Look at Robert Duvall’s crotchety old face behind them. I know it’s just a poster, but it looks like he’s about to bark: “Oh, knock it off, you two – movie premieres aren’t THAT much fun.”
After many months – nine, to be exact – Kristen Bell has evicted the tiny freeloader living rent-free in her womb, and now she and her husband
Frito Pendejo Dax Shepard are the parents to their second baby girl. Kristen and Dax already have a 21-month-old daughter named Lincoln Bell Shepard, and I was hoping they might stick with the American History theme and this new baby would be called Washington or Liberty Bell or something. But they didn’t do that; instead, they did something MUCH better. Kristen announced the arrival of baby no. 2 on Twitter last night, and I’m going to take this as a sign that their favorite Designing Woman was Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Delta Bell Shepard! That’s only 3 letters off from being named Delta Burke, aka one of the most prolific and important fashion designers of our time. The only way that name could be better is if they changed Delta to Julia and legally changed the baby’s last name from Shepard to Sugarbaker.
Or maybe they chose Delta because they really love air travel, but American Airlines Shepard was just too awkward and United Shepard sounds like a weird cult. Or maybe it was an on-purpose mistake by a hospital nurse who couldn’t bear to see another baby named Elsa this year. “Elsa? Oh, hell no…change that S to a T, and throw a D in front. There. You’re welcome, baby.” I don’t know. Regardless, congratulations to them both!
It’s a week before Christmas and I’m sure you have a lot of crap to do, so don’t bruise your brain while trying to figure out what these three are wearing.
Ashlee Simpson and her pretty-faced husband of 3 months Evan Ross aren’t wasting any time. E! News says that the “singer” turned reality TV trick turned Melrose Place 2.0 “actress” turned (insert whatever she’s doing now because I have no clue) is knocked up with her second kid and Evan Ross’ first kid. Evan and Ashlee’s baby friend will be Diana Ross’ third grandchild. E! didn’t have any other info other than that and some words about children that Evan spilled into their ears at The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 premiere last month.
“I would like [having kids],” he said. “As many as possible!”
Ross added, “I got married, I have new music and I’m part of Hunger Games. It’s been a great year.” And to think, 2015 looks to be even more of a life-changer.
Bronx Mowgli, Asslee’s kid with Pete Wentz, is already 6 years old. I don’t think she’ll go with the NYC borough + Jungle Book character route when naming her second kid. She’ll probably go the L.A. neighborhood + Lion King character route. They’re going to name their kid Echo Park Zazu.
That kid will probably inherit Diana Ross’ fabulous gene and its mother’s impeccable lip-synching skills. That kid will win season 25 of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I’m calling it now.
And here’s Evan and Ashlee at the farmer’s market in Studio City a few days ago.
I like to imagine that’s also the face he’ll make the first time the baby spits up on him. “Aw hell, this dashiki is dry clean only. I’m getting too old for this shit!” Luckily, Stevie Wonder only has to deal with one type of baby barf. Remember last month when there was a rumor going around that 64-year-old Stevie had knocked a set of triplets into his girlfriend Tomeeka Robyn Bracy, thus guaranteeing his induction into the Fertile Pepaw Hall of Fame? Well, it turns out the three babies were just one, and it’s here now.
Stevie’s rep has confirmed to UsWeekly that Stevie became a father for the 9th time when Tomeeka birthed a baby girl named Nia. This is his second baby with Tomeeka. Stevie’s rep says they chose the name Nia because it means ‘purpose’, and that it’s one of the seven principles of Kwanzaa. But I’m pretending they named her after high-waisted jeans inspiration Nia Long.
I know 64 is technically pretty old to be dealing with a newborn, but there’s got to be a couple silver linings. For instance, you never have to worry about the baby not letting you sleep in, since you’re already waking up at 4am every morning. You both have a mutual respect for the other when it comes to having a difficult time going to the bathroom, and you’re both always taking naps. Plus, whenever you want to leave a party early, you can blame it on the baby. Frankly, I can’t see any problems! What’s that you say? Being constantly tired? Oh…right.
