NOOOOOOOOOOO: Sofia Vergara And Joe Manganiello Are Engaged

That sound that sort of sounds like a family of walruses howling and gargling gravy at the same time is the sound of a million b-holes and vaginas crying in pain over Joe ManJello getting engaged to the always engaged Sofia Vergara.

E! News says that after only 6 months of staged photo-ops and shameless stunts, Joe ManJello proposed to Sofia Vegara on Christmas Day in Hawaii. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Sofia and Joe’s relationship contract was supposed to expire sometime in January and after that he was supposed to have hot, desperate, rebound sex with all of us. That’s what I pictured happening in my mind. I didn’t picture this shit. The Daily Mail has a candid and totally not choreographed picture of Sofia showing off her maybe engagement ring and it’s as understated and modest as you would guess. It’s from Kay Jewelers, obviously!

Sofia and Joe started bumping nipples in July, a quick minute after she ended her engagement for the 700th time to Onion Crunch mogul and certified douche Nick Loeb. A different source tells UsWeekly that Joe proposed during Christmas, because he wanted to do it in front of her family.

We should all brace ourselves, because these two are going to milk this until there’s nothing left to milk (and yes, my genitals passed out from picturing Joe ManJello milking it dry). There’s going to be photo-op after photo-op and I just hope that Joe makes it easier for all of us by wearing as little clothes as possible in those photo-ops. I am all for this as long as the wedding is televised in HD and held at the nudist resort Hedonism II in Jamaica.

Pic: WhoSay

Marky Mark Wants To Be A Cop

Jenny McCarthy’s brother-in-law (that has to be the meanest thing I’ve ever called someone) wants the Governor of Massachusetts to pardon his arrogant piece of shit ass for the time in 1988 when he hit a man in the head with a 2X4 and blinded another man with his fist while spitting out racial slurs. Marky Mark said in his application that he wants the pardon so he can get a concessionaire’s license in CA for Wahlburgers and he wants his record cleaned so he can show the at-risk-youth he works with that they can turn their life around. But TMZ says that the real reason Mark Mark wants a pardon is because he wants to be a reservist with the LAPD. Someone asked me the other day if I ever planned to move back to NYC and I said I’d think about it if my mom agreed to move and if they FINALLY got an In-N-Out. Well, if Marky Mark gets a police badge from the LAPD, I’ll bribe my mom into moving with promises of meeting Dr. Oz and I’ll chain an In-N-Out to my car before hitting the gas hard and never looking back.

A source tells TMZ that Marky wants to join the LAPD as a reservist, but the felony on his record is keeping him from being able to handle a gun legally. Boston.com reports that in Marky’s application, he says that he’s become close with members of the LAPD, but he can’t get positions in law enforcement because of his convictions. The LAPD’s website says that a reservist gets the same training as a police officer and works alongside them. A reservist is a volunteer position so they don’t get paid.

In my first post about this mess, I wondered if Marky Mark ever apologized to Hoa Trinh and Thanh Lam, the two men he viciously beat when he was 16. The entitled shit stain said in an interview in 2006 that he never asked for forgiveness, because after a while the “guilt” went away and he’s able to sleep at night on the grounds of his understated little bungalow. Yes, he’s really changed into an upstanding, gold hearted citizen who cares about others.

The world never needs Officer Marky Mark in it, but right now it really doesn’t need Officer Marky Mark. Shit is bad enough. But on one hand, if Mark Mark became a reservist, he’d have less time to spend on making  crap movies that terrorize humanity. On the other hand, the thought of Officer Marky Mark patrolling the streets with a baton in one hand and a gun in the other makes me want to invest in a bulletproof armored helmet.

PETA Is Pissed At The Discovery Channel For Their “Eaten Alive” Anaconda Stunt

TLC’s equally as trashy, outdoorsy brother, the Discovery Channel, announced yesterday that they have filmed and will air a special where naturist Paul Rosolie gets swallowed whole by a giant anaconda. An actual anaconda, by the way. I wish he fed himself to Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda. Now that is a special I’d watch.

Entertainment Weekly says that in the Discovery special titled “Eaten Alive,” which splatters onto TV screens December 7th, Paul puts on a custom snake-proof suit (which I’m guessing is the same kind of suit that Kim Kartrashian’s doctor wears when he examines her b-hole) and then covers himself in pig’s blood before feeding himself to the anaconda. Discovery swears it’s not a hoax, but wouldn’t spit up anymore details like how much of Paul’s body ends up in the snake or how he gets out. Entertainment Weekly thinks that his custom snake-proof suit had a cord attached to it which made it easy-ish for him to be pulled out of the snake. I blame Nicki Minaj for this.

