White Oprah Never Disappoints

The last time the drunk leach on Lindsay Lohan’s wallet and Cookie Puss’ arch rival White Oprah tore her mouth away from an economy-sized bottle of Popov vodka to proudly represent the definition of delusion in an interview, it was a stuttering disaster of a magical mess. White Oprah’s legendary trainwreck interview with Matt Lauer became AA’s 13th step: DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

Well, for her encore, White Oprah sat down with the real Oprah’s humanized hemorrhoid, Dr. Phil, to talk about how she’s an enabling piece of raggedy trash and has the parenting skills of a cracked meth pipe. The full interview airs on Monday, but because nothing will get eyes on your show like the promise of a showdown between a testicle with a stache and a drunken, giggling pile of weave hair, a 60-second teaser has been released. It’s 60 seconds of YES and I love it when an exploiter exploits an exploiter.

Somewhere, the doctor who delivered LiLo is tearing up his medical license as punishment for not giving her to a pack of hobos in the hospital alleyway so she could stand some kind of chance at living a normal life.

And “You’re in your little tie and your little shoes….” is now my favorite line to spit at a ho who is judging me for being a boozed-up disaster.

via Lainey Gossip 

Kleptohan Is Blaming The Black Kid Again

Dlisted guest blogger extraordinaire Sweetas e-mailed me last night about Kleptohan’s latest act of thievery and she totally called when she said that crackburglar will cry out, “It’s in the black girl’s twat!” Because TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan is pointing her sticky finger straight at Suge Knight’s son Andrew Knight. You’re probably not reading any of this, because as soon as you saw that picture of Andrew Knight, you immediately turned around to let him see that thong.

LiLo has reached deep up into her ass and pulled out one of her old excuses by blaming the black kid. Andrew Knight was also at the all-night party at Sam Magid’s Hollywood Hills home when $100,000 worth of watches and sunglasses went missing. Sam apparently told the police that on the day of the theft, two of LiLo’s friends, Andrew Knight and another dude, came up to him and handed him a bag with a few pieces of the stolen stuff wrapped in HER t-shirt. It gets better. When Sam and LiLo talked about the burglary later on, she told him that she hid some of his expensive stuff around his house, because she didn’t want the thieves to steal more shit. LiLo doesn’t really remember where she hid the stuff, because she was high on Ambien at the time. Sam also told the cops that her last words to him were, “I’m sorry. Please pray for me.” 

After LiLo put the blame on Suge Knight’s son, he denied it all and the cops believe him, because LiLo is still their main suspect.

I don’t know whether LiLo is the dumbest bitch alive or the boldest bitch alive, or a lot of both. I’m going to go with the former, because she truly is the worst jewel thief of all-time. My abuelita’s half-blind fat chihuahua who has IBS would’ve done a better job. Ambien + a house full of cracked out bitches + $100,000 worth of jooree lying around = the easiest jewel heist ever.

Bitch should’ve drugged everybody with the Ambien, stole all that jewelry while they were all knocked out, quickly hid the stuff where nobody will ever look (examples: White Oprah’s panties or the drawer where her agent keeps her headshots and resumes) and then come back to the house to rub some random party guest’s hand all over the soon-to-be crime scene before passing out with everybody else. It’s not hard!

Maybe the realization that she sucks at thieving will fall into her head when Suge Knight hangs her over a hotel balcony.

(Pics via Pacific Coast News and Splash)

Randy Travis Got Messy Again This Morning

The bad news is that Randy Travis is still disturbing the peace with his drunken acts of sad country song fuckery. The good news is that this time, Randy Travis didn’t rub his butt sweat all over the backseat of a cop car. The other bad news is that Randy Travis’ latest boozed up date with the cops didn’t end with him walking away with a fresh pair of paper pants. Getting busted by the cops isn’t so bad when you get a pair of paper pants out of it.

