Louis Tomlinson of One Direction tweeted and Instagrammed a picture of his brand new baby son yesterday, and as I scrolled through the comments, it didn’t take me long to get to one from a Directioner who refuses to believe that child is real and is not some publicity stunt to distract us from the 100% fact that he’s full-time fucking his true soulmate Harry Styles. They see you, Louis!
seriously? it’s manip. stop please.
There’s obviously no man nipple in that picture, so they’re accusing that pic of being a Photoshop Awards contender. They really got their magnifying glasses out and can clearly see that tiny newborn is a stock photo baby. I bet B.o.B left that comment. He’s a flat Earth truther AND a baby Tomlinson truther.
But really, there was a rumor that Louis and his one-time casual piece Briana Jungwirth named their son Sydney Rain, which made us all think that they really want their kid to grow up to be a headliner at the Spearmint Rhino in Downtown L.A., because that’s a primetime stripper name if I ever heard one. But they didn’t name their son Sydney Rain. They named him Freddie Reign. I guess the reign of famous messes naming their kid Reign has officially started. But I don’t totally hate the name and only because Freddie Reign sounds like the name of the lead singer of a Queen cover band. And here’s another OBVIOUSLY Photoshopped picture of Baby Freddie Reign.
Right this second in a nursery that’s covered with pictures of Tyra Banks, a brand new baby boy, who is wearing a onesie that is covered with Tyra Banks’ face, is making a confused look as his mother Tyra Banks tries to teach him how to smize. Ty Ty is not going to let him make his public debut until he successfully learns how to smile with his baby eyes. No child of hers is going to be seen in a picture without smizing.
Ty Ty announced on Instagram today that she and her man of 2 years, noted photographer Erik Asla (who sort of looks like a shrink wrapped Gordon Ramsay to me), are parents to a son who was born via surrogate. Tyra and Chrissy Teigen talked about their fertility issues on their now dead talk show FabLife. Chrissy is currently pregnant and now Tyra is somebody’s mother.
When I read the news and saw that picture of them, I figured the surrogate gave birth to an adorable tenhead with tiny arms and legs. But Tyra said in her Instagram post that the baby’s got her eyes and Erik’s chin. And surprisingly, Tyra didn’t name her son Tyro or Tyra, Jr.
The best present we worked and prayed so hard for is finally here. He’s got my fingers and big eyes and his daddy Erik’s mouth and chin. As we thank the angel of a woman that carried our miracle baby boy for us, we pray for everyone who struggles to reach this joyous milestone. York Banks Asla, welcome to the world.
York Banks sounds like the name of Carlton Banks‘ preppier and richer cousin who is his main rival at Princeton. And congrats to Tyra, Erik and York who better learn to smize like no other baby or he’ll be disowned!
Emily Blunt sweetly putting her head against John Krasinski’s chest tells me that they’re probably same side sitters. The only good reason to sit on the same side during a dinner for 2 at a restaurant is to easily give your piece a hand job. That is it! But anyway….
Emily Blunt and John Krasinski bumped their genitals together and made another fetus, which is a little surprising since her vagina apparently gave a
thumbs down clit down over the muscles he put on his body for that 13 Hours mess of a movie. John said that Emily likes his “dad bod” better. But Emily somehow managed to keep down the barfs while humping on John’s muscled-up body and now she’s knocked up. Emily’s rep confirmed the news to UsWeekly and if they didn’t, we’d still know she was pregnant since she wore an oversize coat in NYC in January and that is obviously a giveaway that you’re growing a baby!
Another baby for Blunt! Emily Blunt is pregnant and expecting her second child with her husband, John Krasinski, her rep confirms exclusively to Us Weekly.
Blunt, 32, is currently filming The Girl on the Train, which was adapted from Paula Hawkins’ bestselling novel of the same name. She was photographed wearing an oversized coat on set in NYC on January 20.
Emily and John have an almost 2-year-old daughter named Hazel. Emily and John totally messed up when naming their first child, so let’s hope they do the right thing this time around by giving their second child her last name and the first name “Smokah.” I’d also be cool with the first name of “Passda.” You have ONE job, you two!
Here’s Emily at the National Board of Review a few weeks ago:
I used to watch The Girls Next Door (something my brain still hasn’t forgiven me for), and I always thought that if anyone was going to run full-tilt towards a normal life when the show ended, it would be Bridget Marquardt’s chronically not-into-it dog Wednesday. I never counted on Holly Madison being the married-with-two-kids type; she really seemed more like the crushing-boner-pills-into-Heff’s-apple-sauce-till-death-do-them-part type. But here we are.
Holly called up People and spilled the news that her husband of two years, Pasquale Rotella, put a second baby into her body. Holly and Pasquale are already parents to a two-and-a-half year old daughter named Rainbow Aurora Rotella. Holly says she’s “so excited“, and that her second pregnancy will be more enjoyable than the first because she’ll know what to expect this time around. She went ahead and confirmed that she was pregnant again on Instagram by throwing up an old picture of her kissing newborn Rainbow with the caption: “Can’t wait for another little one to join the family in August!”
