Category: BABIES!!!

Today’s Lesson: Always Make Sure Your Mic Is Off Before You Congratulate Someone On Their Pregnancy

May 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Hot douche hall of famer Maksim Chmerkovskiy and fellow Dancing with the Stars professional dancer Peta Murgatroyd are getting married. They announced that back in December during a show in Miami. They’re also apparently expecting a baby. That was announced on Monday on the set of DWTS, but not by Maksim and Peta. That announcement was provided by DWTS co-host Erin Andrews, and it was broadcast to everyone on set live via her still-on microphone.

According to TMZ, not a whole lot of people knew that Peta was knocked up; some close friends and family members didn’t know. But apparently Erin had some insider information, so she decided to go backstage during rehearsal and congratulate Maksim on successfully stuffing Peta’s pocket. The only problem was that she was hooked up to a mic, and everyone heard. As for how awkward it made things between Erin and Maksim and Peta, the answer is: very. Sources say that Maksim and Peta are pissed, because they wanted to announce it themselves. Then Erin allegedly attempted to fix it by trying to play it off like it was a joke.

As for if Peta is even pregnant or not, multiple sources are whispering to People that she is. Those sources could just be a bunch of people whose baby monitors and car radios accidentally intercepted a signal from the DWTS mic feed. Then again, they could have insider information. Maybe they were members of the DWTS audience who caught Season 22 winner Nyle DiMarco helping his partner Peta clean morning sickness barf off the mirrorball trophy on their way out of the studio last night.

I guess if Erin needs a silver lining, it’s that the only thing more embarrassing than accidentally blowing a pregnant lady’s cover would be if the cast and crew of DWTS heard her congratulating a lady who wasn’t even pregnant. Although that would have definitely made for some way more entertaining listening.

Here’s maybe-future-daddy Maksim making one of my nightmares come true by staging a flash mob at The Grove today.

Pics: ABC,

Get The Baby Wipes Ready, Terrence Howard Will Be A Father For The Fifth Time

May 21, 2016 / Posted by:

Hygiene is super important. We’re taught that from a very young age. And we all know just how much hygiene means to Empire star and noted wife beating crazy assgash, Terrence Howard. Terrence is the king of baby wipes so it’s always a bit surprising that someone with such a rabid love of clean asses can have such a messy culo of a life. Adding even more mess will be another butt that will actually need baby wiping. Terrence will be a father for the fifth time.

E! reports that Terrence was on the red carpet for an Empire event in LA on Friday with his on-again-off-again third wife, Mira Pak, and she showed up with a baby bump that hadn’t been introduced to the media yet. Terrence and Mira have a kid together already, Qirin Love Howard, who is about a year old and their marriage has been predictably Terrence-esque. They married in 2013 after about a month of knowing each other, then got divorced shortly after Qirin was born but were still seen together and he called her the love of his life and now there’s another baby. Jesus. He said he took the role of Lucious on Empire because everyone already thinks he’s a grade A asshole, but his love life is at epic proportions of night time soap too.

The last time Terrence and Mira had a baby he introduced us to breast cheese, so I’m sure we’ll get plenty more gorgeous tid bits as the baby mania increases. I told you, spring bring us nothing but allergies and baby news. Questionable parent baby news.

And here’s more of the happy couple and the rest of the Empire cast:

Pics: Wenn


Doug Hutchison And Courtney Stodden Are Going To Be Parents

May 16, 2016 / Posted by:

The makers of baby-sized Lucite and faux leather gladiator booties and breast implants for newborns have a reason to celebrate today, because they’ll soon have a brand new customer in Courtney Stodden. I did not know that elegant iguanas and giant taint warts with eyes were able to spawn, but I guess they can, because the Porn Iguana is knocked up.

