Category: Oh No Please Don’t

Dr. Oz is Officially Running For Senate In Pennsylvania

November 30, 2021 / Posted by:

For entirely too long, we were teased with the idea of Matthew McConaughey running for Governor of Texas, a reality that we have thankfully been spared of at this time. But this situation has been given the old Twilight Zone jerk-around switcheroo. Because instead of Oscar-winner Matthew McConaughey running for a job he has zero experience in, the universe has instead given us failed Jeopardy! host and repeat Women’s World magazine cover model Dr. Oz who is running for a Senate seat in the state of Pennsylvania. This has the potential for a worse outcome than washing down a week-old scrapple sandwich with a room-temperature Wawa water ice.

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Nicki Minaj Posted A Video Of Herself Shouting “Walk!” At A Person In A Wheelchair

November 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Some of the industrial-strength spirit gum Nicki Minaj used to keep her dress attached to her tits must have seeped into her skin and floated through her bloodstream, because clearly something has fucked up the part of her brain responsible for making good decisions.

Shortly after Nicki hosted a Halloween party at 1-Oak in Las Vegas on Friday night, someone filmed a video of her in her skanky fairy princess costume drunkenly wandering through a hall, cackling like Salacious B. Crumb and pretending to grant wishes. Now technically, that could describe anyone on Halloween (I’m sure there’s a a video of me in a tooth fairy costume asking if anyone wants to “fill my cavities” floating around on the internet somewhere). But then Nicki spots someone using a motorized wheelchair scooter and shouts: “Walk! I command you to walk!“. Yes, the same person who scolded the internet for laughing at that Pill Cosby costume decided to make a tasteless joke at the expense of someone who couldn’t walk. No, I can’t either.

Letting a friend film you doing something dumb is about a 9 on the dumb shit to do scale, but it gets dumber. Nicki then threw the video up on Instagram. Shocking to absolutely no one, the internet responded to Nicki’s video with a massive “REALLY???“, so she yanked it down. TMZ managed to save a copy before she deleted it, which you can watch here.

I’m sure you’re thinking “This is the part where she goes on Twitter and apologizes for making fun of a disabled person, right?” Um…not exactly.

See? She wasn’t making fun of a disabled person in a scooter! She was simply making fun of her non-disabled friend. Who was using a scooter. For some reason that is never fully explained. Got it? Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll get it once you’ve figured out what the hell “U mufuckas need some peepee” means (let me know when you get it?).

Pic: Splash

More Like “You Wish & In Your Dreams”

October 12, 2014 / Posted by:

I can tolerate Sarah Silverman and Chelsea Handler, and actually would love to party with them and live to tell. They both seem like that crazy fun bitch that will show you the best time of your life and bail right before you wake up in jail in a pile of someone else’s barf on the drunk tank floor. People has a video of them as Thelma and Louise and their tribute is cute and all, but.

BITCHES CAN WE TALK. You don’t touch Thelma & Louise unless you can bring it better and since there is no better, just don’t go there. Ever. Actually I think that’s the 28th amendment to the Constitution: Leave Thelma & Louise ALOOOOOOONE.

Gena Davis and Susan Sarandon, the original and only T&L, had this reaction when they saw the video:

So basically Sara And Chelsea can choose from “WHAT NOW BITCHES” and “NO”. But thanks for playing! And call me but first, call a bail bondsman.

Whoopi Goldberg Pulled A Whoopi Goldberg By Defending Stephen A. Smith’s Domestic Abuse Comments On The View

July 30, 2014 / Posted by:

I guess Whoopi Goldberg’s official title at The View is “The Devil’s Chatty Advocate”, because once again, she’s come to the defense of the not-right words falling out of some jerk’s talk-hole. Whoopi has defended Mel Gilbson’s infamous racist rant, defended Roman Polanski by inventing the word “rape-rape”, and most recently, defended human hershey squirt Justin Bieber’s use of the n-word. And now we can add Stephen A. Smith’s name to the list of people sending Whoopi an Edible Arrangement with a little note that says “xo thanks boo!”

On Monday’s episode of The View, the hens started clucking about the questionable remarks ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith made about domestic violence in response to the story of Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice beating his wife in a casino and dragging her unconscious body out of an elevator. Smith has since been suspended for saying that it’s never OK for a man to pull a Chris Brown on his wife, but that sometimes a lady needs to “make sure” she doesn’t “do anything to provoke wrong actions”. On Monday, Smith apologized for his comments, but Whoopi wasn’t having any of that “I sowwy” shit. Whoopi grabbed for the bottle of Shits About To Get REAL-brand vodka she keeps stashed under her chair, took two giant swigs, and defended Stephen A. Smith for speaking the TRUTH:

“If you hit somebody, you cannot be sure you are not going to get hit back!…If you make the choice as a woman who’s four foot three and you decide to hit a guy who’s six feet tall and you’re the last thing he wants to deal with that day and he hits you back, you cannot be surprised!”