Jessica Biel’s either got a human growing in her body or she’s suffering from the same shit I suffer from, skinny fat, because she’s been looking swole. The hobo’s Blake Lively (or is Blake Lively the hobo’s Jessica Biel?) and Justin Timberlake haven’t said anything about her being knocked up, because it’s pretty obvious that she is and they’re way too ~famous~ and way too ~ private~ for that. Besides, they don’t need to announce that shit when they’ve got Joey Fat One to do it for them.
Just like the editor of InStyle before him, the brown-headed Guy Fieri let everyone know that in a few months Jessica Biel’s body will eject a baby that will be all ass and Ramen hair. Joey EXCLUSIVELY told InTouch that he’s known about the TimberFetus for a long time now.
“He told me a while ago, and I kept my mouth shut,” Joey says in the new issue of ‘In Touch.’ “But now I can talk about it!”
And though Justin and Jessica have kept mum on the subject, Joey is confident they’re more than ready to become parents. “Jessica is awesome, and Justin is a kid at heart,” he adds. “[They’ll have] fun.”
If JT is pissed that Joey Fat One is blabbing about his oh-so-private private life, he shouldn’t be. JT thinks he’s too good for an NSYNC reunion tour, so how else is Joey supposed to get money? Being the guest host of The Price Is Right Live! show at Bally’s in Las Vegas only pays so much (and by “so much” I do mean drink tickets and a free dinner at the buffet). Joey has no choice but to trade info about the most famous NSYNCer for a check made out to cash from InTouch Weekly. You did this to yourself, JT!
And here’s JT and Jay-Z leaving Taylor Swift’s apartment in NYC yesterday. Are they doing a song together? Did they have a spit roast threesome? Or did Jay-Z and JT come over to make Christmas cookies in her Easy Bake oven while singing along to the Chipmunks Christmas album? This is Tay Tay we’re talking about. It’s the last one.
In her never-ending promotion for that sans fards Cake movie, Jennifer Aniston did a very Jennifer Aniston-y photo shoot (HAIR! BRONZER! SEXY WAVES!) and interview with Allure, and she opened up about all the anonymous strangers who want to know why she hasn’t rented out her 45-year-old womb to a baby yet. Just like the last time she spoke about her lack of fetus fever, Jenny tells Allure (via People) that just because she hasn’t pushed a slimy screaming human out of her down-lows doesn’t mean she should be marked as defective and sent back to the Lady Factory. Oh, and also please stop tapping at your invisible wristwatch and making tick-tock noises, because SHE KNOWS, YOU GUYS:
“I don’t like [the pressure] that people put on me, on women – that you’ve failed yourself as a female because you haven’t procreated. I don’t think it’s fair. You may not have a child come out of your vagina, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t mothering – dogs, friends, friends’ children. This continually is said about me: that I was so career-driven and focused on myself, that I don’t want to be a mother, and how selfish that is. Even saying it gets me a little tight in my throat.”
It’s times like these that I wish Jennifer Aniston’s dogs could talk, so they could tell everyone that Jennifer Aniston is a great mother and shut those nosy uterus-obsessed bitches up once and for all. How could she not be a great mom? Those dogs spend 9 months out of the year in Mexico! You know how many times I’ve been to Mexico? Zero times. I bet those dogs get to eat whatever they want for dinner too AND sleep on the bed. Ugh, luckyyyy.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston in Allure, including a topless shot with her hairdresser that looks like pretty much every ~edgy~ engagement photo on my Facebook timeline.
Meanwhile in an office tower in the 7th circle of Hell, an already-overworked Satan is buzzing for his secretary, Leona Helmsley, to bring him two Extra-Strength Tylenols and a new Kardashian Kontract. “What are we at now – 14? 15? They just keep spawning! I need a drink.”
Congratulations are in order for Pimp Mama Kris, as she has become a GRANDMOTHER (you know she totally hates that word) for the fourth time. UsWeekly says that Kim’s pseudo-hipster sister Kourtney Kardashian gave birth to her third child with real-life 80s high school movie villain Scott Disick yesterday in Los Angeles. Kourtney and Scott welcomed a baby boy, but nothing else is known, because they’re very private people and want to keep it to themselves. Just kidding! They’re probably saving it for whichever magazine sends them the check with the most zeros on the end. “Thank you, Carp-Talk!” shouts Pimp Mama Kris.
