Tina Fey’s Having A BABY!!!!

Screw, Year of the Rabbit! 2011 is turning out to be the Year of the Fetus (although, Year of the Rabbit works too). Wombs all around Hollywood and beyond are currently at capacity and you can add Tina Fey to the NO VACANCY list! Tina Fey was on Oprah today and dropped the news that she’s 5 months pregnant. Yeah, so you know that sonic boom that whistled the wax off of your ear hairs this afternoon? It was Oprah screaming from Chicago: TEEEEEEEEEEN-AAAAAAAH FAAAAAY-YAAAAAAY IS HAVING A BAAAAAAAAAY-BEEEEEEEE! If you stand outside really still, the echo will come back and hit you.

Tina’s rep confirms to People that she gave Oprah the news (in an episode airing on April 12th) that that she’s expecting a second kid with her husband Jeff Richmond. Tina was on the show to promote her new book Bossypants and her return to SNL in a few weeks. It not yet known if an “Over the Moon” violation was made. Developing…

Congrats to Tina, Jeff and Alice! And congrats to all the writers at 30 Rock since I’m sure Tina’s baby will deliver the second coming of “I want to go to there.” The doctor is going to slap her baby and then hand him/her a membership card for the Writers Guild.

And I didn’t mean that “screw, the Year of the Rabbit” shit. Because I”m pretty sure that gay hairdresser rabbit with Tina is “the rabbit” in Year of the Rabbit.

Ricky Martin Won A GLAAD Award Last Night

And either the excitement of winning an award fermented and bubbled over putting him in a drunk euphoric coma, or the camera caught the moment his butt finally exhaled out a fart that had been stuck in there all day. Either way, Ricky Martin is relaxed. So yeah, Ricky won a trophy at the GLAAD Media Awards last night for being GAY!, OUT! and a CELEBRITY! Ricky told reporters that declaring his love for the peen was welcomed with open arms (and other body parts). Ricky thanked his partner Carlos and then gave a shout to Mexico, Brazil, Argentina, etc… Sadly, Ricky didn’t give a special thanks to his shiny red Menudo jeggings. Here’s Ricky’s speech:

“I just want to be free. I can say today I’m free. And for that I definitely need to thank my parents for being so supportive, my mother and my dad for their unconditional love, and my friends, my family, my fans. And my partner in crime and my boyfriend Carlos.

And GLAAD let’s go to Latin America, let’s share the love! Let’s go to Mexico! Let’s go to Columbia! Let’s go to Argentina! Let’s go to Chile! Let’s go to Brazil! We need you GLAAD — we need you down there, we need to spread the love in Latin America. Let’s do it in Spanish. I can help, I can do it! I’ll be part of it. I want to be part of it.”

“Let’s do it in Spanish” has just become my new favorite fuck partner pick-up line. And besides Ricky, other hos who found a trophy in their hands last night included Tina Fey and True Blood (full winners list here).

And here’s some pictures! In order: Ricky Martin, Andy Cohen with warriors from the Ke$ha tribe, Tina Fey, Manila Luzon with Sahara Davenport, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, Jane Velezzie-Mitchell with a chick who is giving me the dizzies and Rollerina.

No, Maddox Didn’t!

Jennifer Aniston came home late one night (okay, it was like 8) after a particularly exciting knitting circle session and she couldn’t wait to share everything with her confidantes, best friends and children. Jennifer opened the door to their room, clapped on the Winnie the Pooh floor lamp, and then the look of ecstatic happiness on her face immediately burned away and the ashes turned into a mask of PAINED TERROR! Covering the baby blue berber carpet of the nursery were mounds upon mounds of the fluffy synthetic white guts from her BEST FRIENDS! Jennifer dropped to her knees, raised her fists at the Hasbro Gods and let out a silent wail that could only be heard throughout the stuffed animal section at Toys ‘R Us.

