Category: This Is News
Prince Hot Ginge’s Ass Fell Off Of A Horse Twice
This highly important event happened a couple of days ago and I’m just posting about it now, because I’ve been mouth deep in a pool of Thanksgiving leftovers and booze while fucking my ear holes with my own fingers to drown out the sound of my family members fighting over everything. And I’m also just posting it now, because I was busy having some Photoshop fun with that screen shot of Prince Hot Ginge with his ass up in the air.
While those thirsty royal bitches Duchess Kate and Prince William spent part of their weekend refreshing Kensington Palace’s Twitter page to watch the favorites count on those pictures of Baby Princess Charlotte go up and up and up, Prince Hot Ginge was in South Africa doing some actual work! PHG did a four-day tour to South Africa and during a polo match on Saturday, he ate grass twice after falling off of his horse. Yes, my ass is jealous of that grass.
The best way to watch this video is to watch it with the sound on mute and “Pony” blasting.
The HELL is wrong with that horse? When PHG is riding your back hard, you enjoy the ride and keep him on you as long as possible. Who cares if the heat from his piping hot royal jewels burn through the saddle and char your skin? You keep on! I swear, that horse is an embarrassment. This would’ve never ever happened if I could shape-shift into a polo horse. (“Well, you’re already a horse’s ass, so you’re halfway there, bitch!” – you)
And here’s Saint Hot Ginge visiting a youth center in Cape Town today.
Pics: Getty
Carly Simon Admits That “You’re So Vain” Is (Partly) About Warren Beatty
Ever since classic diss track “You’re So Vain” came out in 1972, hos have been guessing who the song is about and Carly Simon has always played it pretty coy. I’m surprised there was never a 70s game show called This Song Is About Who? where contestants tried to guess who that damn song was about. Over the decades, people have guessed that the song was about Warren Beatty, David Cassidy, David Bowie, Cat Stevens or Mick Jagger. Five years ago, The Sun spit up evidence that the song is about David Geffen. Carly has only said that it’s about three dudes, but now that she’s got her memoirs Boys In The Trees to promote, she’s spilling a name.
In news that is about as shocking as me having saltine cracker nachos for lunch, Carly tells People that Warren thinks the entire song is about him, but only the second verse was inspired by him doing her dirty (and not in a sexy way). This is how the second verse goes:
You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee.
The real news is that she sings “clouds in my coffee.” I thought it was “clowns in my coffee” for the longest time and figured she was snorting LSD-laced Cremora in the morning.
Carly is sewing her lips shut when it comes to saying who the other two are. (SPOILER ALERT: It’s David Geffen and Betty White. It’s always Betty White.) When asked if she’ll ever say who the other two are, she said, “I don’t think so, at least until they know it’s about them.”
I can already picture my mom rolling her eyes while saying, “Excuse me while I pass out from shock,” after hearing this news. We’ll all do the same thing in 40 years when Taylor Swift is peddling her memoirs and tells us that “Bad Blood” is about Katy Perry. I’m saving a special string of clutching pearls for that occasion.
Pic: AP
Now THIS Is An Act Of Pure Love
A new line needs to be added to all marriage vows. Before you’re officially declared married, you need to shout out an ALL-CAPS, bolded, italicized “FUCK YES” to the following: “Do you promise to love, honor, and trust your piece in sickness and in health, and also let them spit their gum into your mouth if they win an award and need to give a speech?”
Distractify posted a series of GIFS as evidence that expert penguin purse holder Peter Dinklage spit his gum into the mouth of his wife of 10 years, Erica Schmidt, before he went onto the stage to accept the Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama. When Peter’s name was called, he kissed Erica, pulled away, realized he’s chewing gum and it looked like she put out her hand like, “Dump it in my hand.” Peter then went in for another kiss and that’s when the two may have redefined the meaning of “true love” by passing that chewed-up piece of gum. Peter sort of confirmed the whole act of touching, heartwarming sweetness by telling the audience, “I wasn’t prepared at all. I was even chewing gum.” Pull out your Detective La Toya® brand magnifying glass to see for yourself if Erica proved that she’s ride chew or die:
The evidence says: SHE DID!. That is almost “stick your finger up my ass and pop my stubborn doody bubble” levels of real love. And this isn’t really “snowballing” since they’re passing a wad of gum instead of a cum load. So what do we call this? Gumballin’?
Ben Affleck Has Taken His Wedding Ring Off FOREVER
UsWeekly reported today that Ben Affleck has officially removed his wedding ring and a source confirms this. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that the source is their motherfucking eyeballs since anybody who can see knows that Ben Affleck isn’t wearing his wedding ring in these pictures.
