The Silver Fox Is A Stuffing Man

Two nights ago, Anderson Cooper was ducking for his life in Gaza. Yesterday, Anderson Cooper was scratching at a hater on Twitter. And today, Anderson Cooper declared he’s a “stuffing man” and giggled as two morning time drunks filled his crack with a sticky substance. I can’t wait for Anderson Live’s Thanksgiving episode where he’ll scream, “Pull it out harder! It’s so tight in there!”, as Andy Cohen tries to yank the plastic giblets bag out of the turkey.

On Anderson Live today, the morning show version of Sonja Morgan and Ramona Singer, Hoda and Kathie Lee, were on and they all got boozed up before talking about turkey. Andy turned down a breast from Kathie Lee, because he’s more of a “stuffing man.” Andy tried to act like he doesn’t know what that means, but please. We all know that his Adam4Adam username is “StuffingMan.” During another segment (clip below), Kathie Lee took out a long, white stick and used it to fill his cleavage with something sticky. And yes, that sticky stuff dribbled down his face.

What more is there to say? Andy can seriously make a whole lot of money by selling the transcript of each episode as soft-core literary porn. I thought I was hard up, but now I know I’m seriously hard up, because I’m actually getting the tingles from innuendo porn co-starring Kathie Lee.

via Towleroad

Getting Plastered On The Job: Diane Sawyer Is Just Like Us!

You weren’t the only one drunkenly slurring out nonsense about exclamation points and music (Wurr’s da muzak?!) during last night’s 12-hour-long America’s Next Top President season finale, so was Diane Sawyer. Maybe! Since the Food Network didn’t air a special election night cocktail party hosted by Drunk Ass Sandra Lee and NBC made the wrong decision by not making Kathie Lee Gifford the star of their election night news coverage, somebody had to get drunk and deliver the news with a slur and that somebody was Diane Sawyer.

As George Stethoscopeolous sat there, dreading the moment when he’ll have to hold back Diane’s hair as she drunk barfs into a trash can in his dressing room later in the night, Diane asked who ever to play the music, rambled on about whatever and sometimes she looked like you when you’re drunk as all shit in front of your parents and concentrating hard on trying to look sober.

Sure, it’s possible that Diane Sawyer hasn’t slept since the last election ended and was suffering from the chronic tireds, but it’s more fun to think of her starting off her night right by buttchugging chardonnay and snorting whole Xanax pills.

The news should always look like this.

via Gawker

Bobby Brown Got Another DUI

Bobby Brown was arrested on March 26, 2012 for being a drunk driving mess, and so he celebrated the 7 month anniversary of his last DUI a little early by getting another DUI this morning. HAPPY SEMI-ANNUAL DUI, Bobby B!

TMZ says that around 1 this morning in L.A., police noticed that Bobby Brown’s car was swerving and sliding all over the street. Bitch’s car was doing the Every Little Step dance. They pulled Bobby over and when the police walked up to his window, they knew what it felt like to toss White Oprah’s salad as she lets out a fart. The inside of Bobby’s car smelled like sad desperation wrapped in a cloud of whiskey fumes and Pall Mall smoke.

Bobby agreed to do a sobriety test and he got an F. Bobby became one with a pair of handcuffs, was taken to the station and posed for his 500th mug shot. Bobby hasn’t bailed out yet.

See, here’s a good reason for why Bobby should try to build a strong and trusting relationship with his daughter Bobbi Kristina. Bobbi Kristina is supposedly sober right now and what stupid Bobby really needs is a designated driver who will drive him around while he gets boozed all the way up in the passenger seat. If I ever have kids, I’m going to try to be as nice to them as possible, but only because in 20 years I don’t want them to hang up on my face when I call them to pick my drunk ass up from the bar.

“Dad, Mom’s On Cocaine!”

UPDATE: The audio has been yanked down, so click here to listen to some wonderful family bonding.

“Dad, Mom’s On Cocaine” really should be the title for Lindsay Lohan’s Mommie Dearest-like tell-all. That’s a GOOD title.

Because Michael Lohan is a loving and caring father who always wants the best for his daughter, he pressed the record button when Lindsay Lohan called his charbroiled turtle-looking ass last night to cry about how she was being kidnapped by her mom and the limo driver. Michael Lohan sold the tape to TMZ, because again, he’s a loving and caring father, and because mesh shirts don’t grow on trees.

