Category: The Slow One
Another Day, Another Set Of KardashiNips Hit The Internet
The oil spill crew just finished cleaning up the last skid mark of grease and ass jelly left by Kim Kartrashian’s oily HoneyBaked Ham ass, and now they’ve got more cleaning to do, because Kourtney Kartrashian’s wet nipples hit the Internet today.
The Slow One wasn’t going to let Kummy Kakes get all the attention for smearing her wet parts all over the Internet. So today, DuJour wet queefed up several pictures of Kourtney’s knocked up body including that picture of her looking like she stood a little too close to Pimp Mama Kris’ krotch when PMK got the squirts while looking at all the attention Kim’s Paper cover got. The Slow One told DuJour that she really doesn’t care what people think about her knocked up naked body and what she means by that is that she REALLY cares what people think about her knocked up naked body. She’s a Kartrashian. She’s a liar! It’s in her genes.
“This was something that initially I did for myself just to capture the moment in my life, but these photos are beautiful and I’m happy to share them. And I like how raw they are. It’s my body: I’m not trying to impress anybody or be something that I’m not. But in general, I don’t really care that much about what people think. It doesn’t rule my world. I did this because I wanted to and it made me happy.”
She went on to say that she would never do a naked photo shoot if she wasn’t pregnant (cut to next year when she’s clit-out naked in the Kardashian Khristmas Kard) and her pimp mom has a naked picture of her hanging in her hallway.
“I had done a nude shoot when I was pregnant with Mason, really last minute just for myself, and I love it. The photo is hanging in the entry of my mom’s house. It actually used to be in her bedroom next to her bed but Bruce would always make a comment about having it in his room.”
Who can blame Bruce? It was probably a drag staring at his stepdaughter’s knocked up naked body as his wife sunk her demon teeth into his taint to continue sucking the life and youth out of him.
So, we’ve seen the wet nipples of two out of three Kartrashian hos. The year isn’t over yet, so try not to look too shocked when you see Khloe Kardashian naked, spread eagle and covered in pig’s blood on the cover of Sasquatch Quarterly’s holiday issue.
Khlozilla Wasn’t Going To Let Kim Kartrashian’s Oiled-Up Ass Get All The Attention
Because Khloe Kartrashian is Pimp Mama Kris’ second hardest-whoring fame ho, she made sure that Kim Kartrashian’s greasy James and the Giant Peach ass didn’t inhale all of the attention last night. Right before Kim Kartrashian’s BP oil spill ass suffocated the Internet and left greasy dingles all over our screens, Khloe Kartrashian scratched her LOOK AT ME spot (“Um, isn’t that trick one big giant LOOK AT ME spot?” – you) by Instagramming a meme that is older than the pentagram that PMK tattooed on her ass lips after solidifying her pact with the devil.
After King Koopa Kardashian shat up the joke that has been told a million times before, some of her Instagram followers screamed “RACIST!” and were shocked that a low-down dirty fame fucker whose demon heart feeds on attention would actually do something for attention. Once Khlozilla started getting hit with poop bombs of hate, she deleted her post, because she knew that someone already took a screen shot of it and a thousand blog posts would be written about it. I know, I fell for those whores’ tricks again!
The Slow One’s piece Scott Isadick also farted up the meme on Instagram and added the note “And a jew.” Unlike Khlozilla, Scott hasn’t taken it down.
Never mind the fact that this meme is outdated since the KKK redefined WTF by announcing that they want black, gay, jewish and hispanic members, I’m holding onto my crucifix tight and have my vat of holy water ready, because I know Pimp Mama Kris is going to try to top both of her hos. Khloe re-told an old KKK joke and Kim hit the Internet with her oily ass cheeks, so I fully expect PMK to “leak” a sex tape of her doing her man in a plastic pool full of lube while wearing a white hood.
