The Look: Elle Fanning’s Prada Sandals On Roids

Dakota Fanning, Kellan Lutz, Dr. Blossom, Ashley Greene, Stephenie Meyer, Shar Jackson (??????), Nikki Reed and Taylor Lautner were all flattened to the carpet at The Twatlight Saga: Breaking Hymen – Part 2 premiere in Los Angeles last night after 2-year-old Elle Fanning stomped on all of them. Little Elle Fanning barely learned how to walk by herself like four days ago and she’s already mastered the art of stomping in fucked up sandals made of plastic bricks, pink ribbon and chrome leather. Elle Fanning is practically a child, so I can’t give her any hate for wearing orthopedic sandals for geishas. Millionaire movie star children don’t know any better, because everyone around them will lie to them and tell them they look good. They usually don’t have a grandma around who will grab them by the hair and refuse to let them leave the house looking like a damn fool. If they had a grandma like that, they’d fire her ass for talking back.

These ugly ass shoes have a serious identity crisis. They don’t know if they want to be platform flip-flops, a Jenga tower, Getas on growth hormones or moon shoes for My Little Ponies. The only thing they do know is that they want to be as ugly as possible. When Prada put this nasty shit on the runway, they paired them with rubber socks! It’s kind of funny that Prada paired these sandals with socks that can double as lady condoms, because there’s no way you’re getting laid if you wear that nasty shit on your feet. Wearing these sandals is foot abuse in more ways than one.

Now that Elle Fanning has brought them to the mainstream, I’m sure snotty rich kids will start wearing them everywhere. That’s not a bad thing, actually. Cackling after seeing a brat fall in ridiculous shoes IS my favorite pastime.

You Can’t Keep John Travolta’s Wig Down For Long

What I mean by that is that somebody should’ve snatched that carpet sample off of his head, because it is dreadful. Anyway, for the first time since everybody learned about the terrifying adventures of John Travolta’s man finger-eating whirlpool anus, he put on a brave wig and came out (not like that) to honor Shirley MacLaine last night. No, John wasn’t presenting Shirley with the Sally’s Beauty Supply Lifetime Achievement Award in Lace Front-Wearing. Shirley was the recipient of the AFI Life Achievement Award and John was there to honor her. I really don’t know who’s wig game is worse: Shirley or John’s. Shirley’s looks like it’s slowly shifting off of her head and John’s wig is laid like a sod square.

The likes of Meryl Streep, Dakota Fanning, Mena Suvari, Melanie Griffith and Jennifer Aniston thought to themselves, “That is such a realistic wax figure of a Vulcan Dracula” as John Travolta spit out nice words about Shirley. I appreciate that John is showing us what Eddie Munster would look like if he grew into his widow’s peak, but damn. Bitch needs to pull out his payroll sheet and erase the name of the ho who keeps buying his wigs at Leonard Nimoy’s yard sale.

And if you were about to announce the countdown for the inevitable “Angie’s fame whoring leg vs. Aniston’s fame whoring leg” battle, save your bref.

“Cooooooooooooooke?”

Don’t you just hate it when you mistake a salt shaker for a coke shaker (see: picture of LiLo above)?

As expected, Fox News kept up their reputation as the hardest working fuckery makers in the game by bringing a triple dose of fame whore to last night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner at the Hilton in DC. Lindsay Lohan came as a guest of Fox’s Greta van Susteren, and Kim Kuntrashian and Pimp Mama Kris came as guests of Fox’s affiliate in the 9th circle of Hell. LiLo actually bathed with soap for the occasion and covered her freckled carcass with the discount Windsor Fashions dress you wore to your prom in 1989. Even though that cheap ass dress looks like it was made with doggy poop bags, it was perfect for the occasion. It showcased her saggy wrinkly side tit and its skirt completely covered up the bags that were strapped to her thighs to hold all the silverware, jooree and centerpieces she stole from the event. “What did I do with my diamond bracelet?” is definitely the most used sentence in DC this morning.

As for Kim and PMK, they dressed up as Whore Kristmas. Kim wore a velvet dress that’s the exact shade of the fumes that billow out of her cooze hole after she bumps wet parts with Kanye.  Pimp Mama Kris wore her creator’s favorite color and it looked like a dynamite stick stuffed with foundation blew up in her face right before she walked through a wind tunnel. Not only is bitch’s face pulled, but so is her hair. Pimp Mama Kris’ hair was standing straight up like it was reaching for God to help it.

I couldn’t find any pictures of Kim and LiLo together, but I’m assuming there will be some later after pictures from the Secret Service’s after-party held at the Super 8 in Virginia come out. In the meantime, here’s some pictures from last night. In order: LiLo, Rick Santorum (getting a quick buzz from breathing in the coke dust cloud that surrounds LiLo), Kim with PMK, Mary J. Blige with her husband Kendu Isaacs, DanRad with Ronan Farrow, Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Claire Danes, Sookeh with Beehl, Goldie Hawn, Rosario Dawson with a pair of plastic baby heads, Dakota Fanning, Ginnifer Goodwin (after a bedskirt bukkake session), Eva Longoria, Zooey Deschanel, Swizz Beak with Alicia Keys, Martha Stewart, Viola Davis with her husband Julius Tennon and Oprah’s handmaiden.

