Kris and Khloe Have SUCH A Healthy Relationship

Following the news that a nine-year-old Khloe Kardashian overheard her asshole mother say she needed a nose job, InTouch is reporting that Khloe’s Aunt Karen says Kris Jenner used to force Khloe to exercise as a child.

“Khloé might have been 4 or 5 years old when Kris would have me take her to classes to get exercise,” Karen tells In Touch. “I would take her a couple of times a week.”

At first glance, this could be any mother signing her kid up for Recreation Department gym class just so she can have 45 minutes alone a few times a week to pop into a bar and have a glass or two of crappy chardonnay. But this is PMK- the mother straight from Satan’s taint! It’s not really a stretch to think she would kiss Khloe goodbye when she was leaving for exercise class and say, “Mommy loves you! Go get skinny!” Hell, I wouldn’t put it past Kris to put snapping turtles on the floor under the Johnny Jump when her kids were infants to motivate them to jump higher to work off some of that disgusting baby fat.

All that’s keeping this from being a trifecta of shitty mothering is a story about Kris taking all the kids to get ice cream and making Khloe wait in the car because she “doesn’t really need the calories” but you know it’s just a matter of fucking time.

(Pic: Splash)

Naya Rivera Looked REALLY Familiar Last Night

Q: What do you get when you add Kim Kardashian a face tweak or two ago to Jennifer Lopez, then subtract 75 pounds of ass?

A: K. Lo Rivera, the alter-ego of Glee actress Naya Rivera that showed up to the People’s Choice Awards!

Everybody and their mama’s one-eyed, blind cat made the KK and JLo connections and it’s a damn shame Naya went from this to looking like a bad wax statue of either of those hos.

Naya spent a LOT of time looking shell shocked last night. One explanation for her frozen face is that she gave Nicole Kidman’s red carpet beauty secret a shot and slipped some dry ice into her facial steamer. Or maybe Marc Anthony followed her all night trying to win JLo back by crooning “Need To Know” in her ear looking like Gollum dressed for the prom. The most likely is she overheard Kris Jenner talking about adopting her ass because the Kardashians are in the market for a replacement Kim in case the original one’s face finally slides all the way down and hits the floor.

If the latter is the case, all I can say is “RUN, BITCH! RUUUUN!”

Here are some pics of K. Lo Rivera from last night at the Who Picks This Shit People’s Choice Awards last night.

(Pics: Wenn, Splash)

Rachel Zoe Popped Out Another Boy

Rachel Zoe and her husband, Rodger Berman, announced the arrival of their second baby on Twitter (via USWeekly) last night. They are already parents to two-year old Skyler.

“So excited to welcome our baby boy into the world…he’s 7 lbs 12 oz, beautiful, healthy and we couldn’t be happier,” she shared with fans.

Maybe I’m still riding the high of meeting my two-week old nephew for the first time last night, but my first reaction to reading that Rachel gave birth to her second child was “Awwww!” And then I remembered this is Rachel Zoe, did a quick Google image search to see if the kid has a chance of getting some good genes from his father so he won’t grow up to look like a scavenged chicken wing and found this picture. Here’s to hoping that baby likes guy liner and the hairstyle I realized too late back in 2001 screams “moderately successful small market real estate agent”.

Rachel’s scrawny ass has to be chapped to high hell that she doesn’t have a girl to play dress up with. She and Rodger had better get to fuckin’ before her ovaries shrivel up into golden raisins to match her forehead if she’s going to have an opportunity to raise a daughter who will spend her formative years at fashion shows trailing after a starving praying mantis and having playdates with the salesgirls at Chanel.

(Pic: Wenn.com)

What A Stunning Wax Candle And A Delicious Barbecued Spare Rib

Together, they look like what’s on the table during a romantic dinner at a Korean BBQ restaurant.

