According to Us Weekly, those high-pitched tear-soaked screams you’re hearing just now are coming from the thousands of Gal-slings (lady Ryan Gosling fans) after they received the news that Eva Mendes was actually for-real pregnant with Ryan’s baby, and it wasn’t, in fact, just a cruel prank being played on them by that dark-sided man-stealing hussy. Multiple sources have confirmed to Us Weekly that Eva gave birth to a baby girl on Friday. Nothing else about the baby is known, so for now we shall call it BABY GOOSE.
Eva tried to keep Baby Goose a secret for most of her pregnancy; she never really admitted that she was knocked-up (Ellen did that for her) and the last time she was seen in public was more than three months ago. But now she can’t really hide Baby Goose that well (unless she finds a way to MacGyver a Baby Bjorn under her clothes). Or maybe Ryan will take care of it; don’t ducks carry their babies by hiding them under their wings? Either way, I doubt we’re about to see a People cover of Eva Mendes posing with a wrinkly confused-looking 5-day-old Baby Goose with the headline “MEET MY AVIAN MIRACLE!” (You’re right – she’s probably holding out for 10-page spread in Wildfowl).
But the only thing I really care about is whether or not the doctors handed Ryan Baby Goose and he greeted her for the first time by saying “Hey girl.“
The good thing about being with someone with letters tattooed on their fingers is that you can easily tell them which finger you want during finger fuck times. Give me just the A! Now slowly bring in that N! Okay, shove the whole ANT in me. It just makes things easier and kind of educational. Now on to Sara Gilbert and Linda Perry’s BABY!!! news…..
Sara Gilbert casually announced on her show The Talk today that she’s got a womb full of her first kid with her wife Linda Perry. People says that during the show’s “Facing Your Fears” segment, Sara said that she couldn’t do her dare of lying on a bed of nails with a cinder block on her stomach, because doing so would be an act of fetus abuse since she’s pregnant.
“I actually can’t do it, because I’m pregnant,” she revealed, tearing up. “I feel good, I feel really good … at first I was really tired.”
This kid will be Sara’s third and Linda Perry’s first.
Sara didn’t say who jacked off into a donor cup for her and the cholita Steven Tyler. I’m guessing that Johnny Galecki did the honors. It has to be Johnny Galecki. I mean, Sara Gilbert wouldn’t be with Linda Perry if Johnny didn’t “turn her into a lesbian” by putting his mouth on hers a million years ago, so it’s only fitting.
In case you couldn’t tell by the sound of Morrissey squealing with joy, Duchess Kate’s got another royal growing in her uterus. We all better start building up our endurance and training to not blink for hours on end, because soon we’ll all be spending every moment of our day staring at that damn fucking door while watching St. Mary’s Hospital live feed.
Clarence House announced this morning that Prince William busted a raw royal nut all over Duchess Kate’s royal ovaries and one stuck. Duchess Kate is knocked up with the fourth in line to the throne and more importantly, she’s knocked up with another kid who gets to learn from the master, Prince Hot Ginge, how to butt chug vodka in the Buckingham Palace powder room so THE QUEEN won’t be able to smell booze on their breath. Just like the last time, Duchess Kate has got the morning barfs in a major way so she had to call in sick to her job today and she’s not even at the 12-week mark yet.
Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting their second child.
The Queen and members of both families are delighted with the news.
As with her first pregnancy, The Duchess is suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Her Royal Highness will no longer accompany The Duke of Cambridge on their planned engagement in Oxford today. The Duchess of Cambridge is being treated by doctors at Kensington Palace.
Congratulations to Duchess Kate, because now she’s really done her job to the fullest by giving the royal family an heir AND a spare. Congratulations to Prince Hot Ginge, because now he’s even further away from the throne. And congratulations to Baby Prince George, because soon he’ll have a little brother or sister to slap around and steal toys from.
And condolences to all you Brits, because now you’ll have to get a second or third job to pay for that baby.
While some of us were in the middle of watching Joan Rivers clips on You Tube (like the clip of her cursing out that heckler who got mad at her for making fun of Helen Keller in her documentaryand my favorite clip of her and Melissa dragging POKAH PLAYA Annie Duke on Celebrity Apprentice, etc…….), ScarJo’s baby just had to interrupt everything and make it all about her by being born today. So selfish! Couldn’t her baby have waited one more day and come out tomorrow?!
