And What Did Lindsay Lohan Wear To Court Today?

If that Sheriff is having a face orgasm from staring at Lindsay Lohan’s freckled ass dumplings, then we all know that in the state of California exists a Sheriff who spends his off-duty hours watching granny porn while fucking a bag of prunes. The Belle of the California Justice System returned to her home away from the Chateau Marmont with White Oprah this morning for her second to last probation hearing.

As expected, Judge Stephanie sprinkled lines of crushed up gold stars in front of LiLo for doing what she’s supposed to do including completing her community service and showing up to her therapy sessions. LiLo just has to finish up 14 hours of morgue duty and 5 therapy sessions before her last hearing on March 29th and then she’ll be a FREEEEEE crackie.

Judge Stephanie must be a special kind of vampire who can glamour cokey zombies into doing what she wants, because it’s a miracle that after all these years of spitting at the taint of the justice system, LiLo is no longer speeding down the Fuck Up Highway. Since Judge Stephanie has LiLo well trained (for now), can she please order her to stop bleaching her weave until it’s the color of stomach bile? Peroxide should take a restraining order out against LiLo, because nobody’s hair color should be the exact shade of dick funk. And on a positive note, I do like LiLo’s mint dress. It’s very “call girl on an early episode of Miami Vice.”

White Oprah Scares Her Children

White Oprah should be dragging Lindsay Lohan by the wig to a rehab/monastery/Hazmat Center, but instead she’s out partying and talking to the media. Naturally. At a party for New Jersey Turnpike Fashion Week (no, she was at NYC Fashion Week, don’t ask me why), UsWeekly asked White Oprah about her style. All of us see White Oprah’s style as carefree elegance. White Oprah gets up in the afternoon, grabs a few weave pieces that LiLo shed on the floor throughout the night, sticks them on with a dab of her own vomit and then picks out the perfect dress for her to hike up over her waist when the bar’s toilet is busy and she needs to squat a pee out in the alley. Carefree elegance! But White Oprah’s hos, Lindsay and Ali, see her style as a complete horror show.

“My girls are always telling me to cut my hair. You know, you think you’re fashion forward, and then you have children who are way more, but you make your own look [work]. But it’s hard when you’re girls are like, ‘Mom, you’re looking scary.'”

Lindsay & Ali to White Oprah: YOU’RE SCARING US!

The world to all the Lohans: YOU’RE SCARING US MORE!

Speaking of scary, Michael Lohan gave TMZ a picture of him applying for a job at a Burger King in Florida. Great, just what we need. I’m happy that Michael is actually getting a real job, but I’m not happy for the tortured people who will soon buy a piece of dead meat that will give them the shits from a piece of shit with dead meat for a soul.

Victoria Gotti Is Looking Beat

If you told me that this was really White Oprah trying to look like 25-year-old (in Stodden years, obviously) Lindsay Lohan with the help of a backwards discount wig named Crystal from Party City, bronzer (in shade: death diarrhea) mixed with bloody dirt from a crime scene and the make-up artist who did Pam’s rotting skin on True Blood, I wouldn’t call you a liar. This is LiLo at an amfAR gala in NYC last night, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she once she strolled in looking like that, the organizers changed the event to benefit her instead of AIDS research, because DAMN. We can all update the saying “like death warmed over” to “like LiLo warmed over.”

LiLo obviously doesn’t have any friends, because a true friend wouldn’t let her leave the motel room looking like Owen Wilson going to a Halloween party as a zombie Loretta Swit. Somebody needs to cover her with a fumigation tent and drag her to church for a long soak in a bowl of holy water right after they sit her down for a one-on-one intervention with Nancy Reagan. LiLo is a walking Just Say No campaign. I mean, those gaping nostril holes need a lap band around them, because bitch can snort a line from across the room.

When you’re 25 and making Woody Allen look young, fresh and hot by comparison, it’s time to get Jesus in your life. Shit, Scientology is the devil, but at this point I’d tell LiLo to get some Xenu in her life.

Hugh Hefner Is Not Impressed With Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy Spread

Judge Stephanie gave Lindsay Lohan a full week to turn herself in for a jail sentence that will last as long as the dramatic pause the ATM machine makes in front of Michael Lohan before spitting out an “insufficient funds” note, and that’s because she has to once again pull out her medicine ball in a tube sock titties and freckled crab shack for Playboy’s photographer. LiLo already put her nipples on display for Playboy in a 4 day-long shoot that wrapped last week, but E! News is reporting that when Hef looked at the pictures, the groan that Linda Blair makes in The Exorcist after she barfs up pea smegma played in his head and he ordered a RE-DO! Then he ordered his day nurse to RE-MASH his prune porridge since his leased blond trick of the moment keeps complaining about bits getting into her chocha when she has to sit on his face while changing his colostomy bag (two birds, one stone, etc….).

