The next time The Rolling Stones do another big tour, the dressing rooms will be filled with more whining, slobbering and cries for a diaper change than usual. 69-year-old picked zombie Ronnie Wood welcomed a double bundle of baby into his life just a couple of months ago. And now, Mick Jagger’s 72-year-old baby-making parts are feeling real proud of themselves today, because they still got the stuff that can knock a trick up.
Another day, another baby announcement! Babies are like Pokemons – they’re everywhere, and just so hot this summer. So this time the baby in question belongs to Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa Bryant. People says that Kobe announced on Instagram yesterday that Vanessa is knocked up. It also means she’s secured herself a third child support check in the event they ever go through with a divorce. Congrats, Vanessa!
Baby Mamba totally sounds like a class you drop your infant off at while you go to Zumba. Kobe doesn’t say when Baby Mamba is due, but she will be Kobe and Vanessa’s third daughter. They already have a 13-year-old named Natalia Diamante and a 10-year-old named Gianna Maria-Onore. I’m sure there will be some people out there who see that massive lapse in time since Vanessa’s last pregnancy and whisper “band-aid baby“, but no! Stop being a hater! The only thing Vanessa loves more than collecting expensive-ass handbags and apology joo-ree is hanging out with her kids. Besides, it’s not that strange to wait ten years to get knocked up, especially when you’re married to Kobe. It probably takes that long to catch him on a night where he hasn’t already emptied the contents of his balls into someone else.
It feels like everyone has had a baby this summer. But especially people who were big in the early-to-mid 2000s. Nicky Hilton had a baby. Audrina Patridge had a baby. Norah Jones had a baby. And now we can add Liv Tyler’s name to that list. Yes, technically Empire Records and the music video for “Crazy” qualify her for A+ list status in every decade for the rest of time. But I’m adding her to that group above solely because I think we can all remember the years between 2001 and 2003 when everyone with a long brown wig dressed up as Arwen from Lord of the Rings for Halloween.
But back to that baby. 39-year-old Liv announced on Instagram yesterday that she had recently given birth to the baby put inside her by her fiancé, David Gardner.
Lula Rose is Liv’s third kid. She and David already have a 17-month-old son named Sailor Gene. Liv also has an 11-year-old son named Milo that she made with her ex-husband Royston Langdon.
Liv seems relatively normal for a famous person. But she was made when a groupie-model mated with Steven Tyler, which kind of explains those baby names. Milo, Sailor, and Lula all sound like people you meet backstage at an Aerosmith concert. Milo is the guy who makes sure Steven’s scarves are tied properly to his microphone stand and that he has enough calcium chews in his dressing room. Sailor is the roadie who tunes the guitars and takes quick 10-minute naps on the toilet. Lula is in charge of making sure the venue has provided everything on Steven’s diva dogs’ rider. “Beggin Strips? Steven’s dogs specifically asked for Snausages.”
Which means Paris Hilton is an aunt now. Ah, the wisdom and guidance she’ll pass down to her little niece. “Always remember: you’ll take many mug shots, but the first one is always the most special, so make sure it’s a hot one. Also, never ingest the bubbles at a foam party. Just trust me, don’t do it.”
As mentioned above, Nicky Hilton – sorry, Nicky Rothschild – finally gave birth to the baby she was pregnant with, and Entertainment Tonight says it’s a little girl. A source tells ET that 32-year-old Nicky gave birth this morning while “surrounded by family” (that sounds…fun). She and her rich British husband James Rothschild named their new baby Lily Grace Victoria Rothschild.
That name doesn’t surprise me much; it’s pretty much what I’d expect two rich people to name their kid. Lily Grace Victoria sounds like a child whose bedroom walls are covered with horse jumping ribbons and sleeps in a queen-sized canopy bed. Lily Grace Victoria Rothschild is only hours old, but I feel like she’s already sent a Mason Pearson hairbrush to Eloise at The Plaza with hand-written message on personalized stationary that says “Tell your nanny to use this, you look positively dreadful.”
What I’m more interested in is what Lily Grace Victoria will call Paris Hilton. Auntie Paris? Aunt Paris? Auntie Pee Pee? No, that’s more of a nickname for Paris’ old assistant. Maybe she’ll let her call her Winky. I like that one.
Here’s Nicky Hilton strolling around New York yesterday. Literally 24 hours later, she was giving birth. I’m going to keep that in mind the next time I eat too much at Taco Bell and am too lazy to get off the couch to throw out the wrappers. “If a 9-months knocked up Nicky Hilton can cruise around New York in 87 degree heat, you sure as hell can get your ass up and walk to the garbage.”