Over the weekend, Reality Tea said that 21-year-old Courtney sent out a video to her loved ones (read: the media) and in the video, her 55-year-old serial killer-looking ass husband Doug Hutchison recorded her as she waited to find the results on a piss stick in the bathroom. I haven’t seen the video, but I’m guessing that when the words, “Oh God help us all!”, appeared on the piss stick, that was confirmation that Tooms from The X-Files has procreated. Because the news “leaked,” Courtney said that she had no choice but to confirm it. Doug’s greasy Pillsbury Dough sperm barely made its way through one of her iguana eggs a second ago, because her fetus is only 4 weeks old. I know, it’s times like this when Courtney needs a publicist who will tell her just to say “no comment, no comment” for the next 8 weeks. Courtney said this to UsWeekly:

“It’s a bittersweet time for me right now. I’m dealing with a lot of stress and emotions surrounding life and its ups and downs. Doug and I weren’t planning on going public with this so soon. I’m only four weeks along in my pregnancy. But some things are out of your control.”

This child will be Courtney’s first and Doug’s second, since, you know, he already has Courtney.

The good news is that Courtney’s mother set a good example for her and by that I mean, a good example of what not to fucking do. So Courtney just needs to do the complete opposite of what her mother did and she’ll be fine. Example: Courtney’s mother pretty much handed her over and sold her to Doug Hutchison and she needs to do the opposite by taking that baby and running. As soon as that baby pops out, gnaw off the umbilical cord and run, bitch, run. Better yet, just gnaw and run at the same time.


Russell Brand Is Really Going To Be A Dad

May 15, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s only just beginning to warm up here on the East Coast and it’s kind of touch and go. People have been cooped up inside and are ready to bust out their daisy dukes and make some regrettable decisions and dance moves. What’s the number one activity during winter house months? Humping. I’m preparing myself for a lot of pregnancy announcements. And speaking of pregnancy announcements, Russell Brand may haven given his girlfriend a case of the babies. Whoopee.

According to the Daily Mail, the master of rat’s nest hair styles and fashion inspiration for every guy you automatically know lives in L.A., and his girlfriend, Laura Gallacher are going to be welcoming a baby into the world in about four months. Russell and Laura have a long history but are now trying to make it for real. They first started going out in 2006 and have been on/off ever since. A source close to them said:

They have been living as a couple for the last six months and are determined to make a go of their relationship. It feels like a new chapter in their lives and the couple are enjoying every moment, including discussing baby names. Russell is absolutely made up. Most of his closest friends have children and he was desperate to start a family.

Apparently, Russell has wanted the baby and family life for quite some time. Some are saying that one of the reasons he and the human version of a grocery store sticker vending machine, Katy Perry, split was because she thought she was too young to have a baby. Russell has a reputation as something of a huge man whore – his exes and one night stands include Kate Moss and Courtney Love – but even the hoiest ho gets to a point where they long for more than awkward small talk after parts have bumped. Let’s just hope the kid gets Laura’s hair and not Russell’s rat’s nest. There’s no need for anymore of this.

Pic: Wenn


Gordon Ramsay Is Going To Be A Dad For The Fifth Time

May 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Not content to let Jamie Oliver be the only soon-to-be father of five in the beady-eyed famous blond British chef game, Gordon Ramsay announced on The Late Late Show last night on that his wife Tana Ramsay is currently knocked up with their fifth kid. To put that in terms that Hell’s Kitchen viewers will understand, Gordon put his unwrapped beef wellington on the same plate as Tana’s halibut, dumped a whole bunch of risotto on top, and soon they’ll have a perfectly cooked scallop. He also revealed that Baby Scallop will arrive in September and will be their fourth daughter.

“I’m a little bit nervous. Obviously, I’m happy with another girl. Four girls. Four weddings. Four Sweet 16s. Four boyfriends. Um, so.”

Gordon and Tana already have a small army of teens in their house, which includes an 18-year-old Megan, two 16-year-old twins Jack and Holly, and 14-year-old Mathilda. It’s a good thing Gordon is rich as hell, because Gordon and Tana are probably going to have to buy all new baby stuff. The Ramsay’s youngest kid is 14-years-old, and I don’t know many people that hang on to cribs and stinky old diaper genies for almost a decade and a half.