PETA is always on time with their outrage, so a quick minute after Discovery announced this act of pure fuckery, they slapped at the network and Paul with this statement:

“This blatant publicity stunt sounds far-fetched, but if the description is accurate, the snake was tormented and suffered for the sake of ratings—as animals usually do when they’re used for entertainment. Anacondas go days without eating and expend the energy needed to do so selectively. Making this snake use up energy by swallowing this fool and then possibly regurgitating him would have left the poor animal exhausted and deprived of the energy that he or she needs. Shame on this pseudo ‘wildlife expert’ for tormenting this animal, and shame on the Discovery Channel for giving him the incentive to do so. PETA has not heard back after reaching out to the Discovery Channel asking them to pull the show, whether it is a hoax or not.”

Paul tweeted that he doesn’t hurt animals and you’ll just have to watch the special before judging the stunt.

I say this every time I shave my pubes into a seasonal mascot for the holidays: Us humans have really run out of shit to do with ourselves. Paul wrapping himself in a snake-proof suit before shoving himself down an anaconda’s throat is like someone wrapping a delicious In-N-Out Double Double in a human-proof suit before shoving it down my throat. In life, there’s rarely a point to anything, but what is the point of this?

Besides, a grown man getting devoured whole by a snake has been seen on TV before. I mean, hasn’t Paul ever seen old episodes of Jon & Kate Plus 8?

Everything Is A Lie: The Three-Tittied Florida Flower Is Probably A Hoax

The Internet has Lindsay Lohan’d us again. Next you’re going to tell me that Charlo Greene is an actress from L.A., her real name is Kimberly Brown, she’s never smoked weed in her life and that station in Alaska hired her to pull that scripted stunt so they’d beat their rivals in the Anchorage local news ratings war! Then you’re going to tell me that the Frankenstein helmet on The Long Island Medium’s head isn’t a communication device for the dead. What to believe?!

When the story of the 21-year-old demure Florida daisy with a third tit implant made the rounds yesterday, some of us squinted at it the same way I squint at a picture from a Grindr trick that looks like his head pasted on Zac Efron’s body. I wanted to believe, but deep down I knew it was made of one hundred percent pure lies. Something in the third tit wasn’t clean about Jasmine Tridevil’s story. Jasmine wouldn’t give up the name of the back alley plastic surgeon who did it, because she claims they made her sign a confidentiality agreement and her trio of tits situation looked a little too perfect. Well, those truth sniffers at Snopes got to the bottom of it and exposed Jasmine Tridevil and her tres chichi as frauds.

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Final Proof That True Love Is And Has Always Been A Lie: America’s Royal Couple Has Separated

QUICK! Everyone form a protective circle around Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, because 2014 is really taking a machete to the meaning of real love and none of our favorite couples are safe!

Most of you are still lying on the floor in a pile of sadness after reading about the tragic death of Canada’s royal couple and this truly sad news is going to make you want to pull yourself off of the floor and fall down again while screaming, “NO! NO! NO!” TMZ says that the couple I thought would last forever (served with zero sarcasm) has broken up. Mama June has taken off her commitment ring and dumped Sugar Bear after finding out that he’s been trolling dating sites for new ass. Sugar Bear put up profiles on dating sites including PlentyOfFish.com. You know, Sugar Bear is as slow as Mama June’s metabolism, so maybe he thought that PlentyOfFish.com was a website where you buy actual fish?

TMZ has a screen shot of Sugar Bear’s profile. He calls himself Georgiafighter31054 and says he loves to hunt fish and ride 4 wheelers. Mama June believe in her diabetes-filled heart of diabetes-filled hearts that Sugar Bear’s been sticking his sugar dick in other tricks. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is shooting right now and once they’re done, she’s going to pack up her tribe of deep fried dumplings and move out of the house. She’s going to move closer to her relatives. Mama June and Sugar Bear released this sad-inducing statement to TMZ:

“Sugar Bear and I have decided to take some time apart to figure out some things in our relationship. We are taking things day by day but regardless of what happens the girls will always be our #1 priority. We want to thank ya’ll for your support.”

This has to be a shameless stunt for the finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. This world cannot go on without Sugar Bear gently sticking his peen between Mama June’s luscious stack of Pringles chins and fighting off the gnats to nibble off the corns from her forklift foot. That’s real love. My heart is broken and not even a gallon of sketti sauce can mend it together.

Here’s Mama June and Sugar Bear during happier times at Extra or Access Hollywood (or whatever show that twat Mario Lopez hosts) last year.

Pics: Wenn.com