The Kardashians Are Refusing To Keep Shooting Because They Think The KUWTK Krew Is Stealing From Them
Ever since a sticky-fingered bandit made off with $54,000 of Kourtney Kardashian’s kash from her home and $250,000 worth of Khloe Kardashian’s jewellery from her house, Kim Kardashian and her krew of skanky sisters have kalled it kwits on filming the tenth season of Keeping Up With A Family of Talentless Trash because they think the burglaries were an inside job.
TMZ says that The Narcoleptic Hooker Queen, KhloTron-2000, and the slow one who humps on Scott Disick are convinced that the person pilfering their cash and joo-rey is one of the poor souls assigned to follow them around with a camera. A source close to the girls (one of the many johns with a Pimp Mama Kris’s Diskount Hookers Loyalty Kard) claims that Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe all hired extra security and installed more surveillance cameras, but Kourtney still got her shit lifted in the Hamptons earlier this month. Now they’re refusing to continue filming their dumb reality show until producers try to weed out their thieves by forcing the crew to take lie detector tests. Quickly God, use your magic powers to destroy every single polygraph test in the universe!
There’s no need to call The Maury Show just yet; let’s see if I can’t use my powers of deduction to finger the culprit. It’s definitely not any of the crew; they’re all compensated handsomely by Lucifer for taking the jobs nobody else wants and have no need to steal cash. Missing jewelry would lead me to believe it was that glamorous bitch Bruce Jenner, but as if he’d ever be caught dead in last season’s rhinestones. Thousands of dollars in stolen cash would lead me to believe it was their deadbeat sock-hustling brother, but stealing would require his lazy ass to leave the house, so it’s not him. That only leaves…NORTH WEST! Of course! She’s probably stockpiling cash and jewellery in preparation for the day she can get her tiny hands on a fake passport and flee to a tiny island off the coast of Madagascar.
And here’s the silicone-stuffed sedated former porn star taking some time out of her busy schedule of nothing and nothing to pose for the paps in two different outfits.
Oh, It’s Just 4 “Sexy” Sisters, Being “Sexy” In The Pool Together
Pimp Mama Kris Instagramm’d this nasty ass picture of her and her 3 whores today and besides the obvious comment of, “Where is a swarm of piranhas when you really need one?”, I have 4 comments about this mess:
1. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave.
2. E! calls this picture “a sexy family photo” (double heave) and thinks all these pieces of trash are topless. I’m pretty sure they’re wearing black swimsuits, but I’m sure that sometime next week PMK will tweet a picture of her and her hos topless, bottomless and spreading it for retweets.
3. I know Kim’s face looks Photoshopped in real-life, but her face really looks like it was copy+pasted there.
4. Speaking of copy+pasting, there’s a really easy way to make that picture a million times less heave-worthy. Just cover the faces of all those gutter tramps with Bruce Jenner’s pucker-inducing beautiful face.
Much better!
Another Day, Another Asshole Comparing Paparazzi Attention To Rape
One of the half-digested ass raisins floating in the 20-minute-long diarrhea puddle that Kanye West shat out during his set at the Wireless Festival in London was about how he’s so sick of the paparazzi constantly “violating” him. Yes, this is the same paparazzi that his gutter tramp of a wife has listed under “favorites” in her iPhone above North West’s head nanny. While getting booed by the crowd who paid money to hear him rap and wasn’t there to listen to the heave-inducing whines coming out of the bruised anus slit he calls a mouth, Kanye brought up Brit Brit Spears’ paparazzi drama and then quoted the definition of “rape” from Kristen Stewart’s dictionary when he said that the paps taking his picture is just like getting sexually violated. I was going to say that Kanye’s Liberace gimp mask was obviously on too tight and squeezing his brain, but he always spits out fuckery like that with or without a Liberace gimp mask on. via The Independent
“I don’t care what you do in life, everybody needs a day off, everybody has the right to say, ‘You know what, I need a minute to breathe’. I want to bring my family to the movies without 30 motherfuckers following me. Everybody here, they like sex right? Sex is great when you and your partner are like, ‘Hey, this is what we both want to do’. But if one of those people don’t want to do that, what is that called? That’s called rape. That is called violation. So if I walk around and say look sir, I’m not feeling so good today, I need some space, can you please not fuck with me today? I need cut-off space, not violation.”
