.
Of course, we still run a lot of sanctioned photos – like exclusive baby pictures taken with the cooperation of celebrity parents, and photos of stars posing with their kids at events (like a red carpet) where they’re expecting and willing to be photographed. But we have no interest in running kids’ photos taken under duress. Of course, there may be rare exceptions based on the newsworthiness of photos. And there’s always the tough balancing act we face when dealing with stars who exploit their children one day, and complain about loss of privacy the next
Dax and Kristen celebrated this shit with a tweet:
— dax shepard (@daxshepard1) February 25, 2014
I have three questions:
1. Does this mean this is the end of the hashtag #pedorazzi, because that mess sounds like the worst and most disturbing Las Vegas floor show ever. Chris Hansen Presents Pedorazzi!
2. Does this also mean that People and JJ won’t post paparazzi pictures of overgrown toddlers Justin Bieber and Kanye?
3. And how long do you think it took LeAnn Rimes to email both People and JJ a signed permission slip letting them know it’s okay to post pictures of her “bonus kids” anytime they want?
Alternate title: Nicolas Cage is going to be somebody’s grandpa.
At the Kasem Cares Foundation’s First Annual Fundraiser in Beverly Hills on Saturday night, Weston Cage’s second wife Danielle showed up with a whole lot of fetus in her body and they both let Closer Weekly know that in just a few months a newborn boy is going to open his eyes and see that his father looks like the lowest-rated Khal Drogo impersonator on Yelp. The newborn boy will close his little eyelids hoping that it’s all just a nightmare and when he opens them again, he’ll see the face of his pepaw Nicolas Cage who will probably scream, “NOT THE DROOLZ,” every time he gets the slobbers.
Danielle said that they’re having a boy and they didn’t plan on becoming parents, but they embrace all of it. 23-year-old Weston dribbled this out about his dad’s reaction.
“He was ecstatic. His reaction was one of pure joy and bliss. Family is very important to us. My father and I actually speak everyday and Danielle and I texted him the ultrasound photograph which was actually confirmation of what we thought.”
Nicolas Cage is filled all the way to the top with the crazies, but being his grandchild might be fun for a quick second since he owns a castle (or did the bank snatch that shit away too?) and most of his houses probably look like the Medieval section of the SkyMall catalog took a wet, messy shit on a Medieval Times. And even though Weston Cage got arrested for allegedly drunkenly brawling with his first wife two years ago, buys all of his clothes in the sale section of a Hot Topic, wears more Urban Decay make-up than a 10th grader circa 1999 and can’t even win a fight against his babysitter, maybe being his son won’t be that awful (yes, it will be). Maybe being surrounded by all that fuckery and craziness will make that kid normal. He’s totally going to be the Marilyn of the family.
I don’t know why Danielle and Weston didn’t expect for her to get knocked up after they bareback fucked. I mean, Weston can serve up some hot karate kicking moves, so of course his jizz fish are going to karate kick into any ovary egg they come in contact with.
Xtina can free herself from the cocoon of Spanx that her body’s trapped in and she can stop eating only calorie-free air to stay skinny, because a fetus has moved into her uterus. Xtina’s piece (who has “Xtina’s piece” listed as his current job title on LinkedIn) of around 4 years Matt Rutler hasn’t had a job in years, but that doesn’t mean his jizz fish are lying around leisurely drinking afternoon martinis on her dime. They actually got up and did some work. Just a few days after Xtina showed off the engagement ring that her own personal KFed bought her with her AMEX card, People has announced that she’s knocked up with her second child. Pregnantina is back!
Aguilera, 33, and Rutler, 29, a film producer, are set to welcome their first child together, PEOPLE confirms.
“They’re very much in love and are really excited to take this next step!” a source close to the pair tells PEOPLE.
Xtina has a 6-year-old son named Max with her Bat Boy-looking ass ex-husband Jordan Bratman.
