About one month ago, Janet Jackson pissed off some of her fans when she postponed her “Unbreakable” world tour under doctor’s orders. Janet Jackson will postpone a tour over a damn hangnail, but her excuse was that she and her billionaire piece husband, Wissam Al Mana, are planning their family. Everyone took “planning a family” to mean that they were either working on adopting a kid, trying to make a baby or one checked into her fetus baking bag. Well, a “source” confirms to Entertainment Tonight that Janet, who turns 50 in less than 2 weeks, is knocked up. UsWeekly also confirmed the news through a difference source (aka the intern who read Entertainment Tonight’s piece on the Internet).
There’s really no other details and Janet hasn’t said shit about this.
Being pregnant at any age seem hard, but pregnant at 50 seems like hard on top of hard. Janet is married to a billionaire, so she’ll be fine, I’m sure. Janet won’t have to walk because her minions will carry her around on a swan feather-stuffed satin mattress on a solid gold bed. And if she gets a craving for pickles dipped in ice cream and rolled in crushed potato chips (that’s whatever every knocked up lady craves, right?), she just has to snap her fingers and a maid will hand feed them to her while wearing a white glove.
Congrats to the unborn baby who will have La Toya Jackson as a tia! Congrats to JJ! Congrats to Wissam! And congrats to Janet Jackson’s secret daughter Renee for becoming a sister again! Yes, I will forever be a DeBargeJacksonSecretChild truther.
Grab a pencil or slip off your Avon Wrist-Writer, because it’s time to add yet another name to April’s ever-growing list of pregnant famous people. Joining Megan Fox, Blake Lively, and Eva Mendes in the “My body’s got another baby growing in it” club is Olivia Wilde. Pop a bottle of sparkling breast milk and celebrate!
Olivia announced that Jason Sudeikis had knocked her up a second time by throwing up a picture of her and their almost 2-year-old son Otis to Instagram with the caption: “Matching baby bumps.” Olivia and Jason’s rep also confirmed it to People. When asked for comment, the Xander Jones Daddy Truthers replied that they can’t wait to meticulously cross-reference a new set of baby pictures.
I have mentioned before that there’s no celebrity baby name more challenging for my lispy ass to say than Otis Sudeikis. So my mouth will be playing on expert-level if Olivia and Jason name this next baby something like Thaddeus or Stacy. With that being said, Thaddeus and Stacy aren’t nearly Brooklyn-y sounding. If they really want their kids to sound like the future owners of a cold-brewed small-batch coffee company, they’re going to want to go with something like Gus or Hazel. But really, who cares? They’re obviously going to pay tribute to the cutest inter-species buddy adventure ever made by naming this next baby Milo.
Here are some pictures of Olivia on a beach in Hawaii yesterday. Even though I know for a fact that she’s pregnant, I’m still looking at these pics like “I dunno, maybe it’s just the overalls.” Overalls will always make you second-guess yourself with their wide angles. That’s some denim trompe l’oeil trickery.
Spring is here! Mostly. The season of renewal and birth and Jesus rising from the dead to devour the brains of the faithful. Don’t quote me on that. Naturally, spring is the perfect time to debut the season’s hottest accessory, a baby! A baby will dress up any ensemble. With puke. Or pee. And people will be coming up to you everywhere you go. Strangers. To touch your precious new baby and ask you questions about it. Well, Chrissy Teigen and John Legend got on the wait list and have now received their new baby.
Chrissy and John both announced the birth of their daughter, Luna Simone Stephens, on social media this morning, via People. Chrissy chose Instagram – that’s the one for girls, so it makes sense – and John broed out and went with Twitter. Chrissy shared a snap of the baby’s weight:
And John tweeted:
Our new love is here! Luna Simone Stephens, born on Thursday, the 14th. We couldn’t be happier!