Kourtney and Scott already have a 5-year-son named Mason Dash (new baby was actually born on Mason’s birthday) and a 2-year-old daughter named Penelope Scotland, and I have no idea if they’re going to try to incorporate their names into the third baby’s name as well. But in the event they don’t, I’m sure Scott is pushing for something super douchey, like “Money Rolex” or “Cash First Class” or just a bunch of dollar signs.
But there is someone I feel sorry for in all of this, and no, it’s not the baby who has to look into the terrifying rubber face of Auntie Kim. It’s Mason! Sharing a birthday is THE WOOOORST, but sharing it with your own brother? What a bummer. If I were that kid, I’d call up Unky Rob (he ain’t doing anything) and ask him to drive me to wherever you go to get your birth date changed. “While you’re there, wanna pick me up a couple emancipation forms?” shouted North West the second she realized her mom just cropped her out of an Instagram selfie.
I watch Nashville every single week (surprisingly, that isn’t the most embarrassing thing I’ve admitted on this site) and it feels like for the past 100 episodes, Hayden Panettiere’s character has been having (NASHVILLE SPOILER ALERT) pregnant drama and crying out tears over her baby father, Luke & Laura’s son, not forgiving her for fucking Kate Hudson’s brother. So it feels like a baby has been growing in her body for years. It’s like she’s been on the Jessica Simpson schedule. But after being knocked up for forever (9 months to be exact), Hayden birthed out her first kid with future husband Wladimir Klitschko on Tuesday. In a birth announcement to People, Hayden and Wladimir announced their daughter’s name and told us what she weighed in at. They also made my nerves break by using “Over the moon.” Couldn’t they have switched shit up by saying that they’re “above Neptune” or something?
Daughter Kaya Klitschko weighed in at 7 lbs., 14 oz., and measured 20 inches.
“We are over the moon and madly in love!” the proud new parents tell PEOPLE.
Just when I was beginning to think that reading baby announcements was safe again, because we as a people have gotten over “over the moon,” Hayden and Wladimir remind me that it’s alive and well. But I won’t hold it against Hayden. You too would be flying over all of the planets and natural satellites if you mated with a giant and gave birth to an average-sized kid. Because ancient folklore says that when a forest gnome makes a baby with a giant, her spine breaks and her little body is ripped in two during birth. So she’s probably really happy that didn’t happen.
Congratulations to Little Sprout and the Jolly Ukrainian Giant! I like the name Kaya Klitschko, because it sounds like the name of a badass Bond girl and it also tells me that Hayden and Wladimir must be big fans of scripted MTV shows that lasted one season.
I say “finally”, because it honestly seems like forever since I wrote about her getting knocked up. Only July? That can’t be right. Was there a recent tear in the space-time continuum that I’m not aware of? Whatever, I’ll look it up later. What really matters here is that Kit from Crossroads (aka Zoe Saldana) and her hot Hipster Fabio husband Marco Perego are now the parents to a set of twin babies.
According to The Mirror, Zoe gave birth in a Los Angeles hospital on Monday, but not much else is known. We don’t know if she had boys or girls, what their names are, or if they exited the womb with a full head of their father’s gorgeous hair blowing in slow-motion. The last one is really the only one I care about. A friend (Lucy and/or Mimi) says this about Zoe and her new babies:
“Zoe and Marco are delighted. Zoe has been ready to drop for some time and they are both ecstatic to be meeting the twins. This a dream come true for both of them, they are absolutely delighted. They have been looking forward this day for the last nine months. Both want a big family so this is the start.”
Hmmm, I wonder if they’re delighted. Zoe has hissed at the media before about invading her privacy, so I have a feeling we won’t know much about her babies until some blabbermouth (*cough* BRITNEY SPEARS *cough*) spills the beans. Until then, I’m going to assume they named their babies something very hipster-y. Don’t let me down, Zoe and Marco – I’ve got $20 on the names “Writer Compass” and “Weather Nutmeg” in the Dlisted hipster baby name pool.