Dakota Fanning’s Marc Jacobs Ad Banned In The UK

When I look at this ad for Marc Jacobs’ “Oh, Lola!” perfume, I see a 17-year-old Dakota Fanning giving a Leela from Futurama eye to the camera while squeezing a gigantic bottle full of enough stank to last several lifetime. But when the British Advertising Standards Authority look at this ad, they see a blonde prostitot throwing sexy eyes at the camera while holding a blooming vagine between her legs and they don’t like this sucio shit. They have pulled our their pristine white gloves and shooed this ad all the way back to Baby Whoretown. The ad, which came out here in the land of Toddlers & Tiaras back in June, was banned forever and the ASA released this statement about it:

“We noted that the model was holding up the perfume bottle which rested in her lap between her legs and we considered that its position was sexually provocative. We understood the model was 17 years old but we considered she looked under the age of 16. We considered that the length of her dress, her leg and position of the perfume bottle drew attention to her sexuality. Because of that, along with her appearance, we considered the ad could be seen to sexualise a child. We therefore concluded that the ad was irresponsible and was likely to cause serious offence.”

Well, damn. Since they put it like that. But I applaud Britain for banning this ad and only because it’s a piece of shit picture that looks like it was taken on a first generation iPhone and printed out on a printer that was nearly out of ink. Throw that shit to the trash pile. And since Marc Jacobs will obviously need a replacement, might I suggest an of age bitch named Lola who really knows how to work a camera. I present, Lola of Draw Me Like One Of Your French Girls fame.

That is how you do provocative! And full disclosure: I have no idea if that pug’s name is Lola, but look at that room. Somebody that lives in that house is named Lola and I have a feeling we’re looking at the ho.

Time To Feel Old

The year Dakota Fanning was born, some of us we were watching a speeding white Bronco on our GoldStar televisions in between sipping on Citra soda and choosing which free Vhs movies we want from Columbia House. And now look what Dakota Fanning did yesterday. File this under: Things that make a white hair sprout out of my ear hole (right after “bringing a sweater with me to the movie theater” and “saying ‘yes” to car rental insurance“).

Popeater reports that 17-year-old Dakota Fanning turned her tassel and threw her cap up with her fellow high school graduates at the Walt Disney Concert Hall in L.A. yesterday afternoon. Dakota actually earned a real high school diploma and not a GED she got from writing down the answers her tutor whispered into her earpiece because she was too busy doing tequila shots off of Colin Farrell’s nutsack to study.

Dakota is supposed to start college at NYU this fall.

NOOOOO. NOOOO. And NOOOOOO. This is not supposed to happen. Hollywood scientists were supposed to keep Dakota Fanning a little girl forever. Because when Dakota grows, the reality that we’ll all be massaging each other’s achy anuses with Icy Hot gets closer. A young Dakota Fanning was the real fountain of youth. Actually, since I put it that way. Rubbing each other’s achy anuses doesn’t sound that bad. You get the Icy Hot and I’ll grab my sweater.

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

This out B list television and movie actress just cannot resist cheating on her significant other. At this point, she does not even care who it is, or if she gets caught. She is confident her significant other will not leave her. She is kind of turning into the female version of Jeremy Piven. (CDAN)

This cannot be Cynthia Nixon. First of all, Cynthia Nixon is forever tip toe dancing on top of the A-list. Second of all, if she so much as put her tongue on another person’s lips outside of work, all of her ginger follicles would quit her and find a new home on Rojo Caliente’s crotch. That’s just fact.

This could be Portia de Rossi, but she’s sitting in a solid gold bath tub full of pink diamonds and shredded hundred dollar bills, and I doubt she’d fuck that up. So I’ll go with Amber Heard? Final guess.

This recording artist has had a very successful solo career for the past few years, and has also collaborated with both black and white artists on other projects. At least one of his albums has been #1 on Billboard, and he has had multiple Grammy nominations/wins. But while he may be a great artist, he’s not a great guy. He has had legal problems in the past, but there are two secrets that he has managed to keep from the public.

The first big secret is that he is in the habit of hiring hookers, having sex with them, and then beating them up. This is one seriously angry guy. The second big secret is that these are male hookers he’s been hiring, not female. Yes, this recording artist is gay.

Not 50 Cent. (Blind Gossip)

Tom Jones! Get yourself a Valium enema. No, Tom Jones would never beat a male hooker without permission. I’ll say either: Kanye West, Chris Brown, Eminem, Wheelchair Jimmy or Justin Bieber (swatting, scratching and pulling hair counts as beating)?

Which Hollywood hunk is known behind closed doors for asking women to slap him around while calling him “a bad boy?” He is also said to like sex toys. (Page Six)

George Clooney? And he should definitely hook up with whoever’s the answer in the blind item above. Match made.