I think Whoopi needs to walk her ass to the optometrist and get the prescription on her glasses checked, because if a mouth breather like Sherri Shepherd is staring at you like you’ve got dried smegma flakes for brains and noted dum-dum Jenny McCarthy is sending you “Oh here go hell come” vibes, it might be time to stop talking. And if she did see the army of shank-eyes staring back at her and choose to keep running her mouth, well then Whoopi truly does not give a fuck anymore, and I look forward to the day she shows up to tape The View wearing her neon green and purple Oscar gown while eating slices of apple off the blade of a knife like a pirate.

(via The Wrap)

Shakira Would Like To Become The Colombian Michelle Duggar

March 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Saying the word “Duggar” around my vagina is like pulling out the vacuum from the closet in front of a dog; it freaks the fuck out trying to find a place to hide before shooting you a look that says: You MONSTER! I thought we were friends??” But apparently the idea of pushing a dozen or so ooze-covered screaming watermelons through your hoo-hoo makes Shakira want to do that janky She Wolf dance in joy. In an interview with Latina (via Us Weekly) Shakira says that she’d be happily let her boyfriend Gerard Pique turn her vagina into a clown car if it weren’t for that pesky killjoy called work getting in the way:

“If it weren’t because of my music projects, I would be pregnant already,” the Voice mentor, mom to 13-month-old Milan, says in her interview with the mag. “I would love to have eight or nine kids with Gerard — my own futbol team.”

The magazine then tried to ask Shakira’s shakoochie what it thought about birthing eight or nine children, but was unavailable for comment because it was too busy rocking back and forth in a curled-up ball chanting “No no no no no.”

I know babies are adorable and whatnot, but unless you’re end goal is to establish a child army used to defend The People’s Republic of Your House, there’s really no reason to make that many kids. To put it in perspective, that’s like adopting a kitten and going “Oh my god, know what would be cuter than one kitten? 400 kittens.” Because the mess from one child or kitten (or decorative cactus if that’s where you’re life is at right now) is manageable. But the mess from 9 kids? Fuck me. Just the thought of stepping on a sharp-ass Lego in the middle of the night is enough to make me call up my doctor and ask: “Is there any way I can donate my fuck parts to science? I don’t want them anymore.”

DMX Is Going To Fight George Zimmerman In A Celebrity Boxing Match

February 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Back when we were still all obsessed with The Weakest Link and Darva Conger’s elegant noodle-hair, I remember watching Screech from Saved By the Bell fight Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter on Celebrity Boxing and thinking “I feel like I should like this, but my better judgement is telling me this is complete trash.” Then Tonya Harding came on and my brain was like “How much more proof do you need, ma’am.” Regardless, people watched it and liked it and who am I to judge someone’s happiness?

With that being said, I still have no judgement on the following news. TMZ is confirming that after much speculation, George Zimmerman will fight DMX in a type of Hunger Games-style boxing match:

Celebrity boxing promoter Damon Feldman tells us, DMX was selected out of 15,000 applicants, all of whom wanted a piece of Zimmerman in the ring after he issued the open challenge to fight anyone willing to take him. But no one wanted to beat Zimmerman’s ass more than DMX. DMX promised to massacre Zimmerman in the ring if he got the chance. To be exact, he said, “I am going to beat the living f**k out him … I am breaking every rule in boxing to make sure I f**k him right up.” He then said he’d literally piss on George’s face.

This is just really very terrific. But someone should advise DMX that stepping in to a boxing ring doesn’t magically absolve you from being charged with manslaughter in the event you beat your opponent to death. However, that doesn’t mean he should leave his kevlar at home (he is fighting George Zimmerman, after all).

I think my biggest question regarding this whole mess is FOR WHY?? Why do we need a televised boxing match between these two? TV should be used for good, not evil. I have a better solution: direct these two to the nearest 7-Eleven parking lot, give DMX a roll of pennies and a large can of Monster Rehab, and George Zimmerman nothing (that’s fair, I think), and have someone stir the pot by telling DMX that George Zimmerman was talking shit about him on Facebook, and see who still has their earrings by the time the cops are called. And also tell me which 7-Eleven, because I never miss a good fight.

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