Matt Rutler is truly living the gold digging dream without even trying. I don’t even think he speaks. All he does is sit there and listen to Xtina burp up at the mouth about herself while her assistants roll lead-based orange paint all over her body and then they get a quickie in as she drinks from the vodka faucet next to her bed. I don’t even think Xtina has ever heard him talk. If he ever does spit out a word, it’s going to be like the time we heard Maggie Simpson talk for the first time. It’s going to be really anticipated and he’s going to sound like Elizabeth Taylor. But yet he managed to get Xtina to marry him and knock her up. Now he’s set for life, unless Xtina has a girl and blows all her money on baby Bronzer and Herve Leger bandage onesies, which is totally possible.
(For immediate release courtesy of the Church of $cientology)
PLEASE WELCOME OUR NEWEST LITTLE BUNDLE OF THETANS! Level 12 Scientology wizard Danny Masterson and his wife, Level 10 Scientology elf Bijou Phillips, are pleased to announce they are now the proud parents of a new baby girl. Mommy and Daddy are doing fine (praise Xenu) but baby has already given an off-the-charts E-meter reading that tells us she desperately needs 50 CC’s of barely water and the teachings of My First Dianetics to help her walk on the path of happiness.
That’s where I stop writing jokes about Scientology, because I’m afraid I’ll get a knock at my door and two men with lifts in their shoes will escort me to a “party” being thrown by Shelly Miscavige and Katie Holmes’s whistleblowing prepaid cell phone. On Valentine’s Day, Forever Hyde’s wife Bijou birthed out a baby friend and today he uploaded this photo of the two of them taking a nap to Instagram with the caption:
Hello friends. Beyond thrilled to announce The birth of our daughter Fianna Francis Masterson! Mom and baby are doing amazing. You can all refer to me as dj dadpants from now on.
Even though Fianna sounds like the name of Shrek’s deadbeat sister-in-law who’s always pressuring him to invest in her online scrapbooking business, I applaud these two for dealing her half a hand with Francis (and also because I’m a sucker for a good Malcolm in the Middle reference). So congratulations Bijou and Danny! And prepare yourselves for 16 years in the future when Wilmer Valderama shows up on your doorstep with a 6-pack of beer asking “Hey guys, is Fianna home?”
Jason Biggs’ wife Jenny Mollen has written about the time her and her husband got a prostitution whore in Las Vegas and she’s tweeted a pic of his ass crack becoming one with nature (and becoming one with ants who were looking for a nice, gushy pied-a-terre to stay in), and so of course when it came time for their baby to make an appearance, they documented all of it and burped it up on Instagram. On Jenny Mollen’s Instagram page are video after video of her in labor and I watched all of them. I can close my eyes and go to sleep, because I’ve seen a Kardashian in labor and I’ve seen Jason Biggs’ wife in labor. What more is there to see? Jenny gave birth three days ago in L.A. and she announced the birth and name of their son on Twitter today.
Sid Biggs. Full head of hair, huge penis, 10k twitter followers. #babybiggs
Sid Biggs sounds like the name of a used car salesman turned amateur Miami-area rapper or like the name of a mob boss on Grand Theft Auto. I like it. And Sid Biggs hasn’t even been out of his mom’s body for a week and she’s already talking about his penis to everybody. Sid Biggs has a long road of fuckery ahead of him. At first, I looked at that picture and thought he was just hanging out and getting acquainted with the world after the trauma of birth. But after reading her tweet, it’s pretty obvious that he’s thinking to himself, “Well, well, well, the fuck did I get myself into?”
(Pic via UsWeekly)
You know, I think I bought two Blunt Krasinskis at the weed shop a few weeks ago.
Emily Blunt, the chick that I always look at and say, “You fucked Michael Buble once,” and John Krasinski are new brand parents. Emily birthed out their first kid, a girl, today. Julia Roberts might be feeling extra smug and is basking in the glory of the impact of her baby name choices, because Emily and John named their kid Hazel. Maybe they’re just really big Shirley Booth fans. John Twatted about their kid today:
Wanted to let the news out directly. Emily and I are so incredibly happy to welcome our daughter Hazel into the world today! Happy bday!
