Archives: August 2016

U.S. Soccer Is Officially Tired Of Hope Solo’s Antics

August 25, 2016 / Posted by:

I would not want to be a lamp or a dinner plate or a relative in Hope Solo’s house today. The possibility that this recent news has caused her to go all “Hope SMASH!” on the nearest breakable is pretty high. The New York Times says that Hope has been suspended for six months for the tantrum she threw in Rio after Team USA was eliminated from the Olympics by Team Sweden. Hope referred to Team Sweden as “a bunch of cowards.” U.S. Soccer didn’t think that was very sportsmanlike of her, and they’ve put her ass on the bench for six months as punishment.

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The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For August 24th!

August 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Farrah Abraham sold Ronco the rights to her original anal hole mold. – Dingle Berry

Upvote winners (it’s a 3-way!):

Whatever it is, we know Nicolas Cage wants to buy it. – G-ball

Nothing to see here, guys. Julia Roberts just had to have a tooth extracted. – janice

Man. How’d they ever get Britney to finally spit out her gum? – Texndoc

Pic: The Guardian

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Mayor Duke of Cormorant, Minnesota!

Mayor Duke was Hot Slut of the Day back in 2014, but I am re-electing him, because as America’s only trustworthy politician, he deserves it! The now 9-year-old Great Pyrenees destroyed his only opponent, a human store owner, 2 years ago when most of the 12 write-in votes cast went to him. Mayor Duke spent his first term sleeping, drooling, farting, sleeping, eating, begging and sleeping, and that’s much more than most human politicians do, so the people of Cormorant voted him into a second term in 2015! And on Saturday, Mayor Duke made history when he was re-elected for a third term in a historical landslide election. Mayor Duke didn’t even have to campaign. He didn’t have to hand out “#ImWithFur” or “Make America Bark Again”  t-shirts or suck a bunch of ass. (Sure, he sniffed and licked ass, but he didn’t do it for votes. He did it because he wanted to.)

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Birthday Sluts

August 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Alexander Skarsgård (40)
Alexandra Burke (28)
Blake Lively (29)
Rachel Bilson (35)
Kel Mitchell (38)
Ben Falcone (43)
Jo Dee Messina (46)
Claudia Schiffer (46)
Cameron Mathison (47)
Rachael Ray (48)
Tom Hollander (49)
Blair Underwood (52)
Billy Ray Cyrus (55)
Ally Walker (55)
Tim Burton (58)
Elvis Costello (62)
Rob Halford (65)
Gene Simmons (67)
Tom Skerritt (83)
Regis Philbin (85)
Sean Connery (86)
Monty Hall (95)

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Night Crumbs

August 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Sarah Paulson went to an event wearing an ensemble that looks like the broken condom baby of a June bug and Dorthy Michaels from Tootsie, and I love it! – Lainey Gossip

Yolanda Hadid says she’s close to declaring victory in her battle against Lyme – Reality Tea 

Professional vacationer Lindsay Lohan is still on vacation – Drunken Stepfather

First of all, Kate Upton looks too human-like to look like a Kartrashian. Second of all, she better carry around several cans of pepper spray, because Khlozilla is going try to maul her if they ever meet in the streets – Celebitchy

Bella Thorne might be bumping coochies with her brother’s ex-girlfriend whose also named Bella. I’ve seen this Jerry Springer episode before…. – The Superficial 

A thing I did today: Spend way too long staring at Kristen Stewart’s butt because the headline made me – Popoholic

The Gay Bachelor says that he can’t stand fakeness. Well, then he’s gone to the right place, because we all know that reality shows are anything but fake! – Towleroad

Usain Bolt plucked another blossom from the garden of elegance – Hollywood Tuna

Speaking of blossoms from the garden of elegance, here’s two whose petals are also covered with demureness and gentility – The Nip Slip 

Connie Britton is probably phasing herself out of Nashville. Take Scarlett with you, Rayna! I beseech you! – Jezebel

This video for The View’s new theme song is some fuckery, but it’s not “Mary J. Blige’s Burger King commercial” levels of fuckery – OMG Blog

Renee Zellweger is talking about aging in Hollywood again – Just Jared

Kate Gosselin still exists and she’s still talking about her kids’ private lives for quick cash – HuffPo

Since Ryan Lochte is losing around $1 million in endorsements, he may be hungry for a check and where do sort-of famous tricks go when they need a check and some more attention? Dancing with the Stars, of course! – Popsugar

I still would – SOW

Pic: Getty

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Lifetime Is Making A Britney Spears Biopic

August 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Someone in Hollywood has finally stepped up and is making a highly-detailed and accurate historical biography about an extremely important American figure and that someone is Lifetime! The Hollywood Reporter says that Lifetime will follow up their Emmy-winning (in my head) biopics of Elizabeth Taylor, Anna Nicole Smith, Whitney Houston, Brittany Murphy, Donatella Versace and Aaliyah with a television masterpiece on the life and times of Brit Brit Spears. Jiffy Pop better come out with a very special Cheetos-flavored popcorn for this momentous occasion, because I’m going to need something to snack on while hate-watching this magnificent disaster.

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