August is usually the month people set their brains to “Fuck it, it’s summer” and do the bare minimum required to keep the train rolling. But not at Forbes magazine. They have been busy adding up the dollars made by famous people last year.
Last week we learned that for the second year in a row Forbes named Jennifer Lawrence the highest-paid actress in the world, and that The Rock was the highest-paid actor. Forbes released another list of super rich people, and this time it’s the world’s highest-paid models of 2016. If your bank account crawled into a corner and cried after seeing how much money JLaw and The Rock made for playing pretend, well, you better go set up a nice blanket in its favorite corner. Because Gisele Bundchen also made a whole lot of money.
And in a surprising PLOT TWIST, the lady getting all shanti shanti on a plane was not Namalookatme Master Hilaria Baldwin. Not this time, anyway.
Flying is hard and some of us deal with it by chanting the ancient mantra, “Um, excuse me, but can I have some wine and please keep them coming,” before going into a deep meditation that involves blasting songs by Seduction into our ears through headphones while watching porn on an iPad under a blanket. But others deal with the mile high struggle other ways, like this lady who busted out a mini yoga class on a short flight from Los Angeles to Cabo. You probably already looked at those screen shots and said, “If that’s not Hilaria Baldwin, then she’s a definitely a Californian.”
Chris Brown started his day yesterday by saying, “Fuck the police,” on Instagram after he was accused of pointing a gun at a woman, and his day ended with the police saying, “No, fuck YOU,” to him after taking his $250,000 bail money. The Los Angeles Times says that Chris bailed out of the Los Angeles County Jail at 11:15 last night. He has to show up to a hearing on September 20. Fisty was booked on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, which is a felony, for allegedly threatening a chick with a gun at his house in Tarzana early yesterday morning. Chris swears that he’s innocent and that he couldn’t have waved a gun at a woman, because he was asleep. Maybe Fisty was asleep. Some tricks walk in their sleep, maybe Chris Brown pulls guns on women in his sleep. It’s very possible.
Good celebrity peen pics are about as rare as a day that doesn’t end with you weeping at the bottom of a hot shower while clutching a vino sippy cup full of Barefoot white zin. (What? Just me?) So many of us peen pic dilettantes (yes, I have a Word of the Day calendar) appreciated when Orlando Bloom made the brave decision to go naked paddle boarding and risk a sea creature trying to get at his dangling dick after mistaking it for a marine spoon worm. But there’s one person who thinks that Orlando made a stupid decision and that someone is his ex-wife/mother of his kid, Miranda Kerr. Put your kewpie doll lips together, Miranda, and keep them shut! Nobody asked you for your opinion! Okay, actually someone did ask.
Blac Chyna is once again proving she totally deserves that Kardashian fetus in her body by posing half-naked and knocked-up for a magazine, this time for Elle. Blac Chyna looked a living John Kricfalusi cartoon in her Paper spread, but she looks someone human in these pictures, which are saying to me, “If the glove does fit, use it to cover a tit.”
Blac Chyna didn’t just pose in her underwear with her bump out for attention. She also spoke about her ex-fiance and the father of her son Tyga. Sorry, did I say spoke? I meant to say “read his cheap ass.”
This week is only three days old, and already there’s been enough bummer news to make me drink like it’s the weekend. Clearly the Universe heard us all screaming “Okay, call me when the week is done” and decided to take pity on us by giving us some genuinely good news.