An Artist Outed LaKeith Stanfield As The Father Of Her Baby Hours After He Announced His Engagement To A Different Woman
The two wolves that live inside LaKeith Stanfield — one an inscrutable arTEEST with a penchant for mystery and intrigue, the other a Hollywood superstar with a taste for the finer things in life; are starting the new year off throwing paws at each other. On New Year’s day, Lakeith announced on Instagram that he’s about to make his girlfriend of five months, self-described “exceptionally blessed,” Spelman/Harvard attending model Kasmere Trice, a “#priceyiceyWIFEY.” Hours later, visual artist Tylor Hurd announced that she’s stepping into 2023 NOT “being someone’s secret family,” and shared that Lakeith is the father of her child, a baby girl named Apollo. Apparently, while Lakeith’s respectability wolf was off traipsing across the globe eating rare steaks and flashing diamonds, his starving artist wolf was eating garbage out of the dumpster at a family fun center and slinking off into the night before someone could throw a shoe at him. Now they’re throwing shoes at BOTH HIS WOLVES!
When I say the name Madonna, I’m either referring to the pop star who may be losing her mind in quarantine (join the club), or the ultimate maternal figure, mother of Jesus, the Virgin Mary. Madonna is Mother. But, apparently, in the case 23-year-old Lourdes, 19-year-old Rocco, 14-year-olds David and Mercy, and seven-year-old twins Esther and Stella, Madonna, you ARE the father! At least according to Instagram. On Sunday she posted a series of pics of her and her brood of kids, with the caption: “Happy Fathers Day to Me and to every parent out there doing their best to Nurture, Guide, Inspire and Teach!”
Carlos Leon is Lourdes’ father and Guy Ritchie is both Rocco’s biological father and David’s adoptive father. But fuck those Dads, right? Especially Guy. They get zero Father’s Day love. Because Madonna is Mom, Dad, Sun, Moon, God, Goddess, Movie Star, COVID-Warrior, Movie Killer, Everything.
These results would sound much better if they were delivered by Maury Povich. But Hunter BIden is the rich son of a former Vice President and current Presidential hopeful. So sadly, he’s too famous for Maury’s brown envelope of DNA truth. But the good news is, paternity drama isn’t reserved solely for daytime TV. Although…I guess technically that would be bad news for Hunter.
Let this be a warning to any aspiring equestrians out there who think they can tame The Butterscotch Stallion. If you should bed him, you’ve got to expect that afterwards, he’s going to nicker fondly (if you’re lucky), flick his magnificent tail, and canter off into the sunset. A year ago, almost to the date, we reported that Owen Wilson had not yet met his daughter, Lyla, who he had with ex-girlfriend Varunie Vongsvirates. And according to Varunie, a year later, Owen still hasn’t managed to trot by the barn to meet his little filly. The Daily Mail, spoke to Varunie and she told them that he’s been meeting his financial obligations since he got Maury’ed By Mail, but it’s not about that. Varunie says Lyla needs a father.
He can’t even afford lotion, and now 60-year-old Flavor Flav is going to have to dig into the backseat of his car for some loose change among the used watch batteries and fast food wrappers to pay child support. According to MSN, a soon-to-be disappointed woman named Kate Gammell just received the results of a paternity test for her 2-month old son confirming that Flav is the father. Flav had previously denied the child, even though when little Jordan came out of the womb, the doctor shouted it’s a “Yeah Boyee”!
When you find your life’s calling, it’s a beautiful thing. Once, a young Louis Pasteur was eating his morning yogurt and decided to become a scientist. An adolescent Henry Miller woke up from a wet dream and thought to himself, “I got to write this shit down!”. And one fine morning, Ari Nagel, the self proclaimed “sperminator” who has fathered 29 children over the past 13 years, woke up and thought to himself “the world needs my jizz!” and a manifesto and movement was born!