Former TSB (Taylor Swift Boyfriend) Calvin Harris won the MTV VMA for Best Male Video last night for “This Is What You Came For“, which is kind of funny, considering the video for “This Is What You Came For” is pretty much a glorified photoshoot starring Rihanna. Calvin couldn’t be there to accept his award in person because he was in the UK performing a show. Calvin did film an acceptance speech and he thanked everyone but a certain media-manipulating folk art doll, that is.
The last time Britney Spears performed at the MTV VMAs was during her Pink Wig Days in 2007 and her “sad stripper falling asleep against the pole in a truck stop bathroom at 9:30 on a weekday morning” performance left everyone with chunky layer of WTF on their faces. But with help from Daddy Spears’ cheese grits-covered ladle, Brit Brit has come a long way and made her triumphant return to the VMAs last night!
Drake looks cool on the outside, but you know on the inside he’s thinking, “She just touched my hand! I’m never going to wash it ever again.”
About three-quarters into the MTV VMAs last night, I started to get worried that Rihanna was never going to get that Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award they promised her. It felt like she just kept slinking on stage for more and more performances. Rihanna performed four medleys, which you can watch here. MTV let RiRi do whatever she wanted on stage, and she did. Sadly, she was denied a fifth performance that included RiRi smoking a giant joint while spraying her background dancers down with a fireman’s hose filled with champagne. But that’s probably because MTV needed to keep it moving and give her that moon man. Eventually she got her award, which of course was presented her by the President of the Rihanna Fan Club, Drake.
When jazz dancing in a green kitty-cat dragon leotard at a bus stop, avoid eye contact with freaks. – THE Eunice Burns
Upvote winners (it’s a 3-way tie!):
Who knew Hell had a bus stop? – Chad Williams
Silly rabbit, tricks are for truck stops! – MamaseMamasa
Creepin’ in the rain, I’m creepin’ in the rain… – mumbles
Laura Perlongo, the knocked up girlfriend of Catfish’s Nev Schulman who wore an ensemble from a Pea in the Pod’s LOOK AT ME OH GOD LOOK AT ME collection.
Paramedics with armfuls of IV drips full of Gatorade and Pedialyte are usually standing by at the MTV VMAs, because so many thirsty tricks show up with stage 10 dehydration. But paramedics weren’t that busy last night, because the “white carpet” was pretty tame and boring and nobody showed up in nothing but a bedazzled clit mitten (a clitten), a dangling anal ring and blinking neon light pasties. (Miley Cyrus didn’t go or she would’ve worn that.) But thankfully, someone did get the memo to look as attention-starved as possible!
Laura served up baby brain chic and I say “baby brain chic,” because she obviously forgot to wear a shirt. Laura paired a bootleg Member’s Only jacket and a body chain from Spencer’s Gifts with a touch of Demi Moore’s Vanity Fair cover. What I love most is that besides Laura not wearing a shirt, they’re dressed so normal. They look like they’re going to dinner at Applebee’s. They were probably heading out the door and realized that since nobody is really checking for them, they have to do something extra thirsty to get attention so Laura lost the shirt. Such a simple move that got them maximum attention whore results.
And Laura and Nev really made eyeballs roll every which way when he dropped to his knees and hugged and kissed on her bump. They became a living and breathing Awkward Family Photos pregnancy picture. Thank you, Laura and Nev, for leaving your shame and shirt at home. Someone had to!
Robin Leach (75)
Courtney Stodden (22)
Liam Payne (23)
Nicole Anderson (26)
Lauren Collins (30)
Lea Michele (30)
William Levy (36)
Chris Johnson (39)
Dante Basco (41)
Carla Gugino (45)
Meshell Ndegeocello (48)
Frances Ruffelle (51)
Todd English (56)
Rebecca De Mornay (57)
Mark Morris (60)
Deborah Van Valkenburgh (64)
Temple Grandin (69)
Joel Schumacher (77)
Elliot Gould (78)
John McCain (80)
William Friedkin (81)
Michael Jackson (1958-2009)