Even though this dried crotch berry gave us the definition of “rape,” I still don’t think he knows what that word really means. Nobody with a half a working brain cell would ever define the Kartrashian’s relationship with the paparazzi as “rape.” It is the complete opposite of “rape.” There’s nothing more opposite than that. If Kanye wants to compare paparazzi attention to “sex,” then I’d say that the Kartrashian’s dealings with the paps are more like a trick putting their address in a Craigslist casual encounters ad where they invite absolutely anybody to a full, blown orgy at their house. Kim getting papped is such a traumatic experience for her that she calls them all the time, texts them her exact location and then posts pictures from the “attack” on Instagram with hashtags like #Hermes.
And that wasn’t the only nugget of delusion that the former rapper turned full-time ranter barfed up:
“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”
Says the level 10 attention whore who yanked at Anna Wintour’s asshole until she put his baby in Vogue, solely named his kid North West because he knew it would get them trending on Twitter and has a pimp-in-law who has already planned his daughter’s first scandal. Nothing says “I want a private family life” like procreating and marrying the fame whore of all fame whores.
And once PMK finishes cackling at Kanye’s cute, little “I want my daughter to decide whether she wants to be famous or not” comment, she’s going to try to smooth things over with the paps by calling each and every one of them to say, “He didn’t mean RAPE rape.”
Here’s Kim shooting her reality shit show in the Hamptons last week while spending time with the people she sees more than her own kid. No, I’m not talking about The Slow One and Lord Douche. I’m talking about the paps.
Pics: Splash
The Slow One Is Knocked Up With Another One Of Pimp Mama Kris’ Future Money Makers
The Jan Brady of the Kuntrashians (may the spirit of Alice smack me in the mouth with a plastic spoon for comparing those whores to the Bradys) somehow found time in between wearing clothes, walking while wearing clothes and drooling in front of the cameras to jump on Scott Isadick’s unwrapped douche stick and make another future cover of InTouch Weekly. The air in L.A. is filled with the scent of Lucifer’s ball sweat from Pimp Mama Kris exhaling out a huge cloud of relief, because while spooning with her maker Satan one night, he let her know in a threatening tone that she’s way behind on her quota for new blood. Leave it to the family baby maker to save PMK once again.
Some source (aka Bruce Jenner who sold that story because mama needs a new pair of diamond studs) told UsWeekly that Kourtney Kardashian’s fetus is a few months old and her latest pregnancy was planned, which is a nice and polite way of saying that every time she and Scott got into bed together for the night, PMK appeared in a tornado of black smoke and screamed, “Stick it in her raw! Our master demands new blood!”
“She is only a few months along. It was planned. [Kourtney] wants to have a handful of kids.”
Kim’s job was to strengthen ties with the Illuminati by marrying Kanye, Khlozilla’s job is to hunt and catch medium-sized woodland creatures for her family’s nightly sacrifice rituals and Kourtney’s job is to pop out PMK’s future ATMs. I mean, somebody’s gotta birth out the Kourtney, Khloe, Kendull and KySomething to North West’s Kim. I mean, North West is going to need somebody to ignore, make fun of and be ashamed of, because Rob isn’t going to live forever.
And here’s picture of Kourtney, Khloe and Scott terrorizing the Hamptons while shooting Khlozilla and The Slow One Destroy Long Island. And either the fully grown warthog that Khlozilla gobbled up for lunch took a wrong turn while making its way to her stomach and ended up in her ass or there’s a Fix-A-Flat shortage on the East Coast.
Pics: Splash