Because she was lucky and her call was picked up by a receptionist instead of going straight to People’s general voicemail box, Holly gave more information about the baby living inside her. Like that she thinks it’s a boy. She also confirmed that Rainbow Aurora won’t be the only one in the family with a WTF-worthy name. Holly says she already has a few names picked out for Baby #2, but won’t say what they are. Since her first kid’s name sounds like it was picked at random from the toy section of a 1980’s Sears Wish Book, I’m going to guess that Holly’s new baby will be named either Jenga He-Man or G.I. Glo Worm.
In the event you really want to see what a barely-pregnant Holly Madison looks like, here she is strolling the red carpet at the opening night of Jennifer Lopez’s Vegas show on Wednesday.
Last year, all of our ears nearly exploded from hearing the high-pitched screeches coming from a million Directioners who melted down after hearing the news that one of Louis Tomlinson’s jizz fishes successfully knocked up his one-time piece Briana Jungwirth. They didn’t want to believe that Louis busted a raw nut up into that gold digging hussy whore’s vagine. But he did and now that baby is here.
A source close to Briana (aka the publicist that Briana probably hired after a 1D dude put a baby in her) tells People that she gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles yesterday. Even though the two aren’t a thing, 24-year-old Louis is reportedly going to move to L.A. to be closer to his brand new kid. The source spilled this out:
“Louis is happy and very excited about becoming a dad and he thinks Briana will be an amazing mother. It was a surprise at first, but he and Briana are very, very close friends and this has brought them even closer.”
The crazed Directioners who believe that Louis and Harry Styles are the real love affair of our time probably ditched kindergarten today because they’re going to get to the bottom of this. They’re not going to put down their Playskool brand magnifying glasses until they find concrete proof that Briana is a surrogate and Harry and Louis are going to raise THEIR baby on a goat farm in the Netherlands somewhere. I hope that Louis really makes the tiny heads of Directioners pop off by naming his son Harry Jr.
Keri Russell and Matthew Rhys’ relationship started off on an ESCANDALOSO note, because she was still married to her first husband Shane Dreary when she apparently started wrapping her wandering poon around Matthew’s peen while shooting The Americans together. Keri boning her co-star was allegedly the reason why her marriage to that Dreary dude ate shit. That was around 2 years ago and Keri and Matthew are a still a thing. “Of course they’re still a thing, their show is still on and so bitch hasn’t moved on to another show and another co-star’s peen,” said us shady whores as we sip our morning tea. These two are so much a thing that they’ve made a baby together.
A source tells UsWeekly that the baby in Felicity’s womb is 4 months old and they’re really happy about it.
“Keri is more than four months along,” says an insider close to the pregnant-again mom of son River, 8, and daughter Willa, 4, with ex-husband Shane Deary, who she divorced in 2013 after seven years of marriage. A rep for Russell could not be reached for comment. Adds a source close to Rhys, “It’s so exciting for them!”
I thank the “source close to Rhys” for saying “It’s so exciting for them” instead of saying “They’re over the moon!” Let’s make 2016 an OTM-free year! (Cut to 5 minutes from now when 5 celebrity pregnancies are announced in a row and they all declare that they’re over the damn moon.)
I used to watch The Americans for the hot 80s fashions, the hot Russian spy moves and the hot Margo Martindale, but I stopped because it’s one of those shows that I have to pay attention to. I like to watch porn and make iTunes playlists inspired by Dorothy Zbornak’s outfits while watching a TV show, so I always got lost while watching The Americans. (Although I get lost while watching an episode of The Flinstones.) Because I don’t watch it anymore, I have no idea if Keri’s pregnancy can be worked into the storyline or if they’ll delay shooting. Better yet, I hope that they try to hide Keri’s baby dome with giant DOS computers or oversized Pee-Chee folders.
One of Eddie Redmayne’s fat-mouthed friends supposedly ran their asses to The Sun to spill the news about the baby growing in the womb of his wife of one year, Hannah Bagshawe. Eddie and Hannah, who kind of looks like a mash-up of Anne Hathaway and Mira Sorvino, have been telling their friends and family that she’s knocked up with the most English baby in the world. The Daily Mail has a few riveting details:
Eddie and Hannah, both 33, celebrated their first wedding anniversary on December 15, and are said to be ‘extremely excited’ at the prospect of becoming first-time parents.
The Sun report Eddie and his wife ‘are delighted and extremely excited. They don’t want to find out the sex of the baby but are happy to tell close friends and family they are expecting.’
A representative for Eddie Redmayne has been contacted by MailOnline for comment.
Eddie is most likely going to get another Best Actor Oscar nomination for The Danish Girl. So Leonardo DiCatchAHo really needs to step his Oscar campaign all the way up. Leonardo did not almost get fake raped by a CGI bear just so he can lose the OSCUH to Glenn Close’s face double. Leonardo only has a couple of months to get married, knock up his new wife with triplets and get a whole lot of sympathy by “catching” his pregnant wife “fucking” his best brofriend Lukas Haas. Sure, the apocalypse will happen if Leonardo DiCaprio gets married and makes a fetus, but at least he’ll have that Oscar in his hands when the locusts swarm us all.