As most of us know, Michael Lohan called the cops last night after the twin terrors of Long Island, LiLo and White Oprah, got into it. The story goes that after partying until 4am in Manhattan, LiLo wanted the limo to take her back to her hotel in the city, but White Oprah wanted the car to take her back to Long Island. Why the driver didn’t take LiLo to her hotel first and then take White Oprah home is beyond me. These are the Lohans I’m talking about, they want to make shit as extra dramatic as possible.

Sometime during the ride, the two messes started fighting about the $40,000 LiLo gave White Oprah to save her house from foreclosure. White Oprah didn’t want to give it back and that’s when LiLo called Michael Lohan. The tape is a mess. It’s dysfunction’s official soundtrack. At one point, LiLo tells Michael that White Oprah is on coke and keeps scratching her neck.

You know, Lindsay Lohan is the loser here and she should be ashamed of herself. That entitled piece of buzz-killing trash. Poor White Oprah. White Oprah probably just had the night of her life! There she was, popping her 50-year-old pussy with a bunch of 20-somethings at the club. White Oprah was thinking to herself, “Mama’s still got it!” while doing it Gangnam Style on top of a table. Then she gazed into the crowd and caught a hot dude making eye contact with the plastic baggie of coke hanging out of her coochie. White Oprah winked at him and they both made their way to the bathroom where they did lines off of the toilet seat before she barfed in his mouth a little bit while they made out. They tried to exchange numbers, but White Oprah forgot what numbers were, so they just had to keep that beautiful moment in their hearts and remember it forever.

So White Oprah was high on coke and LIVING LIFE and that whiny Lindsay Lohan had to ruin it all by asking for her money back. What a bitch. White Oprah has totally sucked more dicks than Lindsay Lohan has, so she should get some respect!

And my favorite part of the tape is when Michael Lohan’s threatening to call the Feds (eye roll) on the driver and the driver’s like, “What’s up? How you doing?” I love that driver.

Messy In More Ways Than One

You too would take the express route to Drunkville if you looked down and saw the cut-off tails of a family of My Little Ponies draped over your chichis. Dishwashers at Spago in Beverly Hills had to stay 2 hours past their shift last night, scrubbing red oil stains off the edges of wine glasses, which could only mean one thing: Drunktina was there!

Looking like she just hung her head over a toilet right after Jem! took a pink and purple-colored piss in it, Drunktina stumbled out of Spago last night with the help of two human crunches. You know, Drunktin’s leased piece, whatever his name is, has it good. Dude gets to live in a mansion, use Xtina’s AMEX whenever he wants and the only thing he has to do is safely escort her drunk ass to a waiting SUV and dunk her face in a bowl full of paint remover before bedtime so she doesn’t ruin another pair of $3,000 sheets. Bitch does not have it bad.

And let’s all just close our eyes until this whole “poop stars thinking they’re on Rainbow Brite” trend finally ends.

Sally Struthers Busted For DUI

That isn’t Sally Struther’s mug shot (this is), but let’s pretend that it is. I think I can say that I’ve typed it all after typing the headline: Sally Struthers Busted for DUI!

To me, Sally Struthers seems like the kind of party girl who goes to a crowded bar by herself, guzzles down Singapore Sling after Singapore Sling and dances like the wild wild woman she is to Paradise By The Dashboard Light before passing out after last call in a dark booth in the back. Miss Sally might’ve done some of that last night, but instead of passing out in a dark booth, she got in her car and drove.

TMZ says that at around 12:30am in Maine, Sally was caught by police driving under the influence of the sweet nectar and was arrested. Sally was later released after she posted $160 bail, and she could get a $500 fine and her drivers license suspended for 90 days if she gets convicted of DUI. Gloria from All in the Family is in Maine to sing and dance in 9 to 5 the musical at the Ogunquit Playhouse.

Feeding the children sure does make a bitch thirsty, but Sally is 65 and old enough to know that passing out in a dark booth in the bar of a bar instead of driving is the way to go. They should update Sally’s commercial and have her say, “For just 10 cents and a drink ticket a day, you can keep me drunk!” I’d probably donate.