— John Legend (@johnlegend) April 17, 2016
Chrissy told the world she was pregnant back in October as well as that she was going through IVF to have it. Then in February she went into more detail and said she had chosen a girl embryo to be implanted into the lady computer that turns eggs into babies through photosynthesis. And now Luna Simone is here. On the celebrity baby name scale, this is kind of tame. I mean, it actually sounds like a name, so the kid is already lucky. And Chrissy Teigen is lucky, because now she has someone to hold her purse when she gets into another Twitter brawl.
(Note from Michael: And I thank Chrissy and John for not ruining my Sunday by burping up the words “We’re Over The Luna!” in their birth announcements.)
As little Beauregard Cotton Reynolds (I’m guessing that’s the name they’re going with) grows inside of Blake Lively’s body and little David Silver II grows inside of Megan Fox’s body, a second child is maybe-growing inside of Eva Mendes’ body. The CASE OF THE BABIES is hitting everyone in Hollywood. There must be something in the water and that something must be jizz. Now that I mention it, the water in L.A. has been smelling like bleach and tasting like lukewarm egg whites lately. The L.A. County water district should sweeten it up a bit by adding pineapple extract.
UsWeekly has heard from multiple orgasms (for real typo and it stays) that 35-year-old Ryan Gosling humped another GosBaby into his 42-year-old piece of 5 years Eva Mendes. They don’t have any other details other than that Eva was trying to hide her baby-growing-area during a photo shoot a couple of months ago.
Eva Mendes has another bun in the oven! Multiple sources confirm exclusively to Us Weekly that the actress and her longtime boyfriend, Ryan Gosling, are expecting their second child together.
According to a source, the mom of daughter Esmeralda, 17 months, was spotted hiding her burgeoning bump during a photo shoot in Los Angeles in February.
Since their daughter’s name is Esmerelda, I’m going to place a bet on them naming their second child….wait for it….wait for it….Quasimodo! No, they’ll name it Marlon Brando Jr.
Eva and Ryan almost always have a “privacy please” sign hanging over the door to their lives, so they’ll probably never confirm this news. They didn’t really confirm it the first time. I get it, but can they stop being ~ohsoprivate~ and selfish for a second to pose for pictures at an event together? Because every time there’s news about them, I have to use the same damn picture of her looking like a bootleg Norma Desmond and him looking ten layers of stoned.
And it seems like all of the Ryans in Hollywood are having babies, so I bet Ryan Seacrest just felt a kick in his stomach. I hope Simon Cowell’s the daddy!
When a bunch of pictures hit the internet of Blake Lively looking a little swollen in the stomach area while reshooting scenes for The Shallows in Malibu yesterday, it could only mean one of two things. Either she’d treated herself to too much hand-made plantation-style huckleberry pie from the icebox the night before, or Ryan Reynolds had busted a BC nut into his wife’s business. Well, according to People, it’s the second one. A source confirms to People that Blake is pregnant with their second child. The source adds that both Blake and Ryan are “absolutely thrilled.” Blake and Ryan already have a one-year-old girl named James.
People reached out to Blake and Ryan’s people to see if they had anything to say about Blake’s baby situation, but they had no comment. I’m sure when the time is right, she’ll announce it in her own way. What way that is, I have no idea. Blake announced her first pregnancy by posting a filtered-to-hell-and-back picture of her baby bump on her lifestyle website, Preserve.us. But the corpse of Preserve.us was buried in the website graveyard back in September, so I don’t know what she’ll do this time. Maybe she’s working on an old-timey pregnancy announcement iPhone app called Over Yonder Moon that sends everyone in your contacts a sepia-toned sonogram picture.
This would usually be where I’d start speculating what kind of historic-sounding name Blake will give her new baby. But since I can’t do any better than Kelly Clarkson today, I’m going to guess what kind of insufferable food cravings she’ll get this time around instead. The last time it was hand-churned pumpkin-flavored ice cream and small-batch pickles. This time I’m going to say Ryan will be running out in the middle of the night for cold-brewed turmeric tonic and something that was baked in a stone hearth.