Who would do this? Who would be evil and vengeful enough to commit a STUFFED ANIMAL MASSACRE! And then a cold wind softly touched one of the tears running down Jennifer’s cheek which made her turn to an open window in the room. And there she saw it….a single piece of black cotton fabric stuck to a nail in the windowsill. Jennifer knew and as she stared down at her hands filled with her fallen soulmates’ guts she made a silent promise to them to get REVENGE AT ANY COST!!!

Cut to Maddox Jolie-Pitt sashaying into the NYC premiere of Megamind last night with a smug smirk that washed all over his face as soon as he slipped on the luxurious coat made from the pelts of his arch rival’s precious friends. Aniston: 0, Maddox de Vil: I lost count.

And as I try to tally up all of Maddox’s victories, you can spend a little time with these pictures of Brad Pitt, Tina Fey and Ben Stiller at last night’s premiere. After looking at Brad Pitt’s dozed eyes, I now know what the guy at my deli sees when I stumble in to buy a jar of nacho cheese after smoking the good shit for hours in my darkened apartment.

And The Best Dressed Goes To…..

If you’ve ever wanted to know what the pastel tears of a gay unicorn looks like, you can go through my trash can to find my used Kleenexes from my nightly “WHY ME?” cry on the bathroom floor. Or you can just get a good look at Betty White’s dress which she is wearing to the Emmys (or the Bettys as they should be called) tonight.

All those journalists who were going to stay up until dawn tonight trying to figure out who was the hottest bitch at the Emmys tonight can send Betty White a thank you basket, because she has made their job easier. If Betty is not at the top of every best dressed list tomorrow, then it’s confirmed that Satan walks amongst us. I mean, how can Betty not be at the top? Not only does she have the spirit of Blanche, Dorothy and Sophia dancing in pastel across her dress, but she also looks like the grandma of the gay groom at a Palm Springs wedding circa 1983. Also, it’s not a party until you’re wearing a pearl necklace and Betty is showing us that. This is a candy-coated fucking win!

And here’s some other hot pieces from tonight including: Jon Hamm with his wife Jennifer Westfeldt, Chris Colfer, James Lipton (and his gorgeous wife who gets best dressed runner-up), Jane Lynch, Kathy Griffin with Mama Maggie, LAFAYETTE!!!! and Tina Fey.

Tina Fey’s First Commercial Makes Me Miss Empty Lofts

This Mutual Savings Bank commercial from 1995 starring Tina Fey makes me remember the magical time when every lady comic on TV wore tapestry vests over white button-down shirts and EVERYTHING (I mean, EVERYTHING) was filmed in an empty loft. This is as if Lisa Loeb’s “Stay” video crashed into Jenny Jones’ wardrobe closet. Tapestry vests and empty lofts really need to make a comeback.

via Buzzfeed

Another Baby For Matt Damon

Matt Damon’s wife Luciana, a former cocktail waitress and now the RICHEST WOMAN ALIVE (or something like that), has come down with another case of the babies for the fourth time. Matt’s rep told UsWeekly that everyone in the Damon household is excited. Yes, anticipating the sweet and sour scent of wet newborn caca is really exciting.

Matt and Luciana have a 3-year-old Isabella and a 21-month-old Gia. Luciana has an 11-year-old, Alexia, daughter from a previous dude.

I honestly thought Luciana already a tenant in her womb. She’s like permanently pregnant. And since she’s knocked up, that means Jennifer Garner isn’t far behind. Matt and Ben’s sperm fishes are synchronized.

And since Matt and Luciana might be hoping for boy, I decided to visit my favorite treasure trove of wisdom to see what others had to say about conceiving a dude. This is what someone said:

Theoretically, boy sperm is lighter than girl sperm and they swim faster, so u can try having him ejacuate as close to the cervix as possible, i would reccomend doggy style. l0l this isnt gonna guarantee you a boy but hey no harm in trying.

Thank the fuck I’m not a woman (keep your lips shut!), because I would’ve popped out three dozen boys by now.