Rob Kartrashian Knows That He’s Fat, Thankyouverymuch

Seen above in happier days when he was the king of his now failed sock empire and posing next to an autographed picture of his wet, naked whore sister (or maybe that’s an alien who can morph into the image of Eva Longoria?), Pimp Mama Kris’ lowest-earning ho Rob Kardashian got mad on Twitter yesterday and had some words to say to the people and blogs who pointed at him and called him a fat fatty fuck after TMZ posted pictures of him looking like Mama June’s body double while strolling through LAX. (Pssh, he wishes he was that smexy.)

Thanks to those pictures, Rob’s body trended on Twitter and story after story came out about how he’s going to fat camp and is flying his trainer to Paris for Kim’s wedding. Rob went on Twitter this morning and said that he knows he’s got chunk for days and he, a dumb trick who needs centuries of therapy for being in that piece of trash family, isn’t getting therapy, because he doesn’t believe in it.

Rob threw that “I love you” at Khloezilla, because she threatened to stomp on all of the houses of the haters who called Rob fat. And while Khloezilla tweeted about how sickened she is by all the shallow and vain people out there, her family’s traveling plastic surgeon lipoed out the croissant platter she had for breakfast as a dermatologist injected ten gallons of Botox into her mug.

This is all just a STUNT, obviously. Rob probably wears a fat suit and spends hours in a make-up chair getting prosthetics. It’s all part of Pimp Mama Kris’ plan to get him a six-figure contract with Jenny Craig and make him the face b-hole of the Kardashian’s new line of laxatives (I know, permanently full shit bags selling laxatives, what a world). Or maybe Rob is for real fat and if he is, who cares? I don’t know why people are making such a big deal about it. If Rob doesn’t want to work out, Rob shouldn’t work out. If Rob wants to eat whatever he wants, Rob should eat whatever he wants. (And yes, that’s your cue to pour delicious coconut pecan frosting all over PMK and push her toward Rob.)

And here’s Rob’s niece Baby North in Paris today wondering where her mommy (aka the nanny) is and wondering why that strange mannequin creature is holding her.

Pics: Splash

Looking Like A Disco Ball Exploding In Slow Motion

Your eyeballs are probably freaking out and jumping all over the place like you just gave yourself a Red Bull enema while freebasing speed. There’s nowhere safe for your eyes to land. You look up and you see Kim Kardashian’s rubber spatula face that looks like a cross between a melting horse Shrinky Dink and a plastic Mr. Hankey toy in a wig. You look down and you see Kim’s ribs breaking and her internal organs being smushed from that soda pop can tab mess. What am I saying? Bitch had her ribs and organs removed and replaced with stress ball jelly a long ass time ago.

While wearing a jacked-up outfit from The House of You Don’t Love Yourself, Kim and her latest face joined her fellow hos Khloe Kardashian and the slow one at the opening of Dash in Miami tonight. THAT FACE. Her nose is getting as small as Pimp Mama Kris’ sense of dignity (hahaha, like PMK has any dignity) and she looks like a trout that just sucked off a Lemonhead. THAT OUTFIT. That outfit is honestly propaganda for anti-recycling, because all of that metal should be destroyed.

And that chainmail must be some seriously strong shit, because it’s somehow able to hold in Kim’s ego, delusions, narcissism and all those man-made materials in her body. That shit should be declared the strongest material in the world.

Pics: Splash

Kim Kartrashian Denies Waxing Baby North’s Eyebrow Situation

Since a Kardashian isn’t officially a Kardashian until she’s been dipped in a pot of wax, covered in strips and ripped of every hair on her body, some accused Kim Kartrashian of taking a tip from Backdoor Farrah’s “How To Be A Shit Mom” parenting book by waxing North West’s brows. After Kim Instagrammed this picture of Baby North yesterday, some accused her of Veet-ing her adorable future money maker’s eye valances. But Kim’s spokeswhore tells The Daily Mail that wax hasn’t touched North’s brows and her perfectly manicured eyebrows are a work of nature.

Kim is a lying skank and if she told me the sky was blue, I’d have to check with Pantone color swatches before believing her, but I actually think she’s spitting out the truth here. Mark this day! Yes, Baby Seaweed Baby Nori will inherit Pimp Mama Kris and Kim’s fucked up body issues, but I don’t think they used wax to elevate that baby’s eyebrow game. They used the other Kartrashian beauty tool of choice: PHOTOSHOP!