— John Krasinski (@johnkrasinski) February 16, 2014
HAZEL! I guess the whole “giving your kid a name that sounds like the name of a country mouse in a Beatrix Potter book” trend is never going to end. Slap me with a wet hand if you have to, but I kind of like the name Hazel paired with their last names. Hazel Blunt Krasinski sounds like the name a Polish mobster’s elderly NOT THE ONE mom who lets her son use her meat market as a front for his money laundering operation. Hazel Blunt Krasinski is always wearing baggy hose and she hasn’t smiled since the 1960s. But I hope she just goes by Hazel Blunt, because I’ve definitely bought at least two Hazel Blunts from my weed shop and Hazel Blunt sounds like the name of a white British lady rapper. They should call her Haze Blunt for short. I totally got high just from typing that name.
If you’re having a hard time finding Botox in the L.A. area, you now know the reason why. Megan Fox recently birthed out her second child, so her Pillow People face and the Botox needle have reunited and they will not leave each other’s side for a while. I know it’s my job (Ha, I just called this job) to know which celebwhores, from A to Zzz-list, have a case of the BABIES!!!, but the memory of the greatest philosopher of our time being knocked up with a baby silver fox must’ve been deleted from my brain, because I totally forgot until I read the news last night. Too Fab says that the third spawn of David Silver has arrived, but that’s the only detail they’ve got.
This is the second boy for the couple, who welcomed son Noah in September 2012, and the third son for Green — who also has 11-year-old Kassius with ex Vanessa Marcil.
No other details about the baby were immediately made available.
How rude and selfish of Megan and Brian Austin Green to leak the news of their baby being born to Too Fab without even hinting at what that kid’s name is. That’s really the only thing anybody cares about. We can figure this out. Megan and BAG named their first son Noah, because their souls get the tingles for Jesus and a crucifix hangs right next to her cover of Maxim. So they’ll either give him another bible name (fingers crossed for James the Just or Maher-shalal-hash-baz) or she’ll name him Fillers after her favorite spiritual pick-me-and-my-face-up.
And Megan got knocked up six seconds after giving birth to her first kid, so they probably haven’t gotten around to naming their second one, because his wet burrito peen (it wouldn’t be a BAG post without linking to that picture) is busy boning a third baby into her.
I keep refreshing People to see if John Travolta has finally and proudly declared that he loves a hard dick on his tongue and when I’m not doing that I’m refreshing TMZ to see if Lindsay Lohan was named Sober Inspiration of the Year by AA, because anything and everything is possible now that Lil’ Kim is knocked up.
At The Blonds fashion show in NYC last night, the gorgeous Etsy Jocelyn Wildenstein doll that was accidentally thrown in the dryer sashayed on through with a bump on her body and most people figured that one of the six DuPont brand titty sacks that she has in her chest slid down her body and got stuck in her gut. But nope, in a few months a real-life human baby will be pulled out of Lil’ Kim’s body and every shade of confusion will cover its face when it wonders why its mom looks like a warped plastic DVD cover of ThunderCats – Season 2 – Volume 2. UsWeekly says that at the after-party for The Blonds’ show, Lil’ Kim told everyone that a Lil’ Kitty is growing in her uterus:
“I’m a mom, but I can turn it up a little! I’m still going to work. I’m still going to be hardcore. The baby has made me even more of a beast!”
Um, I don’t think her unborn baby’s the reason why Kim looks like a Korean man in make-up as the second title role in a remake of Beauty and the Beast. The strip mall plastic surgeon/wax figure artist/potter who Kim pays through PayPal gets all the credit for that.
But jokes about Kim’s Get Along Gang face aside, this is good news! Kim will probably take us all higher when she gives her baby a truly “the fuck?” name and we’ll all get to see what original recipe Kim looked like when her pregnancy face swells back into the early 90s.