Category: BABIES!!!

Kanye West And Kim Kardashian Have Hired A Surrogate To Carry Their Third Kid

June 21, 2017 / Posted by:

Kim Kardashian has a lot on her plate at the moment. She’s got two kids to text the nannies about, a new puppy that will eventually be dumped onto somebody else, a makeup line that she has already been accused of getting into blackface for. Kim is reportedly looking to get even busier by having a third kid with Kanye West, and TMZ says that they’ve already hired the surrogate who will carry it. This new baby news is coming a few days after the news broke that Beyonce gave birth to her second and third kids, which is much longer than the last time she tried to yank the spotlight away. I’m surprised that Kim was able to exercise such fame whore restraint.

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Beyonce Gave Birth To A Twin Boy And Girl, There’s A “Minor Issue”

June 18, 2017 / Posted by:

I was in my usual place when Beyonce gave birth to a twin boy and girl on Monday in Los Angeles. It’s the place that I’ve been in during this entire pregnancy – on my knees, praying that I might get the chance to touch the hem of their garments at some point in my otherwise empty life.

TMZ is confirming that Bey and husband Jay Z are the parents of twins. Beymajesty and babies are still in the hospital due to a “minor issue” that hasn’t been identified. We can assume it’s because a vintage El Camino wasn’t driven in for her to give birth atop of for art’s sake. She’s not leaving that hospital bed until the situation is rectified. Continue reading

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Ryan Lochte’s Kid Has Arrived And No, He Didn’t Name The Child “Jeah” 

June 8, 2017 / Posted by:

Early this morning, in a labor room somewhere, Ryan Lochte sat by the window and furiously looked at the sky with wide-open eyes. A nurse strolled up, asked him what he was doing and why he wasn’t with his fiancee. Ryan didn’t take his eyes off the sky as he excitedly said, “I’m waiting for da stork to bring da bay-beeeeee.” The nurse sighed, shook their head and walked away. The nurse didn’t want to tell Ryan the truth about where babies come from. Ryan’s half brain cell wouldn’t be able to process that heavy news today. It’s already been through so much.

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Jaime Pressly Is Pregnant With Twins

June 7, 2017 / Posted by:

When Jaime Pressly shook the extra pee dribbles off her pregnancy test a few months ago, she was hoping to see the word “pregnant.” She got her wish and more. 39-year-old Jaime tells People that she and her 38-year-old boyfriend had been trying for a kid for a while, and admits they definitely weren’t expecting to get two for the price of one.

“Twins don’t run on either side of our families so we were completely shocked. This wasn’t IVF or anything like that. It was just a shock, and I’m like, ‘Doctor, that’s impossible!'”

“I’ve always wanted three kids and the older I’m getting, I’m like, ‘Okay, maybe just one more would be nice.” Pressly jokes that expecting two babies is “God cutting me some slack.”

Jaime has a 10-year-old son named Desi with her ex-boyfriend Eric Calvo.

She also announced the news on Instagram with that picture and a caption reading: “Big news for our family! Dezi’s going to be a big brother, times 2! Get all the details in my interview with @people (link in bio) #ClearblueConfirmed #ClearbluePartner #twins #family.

Congrats to Jaime, but I’m personally more excited that Jaime announced her twins by having her publicist call up People AND by posing for a tasteful picture with her Clearblue piss stick. It’s been so long since a celebrity announced their pregnancy with a Clearblue-sponsored post, I was starting to think it had fallen out of fashion.

Pic: Instagram

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Cue Up The Apocalypse, Because George Clooney Is Officially A Father 

June 6, 2017 / Posted by:

George Clooney’s rep released a statement today saying that Amal Clooney birthed out their twins this morning. I know that the news came from the official rep of the horse’s mouth, but I still won’t believe it until a swarm of locusts crash through my window or until I hear it from the only Clooney baby news source I trust: The Chenbot!

The Daily Mail says that the Clooney twins were born in England and one is a dude and one is a girl. Satan is probably shitting icicles today and that’s because: 1. George Clooney is a literal daddy now. And 2. Two famous people gave their babies completely normal names.

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Halle Berry Says She’s Not Trying To Tell Us She’s Knocked Up

June 5, 2017 / Posted by:

Halle Berry is one of those sneaky types of attention whores. The kind that, when the paparazzi accosts her, she pretends to be annoyed and starts throwing shit and yelling at them like the crazy cat lady who lives on your grandmom’s block. But whenever she needs them for publicity, she tones the crazy all the way down. For example, at Saturday nights Chrysalis Butterfly Ball in Los Angeles, Halle arrived with her plus one either being a new baby friend forming in her belly, or the remains of a gigantic steak burrito from Taco Bell busting out of her gut.

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