Category: Attack of the Clones
Tori Spelling Hit The Town In Khloé Kardashian Drag
Tori Spelling (seen above on the left in February 2020 and on the right last Thursday) must not be sweating those rumors about her marriage to Dean McDermott hanging on by an AmEx bill. She’s been out with The Game, and the other night, she celebrated the wrap of her MTV show Messyness with her co-star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. And many have noticed that Tori Spelling is starting to look like she’s Single White Female-ing Khloé Kardashian. Maybe Tori thinks that if she does herself up like Kori Kardashian, Kris Jenner will mistake her for a long-lost daughter and bring her into the Koven. And then Tori’s money problems will be over!
Attack Of The Clones: Jared Leto Channels Kunty Karl
Kim Kartrashian’s yeast infection surprise hair color turned to a bright shade of jealousy green at the Balmain show today when the modern day Dorian Gray named Jared Leto sashayed in while showing that trash heap heffa how the peroxide look is really done.
Five seconds is approximately how long it took Jared Leto to fight the hot again after he stopped fighting the hot by chopping off his ombre Yanni circa 1999 hair. Jared took a Flowbee to his mane to play The Joker in the Suicide Squad movie and he kept the transformation going by bleaching his hair the same color that every teenage trailer park tweaker had in 2002. I’m guessing that Jared is going to keep his transformation into The Joker going by going bright red or bright green. But I, for one, hope he keeps it like this.
I hope this means that in the Suicide Squad movie, The Joker is a cunty, black-hearted German zombie fashion designer who destroys his targets by calling them fat over and over again and who brings Batman to tears by shaming that bitch for wearing black rubber when this season is all about light onyx panda leather. The Joker will also make Superman question everything by saying, “Honey, unless your name is Lupita Nyong’o, don’t try the cape look.” They can even replace Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn with Choupette Lagerfeld. Now THAT is the Suicide Squad movie I want to see.
And here’s more of Jared looking like the golden child of the Death Eaters at the Balmain show in Paris today. And on a different note, the HELL is he wearing? He’s dressed like a toddler whose mom let him pick out his outfit.
Attack Of The Clones: Mad Men Edition
I’ve put this attack of the clones comparison after the jump, because it has a huge spoiler in it. So if you haven’t seen any of the new season of Mad Men, put your eyes on this GIF compilation of Joan’s best nothavingyourshit moments from Sunday’s episode (no spoilers, I think). For the rest of you, GO!
Everybody has said before that Don Draper is like a hotter, skinnier, douchier, drunker and way more complicated (which is saying a lot since Fred Flintstone is SO complicated) Fred Flintstone. And Don’s neighbor/side piece Sylvia is totally Betty Rubble if Betty Rubble jumped into a time machine and traveled to the 1960s. So now we know what it looks like when Betty pulls out Fred’s key during a key party at Joe Rockhead’s house.
I just hope that in a future episode Don will say to Sylvia, “Yabba Dabba Do me.” The writers owe us this for putting these together.
And while looking for a picture of Fred and Betty, my browser took me to a place no browser should take anyone: a site full of Flintstones cartoon porn. I even had to ask myself “Do I want to fap to this?” when looking at a picture of Fred and Barney 69ing. The answer was “yes,” but I cried the whole time.
But Does He Slay Vampires Too?
Last year, a picture made the rounds of Daniel Day-Lewis eating a salad while showing us what it would look like if Abraham Lincoln co-founded Apple and invented the iPhone that picture was taken on. Well, here’s an official picture of DDL in full Lincoln drag in Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln, which comes out in November and also stars Sally Field as Mary Todd Lincoln. DDL looks more like Lincoln than that creepy animatronic Lincoln in Disneyland’s Hall of Presidents. You just want to scream at that picture, “DON’T SIT THERE! GO TO THE BATHROOM! GET SOME FRESH AIR! THIS PLAY SUCKS ANYWAY! GET A KARDASHIAN TO FILL YOUR SEAT!”
And I know Lincoln is supposed to be getting into the play, but those slightly rolled eyes to me that he’s rolling his second blunt.
Attack Of The Clones
On the left is Disney Jr.’s production of The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, and on the right is the epitome of gayelle love Portia de Rossi and her wife Ellen Degeneres at the totally pointless Teen Choice Awards in L.A. last night. You know, I’ve always made stupid jokes about how Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are the Muppet Babies (or the toddler brunette) version of Portia & Ellen and were only created to teach the children that lesbian love is a beautiful thing despite what the Faces of Crazy say, but this proves that there’s a method to my incoherent ramblings (not really).
This also proves that we can finally get rid of Justin Bieber and send him back to the Canadian Hasbro factory from which he came from if we can only get Usher to buy Ellen’s soul when the Canadian dollar dips below the US dollar so that he train her to yodel like a newborn puppy and thrust like a kitten having a seizure. Because if this doesn’t happen, it will only be a matter of time before the apocalypse is summoned when Usher agrees to be Justin & Selena’s sperm donor. Someone should get on that.
So last night was the Teen Choice Awards, which is only around to remind us that teens shouldn’t vote for shit. I mean, voting to give Taylor Swift a lifetime achievement award is making Uncle Sam switch fingers.
Here’s a bunch of pictures of some hos you didn’t know existed, forgot existed or wish didn’t exist. In order: Ty Ty Baby, The Lesbeaver, Rachel Bilson, Rebecca Black, Fergie, Selena Gomez, Ashley Greene, the Kardashian harem, Kowlina Kardashian, Sean Kingston, Blake Lively, Demi Lovato, that one from Glee, Raven, Taylor “Making Marilyn Roll In Her Grave” Swift, Cameron Diaz, Ian Somerhalder, Rupert Grint, Portia & Ellen Jr. and Portia & Ellen.
Attack Of The Clones
On the left is the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice Johnny Weir signing copies of his memoirs at Macy’s in Philadelphia the other day. On the right is the forever reigning pretty pretty prince of the Internet Peter Pan Dude.
Both are what a fluffy white chicken would look like if it tried to escape the farm by disguising itself as Dorothy Hamill. Both could actually convince a room of strangers that Stuart from MADtv was based on them. Both could bedazzle a sheet of toilet paper by wiping their derrieres on it. Both piss hummingbird juice and huckleberry nectar. Both could give a sparkler show just by burping. And both have a nickname for their peen that could double as the name of a Popple.
Johnny is not one to Xerox copy a ho’s entire look, so I will assume he’s paying homage to the one and only Peter Pan Dude. I mean, who doesn’t open their closet in the morning and tell themselves that they want to look like Moe Howard meets Peter Pan Dude meets a Palm Springs divorcee?
