White Oprah Never Disappoints

The last time the drunk leach on Lindsay Lohan’s wallet and Cookie Puss’ arch rival White Oprah tore her mouth away from an economy-sized bottle of Popov vodka to proudly represent the definition of delusion in an interview, it was a stuttering disaster of a magical mess. White Oprah’s legendary trainwreck interview with Matt Lauer became AA’s 13th step: DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

Well, for her encore, White Oprah sat down with the real Oprah’s humanized hemorrhoid, Dr. Phil, to talk about how she’s an enabling piece of raggedy trash and has the parenting skills of a cracked meth pipe. The full interview airs on Monday, but because nothing will get eyes on your show like the promise of a showdown between a testicle with a stache and a drunken, giggling pile of weave hair, a 60-second teaser has been released. It’s 60 seconds of YES and I love it when an exploiter exploits an exploiter.

Somewhere, the doctor who delivered LiLo is tearing up his medical license as punishment for not giving her to a pack of hobos in the hospital alleyway so she could stand some kind of chance at living a normal life.

And “You’re in your little tie and your little shoes….” is now my favorite line to spit at a ho who is judging me for being a boozed-up disaster.

via Lainey Gossip 

White Oprah’s Still Got It

Every now and again, the original Lohan grifter needs to remind herself that she’s completely shame deficient and still has the skills needed to successfully swindle a trick. The bitch still does! Page Six says that the master con artist behind the infamous Cookie Puss Scheme of 2010 and her brother Paul Anthony Sullivan, who was convinced of fraud in 2008, were guests at a charity event in the Hamptons. The organizers of the event gave White Oprah four free tickets, but she showed up with 8 hos in total, because everything you say to a Lohan goes in one ear and out the left nostril. Not only did White Oprah show up with 8 whores, but she skipped out on a $2,500 check and didn’t even leave a coke booger for the servers. “I am so shocked by this!” said ONLY Lindsay Lohan since the coke mash of delusion in her head is always in opposite land.

The charity event was held at Andrra restaurant and all proceeds benefited the Clamshell Foundation. (I know, I don’t like it either that the Clamshell Foundation sounds like a pet name Lindsay Lohan gave to her ‘gina.) After the event, White Oprah and Brother Paul were served with a bill for $2,500 and they immediately exploded into a whiskey tornado of crazy. A source says that Brother Paul screamed at the organizers and they agreed to lower the bill down to $1,100. But instead of paying that $1,100, White Oprah, Brother Paul and their gang of charity haters skipped out without even leaving a penny. The owner of Andrra, Rich Silver, confirmed that White Oprah didn’t pay shit, but he wouldn’t say anything more.

Of course, Brother Paul is right on time and let out this river of denial:

“This is a total lie. My written and verbal agreement with Rich Silver was to comp dinner for 8 to 10 guests, six people ate. There was not to be any bill. Then you get a bill for $2,500?

Dina was strictly invited as a guest and had nothing to do with paying anything. This is totally false. There is no bill to pay. I paid $500 for drinks, and I will wire a tip tomorrow.”

“I will wire a tip tomorrow” is a good line. We have to give that Brother Paul. And if Rich Silver gives up his wire details to White Oprah, he shouldn’t be surprised if suddenly thousands of dollars are mysterious wired from his account to several off-shore accounts. Speaking of not being surprised….

What did the organizers of that event expect? When you invite a Lohan to your party, you’re going to be left with an empty bar, a toilet clogged with booze barf and at least half of your valuables missing. That is why when you make the mistake of inviting a Lohan over, you should immediately replace all your silver coke spoons with Dixie plastic coke spoons and you should hide your valuables in a safe place the Lohans will never go…like a shower.

I doubt White Oprah only skipped out on the check. That’s some amateur shit (see: pictures of LiLo leaving Mr. Chow last night after probably skipping out on the check.) I bet that during the event, Cody Lohan was outside by the valet stand with dirt on his face, a fake cast on his leg and a cup for people to slip 20s in since everyone was in the charity-giving mood. Then White Oprah sashayed out, barked at Cody to give her 75% of his take and gave the valet guy a ticket she slipped out of a dude’s jacket while inside of the party. They drove off in a stolen Mercedes and headed straight for the Lohan family chop shop.

White Oprah Is Making Her Much-Anticipated Return To Reality TV

Yes, much-anticipated! Dozens of unlicensed pharmacists in the Long Island area have been anticipating for White Oprah to finally get a job so they can get paid the way they did during the glory days of Living Lohan.

White Oprah’s sedated face will not only make an appearance on one reality show, but it will make an appearance on two. White Oprah needs to star in an episode of Intervention and a few episodes of TLC’s Cell Block 6: Female Lock Up, but in the meantime she’s shooting episodes of Vh1′s Hollywood Exes and a yet to be picked up show called DramaMamas.

