Archives: August 2016

I Think Beyonce Cast Several Illuminati Spells During Her VMAs Performance

August 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Those demonic cunt-hearted executives at Mylan Pharmaceuticals became even richer tonight when thousands upon thousands of members of the Behive needed to use several EpiPens after nearly stinging themselves dead when their Queen performed for what felt like 4 hours during the MTV VMAs.

Tonight on MTV was the BEYONCE EXTRAVAGANZA SHOW (featuring that awards show where they sometimes give out a moon man trophy) and she spent a chunk of time delivering a few songs from “Lemonade.” In the span of her entire performance, Beyonce did a few Illuminati rituals, re-enacted the Salem Witch Trials in its entirety and tried to lure Dracula out by presenting all of his brides.

Thanks for the “Lemonade,” Beyoncé.

Posted by MTV on Sunday, August 28, 2016


If you work with a hardcore member of the Beyhive expect them to call in dead tomorrow morning, because their Jesus’ performance killed them and it’s a little hard to go to work when they’re lying in a casket.

And here’s Beyonce wearing some kind of “Liberace as a Fraggle Rock” shit while posing with Blue Ivy Carter on the white carpet. If you turned these pictures of Beyonce upside down, it’d look like she’s coming out of a Muppet’s pussy.

Pics:, Getty


Kanye West Was As Modest And Humble As Ever At The VMAs

August 28, 2016 / Posted by:

When it was reported that MTV was giving Kanye West 4 minutes to do whatever he wanted at the VMAs, I figured that he’d come on stage completely naked, sprawl his legs out in front of a three-way mirror and jack off to his own reflection with one hand while finger blasting his asshole with the other as he screamed his own name. And I was right! Sort of. Kanye did that in speech form.

Kanye walked out on stage and he rambled out a stream of messiness about calling Taylor Swift, the violence in Chicago, oppression, comparing himself to Steve Jobs and Walt Disney and his wife being a “G” (and in this case “g” stands for GiganticFameWhore). He also shouted out Amber Rose. It was like his Twitter come-to-life, and it was also like the kind of coked-up Ted Talk that makes you tell yourself to never watch a Ted Talk again. Nobody loves hearing Kanye speak (I could stop right there and it’d still be a fact) more than Kanye loves hearing Kanye speak:

And after mess, he played his video for Fade for starring Teyana Taylor. This video is Flashdance wrapped in Janet Jackson’s Pleasure Principle and covered with a thin layer of Cremaster and two thick drops of Jocelyn Wildenstein’s cat saliva.

That terrifying “Thundercat on human” shit is the reason why my eyes will stay wide open tonight.

And here’s Kanye with Kim who wore a dress that made her look like she’s got a 3-foot long vagina (“So what you’re saying is that her vagina looked smaller than usual.” – your ass)

Pics: Splash

Mexican Icon Juan Gabriel Has Died

August 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Grab your finest and biggest goblet, fill it with wine and pour it all out, because the world has lost yet another legend. 2016 better run, hide and pray to all the saints, because millions of abuelitas are going to beat that evil trick with chancletas. Latin music icon Juan Gabriel (born name: Alberto Aguilera Valadez) died of a heart attack today. He was only 66.

Publicists for Juan Gabriel confirmed to the Associated Press that he is now in heaven, tickling the eardrums of the angels with his voice and tingling their retinas with his raw emotional showmanship and glamorous style (see: that picture above of him working a pom-poms tuxedo bomber jacket like no one ever will again). TMZ says that the police were called to Juan Gabriel’s home in Santa Monica, CA this morning. He was pronounced dead at home.

Juan Gabriel was on tour and he had just performed at the Forum in L.A. on Friday night.

Juan Gabriel is one of Latin music’s greatest and he’s sold more than 100 million albums worldwide. If you come from a Latin family, then you’ve probably spent many parties watching your drunk aunties dance barefoot in the middle of the living room to one of his songs.

Juan Gabriel is survived by his four children.

Rest in peace, Juan Gabriel.

Pic: Getty


Open Post: Hosted By The Return Of Drunktina

August 28, 2016 / Posted by:

As Brit Brit Spears did her mouth stretches (aka chew gum) to prepare to LIP SYCNH FOR HER FRAPP at the MTV VMAs tonight, her one-time arch rival Christina Aguilera brought out the return of Drunktina for the paps outside of the Up & Down Club in NYC on Friday night. Xtina’s official human walking cane/piece Matthew Rutler must have been on babysitting duty on Friday night, because a friend and a bodyguard were the ones who helped her conquer the difficult sport of drunk-walking in heels. That friend or employee deserves a prize or a raise, because she held it together while inhaling the booze fart that Xtina’s red lipstick-covered b-hole pooted out. Drunktina’s fart face gave that away.

Xtina’s look here is “grunge Jessica Rabbit” meets “Wynonna Judd in Private Benjamin” meets “casual Friday Peg Bundy” and that is the look, but she loses major points and also disappointed me with that faded lipstick game (see: pictures of her in the car below). Unlike her indestructible lip liner, Xtina’s lead-based mouth paint faded a bit on her top lip. I always thought that the only way to remove Xtina’s lipstick is with a sandblaster and a prayer. I don’t know what to believe anymore.

And those of us who are watching the VMAs tonight will probably be channeling Drunktina. The only things that will get us through that show will be the sweet nectar and (NSFW!!!) McDonald’s new and improved McChicken with secret sauce. I know, I’m acting like the new McChicken is still available and like the Kartrashians didn’t already buy out their entire supply.

Pics: Splash

Charlie Sheen’s Child Support Woes Are Over (For Now)

August 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Back in March, Charlie Sheen went to a judge and said that those Two and a Half Men residual checks ain’t what they used to be and asked that his monthly child support payments to Denise Richards and Brooke Mueller be decreased. Charlie claimed he couldn’t afford those giant child support checks for his four kids, because his million-dollar days were behind him. He said that he’s only making a little over $87, 000 a month now. That’s still a lot of money, but it doesn’t take a Suze Orman to see that that’s no where near enough to cover the two $55,000 checks he wrote to Denise and Brooke each month.

Denise and Brooke could have fought Charlie for the money, but instead they decided to play nice and give him a child support break. Just call them Charlie’s Financial Angels.

Justin Bieber And Sofia Richie Are Grossing It Up In Mexico

August 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Earlier this month, everyone reported that Justin Bieber was maybe-dating Lionel Richie’s barely 18-year-old daughter Sofia Richie. The last time we heard about Justin’s (dry heaves) sex life, he had maybe ditched Sofia for a model named Bronte Blampied. I know you’re all dying to know if he’s still with a person whose name reads like an eye exam test. He’s not. At least not right now. Justin was recently in Mexico with Sofia, and by the looks of the heave-making PDA display they put on, they’re definitely currently a thing.

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