Archives: August 2016

Open Post: Hosted By A Russian Pussy And Her Baby Squirrel Monkey Child

August 24, 2016 / Posted by:

So far today we’ve posted about abortion, anorexia, racist trolls and even more disturbing, the relationship between Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift, so I figured this place needed some lightness and cuteness. So here’s this awww-inducing video from Russia (aka the country that Lindsay Lohan will soon be the First Lady of) starring a 16-year-old cat named Rosinka and the abandoned baby squirrel monkey named Fyodor who now calls her mама. The Associated Press says that Fyodor became an orphan after his mom decided that, you know, she just doesn’t want to be tied down to a child and wants to run off to the big city to try to be a singer. Story as old as time!

Fyodor and his EX-MOM were living at a zoo in the Siberian city of Tyumen and the director, Tatyana Antropova, took him home with her one day. Tatyana’s cat Rosinka and Fyodor immediately bonded, and even though she’s old and over it (see: picture above), she still plays with him. Fyodor will eventually go back to the zoo in a month, but for now, he’s loving life with his pussy mom. This video of them features a guest appearance by the Russian Anne of Green Gables.

It’s nice knowing that there’s a tinge of sweetness in this shitty world. (P.S. – If you later read that Rosinka had it with Fyodor and ate him, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. It’ll be our first secret.)

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Jennifer Lopez And Casper Smart Have Broken Up Again

August 24, 2016 / Posted by:

If you own a pawn shop, take a good look at all that jewelry on Casper Smart’s body. You’ll want to have an appraisal estimate handy in case he swings by. It’s been a while since Casper the Kept Man has had to pay for anything on his own, and I’m sure he’ll want to liquidate some of his assets once he realizes how much the cost of living has risen.

And Just Like That, Amy Schumer Has Earned A Spot On Anna Wintour’s Shit List

August 24, 2016 / Posted by:

There’s a good reason for why in that picture Amy Schumer looks like she’d rather be taking selfies with fans while getting a pap smear from Edward Scissorhands in the middle of a subway platform in August. That’s because she would! Amy put on that busted dress to go to the parade of fancy assholes known as the Met Gala, and she told Howard Stern that it may as well have been held at a labor camp in North Korea, because it was torture! Let’s all join hands and say a prayer of thanks to the lord for the fact that Amy Schumer was somehow able to get through the pain and suffering of sipping fine champagne while staring at Idris Elba in a tux. She is so brave. So strong.

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BREAKING! There’s Been Trouble In Taylor Swift And Tom Hiddleston’s Perfect Couple Paradise

August 24, 2016 / Posted by:

A source tells UsWeekly that the catalogue-perfect love between human-sized Royal Doulton figurine Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston might not be as perfect and wonderful as it seems. The living wedding cake toppers had a “major argument” earlier this month. Apparently Taylor had woken up at 2am one morning to a loud screeching sound coming from the kitchen and found Tom shoving his I Heart TS tank down the garbage disposal. No, that’s not the reason. The source says their fight was over Tom’s busy schedule. An insider claims that things hit a rough patch once Tom had to stop posing for paps around the world and go back to work on Thor: Ragnarok in Australia.

“There was so much going on so it was hard making their schedules work, and they were upset they couldn’t see each other.”

In case that “source” wasn’t clear enough, Taylor and Tom got into a fight because they just can’t stand the idea of being away from each other for longer than 24 hours. I guess I missed the part in James Bond’s character profile that said 007 was a Stage-5 clinger?

But you shouldn’t expect to see Taylor throwing a box of Tom’s navy zip-ups onto the lawn of her Rhode Island mansion. The source would like you to know that even though Tom is busy with filming, they’re “making it work.” Hmmmm…I wonder how they’re doing that? I’m sure it definitely doesn’t involve a two-way baby monitor hung around Tom’s neck on a I Heart TS lanyard. “Tom! Tom! Put another straw in that Diet Coke, I want to pretend we’re both drinking from it. I don’t care if Chris Hemsworth is laughing at you, JUST DO IT, TOM.

Pic: Splash

Courteney Cox Regrets Some Of The Stuff She’s Done To Her Face

August 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Courteney Cox is not a hot white dude celebrity who can help boost ratings by getting his nipples out to do homoerotic action with Bear Grylls, so I’m not sure why she was on Running Wild, but she was. I didn’t see Courteney’s episode, which aired on Monday, but I’m going to take a wild guess and say that she and Bear did the usual like give themselves a deer piss enema and spend the night inside of the carcass of a dead elk. And in between that, Bear transformed into a regular Diane Sawyer and the two got deep.

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