Randy Travisty was put in handcuffs earlier this year after he was caught high on the sweet nectar in front of a church near his house, and a little over two weeks ago he was busted for drunkenly crashing his car before taking all his panties off in public. TMZ says that Randy earned the latest jewel on his record at around 1 this morning when the police were called to a church parking lot in Plano, TX, because Randy and some other dude were scrappin’ over a woman.

An officer tells People that the woman is apparently Randy’s latest girlfriend and she was arguing with her estranged husband in the church parking lot. Being the drunken Captain Save A Ho that he is, Randy threw himself into the ring to defend his piece and started throwing fists at the husband. TMZ says that the husband must’ve delivered a serious WHOOP THAT TRICK citation on Randy’s ass, because he was taken to the hospital to get his war wounds treated. But the officer tells People that Randy never went to the hospital and that he didn’t seem drunk at the time. Randy was cited with simple assault and there were zero arrests.

First of all, if Randy wasn’t drunk at 1 this morning, then neither was I (I was). Second of all, what is it with Randy getting messy on God’s front lawn. The father, the son or the holy ghost need to turn a garden hose on his ridiculous ass next time. Why were the three of them fighting in the middle of a church parking lot, anyway? The only reasonable explanation for fighting in a church parking lot is if you’re in a drug deal gone wrong, a threesome hook-up gone wrong or you all brought the same dish to the church bake sale.

We’re all laughing at Randy’s ass now, but watch in two year’s time, Rebecca Black and Carly Rae Jepsen will be saying the words, “And the Grammy for Best Song goes to ‘I Tore My Paper Pants In A Parking Lot Brawl’ by Randy Travis!“

One Of The Co-Founders Of Crocs Got A DUI And It’s All Taylor Swift’s Fault

That headline is made of so much perfect that if someone tattooed it on a rubber peen mitten made of recycled Crocs, I’d probably wear it all the damn time. It’s that perfect.

The 51-year-old co-founder of Crocs and philanthropist, George Boedecker, should be arrested and thrown into a window-less cell on Death Row for founding the company that is spreading the dark-sided, evil work of Lucifer on the feets of whores who don’t realize that they’re wearing a VIP ticket to the ninth circle on their hooves. But in Boulder, Colorado on Saturday night, George Boedecker was put into handcuffs for a different reason: crazy bitch got busted for driving his Porsche while on the wrong side of drunk. The Smoking Gun says that after Drunk George was pulled over, he showed everyone that he’s obviously the valedrunktorian of Randy Travis’ Night School Of Drunken Fuckery, because he gave the cops a performance.

Drunk George had a good reason for why his Porsche looked like it was being driven by a crazy sack of drunk. George told the cops that he wasn’t driving the Porsche. George’s really famous, country singer girlfriend was. When the cops asked who his girlfriend was, he said Taylor Swift. As the cops tried to swallow the laughs flooding out of their mouths, George said that Taylor is “batshit crazy” (seems about right) and after they got into an argument in his Porsche, she jumped out of the car and ran off. The cops asked George where she ran off to and he pointed to somebody’s front yard and said, “Nashville.” George didn’t stop there and took his boozed-up antics of foolery to the next level when the cops asked him a couple of questions. It went like this:

Cop: What’s your address?
Drunk George: “I have 17 fucking homes!”

Cop: Will you take a sobriety test?
Drunk George: “I’m not doing your fucking maneuvers!”

When the cops told George he was under arrest, he told them that he couldn’t believe they were doing this to him “after everything he’s done for this city” and then he told them to “go fuck yourselves in the ass.” George declared the cops his “enemies for life” and promised to take their badges.

I love that the co-founder of Crocs is a fuck word-throwing lunatic. I love that in his mug shot, George looks like a dehydrated orange Croc that was just boiled in a pot full of liquid meth. I love that Taylor Swift is obviously just stalking the Kennedys to distract the media from the fact that she’s really dating the co-founder of Crocs. I love that Taylor’s next album will have the songs “Crocs in My Heart” and “Crocodile Crack Rock” in it. And I really love that when George was arrested, he had flip flops on his feet. I love all of this.