Everything I know about being pregnant has come from movies and television, and one thing that I always remember is from Full House when a knocked up Aunt Becky put headphones on her stomach. I guess so that her and Uncle Jesse’s spawn would be into music or something? What I’m trying to get at is, it’s my understanding that when you’re pregnant, you can teach babies to like stuff while they’re still in the womb. Courtney Stodden obviously thinks this too. Yesterday she strutted around in some truly elegant maternity wear for the paps, in what is clearly an attempt to teach the baby living inside her what getting attention is. Like mommy, like baby!
Courtney and a friend were papped “shopping” for maternity clothes at A Pea in the Pod. I say “shopping“, because there’s no way Courtney actually found anything she wanted to buy in there. The last time I checked, A Pea in the Pod didn’t carry second-trimester g-strings, latex tube tops, or pregnancy-safe coochie glitter. Once again, Courtney is showing her baby how it’s done. You don’t need a good reason to call the paps, you just need a reason.
The teaching continued inside the store, when Courtney’s friend gave a master class in, well, class, by stripping down to her underwear and bending over for the paps.
Unfortunately, I think the in utero lessons only apply when it’s your baby. Nice try though, Courtney’s friend. Here’s more of a pregnant Courtney working her baby bump in some truly gorgeous heels for the paps yesterday.
May 15. Mark it. Take note. That’s the day I told you all that the warm months mean nothing but babies. Babies! There are so many people in the world already, but that doesn’t stop people from humping on each other when it’s cold out and unleashing masses of wee ones unto the rest of us once it’s warm out. Yesterday brought news of a witch baby. If Starbucks still sold CDs (why is life so cruel?!), today we’d probably get a Norah Jones mini disc with our Best of Norah Jones CD, because she’s given birth to her second child.
Norah’s reps have confirmed to UsWeekly that she welcomed baby No. 2. Norah is famously discreet about her personal life, so there’s no word on what this baby’s sex or name is. Norah has also never publicly disclosed the identity of her musician partner or their first son’s name. I’m going to assume that they’re named Grande, Tall, and Short for the new one, for the sake of speculation.
Norah has on occasion Instagrammed photos of her first son, but never anything where his face is visible. The closest we got to that was this Christmas shot. But who’s to say that’s even her baby? However, if it is, we can safely assume that he has two eyes, a nose and a mouth. Ha! We got something on him, Norah! But let’s not shade where shade is not due. Good for her keeping shit on the DL if that’s what she wants to do. People like Backdoor Farrah might want to take a page out of Norah’s parenting book.
Congrats, Norah! May little No Name 1 and 2 stay out of the spotlight and prosper.
This is one that will either elicit a “The lady from The Mentalist had a kid?” or “OMG Sarah Bailey from The Craft had a kid!” I’m in the latter category, so excuse me while I get excited for Sarah Bailey’s big news.
Robin Tunney, aka Sarah from The Craft and Debra from Empire Records, is a first-time mom. 44-year-old Robin announced the news yesterday on Instagram that she had recently given birth to a baby boy that was put inside her by her fiancé Nicky Marmet. The photographer who took her baby’s picture confirmed that her baby’s birthday happened around two weeks ago. Oooh, do I smell another secret baby? Actually, this seems more like an “I was waiting to find the right baby basket for his first newborn photoshoot” situation.
Robin isn’t kidding. She kept very hush about being pregnant; someone else actually announced her pregnancy for her. Which is sad, really, because I believe legend has it that every time a famous person gets knocked up and doesn’t Instagram a picture of the piss stick with the hashtag #ClearblueConfirmed, a celebrity angel loses its private cloud booth in Heaven’s equivalent of The Nice Guy.
Onto that baby’s name! As you can see above, Robin didn’t pay tribute to the two greatest credits on her IMDB page by naming her baby Manon or Shockmi. Robin and Nicky named their new baby Oscar Holly. Oscar is pretty normal. But Holly? That’s an odd choice. And you know it’s bound to be something little Oscar gets real tired of quickly around the holidays. “Oh look, you brought me a sprig of holly…because my middle name is Holly. You know, I think I mention this every year, but I’m really more of a mistletoe person.”
Despite the fact that I know it’s physically impossible for a human woman to carry a baby for more than 9-ish months, it honestly feels like Emily Blunt was pregnant for at least two years. She was very knocked-up while promoting The Huntsman: Winter’s War, which again, feels like it happened last year, but apparently that was only back in April. Regardless of the black hole that is my memory, Emily Blunt finally gave birth to the second baby she made with John Krasinski.