At last night’s premiere of Grudge Match in NYC, pristine white taper candle Kim Basinger posed next to her co-star, piping hot piece of cajun-rubbed pork jerky Sylvester Stallone, and it’s a miracle that the heat wafting off of his just-out-of-the-oven face didn’t melt her into a puddle of Botox, wax and sad memories of being married to Alec Baldwin. Maybe it’s because I’m a skinny fat fuck who is always thinking about shoving dough, cheese and meat into his mouth (there’s an uncut dick joke in there somewhere), but she looks like a piece of uncooked dough and he looks like a sun dried tomato-stuffed pepperoni meatball. So together they’re like a deconstructed Totino’s pizza roll without the sauce. Delicioso!

Here’s more of Porcelain Basinger and Overcooked Terracotta Stallone with Robert DeNiro at last night’s premiere. Slay me with those brows, Sly!

Pics: Splash

Lil Kim Brought All Of It Out

Lil Kim put her best pair of NASA-grade Spanx to work last night at London’s indigO2 in promotion for next week’s release of her mixtape, Hardcore 2K13. 2K13? I thought we all agreed to retire the K thing after Y2K? I guess Lil Kim didn’t get the memo (she was busy; plastic surgery is a full-time job).

Lil Kim looks like Him from The Powerpuff Girls mated with Thriller-era Michael Jackson. But the real victim here is that HAIR. Someone needs to call the labor board, because she’s working that wig HARD. Amnesty International would classify this as some kind of not-right worker’s rights violation; that poor wig hasn’t been given a break in weeks. Lil Kim’s lace-front goes home after work and spends the night on the phone sobbing to it’s parents: “You and dad were right, I never should have dropped out of college.”

Here are more pictures of Lil Kim looking like if Poison Control published a Where’s Waldo book used to induce discomfort. Did you accidentally ingest nail polish remover? Find Lil Kim’s House of Giudice hairline. Find the SWAT Team to rescue Lil Kim’s suffocating pussy.

(Pics via Pacific Coast News, Splash)

Jackie Stallone, Stop Reading That Ass And Come Get Your Son

Sylvester Stallone, the son of a butt-reading blossoming flower, is probably going to get a love letter written on a stick of butter from Paula Deen any day now, because TMZ is accusing him of calling a pap a “nigger” while he left a restaurant in Beverly Hills with a friend yesterday. If only Jackie read Sly’s ass before this so she could tell him that this was coming and to not do it. And by “ass” I mean his face of course.

Because the paparazzi didn’t have bigger stars like Quween on the Scene (Side question: Where for art thou Quween on the Scene?!) and Phoebe Price to shoot yesterday, they settled for a man who looks like a deflated burnt skin bubble. TMZ has a video of the paps following Sly and I guess he didn’t like it, because they claim at the 0:07 mark in the video, he mumbles to his friend, “This fucking nigger, this fucker.” It’s not really clear who that word was meant for. TMZ says there were several black paparazzo shooting around there that day. A few seconds into the video, one of the paps asks him, “Why the racial slurs?” Sly ignores her.

Sly’s spokeswhore claims that he said “fucking asshole” and not “fucking nigger.” The spokeswhore also says that Sly didn’t answer the pap when she asked about him the racial slurs, because she wasn’t talking directly to him. The spokeswhore thinks that she only said that to get more money for the video.

I watched that video more times than I should have and I still don’t know what came out of Sly’s mangled mouth hole. I wouldn’t be surprised if he slurred out a slur, but then again I also wouldn’t be surprised if he said something completely different like, “Hey, yo, let’s go get some strawberry froyo with nuts at that place over there.” Because Sly’s mouth is a shredder of words. Everything that comes out of his mouth has been cut up with pinking shears, chopped up with a rusty machete and ran over by several Mack Trucks. Bitch’s face has been pulled so tight that he can’t spit out coherent words. He will forever sound like a warped Speak and Spell.

But I’m sure he’s still going to play the same damage control card that Alec Baldwin played yesterday. After Alec denied he called a pap a “cocksucking fag,” he showed everyone that he’s not a homophobe by bringing out his gay hairdresser. So expect Sly to grab the first black guy he sees and get them both in front of a camera to say, “Arrro grrr blewerru huh zizzay asshole murrerre wurbled.” (Translation: “Hey, yo, whateveryourname is, you’re black and my best friend, right?“)

Pics: Splash