Here’s more of Blake doing reshoots for The Shallows. I do appreciate how Blake is wearing a robe tied around her waist that says both “There’s no baby in here” and “There is definitely a baby here.”
Kelly Clarkson, one-half of the greatest on-screen pairing in one of cinema’s greatest masterpieces, finally gave birth to that baby that was living inside her. It felt like Kelly had been pregnant with her second for years. When she appeared on American Idol back in February, I was sure her performance was going to end with Harry Connick Jr. slipping into his doctor costume from the Lifetime movie Living Proof and delivering her baby on stage while her husband Brandon Blackstock cheered them on from the audience. But her baby still had some time to go, and he popped out two days ago. Kelly confirmed the arrival of her baby boy, Remington Alexander Blackstock, earlier today on Twitter.
Our little baby boy has arrived!! Remington Alexander Blackstock was born 4/12/16 & he is healthy & we couldn't be happier or more in love!
— Kelly Clarkson (@kelly_clarkson) April 14, 2016
Kelly and Brandon’s new baby joins their almost 2-year-old daughter River Rose. This also means that sassy lil’ Oklahoma gingersnap Reba McEntire is an honorary memaw again. Reba was Brandon’s step-mama for 26 years, and they’re still close. So congratulations, Remington – you won the baby lottery. You’ll be able fall asleep to Saturday afternoon reruns of Reba with the star of Reba.
As for that name. Kelly is a Texas girl through and through, so it’s sort of fitting that she named her son after America’s oldest gun brand. The only thing more Texas would be if she named her son Roadhouse, or the sound of truck tires squealing. Not to mention just how much more Texas-y it sounds when you put it with his big sister’s name. River & Remington sounds like a company that sells custom-made mechanical bulls for country bars, or Tami Taylor’s favorite rhinestone-covered purse store.
Earlier today, it was reported that living Madame Tussauds waxwork Megan Fox was knocked up with her third child, and there was a big question mark as to who the daddy was. Like Michael K, I also figured it was one of the Ninja Turtles. Although my guess was Leonardo, since he totally seems like the irresponsible type who would fall asleep during Splinter’s “always use condoms” talk. Sadly, it’s time to pour one out for the scandalous celebrity paternity drama that never was, because E! News says that Brian Austin Green is the daddy.
Megan and Brian Austin Green ended their marriage ten months ago, but apparently that didn’t necessarily prevent them doing it again. Several sources have confirmed to E! that BAG is responsible for the baby in Megan’s body. We might not get any crazy custody drama either; another source claims Megan and Brian have hit the snooze button on their divorce and are staying together for now. The source adds that Brian really loves being a daddy, and that both he and Megan were “very happy” to find out she was pregnant.
Megan herself hasn’t said whether or not Brian is the father of her third baby, but she did post this picture on Instagram to show whose name wouldn’t be written on the birth certificate.
Okay, so those of you who called up your baby daddy bookie and put $20 on Shia LaBeouf, Will Arnett, or Nick Miller from New Girl, well – you’re out $20. And until we hear it from Megan, we still don’t know for sure who the daddy is. All I know for sure is that it’s a good thing Megan got knocked up before she turned 30, otherwise she’d have to go back to Bible times and get her old lady pregnancy tips from Abraham’s wife Sarah.
When Megan Fox strutted out onto the stage at CinemaCon in Las Vegas last night to promote that dried-up piece of reptile shit Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds #2: Ruining Your Childhood Yet Again, many people’s brains spit up a “HUH?” No, they weren’t huh-ing over her face looking more and more like a rubber Michael Jackson mask that was accidentally thrown into the dryer. They were huh-ing over her baby growing area looking like a baby is growing in there. Now, whenever I go to Las Vegas, I end up with a Megan Fox bump after using my day pass at the Luxor buffet for the 4th time. But Megan is definitely growing another Fox baby in there.