But I wouldn’t be surprised if the first thing they purchased for the new baby was a couple pairs of ear plugs. Not for Gordon and Tana, either. For the baby. “Welcome to the family, little sister! You’re going to want to keep these on you at all times, just in case dad finds a rotten lime in the back of the fridge and has a meltdown.


This Is What Can Happen When “White Stuff Gets Inside The Vaginal Pocket”

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

31-year-old Nev Schulman, one half of the Catfish duo, announced to the world yesterday that he’s going to be a daddy, and his 30-year-old girlfriend Laura Perlongo announced in detail how they found out. Laura, who’s in advertising, wrote a long ass piece on Attn about how she was stoned on a weed gummy when she found out that a Catfish fetus is growing in her body. So many famous types get their spokeswhore to spit out a generic statement about how they’re “over the moon” (yes, my finger tips hurt from typing that), but Laura and Nev didn’t do that.


Eva Mendes And Ryan Gosling’s Second Kid Is Already Here

May 9, 2016 / Posted by:

On April 14, it was reported that one of Ryan Gosling’s Canadian jizz fish fucked its way into one of Eva Mendes’ eggs, creating their second child. Ryan and Eva have permanently SuperGlued a “privacy please” sign on their personal lives, so they didn’t confirm or deny that she had another GosBaby growing in her womb. Well, TMZ says that two weeks after that news came out, Eva gave birth to their baby and we’re all just finding out now. I know, your boyfriend Ryan Gosling betrayed you by making one baby with that trollop skeezer whore Eva Mendes, and then he betrayed you again by making another baby with her, and now he’s betrayed you a third time by not telling you about his second child’s birth. You better give your Ryan Gosling body pillow a serious talking to before you hump on it tonight.

We only know about the birth of the second GosBaby, because TMZ got a hold of the birth certificate. Eva and Ryan’s second baby was born on April 29th at 8:03 in the morning at a hospital in Santa Monica, CA. Eva birthed out another girl and they named her Amada Lee Gosling. Amada is Eva’s abuelita’s name, and either she really loves her abuelita or really loves that name or both, because Amada is also their first child’s middle name. Ryan and Eva’s 20-month-old daughter is named Esmerelda Amada Gosling. In 16 years, the Gosling girls can form a girl pop duo called The Amadas.

I’m guessing that Ryan wore a disguise to the hospital, because if he didn’t, we would’ve heard about how all of the nurses and other patients released a panty pudding tsunami as soon as he strut in and winked at them. We would’ve heard about that on the news. But seriously, we shouldn’t call Eva and Ryan “celebrities” anymore. Because what in the hell kind of celebrity has a baby and doesn’t immediately tweet an announcement along with a black and white picture of the mom holding the kid’s hand?

And someone should tell Pimp Mama Kris that two famous types had a baby and didn’t whore out every second of their pregnancy and birth on Instagram. That’d make her head pop off, hit the ceiling and land on her demon neck again. That could be her new party trick!

Pic: Splash

New Human Alert: Michael Phelps’ Baby Has Arrived

May 7, 2016 / Posted by:

Nature is truly a wonder! They tell us that different species cannot come together to procreate, yet here we stand in awe. Olympic machine, and possible non-human (18 GOLD MEDALS, WHAT?!), Michael Phelps gave his fiancee, Nicole Johnson, who is just a regular human, although she’s a former Miss California, a case of the babies nine months ago. And now said baby has arrived. Please welcome to the stage, Boomer Robert Phelps. Yes, Boomer! Put that in your “I can’t” file.

Michael posted the above picture earlier today on Instagram. But Boomer was actually born on the 5th, as per Michael’s caption:

Welcome Boomer Robert Phelps into the world!!! Born 5-5-2016 at 7:21 pm !!! Healthy and happy!!! Best feeling I have ever felt in my life!!! @nicole.m.johnson and Boomer both healthy!!! #boomerphelps 📷 @boonestudios

Just like those soulless Kartrashians stole Blac Chyna’s Mother’s Day pregnancy announcement, Michael stole it from Nicole. Just look at the picture. Boomer and Michael’s body are totally in sharp focus, Michael is topless and Nicole is blurred out in the back, exhausted from having a baby and reminding me a touch of a Kylie Jenner face swap. Rude, Michael! Rude!