(Thanks to everyone who sent this in) 

Papa Joe Busted For DUI

When Jessica Simpson gets a call on the hot dog phone next to her bed in the middle of the night on a Saturday, it’s usually from a drunken Papa Joe asking her what she’s wearing. But on the night of August 4th, Papa Joe called Jessica Simpson on the hot dog phone next to her bed to ask her to pick him up from jail….and then he asked her what she was wearing. TMZ says that Papa Joe put his Christian pastor values to good use last Saturday night when he drank some of the fermented blood of Christ before getting in his car to drive down Ventura Blvd. in Sherman Oaks.

Papa Joe was driving along when a flashing police siren in his rear-view mirror made whatever buzz he had left in his system slip out of his b-hole, because his drunk time drive party for one was officially over. The cops walked up to Papa Joe’s window and got the feeling that he was under the influence of booze, so they arrested him, took him down to jail and kept him there the entire night. Papa Joe was released the next morning without having to pay bail. Criminal charges against him haven’t been filed yet.

Nowhere in TMZ’s report does it say that the cop tested Papa Joe’s state of drunkenness with a sobriety test or a breathalyzer blow, so I’m guessing the officers just got the sense that he was boozed up. Was it because Papa Joe pulled a Randy Travis and wasn’t wearing pants when they pulled him over? Because Papa Joe never drives with pants on. Papa Joe always keeps it pant-less while driving, because he’s always prepared to tickle his down low parts with one hand as a sexy young piece next to his car walks down the street. And it would be highly irresponsible of Papa Joe to use both of his hands to take his pants off while driving. Maybe the cops figured Papa Joe was drunk, because when they walked up to his window, he told them to squeeze them titties together and shake, shake, shake ’em for daddy, bitch. That doesn’t mean Papa Joe’s drunk! Because both Jessica and Ashlee will tell you that he does that even when he’s sober.

Randy Travis Caught Drunk And With His Chonies Off

Last we left drunken mess Randy Travis, he was arrested for living out a sad country song by drowning his sorrows with cups of the sweet nectar while parked in front of a baptist church near his house in Texas. Not much has changed since then. Randy is still spreading the foolery, is still out being a public drunk and is still getting arrested for his dumb bitch antics, but this time he’s taken shit to a whole new level by taking off his panties for the cops.

While some of us were in dreamland, leaping across clouds made of Randy Travis’ ex-wife’s hair, his liquored up ass was on the side of a Texas road, yelling at the cops with his drunk peen hanging out. TMZ says that shortly after Randy crashed his 1998 Pontiac Trans Am into several construction zone barricades, the cops showed up and found him butt lips naked. Since Randy always has to give TMZ something to write about, he refused to take a breathalyzer. I will really be disappointed with Randy if he didn’t grab each one of his butt cheeks, spread ’em wide and tell the cop to shove the breathalyzer up in there. You really haven’t lived until you’ve blown a breathalyzer with your butt hole.

Randy was arrested immediately and thrown into the backseat of the trooper’s car. As Randy’s ass left sweat stains on the trooper’s backseat, he threatened to shoot at all the officers who arrested him. It’s unknown if Randy threatened to shoot them with a gun or shoot them with the possibly loaded weapon hanging off of his crotch. The cops weren’t going to take any chances and were not about to get hit with a whiskey-infused jizz bullet shooting out of Randy’s peen, so when they got to the station they covered him up with a t-shirt and some paper pants. Randy then threw Blue Steel eyes at the mug shot camera to try to distract us from all the face scratches and bruises he got in the crash. Randy was charged with DWI and for threatening an officer.

Okay, so Randy was as nekkid as nekkid can and threatened to shoot up all those cops, and he all he got was a pair of paper pants and a few charges? If that you or me, the cops would’ve tased us straight in the culo until our genitals started coughing up black smoke. But yet Randy gets paper pants. I want paper pants!

I guess driving like a mess while fully clothed is totally yesterday. The new thing is driving like a mess while your nipples are kissing air. Let’s hope that Lindsay Lohan doesn’t start following this new trend.