ScarJo’s rep tells People that she and her French hipster fiancé Romain Dauriac are parents to a daughter. If you’re a horny Marvel fanboy, you probably didn’t read any of those words, because the only thought in your head is: BLACK WIDOW’S TITS ARE GOING TO GET BIGGER NOW THAT THEY MAKE MILK!!!! While Marvel fanboys slobber over that thought, the rest of you can read what ScarJo and Romain named their kid:
Daughter Rose Dorothy was born in New York City. The baby’s middle name is an homage to Johansson’s grandmother, whom she called “the first Francophone in my family” while accepting her honorary César in Paris last February.
“Mother and daughter are doing well,” publicist Marcel Pariseau tells the Associated Press in a statement.
Rose Dorothy. I love every piece of that name for very, very obvious reasons. If they have another kid and name that kid Blanche Sophia, I will have a really good reason to actually like ScarJo.
But really, Scarlett and Rose… They’re obviously going with a red theme. They’re going to name their second kid Rouge, their third kid Ruby, their fourth kid Wine and their fifth kid Crimson. If they have a sixth kid, my thoughts and prayers are with that child, because they’re going to run out of shades of red and will have to name it Menstrual.
Us Weekly says that Alyssa Milano, star of Who’s The Boss?, Charmed, and one of the greatest made-for-TV movies ever made, Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story, has given birth to her second child. A rep for Alyssa Milano (every time I write that I get a craving for a delicious Pepperidge Farms sandwich cookie) confirmed that earlier today she pushed out a little girl that her and her husband David Bugliari have named Elizabella Dylan Bugliari. They already have a 3-year-old son named Milo Thomas.
Alyssa Mint Milano Cookies named her first kid something pretty normal and safe, so I’m glad she went a little more dramatic with the second one. “Elizabella Bugliari” sounds like an Italian supermodel-turned-professional ruthless gold digger from a 1980′s Primetime TV drama about high-stakes finance. I love it! Elizabella is barely an hour old and already I’m terrified of her; she sounds so glamorous and calculating. I bet she came out of her Alyssa Milano’s uterus wearing patent leather pumps. You can’t trust Elizabella Bugliari – she’ll steal your goldfish crackers AND your man!
“Elizabella Bugliari” also sounds like the name Samantha Micelli would pick for her fake ID. I can just picture Tony confronting her in the kitchen after finding the fake ID in the pocket of her Jordache jeans. “Come on Suh-man-thuh, I thought I raised you bettuh than this!“
Carrie Underwood used Labor Day to announce that in a few months she’ll be going into labor, because a fetus has moved into her womb. I tried to laugh at the cheesiness of her announcement, but I couldn’t, because up until I was 6 or 7 I really thought that Labor Day was a day to celebrate women birthing out babies. It’s a good thing I was totally wrong, because if I was right, we’d all be spending Labor Day making soap for the world’s labor queen Michelle Duggar. Oh, and by “6 or 7″ I mean “a month ago.”
Carrie Underwears posted the above pic on Instagram today with this little note:
In honor of “Labor” Day, Ace & Penny would like to make an announcement. Their parents couldn’t be happier…
No, Carrie isn’t announcing that she’s getting another dog. Carrie’s husband Mike Fisher tweeted this:
We haven’t picked names yet but it’s looking like Fly is gonna fly. #boyorgirl #flyfisherf
That’s nice and everything, but something tells me that Fly Underwears Fisher is going to be an only child. Because after Carrie threw that picture up on Instagram, Ace and Penny snuck out of the house and caught a Peter Pan bus to the farthest nudist dog colony where they can freely live without having to worry about hos forcing them to wear embarrassing t-shirts like that. You can see the shame in their body language.
via CBS Sports
During an interview with Carson Daily on the Today show Wednesday morning, the world’s most famous forever alone Jennifer Aniston was asked by the talking blue-eyed peanut himself about interviewing Gloria Steinem for the MAKERS Conference back in February where she touched on the fact that everybody cares SO MUCH whether or not Jenny’s womb has a fetus in it by saying “Being a woman, your value and worth is associated with marital status or whether or not you’ve procreated.” Rachel from Friends explained that just because a screaming baby hasn’t dropped from her crotch doesn’t mean she’s nothing more than a useless Smartwater-filled sack with a good set of highlights. »
All the letters of the alphabet are shaking in fear and preparing themselves to be overused, because another Duggar has started the spawning….