And I’m surprised that North even has eyebrow hair and eyelashes. It’s a miracle that they didn’t burn off from Kanye West constantly fire breathing out the words, “Guess who’s the luckiest baby in the world for having God’s God as a father?” onto her face. I’m also surprised that North is smiling. In every picture I’ve seen of North West, she looks like she’s in the middle of saying, “HELP ME,” in Morse code by blinking her eyes. I wonder how they got her to smile? They probably waved emancipation papers in front of her face. Pimp Mama Kris is a cruel genius.

And here’s Kim, the slow one and Penelope leaving a cosmetic laser center yesterday. No, of course they weren’t there to laser off Penelope’s brows hair. They’re not monsters! They were there to get all the whispers of hairs lasered off of Penelope’s body. It’s never too soon to prepare your baby for bikini season!

Pics: Wenn.com

Grab The Holy Water And Hold Onto Your Crucifix, The Kardashian Khristmas Kard Is Here

Yes, the baby Jesus was born just so those Kartrashian whores could pose in a dark-sided UNGODLY Khristmas Kard that’s sold exclusively in the back room of a Hallmark in the darkest part of the Ninth Circle. If you need a quick response to this bukkake of fuckery disaster, just look at that Mason kid. His body language speaks for all of us.

If Satan swallowed a Las Vegas landfill whole then diarrhea’d into the mouth of Photoshop, and if Photoshop then gorged on copies of Blade Runner and a bunch of tabloids before shitting onto a pile of broken neon signs, the end product would be more attractive and festive than the Kardashian Khristmas Kard. On last night’s not-so-special episode of the Illuminati documentary Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian brought David LaChapelle in to shoot the annual family holiday card. David didn’t want any dudes or children in the picture, because dudes and children didn’t fit in with his vision. But after the slow one drooled out a lukewarm stream of complaints about her kids not being in the picture, David agreed to shoot Mason and Penelope. David also bent the “no dudes” rule a little by letting Khloe pose in the picture.

I’d like to think that David LaChapelle is just screwing with them and they’re too stupid to figure it out. Because this is a glorious mess of symbolism from the ATM behind Kourtney to Bruce Jenner (looking like Patti Smith after surviving a meth lab explosion) trapped in a glass tube for eternity. David truly captured essence of Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and PMK, and by that I mean he made them look like the fake pieces of trash they are.

And no, Kanye wasn’t physically in the picture, but I see him everywhere. This is what the skid marks on the inside of his leather panties look like.

Kim Kartrashian Is Back Out On The Ho Stroll

While a team of nannies and bodyguards chased after North West as she tried to escape the madness by crawling out of that Evil House of Crazy Whores, her maker Kim Kartrashian and Amanda Bynes’ face, makeup and wig idol Blac Chyna went to Stanley’s restaurant in Sherman Oaks, CA to feed their asses. If you took that last part literally and pictured scared waiters chattering their teeth with fear while carefully shoving raw meat into Kim and Blac Chyna’s Audrey II asses, you’re probably not wrong.

In Kim’s paw is either the contract that North West will have to sign (you’re officially not a member of the Kardashian family until you sign your soul away in your virgin BLOOD) or since her entire life is co-scripted by Pimp Mama Kris and Satan, it could be the script for her engagement scene with Kanye on the Truman Show boat.

And since I want to end this Kartrashian post on a high note, here’s some beautiful, poetic words about the Kardashians from Lamar Odom’s former crackhead father. Lamar’s dad Joe thinks the Kardashians are taking his son down and he let them know he’s got all their numbers, hussies!

“The mother has been talking a lot of trash about my son, saying he’s on drugs and stuff like that. She’s got something against my son, something against my family. Kris Jenner is very negative. She’s an evil bitch. She doesn’t care about Lamar, she just cares about their image and money.

They don’t give a fuck about my son. It’s more about the damage they do to the Kardashian brand. They brought him down. He’d be better off without them. Let him go, get his life together.”

“The mother.” Thank you for wrapping up this post in a shiny bow, Crack Daddy Joe.