Sluts, hos, tramps, and all other manner of shamelessly sex-positive people had nothing to fear yesterday, for Captain Save-A-Hoe was here!
There was so much fashion fuckery at the MTV VMAs last night, I barely know where to begin! If the Teen Choice Awards are the Middle School dance of awards shows, then the VMA’s are the Junior Prom at an alternative performing arts magnet school. Since it’s high school, I’ll be announcing the winners and losers in several categories. The first category is Most Obvious Genitalia, and that award goes to none other than Nicki Minaj.
There is a very messy feud happening at the moment between Amber Rose and her former mother-in-law, a woman named Katie “Peachie” Wimbush-Polk. But unlike regular people, Amber’s fight with Katie isn’t about what kind of fabric softener she uses (“I didn’t realize you used sandpaper instead of towels, dear“). It’s more like the kind that escalates to the point where both parties involved need to call up their lawyers.
I remember the first time I saw Amber Rose shaking her couch cushion sized ass in videos back in the day, thinking to myself, “She’s cute, but I hope she never opens her mouth.” For years Amber has been the patron saint of “Shut The Fuck Up.” But last week, South Philly’s finest former lap dance associate decided it was time to make every Philadelphian hate her, when she basically stated that all Philly hoes look like Shrek compared to her. Oh Amber. You silly, bald headed fool. You should have known better than to come for Philly, because when you do, we will chop you up finer than a Dallesandro’s cheesesteak. The backlash she received from her comments prompted a third leg of her endless “I Need More Attention” tour, with Amber apologizing once again.
It’s almost time for SlutWalk! That’s the yearly march held by sound sleeper Amber Rose in L.A. to call attention to “sexual injustice and gender inequality.” It’s a fabulous event – a veritable Gathering of the Sluts! To promote this year’s event, Amber posted a sensual, yet utterly tasteful photo of herself on Instagram.
Amber’s pubic bush makes for a gleaming entrance to true ecstasy and we don’t need anyone dying of heatstroke of the genitals. You can check it all out right here:
Amber Rose is the latest famous person to have their house broken into. But unlike previous victims who were robbed of diamonds and jewels, Amber was robbed of the ability to fall asleep without thinking of the time she woke up to scary security footage of a stranger chilling in her house.