Just like the first time they announced they had made a baby, Jim from The Office confirmed the news yesterday on Twitter. Apparently Emily popped out Baby Blunt two weeks ago. I don’t know if that’s technically long enough to consider this a “secret baby” situation. I’ll have to double check with the Secret Celebrity Baby Manual.
What better way to celebrate the 4th… than to announce our 4th family member!!! 2 weeks ago we met our beautiful daughter Violet #Happy4th
— John Krasinski (@johnkrasinski) July 4, 2016
New baby Violet Krasinski is Emily and John’s second daughter. They already have a 2-year-old daughter named Hazel.
Emily Blunt is going to play Mary Poppins in an upcoming movie. So it’s sort of fitting that her kids would sound like Jane and Michael Banks’even-wealthier cousins from the English countryside who look down on their city cousins for having a nanny that fell randomly from the sky and bangs the dude who cleans their chimney. However, on the Famous Baby Name scale, Hazel and Violet are pretty normal. Yes, they sound like two color options on a services list at a Tumblr-inspired salon on Melrose that only does pastel hair jobs and nose rings (free tattoo choker with every piercing). But when you’re dealing with options that include “Steak” or “Ode Mountain” or “Juppiter“, Hazel and Violet are practically Ella and Madison.
Someone is fucking with me! It’s been weekend after weekend of goddamn baby announcements. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate babies (I do), but could these famous people try and push one out or announce the arrival on a weekday? Michael K and Allison aren’t plagued with the baby talk so why should I be?! Anyway, at least this baby takes us back to one of the eras I enjoy the most, 2006. Audrina “Ceiling Eyes” Patridge of The Hills, the scripted soap opera about the lives of pieces of cardboard, has given birth to a baby girl.
Audrina and her fiancé, Corey Bohan – which sounds like the French version of Cody Lohan to me – announced back in December that there was a lil’ ol’ fetus in her uterus. And now they have welcomed their first child, Kirra Max Bohan. Reps for Audrina (she still has reps? what?) confirmed to People that Kirra made her first appearance yesterday morning. They went on to say, “she’s perfectly healthy and Mom is doing great.”
Audrina made the announcement of being knocked up on Instagram with a post sponsored by Clearblue, because that is the world we live in. Last week she used Instagram again to talk about how she’ll miss having a baby growing in her:
It’s going to be weird not having a belly soon or feeling little kicks punches and hiccups allll the time, I’m so used to it now and am loving it. I’ve had a pretty good pregnancy so I’m very thankful for that and also for good genes…. Just gotta get her to flip!! I’ll post a prego update blog for all my fellow prego girls out there:)! (thanks @enviedefraise for my cute dress)
She managed to get in a plug for her dress, but I really feel like she missed an opportunity for a bigger catch with the phrase “prego girls“. There’s money to be made in pasta sauce, Audrina!
By Hollywood baby name standards, Kirra is pretty normal and isn’t even a conversation piece. But Audrina has always been the most basic of the bunch and that has paid off for little Kirra. I mean, at least she doesn’t have a name like Saylor. So congrats, Kirra!
But unlike the Judd Apatow movie she starred in almost ten years ago, this knocked up experience won’t end with Katherine Heigl publicly shitting all over the people she worked on it with. It will end with a baby!
37-year-old Katherine and her 34-year-old husband Josh Kelley released a statement to People magazine confirming the news. If you thought Katherine Heigl was bad, just wait for raging pregnancy hormones Katherine Heigl!
The Kelley clan is thrilled to announce that we are expecting a third addition to our family. This is an incredibly exciting time for us filled with hope, anticipation, and hormones. Well, only I’m filled with hormones, but everyone in the family gets to enjoy them. We couldn’t be more excited to be able to finally share this news with our fans and are looking forward to continuing to share the journey with you all.
As mentioned above in their statement, Katherine and Josh already have two daughters. Back in 2009, Katherine and Josh adopted a little girl from Korea they named Naleigh Moon. Three years later they adopted another little girl from Louisiana they named Adelaide Marie Hope.
Katherine and Josh tell People that this new baby will be a boy and he’s due in January. Now let’s guess Baby Heigl-Kelly’s name, shall we? Katherine explained long ago that “Naleigh” was a name her older sister Margaret created by mashing together their mom’s name (Nancy) with her middle name (Leigh). Maybe they’ll combine Katherine and Josh’s first names, like Jorine or Kash. Personally I like Kash. It will make for a funny joke the next time her agent books her another kitty litter commercial. “I’ll do it, but not for the money. I already have all the Kash I need. Lolololol but seriously, how much does that litter commercial pay.”
Here are some pictures of the Kitty Litter Kween eating a granola bar and wearing a baggy bump-hiding shirt at LAX last month.