The Human Barbie Is A Child-Hating Racist

If you knew about this plasticized anime alien mess and forget about her, I apologize for bringing her back into your nightmares tonight. If you have no idea who this plasticized anime alien mess is, I apologize for introducing her to your nightmares tonight. Valeria Lukyanova is the Ukrainian creature who looks like a hybrid of a Barbie and a jointed snake toy, and got a lot of attention for being one of the only living things that can make Kim Kardashian look human by comparison. Valeria does herself up like a CGI porn alien and believes she can travel out of her body. Michael Idov of GQ went to the Ukraine to interview her ass and he shockingly learned that a trick who looks she escaped from Area 51 and has gone days where she only eats air (“Me too!” – Posh “Me three!” – Goop) is a total crazy bitch. Who knew?!

Valeria spit out some shit that’s not that crazy (example: she hates kids), but then she said that bi-racial people are killing the true definition of real beauty. Jade the bi-racial butterfly just spread her wings and flew on over to the Ukraine to shit on her.

On why she’s against race-mixing: “For example, a Russian marries an Armenian. They have a kid, a cute girl, but she has her dad’s nose. She goes and files it down a little, and it’s all good. Ethnicities are mixing now, so there’s degeneration, and it didn’t used to be like that. Remember how many beautiful women there were in the 1950s and 1960s, without any surgery? And now, thanks to degeneration, we have this. I love the Nordic image myself. I have white skin; I am a Nordic type—perhaps a little Eastern Baltic, but closer to Nordic.”

On how the only thing she’ll ever give birth to is a giant bundle of fucking crazy: “The very idea of having children brings out this deep revulsion in me. Most people have children to fulfill their own ambitions, not to give anything. They don’t think about what they can give this child, what they can teach her. They just try to shape her according to some weird script—whatever they couldn’t do in life, like becoming a writer or a doctor. Or some woman who’s almost 30 and thinks no one needs her, she says, ‘Oh, I’ll have a kid. He will love me and become my reason to live.’ And then this kid becomes a soccer ball she and her boyfriend will kick back and forth. I’d rather die from torture, because the worst thing in the world is to have a family lifestyle.”

On if she’s a feminist: “I’m against feminism. But what would you keep the children for? So they can get you a glass of water when you’re on your deathbed?”

The hell is Prussian Blue Barbie even saying in that last quote. I’ve seen CAPTCHA sentences that make more sense than that shit. Bitch has no idea what feminism is and who wants water on their deathbed? If I’m on my deathbed, I want booze, bitch. Water being your last drank? That just goes to show you how crazy this mess is, because that’s full crazy.

And Mel Gibson’s irises just turned into two heart shapes and his eyelashes are fluttering like a dove’s wings, because he has finally found his one true love. But she’s still not going to blow him before Jacuzzi, because this crazy bitch only puts air in her mouth.

Looking Like A Disco Ball Exploding In Slow Motion

Your eyeballs are probably freaking out and jumping all over the place like you just gave yourself a Red Bull enema while freebasing speed. There’s nowhere safe for your eyes to land. You look up and you see Kim Kardashian’s rubber spatula face that looks like a cross between a melting horse Shrinky Dink and a plastic Mr. Hankey toy in a wig. You look down and you see Kim’s ribs breaking and her internal organs being smushed from that soda pop can tab mess. What am I saying? Bitch had her ribs and organs removed and replaced with stress ball jelly a long ass time ago.

While wearing a jacked-up outfit from The House of You Don’t Love Yourself, Kim and her latest face joined her fellow hos Khloe Kardashian and the slow one at the opening of Dash in Miami tonight. THAT FACE. Her nose is getting as small as Pimp Mama Kris’ sense of dignity (hahaha, like PMK has any dignity) and she looks like a trout that just sucked off a Lemonhead. THAT OUTFIT. That outfit is honestly propaganda for anti-recycling, because all of that metal should be destroyed.

And that chainmail must be some seriously strong shit, because it’s somehow able to hold in Kim’s ego, delusions, narcissism and all those man-made materials in her body. That shit should be declared the strongest material in the world.

Pics: Splash

Lil’ Kim Is Going To Be Somebody’s Mother

I keep refreshing People to see if John Travolta has finally and proudly declared that he loves a hard dick on his tongue and when I’m not doing that I’m refreshing TMZ to see if Lindsay Lohan was named Sober Inspiration of the Year by AA, because anything and everything is possible now that Lil’ Kim is knocked up.

At The Blonds fashion show in NYC last night, the gorgeous Etsy Jocelyn Wildenstein doll that was accidentally thrown in the dryer sashayed on through with a bump on her body and most people figured that one of the six DuPont brand titty sacks that she has in her chest slid down her body and got stuck in her gut. But nope, in a few months a real-life human baby will be pulled out of Lil’ Kim’s body and every shade of confusion will cover its face when it wonders why its mom looks like a warped plastic DVD cover of ThunderCats – Season 2 – Volume 2. UsWeekly says that at the after-party for The Blonds’ show, Lil’ Kim told everyone that a Lil’ Kitty is growing in her uterus:

“I’m a mom, but I can turn it up a little! I’m still going to work. I’m still going to be hardcore. The baby has made me even more of a beast!”