Here’s Hannah covering up her possible pregnant area while walking through LAX with Eddie Redmayne who is totally the type to use old-timey suitcases as his luggage.
While dingle-brained Backdoor Farrah once again tries to convince everyone that an actual adoption agency is willing to give her another tiny human life to ruin, Matt Dallas (or “WHO?!” to anybody who doesn’t know about the show Kyle XY) and his husband of a year, Blue Hamilton, announced that they have adopted a 2-year-old boy named Crow. Does anybody know if Matt and Blue named Crow or did he get that name from his birth parents? Because I need to know who to direct my judgmental looks toward.
Matt and Blue crammed ten thousand “LOOK AT MY NEW KID” Facebook posts into an 11-minute long video where they talk about why they decided to go with adoption. Crow was in foster care in Arizona and they got a 6-month trial period with him, but they knew from almost the moment meeting him that they wanted to make it permanent. WARNING: This quote will put a certain Rick Astley song in your head. via Towleroad
“We just happened to fall in love with this certain little boy who came to stay with us. During the car ride home, we decided that he was gonna be ours and we weren’t gonna give him up.” Matt added, “There was supposed to be a six month trial period, and there was about a six-minute trial period before we knew he was gonna be ours.”
The video is below. My heart is wet ash covered in ice and even it warmed a little while watching this. But I’m going to the mall in a second so I’m sure it’ll freeze again as a I curse whores out while trying to find a parking space.
And if you didn’t watch all 5 hours of that video and are wondering if Matt’s kid has a bellybutton, the answer is I don’t know, because I didn’t watch every second of it either.
For a while there, it seemed like Hugh Grant was going to George Clooney it through life and would eventually get his baby batter tubes snipped so that he’d never become an actual daddy. But then I guess the alarm on his biological clock went off in a big way, because dude starting shooting raw loads at ovary eggs everywhere. Hugh Grant became a father to 3 babies in 15 months time, and now a fourth one has joined his fast-growing child army. Hugh is probably calling up the producers of that Bridget Jones’s Baby movie to ask them if he can be written in real quick, because those child support payments are adding up.
Last October, The Daily Mail and The Sun said that 55-year-old Hugh knocked up 37-year-old Swedish TV producer Anna Eberstein. They already have a 3-year-old son named John together. They never confirmed that she was pregnant with his second kid. Anna gave birth to a girl last Wednesday and her mom was the one to spill the news to a Swedish newspaper. via UsWeekly
Eberstein’s mom, Susanne, confirmed the news to a Swedish newspaper. “I can confirm that I have another grandchild,” she said. “It is wonderful.”
Anna, Hugh and Tinglan Hong, the mother of his other kids, all supposedly live in separate houses near each other. They’re like a posh version of Sister Wives. Hugh and Tinglan made two children together, a 4-year-old named Tabitha and a 2-year-old named Felix. I curse Hugh Grant’s stupid name whenever I do a post about his fetus-making ways, because it forces me to do extremely simple math. I never paid attention in 1st grade math. I was too busy playing that MASH game with my friends, so it takes me a while to figure out that Hugh made a baby with Tinglan, then Anna, then Tinglan again and then Anna again. So according to math, Tinglan’s tingling right about now, because her ovaries are shaking while waiting for Hugh Grant’s jizz to pay another visit.
People says that noted pussy lover and Tila Tequila’s one-time piece (2009 was a weird time) Billy Corgan made a baby with his girlfriend of 2 years Chloe Mendel, who is a singer-songwriter type and daughter of fashion designer Gilles Mendel. 48-year-old Billy and 22-year-old Chloe live in Chicago together and both work at his tea shop/art studio Madame ZuZu’s. (Fun fact: Chloe was born two years after Smashing Pumpkins’ first album came out. We’re all old and I can feel my pubes turning white.) Chloe birthed out a baby pumpkin prince on November 16 and Billy’s rep just got around to telling everyone it happened. And sadly, Billy didn’t name his son, Stay Away From Rose McGowan Corgan.
The singer-songwriter and Chloe Mendel welcomed their first child, son Augustus Juppiter Corgan, on Monday, Nov. 16, his rep confirms to PEOPLE.
They should’ve went with “Augustus Gloop,” because I speak for all of us when I say that every time we see the name “Augustus” we automatically see “Gloop” after it. I don’t even know what a “Juppiter” is. Did Billy and Chloe just throw that extra p in there to up the fuckery factor? I Googled “Juppiter” and the only thing that came up was a page saying that “juppiter” is an alternative form of “luppiter” and “luppiter” is Latin for Jupiter. There’s nothing more hipster than naming your baby after the alternative form of a Latin name for a Roman God. Well, when Augustus Juppiter gets older, he can start a space-themed electro band with Rocket Zot and Pilot Inspektor.
And I really hope that Kim Gordon sends Billy a note that reads: “Congrats on your newborn, but you’re still the biggest fucking crybaby in your house.”