Thanks to her mutated pumpkin wart of a husband running for president, everyone is passing a fine-tooth comb through Melania Trump’s past. The exquisitely-crafted Slovenian crystal orchid has been accused of lying under oath about getting a bachelor’s degree (which she probably doesn’t have) and some think that she may have come into the U.S. illegally at one point. But there is one story that Melania Trump is really not having and that’s a story that implies she may have once worked as a 25 karat-covered pussy peddler.
For the past two years, Natalie Portman has lived in Paris with her French husband and her half-French kid. Natalie is a not-so-secret snooty person, so of course she loved talking about how chic and sophistiqué her new home was compared to that cheez-gobbling slob America. Especially when it comes to clothing. Natalie seems to really like getting out her extendible gold-plated pointer and showing the class (us uncultured yokels) the difference between American and French fashion. For example, thanks to Natalie, I learned that people in Paris would never be caught dead wearing shorts. It sounded like there were so many rules. Natalie won’t be getting that French superiority high anymore, because she recently moved back to Los Angeles.
In “this has happened before and it will happen again and again and again and again” news, the Duggars are adding another member to the family tree whose branches need to be reinforced with steel beams to hold all of them up. The expression “the sky is blue” needs to be permanently replaced by “a Duggar is pregnant,” because sometimes the sky isn’t blue, but a Duggar is almost always growing a baby in her body.
Roger Ailes is being sued by another former Fox News employee for allegedly acting like a gross piece of trash. I’ll wait while you catch your breath from the lung-clearing “NO!” you probably just shouted after reading that.
Roger Ailes no longer works at Fox News (congratulations Roger, you can now pursue your true calling as a claymation character called Creep E. McGreed from a Rankin/Bass special about Labor Day). But that doesn’t mean he can’t still get sued for the shit he allegedly pulled while he still worked there. According to Deadline, former co-host of The Five and Outnumbered Andrea Tantaros filed a lawsuit in New York yesterday against Roger Ailes and Fox News for nearly $50 million dollars. Andrea claims Fox News was a crappy place for women to work and that there was a whole lot of sexual harassment happening. She’s pointing fingers too: Andrea alleges that Roger Ailes was joined in the Gross Boys Club by Bill O’Reilly and John Roberts.
Conrad Hilton strut out of the clink just two weeks ago, and now his daddy’s got to clean up another mess he may have produced. And this latest mess involves drunk driving, barf and a broken bong. (Pour out some used bong water for that broken bong.) The current reigning pride of the Hilton family has been sued by a woman who claims that last May, 22-year-old Conrad crashed his daddy’s white Range Rover head-first into her car and was dazed, confused and covered with barf. Hmm… I guess Parasite Hilton’s one-time frenemy Lindsay Lohan taught a young Conrad Hilton how to drive.
Forbes has released yet another list of famous people with overstuffed bank accounts, and this time it’s a list of the world’s highest-paid actresses. If the world was a fair and just place, the top spot would obviously be a two-way tie between Barb from Stranger Things and Toby’s owner from the Stanley Steemer commercial, who would both be rolling in king-sized beds covered in cash. But no, that’s not the world we live in. Instead, Forbes says the #1 highest-paid actress in the world for the second year in a row is America’s cool cloves-smoking cousin Jennifer Lawrence.