That double “Ugh, I don’t even want to look at him/her” side-eye is the visual definition of a loving and healthy marriage!
The Royal Palace of Monaco released a statement today saying that 36-year-old Princess Charlene and 56-year-old Prince Pierced Peen are now parents to a boy and a girl. One of life’s important rules is that if you give birth to a twin girl and a twin boy you must name them Brenda and Brandon. Prison Princess and Prince Pierced Peen broke that rule of life by naming their girl Gabriella Thérèse Marie and their boy Jacques Honoré Rainier.
Prince Albert has two other kids (that we know of), but since he made those kids with women he wasn’t married to, they have no claim to the throne. They’re the lucky ones if you ask me. When you’re in direct line to the throne, you’re expected to have a royal stick up your ass and you have to act prim and proper all the time. Only crazies want that. When you’re not in line to the throne, you can be an out and proud mess and get your booze money by selling stories about your relatives to the tabloids. That is the life. But then again, being in direct line to the throne didn’t stop Prince Albert from being a trashy mess.
The girl twin, who has been given the title of Countess of Carladès, was born first at 5:04pm. The boy twin, who has been given the title of Marquis of Baux, was born second at 5:06pm. Even though Gabriella won the race out of the womb, she’s not first in line for succession. Jaques will be the future ruler of Monaco, because the country hasn’t changed their “boys rule, girls drool” law yet.
The palace squeezed out this highly detailed and lengthy statement:
“It is with immense joy that TT.SS.HH the Prince and Princess of Monaco have the great pleasure to announce the birth of their children.”
Congratulations to Princess Charlene! It’s one of the happiest days of her life. Her job is done! Not only did she birth out twins, but now she doesn’t have to get turkey basted anymore and she doesn’t have to let Prince Albert lay his naked, slimy blobfish body on hers anymore. If you’re in Monaco, you should hold onto something sturdy, because Princess Charlene will bust out a genuine smile for the first time in years and it will make the earth shake.
When I woke up this morning to emails with the subject, “Another Duggar is Knocked Up,” I figured that all that kissing on Instagram and front hugging put a baby in Jessa Duggar. Jessa Duggar might have a fetus living in her womb, but a different Duggar announced this morning that his family is one baby closer to overtaking China as the world’s leading producer of humans.
In a video posted on TLC.com (via People) this morning, the eldest child of the Cult of Duggar, 26-year-old Josh Duggar, and his 26-year-old wife of 6 years, Anna Duggar, announced in creepy robot voices that they’ve made their fourth baby. Anna says that the Duggar growing in her uterus is about 9 weeks old. Anna and Josh, who live in DC where he works for an anti-gay and anti-abortion group, said that they told the leaders of their army, Jim Bob and Michelle, about the newest Duggar a couple of weeks ago. I’m sure Michelle knew as soon as Anna got knocked up, because she can smell fresh jizz in an ovary egg from 10,000 miles away.
Anna’s voice… Anna’s animatronic eyes… Anna’s fake smile…. Just throw a glorious wave of White Rain bangs on top of her head and she’d be Michelle Duggarbot 2.0.
This kid will be Jim Bob and Michelle’s 5th grandchild. Jill Duggar is currently knocked up with her first baby who’s due in March.
I’m not even going to joke about what Josh and Anna are going to name their fourth. It’s not hard to figure out. They’ve got a 5-year-old named Mackynzie (MACKYNZIE!!!), a 3 1/2-year-old named Michael and a 1 1/2-year-old named Marcus. They should name their fourth kid Motherfuckers Stop Fucking With The Letter M Duggar. What have us M names done to deserve this? The Duggars have already tortured everyone whose first name starts with the letter J and now they’re coming hard for us Ms.
The good news is that I shouldn’t have any trouble legally changing my name from Michael to Concepcion. A judge will scream “GRANTED, you poor soul, GRANTED!” as soon as I tell them that I’m changing my name because the Duggars have officially taken over the letter M.