RIP The Meaning Of Everlasting Love: Canada’s Royal Couple Is Headed For Divorce

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Pretty much every time two twats break up, I declare the death of love and say that Valentine’s Day should be canceled forever and we should all spend February 14th mourning the loss of true love by bawling into a giant plastic clear tub of Neapolitan ice cream (I know you buy that shit at Costco) while wearing a black veil. (That’s how I spend my Valentine’s Day anyway). But this time I really mean it. If a half-broken Canadian Go Girl who should be arrested for committing crimes against ears and a half-broken Canadian Go Girl who should be arrested for committing crimes against ears can’t make it work, who can? Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are on the same level of awful. They are a match made in hell and they should be together forever. I don’t know what to believe in anymore.

UsWeekly says that the Canadian Prince William is telling everyone that he’s divorcing the Canadian Duchess Kate after being married for only 14 months. A source says that Avril is sick of the way he talks to her and none of her friends like him. The source went on to say that all of her friends stuck up their nose, they had a problem with his baggy clothes, he was a sk8r boy, she said see you later boy, he wasn’t good enough for her. And now I hate myself a little more today, because I just quoted an Avril Lavigne song from memory. Remind me to apologize to my mother for shaming our family name when I talk to her tonight.

A different source said that Avril partied at Chateau Marmont on August 29th with her friends and she wasn’t wearing the elegantly subtle 17 carat ugly monster of a diamond ring he bought her for their 1 year anniversary.

“Avril was partying with a bunch of her girlfriends. She looked like she was having a fun time but it’s kind of strange because she hasn’t been out in public with Chad for some time now.”

A third source said that even though Avril and Chad are no longer spending their Friday nights together, bleaching their locks and painting their toe nails with Urban Decay polish (in shade: dirt, the color of their love), they aren’t in a rush to file divorce papers.

NOOOOOOOOO! This is not how it was supposed to go. Avril and Chad’s unholy union of dreadful was supposed to go on forever and they were supposed to spawn a brat who will continue their legacy of awfulness. Who are our children going to make fun of now? Avril and Chad really do ruin everything.

Avril Lavigne’s first husband was Deryck Whibley, so of course hos are saying that her third husband is going to be Justin Bieber since she loves those ear-abusing Canadians. But I’m going to bet that her third husband will be that pickle who beat Chad in a popularity contest. And it will be an upgrade!

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