Listen, it’s not my baby and they can name it whatever they want, but Boomer Phelps sounds like something you come up with during the porn name game. Then again, it’s a sporty sounding so they’re probably imagining him winning a million gold medals and zooming to the moon or something. At this point, you’ve gotta give celeb kids a WTF ass name or they take away your fame, right?

Pic: Instagram


And Kylie Jenner Will Get Knocked Up In 3…2……

May 6, 2016 / Posted by:

You better slip on a pair of extra thick heat-resistant socks before you put your feet on the ground, because the flames of Hell are probably shooting up high as Lucifer celebrates the fact that his proudest creation Pimp Mama Kris is getting another family member to pimp out.

Blac Chyna is knocked up and is growing a Keeping Up with the Kardashians spin-off show and a Twitter trending topic in her silicone-encrusted womb, and she was planning to make the announcement on Mother’s Day. But someone decided to beat Angela Kardashian to the STUNT QUEEN punch and called up TMZ. Hmmm, I wonder who did that? Kut to PMK whispering her latest attention-getting news into Harvey Levin’s ear while sipping their morning cup of piping hot virgin’s blood together.

TMZ’s sources say that months ago, Blac Chyna straddled her fiancé Rob Kardashian’s naked body, pushed back his FUPA and he humped a baby into her. She’s apparently a few months knocked up. She’s already got a 3-year-old son named King Cairo with Tyga.

After TMZ broke the news that PMK is going to be somebody’s grandma for the 6th time, Blac Chyna pretty much confirmed it by burping up this on Instagram:


A photo posted by (@blacchyna) on

Blac Chyna recently posed for photo-op selfies with Kylie Jenner and PMK, and she hung out with Kim Kartrashian not too long ago, so it looks like they all made up for the sake of the child that’s going to get them even more attention. Touching, I know.

And if Wite Chyna (aka Kylie Jenner) ever marries the tattooed salamander (aka Tyga), King Cairo and Rob and Blac Chyna’s unborn baby will be cousins AND siblings, right? It’s Friday and I don’t need to bruise whatever is left of my brain on trying to figure that out, so can someone please update that Kardashian flow-chart?


Here’s pictures from over a week ago of Rob, Blac Chyna and Kim hitting the ho stroll in Beverly Hills to celebrate the creation of Koryea Kardashian. (You know that’s what Chyna is going to name their child.)


Another Human May Soon Get To Call La Toya Jackson “Auntie”

May 4, 2016 / Posted by:

About one month ago, Janet Jackson pissed off some of her fans when she postponed her “Unbreakable” world tour under doctor’s orders. Janet Jackson will postpone a tour over a damn hangnail, but her excuse was that she and her billionaire piece husband, Wissam Al Mana, are planning their family. Everyone took “planning a family” to mean that they were either working on adopting a kid, trying to make a baby or one checked into her fetus baking bag. Well, a “source” confirms to Entertainment Tonight that Janet, who turns 50 in less than 2 weeks, is knocked up. UsWeekly also confirmed the news through a difference source (aka the intern who read Entertainment Tonight’s piece on the Internet).

There’s really no other details and Janet hasn’t said shit about this.

Being pregnant at any age seem hard, but pregnant at 50 seems like hard on top of hard. Janet is married to a billionaire, so she’ll be fine, I’m sure. Janet won’t have to walk because her minions will carry her around on a swan feather-stuffed satin mattress on a solid gold bed. And if she gets a craving for pickles dipped in ice cream and rolled in crushed potato chips (that’s whatever every knocked up lady craves, right?), she just has to snap her fingers and a maid will hand feed them to her while wearing a white glove.

Congrats to the unborn baby who will have La Toya Jackson as a tia! Congrats to JJ! Congrats to Wissam! And congrats to Janet Jackson’s secret daughter Renee for becoming a sister again! Yes, I will forever be a DeBargeJacksonSecretChild truther.

Pic: Splash


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