On March 24th, the lights of a delivery room in a hospital in L.A. somewhere were dimmed as two nurses appeared and pulled open a red velvet curtain, revealing Oscar winner Anne Hathaway (again, I’m legally obligated to type “Oscar winner Anne Hathaway”) lying on a bed in a cotton gown. While a spotlight illuminated her gorgeous Oscar-winning face, Anne sang “I Dreamed A Dream” from Les Miserables and as she sang, she pushed and continued to push until her son popped out of her Oscar-winning vagine. Anne’s baby son didn’t cry, because like everyone else in the room, he wanted to clearly hear every gorgeous note coming out of his Oscar-winning mother’s Oscar-winning mouth. When the doctor tried to cut the umbilical cord, Anne waved him away. Anne then yodeled out a note that was so powerful that it broke her son’s umbilical cord in two and she held him as she finished the song. The nurses gave her a standing and the doctors threw roses at her. That is how Oscar winner Anne Hathaway gives birth! If only they gave out Oscars for Best Births…
E! News says that Anne and her husband Adam Schulman (who, to me, always looks like Ryan Gosling as drawn by the dude who drew the Popeye cartoon) are now parents to a baby boy. Like Allison, I guessed that Anne would name her kid Oscar, because she’d love seeing the headlines: “Anne Hathaway Has Another Oscar!” My second guess was Judy. But Anne and Adam didn’t name their son Oscar or Judy:
Anne Hathaway has given birth to her first child with husband Adam Shulman. The two welcomed a baby boy named Jonathan Rosebanks Shulman early on March 24 in Los Angeles, E! News has learned exclusively.
That name is pretty normal, but that name is still all Anne to me. Jonathan Rosebanks sounds like the name of a seasoned Vaudeville star who moved to Hollywood in the 1920s and became a silent movie star and eventually became an even bigger star in the talkies! I bet Jonathan Rosebanks broke Norma Desmond’s heart and got kicked out of the Roosevelt Hotel after getting into a fight with Buster Keaton. That name is theater! It’s perfect.
Here’s Adam and Anne going for a hike just 12 days before she gave birth like nobody has ever given birth before!
And now for some news that will drag you back to the mid-90s and make you feel all kinds of old. Tatyana Ali, Will’s baby cousin Ashley Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and the star of one of my favorite music videos featuring an airport passenger drop off, recently confirmed to Entertainment Tonight that she’s knocked-up. For those of you shouting “But Ashley’s too young to have a baby with Derek!” (so basically me, and maybe two other people), Tatyana is 37 and the daddy is her fiance, Dr. Vaughn Rasberry. That might be the most perfect name I have ever heard in my life. I bet daytime soap operas are fighting over the rights to his name as we speak.
As for where Tatyana and Dr. Rasberry met, she says they hooked up on eHarmony. They plan on getting married later this summer, and say that they want their wedding ceremony to “really celebrate our newest blessing.” I know the “blessing” Tatyana is referring to is probably the baby growing inside her. But I like to think the real blessing here is how glamorous she’ll sound introducing herself to people if she decides to take her husband’s last name. “Mrs. Tatyana Rasberry” is like a pageant queen, a perfume tycoon, and a prize-winning show poodle, all rolled into one glamorous being. That name is truly a precious gift from angels above.
As for that baby, Tatyana doesn’t say when it’s due or what she’s having. But again, with a last name like Rasberry, I hope they choose something really good to go with it. Personally, I’m partial to Blue Rasberry; it’s classy, it works for a boy or a girl, and who wouldn’t want to be named after the second-best Jolly Rancher flavor?
And because you can’t bring up Fresh Prince without mentioning the Fresh Prince himself, here’s Will Smith looking like Ashley, Carlton, and Hilary’s hipster cousin from Portland (Salinger Banks) while shooting a movie with Keira Knightley in New York this week.