Um, I don’t think her unborn baby’s the reason why Kim looks like a Korean man in make-up as the second title role in a remake of Beauty and the Beast. The strip mall plastic surgeon/wax figure artist/potter who Kim pays through PayPal gets all the credit for that.

But jokes about Kim’s Get Along Gang face aside, this is good news! Kim will probably take us all higher when she gives her baby a truly “the fuck?” name and we’ll all get to see what original recipe Kim looked like when her pregnancy face swells back into the early 90s.

Pics: Splash

Kim Kartrashian Chopped Up Her Dior Dress Because She’s A Fashion Vanguard Like That

Since Krapping Up the Kartrashian’sratings are starting to fall and the Lindsay Lohan-ing of Justin Bieber is the MSNBC BREAKING NEWS STORY of the moment, Pimp Mama Kris raised her cane and commanded her prized heifer to work it, whore, sell it, whore. Kim’s been selling it on the talk show ho stroll and she took her “terra cotta mask covered in corn starch” face to Jimmy Kimmel’s corner where she whored out her krappy show, her krappy family and her newest diarrhea-inducing fake wedding.

The shrunken-headed Bratz doll that was molded out of dildo rubber told Jimmy that she will become Kim Noel Kardashian Thomas Humphries West this summer in Paris when she and Kanye join hands and take a dump on the pile of dead horse dust that is the sanctity of marriage. They aren’t getting married at Versailles (or as Nomi Malone would pronounce it: Ver-say-ells) because his massive, throbbing ego rubbing against her massive, throbbing ass would cause the walls to come crumbling down and Versailles doesn’t want to go out like that.

Before Kim sucked the life out of Jimmy’s studio, she Instagrammed a picture of the fugly shit she put on her body and said that it’s a Dior dress cut in two. If you run the line “I cut my Dior dress in two” through the truth machine, out will come, “My body split that shit in two.” It’s ugly now and it was probably ugly before. It looks like resort wear by Juicy Couture. And Kim’s face. If she was an actual Real Doll, the dude who ordered her would return her to the factory she came from for being way too creepy and so not passable.

Pics: Pacific Coast News

OctoMom Is Being Charged With Welfare Fraud

In case you need a break from Golden Globes shit but not from abject fuckery, TMZ is reporting that OctoMom Nadya Suleman is being charged with three counts of felony welfare fraud and is facing five years in prison if convicted. Back in March 2013, someone supposedly tipped off authorities that Nadya was collecting welfare even though she made over $200,000. Now she’s being accused of failing to report over $30,000 in income from the first half of 2013, including residuals from her self-love diddle video. The judge is setting bail at $25,000.

The L.A. County District Attorney’s Office filed the charges, including 1 count of aid by misrepresentation, and 2 counts of perjury by false application for aid.

This bitch has already been accused of hating her kids, filing for bankruptcy, trying every filthy way she could think of to make a buck and has gone to rehab. The only thing that’s left is for her to pick 14 corners- one for each of her kids- and sit their asses down with For Sale signs around their necks. No offers less than $1,800 apiece or mama won’t be able to make bail! With that crazy ass as their mother, I’m pretty sure they’ve probably already tried to sell themselves on the black market just to get away from her.

(Pic: Splash)

Lindsay Lohan Is Not Wasted Here, So Says Lindsay Lohan’s “Camp?

Lindsay Lohan BRAVELY went out in London late last night after her laptop, with pictures of her bare naked dehydrated papaya slice body on it, was mysteriously snatched in an airport in Shanghai. I don’t really know what the big deal is, because doesn’t everyone’s laptop have pictures of LiLo’s naked body on it? You never know when you’re going to suddenly suffer from over-wet pussy or a perpetual boner and need something to immediately dry up your chocha or soften your peen. Anyway, after living through that traumatic ordeal, which she obviously staged herself, bitch flew to London to party.

LiLo left a club with a new barely legal victim at 3:30 this morning and she looked as fresh as a dried period stain on a pair of crusty, old panties lying next to a dumpster in an alley way in the middle of August. But LiLo’s camp (aka White Oprah using the pay phone at TGIFriday’s because she traded her cell phone in for a fireball shot) tells Radar that she wasn’t drunk, she just had the tireds.

“She was just very tired … she wasn’t drinking,” Lohan’s camp said, adding that the 27-year-old had just “come off a long flight from Shanghai” and stopped off at the nightspot for “a late dinner.”

You know how your abuelita told you that if you roll your eyes, they’ll stay that way and then you said, “GOOD,” before running out of the house as she chased you while waving a tree branch in her hand? That’s what happened to LiLo. Bitch has had drunkface so many times that her face just looks like that now. Most of the time, she’s always making the face you make when you’re tanked in a dark bar and they turn on the fluorescent lights at closing time.

And what is with these hot twinks she always picks up? Those twinks need to get some self-respect. If they need an 8-ball that bad, they should suck an old man’s dick for it the way the rest of us did. Have some dignity!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com