I think we all knew Twitter’s inevitable downfall would be coming soon after Elon Musk brought his permanent Scream mask face to the party to ruin it for everyone. After he purchased Twitter for the low, low price of $44 billion, he has been acting like the dorky kid who takes revenge on his former bullies every day (cue Kathy Griffin doing a new photoshoot with his head instead). And to add insult to injury, Tumblr is trolling Twitter by also selling $8 blue check marks, but theirs are more like blue middle fingers aimed directly at Elon.
The Verge is reporting that PornHub is looking to buy Tumblr, the once-prominent time-waster of university age-gays and the still-prominent time-waster for Nazis. You may be cheering to yourself about the hope of female nipples and dicks once more appearing on Tumblr after PornHub buys it, but beware! For there is a dark under-bellied truth to the Tumblr acquisition which speaks to a broader problem in the porn community. Yeah guys, this isn’t just big tits and jacking off: it’s a business.
This post really only needs three words. Those three words being: “NO FUCKING DUH.” Tumblr recently banned porn and The Verge reports that they’ve lose a huge amount of users. You don’t say. As a FORMER user of Tumblr myself (mind your business), I can attest to the fact that it’s no longer bookmarked in MY browsers (mind your business). And I’m sure that it’s the same sitch for tons of other gentlefolk with chronic masturbatory habits. Just sayin’. (Mind your business.)
In news that was surely orchestrated by a tag team of the Grinch and multiple southern churches, the porn police has struck once again – and this time it’s a slap in the face to all us budget hoes who are too cheap to shell out for a Sean Cody membership. Starbucks last week surprised us in acknowledging people were watching porn while they sipped lattes and using the in-store WiFi and said they were going to put the kibosh on that with new internet filters. Now, Tumblr – a blogging platform I have no way of proving but would still guess is 9000% comprised of porn – said it is going to Scrooge us all and ban porn in the next two weeks.
And you thought Lea Michele airing out her gigolo was some intense breaking news. Tumblr icon and former Days of Our Lives star (that’s the important piece and it’s where his castmate got the idea for his present-day mop) Jensen Ackles blew up the world (and the ladyflowers belonging to each and every Supernatural fan – even the men) by joining Twitter today.
— Jensen Ackles (@JensenAckles) August 24, 2014
Hold back your screams, bitches and please put a towel down before you sit on the couch. Now you can read Jared’s every thought (“For why did I eat that hot dog at Dragon-Con 2014? #FML”) from the safety of your smartphone.
And it’s not a hoax cuz’ his fellow Tumblr god, the passion-maned drug addiction counselor Jared Padalecki, confirmed it! Huzzah!
— Jared Padalecki (@jarpad) August 24, 2014
Those of you who don’t write Supernatural incest slash fic for your 30-something Tumblr followers are probably like – who dat? It’s not that important. He did name his kid Justice Jay, though. That’s what they used to call me whenever I was in the tank and had to blow a couple of COs to get moved up the docket quicker.
Check out more pics of Jensen Ackles from the CW Upfronts earlier this year in London in the gallery below.