On 23-year-old Jill Duggar’s wedding day, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar took her aside and tearfully gave her the white sheet with the hole in it that they used on their wedding day and then Michelle gave her the crotchless bridal panties that she wore during her first time. Michelle gently stroked the future baby machine’s cheek and told her that 10 seconds after her husband’s hummingbird beak touches her flower (Michelle gave him 10 seconds to cum, she was being generous), she needs to throw her legs up to God and hang upside down so the spawning can begin. Jill must’ve done everything her parents said, because 2 months after she got married on June 21st, she’s got the 4,000th Duggar growing in her womb. Jill and her 25-year-old husband Derick didn’t waste any time in barebacking their way to a baby and they also didn’t waste any time in running off to People to let it be known that the world is another step closer to being covered in nothing but Duggars.
It is a great day for the makers of fake eyelashes for babies and for gold diggers who need some inspiration, because yesterday in a luxurious birthing suite in a hospital in L.A. somewhere, a baby was pulled out of Xtina’s body as her fiancé Matt Rutler did the Morristown, New Jersey “Happy” lottery winner dance and nurses prepared the rhinestone-covered staples that her doctor used to close up her C-section slit. Both People and UsWeekly say that 33-year-old Xtina gave birth to her second kid and Matt Rutler’s first. What a proud moment for Matt Rutler. I’d love to see his face beam with several layers of pride as he carefully held the membership card he got from The Gold Diggers Club for producing his first adorable ATM.
UsWeekly says that Xtina gave birth to her first daughter via C-section at Cedars-Sinai in L.A. That’s the only detail we have. The only detail any of us really care about (THAT KID’S NAME) is not known. I’m sure we’ll learn Xtina’s kid’s name when the Photoshopped-into-another-dimension pictures of her and her daughter getting their first spray-tan together come out in People in a couple of weeks. Xtina played it safe with her first kid, who’s now 6, by naming him Max. So hopefully she won’t disappoint us all again and she’ll really reach to new levels of baby name fuckery while naming her second kid.
I really hope Xtina pays tribute to her real love by naming her daughter Red Lipstick Aguilera. Better yet, I really hope Xtina throws my favorite name ever, “Concepción,” somewhere into her baby’s full name, because every time a famous whore gives birth, I always scream, “Please name it Concepción!” The world definitely needs more Concepcións in it.
I also can’t wait to see Bronzer Concepción Aguilera Rutler’s nursery, because it’s going to be a mess. This is what Max’s nursery looked like:
To this day, Max can’t look at a banana or a crescent moon without screaming in terror, because he spent so many of his first nights praying to God to not let that terrifying, dark-sided, busted brow-having banana moon eat his innocent soul whole.
Every morning, I watch Today, because staring at Matt Lauer’s smug face and Carson Daly’s unsettling wooden head and ventriloquist dummy eyeballs is the best way to start my day. On Monday, Savannah Guthrie, the grown up All American Girl Doll with the personality of a plastic spoon full of wet baking soda, checked out of Today to start her maternity leave and two days later, a human baby was pulled out of her body. 42-year-old Savannah and her husband Michael Feldman, whose age I don’t know and who in that picture is touching me weird with his eyes, are parents to a bundle of cheeks with eyes and lips. Savannah birthed out a baby girl yesterday and this morning she announced the birth of her kid on Twitter (via People). Savannah and Michael have named her Vale Guthrie Feldman. Are they Batman fans or skiers or did they just want to give future playground bullies a leg up by naming their kid a name that rhymes with “fail.”
Vale, welcome to a world where your mom hashtags your name on Twitter three seconds after you were pulled out of her womb. Vale Guthrie Feldman sounds like the name of a white suite-wearing, greedy, fat southern billionaire villain in an 80s cartoon like Richie Rich. “Vale Guthrie, I do declare!” Tbe name works for me!
Congratulations to Savannah! Congratulations to her husband! Congratulations to Al Roker, because he now has someone else to blame when he sharts on set. And condolences to Vale Guthrie Feldman, because soon she’ll have to breathe in the smugness wafting off of Matt Lauer’s face.