No, I think what UsWeekly means is that Ben and Jennifer Garner’s ring fingers have said goodbye to their wedding bands for good. For a while, Ben was playing the ring game. Sometime’s he’d have it on, sometimes he’d have it off. He was either trolling the tabloids for attention or his ring would get lost every time he fisted his piece of the moment. It happens. But a source tells UsWeekly that Ben and Jennifer have decided to completely move on and have agreed to stop wearing their wedding rings. Ben was out in L.A. yesterday with his daughter Seraphina and his wedding ring was not on his finger. Mark this day.
I’m glad that Ben Affleck isn’t wearing his wedding ring anymore. Now nothing will distract us from his magnificent man tits. They deserve all the attention. Hopefully Jennifer Garner got in one last good motorboat for the road.
Pics: Splash
BREAKING: This Is What Jennifer Aniston’s Wedding Band Looks Like
I know, that can’t be Jennifer Aniston’s actual wedding band. I’m convinced her actual wedding band has the words “Final Sign Of The Apocalypse” written on it in tiny diamonds. That must be a stunt ring.
Jennifer Aniston, the last single bitch alive to get married, made her BIG PUBLIC DEBUT as a married woman at the L.A. premiere of some movie I’m not going to pay to see but will watch in a few months on Netflix when I’m drunk, stoned and emotional. While Jennifer’s engagement ring is so damn huge that it has to be put on her finger using a low-flying helicopter, half-a-dozen Strongman competition finalists and four cranes, her wedding band is pretty damn boring and looks like something your modest auntie would pick out for herself at Kay Jewelers.
As for the wedding, that’s probably the only thing hos asked her about last night, but Jennifer kept her lips shut about it. She told Entertainment Tonight that she wants to keep it private. The HELL?
“We had the beautiful luxury of having a beautiful private moment and I’m going to be selfish and keep it that way! I’m not telling you about any of that stuff!”
So, Jennifer Aniston gets married and at her first public event, she doesn’t rip open a trench coat, revealing a jumpsuit made of 500 pictures from her wedding and she doesn’t pull out a tablet showing video of the ceremony as dancers wearing replicas of her dress sing her vows while doing a kick line? Something in the milk ain’t clean. But you know, I’m going to use it. The next time one of my Facebook friends gets married and posts a million pictures from her wedding including pictures of her toe nail polish and the ugly food that was served, I’m going to tell her that if Jennifer Aniston can show some restraint, so can she!
Leave Harper Beckham’s Pacifier Alooooooooooooone, So Says Her Dad
My favorite literary journal of the utmost integrity, The Daily Mail, yanked the pacifier out of Harper Seven Beckham’s 4-year-old mouth the other day when they published new pictures of her with a binky in her mouth. They also asked the question that should keep all of us from going to sleep every single night: “Why does Harper, four, still use a dummy?” “Dummy” is British talk for pacifier.
The Daily Mail spoke to several “experts” who put on their Captain Concern Troll cap and said that in their professional opinion, if Harper keeps using a pacifier, she’ll have teeth like a hockey-playing meth head who chewed on a bunch of rocks, and she could also develop a speech impediment. Their experts say that chirrun should only use a pacifier for a few months and that no 4-year-old should depend on one. Child Protective Services must’ve been closed the past few days, or something, because I didn’t read anything about how all the Beckham children were taken away after CPS learned Posh and David Beckham were committing the worst kind of child abuse by letting their 4-year-old daughter use a pacifier.
Becks jumped on Instagram yesterday and served a Super Sized cup of “Stick A Pacifier In Your Mouth And Shut The Fuck Up” to the Daily Mail and judgy parents who live to judge.
Why do people feel they have the right to criticize a parent about their own children without having any facts ?? Everybody who has children knows that when they aren’t feeling well or have a fever you do what comforts them best and most of the time it’s a pacifier so those who criticize think twice about what you say about other people’s children because actually you have no right to criticize me as a parent …
I’ve said this before, but I sucked on my thumb until the 3rd grade (the jokes, they tell themselves) and my teeth came out all kinds of jacked up. I had teeth like a rabbit on crack. My buck teeth were in a different zip code than my mouth. It only took 2 years of nighttime headgear use and 5 years of braces to straighten that wonky situation out. But I’m sure Harper’s teeth will be fine and even if they’re not, Posh and Becks can easily afford to have all of her teeth replaced with tiny bars of diamonds.
But what if H7 is a tiny raver and she was using that pacifier because she was rolling on E? And the Daily Mail is rudely trying to screw with her roll. Now that’s a real act of child abuse!
Here’s the pacifier defender looking hot while leaving Hole Cycle (typo and it stays) in L.A. yesterday.