Vh1 has Basketball Wives, Baseball Wives, Mob Wives, Hip Hop Wives, Drug Dealer Wives, Veterinary Assistant Wives, Ping Pong Champions Wives, Mail Man Wives, Blah Blah Wives and now they have Hollywood Ex-Wives! TMZ says that Hollywood Exes stars the ex pieces of Prince, R. Kelly, Jose Canseco, Eddie Murphy and Will Smith. White Oprah isn’t a regular on that mess, but the producers brought her in to spice shit up. You know, because every reality show needs a comic relief who will get caught licking up the leftover booze in a bar back’s bin and whose catchphrase will be, “Are you going to drink that?”

DramaMamas is basically a Dance Moms knock-off and Zap2It says the show will follow the moms of the child stars of a Broadway-bound musical. White Oprah is apparently one of the producers of the musical, because nothing needs to make sense anymore, so why not? But seriously, nothing good can come out of White Oprah producing a show starring children. I’m sure that for the show’s big finale, the adorable children will dance into the audience and sneakily steal the audience members’ rings and watches before dropping that shit into a giant sack held by White Oprah.

I’m happy that White Oprah is finally making a little money, which means she won’t sell little Cody Lohan’s internal organs to the highest bidder just yet, but I have one question. Why in the hell hasn’t Nana Lohan gotten her own show yet?!

Somebody Let White Oprah Hold Their Baby

A bear trap, a sloth with a drinking problem, a Skee-Ball ball, the animatronic Abraham Lincoln from Disneyland, a pigeon skeleton, a cardboard cutout of the It Clown, Donatella Versace, John Travolta’s weekday wig, the creepy girl at the groomers who told me my dog has nice legs, an empty can of Tab, the broken Sleep ‘N Snore Ernie in my childhood bedroom closet, Blue Ivy Carter, green ivy (the plant), a skunk’s nose hair and a pack of wolves in sheep’s clothing are all things I’d let my hold my baby before I’d let White Oprah hold my baby.

Either somebody disagrees with me or they asked all those things to hold their baby and all those things were busy doing other stuff. Because today at The Grove in L.A., Lindsay Lohan’s pimp mom held an actual living, breathing human baby being without the supervision of several government agencies. I don’t know if White Oprah knows that baby or she just randomly picked that baby up, but I find it really strange that a plainclothes Child Protective Services agent didn’t immediately tackle her to the ground while another agent grabbed the baby. Shouldn’t CPS be tailing her at all times?

On a positive note, if I was a baby, I’d want White Oprah to hold me too. White Oprah’s breath is 100 proof and the shittiest thing about being a baby is that you can’t buy your own booze.

Another Day, Another Ho Accusing Lindsay Lohan Of Battery

For once, the “dumb bitch” tag doesn’t only apply to a Lohan in this post.

Some woman filed a police report in West Hollywood over the weekend claiming that she’s the latest victim to feel the coke-infused wrath of the freckled terror, because she says Lindsay Lohan went after her at The Standard hotel on Thursday night. The woman says she was talking to one of LiLo’s dude friends, and LiLo didn’t like it so she started shoving and pushing at her ass. Ho says that she’s got bruises on her back to prove she was pushed. When TMZ ran this story yesterday, they asked LiLo’s spokeswhore for a comment, and of course he gave them a river of denial that only flows out of White Oprah’s ass:

“Lindsay was absolutely not involved in any sort of altercation whatsoever. This is clearly another case of someone looking for money and 15 minutes of fame.”

Then LiLo later told TMZ that it was impossible for her to push a trick at a club since she was at home watching episodes of Homeland that night.

There are two sides to every story and LiLo has already snorted both of those sides up, so I don’t know who to believe. If security footage came out clearly showing LiLo at The Standard, she’d still say, “It wasn’t me! It was Axl Rose! Bitches get us confused a lot!,” so you can’t trust anything that pours of her mouth. That said, there’s a history of hos trying to scam the scammer of all scammers, so this supposed victim could be making it all up hoping to get a check.

If LiLo is lying, then that woman learned the hard way to never mess with one of LiLo’s johns unless you’re okay with scrubbing out coke residue and fake tan grease from the back of your dress after she pushes you out of the way. If the woman is lying, then I am so mad at her for making me side with a Lohan. (Although, the Lohans do have better party favors on their side.)

LiLo Hits The Ho Stroll After Court

Lindsay Lohan celebrated getting an air kiss from Judge Stephanie in court yesterday by doing what she does best: partying her nostrils off. (Don’t worry, she keeps a glue stick in her purse so she can easily slap them back on her face.) While looking like a Playboy Playmate of 1976 turned Real Housewife of The Staten Island Expressway, LiLo strut her baboon labia lips into a pre-Oscar party as White Oprah stumbled in behind her.

LiLo is supposed to scoot a skid mark across Elizabeth Taylor’s image by playing her in that Lifetime shit, but you wouldn’t know it by that hair. That hair color (in shade: meth-stained teeth) tells me that she shouldn’t be playing Elizabeth Taylor. Bitch should be playing current day Joyce McKinney! Just throw a cloned puppy at LiLo and yell, “ACTION!”

And I don’t know if White Oprah did antifreeze shots in the car or if her face is so used to being drunk that it just naturally looks like that even when she’s sober. HA at me thinking she’s ever sober.