Archives: August 2016

Open Post: Hosted By The Turtle That Fell In Love With A Drain Cover

August 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Believe it or not, I’ve fallen in love with worse. KCAL 9 reports that Fresno, California’s Touche the Tortoise busted out of her tortoise prison and slowly ambled six and a half miles. Why? She did it for love! When her owner Nancy Knauss finally found Touche, this is what she was dismounting from:

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That’s the reason Touche busted out. To get some of that tortoise-shaped drain cover dick. Touche’s caretaker lady thinks that Touche fell in love with the drain cover due to its shape. Unfortunately for Touche, that drain cover looks like the kind of municipal equipment you have a good time with once, and then they’re off to the next hermit crab or whatever. Again, we have something in common. I’ve fallen in love with plenty of things due to their shape, only to find out that either the presentation was a lie or the “storm drain cover” came attached to a douche!

Check out the story of how Touche the Tortoise found her true love below!

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Amber Rose Lost Count

August 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Amber Rose had Ty Dolla $ign on her Vh1 talk show called The Amber Rose Show last night and the talk turned to sex. Sluttery activist Amber does not pull any punches when it comes to talking about humping and nor should she. Own it, Ms. Rose! In a flowing pantsuit as red as sin and twice as sexy, and sporting those voluptuous breasts, she asked Ty about which gender was “freakier.” She also asked if he feels that woman hold back on being freaky during sex because they’re afraid they won’t be seen as marriage material. And she also wondered if he cares about the number of sexual partners his lady friends have had in the past. Amber herself volunteered that she has no idea how many men she’s slept with.

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Katy Perry Feels Bad For The Guy Who Was Catfished By Someone Posing As Her

August 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Forgotten Taylor Swift enemy Katy Perry feels terrible that some dude in Tennessee was in an online relationship with someone posing as her for six years. I feel bad for him, too. In addition to all the hearthache and psychological trauma, the world is now aware that you were catfished by someone posing as friggin’ Katy Perry. Why couldn’t Fate have eased up on the guy and had him catfished by a hot celebrity, say, Dame Judi Dench? Or Joanne the Scammer?

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Larry King’s Kids Think His Wife Is Controlling His Mind

August 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Ancient talking head Larry King, 82, and his Nancy Reagan’s secret lovechild with the dummy from Dead Silence-looking wife Shawn King, 56, are once again in the new due to an alleged affair she had. The couple did a TV interview together this past week to dispel the rumors that their marriage is verging on code black (again). People reports that Larry’s kids weren’t feeling the interview, and think that Shawn’s Botox usage has activated mutant powers of mind control within her, and she’s using them to overtake Larry’s brain. Either that or Larry was like, “Let’s just do the damn interview because I’m old and don’t need the world’s guff and there’s no way Shawn’s gettin’ my CNN money!

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Here’s Kim Kardashian At Her Husband’s “Famous” Exhibit

August 27, 2016 / Posted by:

The song and video that started the most important and future-scorching clash of pop stars in the 21st century so far is also an art exhibit. Kanye West has displayed those nude, night terror-inducing celebrity figures from the video for “Famous” at a “secret art exhibition” somewhere in Los Angeles. A blonde Kim Kardashian-West attended the show yesterday, along with the one with the modeling career that has nothing to do with nepotism. Kanye was there, too. On a video monitor that he was operating by remote control so he could chat about himself on two coasts at once. In the video on TMZ, it looks like, wait, is it moving? No. NO. Imagine a video Yeezus rolling up at you to complain about how the whore derves look over Skype? *shiver* He’s in NYC to perform his top-secret free-for-all shitshow at the VMAs tomorrow night, but his ego is far too bloated to let Kimmy have all the press at HIS exhibition.

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 27, 2016 / Posted by:

Princess, the Finders Keypers swan!

The toy artistes of the 80s did not mess around and gave the children (and future ravers) a toy for everything. They’d drop acid, scan their office for ideas, spot a lockbox transforming into a pastel pink snail going to an old-timey Easter party and say, “That’s our next hit!” Finders Keypers (also just called “Keypers“) were the 80s version of piggy banks. They were a line of plastic toys that had hot new wave hairstyles and a secret compartment for kids to hide all of their most prized valuables and heirlooms (Sweet Secrets, Tinkerbell nail polish, necklace charms, the baby from The Heart Family, etc…). ADT must have been a consultant on Finders Keypers, because you could lock up your valuables with a key. You know that all of Lindsay Lohan’s little friends had one and would look up their shit before she came over for a playdate.

The adult Keypers had a big compartment with a key, and their baby had a slit in their body for kids to put coins in. Each Keyper came with a “Finder,” which was a tiny flashlight to help kids find their lost stuff. Here’s the Keypers in action, and HAHA at that little thief’s robbery plot getting foiled!

Below are just a few pictures of some Keypers, but the most glamorous of them was today’s HSOTD Princess. She was a swan who had a stream of luscious pink polyester hair flowing out of her head and an opulent plastic crown. Princess was more secure than Fort Knox, because every time a shameless thief tried to break into her, they would find themselves hypnotized by her glamour, which would cause them to fumble while trying to pick her lock and they’d just give up.

Pics: Flickr, Strong Mind, Pinterest

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