A source says that Hef has brought in a new photographer and is changing the entire concept of LiLo’s shoot. The shoot is supposed to happen today and LiLo’s cooze has gotten the day off, because she’s not going to get fully naked this time.

Let’s try to do the math without a calculator! Hef’s foggy eyes tell him that even industrial-strength Photoshop can’t save LiLo’s first pictures and now they’ve excused her vagina from the set? Those two things equals Ryan Murphy offering LiLo’s vagina a cameo on American Horror Story as one of the things in the jars down in the basement.

Meanwhile, White Oprah is ejaculating with pride over her daughter’s Playboy spread to The Insider and says it will be really fucking classy, “It will be tastefully done. She’s been working in front of the camera with Ford Models since she was a little girl so she kinda knows how to work that.”

Leave it to White Oprah to reach new levels of GROSS by using the words “since she was a little girl” while talking about her daughter getting ass lips naked in Playboy. The Toddlers & Tiaras moms thank White Oprah for being skeezier than them.

Nothing Like A Pimp Selling Out Her Ho

The shocking news of the day is that White Oprah is redirecting the usual actions of her pimp hand from pushing her kids onto the ho stroll to pushing at her ghostwriter to do that extra line of powdered No Doz so they can finish her memoirs before her #1 ho gets thrown into jail. The not-so-shocking news of the day is that White Oprah is trying to sell her memoirs by selling out her daughter in it. When the vodka bottle goes empty, it’s every Lohan for themselves!

TMZ got a hold of the prologue from White Oprah’s soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize winning autobiography (possible titles: Crackdays with Lindsay, Lindsay Ashes: I’m Dancing On Them, A Million Little Enablers and I Know Why The Coke Bird Snorts) and in it she writes all about Lindsay’s sad transformation from child star to premiere mug shot model. White Oprah uses her favorite snortin’ finger to point the blame at everybody but herself for ruining her daughter’s life. Here’s just a few excerpts from the Book According to Delusion:

“I blamed her friends, her career and her handlers for an (sic) newfound lifestyle of partying excessively. Drinking, drugging and behaving irresponsibly became Lindsay’s way of daily living–and it tore me up inside.”

“How could I deny my daughter the chance of a lifetime? How could I hold Lindsay back from her dream of becoming an actress? So, I listened to others and sent my daughter to Hollywood with a few pieces of luggage and a chaperone.”

TMZ says that White Oprah “worked” with a ghostwriter (aka Nana Lohan) on the prologue and her rep started shopping it around to publishers two weeks ago. So far, every publisher she sent the prologue to, rolled it up and sent it back. To which, White Oprah said “THANK YOU!” since she had herself a new jumbo coke straw.

Gossip Cop threw a bucket of ice water on White Oprah as she lay passed out, face first in a barback’s bin on the floor of a Long Island sports bar, and asked her about this. White Oprah opened up her whiskey orifice and said that would never write anything negative about her child. The deluded evil twat went on to say, “When and if [I do write a book] it will be all positive.”

Everything that comes out of White Oprah’s mouth has as much credibility as what comes out of her asshole, so we should all believe that she’s kicking coins out of her daughter when the bitch is down. That chill in your ear you just felt was Papa Joe, Joe Jackson, Billy Ray Cyrus and Pimp Mama Kris all saying “too far too far” at the same time.

The Next Life White Oprah Will Ruin Gets Her First Cover!

Since Lindsay Lohan can’t even get a job scaring the bowels out of a bitch with her “Ayes Snort Your Brainz” face at Knott’s Scary Farm, White Oprah needs somebody to be the main coke winner of the family since the ball of Vicodin mash in her head gets an allergic reaction every time it thinks of getting a real job to support her family. And the only cure for that allergy is to a shove a Neti Pot full of vodka up the swollen anus on her nose. Who’s going to pay for her medicine?! That’s where 17-year-old Ali Lohan comes in.

As you’ve already laughed your lungs out, Ali was signed to NEXT Model Management back in August and was called a future fashion icon by her agent (who obviously said this after staring deep into the crystal meth ball). And now here’s the future of fashion (“But I want to live in the past…” – fashion) on something called Fault Magazine with a rayon dutch boy wig on her head and an ear full of White Oprah screaming at her to pose faster, because they need to get to the plastic surgeon’s office so he can make her even skinnier by lipoing out the fatter pieces of her soul.

I pains me to say this, especially as a Barbizon alumni, but some of these pictures aren’t as awful as I’d think they would be. Yes, in some these shots she looks like a malnourished Gorn in Blade Runner drag. But the freckled wonder sort of pulls it off in other pictures.

This is still a freckled-splattered wrong and White Oprah should be charged under the anti-terrorism act. I mean, this photo shoot is funding the Lohan’s famewhoring ways. Case closed!